Social Commentary #2: University
As explained in this post, we have to write three social commentaries for Dr. Jackson's class. Here's my second, about the educational merits of a certain Bonaventure holiday.
What I Learned in College
Nearly every university sells itself on the claim that it will prepare you for “the real world,” but I think ours does it the best.
Each year, the weekend before the last week of classes, St. Bonaventure University holds a sort of three-day clinic, a simulation of “the real world” to help teach its students, especially its outgoing seniors, how to deal with its trials and tribulations.
This year’s Spring Weekend proved especially helpful, so I thought I’d share some of the things I learned during what the shirts are calling Spring Weekend 2010.
1. Declaring a free t-shirt giveaway implies that one is also declaring martial law. Punching, kicking, shoving, stomping, smashing of furniture, and stampedes all become viable modes of securing your prize. See also: Reilly Center pre-season basketball pep rallies.
2. Inflatable carnival games, rock walls, and cotton candy machines are everywhere. Most of these things are free, but some will cost you a ticket. How much is a ticket worth? Some portion of the four swipes you gave up for your meal bracelet. How much is that worth? Don’t worry about it.
3. It is acceptable to pregame for sunrise. It is expected to be drunk by 2 in the afternoon.
4. If you’re very drunk while playing sports, safety equipment such as helmets and pads are optional.
5. Finals at 8 a.m. on a Saturday are a crime against humanity. Yelling in dorm hallways in attempts to wake up an entire building’s worth of students at 8 a.m. on a Saturday, however, is acceptable as long as you are informing them that they should “get up and drink because it’s Spring Weekend.”
6. Pointing out the date is like a get out of jail free card. “But it’s Spring Weekend” is a viable defense against any moral, ethical, or legal accusation.
7. Hand out commemorative memorabilia whenever possible - even if it’s just an ugly pair of sunglasses. This is especially true if your event is designed to be part of a three-day blackout.
8. The best way to organize a sporting event is to get all participants belligerent drunk and neglect to hire any sort of officials. All rules questions will be resolved quickly, peacefully, and satisfactorily. For questions regarding safety equipment, see Rule 4.
9. For health purposes, mass public drinking should be accompanied with fried food and cookies served in a tent. Be sure to provide lots of Mountain Dew, Pepsi, and Diet Pepsi to keep people hydrated.
10. If it is watertight, it can hold alcohol. If it is not watertight, apply duct tape liberally.
With this new set of Ten Commandments handed down from on high in the Enchanted Mountains, any student will be ready to face the world with a set of healthy and realistic expectations for what he or she will meet there.
What I Learned in College
Nearly every university sells itself on the claim that it will prepare you for “the real world,” but I think ours does it the best.
Each year, the weekend before the last week of classes, St. Bonaventure University holds a sort of three-day clinic, a simulation of “the real world” to help teach its students, especially its outgoing seniors, how to deal with its trials and tribulations.
This year’s Spring Weekend proved especially helpful, so I thought I’d share some of the things I learned during what the shirts are calling Spring Weekend 2010.
1. Declaring a free t-shirt giveaway implies that one is also declaring martial law. Punching, kicking, shoving, stomping, smashing of furniture, and stampedes all become viable modes of securing your prize. See also: Reilly Center pre-season basketball pep rallies.
2. Inflatable carnival games, rock walls, and cotton candy machines are everywhere. Most of these things are free, but some will cost you a ticket. How much is a ticket worth? Some portion of the four swipes you gave up for your meal bracelet. How much is that worth? Don’t worry about it.
3. It is acceptable to pregame for sunrise. It is expected to be drunk by 2 in the afternoon.
4. If you’re very drunk while playing sports, safety equipment such as helmets and pads are optional.
5. Finals at 8 a.m. on a Saturday are a crime against humanity. Yelling in dorm hallways in attempts to wake up an entire building’s worth of students at 8 a.m. on a Saturday, however, is acceptable as long as you are informing them that they should “get up and drink because it’s Spring Weekend.”
6. Pointing out the date is like a get out of jail free card. “But it’s Spring Weekend” is a viable defense against any moral, ethical, or legal accusation.
7. Hand out commemorative memorabilia whenever possible - even if it’s just an ugly pair of sunglasses. This is especially true if your event is designed to be part of a three-day blackout.
8. The best way to organize a sporting event is to get all participants belligerent drunk and neglect to hire any sort of officials. All rules questions will be resolved quickly, peacefully, and satisfactorily. For questions regarding safety equipment, see Rule 4.
9. For health purposes, mass public drinking should be accompanied with fried food and cookies served in a tent. Be sure to provide lots of Mountain Dew, Pepsi, and Diet Pepsi to keep people hydrated.
10. If it is watertight, it can hold alcohol. If it is not watertight, apply duct tape liberally.
With this new set of Ten Commandments handed down from on high in the Enchanted Mountains, any student will be ready to face the world with a set of healthy and realistic expectations for what he or she will meet there.