Definitions of Destiny: Chapter 14
Title: Definitions of Destiny
Author: Caryn B
Fandom: Star Wars (film canon only - see notes)
Timeline: 6 months after RotJ
Pairing: Luke/Han, slash
Rating: NC-17 overall; this chapter PG-13
Warnings: None
The list of chapters is here
Chapter 14
"Han - how would you deal with the death of someone you really cared about?"
Half asleep, Han dragged his mind back into the land of wakefulness. "You mean your death," he stated. "Ain't gonna happen so it's a pointless question."
"I didn't necessarily mean mine, but even if I did, you can't just say it won't happen."
"I did just say it." Han burrowed deeper into the warm space occupied by Luke, knowing that his response wouldn't deter Luke from pursuing the conversation.
"Anything could happen at any time. A swoop gang or something-"
"Then they'd be the ones comin' off worse for it," Han interrupted. "A swoop gang's kids' stuff for you."
"I'm just being hypothetical. It wouldn't really matter how it happened."
"And I'm not gettin' into this. This is another one of your no-win arguments 'cause whatever I felt like doing couldn't be something you'd do if it was the other way round because Yoda said you ain't allowed to have any feelings. And you're gonna say how much worse it'd be now if something happened to one of us, 'cause we've gone and done what we've done."
Luke didn't say anything, so Han rolled over on top of him, using his body to hold him in place. "Well think about this - it'd make no difference to me if you'd got yourself killed before or after this. I'd feel the same. It was too late to protect me from not coping with your death the moment you walked into my goddamn life, so don't start thinking you're gonna make life easier for me by clearing off."
"I wasn't -"
Han silenced him by kissing him on the lips. "You're just so damn difficult, that's your problem."
Luke laughed at that. "Whereas you're just sweetness and light the whole time."
"Yeah, I am," Han agreed.
"Alright, I'll try not to be so damn difficult."
"Good, 'cause if I've gotta put up with you for the whole night, I can think of better things to do than argue with you."
"Like what?"
"Like finding out just how far that Jedi stamina of yours stretches for one."
"And how d'you plan on doing that?"
"I've got a few ideas, but you're gonna have to be patient. Not something you've shown much of lately."
"Unlike you of course."
"Ain't me who goes around tellin' everyone else to be patient," Han said smugly. "And didn't Yoda say you had to learn control?"
"Yes, but I don't think he had this precise situation in mind," Luke grinned. "But as you're so interested in my Jedi training program, I could demonstrate a few more things to you."
"Oh yeah?"
"Yeah. Like this."
Han never saw it coming, and barely even felt Luke move, but all of a sudden their positions were reversed. Luke had flipped him over and pinned him down, holding Han's wrists above his head in a grip that felt like durasteel. To all intents he was practically immobilized.
"Not bad," Han said, a little breathlessly. Luke was moving a foot against the inside of Han's ankle, and it was sending small tremors up the whole of Han's leg. He tried to move, but Luke had anticipated that, tightening his hold instantly.
"How long are you gonna keep me like this?"
"I thought you wanted me to show some control. And it'll give you a chance to prove how patient you can be."
Somehow Luke had managed to work his foot a little higher up Han's leg, causing Han's words to come out more hoarsely than he'd intended.
"I've had second thoughts about that."
"Really?"
"Yeah. Patience is overrated. Besides, I've got a better idea."
"I don't know... I quite like this one.
"Trust me, you'll like mine better."
Luke grinned at him again. "Looks like we'll have to compromise."
Han closed his eyes as Luke leaned in to kiss him, belatedly noticing that Luke still had hold of one of his wrists.
***
She ran through the lower gardens of the palace, far beneath the spires that cast their shadows across the snowy mountain peaks. The scent of the flowers her father grew to remind him of her adoptive mother followed her as she made her way towards the lake. The hem of her dress caught on a thorn, and she pulled it free, uncaring that it made a jagged tear in the fabric.
She kept going until she reached the bridge across the first ornamental waterway. Picked up a stick and ran it along the struts of the balustrade, just as her father always did. The stick made a satisfying, high-pitched ringing sound, but even that failed to console her.
Beneath the bridge was a small hollow reaching back into the softstone bank of the waterway. It was probably once the home of some small animal, but the creature had long since abandoned it, leaving no trace of its identity. The hollow was dry, warm and secret, and Leia fitted inside it well if she backed her way into it and brought her knees up to her chin.
Only when she'd safely hidden herself away did she let the tears fall, and once they started they wouldn't stop. But it was safe to cry in there. Nobody could hear her or point at her and tell her she was strange. She didn't know why such odd things kept happening to her, and why they became worse when she grew cross or upset. Sometimes she thought that other children provoked her deliberately, just to see what peculiar things might happen when Leia shouted back.
And she didn't know why her father would always pretend that the things hadn't happened, or come up with some sensible explanation that might've been okay if it had been true. Yet she never got the sense that her father disbelieved her. It was more like he didn't want to believe her.
"Leia."
The voice was soft, concerned. She wanted to crawl out of her hiding place and lose herself in his comforting hug. But she stayed quiet and tried not to breathe in case he heard her. She knew it was silly, but she felt that disclosing this very private place would cause it to lose its charm.
She heard her father moving away, just to the other side of the bridge. He stopped and she guessed he was waiting. He wouldn't be able to see the hollow from where he stood so she knew it was safe to come out.
She ran to him. Let him pick her up and enfold her in his arms. Listened to his calm voice that worked to soothe away her fears and make everything right again...
Leia woke up with the warmth of her father's love still enclosing her like an aura, and the awareness of it made her smile. Somebody had once told her that when people dreamed, they began to forget the details from the first moment of waking, and shortly after that they'd have no recollections of the dream at all. It didn't work like that for Leia.
Her dreams were different because they often involved memories. Even now she could almost feel the coolness of the softstone cubbyhole against her back, and hear the clinking of a stick against the bars of the bridge. Her seven-year-old self had firmly believed that as long as no-one saw her go in and out of the burrow, then the place would remain secret. She wondered how often Bail had followed her down there, waiting at a discreet distance until she chose to come out and he could pretend he'd just found her.
Leia kept still, wanting to stay in the safe seclusion of memories for just a little longer. There was something else too, that had crept inside and touched her with an undefined hint of happiness. It was far too elusive to isolate, but she sensed that it had some connection to Luke.
Over the last few days, and with all that had happened, no-one had specifically asked her what she hoped the outcome would be. They were all too concerned for her wellbeing, and were suffering the combined weight of guilt and denial. To Leia it had all been simple - until the night she'd trained with Luke. Her answer would still be the same. That she wanted peace for Luke. The problem now was that the manner in which she'd hoped he'd find it appeared far less straightforward than she'd first believed.
Her disquiet returned in full, chasing away the last vestiges of reassurance brought by the dream. Nothing felt secure any more, and all the structure of support she'd built around herself since the destruction of Alderaan felt as flimsy as paper. The knowledge of what she was, and whose daughter she was, had started to exact a price.
***
Han opened his eyes, feeling cold all over. The warmth of Luke, both physical and intangible, had disappeared. He sat up slowly, pulling the sheet close around him to alleviate the chill. There was no sign of Luke, and no trace of his clothing on the floor where Han had strewn it about last night.
He reached for his chrono and peered at the time in the half light. He'd been asleep for barely two hours and could feel the pull of weariness in his shoulder muscles. It was very early in the morning, and Luke would be leaving for Polis Massa with as little sleep as Han.
The realization hit Han like a blast of icy water. Luke had gone, and all the things he'd meant to say to him remained unsaid. Last night he'd backed away from talking too much, taking to heart Luke's suggestion to let it work out. But few things looked the same in the cold light of morning, and suddenly the unstable ground he'd stepped right into felt even more unsound. It'd been important that he make things clear but, just like always, he'd left it too late. Chewie's reproach was already ringing in his ears.
But maybe there was still time to salvage something if he hurried. Han flung himself out of bed and threw on the same clothes he'd worn yesterday, picking them up from the floor. His shirt, still partly fastened, delayed him. Impatiently, he twisted himself into it then shoved his feet into his boots and bolted from the apartment.
The hangar bay was busy, even at this time. Pilots and mechanics worked shifts to keep up with the workload, so there was never a lull in activity. He spotted Artoo first, trundling up the ramp of the Chandrilan cruiser Mon Mothma had chartered to bring Senator Danu to Arudin. Now it looked like Danu was using it to go to Polis Massa.
Han made for the ship and caught a glimpse of movement inside. His own approach had not gone unnoticed because moments later Senator Danu appeared at the top of the ramp.
"General Solo, isn't it?" the senator asked, a clear note of curiosity in his voice.
"Er, yeah." Belatedly, Han ran his fingers through his hair, uncomfortably aware of the contrast between himself, disheveled and unshaven, and the Senator in his immaculate robes. "Sorry to interrupt. Is Luke with you?"
"He's in the cockpit getting the ship ready. I suggested we take a pilot, but he wants to fly the ship himself."
"He likes flying," Han said, rather pointlessly. "Can I have a word with him?"
"Certainly. I'll go and tell him. It's good to meet you, by the way."
"Oh, yeah... you too."
The senator headed back into the ship and a minute later Luke appeared in the hatchway. If Han had only had two hours sleep, Luke had certainly had a great deal less because he'd been back to his own apartment to shower and change. Dressed in his more formal Jedi clothes, he looked considerably more presentable than Han, despite the dark smudges of tiredness beneath his eyes.
As well as the surprise on Luke's face there was perceptible happiness in his eyes, and that was enough to hold Han to his purpose.
"There's... somethin' I wanted to say. I meant to say it before, but I didn't get a chance, you know, before you left."
Luke didn't reply straight away but moved down the ramp towards Han, his eyes searching Han's face. As he neared Han, he smiled. It was just a small curve of his lips - a subtle, private smile - but one that reached out to enfold Han with optimism.
"What?" he asked quietly.
But the words Han had rehearsed as he'd run down to the hangar had vanished from his mind and he stood there for several seconds, unable to think of what to say. "Just... come back," he muttered eventually.
Luke nodded. "I will."
Han stared at him, aware that his chance was slipping by and that very shortly, Luke would have to turn and go back up the ramp.
It was a very public place, and all around them were pilots heading for their ships or going off-shift. It took Han two strides to reach Luke, his hands moving up to frame Luke's face. He kissed Luke hard on the lips then released him just as suddenly.
"I'll be waiting." He held Luke's gaze for a few moments longer, both of them fully aware of what Han had done. Luke's eyes were full of questions, but there was no opportunity for him to ask them now.
Instead, Luke simply touched Han's cheek before he turned and made his way back up the ramp.
Han walked back slowly through the hangar, knowing the curious gaze of onlookers followed his progress. He'd have to go straight to Leia and explain what had happened before the gossip reached her in other ways. It wouldn't take long. Han estimated the entire base would know by the end of the morning that he'd kissed Luke Skywalker in the cruiser hangar.
It was difficult to pinpoint exactly how he felt about having made such a visible declaration of his feelings. On the one hand, he felt a kind of reckless elation building up inside him. The kind that made him want to shout about it from the rooftops and broadcast it all over the Holonet.
But on the other hand he felt a creeping anxiety that maybe he'd gone too far. Luke was a very private person, and Han had forced him to acknowledge feelings that Luke wouldn't have shown in public until they'd sorted out all the complications that surrounded them. For a start, there was the issue of Leia and the additional guilt Luke would now be feeling. Yet Han still didn't believe that was the biggest obstacle they faced.
And it certainly hadn't been Han's intention to thrust their relationship - if it could be called that - right into the public eye without so much as discussing the matter with Luke first. But even if Han had broached the subject with Luke last night as he'd intended, he had a suspicion that Luke would've urged more caution, wanting to set things straight in his own mind first. Chewie, for one, wouldn't have agreed with that, and Han had to admit he thought the Wookiee was right in this respect.
Luke already lived under the burden of too much secrecy, and things had been like that for a long while. He'd kept the true horrors of Cloud City from all of them until Endor. And it'd taken them some time to discover exactly what had transpired in the Emperor's throne room. Han wondered if there was still more that Luke hadn't yet divulged about that long day. And Luke had already hinted at the pressure he felt in keeping his relationship to Vader concealed.
If what was between them was one less thing to keep under cover, it seemed like a good thing to Han. He just hoped that Luke would understand his purpose in doing what he'd done, and that his actions wouldn't have the opposite effect to those he'd intended.
As he stood with his hand hovering over the intercom button on Leia's office door, he felt his euphoria begin to ebb away. The insecure side of him was beginning to take hold again, warning him that he'd acted too rashly in not considering the full implications for everyone involved. He took a deep breath and pressed his finger to the buzzer.
Leia stood back silently to let Han in.
"I know it's early, but I kinda thought you'd be here. Hope I'm not disturbing you."
"No, it's fine," Leia said. Her manner was indefinable. There was warmth, but set against it was a slight detachment that was probably self-defensive. But on top of that she seemed unusually edgy and distant, as though her mind was on something else entirely.
"You okay?" Han asked.
Leia shrugged. "To be honest, I don't know how I feel about anything any more."
"I'm sorry about everything." The words felt shallow, given that Han was about to make things even worse, but they were all he could come up with. And he hadn't yet worked out how best to raise the subject of Luke.
"It's not you. At least, not directly."
"What's happened?"
"I've had my eyes opened a bit, that's all, and I don't really know how I feel about it."
Han frowned. "You mean about me, and the way I've behaved?"
"No - I already said it wasn't you." Leia looked at him properly, as though noticing his appearance for the first time. "You've come here to tell me something, haven't you?"
"I... yes," Han admitted. "And I'm sorry, 'cause I've been an asshole. Things are gonna get awkward."
Leia studied Han's face for a few moments. "It's about you and Luke, isn't it?"
Han gave a short nod of acknowledgement. A verbal answer didn't seem necessary.
Leia didn't say anything either. She walked across to the window and stood there in silence for a while, her back to Han. "I know he loves you," she said eventually, without turning away from the window.
"Did-?"
"No, he didn't tell me. He doesn't need to, and I've always known. If I'd been more like him I'd have stepped aside before."
"Don't do this Leia," Han protested. "You're the least to blame of any of us. It's you who's gotten hurt."
Leia shook her head, and turned back to face Han. "I'm worried that it's you who'll end up getting the most hurt of all."
Han stared at her. "What d'you mean?"
"It's too late to tell you not to get involved isn't it? He's right under your skin."
"You think he's gonna leave?"
Leia didn't answer directly. "I understand his dilemma. Before, I just sympathized with it. But now I know."
"I don't follow you."
"I didn't really see it before. Just knew that he was going through a lot of soul-searching, trying to live up to what Yoda seemed to expect. But now I know why he feels that way."
"I still don't get you."
"I've felt it too. The way it starts to take you over. It's easy to see how it could dominate you. And it feels good too. That's why it's so dangerous."
"What're you talking about? The Force?"
"It was the anger. It gave me something to focus on and made me so much stronger. But it's frightening. It felt like I couldn't stop. I didn't want to stop. I wanted to let it build up and up and up inside me."
Leia paced the room, her obvious agitation increasing alongside Han's bemusement. Leia had always taken much the same view he'd taken when they'd both discussed this with Luke. Now she was sounding very much like Luke. At least, Luke in the early days after Endor, when the physical and mental aftereffects of Palpatine's assault had really begun to sink in.
"And you know what this was from?" Leia continued. "You. I was angry with you. Over the whole stupid mess."
"You've a right to be angry," Han said, dismayed at where this was leading.
Leia carried on as though Han hadn't spoken, her words tumbling out quickly in one long torrent. "It's about attachments, Han. Something we're not supposed to have. We're supposed to bury our feelings deep. No anger, no fear, no jealousy, no grief, no passion, no nothing. A life of total and complete nothingness. But no, that's not it either is it? I mean a life of selfless dedication to galactic service. Content to return to our empty beds at night, secure in the knowledge that we're keeping the darkness at bay."
The bitterness in Leia's voice twisted at Han's heart. "You already lead a selfless life," he argued. "You've devoted your whole life to keeping the Alliance going. You nearly died for it! How much more could you do?"
Han wondered if Leia had even heard him. She continued to walk up and down, more troubled than Han had seen her in months.
"Just imagine how the thought of such a strong attachment to you might seem to Luke. If things went wrong or if you got killed..."
Luke had hinted at these exact same fears to Han only last night, trying to bring the conversation round to that subject, but Han had refused to go there. But the thing that struck Han the most was the way Leia's worries recalled those voiced by Luke just a few days ago. Leia had arrived at her anger by herself. It didn't matter that she had just cause to be angry. The point was, nobody had tricked her, or abused her, or manipulated her into feeling it. Myself. I can do that to myself, Luke had said.
It felt like something heavy had settled in the pit of his stomach, and all his instincts railed against the obvious inference in Leia's words. He took a moment to gather his thoughts.
"Okay - so you're sayin' you got angry. You saw where that anger was leading and part of you wanted to go there. But then you pulled out of it. You stopped before it got a hold of you."
"But part of me didn't want to stop. Part of me wanted to let it take over."
"The part of you that didn't want that won," Han insisted. "I've said this to Luke hundreds of times. You're both too strong for that."
Leia nodded slowly. "You're right. At least you're right about Luke's strength. I'm not so sure about my own. But there's another question that needs to be asked."
"Go on."
"Which decision requires more strength of mind - to stay because you want to, even though you think it's the wrong choice to make, or to leave, even though it breaks your heart?"
"It shouldn't be so... extreme."
It was the wrong word to use when talking about Luke. Han knew it as soon as he'd said it, but it was one extreme he couldn't reconcile himself with.
"I keep wondering," Leia said, "is it always going to be there in the back of my mind? Do I have to spend my whole life being watchful?"
Han shook his head. "I don't know. But if it's in the back of your mind that you made the choice to step back, then that's always gonna be with you too."
"Sometimes I wish things were easier. I thought I could cope with anything, but this... scares me."
"Maybe that's a good thing. If you weren't scared, it'd mean you didn't recognize the danger."
Leia's comlink beeped and she looked at it distractedly, but otherwise ignored it.
"You came to tell me about you and Luke and instead of being happy for you, I more or less tell you there might not be a hope in hell."
"I didn't come expecting you to be happy for me. I don't deserve that." Han rubbed a hand over his chin, feeling the rough stubble there. "I kinda thought, we're playin' around with feelings here and there's too much hidden away all the time. You said to me before that we need to be honest about things, and I wanted to do that. I guess... I just wanted to be more open about it even though it's gonna be hard on you and Luke."
Leia stayed silent, listening to him, so Han carried on. "I went and did something, and you've gotta know... people will be saying things."
Leia gave a short, dry laugh. "People always say things. You think I care about that? Someday soon, when the truth about Vader breaks, they'll really have something to talk about won't they?"
chapter 15
Author: Caryn B
Fandom: Star Wars (film canon only - see notes)
Timeline: 6 months after RotJ
Pairing: Luke/Han, slash
Rating: NC-17 overall; this chapter PG-13
Warnings: None
The list of chapters is here
Chapter 14
"Han - how would you deal with the death of someone you really cared about?"
Half asleep, Han dragged his mind back into the land of wakefulness. "You mean your death," he stated. "Ain't gonna happen so it's a pointless question."
"I didn't necessarily mean mine, but even if I did, you can't just say it won't happen."
"I did just say it." Han burrowed deeper into the warm space occupied by Luke, knowing that his response wouldn't deter Luke from pursuing the conversation.
"Anything could happen at any time. A swoop gang or something-"
"Then they'd be the ones comin' off worse for it," Han interrupted. "A swoop gang's kids' stuff for you."
"I'm just being hypothetical. It wouldn't really matter how it happened."
"And I'm not gettin' into this. This is another one of your no-win arguments 'cause whatever I felt like doing couldn't be something you'd do if it was the other way round because Yoda said you ain't allowed to have any feelings. And you're gonna say how much worse it'd be now if something happened to one of us, 'cause we've gone and done what we've done."
Luke didn't say anything, so Han rolled over on top of him, using his body to hold him in place. "Well think about this - it'd make no difference to me if you'd got yourself killed before or after this. I'd feel the same. It was too late to protect me from not coping with your death the moment you walked into my goddamn life, so don't start thinking you're gonna make life easier for me by clearing off."
"I wasn't -"
Han silenced him by kissing him on the lips. "You're just so damn difficult, that's your problem."
Luke laughed at that. "Whereas you're just sweetness and light the whole time."
"Yeah, I am," Han agreed.
"Alright, I'll try not to be so damn difficult."
"Good, 'cause if I've gotta put up with you for the whole night, I can think of better things to do than argue with you."
"Like what?"
"Like finding out just how far that Jedi stamina of yours stretches for one."
"And how d'you plan on doing that?"
"I've got a few ideas, but you're gonna have to be patient. Not something you've shown much of lately."
"Unlike you of course."
"Ain't me who goes around tellin' everyone else to be patient," Han said smugly. "And didn't Yoda say you had to learn control?"
"Yes, but I don't think he had this precise situation in mind," Luke grinned. "But as you're so interested in my Jedi training program, I could demonstrate a few more things to you."
"Oh yeah?"
"Yeah. Like this."
Han never saw it coming, and barely even felt Luke move, but all of a sudden their positions were reversed. Luke had flipped him over and pinned him down, holding Han's wrists above his head in a grip that felt like durasteel. To all intents he was practically immobilized.
"Not bad," Han said, a little breathlessly. Luke was moving a foot against the inside of Han's ankle, and it was sending small tremors up the whole of Han's leg. He tried to move, but Luke had anticipated that, tightening his hold instantly.
"How long are you gonna keep me like this?"
"I thought you wanted me to show some control. And it'll give you a chance to prove how patient you can be."
Somehow Luke had managed to work his foot a little higher up Han's leg, causing Han's words to come out more hoarsely than he'd intended.
"I've had second thoughts about that."
"Really?"
"Yeah. Patience is overrated. Besides, I've got a better idea."
"I don't know... I quite like this one.
"Trust me, you'll like mine better."
Luke grinned at him again. "Looks like we'll have to compromise."
Han closed his eyes as Luke leaned in to kiss him, belatedly noticing that Luke still had hold of one of his wrists.
***
She ran through the lower gardens of the palace, far beneath the spires that cast their shadows across the snowy mountain peaks. The scent of the flowers her father grew to remind him of her adoptive mother followed her as she made her way towards the lake. The hem of her dress caught on a thorn, and she pulled it free, uncaring that it made a jagged tear in the fabric.
She kept going until she reached the bridge across the first ornamental waterway. Picked up a stick and ran it along the struts of the balustrade, just as her father always did. The stick made a satisfying, high-pitched ringing sound, but even that failed to console her.
Beneath the bridge was a small hollow reaching back into the softstone bank of the waterway. It was probably once the home of some small animal, but the creature had long since abandoned it, leaving no trace of its identity. The hollow was dry, warm and secret, and Leia fitted inside it well if she backed her way into it and brought her knees up to her chin.
Only when she'd safely hidden herself away did she let the tears fall, and once they started they wouldn't stop. But it was safe to cry in there. Nobody could hear her or point at her and tell her she was strange. She didn't know why such odd things kept happening to her, and why they became worse when she grew cross or upset. Sometimes she thought that other children provoked her deliberately, just to see what peculiar things might happen when Leia shouted back.
And she didn't know why her father would always pretend that the things hadn't happened, or come up with some sensible explanation that might've been okay if it had been true. Yet she never got the sense that her father disbelieved her. It was more like he didn't want to believe her.
"Leia."
The voice was soft, concerned. She wanted to crawl out of her hiding place and lose herself in his comforting hug. But she stayed quiet and tried not to breathe in case he heard her. She knew it was silly, but she felt that disclosing this very private place would cause it to lose its charm.
She heard her father moving away, just to the other side of the bridge. He stopped and she guessed he was waiting. He wouldn't be able to see the hollow from where he stood so she knew it was safe to come out.
She ran to him. Let him pick her up and enfold her in his arms. Listened to his calm voice that worked to soothe away her fears and make everything right again...
Leia woke up with the warmth of her father's love still enclosing her like an aura, and the awareness of it made her smile. Somebody had once told her that when people dreamed, they began to forget the details from the first moment of waking, and shortly after that they'd have no recollections of the dream at all. It didn't work like that for Leia.
Her dreams were different because they often involved memories. Even now she could almost feel the coolness of the softstone cubbyhole against her back, and hear the clinking of a stick against the bars of the bridge. Her seven-year-old self had firmly believed that as long as no-one saw her go in and out of the burrow, then the place would remain secret. She wondered how often Bail had followed her down there, waiting at a discreet distance until she chose to come out and he could pretend he'd just found her.
Leia kept still, wanting to stay in the safe seclusion of memories for just a little longer. There was something else too, that had crept inside and touched her with an undefined hint of happiness. It was far too elusive to isolate, but she sensed that it had some connection to Luke.
Over the last few days, and with all that had happened, no-one had specifically asked her what she hoped the outcome would be. They were all too concerned for her wellbeing, and were suffering the combined weight of guilt and denial. To Leia it had all been simple - until the night she'd trained with Luke. Her answer would still be the same. That she wanted peace for Luke. The problem now was that the manner in which she'd hoped he'd find it appeared far less straightforward than she'd first believed.
Her disquiet returned in full, chasing away the last vestiges of reassurance brought by the dream. Nothing felt secure any more, and all the structure of support she'd built around herself since the destruction of Alderaan felt as flimsy as paper. The knowledge of what she was, and whose daughter she was, had started to exact a price.
***
Han opened his eyes, feeling cold all over. The warmth of Luke, both physical and intangible, had disappeared. He sat up slowly, pulling the sheet close around him to alleviate the chill. There was no sign of Luke, and no trace of his clothing on the floor where Han had strewn it about last night.
He reached for his chrono and peered at the time in the half light. He'd been asleep for barely two hours and could feel the pull of weariness in his shoulder muscles. It was very early in the morning, and Luke would be leaving for Polis Massa with as little sleep as Han.
The realization hit Han like a blast of icy water. Luke had gone, and all the things he'd meant to say to him remained unsaid. Last night he'd backed away from talking too much, taking to heart Luke's suggestion to let it work out. But few things looked the same in the cold light of morning, and suddenly the unstable ground he'd stepped right into felt even more unsound. It'd been important that he make things clear but, just like always, he'd left it too late. Chewie's reproach was already ringing in his ears.
But maybe there was still time to salvage something if he hurried. Han flung himself out of bed and threw on the same clothes he'd worn yesterday, picking them up from the floor. His shirt, still partly fastened, delayed him. Impatiently, he twisted himself into it then shoved his feet into his boots and bolted from the apartment.
The hangar bay was busy, even at this time. Pilots and mechanics worked shifts to keep up with the workload, so there was never a lull in activity. He spotted Artoo first, trundling up the ramp of the Chandrilan cruiser Mon Mothma had chartered to bring Senator Danu to Arudin. Now it looked like Danu was using it to go to Polis Massa.
Han made for the ship and caught a glimpse of movement inside. His own approach had not gone unnoticed because moments later Senator Danu appeared at the top of the ramp.
"General Solo, isn't it?" the senator asked, a clear note of curiosity in his voice.
"Er, yeah." Belatedly, Han ran his fingers through his hair, uncomfortably aware of the contrast between himself, disheveled and unshaven, and the Senator in his immaculate robes. "Sorry to interrupt. Is Luke with you?"
"He's in the cockpit getting the ship ready. I suggested we take a pilot, but he wants to fly the ship himself."
"He likes flying," Han said, rather pointlessly. "Can I have a word with him?"
"Certainly. I'll go and tell him. It's good to meet you, by the way."
"Oh, yeah... you too."
The senator headed back into the ship and a minute later Luke appeared in the hatchway. If Han had only had two hours sleep, Luke had certainly had a great deal less because he'd been back to his own apartment to shower and change. Dressed in his more formal Jedi clothes, he looked considerably more presentable than Han, despite the dark smudges of tiredness beneath his eyes.
As well as the surprise on Luke's face there was perceptible happiness in his eyes, and that was enough to hold Han to his purpose.
"There's... somethin' I wanted to say. I meant to say it before, but I didn't get a chance, you know, before you left."
Luke didn't reply straight away but moved down the ramp towards Han, his eyes searching Han's face. As he neared Han, he smiled. It was just a small curve of his lips - a subtle, private smile - but one that reached out to enfold Han with optimism.
"What?" he asked quietly.
But the words Han had rehearsed as he'd run down to the hangar had vanished from his mind and he stood there for several seconds, unable to think of what to say. "Just... come back," he muttered eventually.
Luke nodded. "I will."
Han stared at him, aware that his chance was slipping by and that very shortly, Luke would have to turn and go back up the ramp.
It was a very public place, and all around them were pilots heading for their ships or going off-shift. It took Han two strides to reach Luke, his hands moving up to frame Luke's face. He kissed Luke hard on the lips then released him just as suddenly.
"I'll be waiting." He held Luke's gaze for a few moments longer, both of them fully aware of what Han had done. Luke's eyes were full of questions, but there was no opportunity for him to ask them now.
Instead, Luke simply touched Han's cheek before he turned and made his way back up the ramp.
Han walked back slowly through the hangar, knowing the curious gaze of onlookers followed his progress. He'd have to go straight to Leia and explain what had happened before the gossip reached her in other ways. It wouldn't take long. Han estimated the entire base would know by the end of the morning that he'd kissed Luke Skywalker in the cruiser hangar.
It was difficult to pinpoint exactly how he felt about having made such a visible declaration of his feelings. On the one hand, he felt a kind of reckless elation building up inside him. The kind that made him want to shout about it from the rooftops and broadcast it all over the Holonet.
But on the other hand he felt a creeping anxiety that maybe he'd gone too far. Luke was a very private person, and Han had forced him to acknowledge feelings that Luke wouldn't have shown in public until they'd sorted out all the complications that surrounded them. For a start, there was the issue of Leia and the additional guilt Luke would now be feeling. Yet Han still didn't believe that was the biggest obstacle they faced.
And it certainly hadn't been Han's intention to thrust their relationship - if it could be called that - right into the public eye without so much as discussing the matter with Luke first. But even if Han had broached the subject with Luke last night as he'd intended, he had a suspicion that Luke would've urged more caution, wanting to set things straight in his own mind first. Chewie, for one, wouldn't have agreed with that, and Han had to admit he thought the Wookiee was right in this respect.
Luke already lived under the burden of too much secrecy, and things had been like that for a long while. He'd kept the true horrors of Cloud City from all of them until Endor. And it'd taken them some time to discover exactly what had transpired in the Emperor's throne room. Han wondered if there was still more that Luke hadn't yet divulged about that long day. And Luke had already hinted at the pressure he felt in keeping his relationship to Vader concealed.
If what was between them was one less thing to keep under cover, it seemed like a good thing to Han. He just hoped that Luke would understand his purpose in doing what he'd done, and that his actions wouldn't have the opposite effect to those he'd intended.
As he stood with his hand hovering over the intercom button on Leia's office door, he felt his euphoria begin to ebb away. The insecure side of him was beginning to take hold again, warning him that he'd acted too rashly in not considering the full implications for everyone involved. He took a deep breath and pressed his finger to the buzzer.
Leia stood back silently to let Han in.
"I know it's early, but I kinda thought you'd be here. Hope I'm not disturbing you."
"No, it's fine," Leia said. Her manner was indefinable. There was warmth, but set against it was a slight detachment that was probably self-defensive. But on top of that she seemed unusually edgy and distant, as though her mind was on something else entirely.
"You okay?" Han asked.
Leia shrugged. "To be honest, I don't know how I feel about anything any more."
"I'm sorry about everything." The words felt shallow, given that Han was about to make things even worse, but they were all he could come up with. And he hadn't yet worked out how best to raise the subject of Luke.
"It's not you. At least, not directly."
"What's happened?"
"I've had my eyes opened a bit, that's all, and I don't really know how I feel about it."
Han frowned. "You mean about me, and the way I've behaved?"
"No - I already said it wasn't you." Leia looked at him properly, as though noticing his appearance for the first time. "You've come here to tell me something, haven't you?"
"I... yes," Han admitted. "And I'm sorry, 'cause I've been an asshole. Things are gonna get awkward."
Leia studied Han's face for a few moments. "It's about you and Luke, isn't it?"
Han gave a short nod of acknowledgement. A verbal answer didn't seem necessary.
Leia didn't say anything either. She walked across to the window and stood there in silence for a while, her back to Han. "I know he loves you," she said eventually, without turning away from the window.
"Did-?"
"No, he didn't tell me. He doesn't need to, and I've always known. If I'd been more like him I'd have stepped aside before."
"Don't do this Leia," Han protested. "You're the least to blame of any of us. It's you who's gotten hurt."
Leia shook her head, and turned back to face Han. "I'm worried that it's you who'll end up getting the most hurt of all."
Han stared at her. "What d'you mean?"
"It's too late to tell you not to get involved isn't it? He's right under your skin."
"You think he's gonna leave?"
Leia didn't answer directly. "I understand his dilemma. Before, I just sympathized with it. But now I know."
"I don't follow you."
"I didn't really see it before. Just knew that he was going through a lot of soul-searching, trying to live up to what Yoda seemed to expect. But now I know why he feels that way."
"I still don't get you."
"I've felt it too. The way it starts to take you over. It's easy to see how it could dominate you. And it feels good too. That's why it's so dangerous."
"What're you talking about? The Force?"
"It was the anger. It gave me something to focus on and made me so much stronger. But it's frightening. It felt like I couldn't stop. I didn't want to stop. I wanted to let it build up and up and up inside me."
Leia paced the room, her obvious agitation increasing alongside Han's bemusement. Leia had always taken much the same view he'd taken when they'd both discussed this with Luke. Now she was sounding very much like Luke. At least, Luke in the early days after Endor, when the physical and mental aftereffects of Palpatine's assault had really begun to sink in.
"And you know what this was from?" Leia continued. "You. I was angry with you. Over the whole stupid mess."
"You've a right to be angry," Han said, dismayed at where this was leading.
Leia carried on as though Han hadn't spoken, her words tumbling out quickly in one long torrent. "It's about attachments, Han. Something we're not supposed to have. We're supposed to bury our feelings deep. No anger, no fear, no jealousy, no grief, no passion, no nothing. A life of total and complete nothingness. But no, that's not it either is it? I mean a life of selfless dedication to galactic service. Content to return to our empty beds at night, secure in the knowledge that we're keeping the darkness at bay."
The bitterness in Leia's voice twisted at Han's heart. "You already lead a selfless life," he argued. "You've devoted your whole life to keeping the Alliance going. You nearly died for it! How much more could you do?"
Han wondered if Leia had even heard him. She continued to walk up and down, more troubled than Han had seen her in months.
"Just imagine how the thought of such a strong attachment to you might seem to Luke. If things went wrong or if you got killed..."
Luke had hinted at these exact same fears to Han only last night, trying to bring the conversation round to that subject, but Han had refused to go there. But the thing that struck Han the most was the way Leia's worries recalled those voiced by Luke just a few days ago. Leia had arrived at her anger by herself. It didn't matter that she had just cause to be angry. The point was, nobody had tricked her, or abused her, or manipulated her into feeling it. Myself. I can do that to myself, Luke had said.
It felt like something heavy had settled in the pit of his stomach, and all his instincts railed against the obvious inference in Leia's words. He took a moment to gather his thoughts.
"Okay - so you're sayin' you got angry. You saw where that anger was leading and part of you wanted to go there. But then you pulled out of it. You stopped before it got a hold of you."
"But part of me didn't want to stop. Part of me wanted to let it take over."
"The part of you that didn't want that won," Han insisted. "I've said this to Luke hundreds of times. You're both too strong for that."
Leia nodded slowly. "You're right. At least you're right about Luke's strength. I'm not so sure about my own. But there's another question that needs to be asked."
"Go on."
"Which decision requires more strength of mind - to stay because you want to, even though you think it's the wrong choice to make, or to leave, even though it breaks your heart?"
"It shouldn't be so... extreme."
It was the wrong word to use when talking about Luke. Han knew it as soon as he'd said it, but it was one extreme he couldn't reconcile himself with.
"I keep wondering," Leia said, "is it always going to be there in the back of my mind? Do I have to spend my whole life being watchful?"
Han shook his head. "I don't know. But if it's in the back of your mind that you made the choice to step back, then that's always gonna be with you too."
"Sometimes I wish things were easier. I thought I could cope with anything, but this... scares me."
"Maybe that's a good thing. If you weren't scared, it'd mean you didn't recognize the danger."
Leia's comlink beeped and she looked at it distractedly, but otherwise ignored it.
"You came to tell me about you and Luke and instead of being happy for you, I more or less tell you there might not be a hope in hell."
"I didn't come expecting you to be happy for me. I don't deserve that." Han rubbed a hand over his chin, feeling the rough stubble there. "I kinda thought, we're playin' around with feelings here and there's too much hidden away all the time. You said to me before that we need to be honest about things, and I wanted to do that. I guess... I just wanted to be more open about it even though it's gonna be hard on you and Luke."
Leia stayed silent, listening to him, so Han carried on. "I went and did something, and you've gotta know... people will be saying things."
Leia gave a short, dry laugh. "People always say things. You think I care about that? Someday soon, when the truth about Vader breaks, they'll really have something to talk about won't they?"
chapter 15