Commentary #3: TV
You know the drill. This one's on Jersey Shore.
A Brief History
No one knows exactly when the pilgrimages started. It may be written in some history book somewhere, but history books are even rarer than those who know how to read them.
Let me tell you what I know.
No earlier than the beginning of the 21st century, Americans began making pilgrimages to Na’nao-cheef, also called Jägeropolis, which was then known as “the Jersey Shore.” Americans were the first to recognize the high concentration of paragons of virtue and intellect in this area. We believe people travelled by the thousands to observe these exemplars’ actions in hopes of achieving a deeper understanding of the workings of greatness.
Parents brought their children. Husbands brought their wives. Everyone brought their wallets. Part of the pilgrimage custom, as I am sure you are well aware, was that in exchange for viewing the venerable behavior of the Great Old Ones (Jolie, Vinny, Sweetheart, Ronnie, DJ Pauly D, Snooki, The Situation, and JWoww) - peace be upon them - the pilgrims would throw vast amounts of money at them. If cash was not readily available, power bars, muscle milk, HGH, bottles of spray-on tan, plastic surgery coupons, and Jägermeister were also acceptable gifts. Each year, the Great Old Ones bestowed a great honor upon one man, woman, or corporation: the Provider Elect, as the blessed one was called, was chosen to present them with a fully furnished house, including food, liquor, steroids, and, of course, a hot tub.
This hot tub was used for the ritualistic process referred to as “hooking up.” Each night, a few hours after dusk, 1-3 of the Great Old Ones would comb Jägeropolis gathering places in search of ritual partners who were both pure in spirit and “fuggin’ hawwwt.” The latter criterion remains an undecipherable standard to this day. These celebrants would retire to the Provider’s hot tub and begin the ritual. Little is known of the ritual in its original form, but many scholars believe it began with the males removing their shirts and saying how many hours they spend at the gym per day. He who had spent the most time at the gym this week received first pick of the females. Pairs could choose whether to retire to the bedroom of the involved Great Old One or to remain in the hot tub to complete the ritual. Once the pairings are made, each Great Old One served his or her partner several shots of liquor. Not much is clear after this.
Today, the ritual takes many forms. High priests serve as stand-ins for the Great Old Ones all over the world, and each one adds his or her own spin to the service. Although the Great Old Ones are long dead, we can still look to their monuments in Jägeropolis for guidance in times of trouble.
A Brief History
No one knows exactly when the pilgrimages started. It may be written in some history book somewhere, but history books are even rarer than those who know how to read them.
Let me tell you what I know.
No earlier than the beginning of the 21st century, Americans began making pilgrimages to Na’nao-cheef, also called Jägeropolis, which was then known as “the Jersey Shore.” Americans were the first to recognize the high concentration of paragons of virtue and intellect in this area. We believe people travelled by the thousands to observe these exemplars’ actions in hopes of achieving a deeper understanding of the workings of greatness.
Parents brought their children. Husbands brought their wives. Everyone brought their wallets. Part of the pilgrimage custom, as I am sure you are well aware, was that in exchange for viewing the venerable behavior of the Great Old Ones (Jolie, Vinny, Sweetheart, Ronnie, DJ Pauly D, Snooki, The Situation, and JWoww) - peace be upon them - the pilgrims would throw vast amounts of money at them. If cash was not readily available, power bars, muscle milk, HGH, bottles of spray-on tan, plastic surgery coupons, and Jägermeister were also acceptable gifts. Each year, the Great Old Ones bestowed a great honor upon one man, woman, or corporation: the Provider Elect, as the blessed one was called, was chosen to present them with a fully furnished house, including food, liquor, steroids, and, of course, a hot tub.
This hot tub was used for the ritualistic process referred to as “hooking up.” Each night, a few hours after dusk, 1-3 of the Great Old Ones would comb Jägeropolis gathering places in search of ritual partners who were both pure in spirit and “fuggin’ hawwwt.” The latter criterion remains an undecipherable standard to this day. These celebrants would retire to the Provider’s hot tub and begin the ritual. Little is known of the ritual in its original form, but many scholars believe it began with the males removing their shirts and saying how many hours they spend at the gym per day. He who had spent the most time at the gym this week received first pick of the females. Pairs could choose whether to retire to the bedroom of the involved Great Old One or to remain in the hot tub to complete the ritual. Once the pairings are made, each Great Old One served his or her partner several shots of liquor. Not much is clear after this.
Today, the ritual takes many forms. High priests serve as stand-ins for the Great Old Ones all over the world, and each one adds his or her own spin to the service. Although the Great Old Ones are long dead, we can still look to their monuments in Jägeropolis for guidance in times of trouble.