For better, for worse 5/?
TITLE : For better, for worse 5/?
AUTHOR: Neolithicdream
PAIRING: Callie & Arizona
RATING: PG 13
SUMMARY: Based on some speculation about future happenings in Eps.7. 17-18 (which thankfully appear to be wrong) what if after they are involved in an accident Arizona no longer feels worthy of Callie or worthwhile.
DISCLAIMER: I do not own Calzona or any of the characters mentioned in this fic. They are the property of Shonda Rhimes/ ABC etc... This fic is purely written for enjoyment and without intent or prospect of profit. No copyright infringement intended.
A/N Please feel free to point out any continuity errors, I’m still a newborn at this writing business!
Ten Days ago
“Kepner, what the hell happened?” Miranda Bailey yelled as she ran into Arizona’s room at 4.15am.
“You paged me 911- what happened” all she could see was a very quiet and obviously sleeping Arizona, no obvious emergency at all.
“Uhm” April swallowed nervously “well I guess if it was someone else but IT’S not ITS Dr. Robbins so I thought you’d want to know. She was fine I checked on her every hour and I spoke to her at 10pm and increased her pain meds for the night and then around 11pm she seemed really upset about something but then I guess the meds kicked in and she was asleep at midnight and 1 and 2am but she seemed really restless and then when I came in at 3am she had just woken up and she was really agitated, she started talking about her legs and she asked to see her chart and when I wouldn’t give it to her she wanted me to get Shepherd and Yin and I told her they weren’t on call and she got really upset and started trying to move and sit up so I ...I calmed her down, I mean I thought I did...she went really quiet so I thought... but then at 3.45 she pulled off her o2 tube and she somehow managed to pull out her canula...I don’t even know how she did that and by the time I got here her o2 level was way down and her b.p was crazy and she was thrashing her arms about the place and I couldn’t get her to calm down and I thought she was going to seize so I sedated her.”
They had all known that it was only a matter of time before their patient realised that, at least for the time being, she was suffering some paralysis and Miranda realised the time had come. Her shift ended in less than two hours but she knew too that she owed it to her friend and former mentor to be there when she woke up.
“OK, page me as soon as it looks like she might be waking up and in the meantime I do not want her left alone for a second.
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Arizona opened her eyes, even groggier than usual, her brain felt trapped in a fog...she knew there was something...something important... and then it was there.
“Robbins...you back from the land of nod?” Bailey said as she held her hand, partly in a gesture of solidarity, partly as a type of restraint.
Arizona stared at her, her blue eyes trying to out - stare the famed “Bailey” stare but to no avail, defeated she turned her head to the other side.
“You had a rough night, you almost gave poor Kepner a stroke - you want to talk about it?”
“Really, Bailey, really? Talk about it with Miranda “Don’t be telling me your personal business” Bailey! Leave me alone. I want to talk to Shepherd, to Dr. Yin and I want to hear them explain to me why they have kept relevant medical details from me, their patient.”
Arizona tried to pull her hand away but Miranda stood up and over Arizona’s prone state pinning her down rendering her virtually immobile.
“Listen to me Arizona, I am your friend, but that doesn’t mean that I won’t put you into restraints for your own good so stop just stop.”
“Why didn’t you tell me, why didn’t someone tell me...why didn’t she tell me, yesterday, when I was prattling away about us, about our future about getting back to work, why did she lie to me!”
“Firstly I’m not sure she knows...Derek wanted to keep both your stress levels down...so I don’t think she knows. I’m not 100% sure but... As far as Shepherd and Yin are concerned they’re not sure what’s going on with, with your spine at the moment...they thought it might be temporary...it might still be...your body has gone through almost unimaginable trauma in the last few days...so the scans done while you were unconscious were inconclusive...they have a 3D scan scheduled for tomorrow so they would have told you today or at the latest tomorrow.”
“How can I support them, be with her from a wheelchair, with a useless hand and...A baby and ...”
“Arizona, stop this pessimism and doom and gloom...it doesn’t seem right coming from you...you have to wait and see?”
“Did my parents know? Did they lie to me as well?”
"Arizona, why don’t I set up a consult with both Shepherd and Yin later today and we can have your parents and Callie here as well and we can all discuss everything together and get a plan?”
There was a long silence.
“Fine, in the meantime, could you arrange with the nurses for me to get a sponge bath, if I’m going to be the star attraction at the freak show I’d like to be at least clean.”
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An only slightly less agitated Callie had Shepherd paged before he’d had time to sip his morning coffee. Having already been briefed by Bailey about Arizona he could tell this was not shaping up to be one of his better days.
Before he had even got to the door it started
“Spinal issues, Derek, what issues, how bad is it? I want, I need to see her charts, all the X-rays scans everything now!”
“You are not her Doctor”
“She wants me to see them”
“Really, Torres? She told you that? When?” He asked with a tight smile
“Yesterday, last night!” Callie knew she was on thin ice as they had only discussed her hand.
“Torres she didn’t know last night, so no you don’t get to see anything unless Robbins tells me its ok.”
“When are you going to tell her? I won’t keep this from her, I won’t...I can’t”
“She knows, she knows something is wrong...she had a pretty bad night so...we’re going to have a consult later this morning and you and her parents can be there too.
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At least she felt clean now and fresh and numb...and not just literally. It had hit her like a ton of bricks last night...she couldn’t understand how she hadn’t felt it earlier...the whole ‘not feeling anything’ feeling. Last night she felt everything, everything except her lower body: anger despair grief denial self- pity self - hate envy jealousy fury hatred. Now it felt the paralysis had taken hold in her hippocampus, in her frontal lobe, in her brain stem. She felt empty.
As nurses with whom she had, previously, been on “nodding” terms carefully washed and cleansed her, showing nothing but compassion and respect to her, she had closed her eyes and thought that this might just be what her future looked like.
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Callie came in first, wanting, needing time alone before the Doctors came in, their colleagues, one of them her staff; the doctors who might change both their lives for good.
“Hey, babe, look at you all clean and ...how come I didn’t get invited to the bath...we could have both enjoyed it” Callie tried desperately to lighten the tension in the air.
“Did you know? I know you know now, did you know yesterday?” Arizona asked angrily unable to contain it.
Callie just shook her head. She grabbed Arizona’s good hand and stroked her fingers like yesterday and leant down and kissed Arizona’s lips.
It had taken all her willpower not to turn her head away as Callie kissed her.
“I would have told you babe, if I had known...I would have told you yesterday....we will get through this...all of this...we are all in, you and me, all in...”
“Stop, touching my hand, Callie, it hurts enough already!”
Callie didn’t know what hurt most; the tone of voice, the use of her abbreviated name or the lie. It was clear Arizona didn’t want her touching her right now...she had felt the almost imperceptible flinch as she had kissed her.
She knew Arizona had to be in mental agony right now so she decided to row with the punches that would be thrown her way by her lover...she had the rest of their lives to forgive her.
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The consult went as well as possible: They dealt with all her injuries; how pleased they were with all her progress, with her internal injuries, her stats. Shepherd and Yin laying out what they intended to do regarding her hand and arm fractures - the damage they could see to her right hand and potential damage to her shoulder. Arizona asked Callie for her professional opinion each time saying
“I’d like to know what Dr. Torres views are on that” or “perhaps you can show Torres that scan please.”
Callie brushed it off telling herself Arizona had always referred to her by her last name or professional title in consults before and that the fact that she was the patient now did not mean Arizona would change her habit. Yet she couldn’t help but feel just like one of her doctors and while she wanted to be one of her doctors - there was no way she would let anyone touch Arizona’s bones without her say so - she was so much more than that too.
When it came to the paralysis it was clear there were more unknowns than known’s at this stage - there would be more scans required and prognosis was unclear. Both Shepherd and Yin agreed it was way too soon to start talking in terms of permanent damage or at the extent of damage, both expected Arizona’s innate optimism to grasp onto this fact, both were surprised to be wrong.
After the consult was over Arizona simply said she was exhausted and could do with a break and all but threw both Callie and her parents out. She asked that there be no visitors for the rest of the day. She made it clear that meant everyone.
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When Callie popped back later, to see how she was, to tell her how Sophie was, to tell her Sophie’s full name and how it came to be and to kiss her good night Arizona’s mood had clearly not improved any.
“Jesus, Callie, I’m tired...I told you I don’t need visitors...what’s up?
“Hey, can’t I come in to kiss my beautiful fiancée goodnight? And talk about our beautiful little girl for a while and...”
“Look go kiss your little girl goodnight...Cal...she should be strong enough for you to pick her up and hold her, both you and her father...it will do the baby good too and I’ll see you tomorrow, Callie, right, after Shepherd has the result of the scan back and you and he can talk me through it ,OK” and Arizona literally turned away from her.
“Arizona, what’s with the Callie and Cal - you never call me that when we’re alone”
“Fine! CALL -I -O - PEE, satisfied! Arizona shouted back and then in a much lower tone “Look I’m sorry today’s, it’s been a really long, crappy day and I’m tired so I’m not up for polite discussion so if you want to stay, then stay, just can you not talk or try to touch me cos I just want to get some sleep”.
Callie stayed for a little while, until the effort of holding back her tears became too much.
It hadn’t gone unnoticed the reference to “your” little girl when yesterday it had been “our”; or the clear implication that she should only come back when the results were back, come back as her Doctor not as her lover but she would give her today, she would allow- allow her to process, she would give her time to process and tomorrow they would talk and make plans.
Arizona hadn’t been any nicer to her parents either, when they too came by, talking about nothing, avoiding the elephant in the room, just wanting to be close to their little girl, to tell her how her little girl was too. Having been banished earlier they found themselves spending time in the NICU with the little girl who had already stolen their hearts - the little grandchild who they had long since ceased to dream of having - the little girl who they now hoped would give their own little girl the added incentive to get through this awful time.
Of course they had met the Torres again including Aria. They couldn’t help but like them too, very different in some ways; hearts on sleeves types; loudly passionate too but they seemed to share the same close family bond the Robbins did and they could see now, regardless of the start, that they were truly welcoming of their daughter not just as a girlfriend but as a daughter.
Mark Sloan seemed ever present. They had not expected to like him but it was hard to dislike someone who was so welcoming of them and refreshingly honest too.
“Arizona doesn’t like me much, never has and it’s not just that I stare at her boobs...I mean..sorry sir,ma’am...but I like the female form and I’m not the only guy here who appreciates your daughters...ah..what I’m trying to say is she has never liked me much but I have always liked her. She and Torres, well a blind man could see they work, they are good for each other and are just crazy about each other...always have been right from the start...ever since Arizona introduced herself by planting one on Torres in the toilet...Callie was smitten, she didn’t stand a chance!”
The shocked, slightly horrified looks on the two faces opposite reminded Mark why he avoided parents. And it occurred to him that one day someone might tell him of Sophie’s exploits and he knew he wouldn’t want to hear that either.
Still Arizona made it clear she was angry at them and the world right now and just didn’t want to know about Sophie or Sloan or anything else right now.
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She hadn’t been lying though when she said she needed sleep; the problem was when she closed her eyes she was flooded with images of her future, her future with Callie and their baby and maybe having a Sloan baby hadn’t been her dream before but the images now were her nightmare - Callie struggling to carry Sophie while pushing her in a wheelchair for their weekly grocery shopping; Callie struggling to lift her out of her chair while Sophie toddled around them; Callie playing with Sophie on the swings while she sat motionless on a park bench; Sophie asking why Mommy doesn’t like dancing when Mami does; Callie and Arizona rejecting dream house after dream house because there are too many steps or the hallways aren’t wide enough for a wheelchair and on and on.
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As they lay in their beds, feeling further apart now than even when Arizona was in Africa they both separately tried to conjure up images of a happier time, only four days ago.
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“I love this place, this park, it’s like our own private slice of heaven” Arizona said smiling as she snuggled into Callies seven and a bit months pregnant frame “Promise me something Calliope?”
“Anything for you, if I can”
“Can we just keep this place for us and the baby, can you not tell Mark about it....I know it’s stupid but...”
“Yes, and it’s not stupid and I wish it was just the two of us in this too, ya know”
“Do you?” Arizona asked trying desperately to hide her insecurity
“I do.”
“I wish I didn’t have to work tonight, we could have stayed away an extra day, just the two of us, well the two of us and our beautiful bump” Arizona said ,one hand caressing said bump, the other Callies cheek, “our own private version of ‘Two and a half women’ going on” chuckling at her own joke.
“I guess that makes me the Charlie Sheen of our sitcom then” Callie said leaning in for a passionate kiss as they sat on “their bench” in “their park”.
“No, what, why?”
“Because I’m crazy, crazy about you, crazy in love with you, deeply ,madly, crazily in love with you.” Callie sighed deeply “I haven’t told you enough ,not lately, that I love you, but I love you with everything I have.”
“I love you too, Calliope, with everything I have”
After a long but comfortable silence Arizona said softly -
“This was the perfect place to come to end our trip away, I’m glad you suggested it”
“Arizona, I wanted us to come here because I wanted to say something to you, to ask you something and I..it’s ok if you don’t want to, if it’s a bad time but I just wanted you to know that it’s how I feel and it’s ok if you don’t feel...I mean I’d understand with everything why you wouldn’t and...” rambling and getting more nervous by the second Callie stuttered and tripped over her words
“Calliope! What do you want to tell me, because as gorgeous as you are when you ramble you’re kind of scaring me”
Callie took a deep breath and just pushed on “Arizona Robbins, you are the love of my life, no-one else has ever come close, no-one has ever compared to you. I think sometimes you were sent to me from above, that I was made for you” and with one last deep breath “I want to spend the rest of my life with you, I want to be your wife, I want you to be my wife, will you marry me?”
Callie exhaled, in a way it almost didn’t matter what Arizona’s answer was, she had asked the question, she had somehow got it out. It almost didn’t matter what Arizona said. Almost.
She said nothing, for a very long time, just stared at Callie. She hadn’t expected this, not at all. Once upon a time she had been terrified that Callie was going to propose, thought she was going to, a lifetime ago, less than a year ago.
“Yes, ye-es, yes please...yes I want to be your wife, oh god I want to be your wife. I want to marry you, yes so many many times YES.”