Fic: Lights Will Guide You Home (1/6 - COMPLETE)
Title: Lights Will Guide You Home (1/6 - COMPLETE)
Artist: chosenfire28
Author: cait_85
Rating (art/fic if different): G/PG13
Word Count: 32,807
Warnings (if any): OC character death (suicide, brief mention)
Beta(s): TBA
Fic Summary: Blaine has a big secret which he’s been hiding from everyone. Unfortunately, the thing about Secrets is that they have a tendency to come out sooner or later and when they do, someone has to pick up the pieces.
Blaine Anderson had never really thought of himself as a coward before. Sure he had run away from his old school and the bullies there, disappeared off to the safety of Dalton and its zero tolerance anti-bullying policy, but he didn’t consider that cowardice. The first physical attack hadn’t been too serious, just a few bruises and a fractured wrist but he would have been kidding himself to think that now the other kids had got a taste for it there wouldn’t have been a second attack if he’d stayed. There may even have been a third and a fourth and each one would have been worse than the last and would have resulted in more broken bones and longer hospital stays. It had been sensible, leaving when he did. It wasn’t cowardice at all. But now, standing at Kurt’s front door, eyes puffy from crying, completely mentally and physically exhausted after the longest 24 hours in his life and hand raised to knock but unable to make that final move and just tap on the door, now, he realised how much of a coward he was. He loved Kurt. He loved him so much and after the day he had had he wanted nothing more than to curl up in Kurt’s arms and sleep and let Kurt ward off all the thoughts and feelings that were swirling around in his head, making him want to laugh and cry and scream all at the same time. But he couldn’t even make himself knock. Couldn’t bring himself to tell Kurt what had happened, to tell him about the impossibly huge secret Blaine had been keeping from him, the secret he had kept from everyone except his parents. He knew what would happen when Kurt found out his secret. They would fight. Kurt would hate him. He would lose everything.
He looked down at the bundle he held cradled to his chest. His daughter. His Amelie. He still couldn’t quite believe this was really happening. He was half expecting to wake up and find out he’d dreamed everything; that the last 18 months of his life had never happened. But he knew he wasn’t really dreaming. How could he have dreamed up something as perfect as the little girl in his arms with the beautiful blue eyes just like her mother’s and wispy brown hairs exactly the same shade as his? How could he have dreamed Kurt, the person he was pretty sure he wanted to spend the rest of his life with? No, this was definitely happening. Now he just needed to work out what to do next. He wasn’t sure when he made the decision to come here. He’d left his parents home some 8 hours before after quite possibly the worst row he had ever had with them and had driven around aimlessly for hours. He had been surprised to find himself pulling up outside the Hudmel house but as soon as he cut the engine he realised this was what he needed. He needed to tell Kurt everything. He needed his boyfriend to forgive him. To hug him and kiss him and tell him it would be okay. It was breaking his heart to think that when Kurt heard about Amelie, he might never want to hug or kiss Blaine again.
Blaine was pulled from his inner turmoil over knocking on the door by that very same door creaking open.
“Blaine, what are you doing here? I thought you had gone away with your parents for a few days?”
Carole stood in the door way with two trash bags at her feet. Blaine smiled at her weakly, cursing himself as he fought back a fresh wave of tears at the sight of her friendly face. He had cried enough tears today, he didn’t want to shed any more. Carole’s face morphed from confusion to concern. Then she noticed Amelie.
“Why don’t you come inside sweetie?” She asked him, stepping back to let him in.
Blaine nodded shakily and stepped through the front door, standing in the hallway looking lost. Carole quickly deposited the trash bags on the porch to be taken down to the curb later. When she was done she turned back to Blaine and ushered the shaking boy through to the family room. Pushing him gently down onto the sofa she asked him if he wanted a drink and he nodded silently. With that she turned on her heel and headed to the kitchen to make him a mug of hot cocoa to warm him up.
As she made the drink she thought carefully about the best thing to do next. There was obviously something wrong for Blaine to show up on the doorstep in this state at this time of night and she couldn’t begin to imagine why he had such a young baby with him. Part of her wanted to talk to Blaine herself and find out what was going on however a bigger part realised that Blaine could only have come here for one reason. Kurt.
With a glance at the family room door, Carole crept upstairs and knocked lightly on her stepson’s door, calling him quietly.
Kurt was sitting at his vanity finishing off his skincare routine when he heard Carole calling, asking him to come downstairs. He called to her that he would be down in a minute before quickly finishing smoothing the last of his moisturising cream into his t-zone before putting everything back in its place and heading down. Carole met him at the bottom of the stairs and the look on her face was enough to instantly put him on edge.
“Carole? What’s wrong?” Panic gripped Kurt as he tried to work out why Carole looked so serious standing there waiting for him. “It’s not Dad is it? He hasn’t had another heart attack? Please Carole, tell me what’s wrong!”
Carole quickly reached out to place a calming hand on Kurt’s shoulder and smiling at him reassuringly.
“You’re Dad is fine honey, stop worrying.” She sighed, still not sure what was happening but knowing one thing for certain. “Blaine’s here. I think he needs you.” She gripped his hands tightly. “Listen to him Kurt. I don’t know what’s going on but that boy is going through something and he needs you to be there for him.”
Kurt frowned. Blaine was supposed to be on his way to California with his parents right now to visit his brother. They were supposed to be gone for the next two weeks. Blaine didn’t get on with his older brother very well and had asked his parents if he could stay home but they had refused, insisting that the boys would get along better if they spent more time together. So Kurt and Blaine had spent the previous evening together saying goodbye and had prepared themselves for two whole weeks without seeing each other, the longest they would have been apart since they met. So why was Blaine here now? He was distracted from asking Carole by the soft sound of singing floating down the hall.
Hush little baby don’t say a word,
Daddy’s gonna buy you a mocking bird.
Kurt looked at Carol, eyes wide and demanding. Who was Blaine singing to? And why was he singing a lullaby? Carole didn’t provide any answers, instead she just nudged him gently, prompting him to move along the hallway, standing so he could see into the family room.
And if that mockingbird don’t sing,
Daddy’s gonna buy you a diamond ring.
And if that diamond ring turns brass,
Daddy’s gonna buy you a looking glass.
Blaine sat on the couch, singing to a tiny baby lying in his lap. Kurt knew nothing about babies other than what he’d seen on TV but if he had to guess he would say the baby could be no older than 5 or 6 months. It was dressed all in pink and was gurgling happily, arms reaching up towards Blaine as he sang
And if that looking glass gets broke,
Daddy’s gonna buy you a billy goat.
And if that billy goat doesn’t pull,
Daddy’s gonna to buy you a cart and bull.
Kurts eyes were fixed on his boyfriends face as he sang to the baby (his daughter? He asked himself. Surely there was no other explanation for the way he was looking at her, although how and why Blaine could have a daughter when he was gay, Kurt didn’t know). He could see the love in Blaine’s eyes, a glint so similar and yet still so different to the one he was used to seeing directed at himself. He didn’t even realise he was moving towards Blaine until he found himself sitting on the couch next to him.
And if that cart and bull turns over,
Daddy’s gonna to buy you a dog named Rover.
And if that dog named Rover won’t bark,
Daddy’s gonna to buy you a horse and cart.
Carole watched Kurt moving to sit on the couch with a soft smile on her face. She wasn’t sure yet what was going on, although she could make a few educated guesses. Blaine looked like his world had just fallen apart and put itself back together all at the same time. More broken than she had ever seen any boy his age yet at the same time, more complete. As she listened to him sing the last couple of lines of the song, the little baby falling asleep with her thumb in her mouth, she turned and crept of down the hallway, leaving to boys to talk in private
And if that horse and cart falls down,
you’ll still be the sweetest little baby in town.
As Blaine finished singing he became aware of his surroundings and the first thing he realised was that he wasn’t alone any more. He glanced up into the eyes of his boyfriend before looking back down again, eyes fixed on the little girl who was fast making herself the centre of his universe. He had no idea what he was supposed to say now. He looked around for Carole but couldn’t see her anywhere. It was just him and Kurt. He idly wondered to himself how long it would be before Kurt started shouting. How long until he told him to leave.
“What’s her name?” Kurt was the one to finally break the silence, speaking softly so as not to wake the sleeping baby.
“Amelie.” Blaine answered simply, brushing a golden curl off her forehead. “Amelie Marie Anderson-Bailey.”
He finally looked up properly, expecting to see anger or hatred in Kurt’s eyes. What he didn’t expect was for Kurt to put an arm round his shoulder in a hug, pulling his head down to rest on Kurt’s shoulder.
“She’s beautiful. She looks just like you.”
Blaine smiled weakly. “She looks more like her Mom than me.” He answered, shifting on the sofa until he was pressed tight into Kurt’s side with Amelie cradled tightly in one arm. His voice broke a little as he mentioned her Mom.
Kurt squeezed him tighter, fighting down the urge to make a witty retort at the mention of Amelie’s Mom.
“What’s going on Blaine? You know you can tell me anything.”
Blaine nodded his head, steeling himself in determination.
“She’s my daughter.” He said softly, his voice catching on the last word.
Kurt nodded his head, inhaling a deep breath as he did so. He had already realised that, hearing Blaine singing to her had been enough to tell him, but hearing Blaine say the words just made it that much more real. His boyfriend had a daughter. He didn’t know what he was supposed to say. Was there a right thing to say in a situation like this? He could feel panic bubbling in the pit of his stomach and he wanted to be angry at Blaine for not thinking to tell him he had a daughter sooner. But having seen Blaine singing to the little girl and feeling him trembling as they sat together now, Kurt somehow managed to keep those feelings to himself, remembering Carole’s earlier words and knowing that whatever was going on, Blaine needed him more than ever right now.
As the silence stretched on, Blaine got progressively more nervous. He knew he needed to explain to Kurt but he didn’t know how. He had kept this secret locked up inside for so long that now it was time to let it out, to talk to someone about it, he didn’t know where to start.
The silence was broken by Carole knocking softly on the door before pushing it open slowly and coming inside. Blaine was surprised to see a wicker moses basket in her hand, soft white blankets lining it.
“I thought your arms might need a rest. This was Finn’s when he was a baby; I’ve never been able to bring myself to get rid of it.” Carole smiled at Blaine reassuringly and Blaine smiled gratefully in return. Carole put the basket down on the coffee table and pulled the blankets back, allowing Blaine to carefully lie Amelie down. The baby whimpered softly in her sleep, squirming around seeking her father’s body heat before calming. As Carole edged quietly out of the room, Kurt pulled Blaine into his arms properly.
“Go on, tell me everything. You’ll feel better when you do.”
Blaine frowned in confusion.
“Why are you being so nice to me?” He asked Kurt softly, hesitantly. “You’re supposed to be mad at me. You are supposed to yell at me and tell me you never want to see me again right now.”
“Would you rather I did that?” Kurt asked him. “I’m not going to lie, I’m confused and I’m hurt that you never told me you had a daughter and I’m scared that if you can keep something like this from me you could be keeping so many other secrets, I’m scared of how much this could change things. But I don’t know the full story yet. When I do, then I’ll decide how mad at you I am.
Blaine nodded decisively. “Okay. That sounds fair I guess.” With no more hesitation, he took a deep breath and began.
“I’ve only been at Dalton a year; I started there a couple of months before you did. Before Dalton I went to Westerville South High. It... I hated it there. The bullying was the opposite of what it was like for you at McKinley, or at least it was to begin with. You were picked on. Pushed, shoved, called names, targeted for being different. I was ignored by everyone. Day after day no-one spoke to me. No one sat with me in class, no one would work on projects with me. Teachers stopped asking them to after the end of the first semester of freshman year. They just left me to get on with things on my own. The only exception was my friend Jess. Her parents had been best friends with mine since before we were born so the two of us grew up together. She was the first person I came out to. I was only 12 at the time but I knew I was different and she was there for me to talk to. She promised me it didn’t change anything, that I would always be her best friend.
Last April, one of Jess’ friends, a girl called Emily, had a party. Jess begged me to go with her, she used every bit of blackmail material she had against me to convince me to go. I really didn’t want to - going to a party with a group of people who hated me and ignored by existence day in day out was my idea of hell - but I had a bit of a problem when it came to saying no to Jess. So I went and I hid in a corner and drank some punch and counted down the minutes until I had been there an acceptable length of time to tell Jess I was leaving. I didn’t realise the punch had been spiked. Everything that happened is still really fuzzy but somehow Jess and I ended up having sex. I don’t remember why and I’m really quite grateful that I don’t remember doing anything past kissing her but a guy in my homeroom told me the following Monday that he had seen us together. He told me in graphic detail what he had seen us doing.”
Blaine paused lost in thought. He hadn’t made the connection before but thinking on it now, maybe he should stop drinking when there were girls around. Drunken Blaine appeared to be a little too straight for his liking.
“After the party, suddenly people wanted to talk to me at school. Jess and I both made a pact to forget it ever happened and never speak of it again but we’d been seen and news travels fast. By Monday it was all over the school that Gay Anderson had slept with a girl. I’d been wishing since the day I had come out that people would talk to me again, but as soon as people were, I hated it. The only reason they were talking to me was because they thought I’d given up on being into guys and decided girls were better after all. They didn’t want to talk to me, they wanted to talk to the person they thought I was. There was a freshman boy called Neil who I’d heard rumours about. He didn’t get ostracised quite the way I had done because he wasn’t actually out but everyone had their suspicions. I just wanted people to stop bringing up what Jess and I had done, so I asked him to go with me to the Sadie Hawkins dance that was coming up. I didn’t think he would say yes. I assumed I’d get a punch in the gut and that within an hour it would be all round school that I was still gay and things would go back to normal. But he said yes and having asked him I couldn’t think of a way to get out of going. So we went to the dance and when we were leaving we got cornered by half the football team. I ended up with a few bruises, a split lip and a fractured wrist. Neil had a couple of cracked ribs and a broken ankle.
My parents pulled me out of school after that, enrolled me at Dalton. Everything looked like it would be okay. Then Jess turned up on my doorstep one afternoon last August crying her heart out and everything changed.”
“She was pregnant?” Kurt asked softly after a long pause. He was trying not to interrupt as he could see how much Blaine needed to talk through all this but the silence was becoming stifling and he needed to break it.
Blaine nodded.
“She was. She kept going back and forth between apologising, begging for help and telling me it was all my fault. Then she would apologise for blaming me and the whole cycle would start again. I promised I would stand by her, whatever she decided I’d be there for her. When our parents found out that decision was taken away from us.”
Kurt watched as tears pooled in Blaine’s eyes. He pulled Blaine tighter to him, encouraging the younger boy to rest his head on Kurt’s chest. When they were both comfortable, Blaine continued.
“We decided to tell both our parents together, we thought that way we could be there for each other and would only need to do it once and we hoped that they would all be less likely to over react if everyone was there. I managed to convince my parents to invite Jess and her family round for dinner. They hadn’t had a dinner party for a while so they thought it was a great idea, although it really took some convincing to get them not to turn it into a big party for half my Dad’s firm and their partners. We had dinner, Jess and I tidied up and put the dishwasher on while our parents sat in the lounge and talked, then we went in, sat down and told them everything.”
Blaine sighed to himself, lost in thought, the words now pouring out without his having any control over them.
“I don’t think they believed us to start with. Jess’ parents told her not to be stupid, that she had to be having sex to be pregnant and they would have noticed if she was having sex, especially if it was with me. My parents reminded me that I was gay and so of course I hadn’t had sex with my very female best friend. So we told them about the party, about the rumours at school, about what we had done. Then they exploded on us. Jess’ parents were pretty strict Catholics. My parents went to the same church as them but it was more for appearances than because they actually believed what they were being told. But Jess’ parent’s, they were pretty big on the whole sins of the flesh thing. They were furious with Jess for getting herself pregnant out of wedlock and even more so for ruining herself by allowing someone like me to get her pregnant at 16. They never made a secret of the fact they didn’t approve of my sexuality but they tolerated me because they liked my parents and because they knew Jess wouldn’t stand for them trying to keep us apart. In their eyes, I was the worst possible person who could have gotten their little girl pregnant. As least if I had been a nice straight boy they could have romanticised the story a bit, made it sound like the baby’s father was the love of Jess’ life and she’d just made a mistake because of how strongly she felt for him. They would never have been able to make that story stick with me as the father.”
“Why didn’t they just make Jess get rid of the baby?” Kurt asked softly. “Surely that would have solved everything; no one would ever have needed to know.”
Blaine shook his head emphatically.
“They were very firmly anti-abortion; I’d heard them talk about it a few times when the subject came up on the news. There was no way they would ever have even considered suggesting it. I don’t think Jess would have agreed to it even if they had. My parents suggested adoption but they had always been very vocal about the fact they didn’t agree with adoption either. They told Jess straight that she had messed up and she would have to live with the consequences and that that meant raising the baby on her own, as a single parent. They said that all babies belonged with their mothers and this was no exception. I offered to help, I wanted to be involved and I didn’t want Jess to have to do it alone, but all our parents were agreed that wasn’t going to happen. Her parents told me straight that I was to stay away from both Jess and the baby and if they found out I’d been anywhere near they would be going straight to the nearest police station and reporting me for raping their little girl. My dad pointed out they wouldn’t get very far with that since we were both minors when it happened, but it got their point across. He said it was for the best that I wasn’t involved; that this way I would be free to go to Dalton, be happy, finish school, go to college. I wouldn’t need to worry about bringing up a baby I wasn’t ready for or committing my life to someone I didn’t want to be with. He and Mom promised they would make sure Jess and the baby were taken care of financially, but I wasn’t to be involved. I just had to forget all about it and move on.”
“Wow.” Kurt exhaled slowly. “That’s quite a lot to take in all in one go.” He looked at Blaine and saw a look of hope in his eyes which was quickly dying out the longer Kurt stayed quiet. “Why didn’t you tell me all this sooner?” he asked softly, squeezing Blaine’s hand in a gesture of reassurance.
Blaine groaned in frustration as he thought about it.
“I don’t know.” He finally answered. “I wanted to. I thought about telling you so many times but I kept coming back to what my Dad said. Forget it and move on. Be happy. You made me happy Kurt. No, you make me happy. Every time I thought about telling you, I realised it would destroy everything and I couldn’t make myself do it. And every time I chickened out of telling you, I felt a little more guilty about it but then it made the thought of actually telling you even worse, because the longer I left it, the more of a big deal it would be. It was a stupid vicious circle that I couldn’t find a way out of.”
Kurt nodded his head, trying his hardest to understand this from Blaine’s point of view and not to let his emotions get the better of him. He loved Blaine but he couldn’t believe his boyfriend could keep something like this from him. It scared him and made him wonder what other secrets Blaine was keeping. He knew now wasn’t the time to bring this up with Blaine however. His boyfriend needed his support right now. There was obviously more to the story. Unfortunately he couldn’t control himself and ended up bombarding Blaine with a slew of questions.
“So what changed? Why did you turn up on my doorstep this evening with your daughter? And how have you even got her with you since you aren’t supposed to see her? Wh-” Blaine placed his finger gently against Kurt’s lips, silencing his stream of questions with a melancholy smile. Kurt looked down, frustrated with himself for not being able to keep quiet and with Blaine for not already having started answering his questions.
Blaine opened his mouth to speak but was interrupted by a shrill cry coming from the basket on the coffee table. Kurt found it hard to miss the look of panic that crossed Blaine’s face before he darted forwards to scoop the baby girl up into his arms, cooing and shushing her softly.
“Hey baby girl, what’s all the noise about?” he spoke to her, to keep calm but finding a slightly hysterical undertone creeping into his voice. Unfortunately his attentions didn’t seem to calm her and her cries just got louder and louder. Blaine’s bit his lip, trying to work out what was wrong with her but failing to come up with anything.
“What do you want Amelie? You’ve just had a nap, I fed you before we came here and changed your diaper, I don’t know what you need.” He felt tears in his eyes as he tried and failed to calm his little girl, sure that Kurt was thinking even worse of him now he could see what a terrible father he was - he couldn’t even stop his daughter from crying.
Kurt watched Blaine with a combination of compassion, pity and sorrow. Blaine looked so young; scared and lost with no idea what to do. Kurt hated seeing him like that. Without so much as a word he gently took Amelie from Blaine’s arms and stood, cradling her tight to his chest and bouncing her softly as he paced around the room.
“Hey there little girl, what’s all the fuss about?” He spoke softly, running a finger lightly up and down her cheek as he did so. “You’re upsetting your daddy you know. And between the two of us, I think he’s already upset enough without you scaring him like this.” He smiled in relief as the baby’s cries began to subside, the loud wails of a few moments ago fading to quiet whimpers.
“There we go, such a good girl for Uncle Kurt aren’t you?” Kurt adjusted her in his arms so her head was resting on his shoulder before sitting back down next to Blaine smiling at him reassuringly. Amelie just turned her head into Kurt’s neck and brought a thumb up and slipped it into her mouth.
Blaine for his part, sat there mouth wide open in shock trying to process what had just happened.
“How did you do that?!” He demanded quietly, conscious of the fact he didn’t want to disturb Amelie again.
Kurt shrugged with his free shoulder.
“After my Mom died my Aunt and Uncle used to look after me after school while my Dad was working at the garage. They have twins who were about Amelie’s age when my Mom died. My Aunt used to let me help her with them sometimes. She always said that calming a crying baby is all in the tone of voice you use - babies are like dogs, they can sense fear. As long as you sound confident, they should respond to you but the second they hear you panicking, you’ve lost the battle. It just takes practice.”
Blaine buried his face in his hands, groaning into them in despair.
“I am such a terrible father.” He moaned, voice muffled in his hands. He said something else too which Kurt couldn’t quite make out. It didn’t stop Kurt from shooting him down.
“Don’t say that.” He demanded firmly. “I know there is more that you haven’t told me yet, but I can tell you now you aren’t a terrible father. You’re just new at it. Amelie is here with you. She’s safe, warm, clean, fed. A terrible father wouldn’t have made sure of all that.”
Blaine looked up at Kurt, staring into his eyes with a haunted gaze.
“Would a good father have left himself and his daughter homeless?” He asked in a whisper.
“Homeless?” Kurt echoed. “You aren’t-”
Blaine nodded his head slowly, a lone tear rolling down his cheek. “I am. As of this morning, I am.”
Kurt felt dread settle in the pit of his stomach. This was it, the point of no return. Whatever Blaine was about to tell him was big and somehow he knew it was going to change things; for better or worse was yet to be determined.
“What happened Blaine?” He asked softly. “Please tell me.”
(Part 2)
Artist: chosenfire28
Author: cait_85
Rating (art/fic if different): G/PG13
Word Count: 32,807
Warnings (if any): OC character death (suicide, brief mention)
Beta(s): TBA
Fic Summary: Blaine has a big secret which he’s been hiding from everyone. Unfortunately, the thing about Secrets is that they have a tendency to come out sooner or later and when they do, someone has to pick up the pieces.
Blaine Anderson had never really thought of himself as a coward before. Sure he had run away from his old school and the bullies there, disappeared off to the safety of Dalton and its zero tolerance anti-bullying policy, but he didn’t consider that cowardice. The first physical attack hadn’t been too serious, just a few bruises and a fractured wrist but he would have been kidding himself to think that now the other kids had got a taste for it there wouldn’t have been a second attack if he’d stayed. There may even have been a third and a fourth and each one would have been worse than the last and would have resulted in more broken bones and longer hospital stays. It had been sensible, leaving when he did. It wasn’t cowardice at all. But now, standing at Kurt’s front door, eyes puffy from crying, completely mentally and physically exhausted after the longest 24 hours in his life and hand raised to knock but unable to make that final move and just tap on the door, now, he realised how much of a coward he was. He loved Kurt. He loved him so much and after the day he had had he wanted nothing more than to curl up in Kurt’s arms and sleep and let Kurt ward off all the thoughts and feelings that were swirling around in his head, making him want to laugh and cry and scream all at the same time. But he couldn’t even make himself knock. Couldn’t bring himself to tell Kurt what had happened, to tell him about the impossibly huge secret Blaine had been keeping from him, the secret he had kept from everyone except his parents. He knew what would happen when Kurt found out his secret. They would fight. Kurt would hate him. He would lose everything.
He looked down at the bundle he held cradled to his chest. His daughter. His Amelie. He still couldn’t quite believe this was really happening. He was half expecting to wake up and find out he’d dreamed everything; that the last 18 months of his life had never happened. But he knew he wasn’t really dreaming. How could he have dreamed up something as perfect as the little girl in his arms with the beautiful blue eyes just like her mother’s and wispy brown hairs exactly the same shade as his? How could he have dreamed Kurt, the person he was pretty sure he wanted to spend the rest of his life with? No, this was definitely happening. Now he just needed to work out what to do next. He wasn’t sure when he made the decision to come here. He’d left his parents home some 8 hours before after quite possibly the worst row he had ever had with them and had driven around aimlessly for hours. He had been surprised to find himself pulling up outside the Hudmel house but as soon as he cut the engine he realised this was what he needed. He needed to tell Kurt everything. He needed his boyfriend to forgive him. To hug him and kiss him and tell him it would be okay. It was breaking his heart to think that when Kurt heard about Amelie, he might never want to hug or kiss Blaine again.
Blaine was pulled from his inner turmoil over knocking on the door by that very same door creaking open.
“Blaine, what are you doing here? I thought you had gone away with your parents for a few days?”
Carole stood in the door way with two trash bags at her feet. Blaine smiled at her weakly, cursing himself as he fought back a fresh wave of tears at the sight of her friendly face. He had cried enough tears today, he didn’t want to shed any more. Carole’s face morphed from confusion to concern. Then she noticed Amelie.
“Why don’t you come inside sweetie?” She asked him, stepping back to let him in.
Blaine nodded shakily and stepped through the front door, standing in the hallway looking lost. Carole quickly deposited the trash bags on the porch to be taken down to the curb later. When she was done she turned back to Blaine and ushered the shaking boy through to the family room. Pushing him gently down onto the sofa she asked him if he wanted a drink and he nodded silently. With that she turned on her heel and headed to the kitchen to make him a mug of hot cocoa to warm him up.
As she made the drink she thought carefully about the best thing to do next. There was obviously something wrong for Blaine to show up on the doorstep in this state at this time of night and she couldn’t begin to imagine why he had such a young baby with him. Part of her wanted to talk to Blaine herself and find out what was going on however a bigger part realised that Blaine could only have come here for one reason. Kurt.
With a glance at the family room door, Carole crept upstairs and knocked lightly on her stepson’s door, calling him quietly.
Kurt was sitting at his vanity finishing off his skincare routine when he heard Carole calling, asking him to come downstairs. He called to her that he would be down in a minute before quickly finishing smoothing the last of his moisturising cream into his t-zone before putting everything back in its place and heading down. Carole met him at the bottom of the stairs and the look on her face was enough to instantly put him on edge.
“Carole? What’s wrong?” Panic gripped Kurt as he tried to work out why Carole looked so serious standing there waiting for him. “It’s not Dad is it? He hasn’t had another heart attack? Please Carole, tell me what’s wrong!”
Carole quickly reached out to place a calming hand on Kurt’s shoulder and smiling at him reassuringly.
“You’re Dad is fine honey, stop worrying.” She sighed, still not sure what was happening but knowing one thing for certain. “Blaine’s here. I think he needs you.” She gripped his hands tightly. “Listen to him Kurt. I don’t know what’s going on but that boy is going through something and he needs you to be there for him.”
Kurt frowned. Blaine was supposed to be on his way to California with his parents right now to visit his brother. They were supposed to be gone for the next two weeks. Blaine didn’t get on with his older brother very well and had asked his parents if he could stay home but they had refused, insisting that the boys would get along better if they spent more time together. So Kurt and Blaine had spent the previous evening together saying goodbye and had prepared themselves for two whole weeks without seeing each other, the longest they would have been apart since they met. So why was Blaine here now? He was distracted from asking Carole by the soft sound of singing floating down the hall.
Hush little baby don’t say a word,
Daddy’s gonna buy you a mocking bird.
Kurt looked at Carol, eyes wide and demanding. Who was Blaine singing to? And why was he singing a lullaby? Carole didn’t provide any answers, instead she just nudged him gently, prompting him to move along the hallway, standing so he could see into the family room.
And if that mockingbird don’t sing,
Daddy’s gonna buy you a diamond ring.
And if that diamond ring turns brass,
Daddy’s gonna buy you a looking glass.
Blaine sat on the couch, singing to a tiny baby lying in his lap. Kurt knew nothing about babies other than what he’d seen on TV but if he had to guess he would say the baby could be no older than 5 or 6 months. It was dressed all in pink and was gurgling happily, arms reaching up towards Blaine as he sang
And if that looking glass gets broke,
Daddy’s gonna buy you a billy goat.
And if that billy goat doesn’t pull,
Daddy’s gonna to buy you a cart and bull.
Kurts eyes were fixed on his boyfriends face as he sang to the baby (his daughter? He asked himself. Surely there was no other explanation for the way he was looking at her, although how and why Blaine could have a daughter when he was gay, Kurt didn’t know). He could see the love in Blaine’s eyes, a glint so similar and yet still so different to the one he was used to seeing directed at himself. He didn’t even realise he was moving towards Blaine until he found himself sitting on the couch next to him.
And if that cart and bull turns over,
Daddy’s gonna to buy you a dog named Rover.
And if that dog named Rover won’t bark,
Daddy’s gonna to buy you a horse and cart.
Carole watched Kurt moving to sit on the couch with a soft smile on her face. She wasn’t sure yet what was going on, although she could make a few educated guesses. Blaine looked like his world had just fallen apart and put itself back together all at the same time. More broken than she had ever seen any boy his age yet at the same time, more complete. As she listened to him sing the last couple of lines of the song, the little baby falling asleep with her thumb in her mouth, she turned and crept of down the hallway, leaving to boys to talk in private
And if that horse and cart falls down,
you’ll still be the sweetest little baby in town.
As Blaine finished singing he became aware of his surroundings and the first thing he realised was that he wasn’t alone any more. He glanced up into the eyes of his boyfriend before looking back down again, eyes fixed on the little girl who was fast making herself the centre of his universe. He had no idea what he was supposed to say now. He looked around for Carole but couldn’t see her anywhere. It was just him and Kurt. He idly wondered to himself how long it would be before Kurt started shouting. How long until he told him to leave.
“What’s her name?” Kurt was the one to finally break the silence, speaking softly so as not to wake the sleeping baby.
“Amelie.” Blaine answered simply, brushing a golden curl off her forehead. “Amelie Marie Anderson-Bailey.”
He finally looked up properly, expecting to see anger or hatred in Kurt’s eyes. What he didn’t expect was for Kurt to put an arm round his shoulder in a hug, pulling his head down to rest on Kurt’s shoulder.
“She’s beautiful. She looks just like you.”
Blaine smiled weakly. “She looks more like her Mom than me.” He answered, shifting on the sofa until he was pressed tight into Kurt’s side with Amelie cradled tightly in one arm. His voice broke a little as he mentioned her Mom.
Kurt squeezed him tighter, fighting down the urge to make a witty retort at the mention of Amelie’s Mom.
“What’s going on Blaine? You know you can tell me anything.”
Blaine nodded his head, steeling himself in determination.
“She’s my daughter.” He said softly, his voice catching on the last word.
Kurt nodded his head, inhaling a deep breath as he did so. He had already realised that, hearing Blaine singing to her had been enough to tell him, but hearing Blaine say the words just made it that much more real. His boyfriend had a daughter. He didn’t know what he was supposed to say. Was there a right thing to say in a situation like this? He could feel panic bubbling in the pit of his stomach and he wanted to be angry at Blaine for not thinking to tell him he had a daughter sooner. But having seen Blaine singing to the little girl and feeling him trembling as they sat together now, Kurt somehow managed to keep those feelings to himself, remembering Carole’s earlier words and knowing that whatever was going on, Blaine needed him more than ever right now.
As the silence stretched on, Blaine got progressively more nervous. He knew he needed to explain to Kurt but he didn’t know how. He had kept this secret locked up inside for so long that now it was time to let it out, to talk to someone about it, he didn’t know where to start.
The silence was broken by Carole knocking softly on the door before pushing it open slowly and coming inside. Blaine was surprised to see a wicker moses basket in her hand, soft white blankets lining it.
“I thought your arms might need a rest. This was Finn’s when he was a baby; I’ve never been able to bring myself to get rid of it.” Carole smiled at Blaine reassuringly and Blaine smiled gratefully in return. Carole put the basket down on the coffee table and pulled the blankets back, allowing Blaine to carefully lie Amelie down. The baby whimpered softly in her sleep, squirming around seeking her father’s body heat before calming. As Carole edged quietly out of the room, Kurt pulled Blaine into his arms properly.
“Go on, tell me everything. You’ll feel better when you do.”
Blaine frowned in confusion.
“Why are you being so nice to me?” He asked Kurt softly, hesitantly. “You’re supposed to be mad at me. You are supposed to yell at me and tell me you never want to see me again right now.”
“Would you rather I did that?” Kurt asked him. “I’m not going to lie, I’m confused and I’m hurt that you never told me you had a daughter and I’m scared that if you can keep something like this from me you could be keeping so many other secrets, I’m scared of how much this could change things. But I don’t know the full story yet. When I do, then I’ll decide how mad at you I am.
Blaine nodded decisively. “Okay. That sounds fair I guess.” With no more hesitation, he took a deep breath and began.
“I’ve only been at Dalton a year; I started there a couple of months before you did. Before Dalton I went to Westerville South High. It... I hated it there. The bullying was the opposite of what it was like for you at McKinley, or at least it was to begin with. You were picked on. Pushed, shoved, called names, targeted for being different. I was ignored by everyone. Day after day no-one spoke to me. No one sat with me in class, no one would work on projects with me. Teachers stopped asking them to after the end of the first semester of freshman year. They just left me to get on with things on my own. The only exception was my friend Jess. Her parents had been best friends with mine since before we were born so the two of us grew up together. She was the first person I came out to. I was only 12 at the time but I knew I was different and she was there for me to talk to. She promised me it didn’t change anything, that I would always be her best friend.
Last April, one of Jess’ friends, a girl called Emily, had a party. Jess begged me to go with her, she used every bit of blackmail material she had against me to convince me to go. I really didn’t want to - going to a party with a group of people who hated me and ignored by existence day in day out was my idea of hell - but I had a bit of a problem when it came to saying no to Jess. So I went and I hid in a corner and drank some punch and counted down the minutes until I had been there an acceptable length of time to tell Jess I was leaving. I didn’t realise the punch had been spiked. Everything that happened is still really fuzzy but somehow Jess and I ended up having sex. I don’t remember why and I’m really quite grateful that I don’t remember doing anything past kissing her but a guy in my homeroom told me the following Monday that he had seen us together. He told me in graphic detail what he had seen us doing.”
Blaine paused lost in thought. He hadn’t made the connection before but thinking on it now, maybe he should stop drinking when there were girls around. Drunken Blaine appeared to be a little too straight for his liking.
“After the party, suddenly people wanted to talk to me at school. Jess and I both made a pact to forget it ever happened and never speak of it again but we’d been seen and news travels fast. By Monday it was all over the school that Gay Anderson had slept with a girl. I’d been wishing since the day I had come out that people would talk to me again, but as soon as people were, I hated it. The only reason they were talking to me was because they thought I’d given up on being into guys and decided girls were better after all. They didn’t want to talk to me, they wanted to talk to the person they thought I was. There was a freshman boy called Neil who I’d heard rumours about. He didn’t get ostracised quite the way I had done because he wasn’t actually out but everyone had their suspicions. I just wanted people to stop bringing up what Jess and I had done, so I asked him to go with me to the Sadie Hawkins dance that was coming up. I didn’t think he would say yes. I assumed I’d get a punch in the gut and that within an hour it would be all round school that I was still gay and things would go back to normal. But he said yes and having asked him I couldn’t think of a way to get out of going. So we went to the dance and when we were leaving we got cornered by half the football team. I ended up with a few bruises, a split lip and a fractured wrist. Neil had a couple of cracked ribs and a broken ankle.
My parents pulled me out of school after that, enrolled me at Dalton. Everything looked like it would be okay. Then Jess turned up on my doorstep one afternoon last August crying her heart out and everything changed.”
“She was pregnant?” Kurt asked softly after a long pause. He was trying not to interrupt as he could see how much Blaine needed to talk through all this but the silence was becoming stifling and he needed to break it.
Blaine nodded.
“She was. She kept going back and forth between apologising, begging for help and telling me it was all my fault. Then she would apologise for blaming me and the whole cycle would start again. I promised I would stand by her, whatever she decided I’d be there for her. When our parents found out that decision was taken away from us.”
Kurt watched as tears pooled in Blaine’s eyes. He pulled Blaine tighter to him, encouraging the younger boy to rest his head on Kurt’s chest. When they were both comfortable, Blaine continued.
“We decided to tell both our parents together, we thought that way we could be there for each other and would only need to do it once and we hoped that they would all be less likely to over react if everyone was there. I managed to convince my parents to invite Jess and her family round for dinner. They hadn’t had a dinner party for a while so they thought it was a great idea, although it really took some convincing to get them not to turn it into a big party for half my Dad’s firm and their partners. We had dinner, Jess and I tidied up and put the dishwasher on while our parents sat in the lounge and talked, then we went in, sat down and told them everything.”
Blaine sighed to himself, lost in thought, the words now pouring out without his having any control over them.
“I don’t think they believed us to start with. Jess’ parents told her not to be stupid, that she had to be having sex to be pregnant and they would have noticed if she was having sex, especially if it was with me. My parents reminded me that I was gay and so of course I hadn’t had sex with my very female best friend. So we told them about the party, about the rumours at school, about what we had done. Then they exploded on us. Jess’ parents were pretty strict Catholics. My parents went to the same church as them but it was more for appearances than because they actually believed what they were being told. But Jess’ parent’s, they were pretty big on the whole sins of the flesh thing. They were furious with Jess for getting herself pregnant out of wedlock and even more so for ruining herself by allowing someone like me to get her pregnant at 16. They never made a secret of the fact they didn’t approve of my sexuality but they tolerated me because they liked my parents and because they knew Jess wouldn’t stand for them trying to keep us apart. In their eyes, I was the worst possible person who could have gotten their little girl pregnant. As least if I had been a nice straight boy they could have romanticised the story a bit, made it sound like the baby’s father was the love of Jess’ life and she’d just made a mistake because of how strongly she felt for him. They would never have been able to make that story stick with me as the father.”
“Why didn’t they just make Jess get rid of the baby?” Kurt asked softly. “Surely that would have solved everything; no one would ever have needed to know.”
Blaine shook his head emphatically.
“They were very firmly anti-abortion; I’d heard them talk about it a few times when the subject came up on the news. There was no way they would ever have even considered suggesting it. I don’t think Jess would have agreed to it even if they had. My parents suggested adoption but they had always been very vocal about the fact they didn’t agree with adoption either. They told Jess straight that she had messed up and she would have to live with the consequences and that that meant raising the baby on her own, as a single parent. They said that all babies belonged with their mothers and this was no exception. I offered to help, I wanted to be involved and I didn’t want Jess to have to do it alone, but all our parents were agreed that wasn’t going to happen. Her parents told me straight that I was to stay away from both Jess and the baby and if they found out I’d been anywhere near they would be going straight to the nearest police station and reporting me for raping their little girl. My dad pointed out they wouldn’t get very far with that since we were both minors when it happened, but it got their point across. He said it was for the best that I wasn’t involved; that this way I would be free to go to Dalton, be happy, finish school, go to college. I wouldn’t need to worry about bringing up a baby I wasn’t ready for or committing my life to someone I didn’t want to be with. He and Mom promised they would make sure Jess and the baby were taken care of financially, but I wasn’t to be involved. I just had to forget all about it and move on.”
“Wow.” Kurt exhaled slowly. “That’s quite a lot to take in all in one go.” He looked at Blaine and saw a look of hope in his eyes which was quickly dying out the longer Kurt stayed quiet. “Why didn’t you tell me all this sooner?” he asked softly, squeezing Blaine’s hand in a gesture of reassurance.
Blaine groaned in frustration as he thought about it.
“I don’t know.” He finally answered. “I wanted to. I thought about telling you so many times but I kept coming back to what my Dad said. Forget it and move on. Be happy. You made me happy Kurt. No, you make me happy. Every time I thought about telling you, I realised it would destroy everything and I couldn’t make myself do it. And every time I chickened out of telling you, I felt a little more guilty about it but then it made the thought of actually telling you even worse, because the longer I left it, the more of a big deal it would be. It was a stupid vicious circle that I couldn’t find a way out of.”
Kurt nodded his head, trying his hardest to understand this from Blaine’s point of view and not to let his emotions get the better of him. He loved Blaine but he couldn’t believe his boyfriend could keep something like this from him. It scared him and made him wonder what other secrets Blaine was keeping. He knew now wasn’t the time to bring this up with Blaine however. His boyfriend needed his support right now. There was obviously more to the story. Unfortunately he couldn’t control himself and ended up bombarding Blaine with a slew of questions.
“So what changed? Why did you turn up on my doorstep this evening with your daughter? And how have you even got her with you since you aren’t supposed to see her? Wh-” Blaine placed his finger gently against Kurt’s lips, silencing his stream of questions with a melancholy smile. Kurt looked down, frustrated with himself for not being able to keep quiet and with Blaine for not already having started answering his questions.
Blaine opened his mouth to speak but was interrupted by a shrill cry coming from the basket on the coffee table. Kurt found it hard to miss the look of panic that crossed Blaine’s face before he darted forwards to scoop the baby girl up into his arms, cooing and shushing her softly.
“Hey baby girl, what’s all the noise about?” he spoke to her, to keep calm but finding a slightly hysterical undertone creeping into his voice. Unfortunately his attentions didn’t seem to calm her and her cries just got louder and louder. Blaine’s bit his lip, trying to work out what was wrong with her but failing to come up with anything.
“What do you want Amelie? You’ve just had a nap, I fed you before we came here and changed your diaper, I don’t know what you need.” He felt tears in his eyes as he tried and failed to calm his little girl, sure that Kurt was thinking even worse of him now he could see what a terrible father he was - he couldn’t even stop his daughter from crying.
Kurt watched Blaine with a combination of compassion, pity and sorrow. Blaine looked so young; scared and lost with no idea what to do. Kurt hated seeing him like that. Without so much as a word he gently took Amelie from Blaine’s arms and stood, cradling her tight to his chest and bouncing her softly as he paced around the room.
“Hey there little girl, what’s all the fuss about?” He spoke softly, running a finger lightly up and down her cheek as he did so. “You’re upsetting your daddy you know. And between the two of us, I think he’s already upset enough without you scaring him like this.” He smiled in relief as the baby’s cries began to subside, the loud wails of a few moments ago fading to quiet whimpers.
“There we go, such a good girl for Uncle Kurt aren’t you?” Kurt adjusted her in his arms so her head was resting on his shoulder before sitting back down next to Blaine smiling at him reassuringly. Amelie just turned her head into Kurt’s neck and brought a thumb up and slipped it into her mouth.
Blaine for his part, sat there mouth wide open in shock trying to process what had just happened.
“How did you do that?!” He demanded quietly, conscious of the fact he didn’t want to disturb Amelie again.
Kurt shrugged with his free shoulder.
“After my Mom died my Aunt and Uncle used to look after me after school while my Dad was working at the garage. They have twins who were about Amelie’s age when my Mom died. My Aunt used to let me help her with them sometimes. She always said that calming a crying baby is all in the tone of voice you use - babies are like dogs, they can sense fear. As long as you sound confident, they should respond to you but the second they hear you panicking, you’ve lost the battle. It just takes practice.”
Blaine buried his face in his hands, groaning into them in despair.
“I am such a terrible father.” He moaned, voice muffled in his hands. He said something else too which Kurt couldn’t quite make out. It didn’t stop Kurt from shooting him down.
“Don’t say that.” He demanded firmly. “I know there is more that you haven’t told me yet, but I can tell you now you aren’t a terrible father. You’re just new at it. Amelie is here with you. She’s safe, warm, clean, fed. A terrible father wouldn’t have made sure of all that.”
Blaine looked up at Kurt, staring into his eyes with a haunted gaze.
“Would a good father have left himself and his daughter homeless?” He asked in a whisper.
“Homeless?” Kurt echoed. “You aren’t-”
Blaine nodded his head slowly, a lone tear rolling down his cheek. “I am. As of this morning, I am.”
Kurt felt dread settle in the pit of his stomach. This was it, the point of no return. Whatever Blaine was about to tell him was big and somehow he knew it was going to change things; for better or worse was yet to be determined.
“What happened Blaine?” He asked softly. “Please tell me.”
(Part 2)