Being In Love Is Twice As Hard
Disclaimers:
- The main fic being tackled in this mission is Being In Love Is Twice As Hard. It belongs to QueenOfTheDiamondDogs, and they can keep it. I certainly don’t want it.
- The PPC is not mine; it was created by Jay and Acacia.
- Lord of the Rings and all characters therein are the property of the great J. R. R. Tolkien.
- The Marquis de Sod, Bleeprin, Anti-Lustin, FicPsych etc. were invented by various PPCers and belong to the Boarders in general.
- Mini-Balrogs were created by Miss Cam.
- Architeuthis belongs to herself, although the Agent version of her is now mostly written by huinesoron, who is also the inventor of DOGA-modified CADs.
- Georgia and Kumori belong to oozaru_angel.
- The quote taken from the Legendary Badfic “legolas by Laura” is, unsurprisingly, by Laura.
- Nat, Cassie, Kelvin and the fic extract at the beginning of the report belong to me. I have no idea who the Agents tackling it are, though.
Warnings: Some strong language and violence. (I apologise for this. I had no idea my Agents were so prone to swearing. They were much more well-behaved when they first appeared…)
Author’s notes:
- The opening fic extract (the section in italics) is an AU of a LOTR fic that I was working on. This AU was created solely for the purpose of getting Kelvin into the PPC, and is meant to be a poor-quality piece. The spelling and grammatical mistakes are intentional. (So anyone who wants to tell me off about my apparent lack of writing skills can please take their complaints elsewhere. I do know what I’m doing.)
- Many thanks go to agenttrojie who helped me with the charges for the more explicit parts of this fic. Thanks also go to Buta no Kaabii for bringing this travesty to my attention in the first place. And, of course, to my lovely, lovely beta-reader tea_fiend, many thanks indeed.
The ellith moved through the moonligt trees as silently as any of her race, the moonlight burnishing her goldn hair and making her cerulaen eyes sparkle. Her companions were nearby, all as wary as she. This time not one enemy would be left alive to carrry tales back to Morgoth! The Sídhaeli were to weak to withstand a full invasion, but mre than strong enough to hold off scouting groups.
A perfect imitation of a skylark’s call brought everyone to a halt. Every eye ws on the princess, though they all knew the meaning of the sound. Orcs had been sighted and were approaching fast. She nodded once, sharply, and put an arrow on her bow. Quietly, but loud to be heard by her companions, Elandra said, “We won’t let these foul beasts go bakc to their master with stories about our country.”
Nearby, her younger brother nodded enthusiasticaly, watching his sister with pride. This was his first patrol, and he was glad to be fighting with his sister. He had always known that she was one of the best warriors of their people, despit her relative youth- she had not yet reached her 150 year.
The hideous vocalisations of the mishhapen creatures were soon heard as the two scouts returned. One of them hurried to Elandra. “Captain, there are lots more than usual- maybe we should attack now.”
She nodded and looked around. “Come on, let’s get these invaders before they get any further.” Celebralmir, her brother, was the first to leap to her side, his dark black hair blowing in the breze. “Let’s go,” he said proudly. She smiled at him, nodded to the others and leapt away through the trees.
As they travelled, the warriors began to spread out into more circular formation so that they could prevent any escape attempts. On sighting the enemy, every archer chose their position, pulled their bows from their backs and nocked an arrow. “Fire!” called Elandra. Thirty arrows flashed trough the air to rain death upon the Orcs.
The captain remained close to her brother, knowing that his cheerful recklesness would put him in more danger than the other warriors, all of whom had faced at least one figth before. One or two of the older warriors also hoovered nearby, as the siblings were the children of the rulers of their people and, therefore despite their skill, meritted extra protection.
The battle raged. Though only thirty in number, the Elven patrol were rapidly killling the Orcs. The animal like invaders however, were fighting back. They were not very good archers, but there were enough of them to keep up a constant thret and they came close to downing one or another of the patrol several times.
Celebralmir had been in the same place for several minuets, and was begining to attract ennemy fire from below. One smallish Orc took aim at the ellon’s back. Caching sight of this, another young warrior, only a little older than Celebralmir, leapt to his defence and took the arrow on his chest. The prince whipped round on hearing his friend’s cry of pain. His eyes widened with horor on seeing the warrior fall limply to the ground, where he was immediately sat upon by the Orcs.
Elandra who had also turned round, looked up into her brother’s face. As she watched, the happy, carefree young ellon vanished, and in his place stood a warrior, filed with rage and greif.
That, however, had thrown the “happy, carefree young ellon” into a plothole as his doppelganger took his place. He was almost certain, however, that just as he vanished from the battle, he saw a pair of Orcs dressed all in black taking careful aim at his sister.
Flailing wildly and yelling in panic, Celebralmir was unceremoniously dumped face-down onto a cold, very hard surface.
After groaning for a few moments at the impact, he slowly stood up and looked around at his new surroundings, rubbing the various bruises he’d picked up from the rough landing. The entire place was like nothing he’d seen before; a long, straight corridor built with some strange grey substance and lit by something he couldn't put a name to. “Where in the name of Ilúvatar am I?” he said aloud, not really expecting an answer. He almost jumped out of his skin when a voice from behind said calmly:
“You’re in the PPC Headquarters.”
Turning round and reaching for an arrow, Celebralmir found himself looking down at a woman of indeterminate age, dressed in black, with a strange emblem on her shoulder and a rather amused expression on her face. “What’s the PPC Headquarters?” he asked, looking around for a clue as to how he had arrived.
The woman shrugged and gestured at their surroundings. “This is. But before I go into any more detail, I’d like to know how you ended up here.”
Hoping that he might get an explanation for the frankly unnerving circumstances he had found himself in, Celebralmir told her as best he could what had happened to him. Once he had finished, the woman nodded. “I think you’d better come with me.”
“Where are we going?” he queried, slinging his bow across his back and falling into step beside her as she headed off along the corridor. He wouldn’t normally trust a complete stranger, but she was the only person he could find who seemed to know what was going on.
“We’re going to see the Marquis de Sod. He’ll assign you a post.”
“A post?”
“Yes, of course. You can’t go back to your fic, someone’ll be dealing with it. I’d go and investigate, but considering you’re here, and what you told me you saw, it’s already being sorted. I’m Architeuthis, by the way.”
“Dealing with it? Being sorted? What do you mean?” He was getting more than a little worried now. With a sigh, the Intelligence Agent began to explain things to him.
After listening to a rather hurried monologue on the functions and purposes of the PPC, Celebralmir was feeling a little rattled.
“So… my sister was one of these… Mary Sues?” he asked, feeling rather surprised that he wasn’t more upset.
“Yes, and from what you said, you were a minor Stu. Not a particularly bad one, which is lucky, because if you had been I’d have got it in the neck from Upstairs for recruiting you. Or you could have been caught by the DIA. They don’t stand for badfic characters wandering round HQ. And - oh, looks like we’re here.” She rapped on the door they had stopped outside. Celebralmir jumped at the odd ‘voice’ that came through.
Yes? What is it? I am quite busy, you know.
“New recruit, sir,” Architeuthis called back. “Minor Stu, landed up here via plothole.”
Ah. Bring him in, then. She opened the door and ushered her charge into the room. He almost leapt straight back out on catching sight of the being behind the desk.
“It’s a flower!”
“Yes, it’s a Flower,” Architeuthis said calmly, nudging the Elf further into the room. “He’s going to decide where you end up, so be polite.”
Agent Architeuthis, while you appear to have plenty of time on your hands, I don’t. Now please explain what is going on.
Knowing the Marquis’ temper, the Spy told him what she knew of her companion’s situation. The oversized daisy nodded and pulled out a thick stack of forms from a drawer in the desk, scribbling a few notes on a spare piece of paper and pushing the whole lot across the desk. Seeing as you have so much spare time, you can help him fill these in. The notes are his assigned RC and partners.
Thinking several things she definitely would not have said out loud (not in front of a superior, anyway), Architeuthis took the notes and glanced through them. “Er, sir, are you sure this is a good choice of partners? I mean, considering his -”
I’m sure the Agent in question will cope, the Marquis cut her off. And if she doesn’t, there are always the No-Drool Videos.
“Sir, I really -”
The sharp tone and clipped words were rather a surprise, even for the veteran Agent. I am quite busy. Do you understand that, Agent? There was a mental sigh as Architeuthis gaped at the Flower. Well, nobody claimed that Intelligence Agents were intelligent agents. Good day.
Having learned to know when the Flowers were dismissing her, Architeuthis picked up the stack of papers and left, leading the very confused Celebralmir.
A long while later, the long-time Spy and the new Assassin were walking down yet another corridor. They had spent a long time filling in the forms, then visiting the relevant Departments to pick up the necessary uniform and equipment. Architeuthis was more than a little annoyed at having been landed with a new Agent; all she had been doing in the first place was going to the Cafeteria. This meant that she was now quietly cursing anyone and anything she could think of, including the Flowers, a rather mild and inoffensive Agent she knew in the Department of Operations, and a table she’d stubbed her toe on earlier. The newly-renamed Kelvin was listening, rather fascinated by the range of language his companion was using.
Finally, after a series of words that the SO would not have been pleased to have directed at him, the frustrated Intelligence Agent was snapped out of her ranting by the tentative voice of her companion.
“Excuse me, but isn’t that the place we were looking for?”
“Eh?” Turning round, Architeuthis was only mildly surprised to see a vividly coloured sign stuck up on the door opposite her. Despite looking as though it had been attacked by a toddler wielding felt-tip pens, it proudly declared that the room was Response Centre #10, home to Agents Cassie Young and Nat Freidar, Department of Mary Sues, and that there were minis. “Ah. Okay then. Well, seeing as Legal finally decided to let us end up here, I’ll leave you to meet your new partners. See you around!” With that, she was off.
“Wait - who are they? And what - aaargh…” Kelvin trailed off as the woman vanished around a corner in the distance. Deciding to make the best of the situation, he knocked at the door bearing the colourful sign. There was a curious growl, followed by light scampering footsteps and heavier human ones.
“I’ll get it,” a girl’s voice groaned. “Hones’ly, even if the Flowers do ‘ate us, you’d think they’d appreciate that we need ta - oh. ‘Ello.”
The girl had opened the door and was now standing face-to-face with the Elf. She was unusually tall for a human, he noted, as she was only a few inches shorter than he was, but if it wasn’t for her voice he would have thought her a young man. They stood looking at each other for a few moments before the girl said, “Er, not ta be funny or anythin’, but who’re you?”
“My name is Celeb- Kelvin, sorry. Kelvin Talathion. I’ve been told I’m to be your new partner.”
“Right… er, I’m Nat.” She looked over her shoulder. “Cass! Get the Anti-Lustin out an’ give yourself a dose.”
“Why?” came a somewhat moody reply.
“Because this guy’s an Elf an’ I’m not ‘avin’ ya tryin’ ta glomp ‘im the second ‘e gets through the door.”
“Oh?” The voice suddenly sounded very interested.
“If I ‘ave ta come an’ do it myself…”
“Fine, fine, okay, I’m going.” Looking past Nat, Kelvin could see a somewhat shorter girl get up and go rifling through a cupboard. She found a device which he could not guess the purpose of and injected herself with it. After a few moments, she nodded. “Okay, let him in.”
Nat stepped out of the way and motioned for Kelvin to come in. He took a few steps and looked around, fascinated. Two small flaming creatures peered down at him from the top of a cupboard. This puzzled him for a moment - surely fire was a danger indoors - but both girls seemed quite unconcerned, so he let the matter lie. Nat had already flopped down in a chair by what he assumed was the “Console” somebody had mentioned to him, and the other girl, Cass, was eyeing him with great curiosity.
“So,” Cass said after a moment, “is there a reason for this visit, or did the Flowers just want to check that the Anti-Lustin’s working properly?”
“I - ah… I was assigned to this room by a flower… a daisy?”
“The Marquis,” she said, sharing a significant look with Nat. “He never bothered to tell us -”
[Bing.]
Nat spun her chair to face the console, tapped a button, and read the message that came up before announcing, “Seems they’re just as efficient as ever. Yeah, new partner. We ‘ave ta keep ‘im till ‘e gets a new partner and/or is considered able ta cope alone. An’ Cass, before ya get any ideas… ‘e’s added a note sayin’ that if ya don’t behave yourself, ‘e’ll be sendin’ ya up ta FicPsych for a course o’ No-Drool Videos.”
Cassie shuddered. “He knows how to put you off, doesn’t he?” With a shrug, she turned back to the bemused Elf. “Right. Seeing as whoever brought you here didn’t bother to introduce us, I’m Cassie. I’ll answer to Cass, Oi, or Hey You. That’s Nat sprawled out all over the chair. Don’t worry if you struggle to get what she says; nobody can understand her half the time.” She caught a cushion hurled in her direction and grinned. “And up there on the cupboard are Greenlead and Giml, our minis. Feed them bacon and eggs and they’ll pretty much leave you alone. And you are…?”
He blinked as she abruptly turned the conversation over to him. “I - ah. My name is… Kelvin Talathion,” he said, remembering the name Architeuthis had helped him decide on - or more precisely, talked him into. “I was once known as Celebralmir Vinyalassë Talathion.”
“Yeesh.” Nat shook her head. “You a Stu or somethin’?”
“I was,” he admitted. “According to the one who found me, I was a… a minor Stu who was replaced by plothole and ended up here.”
“Who was the main canon-breaker, then?” Cassie asked.
“My sister.”
“Should we have a look?” the smaller girl queried as she looked over at Nat. Kelvin cut in before Nat could reply, however.
“It was being dealt with when I was forced to leave,” he said quietly. Nat winced slightly.
“Sorry…”
He nodded, sat down on the seat indicated for him, and put the bag of equipment he’d been given earlier on the floor. Cassie, being completely unaware of what was being implied, said cheerfully, “Well, we got another agent out of it, so the Flowers can’t complain.” She leaned back in her seat, looking quite comfortable. Nat and the minis immediately covered their ears. Kelvin looked at them all.
“What-?”
[BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!]
The newbie agent yelled and covered his ears as Nat frantically scrambled to find the mute button. She slammed her fist down onto it and barked, “WHAT?” at the suddenly meekly silent console. Cassie, who had fallen out of her chair at the sound, got up and came over to look, scanning the summary briefly before almost jumping away from the console.
“M-rated? M-RATED? What the HELL?!”
“Since when do we cover explicit… THAT?!”
The two girls were staring at the screen and howling denials. This, understandably, was making Kelvin both confused and nervous. After a very short while, however, Cassie whipped away from the screen and lunged for her backpack. “I. Am. Going. To. Kill. Her. Painfully.” She grabbed the bag, swung round and ran for the table on which most of their equipment was piled, almost whacking Kelvin in the process. It was only then that either girl remembered their new travelling companion.
“Oh, damn.” Cassie looked between her two partners. “Is it a good idea to take him?”
Nat shrugged. “May as well. It’s not like ‘e’ll see somethin’ ‘e won’t ever see again.”
“I am here, you know,” the ellon objected. “I can make my own decisions.”
“Ya don’t decide ta come on a mission,” Nat replied. “You either go, or…” She thought for a moment. “Well, ya go. Upstairs doesn’t exac’ly encourage skivin’ off.” Her attitude became businesslike as she eyed his weapons. “Can ya use those?”
“I can, yes,” was the slightly nettled answer. His longbow was slung across his back, he had a full quiver of arrows, and his sword was hanging by his side. He wasn’t exactly helpless. Evidently, the other two didn’t feel the same way, as they stuffed various metal articles and strange packages into their bags before putting the backpacks on and strapping on their weapons.
Nat tapped out a few commands on the keyboard. “What disguises?” she asked Cassie.
“Elves. The entire thing takes place in Mirkwood and Lothlorien.”
“‘Kay.”
“Oh, and did you pick up a new CAD?”
There was a long-suffering sigh from Nat’s direction. “Yes, I did.” The article in question was extracted from her backpack, waved around briefly as evidence, and then stuffed back in. She entered a few more commands into the console, and the portal opened.
Cassie examined Kelvin critically. “You sure you’re going to be okay with this?”
“I’ll be fine.” In truth, he was feeling rather nervous, as he didn’t know anything about what he was going to face, but surely it had to be better than Orcs.
It should be noted at this point that Architeuthis had neglected to mention either the Narrative Laws of Comedy or the Ironic Overpower to him during their time together.
Nat shook her head. “If you’re sure, then…” She stepped through the portal, her appearance altering to the form of an Elf - in her case, the only noticeable changes were the shape of her ears and the length of her hair. Cassie grinned at Kelvin and gestured for him to go through. Uncertainly, he complied, but stepping through the portal made him a little uneasy, particularly as his last experience of such things had been less than pleasant. He shivered…
And then stumbled in shock as the sound of a disclaimer and author’s notes thundered around them.
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the Lord of the Rings characters as they belong to Professor Tolkien! Although I do own the character of Elbereth but not the name.
Pairings: Haldir/OC and Legolas/OC.
Based: Basing it on the books and the films but mainly the films.
Rating: M (For future chapters.)
Be nice when reviewing as it is my first! :D
“I’ll give you a bloody review all right,” Cassie hissed as she uncovered her ears, unclipped her pen from the notebook she carried, flicked the book open and began scrawling. Meanwhile, Kelvin was staring around at the vague space they were standing in.
“What is this place?”
“It’s undefined - the author hasn’t given it any description, so there’s nothing to see,” Nat replied, revealing how noticeably her accent had been altered by the disguise generator. They all winced at the sound of screaming as the scene of Arwen giving birth materialised.
"Push, my Lady." The midwife spoke over Arwen's screams. "Nearly there." As another helper dabbed her head with a wet cloth. Arwen couldn't barely speak only groans came from her. "Now, my Lady. Push!" Arwen does so. "Push!" Finally the baby is born and cries escaped from it.
"A girl." Lifting her up and showing her to Arwen.
The agents watched the badly-described scene with some embarrassment, trying to concentrate their attention anywhere but on Arwen’s lower half. When the tense shifts hit, though, they winced -
- and try to ignore the fact that they -
- were moving between past and present rather painfully, until Kelvin -
- stares at Nat’s backpack bemusedly. “Why is your bag making that odd sound?” he -
- asked. Nat -
- shrugs it off and -
- took out her new CAD, wincing as she was sent through the changing tenses. “This isn’t the type I had before…” she -
- muses, examining it. It -
- was beeping and displaying a message. [Unstable tenses detected. Revert Agents to permanent past tense Y/N?] Nat -
- hits “Y” quickly and -
- sighed with relief as she felt the past tense settling around her. “That’s better. I must find out what model this is. It’s very useful,” she added, examining the little capsule welded onto the side and setting the volume control to mute as an afterthought before tucking it back into her rucksack. She hoisted the bag back on and reached out with amazing speed to grab Cassie as the smaller woman attempted to go for Arwen’s throat. “What’s she done?” Nat asked, almost resignedly.
“She called her Elbereth!” Cassie hissed. Kelvin turned and stared at Arwen, who was currently Cooing over her newborn.
“But Elbereth is -”
“I know!”
“Let me guess,” Nat said, absently pinning Cassie in a headlock. “Elbereth’s a Canon and the Sue stole the name.”
“Yes.” Cassie stopped struggling and, once Nat had relaxed her grip, wriggled free. “Elbereth’s one of the bloody Valar.” She scribbled down a few more charges. Nat pulled a face at Kelvin.
“You get used to it after a while. Oh, and keep an eye on Cass. Grab her if you see her going for any Canons.”
“What are Canons?” Kelvin asked. Nat sighed.
“They didn’t give you any training, evidently. Okay, Canons are the characters who’re meant to exist in this world. The Valar, Arwen, those kind of people. The Sue is the one who -”
“- who makes them all ‘out of character’, am I right?”
“Yeah.” Nat looked mildly impressed. “Where’d you pick that up?”
“The person who found me gave me a little explanation of what killing Sues is about,” he told her, before yelping in surprise as the passage of time was loudly announced.
Three years later
“Elbereth.” Called a female voice. “Come here.” She was walking through a forest, a forest with trees of great stature. They were tall enough to reach the sun.
A featureless woman was walking through a forest of impossibly tall trees, which the Agents quickly ducked behind, groaning a little from the time jump. Nat took a glance at Cassie’s notebook. The first page was already close to being filled.
“You have really awful handwriting, you know that?”
“Shut up,” Cassie replied absently, glaring at the abnormal trees, which were already being charred from the top down due to their unnatural proximity to the sun. They watched the faceless woman and the three-year-old Sue play a very quick game of hide-and-seek before the unknown woman was identified as Arwen. At that point, Arwen, Elbereth and the unnamed guard began walking to the edge of the forest. The Agents hurried to follow, hiding among the trees. Nat spent the walk telling Kelvin about the Canons who turned up most often in LOTR fics, while Cassie kept kicking inoffensive trees and trying to edge close enough to the characters to throw something at the Sue.
On reaching the destination, Arwen woke the now-sleeping Elbereth up and had her go and play for a while. Nat pointed this out. “We’ve got an hour, so what shall we do?”
“We could play cards,” Cassie replied, distracted from searching for stones to throw. “Look, I’ve got a pack in my bag, and someone taught me this game…” She rummaged in her backpack and produced a slightly battered set of playing cards.
After an hour of teaching her partners how to play Egyptian Rat-Screw, Cassie seemed to be in a much better mood. This was mostly because she knew the rules and kept winning. There was a little commotion over by the characters which caught her attention, and immediately she scooped the cards up, put them away, and whipped out her notebook again.
Absently twirling a lock of her hair around her fingers, Nat flashed a grin at the bemused Kelvin. “One thing I will say, you never have to write the charges with Cass along.”
He considered this for a moment. “Wouldn’t that make it a little awkward if she couldn’t come for some reason? I mean, if you’re not used to writing them yourself?”
Nat waved this question off airily. “Nah, that’s not gonna happen. It’ll be fine. Plus, she spots charges I wouldn’t know existed, and Upstairs doesn’t like it when we skip charges.” She leaned back and watched the little family reunion nearby, rolling her eyes at the dialogue.
“Aragorn, I know this is a shock but this is your daughter, Elbereth.”
“Elbereth?” Looking from Arwen to his newly discovered child. “How old is she?”
Arwen went to speak but a small voice from her arms spoke, “I am 3!”
“Ah!” Aragorn spoke in a joking voice. “Almost a lady!”
“I am not! I am a little elleth!” Smiling at him. “Are you my Adar?”
He looked at Arwen, who was just smiling. “I am, my little one.” At that moment Elbereth flew from her mother's arms and into her father's, who brought her close to him and kissed her hair. “My little one.”
Nat had to bite down on her sleeve to keep from breaking into audible giggles as Elbereth briefly sprouted wings and flew from Arwen to Aragorn, neither of whom seemed to notice. The Agent glanced at her partners, one scowling at and the other looking rather stunned by the Sue’s apparent power of shape-shifting.
Seeing that Nat wasn’t going to be much help, as she was busy eating her sleeve from what Cassie could see, the bespectacled Agent decided to offer the newest addition to the team a quick clarification. “If the Words are garbled enough, or the canon’s stretched too thin, the story starts taking everything literally. Judging by what we just saw, I’m guessing this is one of those fics.”
They all jumped as the next chapter began with a rather childish-sounding voice reading the author’s notes.
A/N: I don't own anything! La la la la la! The usual! Also I am not including Elvish cos it's really hard to translate! I'm doing my best! :D
“No, you’re not,” Cassie began, but Nat cut her off.
“Shut up, you loon, they’re right there.” The taller girl indicated Arwen and the Sue, who were having a conversation in an undefined indoor space not far away.
“But my young ling, it is dangerous there.”
The determined five year old was having none of it. “My Adar will protect me. He told you that.”
“When did you hear him tell me that?” Raising an eyebrow at her and folding her arms.
“When he was last here. He told you that he would protect us both no matter what.” Smirking at her mother.
“Elbereth! You and your sharp ears!” Smiling at her. “Of course you may go but you are to listen to everything your father tells you. Do not argue with him. He is there to make sure you are not to get hurt.”
Kelvin shook his head. “Is that the kind of conversation you’d expect?”
“I dunno,” Nat responded. “The words are about right, but some of the phrases are a bit off.”
“Can I be hearing this?” Cassie butted in. “Natalya Freidar is actually paying attention to canonical speech patterns?” She didn’t duck in time, and thus ended up getting smacked across the back of the head. “Ow!”
“Shhh!”
“You hit me,” she complained, rubbing at her head, though the blow had been rather gentle. “What was I supposed to do, thank you?”
“You know not to call me that,” was the only reply. Cassie huffed and turned back to her notebook.
“Are all Agents this violent towards each other?” enquired Kelvin, who was watching the squabble with interest.
“Only if one of them’s acting like an idiot.” Nat yawned. “Not to mention there’s an old rumour about Upstairs deliberately putting people with opposite personalities together - probably so that they drive each other batty quicker.”
“Batty?” He blinked.
“Mad,” Cassie put in, not looking up from the notebook, which was now sporting one charge that appeared to be almost all capitals. She finished the sentence with a few vicious strokes of her pen and turned to watch the fic playing out. Some time during the brief argument, the scene had changed into an Undefined Forest.
Elbereth turned on her heel, walking over to her father who lifted her onto his horse and soon joining her. “I shall be home soon mother!” Waving at her.
“I will protect her Arwen. She will not leave my side.” Looking into her eyes to reassure her. Elbereth looked between her parents and could see that they truly loved each other but she just smiled.
“Let's go Adar. I need my adventure.” Aragorn laughed again and just kicked his horse and they flew out of the forest.
Once again Nat’s speed stopped Cassie from diving towards the characters as Aragorn briefly abused his horse, which then turned into a pegasus as it left the Undefined Forest. “For God’s sake, woman, will you calm down?” Nat puffed as she tried to pin her friend’s right arm. “Oi, what’syername, Kelvin, give us a hand!”
The ellon tentatively caught hold of Cassie’s flailing arm as she tried to grab his sword, but quickly gripped tighter when it nearly escaped again. He helped Nat haul the struggling Agent behind a Generic Tree and out of Arwen’s view, but winced when the taller girl delivered a solid smack to her partner’s cheek.
“You are going to get us caught, you maniac.”
Cassie glared. “Just let me kill her then.”
“Are you completely mad? We haven’t even got through the second chapter yet.”
“And?”
“Don’t argue with me, Cass,” Nat said in a wearied tone. Cassie grumbled, more for effect than anything else, but stopped struggling. Once released, she huffily pulled out her Remote Activator, poked at it for a bit and finally managed to open a portal to Mirkwood. They all stepped through, and found themselves in yet another undescribed room, where the Sue was busy pestering Aragorn.
“But Adar! The sun is awake in her sky and that's when we are meant to be awake too.” Grabbing his shoulders and shaking them with all the strength the five year old had in her little body. “Please!”
Aragorn simply groaned and placed his arms around her. “Please little one, five more minutes!”
“No!” She wrestled his arms off of her. “Please! I am fully awake now and so are you! You are just pretending to sleep.”
“Well.” Cassie blinked. “This one’s read the books. She knows what gender the sun is, anyway.”
“Is that good or bad?” Kelvin asked.
“Oh, it’s bad, usually,” was the answer he got. “It means they have enough knowledge not to make stupid things like this up, but they do it anyway.”
“Ah.” He clearly didn’t get it.
Cassie shook her head and gave him a smile. “Remind me to lend you the books when we get back to HQ, then you’ll have more of an idea what I mean.” He nodded.
“Uh, Cass?” Nat had been reading ahead, squinting at the Words behind the scene.
“What?”
“What year did Gollum get to Mirkwood?”
“Um…” Cassie had to stop and think about it for a moment. “3017, Third Age, the same year he escaped from Mordor. Why?”
“Because according to the author’s notes for chapter four, our Sue was born in 2991. Five years ago.”
Adjusting her glasses, Cassie considered this. “So it’s 2996 now. And?”
Nat just pointed to where Aragorn and Legolas were talking.
“I heard the news. How did it happen?”
Legolas smiled at the two and began his story, “The creature was allowed time amongst the trees but somehow escaped from our grasp. We tracked him but lost the tracks soon.” Shaking his head. “There is no telling where he is now.”
The smaller girl stared, then nearly choked. “SHE MADE-” Cutting herself off as she received a hurried jab in the ribs, she forced her voice down to an enraged whisper. “She made Gollum get to Mirkwood twenty-one years early?!"
“Looks like it.” Nat glanced at Kelvin, and gave him an approving smile when she saw he was tensed to grab Cassie if she attempted to go for the canons. Fortunately for everyone involved, the infuriated young woman seemed more concerned with writing down the charge as angrily as she could without ripping the paper. Once that was done, she spent the rest of the scene watching and recording the charges. Meanwhile, Nat rummaged in her bag and produced a couple of chocolate bars. She offered one to Kelvin, who examined it curiously.
“It’s food,” she explained. “Look, you open it like this, and then…” She opened and took a bite out of her own to demonstrate. “‘s good,” she added through the mouthful. After a few moments, he followed her example, though opening the wrapper gave him a bit of trouble.
Cassie suddenly yelped, “Chapter change!” and covered her ears. The other two followed suit, but that didn't stop them hearing the Vox Dei-style author’s notes.
OI!! If you are reading this, please, please review! :D :D :D :D
Disclaimer: Yeah yeah I don't own any familiar characters, they belong to the greatest author!
A/N: I have rated this story M because of future chapters. You will be warned before hand though!
“Oh, well, that makes everything better,” said Cassie as she leaned back against her bag. “At least we get warned before Hand does, whoever that is.”
“Cass?”
“Yes?”
“This isn’t the Satellite of Love, you know.”
“The who-ha?”
“You know, Mystery Science Theatre?”
“Oh, that. Should I care?”
“Yes.”
“Why?”
“Because this isn’t an MST, you flaming pillock, it’s a mission.”
“Um, excuse me?” Kelvin said tentatively. “I don’t mean to interrupt, but would that man really be doing that?” He indicated the scene nearby, where Aragorn was teaching the Sue how to fight with a dagger. Neatly distracted from the argument, which wasn't going her way anyway, Cassie took one glance at the scenario and growled.
“No, he bloody wouldn’t. Nobody’s stupid enough to hand a weapon to a five-year-old.”
“He is,” Nat pointed out lazily, making herself comfortable and indicating Aragorn. “Look, he’s done it.”
“Nat?”
“Hm?”
“Shut up for five minutes.”
“Can do.” The young woman examined her watch intently, obviously intending to time how long she was going to remain silent. Cassie groaned.
“You’re an idiot.” When Nat just gave her a radiant smile in return, the older girl rolled her eyes and went back to glaring at the fighting lesson. As the lesson covered most of the morning, this gave everyone some time to relax, and they took full advantage of it. Bored with winding her friend up for the moment, Nat dozed on and off, although she kept an eye on her companions. Cassie was kept busy answering Kelvin’s questions about HQ, Canon and LOTR, but the gleam that was coming into her eye made the ellon very wary of getting too close to her.
When Legolas arrived to deliver a message from his father, everyone’s attention was called back to the fic - and Cassie, who began inching towards the new arrival as soon as he appeared.
“Oh, no, you don’t,” Nat said calmly as she grabbed her partner’s foot and hauled her back. “No lusting, remember.” Rummaging through her bag, the tall girl produced a syringe and quickly injected the contents into Cassie’s leg, which she still had a firm grip on.
“Ow!”
“Just trying to help,” Nat said innocently, putting the syringe away. She grinned at Kelvin. “Anti-Lustin. Trust me, if you work in Lord of the Rings with Cass, you’ll need it.” Cassie pulled herself free, brushed off the grass that had gathered on her, and sulked. She grabbed her notebook and entered another charge, mostly for something to do while ostentatiously (and rather childishly) Not Talking to Nat.
“Does this happen a lot?” Kelvin asked quietly, wondering whether he’d have to sit through the bickering every mission.
“It depends,” Nat replied, watching Aragorn ask Legolas to take over teaching Elbereth archery while he went off to talk to Thranduil. “Cass isn’t generally this bad, but she doesn’t react very well to grammatical mistakes, and with a Sue this bad on top, well… I guess she just hasn’t hardened up enough yet. Our last few missions haven’t been particularly bad ones, so there’s not been so much for her to get moody about.”
They were interrupted by Cassie suddenly getting up and shrugging on her backpack. “They’re moving,” was all she said before striding off after Legolas, who was now giving the Sue a piggyback down to the archery range. The other two hurried to follow her.
The walk to the range was not long. “That was quick.”
“Yes.” He laughed as he set her down. “Right here we are.” Presenting her with a small bow and arrow. “I know it's small but when you grow older you will be able to get a bigger one. This is my gift to you.”
She took the present from him with silent delight. “Thank you. I will treasure it for life.”
“Right shall we start?” He began, like her father, with the basics such as footing, arm and hand positions.
“Legolas?” As she fired her latest arrow just missing the centre. “Ah! So close!”
“Well concentrate Elbereth! Less talking and more concentration on your practice. And what is it?”
Lowering her weapon and turning to face him. “Why do you call my Adar 'Estel'?”
“That is one of his names. He has many your Adar but when he was living with your grandfather, Lord Elrond, as a young boy he was given that name. It means hope.”
“I know it does!” Tutting at him. “I just do not understand why.”
“When you are older he will tell you. Now.” Putting his hands on her shoulders and turning her to face her target. “Practice makes perfect.” She fired her next arrow which hit the dead centre. “See!”
“I did it! I did it!” Jumping up and down clapping her hands.
“Someone pass me a bucket,” Cassie groaned.
“I don't have any of those,” Nat replied, “but you’ve got some Bleeprin.” This prompted a frantic scramble for the bottle of pills, which was rapidly emptied.
“Badfic sucks,” the shorter girl complained quietly once she’d finished.
“It’d suck a lot more if a story took over Canon completely.”
“Well, duh - oh, Aragorn’s back.” The trio watched as the Ranger informed his daughter that they would have to leave.
Her face drops. “But we only just got here.” Tears began to form in her eyes.
Due to the canon being so strained, the fic was talking everything literally, and so the Sue’s face fell off completely. This went unnoticed by the characters, but caused two out of the three PPC Agents to have to hide behind a vaguely defined tree and muffle their hysterical laughter with their jackets in order to avoid attracting attention. By the time they recovered, Aragorn was busy ‘packing his horse’. Deciding not to lounge around for the next hour, and also hoping to avoid the author’s notes, the Agents made an executive decision to portal to the next chapter.
Part Two here.
- The main fic being tackled in this mission is Being In Love Is Twice As Hard. It belongs to QueenOfTheDiamondDogs, and they can keep it. I certainly don’t want it.
- The PPC is not mine; it was created by Jay and Acacia.
- Lord of the Rings and all characters therein are the property of the great J. R. R. Tolkien.
- The Marquis de Sod, Bleeprin, Anti-Lustin, FicPsych etc. were invented by various PPCers and belong to the Boarders in general.
- Mini-Balrogs were created by Miss Cam.
- Architeuthis belongs to herself, although the Agent version of her is now mostly written by huinesoron, who is also the inventor of DOGA-modified CADs.
- Georgia and Kumori belong to oozaru_angel.
- The quote taken from the Legendary Badfic “legolas by Laura” is, unsurprisingly, by Laura.
- Nat, Cassie, Kelvin and the fic extract at the beginning of the report belong to me. I have no idea who the Agents tackling it are, though.
Warnings: Some strong language and violence. (I apologise for this. I had no idea my Agents were so prone to swearing. They were much more well-behaved when they first appeared…)
Author’s notes:
- The opening fic extract (the section in italics) is an AU of a LOTR fic that I was working on. This AU was created solely for the purpose of getting Kelvin into the PPC, and is meant to be a poor-quality piece. The spelling and grammatical mistakes are intentional. (So anyone who wants to tell me off about my apparent lack of writing skills can please take their complaints elsewhere. I do know what I’m doing.)
- Many thanks go to agenttrojie who helped me with the charges for the more explicit parts of this fic. Thanks also go to Buta no Kaabii for bringing this travesty to my attention in the first place. And, of course, to my lovely, lovely beta-reader tea_fiend, many thanks indeed.
The ellith moved through the moonligt trees as silently as any of her race, the moonlight burnishing her goldn hair and making her cerulaen eyes sparkle. Her companions were nearby, all as wary as she. This time not one enemy would be left alive to carrry tales back to Morgoth! The Sídhaeli were to weak to withstand a full invasion, but mre than strong enough to hold off scouting groups.
A perfect imitation of a skylark’s call brought everyone to a halt. Every eye ws on the princess, though they all knew the meaning of the sound. Orcs had been sighted and were approaching fast. She nodded once, sharply, and put an arrow on her bow. Quietly, but loud to be heard by her companions, Elandra said, “We won’t let these foul beasts go bakc to their master with stories about our country.”
Nearby, her younger brother nodded enthusiasticaly, watching his sister with pride. This was his first patrol, and he was glad to be fighting with his sister. He had always known that she was one of the best warriors of their people, despit her relative youth- she had not yet reached her 150 year.
The hideous vocalisations of the mishhapen creatures were soon heard as the two scouts returned. One of them hurried to Elandra. “Captain, there are lots more than usual- maybe we should attack now.”
She nodded and looked around. “Come on, let’s get these invaders before they get any further.” Celebralmir, her brother, was the first to leap to her side, his dark black hair blowing in the breze. “Let’s go,” he said proudly. She smiled at him, nodded to the others and leapt away through the trees.
As they travelled, the warriors began to spread out into more circular formation so that they could prevent any escape attempts. On sighting the enemy, every archer chose their position, pulled their bows from their backs and nocked an arrow. “Fire!” called Elandra. Thirty arrows flashed trough the air to rain death upon the Orcs.
The captain remained close to her brother, knowing that his cheerful recklesness would put him in more danger than the other warriors, all of whom had faced at least one figth before. One or two of the older warriors also hoovered nearby, as the siblings were the children of the rulers of their people and, therefore despite their skill, meritted extra protection.
The battle raged. Though only thirty in number, the Elven patrol were rapidly killling the Orcs. The animal like invaders however, were fighting back. They were not very good archers, but there were enough of them to keep up a constant thret and they came close to downing one or another of the patrol several times.
Celebralmir had been in the same place for several minuets, and was begining to attract ennemy fire from below. One smallish Orc took aim at the ellon’s back. Caching sight of this, another young warrior, only a little older than Celebralmir, leapt to his defence and took the arrow on his chest. The prince whipped round on hearing his friend’s cry of pain. His eyes widened with horor on seeing the warrior fall limply to the ground, where he was immediately sat upon by the Orcs.
Elandra who had also turned round, looked up into her brother’s face. As she watched, the happy, carefree young ellon vanished, and in his place stood a warrior, filed with rage and greif.
That, however, had thrown the “happy, carefree young ellon” into a plothole as his doppelganger took his place. He was almost certain, however, that just as he vanished from the battle, he saw a pair of Orcs dressed all in black taking careful aim at his sister.
Flailing wildly and yelling in panic, Celebralmir was unceremoniously dumped face-down onto a cold, very hard surface.
After groaning for a few moments at the impact, he slowly stood up and looked around at his new surroundings, rubbing the various bruises he’d picked up from the rough landing. The entire place was like nothing he’d seen before; a long, straight corridor built with some strange grey substance and lit by something he couldn't put a name to. “Where in the name of Ilúvatar am I?” he said aloud, not really expecting an answer. He almost jumped out of his skin when a voice from behind said calmly:
“You’re in the PPC Headquarters.”
Turning round and reaching for an arrow, Celebralmir found himself looking down at a woman of indeterminate age, dressed in black, with a strange emblem on her shoulder and a rather amused expression on her face. “What’s the PPC Headquarters?” he asked, looking around for a clue as to how he had arrived.
The woman shrugged and gestured at their surroundings. “This is. But before I go into any more detail, I’d like to know how you ended up here.”
Hoping that he might get an explanation for the frankly unnerving circumstances he had found himself in, Celebralmir told her as best he could what had happened to him. Once he had finished, the woman nodded. “I think you’d better come with me.”
“Where are we going?” he queried, slinging his bow across his back and falling into step beside her as she headed off along the corridor. He wouldn’t normally trust a complete stranger, but she was the only person he could find who seemed to know what was going on.
“We’re going to see the Marquis de Sod. He’ll assign you a post.”
“A post?”
“Yes, of course. You can’t go back to your fic, someone’ll be dealing with it. I’d go and investigate, but considering you’re here, and what you told me you saw, it’s already being sorted. I’m Architeuthis, by the way.”
“Dealing with it? Being sorted? What do you mean?” He was getting more than a little worried now. With a sigh, the Intelligence Agent began to explain things to him.
After listening to a rather hurried monologue on the functions and purposes of the PPC, Celebralmir was feeling a little rattled.
“So… my sister was one of these… Mary Sues?” he asked, feeling rather surprised that he wasn’t more upset.
“Yes, and from what you said, you were a minor Stu. Not a particularly bad one, which is lucky, because if you had been I’d have got it in the neck from Upstairs for recruiting you. Or you could have been caught by the DIA. They don’t stand for badfic characters wandering round HQ. And - oh, looks like we’re here.” She rapped on the door they had stopped outside. Celebralmir jumped at the odd ‘voice’ that came through.
Yes? What is it? I am quite busy, you know.
“New recruit, sir,” Architeuthis called back. “Minor Stu, landed up here via plothole.”
Ah. Bring him in, then. She opened the door and ushered her charge into the room. He almost leapt straight back out on catching sight of the being behind the desk.
“It’s a flower!”
“Yes, it’s a Flower,” Architeuthis said calmly, nudging the Elf further into the room. “He’s going to decide where you end up, so be polite.”
Agent Architeuthis, while you appear to have plenty of time on your hands, I don’t. Now please explain what is going on.
Knowing the Marquis’ temper, the Spy told him what she knew of her companion’s situation. The oversized daisy nodded and pulled out a thick stack of forms from a drawer in the desk, scribbling a few notes on a spare piece of paper and pushing the whole lot across the desk. Seeing as you have so much spare time, you can help him fill these in. The notes are his assigned RC and partners.
Thinking several things she definitely would not have said out loud (not in front of a superior, anyway), Architeuthis took the notes and glanced through them. “Er, sir, are you sure this is a good choice of partners? I mean, considering his -”
I’m sure the Agent in question will cope, the Marquis cut her off. And if she doesn’t, there are always the No-Drool Videos.
“Sir, I really -”
The sharp tone and clipped words were rather a surprise, even for the veteran Agent. I am quite busy. Do you understand that, Agent? There was a mental sigh as Architeuthis gaped at the Flower. Well, nobody claimed that Intelligence Agents were intelligent agents. Good day.
Having learned to know when the Flowers were dismissing her, Architeuthis picked up the stack of papers and left, leading the very confused Celebralmir.
A long while later, the long-time Spy and the new Assassin were walking down yet another corridor. They had spent a long time filling in the forms, then visiting the relevant Departments to pick up the necessary uniform and equipment. Architeuthis was more than a little annoyed at having been landed with a new Agent; all she had been doing in the first place was going to the Cafeteria. This meant that she was now quietly cursing anyone and anything she could think of, including the Flowers, a rather mild and inoffensive Agent she knew in the Department of Operations, and a table she’d stubbed her toe on earlier. The newly-renamed Kelvin was listening, rather fascinated by the range of language his companion was using.
Finally, after a series of words that the SO would not have been pleased to have directed at him, the frustrated Intelligence Agent was snapped out of her ranting by the tentative voice of her companion.
“Excuse me, but isn’t that the place we were looking for?”
“Eh?” Turning round, Architeuthis was only mildly surprised to see a vividly coloured sign stuck up on the door opposite her. Despite looking as though it had been attacked by a toddler wielding felt-tip pens, it proudly declared that the room was Response Centre #10, home to Agents Cassie Young and Nat Freidar, Department of Mary Sues, and that there were minis. “Ah. Okay then. Well, seeing as Legal finally decided to let us end up here, I’ll leave you to meet your new partners. See you around!” With that, she was off.
“Wait - who are they? And what - aaargh…” Kelvin trailed off as the woman vanished around a corner in the distance. Deciding to make the best of the situation, he knocked at the door bearing the colourful sign. There was a curious growl, followed by light scampering footsteps and heavier human ones.
“I’ll get it,” a girl’s voice groaned. “Hones’ly, even if the Flowers do ‘ate us, you’d think they’d appreciate that we need ta - oh. ‘Ello.”
The girl had opened the door and was now standing face-to-face with the Elf. She was unusually tall for a human, he noted, as she was only a few inches shorter than he was, but if it wasn’t for her voice he would have thought her a young man. They stood looking at each other for a few moments before the girl said, “Er, not ta be funny or anythin’, but who’re you?”
“My name is Celeb- Kelvin, sorry. Kelvin Talathion. I’ve been told I’m to be your new partner.”
“Right… er, I’m Nat.” She looked over her shoulder. “Cass! Get the Anti-Lustin out an’ give yourself a dose.”
“Why?” came a somewhat moody reply.
“Because this guy’s an Elf an’ I’m not ‘avin’ ya tryin’ ta glomp ‘im the second ‘e gets through the door.”
“Oh?” The voice suddenly sounded very interested.
“If I ‘ave ta come an’ do it myself…”
“Fine, fine, okay, I’m going.” Looking past Nat, Kelvin could see a somewhat shorter girl get up and go rifling through a cupboard. She found a device which he could not guess the purpose of and injected herself with it. After a few moments, she nodded. “Okay, let him in.”
Nat stepped out of the way and motioned for Kelvin to come in. He took a few steps and looked around, fascinated. Two small flaming creatures peered down at him from the top of a cupboard. This puzzled him for a moment - surely fire was a danger indoors - but both girls seemed quite unconcerned, so he let the matter lie. Nat had already flopped down in a chair by what he assumed was the “Console” somebody had mentioned to him, and the other girl, Cass, was eyeing him with great curiosity.
“So,” Cass said after a moment, “is there a reason for this visit, or did the Flowers just want to check that the Anti-Lustin’s working properly?”
“I - ah… I was assigned to this room by a flower… a daisy?”
“The Marquis,” she said, sharing a significant look with Nat. “He never bothered to tell us -”
[Bing.]
Nat spun her chair to face the console, tapped a button, and read the message that came up before announcing, “Seems they’re just as efficient as ever. Yeah, new partner. We ‘ave ta keep ‘im till ‘e gets a new partner and/or is considered able ta cope alone. An’ Cass, before ya get any ideas… ‘e’s added a note sayin’ that if ya don’t behave yourself, ‘e’ll be sendin’ ya up ta FicPsych for a course o’ No-Drool Videos.”
Cassie shuddered. “He knows how to put you off, doesn’t he?” With a shrug, she turned back to the bemused Elf. “Right. Seeing as whoever brought you here didn’t bother to introduce us, I’m Cassie. I’ll answer to Cass, Oi, or Hey You. That’s Nat sprawled out all over the chair. Don’t worry if you struggle to get what she says; nobody can understand her half the time.” She caught a cushion hurled in her direction and grinned. “And up there on the cupboard are Greenlead and Giml, our minis. Feed them bacon and eggs and they’ll pretty much leave you alone. And you are…?”
He blinked as she abruptly turned the conversation over to him. “I - ah. My name is… Kelvin Talathion,” he said, remembering the name Architeuthis had helped him decide on - or more precisely, talked him into. “I was once known as Celebralmir Vinyalassë Talathion.”
“Yeesh.” Nat shook her head. “You a Stu or somethin’?”
“I was,” he admitted. “According to the one who found me, I was a… a minor Stu who was replaced by plothole and ended up here.”
“Who was the main canon-breaker, then?” Cassie asked.
“My sister.”
“Should we have a look?” the smaller girl queried as she looked over at Nat. Kelvin cut in before Nat could reply, however.
“It was being dealt with when I was forced to leave,” he said quietly. Nat winced slightly.
“Sorry…”
He nodded, sat down on the seat indicated for him, and put the bag of equipment he’d been given earlier on the floor. Cassie, being completely unaware of what was being implied, said cheerfully, “Well, we got another agent out of it, so the Flowers can’t complain.” She leaned back in her seat, looking quite comfortable. Nat and the minis immediately covered their ears. Kelvin looked at them all.
“What-?”
[BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!]
The newbie agent yelled and covered his ears as Nat frantically scrambled to find the mute button. She slammed her fist down onto it and barked, “WHAT?” at the suddenly meekly silent console. Cassie, who had fallen out of her chair at the sound, got up and came over to look, scanning the summary briefly before almost jumping away from the console.
“M-rated? M-RATED? What the HELL?!”
“Since when do we cover explicit… THAT?!”
The two girls were staring at the screen and howling denials. This, understandably, was making Kelvin both confused and nervous. After a very short while, however, Cassie whipped away from the screen and lunged for her backpack. “I. Am. Going. To. Kill. Her. Painfully.” She grabbed the bag, swung round and ran for the table on which most of their equipment was piled, almost whacking Kelvin in the process. It was only then that either girl remembered their new travelling companion.
“Oh, damn.” Cassie looked between her two partners. “Is it a good idea to take him?”
Nat shrugged. “May as well. It’s not like ‘e’ll see somethin’ ‘e won’t ever see again.”
“I am here, you know,” the ellon objected. “I can make my own decisions.”
“Ya don’t decide ta come on a mission,” Nat replied. “You either go, or…” She thought for a moment. “Well, ya go. Upstairs doesn’t exac’ly encourage skivin’ off.” Her attitude became businesslike as she eyed his weapons. “Can ya use those?”
“I can, yes,” was the slightly nettled answer. His longbow was slung across his back, he had a full quiver of arrows, and his sword was hanging by his side. He wasn’t exactly helpless. Evidently, the other two didn’t feel the same way, as they stuffed various metal articles and strange packages into their bags before putting the backpacks on and strapping on their weapons.
Nat tapped out a few commands on the keyboard. “What disguises?” she asked Cassie.
“Elves. The entire thing takes place in Mirkwood and Lothlorien.”
“‘Kay.”
“Oh, and did you pick up a new CAD?”
There was a long-suffering sigh from Nat’s direction. “Yes, I did.” The article in question was extracted from her backpack, waved around briefly as evidence, and then stuffed back in. She entered a few more commands into the console, and the portal opened.
Cassie examined Kelvin critically. “You sure you’re going to be okay with this?”
“I’ll be fine.” In truth, he was feeling rather nervous, as he didn’t know anything about what he was going to face, but surely it had to be better than Orcs.
It should be noted at this point that Architeuthis had neglected to mention either the Narrative Laws of Comedy or the Ironic Overpower to him during their time together.
Nat shook her head. “If you’re sure, then…” She stepped through the portal, her appearance altering to the form of an Elf - in her case, the only noticeable changes were the shape of her ears and the length of her hair. Cassie grinned at Kelvin and gestured for him to go through. Uncertainly, he complied, but stepping through the portal made him a little uneasy, particularly as his last experience of such things had been less than pleasant. He shivered…
And then stumbled in shock as the sound of a disclaimer and author’s notes thundered around them.
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the Lord of the Rings characters as they belong to Professor Tolkien! Although I do own the character of Elbereth but not the name.
Pairings: Haldir/OC and Legolas/OC.
Based: Basing it on the books and the films but mainly the films.
Rating: M (For future chapters.)
Be nice when reviewing as it is my first! :D
“I’ll give you a bloody review all right,” Cassie hissed as she uncovered her ears, unclipped her pen from the notebook she carried, flicked the book open and began scrawling. Meanwhile, Kelvin was staring around at the vague space they were standing in.
“What is this place?”
“It’s undefined - the author hasn’t given it any description, so there’s nothing to see,” Nat replied, revealing how noticeably her accent had been altered by the disguise generator. They all winced at the sound of screaming as the scene of Arwen giving birth materialised.
"Push, my Lady." The midwife spoke over Arwen's screams. "Nearly there." As another helper dabbed her head with a wet cloth. Arwen couldn't barely speak only groans came from her. "Now, my Lady. Push!" Arwen does so. "Push!" Finally the baby is born and cries escaped from it.
"A girl." Lifting her up and showing her to Arwen.
The agents watched the badly-described scene with some embarrassment, trying to concentrate their attention anywhere but on Arwen’s lower half. When the tense shifts hit, though, they winced -
- and try to ignore the fact that they -
- were moving between past and present rather painfully, until Kelvin -
- stares at Nat’s backpack bemusedly. “Why is your bag making that odd sound?” he -
- asked. Nat -
- shrugs it off and -
- took out her new CAD, wincing as she was sent through the changing tenses. “This isn’t the type I had before…” she -
- muses, examining it. It -
- was beeping and displaying a message. [Unstable tenses detected. Revert Agents to permanent past tense Y/N?] Nat -
- hits “Y” quickly and -
- sighed with relief as she felt the past tense settling around her. “That’s better. I must find out what model this is. It’s very useful,” she added, examining the little capsule welded onto the side and setting the volume control to mute as an afterthought before tucking it back into her rucksack. She hoisted the bag back on and reached out with amazing speed to grab Cassie as the smaller woman attempted to go for Arwen’s throat. “What’s she done?” Nat asked, almost resignedly.
“She called her Elbereth!” Cassie hissed. Kelvin turned and stared at Arwen, who was currently Cooing over her newborn.
“But Elbereth is -”
“I know!”
“Let me guess,” Nat said, absently pinning Cassie in a headlock. “Elbereth’s a Canon and the Sue stole the name.”
“Yes.” Cassie stopped struggling and, once Nat had relaxed her grip, wriggled free. “Elbereth’s one of the bloody Valar.” She scribbled down a few more charges. Nat pulled a face at Kelvin.
“You get used to it after a while. Oh, and keep an eye on Cass. Grab her if you see her going for any Canons.”
“What are Canons?” Kelvin asked. Nat sighed.
“They didn’t give you any training, evidently. Okay, Canons are the characters who’re meant to exist in this world. The Valar, Arwen, those kind of people. The Sue is the one who -”
“- who makes them all ‘out of character’, am I right?”
“Yeah.” Nat looked mildly impressed. “Where’d you pick that up?”
“The person who found me gave me a little explanation of what killing Sues is about,” he told her, before yelping in surprise as the passage of time was loudly announced.
Three years later
“Elbereth.” Called a female voice. “Come here.” She was walking through a forest, a forest with trees of great stature. They were tall enough to reach the sun.
A featureless woman was walking through a forest of impossibly tall trees, which the Agents quickly ducked behind, groaning a little from the time jump. Nat took a glance at Cassie’s notebook. The first page was already close to being filled.
“You have really awful handwriting, you know that?”
“Shut up,” Cassie replied absently, glaring at the abnormal trees, which were already being charred from the top down due to their unnatural proximity to the sun. They watched the faceless woman and the three-year-old Sue play a very quick game of hide-and-seek before the unknown woman was identified as Arwen. At that point, Arwen, Elbereth and the unnamed guard began walking to the edge of the forest. The Agents hurried to follow, hiding among the trees. Nat spent the walk telling Kelvin about the Canons who turned up most often in LOTR fics, while Cassie kept kicking inoffensive trees and trying to edge close enough to the characters to throw something at the Sue.
On reaching the destination, Arwen woke the now-sleeping Elbereth up and had her go and play for a while. Nat pointed this out. “We’ve got an hour, so what shall we do?”
“We could play cards,” Cassie replied, distracted from searching for stones to throw. “Look, I’ve got a pack in my bag, and someone taught me this game…” She rummaged in her backpack and produced a slightly battered set of playing cards.
After an hour of teaching her partners how to play Egyptian Rat-Screw, Cassie seemed to be in a much better mood. This was mostly because she knew the rules and kept winning. There was a little commotion over by the characters which caught her attention, and immediately she scooped the cards up, put them away, and whipped out her notebook again.
Absently twirling a lock of her hair around her fingers, Nat flashed a grin at the bemused Kelvin. “One thing I will say, you never have to write the charges with Cass along.”
He considered this for a moment. “Wouldn’t that make it a little awkward if she couldn’t come for some reason? I mean, if you’re not used to writing them yourself?”
Nat waved this question off airily. “Nah, that’s not gonna happen. It’ll be fine. Plus, she spots charges I wouldn’t know existed, and Upstairs doesn’t like it when we skip charges.” She leaned back and watched the little family reunion nearby, rolling her eyes at the dialogue.
“Aragorn, I know this is a shock but this is your daughter, Elbereth.”
“Elbereth?” Looking from Arwen to his newly discovered child. “How old is she?”
Arwen went to speak but a small voice from her arms spoke, “I am 3!”
“Ah!” Aragorn spoke in a joking voice. “Almost a lady!”
“I am not! I am a little elleth!” Smiling at him. “Are you my Adar?”
He looked at Arwen, who was just smiling. “I am, my little one.” At that moment Elbereth flew from her mother's arms and into her father's, who brought her close to him and kissed her hair. “My little one.”
Nat had to bite down on her sleeve to keep from breaking into audible giggles as Elbereth briefly sprouted wings and flew from Arwen to Aragorn, neither of whom seemed to notice. The Agent glanced at her partners, one scowling at and the other looking rather stunned by the Sue’s apparent power of shape-shifting.
Seeing that Nat wasn’t going to be much help, as she was busy eating her sleeve from what Cassie could see, the bespectacled Agent decided to offer the newest addition to the team a quick clarification. “If the Words are garbled enough, or the canon’s stretched too thin, the story starts taking everything literally. Judging by what we just saw, I’m guessing this is one of those fics.”
They all jumped as the next chapter began with a rather childish-sounding voice reading the author’s notes.
A/N: I don't own anything! La la la la la! The usual! Also I am not including Elvish cos it's really hard to translate! I'm doing my best! :D
“No, you’re not,” Cassie began, but Nat cut her off.
“Shut up, you loon, they’re right there.” The taller girl indicated Arwen and the Sue, who were having a conversation in an undefined indoor space not far away.
“But my young ling, it is dangerous there.”
The determined five year old was having none of it. “My Adar will protect me. He told you that.”
“When did you hear him tell me that?” Raising an eyebrow at her and folding her arms.
“When he was last here. He told you that he would protect us both no matter what.” Smirking at her mother.
“Elbereth! You and your sharp ears!” Smiling at her. “Of course you may go but you are to listen to everything your father tells you. Do not argue with him. He is there to make sure you are not to get hurt.”
Kelvin shook his head. “Is that the kind of conversation you’d expect?”
“I dunno,” Nat responded. “The words are about right, but some of the phrases are a bit off.”
“Can I be hearing this?” Cassie butted in. “Natalya Freidar is actually paying attention to canonical speech patterns?” She didn’t duck in time, and thus ended up getting smacked across the back of the head. “Ow!”
“Shhh!”
“You hit me,” she complained, rubbing at her head, though the blow had been rather gentle. “What was I supposed to do, thank you?”
“You know not to call me that,” was the only reply. Cassie huffed and turned back to her notebook.
“Are all Agents this violent towards each other?” enquired Kelvin, who was watching the squabble with interest.
“Only if one of them’s acting like an idiot.” Nat yawned. “Not to mention there’s an old rumour about Upstairs deliberately putting people with opposite personalities together - probably so that they drive each other batty quicker.”
“Batty?” He blinked.
“Mad,” Cassie put in, not looking up from the notebook, which was now sporting one charge that appeared to be almost all capitals. She finished the sentence with a few vicious strokes of her pen and turned to watch the fic playing out. Some time during the brief argument, the scene had changed into an Undefined Forest.
Elbereth turned on her heel, walking over to her father who lifted her onto his horse and soon joining her. “I shall be home soon mother!” Waving at her.
“I will protect her Arwen. She will not leave my side.” Looking into her eyes to reassure her. Elbereth looked between her parents and could see that they truly loved each other but she just smiled.
“Let's go Adar. I need my adventure.” Aragorn laughed again and just kicked his horse and they flew out of the forest.
Once again Nat’s speed stopped Cassie from diving towards the characters as Aragorn briefly abused his horse, which then turned into a pegasus as it left the Undefined Forest. “For God’s sake, woman, will you calm down?” Nat puffed as she tried to pin her friend’s right arm. “Oi, what’syername, Kelvin, give us a hand!”
The ellon tentatively caught hold of Cassie’s flailing arm as she tried to grab his sword, but quickly gripped tighter when it nearly escaped again. He helped Nat haul the struggling Agent behind a Generic Tree and out of Arwen’s view, but winced when the taller girl delivered a solid smack to her partner’s cheek.
“You are going to get us caught, you maniac.”
Cassie glared. “Just let me kill her then.”
“Are you completely mad? We haven’t even got through the second chapter yet.”
“And?”
“Don’t argue with me, Cass,” Nat said in a wearied tone. Cassie grumbled, more for effect than anything else, but stopped struggling. Once released, she huffily pulled out her Remote Activator, poked at it for a bit and finally managed to open a portal to Mirkwood. They all stepped through, and found themselves in yet another undescribed room, where the Sue was busy pestering Aragorn.
“But Adar! The sun is awake in her sky and that's when we are meant to be awake too.” Grabbing his shoulders and shaking them with all the strength the five year old had in her little body. “Please!”
Aragorn simply groaned and placed his arms around her. “Please little one, five more minutes!”
“No!” She wrestled his arms off of her. “Please! I am fully awake now and so are you! You are just pretending to sleep.”
“Well.” Cassie blinked. “This one’s read the books. She knows what gender the sun is, anyway.”
“Is that good or bad?” Kelvin asked.
“Oh, it’s bad, usually,” was the answer he got. “It means they have enough knowledge not to make stupid things like this up, but they do it anyway.”
“Ah.” He clearly didn’t get it.
Cassie shook her head and gave him a smile. “Remind me to lend you the books when we get back to HQ, then you’ll have more of an idea what I mean.” He nodded.
“Uh, Cass?” Nat had been reading ahead, squinting at the Words behind the scene.
“What?”
“What year did Gollum get to Mirkwood?”
“Um…” Cassie had to stop and think about it for a moment. “3017, Third Age, the same year he escaped from Mordor. Why?”
“Because according to the author’s notes for chapter four, our Sue was born in 2991. Five years ago.”
Adjusting her glasses, Cassie considered this. “So it’s 2996 now. And?”
Nat just pointed to where Aragorn and Legolas were talking.
“I heard the news. How did it happen?”
Legolas smiled at the two and began his story, “The creature was allowed time amongst the trees but somehow escaped from our grasp. We tracked him but lost the tracks soon.” Shaking his head. “There is no telling where he is now.”
The smaller girl stared, then nearly choked. “SHE MADE-” Cutting herself off as she received a hurried jab in the ribs, she forced her voice down to an enraged whisper. “She made Gollum get to Mirkwood twenty-one years early?!"
“Looks like it.” Nat glanced at Kelvin, and gave him an approving smile when she saw he was tensed to grab Cassie if she attempted to go for the canons. Fortunately for everyone involved, the infuriated young woman seemed more concerned with writing down the charge as angrily as she could without ripping the paper. Once that was done, she spent the rest of the scene watching and recording the charges. Meanwhile, Nat rummaged in her bag and produced a couple of chocolate bars. She offered one to Kelvin, who examined it curiously.
“It’s food,” she explained. “Look, you open it like this, and then…” She opened and took a bite out of her own to demonstrate. “‘s good,” she added through the mouthful. After a few moments, he followed her example, though opening the wrapper gave him a bit of trouble.
Cassie suddenly yelped, “Chapter change!” and covered her ears. The other two followed suit, but that didn't stop them hearing the Vox Dei-style author’s notes.
OI!! If you are reading this, please, please review! :D :D :D :D
Disclaimer: Yeah yeah I don't own any familiar characters, they belong to the greatest author!
A/N: I have rated this story M because of future chapters. You will be warned before hand though!
“Oh, well, that makes everything better,” said Cassie as she leaned back against her bag. “At least we get warned before Hand does, whoever that is.”
“Cass?”
“Yes?”
“This isn’t the Satellite of Love, you know.”
“The who-ha?”
“You know, Mystery Science Theatre?”
“Oh, that. Should I care?”
“Yes.”
“Why?”
“Because this isn’t an MST, you flaming pillock, it’s a mission.”
“Um, excuse me?” Kelvin said tentatively. “I don’t mean to interrupt, but would that man really be doing that?” He indicated the scene nearby, where Aragorn was teaching the Sue how to fight with a dagger. Neatly distracted from the argument, which wasn't going her way anyway, Cassie took one glance at the scenario and growled.
“No, he bloody wouldn’t. Nobody’s stupid enough to hand a weapon to a five-year-old.”
“He is,” Nat pointed out lazily, making herself comfortable and indicating Aragorn. “Look, he’s done it.”
“Nat?”
“Hm?”
“Shut up for five minutes.”
“Can do.” The young woman examined her watch intently, obviously intending to time how long she was going to remain silent. Cassie groaned.
“You’re an idiot.” When Nat just gave her a radiant smile in return, the older girl rolled her eyes and went back to glaring at the fighting lesson. As the lesson covered most of the morning, this gave everyone some time to relax, and they took full advantage of it. Bored with winding her friend up for the moment, Nat dozed on and off, although she kept an eye on her companions. Cassie was kept busy answering Kelvin’s questions about HQ, Canon and LOTR, but the gleam that was coming into her eye made the ellon very wary of getting too close to her.
When Legolas arrived to deliver a message from his father, everyone’s attention was called back to the fic - and Cassie, who began inching towards the new arrival as soon as he appeared.
“Oh, no, you don’t,” Nat said calmly as she grabbed her partner’s foot and hauled her back. “No lusting, remember.” Rummaging through her bag, the tall girl produced a syringe and quickly injected the contents into Cassie’s leg, which she still had a firm grip on.
“Ow!”
“Just trying to help,” Nat said innocently, putting the syringe away. She grinned at Kelvin. “Anti-Lustin. Trust me, if you work in Lord of the Rings with Cass, you’ll need it.” Cassie pulled herself free, brushed off the grass that had gathered on her, and sulked. She grabbed her notebook and entered another charge, mostly for something to do while ostentatiously (and rather childishly) Not Talking to Nat.
“Does this happen a lot?” Kelvin asked quietly, wondering whether he’d have to sit through the bickering every mission.
“It depends,” Nat replied, watching Aragorn ask Legolas to take over teaching Elbereth archery while he went off to talk to Thranduil. “Cass isn’t generally this bad, but she doesn’t react very well to grammatical mistakes, and with a Sue this bad on top, well… I guess she just hasn’t hardened up enough yet. Our last few missions haven’t been particularly bad ones, so there’s not been so much for her to get moody about.”
They were interrupted by Cassie suddenly getting up and shrugging on her backpack. “They’re moving,” was all she said before striding off after Legolas, who was now giving the Sue a piggyback down to the archery range. The other two hurried to follow her.
The walk to the range was not long. “That was quick.”
“Yes.” He laughed as he set her down. “Right here we are.” Presenting her with a small bow and arrow. “I know it's small but when you grow older you will be able to get a bigger one. This is my gift to you.”
She took the present from him with silent delight. “Thank you. I will treasure it for life.”
“Right shall we start?” He began, like her father, with the basics such as footing, arm and hand positions.
“Legolas?” As she fired her latest arrow just missing the centre. “Ah! So close!”
“Well concentrate Elbereth! Less talking and more concentration on your practice. And what is it?”
Lowering her weapon and turning to face him. “Why do you call my Adar 'Estel'?”
“That is one of his names. He has many your Adar but when he was living with your grandfather, Lord Elrond, as a young boy he was given that name. It means hope.”
“I know it does!” Tutting at him. “I just do not understand why.”
“When you are older he will tell you. Now.” Putting his hands on her shoulders and turning her to face her target. “Practice makes perfect.” She fired her next arrow which hit the dead centre. “See!”
“I did it! I did it!” Jumping up and down clapping her hands.
“Someone pass me a bucket,” Cassie groaned.
“I don't have any of those,” Nat replied, “but you’ve got some Bleeprin.” This prompted a frantic scramble for the bottle of pills, which was rapidly emptied.
“Badfic sucks,” the shorter girl complained quietly once she’d finished.
“It’d suck a lot more if a story took over Canon completely.”
“Well, duh - oh, Aragorn’s back.” The trio watched as the Ranger informed his daughter that they would have to leave.
Her face drops. “But we only just got here.” Tears began to form in her eyes.
Due to the canon being so strained, the fic was talking everything literally, and so the Sue’s face fell off completely. This went unnoticed by the characters, but caused two out of the three PPC Agents to have to hide behind a vaguely defined tree and muffle their hysterical laughter with their jackets in order to avoid attracting attention. By the time they recovered, Aragorn was busy ‘packing his horse’. Deciding not to lounge around for the next hour, and also hoping to avoid the author’s notes, the Agents made an executive decision to portal to the next chapter.
Part Two here.