And this is what I call random thoughts.
Другие записи: О стране по имени "Праздник". | It’s crying time again | День 2010.07.17, Точное время 15:23:00 | Курс реабилитации
It really was a great day today! My report in Filipino Philosophy--our final paper, and our major presentation in Theology were good! Jar and I were given a few minutes to present our paper. I was really clueless with what Ms. Sarza's reaction since we actually used the theories that I learned in Philippine Mass Media. I thought of proving the authenticity of music using Salazar's Pantayong Pananaw and Barthes' Death of the Author. I was really happy seeing that both the philosophy and PHM majors listening attentively at our report. It's fulfilling to see people that actually listen to you when you start to make sense. My TREDFOR report was a bit unsuccessful since the powerpoint that we prepared wasn't shown because of technical problems. I ended up giving my report verbally. Surprisingly, almost all of my classmates listened to me and I'm quite sure that they really are learning. I was also able to answer the other group's questions, as well as Sir's. It really feels good that my last week at DLSU reminded me that I'm actually good at something.
Way back in high school, Khiara and I used to host almost all the events in school--from religious events, to high school dance, to various contests and events in school. We were inseparable, yet we showed everyone that we can be good hosts individually. I hosted debuts, parties, and school events, and so does she. I may not have the perfect grammar or enunciation of words that a good speaker/host should have but I can establish rapport with my audience. Just like in the classroom, I can build a connection between me and my audience for them to easily grasp what I am actually saying. I proved myself wrong when I think that I do not have something to be proud of. This time, I'm proud that I can be a good speaker. From being a Lasallian Ambassador, the Student Council President, an outstanding student teacher in high school, and the batch valedictorian, it seems that I already made my trail. Just when I thought that I haven't done anything significant to my life, I actually had a number. From these realizations, I really felt good about myself.
For my last four regular school days here in La Salle, I am afraid that I can't even bid goodbye to my CBE-CCS friends: Patty, Jim, Kitten, Iahne, Cecil, Joyce, JP and Det. It's really sad to say that even if I had this skill of making a connection to a crowd, I guess I actually failed in making a connection to them. The Emman they knew was actually not the real me. It was a different side--the pessimistic, the quiet, the passive, and the less-talk person. It wasn't the real me that made the connection fail. As I define friendship as two way, they actually defined it based on the proximity and attendance in every hang outs they had. Unfortunately, I was absent in all their gimmicks, making me excluded as one of their friends.
I'm really disappointed with certain people with their promises of friendship. They actually forgot that I was waiting for them. I waited for their texts when I was alone eating lunch at Sports Complex. I was waiting when I stayed at the William Hall lobby skipping lunch. I was waiting when I needed comfort when times got rough. At the time that I needed them, they were not there. It's quite sad that I invested a lot in them, and yet I harvested nothing.
Looking at it positively, I really feel good when I hang out alone. Andrew told me that it is actually weird to eat alone. For me, it's being brave. Brave to tell everyone that I could do things regardless of the people I hang out with. I can make choices without them and I can be myself without their presence. I'm planning to spend one day for myself in a week--surfing the net in a coffee shop, stalling in various places. If I invest something in me, I would become someone better. I get to meet a lot of random people in places I go. I creatively think of my plans for the next day, week or month. In short, I'm not attached to anyone--even in close friendship or intimate relationship.
What's bad about this is I can't trace back my tracks in just one person. I need to ask each person that I bumped into to get to know what my tracks were. The best thing that I could possibly do when this happens is not to go back. From this, I'm forced to live each moment. That's the best option that I'm choosing right now since no one is staying--or perhaps right now where no one has proved that they are worthy of coming with me.