I've memorized the coding for polls.
And this is very, very sad.
Remember!
- Applicants, respond anonymously.
- If you're going to do the whole "ask me if I voted you out!" thing, please state who you voted out.
- No speculating about the identity of the applicants!
Now VOTE closed
Character: The Disreputable Dog (or the Disreputable Bitch, if you want to get technical)
Series: The Old Kingdom seriesby Garth Nix
Character Age: Ancient.
Job: Canine Assistant Librarian
Canon: So, we have this Wall. It's a pretty good Wall. South of it things are more or less business as usual (if your business is WWI-era England), but North of it is the Old Kingdom, where magic is a reality and the Dead have a bad habit of not staying down. Fortunately there are a number of mechanisms in place to safeguard the Kingdom: there's the Charter, which binds most of the Kingdom's raw, free magic into an ordered system; the Abhorsens, a line of necromancers tasked with keeping the Dead in their place; and the Clayr, a vast clan of witches with the power to See the future. But a Sightless Clayr has no place in the world, and that's why Lirael, working alone in the depths of the Great Library, is compelled in her loneliness to try and make herself a friend. She was trying to make a simple Charter-puppy to keep her company; what she got was the Dog.
Though she has the appearance of an ordinary mutt, the Disreputable Dog is in fact a creature comprised of both free and Charter magic, with a plentitude of secrets in her possession. Magically powerful and eminently practical, she is perfectly willing and able to grow fingers or wings or even suction cups, or force a man to walk to his death with a single magically-infused bark, if it's going to keep her Mistress safe, or help them in their explorations. In fact, the Dog is a being of great age and greater secrets -- but of course, like any self-respecting library denizen, she isn't going to give it all away until the very end. Wise, witty, and worldly, she is still very much a dog, eager to see the world and to stick her nose into every part of it that she can reach; and like all good dogs, she is brave, true, loyal, and obedient... most of the time. She isn't called Disreputable for nothing, after all.
Sample Post:
Good morning, everyone! All bright-eyed and bushy-tailed for our library tour, are we? Good, good. Hang onto your hats, and keep your arms and legs in at all times. I'm looking at you, Stinky; you drop that arm one more time, you might not see it again. I know where all the bones are buried, after all... particularly the ham ones. I do love a good ham bone, don't you? Or beef... Oh, look at me, I seem to be drooling, and there's still hours to go before lunch. All right, everyone, come this way! Step lively, and single file. Careful! A library is a dangerous place. Oh, you don't believe me, do you? See if I help you the next time you get lost in a book. You never know what you might find down here. Libraries are alive, after all, and this one especially so.
That's right, everyone, just keep on following my wagging tail... ah, hello, what have we here? Hello there, little fellow, are you lost? Hmmm, I don't think he understands me. Loquorne libris? Parlez-vous livres? Oooook? Wait, wait, he's running off... you know, I'm starting to think he wasn't a proper book at all; I know I've never heard of an urban dictionary. How odd. But I suppose it isn't surprising; there are stranger and stranger creatures arriving here every day, you know. Remind me to tell you later about the time that school of babelfish got into the Linguistics section... what a confusion that was. Or, as we would have said then, the how confusion which is. And then there's the damned cats -- wait, I think I see one now!
Yes, yes, there he is, do you see him? That little black fellow there; sniffing around for cheeseburgers, no doubt. These things are an absolute plague -- quiet, quiet, we must be quiet, or he'll get away... worse than bookworms, these things, they play absolute havoc with grammar and what they do to spelling is utterly unspeakable... and then they get into the ceiling and the basement and after that there's just no getting rid of ah ha HAH, I've GOT you! Don't think you can run away from me, you little-- grrrrrrRRR! Ruff, ruff ruff! ...Hrmph. I bet he thinks he's got away... the joke's on him, though. I've chased him right into TV Tropes. There's absolutely no getting out of there.
Right! Enough delays, it's time that we-- Hey! You! Get that out of your mouth, that's a first edition! If you're that desperate for something to chew on, the Stephanie Meyer section is right over there. I highly recommend -- Hey! Don't you dare bite me, because you'll find I bite back! Rrrrr, damn Dead dunderheads.... all right, that's enough, enough, enough! Woof, ruff, wuff! Hau hau, wan, arf, and bow-wow! Ha, I think that's got all of you. All right then, march! That's right, off we go, left, right, left, right, and don't worry if you're not controlling your own legs, you can just leave that to me. Don't think about it, just enjoy the walk! Good girls, good boys. I love a good walk, and I'm going to get you through this tour, even if it kills you... again.
Poll So?
Character: Fuwa Juuzou
Series: Samurai Sentai Shinkenger
Character age: over 200
Character job: Dueling Instructor from Hell
Canon: In the world of Samurai Sentai Shinkenger, the proud samurai tradition is still going strong in the form of a color-coded sentai team. Led by their lord and Red Ranger, Shiba Takeru, they take up the sword to defend mankind from evil spirit monsters called Gedoushu who live in the Sanzu River (like the River Styx) and want to destroy the human world. However, some of these monsters started their lives as humans and fell due to their twisted obsessions consuming them in life and are doomed to permanently remain stuck in between both worlds, a part of neither.
Fuwa Juuzou is one of these former humans and his obsession was finding and fighting that one perfect battle, with an opponent unrivaled by any other. Even centuries later this ambition consumes almost every thought and action. He cares nothing at all for notions of good and evil and has devoted his entire being to the sword, and he loves his own sword Uramasa (Injustice) very much. However, he is patient and when not actively pursuing his goals he can even hold philosophical conversations and enjoy common things like sushi. He has a dry wit, a lot of knowledge, a disregard for authority, and a great deal of passion. He is very fervent in his beliefs and when he decides to do something or take an interest in someone he doesn't do it halfway.
Note: when strong opponents are near Uramasa "cries."
Sample app:
So this... is where I have been sent. I wonder, if this is the hell I've heard so much about? If it is I was expecting more suffering and pain, enough to horrify even one who has fallen to Gedou. But the place does not matter. What does matter is that I have been sent to instruct you in combat. I will make dueling mandatory and you will tell me who is your strongest. Together he and I will reach that highest peak. As for the rest, I will teach. The more that fight, the better, so first...
You have lost your ambition. Without it you will crumble--some of you have already begun. Pick yourselves off the ground and shake out the maggots; I will help you fill your empty vessels and find new purpose. The sword will be your new purpose. The sword will be your life, your breath, and the sole reason to exist for everyone here. There is no reason outside the blade and no pleasure but the feel of it in your hand. There is no joy but thrusting into your opponent. This weight of the blade and the sharp gleaming of the edge is the only truth.
... Don't moan; I was told to instruct and this is what I will teach you. There is no other choice for you all--even you purple ones over there. You are more lively but those are not swords, even as long and hard as they are, and that thrusting will not kill. Stop playing with yourselves and find real blades. This will be your first test. And if you fail... you will be meeting your next life sooner. I am not interested in weakness. Go now; I will wait for a while. But don't delay too long; I am eager to find my opponent.
Listening would do you good, even if you no longer have ears. Don't writhe on the ground; go find yourself a weapon. I am not interested in your excuses and if your comrade took your spine for his weapon why didn't you kill him and claim his for yours? Foolish. You will be the first to fail--the lake? Why should I be interested in the...lake. I see. For that I will spare you now but if you are still weaponless when I return you will fail the test. Go and complete your task; I must go to mine.
You, in the lake, you're interesting. I've never fought something like you and you look as eager as I am. Listen; even Uramasa is crying. Yes, maybe you will be the one to fill me. Come; let's find out together!
Poll So?
Character name: T-Rex
Series: Dinosaur Comics
Age: 27
Job: Captain Awesomebuff, Sexy Distributor of High Fives, Mistletoe Supervisor, and Also He Fights Robots With a Totally Rad Laser Gun
Canon: Guess what you guys, Dinosaur Comics stars dinosaurs. The same three dinosaurs in the same exact poses every day. But if it were all just about dinosaurs stomping on cabins and women, that wouldn't be very interesting, would it? Well MAYBE it would be, but this comic is ALSO about just about anything you can think of, from philosophy to linguistics to romance to explosions to sandwiches. And there's a surprising number of recurring characters, including God, the Devil, Shakespeare, and tiny bugs and elephants. (Anachronism is of course the name of the game.) The REAL star, however, is T-Rex, who appears in every single panel of the entire comic. Despite spending his days with rampant destruction, he's actually very dopey and easily distracted by things that sound cool. He has a ridiculous ideal of machismo and some of his favorite things are Batman, CAPSLOCK, and trying to be the best in whatever obscure niche he can find. He can be surprisingly intelligent, but his common sense and self-discipline are roughly 0%, and without the patient counterarguments of his friends, who knows where he would be.
Sample Entry:
OH MY GOD, you guys!! I have stepped into the cliché summer camp horror! Complete with friggin' zombies after my delicious brains! I never thought I, T-Rex, could ever be tasked with single-handedly stopping a zombie apocalypse... without getting a chance to brush my teeth first! Seriously, you didn't get that on film, right? That's kinda part of my image? And I need to make a good first impression on the zombies or else they'll think I'm a sissy who doesn't brush my teeth in the morning and they're gonna laugh at me? Okay, WELL! Surrounded by zombies! Luckily I took care of THAT with my quick thinking and awesome skills! Phew! Anyway don't open the door for reasons COMPLETELY UNRELATED to zombies being there after I ran screaming all the way here.
So about that important job interview!! I took the liberty of writing in my own preferred job-title-slash-job-description. It's efficient, because the job description is also the title! But don't worry, I am also very flexible. If you don't have any totally rad laser guns, I am prepared to undergo surgery so that I can shoot lasers out of my mouth instead. I trust that this is possible with other-dimensional science. If not, what are we using other dimensions for? As for the rest of the titles, let's see. Captain Awesomebuff, self-explanatory! High fives? Something that I would gladly distribute sexily for free, but please don't take that suggestion to heart!! Aaaand mistletoe! The famous! The one and only! The greatest scientific advancement of our times: something that GUARANTEES smooches for EVERY CITIZEN! I will readily ignore all issues of consent to say I am ALL OVER this idea! And also I want to be in charge of it. I shall be known as the Smoochmaster. Actually, can I cross out Mistletoe Supervisor and put Smoochmaster? Maybe get it as a promotion?? Oh man, I can finally see my dream career path unfolding before my very eyes, and it culminates in Grand Poobah of Smooches. Camp Fuck You Die, WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN ALL MY LIFE?
Incidentally, I have also noticed that you have a great number of cabins here in this here summer camp. Well. WELL. You better believe I am a cabin expert. A cabinologist! A Doctor of Cabinology! Mostly I - I stomp on cabins a lot, and the doctorate was a novelty present from my mom. But I stomp on cabins with scientific precision and sexy stylins, and there are just so many cabins here ripe for the stomping! I bet you didn't know that cabins ripen, but that's because you're not a Doctor of Cabinology. As you can see, the second page of my résumé is entirely devoted to my cabin-stomping achievements!
Also, if you look on the third page, you will see a Batman sticker. Not only is that amazingly convincing on its own, but if you tilt it to the side, you shall see it is also HOLOGRAPHIC. I rest my case!
Poll So?
Character Name: Kronos, aka "Melvin Koren"
Series: Highlander: the Series
Character Age: Physically in his 30s, but around 5000 years old.
Job: Head of the Camp Fuck You Die Chapter of Big Brothers Big Sisters
Canon: You just lost the Game! And if you were an Immortal in the world of Highlander, that means you've been beheaded. Immortals have secretly walked among us through all of history-long-lived, immune to sickness, and able to revive from nearly any injury, they start more humbly as regular people who live and grow until their innate immortality is triggered by a violent death. If they're lucky, they're taken in by another who'll train and teach them about the Game: a constant duel to the death between Immortals. The loser loses their head, and the winner inherits their powers-and in the end, there can be only one!
When you can live forever, it's good to have friends. However, if that friend happens to be Kronos, you might be better off just having enemies. Kronos and his three Immortal "brothers" rocked the Bronze Age by raping, pillaging, and killing countless thousands in what was possibly the longest raid ever. They were the Four Horsemen and nothing stood in their way, except maybe each other. After a betrayal they separated for several millennia, lost to each other, until Kronos kicked off a family reunion by attempting to end the modern world with a deadly, home-made super-virus. With his best days being in the past, he longed to recapture the old glory of being the most terrifying thing people have ever seen. Straightforward and frank, his inspirational pep talks lean towards my-way-or-die, as his brothers know. Kronos enjoyed the power and freedom of the ride and for the last two thousand years has dreamed of living it again. Despite having many names and identities over the years, this Horseman of War is a man full of ambition, charisma, anger at the world, and few morals save for loyalty(?) to his brothers.
Sample Post: Once, as living men, your kind learned to crawl, walk, and to run. Then one day, you couldn't run fast enough and died. Now? You hobble around full of rot, earn less respect than dogs, smell even worse-and you're hungry. Blood and flesh and brains will only last so long, but you know what you really need, right? You hunger for life, and for revenge! Vengeance against every man and beast that would flaunt their delicious bodies in your face, piss on your grave after too much from the tap, and then snatch themselves away before you've even wiped it off. What you need is fulfillment-the head of your enemy in your hands and the rich taste of victory on your tongue! Do you want that? Yeah?! Well, friend, that's where I'll help you.
Because, as part of the lowest, most neglected rung of society, you are the perfect candidate. As of today, we are brothers! And I always take care of those I call my own. I'm Melvin Koren, the new Head of the Camp Fuck You Die Chapter of Big Brothers Big Sisters. I'm here to make a positive impact on your after-life and help you reach your fullest potential. We're already close to being family; like distant cousins only twice removed. We should be dead, yet here we are. Still, I admit I'm surprised, seeing as I had a close shave with a sword and all back home. But if this is an "opportunity for rehabilitation," it wouldn't be fair to turn down Lizzie's generosity, would it? And I am nothing if not a man of opportunity. First on our agenda, we'll have to get you up to speed again... but more than just running. Only prey run-brothers have to ride! See this here? A fine, strong horse. She'll more than make up for what you lack between your legs, and if you take so much as one fucking bite out of her I will beat you with her dead carcass. Do you understand? Can you nod for me? Good... We've established a rapport. As a mentor, communication is key to a relationship.
Now get on the horse. Take the reins and sit up straight. Have some pride in yourself-remember, you were meant to be a creature of terror, and unstoppable even in death! Now...move. This horse is your horse, her legs are your legs. Feel that strength! The movement! No longer will you have to shamble from here to there. No more will your prey escape by walking at a fast pace. This time, the dead will ride! I think I'm impressed, who knew you'd be a natural? It's more than what you call a cool story, this is truly the first step to what being brothers is all about. Perhaps this rehabilitation business is more promising than I first thought. I'll gather others, and together we'll greet the campers and-aarg!! The hell-!
Ha ha ha... is this how it's going to work with you? No honor amongst family? You disappoint me. Hear what I say, brother: if you don't want to be a head in life...never bite the hand that steeds you, especially when the other hand holds a sword!
Poll So?
Character name: Earth ("Kirigi")
Series: Ark Angels
Age: Older than you, than dirt and any earth-dwelling creature. So there.
Job: Environmental Control
Canon: In Ark Angels, the planets and stars have human personifications. Earth is threatened by total contamination from warfare, bombing and the human race being... the human race, basically. The king of the universe, "The Lord", has decided that Earth no longer can deal with his body corroding at such a fast pace and wants to destroy all humans. However, humanity is momentarily spared by the intervention of the daughters of Noah, as they try to persuade The Lord into giving humans a second chance because there's still good in them. They're presented an ultimatum; fill an Ark with endangered animal species before a certain time period, or the humans will be disposed of by Earth himself.
Earth has two appearances. He usually takes on the divine form of Earth, a powerful man who's responsible, majestic, respected, and revered as the prettiest planet in the solar system, with the enigmatic Moon as his brother. But he also mingles in disguise among humans, taking the shape of a teenage boy named Kirigi, and attends the same school as Noah's daughters to secretly watch over them on their mission. He's one of the pretty, popular boys in school, with a haughty and annoyed demeanor, and he prefers to stay withdrawn from everyone. Though, get to know him better and you'll find he can be quite a playful tease with snarky humour. He's endlessly kind and tender to nature, and animals flock him when he calls. He loves every living thing on the planet. You too, unless your contribution to life is to start wars, use nature for selfish, profitable ends, or to throw your candy wrappers on the ground.
Note: Despite having sort of healing powers on animals, Earth can't heal himself directly, and is prone to sudden collapses and throwing up blood at random intervals. And this is all your fault. :(
Sample:
I was concerned about this place being an environmental hazard, but this goes beyond whatever I expected. The thought that I'm just going to overlook the natural conditions here is ridiculous. I have to cleanse this area for my own good, but the problem is I've met quite a resistance from the current... inhabitants. The idea that they'd be better off like this does not quite convince me when the dead are walking. The contamination has gone too far already. I couldn't condemn the humans without giving them one more try before, but these are already past their expiration date.
The zombies asked me to point out the absolute dangers of Camp Fuck You Earth (Excuse me?!) and I have to say the name fills me with dread of the environmental health. It's not very flattering. This entire area is quite sedimentary for one, my dear Watson... as Holmes would say. I kept wishing for someone else to be here, so I could make sure I wasn't the only one seeing this. It's not a good start. I tried to explain that I don't usually let lakes glisten with any other colour than glittering blue. It doesn't matter than it might be used to light up the area at night. Neon green is not a natural colour. It's bad enough when there's a overgrowth of green algae, because it can throw off the balance of the water ecosystem and speed up the global warming. What I heard next diminished my faith for the survival of this place, because they said they knew about 'global worming' and that it happens when 'worms take over the world'. ... My head hurts.
The majority of the creatures I've met so far have been less than living and that's proof of the bad condition of their natural habitat. But would they listen to that sort of reasoning? No, of course not. They said that there are living beings here too, and that they needed them for their brains. I don't want to go further into the implications of those words, and it's probably safer to just investigate the actual living population. Which brings me to another topic: the oversized squid in the lake. I talked to her and determined that the glowing water she lived in had already gone to her head. It's not normal behaviour for a squid to seek mates of another species, much less with the intent of non-consensual invading of personal space. I told her she needed to change her behaviour to survive, or she'd have to switch living locations, preferably bringing the other lake-living animals with her to cleaner waters. It amazed me that she had no idea how to talk to them, though. Please. As a squid, I told her the best way to communicate with fish is to drop them a line. The enthusiasm she displayed at this just showed her inability to detect sarcasm.
Trying to locate the Director, Miss Sayre, was nothing short of a disaster. Firstly, she refused to show herself, which was annoying and rude; secondly, I had to take a short pause in searching because of the pain. It felt like she mocked me when I spit blood, and my suspicions that she may have been using nuclear substances on the environment are scaring me. I can usually tell these things with precision, but there was something blocking my powers. It's strange and an insult to what I am and stand for. I've never seen this much decay in one place before, and the animals need help and care. This camp's inhabitants seems incapable of understanding that if I die, everyone residing here goes with me. I have to get to the root of this problem, before it's too late. That's why I'm recording this on paper. I hope it will bring some light to the situation.
Though, you who read it are probably wondering why Earth wrote on such cute stationery. I assure you, it wasn't my idea, but The Moon's. And he's got a penchant for being a hopeless lunatic.
Poll So?
Character: Choo Choo Bear
Series: Something*Positive
Character Age: 33
Counselor Job: Underwear Tree Trimmer and Personal Guard
Canon: Something*Positive is what you'd get if Seinfeld were based in Boston and took cynical, sarcastic pleasure in mocking geeks, tabletop gaming, theatre, and Texans at every angle imaginable. Meet Davan MacIntire and his group of friends. These twentysomethings put the 'fun' in 'dysfunctional," whether it's money-making schemes, abuse of theatre or public access TV, or all-inclusive snarkfests. (Even the exes are invited.) But amongst all the young adult drama, none of them forget to occasionally do something positive with their lives, even if they need a few reminders.
It was on such a day that two of Davan's friends foisted upon him a cat they'd rescued from a shelter. A pink, hairless, occasionally shapeless pudding cat named Choo Choo Bear. This elderly feline is "extra-huggable" due to years of chemotherapy softening up his bones, which explains why sometimes he drips and oozes about in a disturbing manner. He also contorts into unusual shapes for comedic or violent effect, and vocalizes some pretty bizarre cat sounds. A fickle cat who loves his owner, Choo Choo Bear is very expressive whether with joy, annoyance, snarling fury, or outright bawling. He frequently shows up in strange places when you least expect it-vents, shampoo bottles, his owner's nasal cavity-and his body functions as a blob-like junk drawer, easily absorbing house keys, cell phones, small animals... even his owner's baby blanket. Lost something? Just reach inside the pudding cat and if you find it, pull it out. Lastly he serves as a skilled underwear thief, willing to travel through pipes across time zones to steal nice panties.
Sample Post:
[A pink cat happily prances around the Underwear Tree. A tree that panties grow on! This is the most amazing tree he's ever seen. Circling it like a maypole, he stops at intervals to inspect thongs and bikini briefs that have freshly blossomed. His nose wrinkles at some of the cheaper ones, but on the far side are really nice ones that make his eyes sparkle. He recognizes quality by sight and smell. The cat inhales with a smile.]
Murr...
[Claiming the tree as his own, the cat settles into a thick puddle to nestle comfortably around the trunk like a Christmas tree skirt. Suddenly, a wild goat appears. It eyes the tasty panty foliage and steps closer, sniffing. Two yellow eyes pop open within the pink puddle. They stare up at the goat. Blink. Blink. The goat is oblivious. It stretches its neck out, lipping at the first pair within reach. They're nice bikini briefs with computer wire print. The cat's face appears in the middle of the puddle. He glares possessively. Those are his panties. The goat begins chewing on the briefs, plucking them off the branch.]
HSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!
[Startled, the goat lets go and skitters back several steps. The panties drop to the ground. A half-chewed label on the waistband is visible: Property of Frank. The goat bleats, looking around. No one here but us pink puddles. The goat leans down to sniff the puddle, which begins oozing away from the tree. It slithers across the ground to surround the goat, long stretches of pink shooting up around the animal now knee-deep in a pissed pink pudding cat. It panics, digging sharp hooves into the sticky pink threatening to swallow it up.]
Murfle meh meh MURRRRRRRRRR!
[The goat bleats for its life! It struggles to free itself, but to no avail. After engulfing the animal, the oozing pink puddle takes on a lumpy, catlike shape. The cat smiles and begins to purr. Within the catblob the goat keeps struggling. The cat frowns, annoyed.]
Meh meh.
[Kick, kick, kick. A muffled bleat.]
HSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!
[The cat's lumpy body begins to spaz around uncontrollably. Out spurts the poor goat like an expunged fetus. It runs away with an undignified bleat. The cat glares after, then turns to the half-chewed panties.]
Mraaa...
[Sniffly cat sounds. He yanks the panties over and drops them, letting his body absorb them with a soft shlorping sound. There. Now no one can touch Frank's wires. Proud of his accomplishment, Choo Choo Bear resumes his previous position under the Underwear Tree, yellow eyes watchful of more predators.]
Poll
Remember!
- Applicants, respond anonymously.
- If you're going to do the whole "ask me if I voted you out!" thing, please state who you voted out.
- No speculating about the identity of the applicants!
Now VOTE closed
Character: The Disreputable Dog (or the Disreputable Bitch, if you want to get technical)
Series: The Old Kingdom seriesby Garth Nix
Character Age: Ancient.
Job: Canine Assistant Librarian
Canon: So, we have this Wall. It's a pretty good Wall. South of it things are more or less business as usual (if your business is WWI-era England), but North of it is the Old Kingdom, where magic is a reality and the Dead have a bad habit of not staying down. Fortunately there are a number of mechanisms in place to safeguard the Kingdom: there's the Charter, which binds most of the Kingdom's raw, free magic into an ordered system; the Abhorsens, a line of necromancers tasked with keeping the Dead in their place; and the Clayr, a vast clan of witches with the power to See the future. But a Sightless Clayr has no place in the world, and that's why Lirael, working alone in the depths of the Great Library, is compelled in her loneliness to try and make herself a friend. She was trying to make a simple Charter-puppy to keep her company; what she got was the Dog.
Though she has the appearance of an ordinary mutt, the Disreputable Dog is in fact a creature comprised of both free and Charter magic, with a plentitude of secrets in her possession. Magically powerful and eminently practical, she is perfectly willing and able to grow fingers or wings or even suction cups, or force a man to walk to his death with a single magically-infused bark, if it's going to keep her Mistress safe, or help them in their explorations. In fact, the Dog is a being of great age and greater secrets -- but of course, like any self-respecting library denizen, she isn't going to give it all away until the very end. Wise, witty, and worldly, she is still very much a dog, eager to see the world and to stick her nose into every part of it that she can reach; and like all good dogs, she is brave, true, loyal, and obedient... most of the time. She isn't called Disreputable for nothing, after all.
Sample Post:
Good morning, everyone! All bright-eyed and bushy-tailed for our library tour, are we? Good, good. Hang onto your hats, and keep your arms and legs in at all times. I'm looking at you, Stinky; you drop that arm one more time, you might not see it again. I know where all the bones are buried, after all... particularly the ham ones. I do love a good ham bone, don't you? Or beef... Oh, look at me, I seem to be drooling, and there's still hours to go before lunch. All right, everyone, come this way! Step lively, and single file. Careful! A library is a dangerous place. Oh, you don't believe me, do you? See if I help you the next time you get lost in a book. You never know what you might find down here. Libraries are alive, after all, and this one especially so.
That's right, everyone, just keep on following my wagging tail... ah, hello, what have we here? Hello there, little fellow, are you lost? Hmmm, I don't think he understands me. Loquorne libris? Parlez-vous livres? Oooook? Wait, wait, he's running off... you know, I'm starting to think he wasn't a proper book at all; I know I've never heard of an urban dictionary. How odd. But I suppose it isn't surprising; there are stranger and stranger creatures arriving here every day, you know. Remind me to tell you later about the time that school of babelfish got into the Linguistics section... what a confusion that was. Or, as we would have said then, the how confusion which is. And then there's the damned cats -- wait, I think I see one now!
Yes, yes, there he is, do you see him? That little black fellow there; sniffing around for cheeseburgers, no doubt. These things are an absolute plague -- quiet, quiet, we must be quiet, or he'll get away... worse than bookworms, these things, they play absolute havoc with grammar and what they do to spelling is utterly unspeakable... and then they get into the ceiling and the basement and after that there's just no getting rid of ah ha HAH, I've GOT you! Don't think you can run away from me, you little-- grrrrrrRRR! Ruff, ruff ruff! ...Hrmph. I bet he thinks he's got away... the joke's on him, though. I've chased him right into TV Tropes. There's absolutely no getting out of there.
Right! Enough delays, it's time that we-- Hey! You! Get that out of your mouth, that's a first edition! If you're that desperate for something to chew on, the Stephanie Meyer section is right over there. I highly recommend -- Hey! Don't you dare bite me, because you'll find I bite back! Rrrrr, damn Dead dunderheads.... all right, that's enough, enough, enough! Woof, ruff, wuff! Hau hau, wan, arf, and bow-wow! Ha, I think that's got all of you. All right then, march! That's right, off we go, left, right, left, right, and don't worry if you're not controlling your own legs, you can just leave that to me. Don't think about it, just enjoy the walk! Good girls, good boys. I love a good walk, and I'm going to get you through this tour, even if it kills you... again.
Poll So?
Character: Fuwa Juuzou
Series: Samurai Sentai Shinkenger
Character age: over 200
Character job: Dueling Instructor from Hell
Canon: In the world of Samurai Sentai Shinkenger, the proud samurai tradition is still going strong in the form of a color-coded sentai team. Led by their lord and Red Ranger, Shiba Takeru, they take up the sword to defend mankind from evil spirit monsters called Gedoushu who live in the Sanzu River (like the River Styx) and want to destroy the human world. However, some of these monsters started their lives as humans and fell due to their twisted obsessions consuming them in life and are doomed to permanently remain stuck in between both worlds, a part of neither.
Fuwa Juuzou is one of these former humans and his obsession was finding and fighting that one perfect battle, with an opponent unrivaled by any other. Even centuries later this ambition consumes almost every thought and action. He cares nothing at all for notions of good and evil and has devoted his entire being to the sword, and he loves his own sword Uramasa (Injustice) very much. However, he is patient and when not actively pursuing his goals he can even hold philosophical conversations and enjoy common things like sushi. He has a dry wit, a lot of knowledge, a disregard for authority, and a great deal of passion. He is very fervent in his beliefs and when he decides to do something or take an interest in someone he doesn't do it halfway.
Note: when strong opponents are near Uramasa "cries."
Sample app:
So this... is where I have been sent. I wonder, if this is the hell I've heard so much about? If it is I was expecting more suffering and pain, enough to horrify even one who has fallen to Gedou. But the place does not matter. What does matter is that I have been sent to instruct you in combat. I will make dueling mandatory and you will tell me who is your strongest. Together he and I will reach that highest peak. As for the rest, I will teach. The more that fight, the better, so first...
You have lost your ambition. Without it you will crumble--some of you have already begun. Pick yourselves off the ground and shake out the maggots; I will help you fill your empty vessels and find new purpose. The sword will be your new purpose. The sword will be your life, your breath, and the sole reason to exist for everyone here. There is no reason outside the blade and no pleasure but the feel of it in your hand. There is no joy but thrusting into your opponent. This weight of the blade and the sharp gleaming of the edge is the only truth.
... Don't moan; I was told to instruct and this is what I will teach you. There is no other choice for you all--even you purple ones over there. You are more lively but those are not swords, even as long and hard as they are, and that thrusting will not kill. Stop playing with yourselves and find real blades. This will be your first test. And if you fail... you will be meeting your next life sooner. I am not interested in weakness. Go now; I will wait for a while. But don't delay too long; I am eager to find my opponent.
Listening would do you good, even if you no longer have ears. Don't writhe on the ground; go find yourself a weapon. I am not interested in your excuses and if your comrade took your spine for his weapon why didn't you kill him and claim his for yours? Foolish. You will be the first to fail--the lake? Why should I be interested in the...lake. I see. For that I will spare you now but if you are still weaponless when I return you will fail the test. Go and complete your task; I must go to mine.
You, in the lake, you're interesting. I've never fought something like you and you look as eager as I am. Listen; even Uramasa is crying. Yes, maybe you will be the one to fill me. Come; let's find out together!
Poll So?
Character name: T-Rex
Series: Dinosaur Comics
Age: 27
Job: Captain Awesomebuff, Sexy Distributor of High Fives, Mistletoe Supervisor, and Also He Fights Robots With a Totally Rad Laser Gun
Canon: Guess what you guys, Dinosaur Comics stars dinosaurs. The same three dinosaurs in the same exact poses every day. But if it were all just about dinosaurs stomping on cabins and women, that wouldn't be very interesting, would it? Well MAYBE it would be, but this comic is ALSO about just about anything you can think of, from philosophy to linguistics to romance to explosions to sandwiches. And there's a surprising number of recurring characters, including God, the Devil, Shakespeare, and tiny bugs and elephants. (Anachronism is of course the name of the game.) The REAL star, however, is T-Rex, who appears in every single panel of the entire comic. Despite spending his days with rampant destruction, he's actually very dopey and easily distracted by things that sound cool. He has a ridiculous ideal of machismo and some of his favorite things are Batman, CAPSLOCK, and trying to be the best in whatever obscure niche he can find. He can be surprisingly intelligent, but his common sense and self-discipline are roughly 0%, and without the patient counterarguments of his friends, who knows where he would be.
Sample Entry:
OH MY GOD, you guys!! I have stepped into the cliché summer camp horror! Complete with friggin' zombies after my delicious brains! I never thought I, T-Rex, could ever be tasked with single-handedly stopping a zombie apocalypse... without getting a chance to brush my teeth first! Seriously, you didn't get that on film, right? That's kinda part of my image? And I need to make a good first impression on the zombies or else they'll think I'm a sissy who doesn't brush my teeth in the morning and they're gonna laugh at me? Okay, WELL! Surrounded by zombies! Luckily I took care of THAT with my quick thinking and awesome skills! Phew! Anyway don't open the door for reasons COMPLETELY UNRELATED to zombies being there after I ran screaming all the way here.
So about that important job interview!! I took the liberty of writing in my own preferred job-title-slash-job-description. It's efficient, because the job description is also the title! But don't worry, I am also very flexible. If you don't have any totally rad laser guns, I am prepared to undergo surgery so that I can shoot lasers out of my mouth instead. I trust that this is possible with other-dimensional science. If not, what are we using other dimensions for? As for the rest of the titles, let's see. Captain Awesomebuff, self-explanatory! High fives? Something that I would gladly distribute sexily for free, but please don't take that suggestion to heart!! Aaaand mistletoe! The famous! The one and only! The greatest scientific advancement of our times: something that GUARANTEES smooches for EVERY CITIZEN! I will readily ignore all issues of consent to say I am ALL OVER this idea! And also I want to be in charge of it. I shall be known as the Smoochmaster. Actually, can I cross out Mistletoe Supervisor and put Smoochmaster? Maybe get it as a promotion?? Oh man, I can finally see my dream career path unfolding before my very eyes, and it culminates in Grand Poobah of Smooches. Camp Fuck You Die, WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN ALL MY LIFE?
Incidentally, I have also noticed that you have a great number of cabins here in this here summer camp. Well. WELL. You better believe I am a cabin expert. A cabinologist! A Doctor of Cabinology! Mostly I - I stomp on cabins a lot, and the doctorate was a novelty present from my mom. But I stomp on cabins with scientific precision and sexy stylins, and there are just so many cabins here ripe for the stomping! I bet you didn't know that cabins ripen, but that's because you're not a Doctor of Cabinology. As you can see, the second page of my résumé is entirely devoted to my cabin-stomping achievements!
Also, if you look on the third page, you will see a Batman sticker. Not only is that amazingly convincing on its own, but if you tilt it to the side, you shall see it is also HOLOGRAPHIC. I rest my case!
Poll So?
Character Name: Kronos, aka "Melvin Koren"
Series: Highlander: the Series
Character Age: Physically in his 30s, but around 5000 years old.
Job: Head of the Camp Fuck You Die Chapter of Big Brothers Big Sisters
Canon: You just lost the Game! And if you were an Immortal in the world of Highlander, that means you've been beheaded. Immortals have secretly walked among us through all of history-long-lived, immune to sickness, and able to revive from nearly any injury, they start more humbly as regular people who live and grow until their innate immortality is triggered by a violent death. If they're lucky, they're taken in by another who'll train and teach them about the Game: a constant duel to the death between Immortals. The loser loses their head, and the winner inherits their powers-and in the end, there can be only one!
When you can live forever, it's good to have friends. However, if that friend happens to be Kronos, you might be better off just having enemies. Kronos and his three Immortal "brothers" rocked the Bronze Age by raping, pillaging, and killing countless thousands in what was possibly the longest raid ever. They were the Four Horsemen and nothing stood in their way, except maybe each other. After a betrayal they separated for several millennia, lost to each other, until Kronos kicked off a family reunion by attempting to end the modern world with a deadly, home-made super-virus. With his best days being in the past, he longed to recapture the old glory of being the most terrifying thing people have ever seen. Straightforward and frank, his inspirational pep talks lean towards my-way-or-die, as his brothers know. Kronos enjoyed the power and freedom of the ride and for the last two thousand years has dreamed of living it again. Despite having many names and identities over the years, this Horseman of War is a man full of ambition, charisma, anger at the world, and few morals save for loyalty(?) to his brothers.
Sample Post: Once, as living men, your kind learned to crawl, walk, and to run. Then one day, you couldn't run fast enough and died. Now? You hobble around full of rot, earn less respect than dogs, smell even worse-and you're hungry. Blood and flesh and brains will only last so long, but you know what you really need, right? You hunger for life, and for revenge! Vengeance against every man and beast that would flaunt their delicious bodies in your face, piss on your grave after too much from the tap, and then snatch themselves away before you've even wiped it off. What you need is fulfillment-the head of your enemy in your hands and the rich taste of victory on your tongue! Do you want that? Yeah?! Well, friend, that's where I'll help you.
Because, as part of the lowest, most neglected rung of society, you are the perfect candidate. As of today, we are brothers! And I always take care of those I call my own. I'm Melvin Koren, the new Head of the Camp Fuck You Die Chapter of Big Brothers Big Sisters. I'm here to make a positive impact on your after-life and help you reach your fullest potential. We're already close to being family; like distant cousins only twice removed. We should be dead, yet here we are. Still, I admit I'm surprised, seeing as I had a close shave with a sword and all back home. But if this is an "opportunity for rehabilitation," it wouldn't be fair to turn down Lizzie's generosity, would it? And I am nothing if not a man of opportunity. First on our agenda, we'll have to get you up to speed again... but more than just running. Only prey run-brothers have to ride! See this here? A fine, strong horse. She'll more than make up for what you lack between your legs, and if you take so much as one fucking bite out of her I will beat you with her dead carcass. Do you understand? Can you nod for me? Good... We've established a rapport. As a mentor, communication is key to a relationship.
Now get on the horse. Take the reins and sit up straight. Have some pride in yourself-remember, you were meant to be a creature of terror, and unstoppable even in death! Now...move. This horse is your horse, her legs are your legs. Feel that strength! The movement! No longer will you have to shamble from here to there. No more will your prey escape by walking at a fast pace. This time, the dead will ride! I think I'm impressed, who knew you'd be a natural? It's more than what you call a cool story, this is truly the first step to what being brothers is all about. Perhaps this rehabilitation business is more promising than I first thought. I'll gather others, and together we'll greet the campers and-aarg!! The hell-!
Ha ha ha... is this how it's going to work with you? No honor amongst family? You disappoint me. Hear what I say, brother: if you don't want to be a head in life...never bite the hand that steeds you, especially when the other hand holds a sword!
Poll So?
Character name: Earth ("Kirigi")
Series: Ark Angels
Age: Older than you, than dirt and any earth-dwelling creature. So there.
Job: Environmental Control
Canon: In Ark Angels, the planets and stars have human personifications. Earth is threatened by total contamination from warfare, bombing and the human race being... the human race, basically. The king of the universe, "The Lord", has decided that Earth no longer can deal with his body corroding at such a fast pace and wants to destroy all humans. However, humanity is momentarily spared by the intervention of the daughters of Noah, as they try to persuade The Lord into giving humans a second chance because there's still good in them. They're presented an ultimatum; fill an Ark with endangered animal species before a certain time period, or the humans will be disposed of by Earth himself.
Earth has two appearances. He usually takes on the divine form of Earth, a powerful man who's responsible, majestic, respected, and revered as the prettiest planet in the solar system, with the enigmatic Moon as his brother. But he also mingles in disguise among humans, taking the shape of a teenage boy named Kirigi, and attends the same school as Noah's daughters to secretly watch over them on their mission. He's one of the pretty, popular boys in school, with a haughty and annoyed demeanor, and he prefers to stay withdrawn from everyone. Though, get to know him better and you'll find he can be quite a playful tease with snarky humour. He's endlessly kind and tender to nature, and animals flock him when he calls. He loves every living thing on the planet. You too, unless your contribution to life is to start wars, use nature for selfish, profitable ends, or to throw your candy wrappers on the ground.
Note: Despite having sort of healing powers on animals, Earth can't heal himself directly, and is prone to sudden collapses and throwing up blood at random intervals. And this is all your fault. :(
Sample:
I was concerned about this place being an environmental hazard, but this goes beyond whatever I expected. The thought that I'm just going to overlook the natural conditions here is ridiculous. I have to cleanse this area for my own good, but the problem is I've met quite a resistance from the current... inhabitants. The idea that they'd be better off like this does not quite convince me when the dead are walking. The contamination has gone too far already. I couldn't condemn the humans without giving them one more try before, but these are already past their expiration date.
The zombies asked me to point out the absolute dangers of Camp Fuck You Earth (Excuse me?!) and I have to say the name fills me with dread of the environmental health. It's not very flattering. This entire area is quite sedimentary for one, my dear Watson... as Holmes would say. I kept wishing for someone else to be here, so I could make sure I wasn't the only one seeing this. It's not a good start. I tried to explain that I don't usually let lakes glisten with any other colour than glittering blue. It doesn't matter than it might be used to light up the area at night. Neon green is not a natural colour. It's bad enough when there's a overgrowth of green algae, because it can throw off the balance of the water ecosystem and speed up the global warming. What I heard next diminished my faith for the survival of this place, because they said they knew about 'global worming' and that it happens when 'worms take over the world'. ... My head hurts.
The majority of the creatures I've met so far have been less than living and that's proof of the bad condition of their natural habitat. But would they listen to that sort of reasoning? No, of course not. They said that there are living beings here too, and that they needed them for their brains. I don't want to go further into the implications of those words, and it's probably safer to just investigate the actual living population. Which brings me to another topic: the oversized squid in the lake. I talked to her and determined that the glowing water she lived in had already gone to her head. It's not normal behaviour for a squid to seek mates of another species, much less with the intent of non-consensual invading of personal space. I told her she needed to change her behaviour to survive, or she'd have to switch living locations, preferably bringing the other lake-living animals with her to cleaner waters. It amazed me that she had no idea how to talk to them, though. Please. As a squid, I told her the best way to communicate with fish is to drop them a line. The enthusiasm she displayed at this just showed her inability to detect sarcasm.
Trying to locate the Director, Miss Sayre, was nothing short of a disaster. Firstly, she refused to show herself, which was annoying and rude; secondly, I had to take a short pause in searching because of the pain. It felt like she mocked me when I spit blood, and my suspicions that she may have been using nuclear substances on the environment are scaring me. I can usually tell these things with precision, but there was something blocking my powers. It's strange and an insult to what I am and stand for. I've never seen this much decay in one place before, and the animals need help and care. This camp's inhabitants seems incapable of understanding that if I die, everyone residing here goes with me. I have to get to the root of this problem, before it's too late. That's why I'm recording this on paper. I hope it will bring some light to the situation.
Though, you who read it are probably wondering why Earth wrote on such cute stationery. I assure you, it wasn't my idea, but The Moon's. And he's got a penchant for being a hopeless lunatic.
Poll So?
Character: Choo Choo Bear
Series: Something*Positive
Character Age: 33
Counselor Job: Underwear Tree Trimmer and Personal Guard
Canon: Something*Positive is what you'd get if Seinfeld were based in Boston and took cynical, sarcastic pleasure in mocking geeks, tabletop gaming, theatre, and Texans at every angle imaginable. Meet Davan MacIntire and his group of friends. These twentysomethings put the 'fun' in 'dysfunctional," whether it's money-making schemes, abuse of theatre or public access TV, or all-inclusive snarkfests. (Even the exes are invited.) But amongst all the young adult drama, none of them forget to occasionally do something positive with their lives, even if they need a few reminders.
It was on such a day that two of Davan's friends foisted upon him a cat they'd rescued from a shelter. A pink, hairless, occasionally shapeless pudding cat named Choo Choo Bear. This elderly feline is "extra-huggable" due to years of chemotherapy softening up his bones, which explains why sometimes he drips and oozes about in a disturbing manner. He also contorts into unusual shapes for comedic or violent effect, and vocalizes some pretty bizarre cat sounds. A fickle cat who loves his owner, Choo Choo Bear is very expressive whether with joy, annoyance, snarling fury, or outright bawling. He frequently shows up in strange places when you least expect it-vents, shampoo bottles, his owner's nasal cavity-and his body functions as a blob-like junk drawer, easily absorbing house keys, cell phones, small animals... even his owner's baby blanket. Lost something? Just reach inside the pudding cat and if you find it, pull it out. Lastly he serves as a skilled underwear thief, willing to travel through pipes across time zones to steal nice panties.
Sample Post:
[A pink cat happily prances around the Underwear Tree. A tree that panties grow on! This is the most amazing tree he's ever seen. Circling it like a maypole, he stops at intervals to inspect thongs and bikini briefs that have freshly blossomed. His nose wrinkles at some of the cheaper ones, but on the far side are really nice ones that make his eyes sparkle. He recognizes quality by sight and smell. The cat inhales with a smile.]
Murr...
[Claiming the tree as his own, the cat settles into a thick puddle to nestle comfortably around the trunk like a Christmas tree skirt. Suddenly, a wild goat appears. It eyes the tasty panty foliage and steps closer, sniffing. Two yellow eyes pop open within the pink puddle. They stare up at the goat. Blink. Blink. The goat is oblivious. It stretches its neck out, lipping at the first pair within reach. They're nice bikini briefs with computer wire print. The cat's face appears in the middle of the puddle. He glares possessively. Those are his panties. The goat begins chewing on the briefs, plucking them off the branch.]
HSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!
[Startled, the goat lets go and skitters back several steps. The panties drop to the ground. A half-chewed label on the waistband is visible: Property of Frank. The goat bleats, looking around. No one here but us pink puddles. The goat leans down to sniff the puddle, which begins oozing away from the tree. It slithers across the ground to surround the goat, long stretches of pink shooting up around the animal now knee-deep in a pissed pink pudding cat. It panics, digging sharp hooves into the sticky pink threatening to swallow it up.]
Murfle meh meh MURRRRRRRRRR!
[The goat bleats for its life! It struggles to free itself, but to no avail. After engulfing the animal, the oozing pink puddle takes on a lumpy, catlike shape. The cat smiles and begins to purr. Within the catblob the goat keeps struggling. The cat frowns, annoyed.]
Meh meh.
[Kick, kick, kick. A muffled bleat.]
HSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!
[The cat's lumpy body begins to spaz around uncontrollably. Out spurts the poor goat like an expunged fetus. It runs away with an undignified bleat. The cat glares after, then turns to the half-chewed panties.]
Mraaa...
[Sniffly cat sounds. He yanks the panties over and drops them, letting his body absorb them with a soft shlorping sound. There. Now no one can touch Frank's wires. Proud of his accomplishment, Choo Choo Bear resumes his previous position under the Underwear Tree, yellow eyes watchful of more predators.]
Poll