(no subject)
NEXT ROUND, have another large batch!
Remember!
- Applicants, respond anonymously.
- If you're going to do the whole "ask me why I voted you out!" thing, please state who you voted out.
- No speculating about the identity of the applicants!
Now VOTE. Closed!
Character Name: Kumar Patel
Series: Harold and Kumar series
Age: 22
Job: Camp Nurse
Canon: Harold and Kumar are two college graduates in pursuit of the American dream-To get really, really high on life, and pot. When the munchies hit them, they decide to head to White Castle and start on an adventure that takes them through the weirder side of New Jersey. The insanity hits nine different levels once they end up riding a baked cheetah and singing along to Hold On. In their second adventure, Harold and Kumar are on the lam when they escape Guantanmo Bay after their bong is mistaken as a bomb on a plane. Naturally, they smoke more than a few joints along the way, even with their good buddy, President Bush.
The opposite of his straight-laced best friend, Kumar is laid-back and uninhibited, even before he takes a hit. He's rarely taken by surprise and is willing to go along with any bit of insanity he finds. Though, he's usually the instigator rather than the other way around. Living by his own rules, Kumar tends to cause a lot of grief for anyone around him without realizing it. He isn't completely irredeemable, however. Kumar is highly intelligent, easily capable of performing surgery with amazing marks in school, along with being outspoken and ready to fight anyone for what he believes in which is his freedom of speech, freedom to protest, and right to be completely baked more than anything else.
Note: Harold's real name is Roldy. Don't be confused by the title of the films.
Sample Entry:
Alright, I'm over this. I can deal with the whole, "Oh, no! Oh, no! We're trapped, and this vine is touching me in places a girl has never touched me, oh god!" I mean, that plant had a very gentle touch, just saying. Seriously, this place is a fast-food joint short of paradise if you look at it right. Yeah, all the chicks are from like cartoons that would only give some nerd a boner, but do you see how much clothes they aren't wearing? Haha, Asian fever, here I come! And it may not be a KFC, but an unlimited supply of food at any hour of the day? Haha, yeahhh. . . But, seriously, if you're going to have that kind of service, then you need to create a demand. And how else are you going to create a demand? But with weed. Besides, there is no way someone could get through half of this shit without being blown out of their mind. Come on, who doesn't think the director is taking more than a few hits? -Yeah, that's what I thought.
And, by the way, whoever thought the whole male nurse gag was funny? Yeah, let's give some random Indian guy the job, because they're all doctors anyway~! That's not funny, asshole; that's racism. Not to mention, you are completely ruining the sacred image of a luscious woman in a nurse outfit gently tending to your wounds and every need. These people are in a hospital; they're already in pain. Do something to help them. And, hey, if you really need the help? With, you know, some of these over-eighteen girls? You know where to find me. Just make sure to throw Doctor in front of my name, not RN. That is not how you give a man some dignity. You help me, I help you, okay? Okay. Until then, I taught the hairy chick that was all over me how to tie a splint, so she can cover for you guys. Because there's no way some kids in some puny-ass summer camp on a bad trip is going to get hurt much worse than that. So, you're welcome, but you should definitely get on finding someone who is actually qualified for the job. You know, someone with some curves. After fixing this whole no-pot situation, of course. . .
-Wait, wait! That distinctive serrate leaf pattern and slightly sweet odor. . . Dude, haha, that's genius! Cross-breeding cannabis with the Trema orientalis of the same family to disguise it not growing in its usual bush-like form. It may weaken the hit, but there's no way anyone will steal your stash! Oh man, I really gotta give the guy who thought this up some credit. The underwear is a very nice touch , too. -Aw, crap, that creepy chick is back again. They invented wax for a reason, ugh. God, she better not look up here. I am not getting man-handled by some chick with leathery ass hands while I am smoking a bowl. She'd probably break the damn tree. Hello, Weight Watchers. Oh, oh, shit! No, don't come up here! You stupid bitch-Fuck!>
No. . . No! Goddamnit! I told you not to come up! You killed it-You fucking killed the only source of pot in this whole place! Now, what am I supposed to do? That poor tree. . . Just trying to bring joy and happiness to us all, but it's life was cut short. Shh, it's okay, it's okay. I won't forget you. -Could you stop crying already? Something beautiful has died; show some respect. Oh, boo-hoo, I'm on fire~ Save me, Kumar~ Okay, okay! I put out the fire, but you still have some burns that need to be sterilized. So, you have to go back to the hospital. I'll just wrap it up until you can get back. I just need a. . . Damn, where did Roldy go? I need his fucking shirt.
Poll Vote!
Character: Harold Lee
Series: Harold and Kumar series
Character Age: 22
Job: Personal Assistant to Marcy
Canon: The Harold and Kumar series revolves around the two pot-smoking titular characters and their epic comedic adventures. In the first movie, Harold and Kumar get a craving for White Castle burgers after watching a TV commercial, and the two embark on a quest, ending up in a bunch of hilarious misadventures that include extremely extreme sports punks, getting stuck in a toilet cubicle between two women playing "Battleshits", riding a cheetah while high, impromptu hang-gliding, and Neil Patrick Harris. The fun doesn't stop there! Misadventures in the second movie include being mistaken as terrorists, being told to eat cockmeat, crashing a bottomless party (instead of a topless one), smoking pot with George W. Bush, hookers, and Neil Patrick Harris. As you can tell, Harold and Kumar are a classy pair.
Entry level investment banker Harold Lee is the straight-laced (okay, maybe not so straight-laced, considering that he's a stoner), long-suffering best friend and roommate of Kumar. He's fully socially functional, but because he can be a bit of a push-over and puts up with a lot of bullshit, Harold is an easy target for getting bullied into situations by others, be it dickish co-workers, fellow Asian nerds, or his own best friend. To make up for it, he swears a lot and can be passive-aggressive. Okay, so he can be described as suppressed. When he gets mad, though, Harold does an impressive job of flipping out.
Sample Post:
So, here I am, at Camp Fuck U Die. With the beautiful trees... the glowing lake... the moon with an actual face... and the fucking legion of the undead!! What the fuck is this?! There are so many things wrong with this entire situation! Summer camp? That's obviously a lie, because it's winter and half the kids who hang out here look older than me. All right... all right. I'm cool. It's cool. Things will be fine. Never mind I'm just been told I'm now the fucking PA of what looks like a tentacle monster from a B movie, that gorillas touched my balls, that I was forced into a maid costume, that Kumar stole my cell phone and then ran off somewhere. Never mind that that toucan over there stole my fucking wallet. ...
You know what? Scratch that. I mind. Everything I've just said? I MIND! I didn't need to have gorillas touching me in places I don't even let hookers- Okay, I'm sure they are very nice classy ladies but that's not the point, they do not touch me there either! I didn't even sign up for this job. I've got a proper one back at home that I still need to get back to. Besides, kidnapping is illegal! And what the fuck does a giant cephalopod need a personal assistant for, anyway?! Okay, Harold. You're not going to get any answers like that. Just find Kumar, and get out of here. Maybe if I run for it... No, no, wait. Bad end. I've seen those gorillas riding unicorns, and boy do they ride fast. They'll catch up with me in no time. And anyway I don't think I ever want to see anything like that ever again in my life. Maybe... if I play nice, smile and go along with it, I can figure out a way to escape. And if I do my job well, like really well, I can get on Marcy's good side, and ask her about the place, find Kumar, and get the hell back home. Yes! This is a great idea! So let's very logically start off by taking a look at the to-do list I was given.
- Find young nubile boys
- Answer Match.com emails
- Print and file details on all possible mates
- Answer mating calls
- Ensure level of toxicity in lake is agreeable with Mar-
... You know what? I... I can't do this if I keep reading. I am just going to look at the first task for now, and take things one step at a time. So... Any of you guys here interested in... waterspor- no wait that was a really bad way of putting it. I meant- fun with... an aquatic animal? I'm just asking, because it is my job. And I am doing my job, like a good worker. You do not have to say yes. Please, do not say yes.
Poll Vote!
Character: Kurenai Otoya
Series: Kamen Rider Kiva
Age: 24
Job: Violin Coach
Canon: Kamen Rider Kiva is a tokusatsu show involving plastic suits and rubber monsters. The plot for this series is unusual because it runs on two timelines that are connected via the characters themselves. For instance, the main character, Kurenai Wataru, is introduced in the year 2008. Shy and unable to say no to people, it's almost hard to believe that he is, in fact, Kamen Rider Kiva; the warrior who fights against fangires and protects humanity. And what are fangires exactly? Monsters that have two forms; the first being a human form and the second being that of a stained glass vampire that feeds upon human life energy.
Now let's backtrack to the year 1986. Fangires are running loose even back then, but there is no Kiva to protect humanity. Instead there is a group called the Wonderful Blue Sky Organization. And representing this group is a warrior called Ixa. One of the users of Ixa is called Kurenai Otoya. This man is called a "once in a millennium" genius violin player; he theorizes that all humans are music and believes that he can hear the sound of their souls. There are many who fall for his charm and good looks; this is because he is a smooth talker, often waxing poetic when wooing women, as well as self assured and confident. He hates those that get in his way and has an ego the size of the sun. He also has an absolutely ridiculous side; as in, hilarity often ensues when he's around. Whether by someone else beating him up or him goofing up all on his own. Though this is the case, he also has a serious side that comes out when those he loves are in danger. Other than that, he is absolutely fabulous and he will let you know it.
Sample Entry:
The great Kurenai Otoya has entered this camp. Please don't hesitate to bow and bask in my presence. I know that it must move you to see such elegance, such style, such grace! Ah, you there. Yes, you with the badly manicured nails. Tell me the official name of this place, if you will-- What's this? Camp For Useless Dummies? That must be wrong. Kurenai Otoya is neither useless nor a dummy. Kurenai Otoya is a magnificent man who is a once in a millennium genius. Truly there is no one greater than I.
Oh? You want to know why I have decided to set foot on this land? Very well, I'll tell you. I have come here to be a violin instructor to any and all women in this camp. Men have no need to apply; with the exception of me, they are unruly brutes, the lot of them. They have no sense in dealing with the fairer sex. No, clearly all women are for me and me alone. Men who get in the way are simply fools, for their music is nothing compared to the alluring marvel of a woman's heart. Ah, I can hear it now; the beat beneath their breast, the fluttering notes of their voices. It's an absolute art that only I can understand the sound of their souls.
How do I do such a thing? Must you ask? It is because I am Kurenai Otoya. That and that alone is reason enough. Surely you have heard of me. My reputation is known far and wide. I am the bird to the bees; a star in the world of both women and violi-- really, I must tell you to keep your distance. I know how hard it is to resist such a man as I, but I dislike men. And handing me that heart of yours won't win you a place in my heart. Also, asking for my hand in marriage is unthinkable for I, Kurenai Otoya, hate engagements most of all. Also, doing it in such a way . . . must you really detach your hand from your wrist like that? I'm sure there are those who believe that to be quite a feat, but I see it as nothing more than a parlor trick.
Really, even I can do such a thing. Oh? You want to see? Well then, I'm sorry to disappoint you, but the fabulous Kurenai Otoya answers to no one but himself~ However, I will make an exception for that lady friend of yours. Will you allow me to hear the delicate sonata of your name? Burghargh? Ah, what a truly a beautiful name. Here, allow me to play you a song. It will leave you with something more precious than the world itself for my music is that of the heavens. Now listen well for this performance will be like no other. I will grace you with its sound once and only once and thus the name Kurenai Otoya will be embedded in your heart forevermore~
Poll Vote!
Character: Phil Ken Sebben
Series: Harvey Birdman: Attorney at Law
Character Age: 41 (assuming he was lying about some of the other ages he gave)
Job: Lawyer/Dinosaur-hunting Guide.
Canon: Ever wonder what would happen if the Hanna-Barbera cartoon characters you knew as a kid were thrown into a surreal adult comedy setting? Well, they'd get arrested a lot, which is where Phil Ken Sebben comes in to make a profit off of the situation; whether it be Shaggy and Scooby Doo cuffed for suspected marijuana use, or Dr. Quest being sued by his same-sex partner for custody of their boys (whatever their names were).
Phil is the boss of the odd team of lawyers who take on those cases, some of them retired superheroes. He spends his time counting money, harassing (sexually or otherwise) his employees, telling everyone to get in here, knocking back shots, hitting on Birdgirl who doesn't resemble his daughter at all why would you even say that you're just jealous, fourth-walling with Stephen Colbert, and failing at depth perception. He dominates conversations with detached tl;dr that exposes his cruel frugality, interrupting himself occasionally to laugh at his own double-entendres. He's not always an abusive dictator: sometimes he will worship the ground you walk on... especially if you're really hot (i.e. girls with eyepatches, Latinos, close relatives, etc.). There's just no middle-ground with Phil.
Sample Post:
Attention all campers. After I finished fighting penguins all afternoon I finally realized this was neither Los Angeles nor Prehistoria. Maybe it's Canada. Or New Jersey. Anyway, that only means I need a new law office. I'll just commandeer one of the cabins. Throw out the furniture, rip out the air conditioning, convert the bathroom into a panic room with a minibar, add a few statues and paintings of myself, and it'll be looking classier than ever! Never mind the campers already living in it. If they don't clear out once the furniture is stripped, I'll find some work in the office for them. Child labor is cheap! Those sweat shops out east really know how to run a business.
Once that's done I'll be needing some lawyers and clients. Child labor and 3-hour-diplomas might take care of the first, but the other one might take some time. I think I saw Grape Ape around here. Several times, and several times at the same time, sometimes. He's still looking for an appeal, right? I know apes, they can't stay off the 'roids. I've never met a gorilla who wasn't on them. We would have won the gold in '62 otherwise, dammit!
Anyway, once I rebuild my Sebben & Sebben empire I'll be ready to take on the big leagues. Class action lawsuits, with 1-800 numbers. We'll start off with the zombies. They're clearly terrorists out to destroy our freedom, or the Olympic winter games. We need to build fences, like the ones they put around graveyards to keep their zombies from getting out. If they're continued to be allowed to stagger about wherever they want, soon they'll be demanding more rights, and the next thing we know they'll be paying for those rights with jury duty. Trial results could go in any direction, so if the lawyers don't need to be good then what's the point of terrorizing my employees with the training seminars? Besides boredom. Well, I suppose we could try bribing the undead... what are they always asking for? Brains? Couldn't they ask for a cheaper black market organ, like a kidney? Ha ha! Tijuana back-alley.
Poll Vote!
Character: Inumaru
Series: The Law of Ueki
Character Age: 28
Job: Camp Nurse
Canon: The Law of Ueki, also known as One-Of-The-Most-Ridiculous-Things-Ever, is structured like your stereotypical shounen tournament series. Except the guy running the tournament is God, who's looking to retire, and he's sent 100 Celestials from his world to Earth as candidates for his replacement. Each of the "God Candidates" selects a middle-schooler, who's then given a bizarre ability from their Candidate (such as trash into trees, coins into tornadoes, etc), to compete in God's tournament. The God Candidates them compete their super-powered human prepubescents through beating the ever living snot out of each other to determine who becomes the next God. If the middle-schooler is knocked out, they're disqualified, and so is their Candidate from the running position as God. Inumaru is one of those 100 Celestials competing for God's title!
[Spoilers for episode 22]
Inumaru is a timid, polite worry-wart who's a tad excitable and easy to shock; he's constantly flipping his lid at his castmates, since he's probably one of the only reasonably sane characters of the cast. Inumaru has nothing but the best intentions in this tournament and in his goal to become the next God. He has a strong sense of "justice", which by canon definition basically means being an absolute martyr. This defines Inumaru rather well; he would endanger himself for anyone, friend or stranger. For the sake of his good friend Sano, his chosen power-using middle-schooler, he broke an important rule and sent himself to Hell's Prison to save Sano's life, ending up on Death Row. Even after sending himself to Hell, Inumaru spent his entire imprisonment worrying about Sano and his companions. Despite being a selfless quasi-pacifist, Inumaru will definitely shove when push really comes to shove. His excitable nature speaks a bit for his temper, and when anyone he cares about is in danger, he can unexpectedly pull the rug from under your feet and take the upper hand. ...Also, his canon purpose in life is to be bullied, apparently.
Sample Post:
Ah, well...
The first few days have been surprisingly more demanding than I expected them to be. I understand that I can't argue, given these conditions, since I've been sent on probation by God... But really, I can't help but to feel a little intimidated. After all, I have absolutely no medical training! How am I supposed to take care of these people?! And you, for that matter? I've already seen horrendous examples of injury, and you know, I ...don't have the strongest stomach... I don't know much beyond dressing wounds and helping take care of colds!! When that poor kid came in, it looked like he'd been mauled by something unspeakable! And given what I saw on the way to this camp, that could be anything from those mechanic cows to whatever that was when I passed the lake... Allergies are the least of your worries. Ahh, really, you're lucky that's why you're here! Ah- yes. Take these, please...
Oh, and those rotting people! Ah, forgive me, perhaps that's a little unfair- they may not actually be rotting, but it certainly seems that way... Perhaps they're more like lepers...? Anyway, a few have found their way into my tent more than once! I just don't know what to do with a person who is essentially a giant infection with gaping open wounds! Have you seen them? There's also the complication regarding the fact that they don't respond very well to questions, which makes my job quite difficult. From the constant mantra of "brains", I could only assume they had a headache, but when I offered them water and some pain relief, I think...they actually tried to eat me. I'm still not sure if that's what actually happened... It sounds ridiculous, doesn't it? It must just be my imagination. Eventually, I decided there was nothing I could do, and to, um, save my life, I had to ...e-escort them out.
Ah, but I suppose I should introduce myself. My name is Inumaru, and I'm going to be the camp ground's nurse from now on. I apologize in advance for my lack of experience, but I'll try my hardest to take care of you! So long as you don't try to eat me or otherwise attack me, I can take care of your sicknesses and injuries. Please keep in mind that I'm unfortunately no surgeon, and I wouldn't recommend having an amateur like me try to do anything too complicated. I think reattaching limbs is a little out of my league. That being said, please do your best to take care of yourself and keep yourself in one piece. I think it might be a good idea to stay away from the lake, but--agghh, what sort of advice can I really offer?! This place is insanely unpredictable, and I suppose it's a little unfair and unrealistic of me to ask you to keep your own injuries light...
Regardless, I-I'll... do my very best. Thank you. Your symptoms should clear, with those pills. Please be careful on your way home... A-ah! Wait, that leper with a headache left an arm behind at the door- be careful not to tri--oh no!! Are you okay!?
Poll Vote!
Character: Jade Curtiss
Series: Tales of the Abyss
Character Age: 35 (37 @ endgame)
Job: Moogle-Keeper and Mortuary Assistant
Canon: Tales of the Abyss is the heartwarming story of one spoiled noble brat (Luke fon Fabre) who is unwillingly thrust on a journey to ~save the world~ and ~discover his self worth~. On his quest, Luke is accompanied by a motley crew of companions, one of whom happens to be Jade Curtiss.
A veritable genius, Jade "the Necromancer"* is a top military official, renowned for his tactical skills as well as his talent as a exemplary fonist (mage). A textbook example of the Suspicious Bespectacled Gentleman (scientific name "megane-yandere"), Jade hides everything behind an easy smile and sharp witticisms. As a child he could not understand human emotion or the consequences of life and death, a trait which he has learned to hide but is not completely rid of. At times, he's deliberately cold and harshly pragmatic. Jade is aware that he comes off as obnoxious but greatly enjoys playing up his formidable reputation. Due to being over thirty in a party of young adults, Jade is the obligatory "old fogey" -- and he won't let you forget it. And unfortunately for everyone's sanity, Jade is also a fully qualified medical professional.
*Note: His slightly inaccurate moniker "the Necromancer" comes from his old habit of collecting data from dead soldiers with the intention to clone them. Jade developed the theory behind cloning live beings via "fomicry," a technology developed in order to make "replicas."
Sample Post:
My, my, my. I certainly didn't come in search of a job opportunity, but one can't mitigate the effects of his natural charisma, I suppose. I'd hate to waste your time and mine, so let's cut to the chase shall we? Jade Curtiss, at your service starting today. In general I'm just a Colonel, but I wager the title "Doctor" is more appropriate at this juncture.
I've been informed that these lovely specimens here in your encampment -- moogles, is it? -- are in need of a little assistance. Now, biology isn't my specialty, but it seems they require labour in other ... diverse areas. I've officially been assigned as the resident "Moogle-Keeper," but I believe that title in itself is a bit misleading. These delightful little wonders certainly don't need any herding! Why, I'd say they were more my supervisors than anything. Ha ha, from now on I suppose you'll need to call them "Jade-Herders."
Indeed, you've 'herd' correct -- I have been assigned as an coroner of sorts at their request. It seems they're having a tad bit of trouble collecting the rather heavy bodies of the recently deceased. I've been briefed on the process for reanimating the dead within the confines of this camp, and I have to say I'm very, very impressed. However, without opposable thumbs, preliminary examination for damages and even simple retrieval of the corpse is rather difficult.
Now, while I'm absolutely thrilled to get started, I wouldn't recommend orchestrating your own untimely deaths just for little old Jade's benefit. While reanimation-via-moogle is a very... precise science, I wouldn't be surprised if something went terribly, terribly wrong. Who is to say that you will be yourself after the incident? Say with teleportation, for instance, there exists the theory that your reconstructed self that appears elsewhere is, in fact, a pale reflection. While that would be a sight to see, it would be such a shame to play with human lives as if it were idle entertainment.
My apologies for the stern warning, but children these days... I wouldn't want to be held responsible for anything that would happen. My sense of honesty and conscience would surely get the better of me, and oh, I'm not sure what I would do. I would feel like it was all my fault if an accident were to occur... although, I suppose I could use some practice in dealing with such crises. It'll give me an opportunity to practice those rusty surgical skills of mine, for if an unsuccessful resurrection occurs the desperate remedy is left up to me.
And on that note, I'll be taking volunteers. ♥
You wouldn't want to leave this old man to work all on his own with those so very heavy tasks, would you? These old bones of mine, you know, they're not what they used to be. Why, what would happen if I were to slip and fall alone... you might even need to revive poor old Jade. I couldn't tell you what I'd be like after that.
After all, the new and improved Jade might not be as kind and wonderful as the current one.
Poll Vote!
Character: Mojo Jojo
Series: The Powerpuff Girls
Character Age: Adult! ... For a monkey.
Job: Head of Department of Redundancy Department
Canon: Sugar! Spice! And everything nice! These were the ingredients Professor Utonium used to create the three perfect little girls. ... That, and the toxic Chemical X, which gave them superpowers. Thus, the duty of saving the ridiculously monster infested city of Townsville from destruction came to rest on the shoulders of a trio of kindergartners (the "Powerpuff Girls"), who are more than happy to punch, kick, and bite their way to a safer tomorrow.
Mojo Jojo is Townsville's resident evil monkey, and just one of many villains the Powerpuff Girls regularly beat into a weeping pulp. Mojo's goal is to destroy the girls and take over the world--but he's also a fan of other typical bad guy pursuits, like robbing banks, turning people into dogs, building giant lasers, collecting fine art, sharpening his skills as a hibachi chef, and taking himself way too seriously. Mojo Jojo is prone to long winded speeches (or running narratives, when he's alone) that are not only tedious, but incredibly repetitive. Grumpy, sarcastic, and egotistical, Mojo is a self-proclaimed "bad monkey" who takes pride in his role as a villain. While he's a super genius with a mutated, oversized brain to prove it, he tends to overlook obvious loopholes in his complicated plans. Unfortunately for him, the Powerpuff Girls aren't stupid, and Mojo's exploits most often end in bumps, bruises, and plenty of jail time.
Sample Post:
Greetings, citizens of Camp! I am Mojo Jojo, and this swamp now belongs to me! Which is to say, I own the land on which you are standing, and therefore you must obey me! Mojo Jojo!
Some of you may perhaps be wondering, why meeee? Why heeeere? And other such whiny things! First, I would like to say, quit your complaining! It is pathetic and will get you nowhere! My mind is made up! I have made my decision, and it is final, and there is nothing you can say that will change it! Secondly, completely unrelated to any events involving superheroes and prison whatsoever, I have a few community service hours to take care of, and my therapist suggested that perhaps a visit to the countryside would help my temper.
Now, a little toucan told me that you already have a local villain! But there's nothing wrong with a little unfriendly competition. Not that it can be called a competition when I, Mojo Jojo, am clearly the winner! Your "Director" stands no chance! I am top dog! A veteran! She is just a little baby, crying and sucking her thumb! Mwahahaha!
Listen to my malicious, destructive, and no-good plan! Hear its brilliance for yourself, and know that there is no hope for you! Or you! Or even you! First, I will construct a barrier! An obstacle that makes escaping impossible, inconceivable, and furthermore, right-out! But not just any barrier, because I am not just any evil villain! This barrier will be at the forefront of technology! Yesss, it will be sleek, stylish, and strike when you least expect it! And that is just a bite-sized sample of the dastardly deeds I have in store for this swamp. My blueprints are laminated and filed alphabetically, my vision is perfect, and my schemes will definitely succeed! They cannot fail, for I have planned for this moment extensively, and--
What is this? A delivery? For me? Oh, thank you. "Camp Newsletter"--I like the font they have chosen for the title, that is very aesthetically pleasing. But this monthly announcement to keep the masses informed with informative announcements is NONSENSE! There's already a barrier!? That rotten woman, that was my idea! And purple monkeys!? My fur has a purple-ish tinge, she copied me! The volcano, the evil robot cows, the caves full of scary things that will terrify and grab you--!! No, no, no! There is no way! It is impossible! No one can outsmart Mojo Jojo! --Ha! But she has not anticipated the most evil step in my evilest plan yet! The baddest of bad dudes would wet themselves if it appeared to them in a nightmare, or really bad dream, or some other sleep-related vision! In the depths of the lake, below the annoying splashing and frolicking and infernal laughter of unsuspecting children, I will put a creature so evil, so fast and grabby that--what's this? "The Life and Times of Marcy the Lake Monster, an opinion column by Marcy, the Lake Monster."
... Oh, she's good.
Poll Vote!
Character: Tenebrae
Series: Tales of Symphonia : Dawn of the New World
Character Age: 10,000+
Job: Darkness Counselor
Canon: Tales of Symphonia: Dawn of the New World is the sequel to the successful Gamecube RPG of the same name (minus the subtitle). Set a few years later, it shows the state of the world as our last heroes left it. And it's still a mess- though only a small group on a quest to awaken Ratatosk, the Lord of Monsters, truly know how out of balance things truly are. The group consists of Emil, a young man with no confidence; Marta, a young lady with her heart on her sleeve; and the ever intelligent Centurion Tenebrae. What is a Centurion? They are the vassals of Ratatosk, 'monsters' of sort with their own realms which they are responsible for. Tenebrae's is the realm of Darkness, and thus is responsible for all monsters of that element. However, with the world in its current state, his power over them is rather limited-- so thus he relies on the party to make pacts with monsters to fight alongside them. Of course he is pleased that his own power increases with every darkness elemental monster added to the collection.
Tenebrae himself has a dry wit which he exercises at every opportunity at the expense of those around him. However, he is not simply a trickster, but someone who enjoys antagonizing you behind his gentlemanly exterior. To the party's horror he has a fondness for puns and wordplay and will jump at any opportunity to use them, assuming of course it strikes his own funny bone. Tenebrae is also rather concerned with how he presents himself and how others think of him - he's been known to stew over offhand comments on how stiff he is in personality, bringing it up far after the rest of the party had forgotten all about it. However, he doesn't seem to mind so much about being called spiteful as being called old. Lastly, as the Centurion of Darkness, he considers himself the utmost highest quality of judge one could have in anything regarding Darkness, and will not hesitate to tell you how things rank up- and why Darkness is so magnificent.
Sample Post:
Oh my.
This place is more... rough than I was lead to believe. Regardless, let me apologize for my surprise and introduce myself: I am Tenebrae and you are all more lucky than you have realized. Not anyone can be given advice from the Centurion of Darkness himself after all, and who better to advise those of you whom have intelligently allied themselves with, if I may say, the most elegant and magnificent element. My job is rather broad in scope, but where others may see that as a challenge, I welcome it! It simply allows me to advise you in any possible way, and as I am perhaps the penultimate expert in my field feel free, human or monster alike, to approach me for whatever issues you may have. Perhaps you simply want my judgment on an issue? That will not be a problem, I will not hesitate to declare one to be of superior stock to another, but fear not, it is within every one of you to truly harness the darkness within. That deep warm feeling of depression from your loss can be channeled into victory later, surpassing the previous victor and starting the beautiful chain anew.
But first, let us make it clear that darkness is not the same as 'evil' or 'demonic,' as those are traits held exclusively by the demonic realm. Darkness is not quite so detestable as that; it's wonderful! Nothing else can compare to the feeling of complete darkness... even the taste of the best meal pales in comparison to the element of the unknown in my 'dark stew surprise.' Is it edible? Surely, but each spoonful is a new mystery to unravel. The unknown is used as a spice to create a dish that cannot be replicated. In fact, each time it is made is a new experience! Ahahaha.
It seems I've digressed; now that we have our groundwork laid let me see how you fare so I can decide how best to go about this. ... ... Ahum... I see. Deplorable! This is simply deplorable! As monsters, you simply don't measure up! Those of you that don't look as if you won't last another day are simply not presenting your true strengths! I will give the apes credit where it is due, their color scheme shows that they make an effort to get in the mood- the usual gray/black of their natural coloring is simply dull, but to simply become purple is not an improvement at all! It simply won't do, if you're truly serious about embracing your darkness. To truly accent yourself, simple purple highlights are all that are needed. However, I do not want to see all of you looking the same. Before going out like that, I'd rather dye! Ahahah.
Oh... interesting, you humanoids never cease to amuse. I understand that you were not originally of my element, but I can do nothing but be impressed at the intelligent decision you've made, considering I am not entirely sure how one can think without the upper portions of the head. However, I do have a question: Is there a significance behind such thick white makeup with dark circles around the eyes? Are you performers perhaps? Hmm? What? What?! No, absolutely not! You could not be more wrong! Dressing like a silent clown does not bring you closer to the darkness at all! I do not understand why you would ever think such a thing! A true vampire or witch doesn't need to sparkle in the light and wouldn't be caught wearing all those chains- it's simply blasphemous! You can call it all you want... 'gothic', I'll mock it. 'Wiccan'? Should be tossed in a bin. You aren't 'dark' at all, you're 'dork'! Mmhmhmhm... hmmaahahaha....ahehmm. Get it? They all rhyme! No?
It seems my job here is even harder than I thought, beyond a shadow of a doubt! Oh, I kill myself sometimes...
Poll Vote!
Remember!
- Applicants, respond anonymously.
- If you're going to do the whole "ask me why I voted you out!" thing, please state who you voted out.
- No speculating about the identity of the applicants!
Now VOTE. Closed!
Character Name: Kumar Patel
Series: Harold and Kumar series
Age: 22
Job: Camp Nurse
Canon: Harold and Kumar are two college graduates in pursuit of the American dream-To get really, really high on life, and pot. When the munchies hit them, they decide to head to White Castle and start on an adventure that takes them through the weirder side of New Jersey. The insanity hits nine different levels once they end up riding a baked cheetah and singing along to Hold On. In their second adventure, Harold and Kumar are on the lam when they escape Guantanmo Bay after their bong is mistaken as a bomb on a plane. Naturally, they smoke more than a few joints along the way, even with their good buddy, President Bush.
The opposite of his straight-laced best friend, Kumar is laid-back and uninhibited, even before he takes a hit. He's rarely taken by surprise and is willing to go along with any bit of insanity he finds. Though, he's usually the instigator rather than the other way around. Living by his own rules, Kumar tends to cause a lot of grief for anyone around him without realizing it. He isn't completely irredeemable, however. Kumar is highly intelligent, easily capable of performing surgery with amazing marks in school, along with being outspoken and ready to fight anyone for what he believes in which is his freedom of speech, freedom to protest, and right to be completely baked more than anything else.
Note: Harold's real name is Roldy. Don't be confused by the title of the films.
Sample Entry:
Alright, I'm over this. I can deal with the whole, "Oh, no! Oh, no! We're trapped, and this vine is touching me in places a girl has never touched me, oh god!" I mean, that plant had a very gentle touch, just saying. Seriously, this place is a fast-food joint short of paradise if you look at it right. Yeah, all the chicks are from like cartoons that would only give some nerd a boner, but do you see how much clothes they aren't wearing? Haha, Asian fever, here I come! And it may not be a KFC, but an unlimited supply of food at any hour of the day? Haha, yeahhh. . . But, seriously, if you're going to have that kind of service, then you need to create a demand. And how else are you going to create a demand? But with weed. Besides, there is no way someone could get through half of this shit without being blown out of their mind. Come on, who doesn't think the director is taking more than a few hits? -Yeah, that's what I thought.
And, by the way, whoever thought the whole male nurse gag was funny? Yeah, let's give some random Indian guy the job, because they're all doctors anyway~! That's not funny, asshole; that's racism. Not to mention, you are completely ruining the sacred image of a luscious woman in a nurse outfit gently tending to your wounds and every need. These people are in a hospital; they're already in pain. Do something to help them. And, hey, if you really need the help? With, you know, some of these over-eighteen girls? You know where to find me. Just make sure to throw Doctor in front of my name, not RN. That is not how you give a man some dignity. You help me, I help you, okay? Okay. Until then, I taught the hairy chick that was all over me how to tie a splint, so she can cover for you guys. Because there's no way some kids in some puny-ass summer camp on a bad trip is going to get hurt much worse than that. So, you're welcome, but you should definitely get on finding someone who is actually qualified for the job. You know, someone with some curves. After fixing this whole no-pot situation, of course. . .
-Wait, wait! That distinctive serrate leaf pattern and slightly sweet odor. . . Dude, haha, that's genius! Cross-breeding cannabis with the Trema orientalis of the same family to disguise it not growing in its usual bush-like form. It may weaken the hit, but there's no way anyone will steal your stash! Oh man, I really gotta give the guy who thought this up some credit. The underwear is a very nice touch , too. -Aw, crap, that creepy chick is back again. They invented wax for a reason, ugh. God, she better not look up here. I am not getting man-handled by some chick with leathery ass hands while I am smoking a bowl. She'd probably break the damn tree. Hello, Weight Watchers. Oh, oh, shit! No, don't come up here! You stupid bitch-Fuck!>
No. . . No! Goddamnit! I told you not to come up! You killed it-You fucking killed the only source of pot in this whole place! Now, what am I supposed to do? That poor tree. . . Just trying to bring joy and happiness to us all, but it's life was cut short. Shh, it's okay, it's okay. I won't forget you. -Could you stop crying already? Something beautiful has died; show some respect. Oh, boo-hoo, I'm on fire~ Save me, Kumar~ Okay, okay! I put out the fire, but you still have some burns that need to be sterilized. So, you have to go back to the hospital. I'll just wrap it up until you can get back. I just need a. . . Damn, where did Roldy go? I need his fucking shirt.
Poll Vote!
Character: Harold Lee
Series: Harold and Kumar series
Character Age: 22
Job: Personal Assistant to Marcy
Canon: The Harold and Kumar series revolves around the two pot-smoking titular characters and their epic comedic adventures. In the first movie, Harold and Kumar get a craving for White Castle burgers after watching a TV commercial, and the two embark on a quest, ending up in a bunch of hilarious misadventures that include extremely extreme sports punks, getting stuck in a toilet cubicle between two women playing "Battleshits", riding a cheetah while high, impromptu hang-gliding, and Neil Patrick Harris. The fun doesn't stop there! Misadventures in the second movie include being mistaken as terrorists, being told to eat cockmeat, crashing a bottomless party (instead of a topless one), smoking pot with George W. Bush, hookers, and Neil Patrick Harris. As you can tell, Harold and Kumar are a classy pair.
Entry level investment banker Harold Lee is the straight-laced (okay, maybe not so straight-laced, considering that he's a stoner), long-suffering best friend and roommate of Kumar. He's fully socially functional, but because he can be a bit of a push-over and puts up with a lot of bullshit, Harold is an easy target for getting bullied into situations by others, be it dickish co-workers, fellow Asian nerds, or his own best friend. To make up for it, he swears a lot and can be passive-aggressive. Okay, so he can be described as suppressed. When he gets mad, though, Harold does an impressive job of flipping out.
Sample Post:
So, here I am, at Camp Fuck U Die. With the beautiful trees... the glowing lake... the moon with an actual face... and the fucking legion of the undead!! What the fuck is this?! There are so many things wrong with this entire situation! Summer camp? That's obviously a lie, because it's winter and half the kids who hang out here look older than me. All right... all right. I'm cool. It's cool. Things will be fine. Never mind I'm just been told I'm now the fucking PA of what looks like a tentacle monster from a B movie, that gorillas touched my balls, that I was forced into a maid costume, that Kumar stole my cell phone and then ran off somewhere. Never mind that that toucan over there stole my fucking wallet. ...
You know what? Scratch that. I mind. Everything I've just said? I MIND! I didn't need to have gorillas touching me in places I don't even let hookers- Okay, I'm sure they are very nice classy ladies but that's not the point, they do not touch me there either! I didn't even sign up for this job. I've got a proper one back at home that I still need to get back to. Besides, kidnapping is illegal! And what the fuck does a giant cephalopod need a personal assistant for, anyway?! Okay, Harold. You're not going to get any answers like that. Just find Kumar, and get out of here. Maybe if I run for it... No, no, wait. Bad end. I've seen those gorillas riding unicorns, and boy do they ride fast. They'll catch up with me in no time. And anyway I don't think I ever want to see anything like that ever again in my life. Maybe... if I play nice, smile and go along with it, I can figure out a way to escape. And if I do my job well, like really well, I can get on Marcy's good side, and ask her about the place, find Kumar, and get the hell back home. Yes! This is a great idea! So let's very logically start off by taking a look at the to-do list I was given.
- Find young nubile boys
- Answer Match.com emails
- Print and file details on all possible mates
- Answer mating calls
- Ensure level of toxicity in lake is agreeable with Mar-
... You know what? I... I can't do this if I keep reading. I am just going to look at the first task for now, and take things one step at a time. So... Any of you guys here interested in... waterspor- no wait that was a really bad way of putting it. I meant- fun with... an aquatic animal? I'm just asking, because it is my job. And I am doing my job, like a good worker. You do not have to say yes. Please, do not say yes.
Poll Vote!
Character: Kurenai Otoya
Series: Kamen Rider Kiva
Age: 24
Job: Violin Coach
Canon: Kamen Rider Kiva is a tokusatsu show involving plastic suits and rubber monsters. The plot for this series is unusual because it runs on two timelines that are connected via the characters themselves. For instance, the main character, Kurenai Wataru, is introduced in the year 2008. Shy and unable to say no to people, it's almost hard to believe that he is, in fact, Kamen Rider Kiva; the warrior who fights against fangires and protects humanity. And what are fangires exactly? Monsters that have two forms; the first being a human form and the second being that of a stained glass vampire that feeds upon human life energy.
Now let's backtrack to the year 1986. Fangires are running loose even back then, but there is no Kiva to protect humanity. Instead there is a group called the Wonderful Blue Sky Organization. And representing this group is a warrior called Ixa. One of the users of Ixa is called Kurenai Otoya. This man is called a "once in a millennium" genius violin player; he theorizes that all humans are music and believes that he can hear the sound of their souls. There are many who fall for his charm and good looks; this is because he is a smooth talker, often waxing poetic when wooing women, as well as self assured and confident. He hates those that get in his way and has an ego the size of the sun. He also has an absolutely ridiculous side; as in, hilarity often ensues when he's around. Whether by someone else beating him up or him goofing up all on his own. Though this is the case, he also has a serious side that comes out when those he loves are in danger. Other than that, he is absolutely fabulous and he will let you know it.
Sample Entry:
The great Kurenai Otoya has entered this camp. Please don't hesitate to bow and bask in my presence. I know that it must move you to see such elegance, such style, such grace! Ah, you there. Yes, you with the badly manicured nails. Tell me the official name of this place, if you will-- What's this? Camp For Useless Dummies? That must be wrong. Kurenai Otoya is neither useless nor a dummy. Kurenai Otoya is a magnificent man who is a once in a millennium genius. Truly there is no one greater than I.
Oh? You want to know why I have decided to set foot on this land? Very well, I'll tell you. I have come here to be a violin instructor to any and all women in this camp. Men have no need to apply; with the exception of me, they are unruly brutes, the lot of them. They have no sense in dealing with the fairer sex. No, clearly all women are for me and me alone. Men who get in the way are simply fools, for their music is nothing compared to the alluring marvel of a woman's heart. Ah, I can hear it now; the beat beneath their breast, the fluttering notes of their voices. It's an absolute art that only I can understand the sound of their souls.
How do I do such a thing? Must you ask? It is because I am Kurenai Otoya. That and that alone is reason enough. Surely you have heard of me. My reputation is known far and wide. I am the bird to the bees; a star in the world of both women and violi-- really, I must tell you to keep your distance. I know how hard it is to resist such a man as I, but I dislike men. And handing me that heart of yours won't win you a place in my heart. Also, asking for my hand in marriage is unthinkable for I, Kurenai Otoya, hate engagements most of all. Also, doing it in such a way . . . must you really detach your hand from your wrist like that? I'm sure there are those who believe that to be quite a feat, but I see it as nothing more than a parlor trick.
Really, even I can do such a thing. Oh? You want to see? Well then, I'm sorry to disappoint you, but the fabulous Kurenai Otoya answers to no one but himself~ However, I will make an exception for that lady friend of yours. Will you allow me to hear the delicate sonata of your name? Burghargh? Ah, what a truly a beautiful name. Here, allow me to play you a song. It will leave you with something more precious than the world itself for my music is that of the heavens. Now listen well for this performance will be like no other. I will grace you with its sound once and only once and thus the name Kurenai Otoya will be embedded in your heart forevermore~
Poll Vote!
Character: Phil Ken Sebben
Series: Harvey Birdman: Attorney at Law
Character Age: 41 (assuming he was lying about some of the other ages he gave)
Job: Lawyer/Dinosaur-hunting Guide.
Canon: Ever wonder what would happen if the Hanna-Barbera cartoon characters you knew as a kid were thrown into a surreal adult comedy setting? Well, they'd get arrested a lot, which is where Phil Ken Sebben comes in to make a profit off of the situation; whether it be Shaggy and Scooby Doo cuffed for suspected marijuana use, or Dr. Quest being sued by his same-sex partner for custody of their boys (whatever their names were).
Phil is the boss of the odd team of lawyers who take on those cases, some of them retired superheroes. He spends his time counting money, harassing (sexually or otherwise) his employees, telling everyone to get in here, knocking back shots, hitting on Birdgirl who doesn't resemble his daughter at all why would you even say that you're just jealous, fourth-walling with Stephen Colbert, and failing at depth perception. He dominates conversations with detached tl;dr that exposes his cruel frugality, interrupting himself occasionally to laugh at his own double-entendres. He's not always an abusive dictator: sometimes he will worship the ground you walk on... especially if you're really hot (i.e. girls with eyepatches, Latinos, close relatives, etc.). There's just no middle-ground with Phil.
Sample Post:
Attention all campers. After I finished fighting penguins all afternoon I finally realized this was neither Los Angeles nor Prehistoria. Maybe it's Canada. Or New Jersey. Anyway, that only means I need a new law office. I'll just commandeer one of the cabins. Throw out the furniture, rip out the air conditioning, convert the bathroom into a panic room with a minibar, add a few statues and paintings of myself, and it'll be looking classier than ever! Never mind the campers already living in it. If they don't clear out once the furniture is stripped, I'll find some work in the office for them. Child labor is cheap! Those sweat shops out east really know how to run a business.
Once that's done I'll be needing some lawyers and clients. Child labor and 3-hour-diplomas might take care of the first, but the other one might take some time. I think I saw Grape Ape around here. Several times, and several times at the same time, sometimes. He's still looking for an appeal, right? I know apes, they can't stay off the 'roids. I've never met a gorilla who wasn't on them. We would have won the gold in '62 otherwise, dammit!
Anyway, once I rebuild my Sebben & Sebben empire I'll be ready to take on the big leagues. Class action lawsuits, with 1-800 numbers. We'll start off with the zombies. They're clearly terrorists out to destroy our freedom, or the Olympic winter games. We need to build fences, like the ones they put around graveyards to keep their zombies from getting out. If they're continued to be allowed to stagger about wherever they want, soon they'll be demanding more rights, and the next thing we know they'll be paying for those rights with jury duty. Trial results could go in any direction, so if the lawyers don't need to be good then what's the point of terrorizing my employees with the training seminars? Besides boredom. Well, I suppose we could try bribing the undead... what are they always asking for? Brains? Couldn't they ask for a cheaper black market organ, like a kidney? Ha ha! Tijuana back-alley.
Poll Vote!
Character: Inumaru
Series: The Law of Ueki
Character Age: 28
Job: Camp Nurse
Canon: The Law of Ueki, also known as One-Of-The-Most-Ridiculous-Things-Ever, is structured like your stereotypical shounen tournament series. Except the guy running the tournament is God, who's looking to retire, and he's sent 100 Celestials from his world to Earth as candidates for his replacement. Each of the "God Candidates" selects a middle-schooler, who's then given a bizarre ability from their Candidate (such as trash into trees, coins into tornadoes, etc), to compete in God's tournament. The God Candidates them compete their super-powered human prepubescents through beating the ever living snot out of each other to determine who becomes the next God. If the middle-schooler is knocked out, they're disqualified, and so is their Candidate from the running position as God. Inumaru is one of those 100 Celestials competing for God's title!
[Spoilers for episode 22]
Inumaru is a timid, polite worry-wart who's a tad excitable and easy to shock; he's constantly flipping his lid at his castmates, since he's probably one of the only reasonably sane characters of the cast. Inumaru has nothing but the best intentions in this tournament and in his goal to become the next God. He has a strong sense of "justice", which by canon definition basically means being an absolute martyr. This defines Inumaru rather well; he would endanger himself for anyone, friend or stranger. For the sake of his good friend Sano, his chosen power-using middle-schooler, he broke an important rule and sent himself to Hell's Prison to save Sano's life, ending up on Death Row. Even after sending himself to Hell, Inumaru spent his entire imprisonment worrying about Sano and his companions. Despite being a selfless quasi-pacifist, Inumaru will definitely shove when push really comes to shove. His excitable nature speaks a bit for his temper, and when anyone he cares about is in danger, he can unexpectedly pull the rug from under your feet and take the upper hand. ...Also, his canon purpose in life is to be bullied, apparently.
Sample Post:
Ah, well...
The first few days have been surprisingly more demanding than I expected them to be. I understand that I can't argue, given these conditions, since I've been sent on probation by God... But really, I can't help but to feel a little intimidated. After all, I have absolutely no medical training! How am I supposed to take care of these people?! And you, for that matter? I've already seen horrendous examples of injury, and you know, I ...don't have the strongest stomach... I don't know much beyond dressing wounds and helping take care of colds!! When that poor kid came in, it looked like he'd been mauled by something unspeakable! And given what I saw on the way to this camp, that could be anything from those mechanic cows to whatever that was when I passed the lake... Allergies are the least of your worries. Ahh, really, you're lucky that's why you're here! Ah- yes. Take these, please...
Oh, and those rotting people! Ah, forgive me, perhaps that's a little unfair- they may not actually be rotting, but it certainly seems that way... Perhaps they're more like lepers...? Anyway, a few have found their way into my tent more than once! I just don't know what to do with a person who is essentially a giant infection with gaping open wounds! Have you seen them? There's also the complication regarding the fact that they don't respond very well to questions, which makes my job quite difficult. From the constant mantra of "brains", I could only assume they had a headache, but when I offered them water and some pain relief, I think...they actually tried to eat me. I'm still not sure if that's what actually happened... It sounds ridiculous, doesn't it? It must just be my imagination. Eventually, I decided there was nothing I could do, and to, um, save my life, I had to ...e-escort them out.
Ah, but I suppose I should introduce myself. My name is Inumaru, and I'm going to be the camp ground's nurse from now on. I apologize in advance for my lack of experience, but I'll try my hardest to take care of you! So long as you don't try to eat me or otherwise attack me, I can take care of your sicknesses and injuries. Please keep in mind that I'm unfortunately no surgeon, and I wouldn't recommend having an amateur like me try to do anything too complicated. I think reattaching limbs is a little out of my league. That being said, please do your best to take care of yourself and keep yourself in one piece. I think it might be a good idea to stay away from the lake, but--agghh, what sort of advice can I really offer?! This place is insanely unpredictable, and I suppose it's a little unfair and unrealistic of me to ask you to keep your own injuries light...
Regardless, I-I'll... do my very best. Thank you. Your symptoms should clear, with those pills. Please be careful on your way home... A-ah! Wait, that leper with a headache left an arm behind at the door- be careful not to tri--oh no!! Are you okay!?
Poll Vote!
Character: Jade Curtiss
Series: Tales of the Abyss
Character Age: 35 (37 @ endgame)
Job: Moogle-Keeper and Mortuary Assistant
Canon: Tales of the Abyss is the heartwarming story of one spoiled noble brat (Luke fon Fabre) who is unwillingly thrust on a journey to ~save the world~ and ~discover his self worth~. On his quest, Luke is accompanied by a motley crew of companions, one of whom happens to be Jade Curtiss.
A veritable genius, Jade "the Necromancer"* is a top military official, renowned for his tactical skills as well as his talent as a exemplary fonist (mage). A textbook example of the Suspicious Bespectacled Gentleman (scientific name "megane-yandere"), Jade hides everything behind an easy smile and sharp witticisms. As a child he could not understand human emotion or the consequences of life and death, a trait which he has learned to hide but is not completely rid of. At times, he's deliberately cold and harshly pragmatic. Jade is aware that he comes off as obnoxious but greatly enjoys playing up his formidable reputation. Due to being over thirty in a party of young adults, Jade is the obligatory "old fogey" -- and he won't let you forget it. And unfortunately for everyone's sanity, Jade is also a fully qualified medical professional.
*Note: His slightly inaccurate moniker "the Necromancer" comes from his old habit of collecting data from dead soldiers with the intention to clone them. Jade developed the theory behind cloning live beings via "fomicry," a technology developed in order to make "replicas."
Sample Post:
My, my, my. I certainly didn't come in search of a job opportunity, but one can't mitigate the effects of his natural charisma, I suppose. I'd hate to waste your time and mine, so let's cut to the chase shall we? Jade Curtiss, at your service starting today. In general I'm just a Colonel, but I wager the title "Doctor" is more appropriate at this juncture.
I've been informed that these lovely specimens here in your encampment -- moogles, is it? -- are in need of a little assistance. Now, biology isn't my specialty, but it seems they require labour in other ... diverse areas. I've officially been assigned as the resident "Moogle-Keeper," but I believe that title in itself is a bit misleading. These delightful little wonders certainly don't need any herding! Why, I'd say they were more my supervisors than anything. Ha ha, from now on I suppose you'll need to call them "Jade-Herders."
Indeed, you've 'herd' correct -- I have been assigned as an coroner of sorts at their request. It seems they're having a tad bit of trouble collecting the rather heavy bodies of the recently deceased. I've been briefed on the process for reanimating the dead within the confines of this camp, and I have to say I'm very, very impressed. However, without opposable thumbs, preliminary examination for damages and even simple retrieval of the corpse is rather difficult.
Now, while I'm absolutely thrilled to get started, I wouldn't recommend orchestrating your own untimely deaths just for little old Jade's benefit. While reanimation-via-moogle is a very... precise science, I wouldn't be surprised if something went terribly, terribly wrong. Who is to say that you will be yourself after the incident? Say with teleportation, for instance, there exists the theory that your reconstructed self that appears elsewhere is, in fact, a pale reflection. While that would be a sight to see, it would be such a shame to play with human lives as if it were idle entertainment.
My apologies for the stern warning, but children these days... I wouldn't want to be held responsible for anything that would happen. My sense of honesty and conscience would surely get the better of me, and oh, I'm not sure what I would do. I would feel like it was all my fault if an accident were to occur... although, I suppose I could use some practice in dealing with such crises. It'll give me an opportunity to practice those rusty surgical skills of mine, for if an unsuccessful resurrection occurs the desperate remedy is left up to me.
And on that note, I'll be taking volunteers. ♥
You wouldn't want to leave this old man to work all on his own with those so very heavy tasks, would you? These old bones of mine, you know, they're not what they used to be. Why, what would happen if I were to slip and fall alone... you might even need to revive poor old Jade. I couldn't tell you what I'd be like after that.
After all, the new and improved Jade might not be as kind and wonderful as the current one.
Poll Vote!
Character: Mojo Jojo
Series: The Powerpuff Girls
Character Age: Adult! ... For a monkey.
Job: Head of Department of Redundancy Department
Canon: Sugar! Spice! And everything nice! These were the ingredients Professor Utonium used to create the three perfect little girls. ... That, and the toxic Chemical X, which gave them superpowers. Thus, the duty of saving the ridiculously monster infested city of Townsville from destruction came to rest on the shoulders of a trio of kindergartners (the "Powerpuff Girls"), who are more than happy to punch, kick, and bite their way to a safer tomorrow.
Mojo Jojo is Townsville's resident evil monkey, and just one of many villains the Powerpuff Girls regularly beat into a weeping pulp. Mojo's goal is to destroy the girls and take over the world--but he's also a fan of other typical bad guy pursuits, like robbing banks, turning people into dogs, building giant lasers, collecting fine art, sharpening his skills as a hibachi chef, and taking himself way too seriously. Mojo Jojo is prone to long winded speeches (or running narratives, when he's alone) that are not only tedious, but incredibly repetitive. Grumpy, sarcastic, and egotistical, Mojo is a self-proclaimed "bad monkey" who takes pride in his role as a villain. While he's a super genius with a mutated, oversized brain to prove it, he tends to overlook obvious loopholes in his complicated plans. Unfortunately for him, the Powerpuff Girls aren't stupid, and Mojo's exploits most often end in bumps, bruises, and plenty of jail time.
Sample Post:
Greetings, citizens of Camp! I am Mojo Jojo, and this swamp now belongs to me! Which is to say, I own the land on which you are standing, and therefore you must obey me! Mojo Jojo!
Some of you may perhaps be wondering, why meeee? Why heeeere? And other such whiny things! First, I would like to say, quit your complaining! It is pathetic and will get you nowhere! My mind is made up! I have made my decision, and it is final, and there is nothing you can say that will change it! Secondly, completely unrelated to any events involving superheroes and prison whatsoever, I have a few community service hours to take care of, and my therapist suggested that perhaps a visit to the countryside would help my temper.
Now, a little toucan told me that you already have a local villain! But there's nothing wrong with a little unfriendly competition. Not that it can be called a competition when I, Mojo Jojo, am clearly the winner! Your "Director" stands no chance! I am top dog! A veteran! She is just a little baby, crying and sucking her thumb! Mwahahaha!
Listen to my malicious, destructive, and no-good plan! Hear its brilliance for yourself, and know that there is no hope for you! Or you! Or even you! First, I will construct a barrier! An obstacle that makes escaping impossible, inconceivable, and furthermore, right-out! But not just any barrier, because I am not just any evil villain! This barrier will be at the forefront of technology! Yesss, it will be sleek, stylish, and strike when you least expect it! And that is just a bite-sized sample of the dastardly deeds I have in store for this swamp. My blueprints are laminated and filed alphabetically, my vision is perfect, and my schemes will definitely succeed! They cannot fail, for I have planned for this moment extensively, and--
What is this? A delivery? For me? Oh, thank you. "Camp Newsletter"--I like the font they have chosen for the title, that is very aesthetically pleasing. But this monthly announcement to keep the masses informed with informative announcements is NONSENSE! There's already a barrier!? That rotten woman, that was my idea! And purple monkeys!? My fur has a purple-ish tinge, she copied me! The volcano, the evil robot cows, the caves full of scary things that will terrify and grab you--!! No, no, no! There is no way! It is impossible! No one can outsmart Mojo Jojo! --Ha! But she has not anticipated the most evil step in my evilest plan yet! The baddest of bad dudes would wet themselves if it appeared to them in a nightmare, or really bad dream, or some other sleep-related vision! In the depths of the lake, below the annoying splashing and frolicking and infernal laughter of unsuspecting children, I will put a creature so evil, so fast and grabby that--what's this? "The Life and Times of Marcy the Lake Monster, an opinion column by Marcy, the Lake Monster."
... Oh, she's good.
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Character: Tenebrae
Series: Tales of Symphonia : Dawn of the New World
Character Age: 10,000+
Job: Darkness Counselor
Canon: Tales of Symphonia: Dawn of the New World is the sequel to the successful Gamecube RPG of the same name (minus the subtitle). Set a few years later, it shows the state of the world as our last heroes left it. And it's still a mess- though only a small group on a quest to awaken Ratatosk, the Lord of Monsters, truly know how out of balance things truly are. The group consists of Emil, a young man with no confidence; Marta, a young lady with her heart on her sleeve; and the ever intelligent Centurion Tenebrae. What is a Centurion? They are the vassals of Ratatosk, 'monsters' of sort with their own realms which they are responsible for. Tenebrae's is the realm of Darkness, and thus is responsible for all monsters of that element. However, with the world in its current state, his power over them is rather limited-- so thus he relies on the party to make pacts with monsters to fight alongside them. Of course he is pleased that his own power increases with every darkness elemental monster added to the collection.
Tenebrae himself has a dry wit which he exercises at every opportunity at the expense of those around him. However, he is not simply a trickster, but someone who enjoys antagonizing you behind his gentlemanly exterior. To the party's horror he has a fondness for puns and wordplay and will jump at any opportunity to use them, assuming of course it strikes his own funny bone. Tenebrae is also rather concerned with how he presents himself and how others think of him - he's been known to stew over offhand comments on how stiff he is in personality, bringing it up far after the rest of the party had forgotten all about it. However, he doesn't seem to mind so much about being called spiteful as being called old. Lastly, as the Centurion of Darkness, he considers himself the utmost highest quality of judge one could have in anything regarding Darkness, and will not hesitate to tell you how things rank up- and why Darkness is so magnificent.
Sample Post:
Oh my.
This place is more... rough than I was lead to believe. Regardless, let me apologize for my surprise and introduce myself: I am Tenebrae and you are all more lucky than you have realized. Not anyone can be given advice from the Centurion of Darkness himself after all, and who better to advise those of you whom have intelligently allied themselves with, if I may say, the most elegant and magnificent element. My job is rather broad in scope, but where others may see that as a challenge, I welcome it! It simply allows me to advise you in any possible way, and as I am perhaps the penultimate expert in my field feel free, human or monster alike, to approach me for whatever issues you may have. Perhaps you simply want my judgment on an issue? That will not be a problem, I will not hesitate to declare one to be of superior stock to another, but fear not, it is within every one of you to truly harness the darkness within. That deep warm feeling of depression from your loss can be channeled into victory later, surpassing the previous victor and starting the beautiful chain anew.
But first, let us make it clear that darkness is not the same as 'evil' or 'demonic,' as those are traits held exclusively by the demonic realm. Darkness is not quite so detestable as that; it's wonderful! Nothing else can compare to the feeling of complete darkness... even the taste of the best meal pales in comparison to the element of the unknown in my 'dark stew surprise.' Is it edible? Surely, but each spoonful is a new mystery to unravel. The unknown is used as a spice to create a dish that cannot be replicated. In fact, each time it is made is a new experience! Ahahaha.
It seems I've digressed; now that we have our groundwork laid let me see how you fare so I can decide how best to go about this. ... ... Ahum... I see. Deplorable! This is simply deplorable! As monsters, you simply don't measure up! Those of you that don't look as if you won't last another day are simply not presenting your true strengths! I will give the apes credit where it is due, their color scheme shows that they make an effort to get in the mood- the usual gray/black of their natural coloring is simply dull, but to simply become purple is not an improvement at all! It simply won't do, if you're truly serious about embracing your darkness. To truly accent yourself, simple purple highlights are all that are needed. However, I do not want to see all of you looking the same. Before going out like that, I'd rather dye! Ahahah.
Oh... interesting, you humanoids never cease to amuse. I understand that you were not originally of my element, but I can do nothing but be impressed at the intelligent decision you've made, considering I am not entirely sure how one can think without the upper portions of the head. However, I do have a question: Is there a significance behind such thick white makeup with dark circles around the eyes? Are you performers perhaps? Hmm? What? What?! No, absolutely not! You could not be more wrong! Dressing like a silent clown does not bring you closer to the darkness at all! I do not understand why you would ever think such a thing! A true vampire or witch doesn't need to sparkle in the light and wouldn't be caught wearing all those chains- it's simply blasphemous! You can call it all you want... 'gothic', I'll mock it. 'Wiccan'? Should be tossed in a bin. You aren't 'dark' at all, you're 'dork'! Mmhmhmhm... hmmaahahaha....ahehmm. Get it? They all rhyme! No?
It seems my job here is even harder than I thought, beyond a shadow of a doubt! Oh, I kill myself sometimes...
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