In the third paragraph, I wouldn't say "all" changed with him, since his change-thing was gradual throughout the game/social link and not so sudden as him meeting Naoto => changed forever.
I liked the info and such you gave on his fear of being judged, causing him to push others away with a harsher wardrobe and attitude. Because yeah.
And alskdfalskd XDDDD YOUR FIRST PERSON. IT IS AWESOME. I can hear his voice and pffft that is so something that would happen to him, poor guy.
riiiight, right right. Okay! Changed it so it now says gradually :>
heeee thank you! X3 I was kind of unsure for having it cut off at that point. But I didn't want to continue on any further or it would have just been long and drawn out and bleh. 8( But thanks~~
The second paragraph sounds kinda weird, but I think it's because of all the "you"s and stuff. It's like third person had a second person personality switcharoo.
But I love what it's about and baww ;3; it really shows Kanji's loyalty and love for the things he cares about, even if it means dealing with his phobia in a strange land.
Does this look better theeeen? Sighing loudly he walked on over to the closest bench and plunked down on it. Even though his body language was clearly giving off "do not talk to" signals one could tell there was something wrong with the teen. Despite his unreadable face and the fact that his arms were crossed one could just sense something had happened to get him into a sour mood.
asdgklsd;f thank you |D it had been something I was thinking about for a while 8|a
Comments 6
I liked the info and such you gave on his fear of being judged, causing him to push others away with a harsher wardrobe and attitude. Because yeah.
And alskdfalskd XDDDD YOUR FIRST PERSON. IT IS AWESOME. I can hear his voice and pffft that is so something that would happen to him, poor guy.
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heeee thank you! X3 I was kind of unsure for having it cut off at that point. But I didn't want to continue on any further or it would have just been long and drawn out and bleh. 8( But thanks~~
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the fuck is "waith"? XD
The second paragraph sounds kinda weird, but I think it's because of all the "you"s and stuff. It's like third person had a second person personality switcharoo.
But I love what it's about and baww ;3; it really shows Kanji's loyalty and love for the things he cares about, even if it means dealing with his phobia in a strange land.
Reply
Does this look better theeeen? Sighing loudly he walked on over to the closest bench and plunked down on it. Even though his body language was clearly giving off "do not talk to" signals one could tell there was something wrong with the teen. Despite his unreadable face and the fact that his arms were crossed one could just sense something had happened to get him into a sour mood.
asdgklsd;f thank you |D it had been something I was thinking about for a while 8|a
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And yes! And I think you need to add commas after "signals" and "crossed," if I'm getting my comma-usage right.
You're welcooooome~ it's good!
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okok! o7
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