Being In Love Is Twice As Hard
Part two of "Being In Love Is Twice As Hard". Strong language.
They stepped through into the middle of a fight. Quickly scanning the Words, Cassie clarified that Elbereth had been travelling to Rivendell with Arwen, but had barely got out of Lorien before deciding to go back, accompanied by only four guards.
She had finally reached the river but it was fast and too strong for her horse. It's legs buckled underneath him and they were both swept down the river. Elbereth managed to release herself from the saddle and try and swim them both to shore but it was no use, her horse had gone under the surface and she felt herself being dragged under too, so she let go of the reins and began swimming to the shore. Suddenly she heard and felt arrows fly past her, luckily none hit her. She dragged herself onto the opposite shore and tried to pull herself to safety but tiredness overcame her. Collapsing on the river's edge, unable to move as exhaustion overcame her. She felt the ground vibrating underneath her and she braced herself to be killed but death never came. She opened her eyes as much as she could and saw elven men surrounding her and fighting the orcs off. She could see a figure walking towards her but she had passed out before she could see who it was.
The speed of the action left the group slightly dizzy.
“Ow. That was just plain weird.” Kelvin nodded his agreement with Nat and leaned against the wall that had just appeared, shaking his head a little to clear it. After a moment, he froze as he realised they were in the Sue’s bedroom. Glancing at his partners with concern, the Elf saw that they had also spotted the problem and were edging towards the window. He joined them, and luckily they managed to make a rapid exit unnoticed while Elbereth was talking to Haldir.
While they took stock of their situation, Nat suggested that they just pick up charges from the Words until the Sue was more accessible. Sitting down and leaning back against a tree, Cassie began scrawling away in her notebook, often stopping to squint at the Words. To Kelvin, of course, it looked as though she was staring into space. He tried to work out what she was looking at, gazing in the same direction, but saw nothing except the trees of Lórien.
Eventually Nat took pity on him and explained what was going on. “It’s not that difficult, really, it’s just a matter of getting the knack of it. If you look at it like this…” She demonstrated, although with a rather more exaggerated expression than necessary. “You try it.” On making the attempt, Kelvin was surprised to see the faint Words hovering in the background.
“What causes that?”
“I have no idea. Cass probably knows, but I wouldn’t try asking her just yeeeeeeeee- OOF!”
They were hurled through a time jump without warning. The jolt of suddenly shifting three days forwards caused everyone to bang their heads against whatever they had been leaning on. Somewhere in HQ, the Narrative Laws of Comedy sniggered and gave the Ironic Overpower a high-five.
As she retrieved her glasses from her lap and tried to put them back on without poking herself in the eye, Cassie muttered, “I swear this fic’s out to get us.”
“The Sue probably is,” Nat replied, probing gingerly at the bruise she’d developed on the side of her head. “You okay, Kel?”
“I’m fine…” He tried to ignore the pain in his head and looked around. “There’s something going on over there.” He indicated a clearing close by. Elbereth and Rumil had descended from the tree while the PPCers had been groaning over their bumps, and now reached the clearing, where they found Haldir and a host of escorts waiting for them. Elbereth smiled at Haldir but he kept a straight and sincere face as she climbed onto her horse. The escort of around twenty left with Elbereth in the middle of them all and Haldir riding at her side without uttering a word.
“Hey, I bet we could join them,” Cassie said, moving to stand up.
“Bad idea.” Nat got up anyway. “But we’ll follow them.”
“Awww…” Cassie pouted.
“And that’s why we’re not joining them. I’ve only got so much Anti-Lustin.”
“Spoilsport.”
“One of us has to be the sensible one, and you’re not setting yourself up as a candidate. Just write some more charges, I’m sure you can find plenty while we walk.” With that, the taller girl spun on her heel and headed off after the Sue. The other two quickly followed. After a few minutes, Nat looked up at Kelvin, who was examining their surroundings with evident interest. “You don't talk much, do you?” she commented with a smile.
“Hm? Oh. I suppose not. I haven’t really got much to say that would be any use. You and Cassie are the experienced ones here, whereas I’m completely at a loss.”
“You’ll pick things up quickly enough,” she assured him. “Neither of us had a clue what we were doing when we joined. Although I’m not entirely sure how long ago that was, to be honest.”
“You must have been with the PPC for years, then.”
“Nah, not quite,” she chuckled. “I’ll check what the date is when we get back. It’s just that HQ doesn't have days or weeks as such, mostly because there’s no sun or anything, and good luck trying to get a clock to work in that place. Can’t’ve been more than a year ago, though. I should get in touch with my mum and dad and let them know how things’re going some time…” She fell silent, thinking back to what it had been like back in the Real World.
“Um, guys?” Cassie seemed a little puzzled. “Where exactly are we?”
Nat stopped short and looked around. She had been so caught up in the conversation, and then her thoughts of home, that she’d completely lost track of their target. “Um… we’re… here?”
“You’ve got us lost, haven’t you?”
“Nah, can portal to the next location easily enough.” Producing her RA with a flourish, Nat entered the co-ordinates for Caras Galadhon and opened the portal. “After you two, then.”
“Don’t the characters ever notice these?” Kelvin enquired as he went through after Cassie. “I mean, surely something that glows bright blue would attract attention.”
“It’s never happened to us before,” the smaller woman said, shrugging. “It’s just one of those things. They don’t notice us, either, unless we do something that gets their attention.”
“Speaking of paying attention, maybe we should try it,” Nat observed as she joined them, nodding towards the conversation between Celeborn, Elbereth and Haldir that was taking place.
“Haldir, I thank you for bringing her home safely.” Inclining his head towards him and then turning back to Elbereth. “As for you, what were you thinking leaving your mother and near enough on your own?” Elbereth just bowed her head in shame. “No matter, you are safe...” Kissing her on the top of her head. “...And well. For that we shall have a feast in honour of your saviours.”
“Really?” Looking up at him smiling in delight.
“Yes.” Looking back at Haldir. “Will you and the heroes join us?”
“It would be an honour, my Lord.” Bowing to the two and then leaving.
Later that night at the feast
Everyone seemed to be enjoying themselves but not Haldir.
Despite her head ringing from the line in bold, Cassie had to stifle a giggle at the sentence that came after it.
“What’s so funny?” Kelvin asked.
“That line.” She pointed it out. “Just reminded me of a line from legolas by Laura.”
“What’s that?”
“‘Mean While at Mondor the dark lord was planing to kidnap the princess but not Legolas,’” Cassie quoted, still trying not to laugh.
Nat gave her a mystified look. “When did you read that? I thought it was killed ages back.”
“There’re still some copies of the Words for it floating around, and a few people in the cafeteria were doing a competitive reading of it the other day, so I joined in.”
Kelvin was looking from one girl to the other, trying to work out what they were talking about. “Legolas is one of the Canon characters, isn’t he?”
“Yeah, that’s right.” Cassie looked mildly impressed.
“Who is this Laura, then?”
“Oh, she’s the author of a badfic about Legolas. A Legendary one, actually. I’ll see if I can get hold of a copy for you some time. It’s not as bad as it sounds, it’s just ridiculous. I feel sorry for whoever had to take it on, though.”
“I see.” Kelvin didn't feel entirely reassured by this, but decided not to argue as Cassie brushed past him.
“But for now, let’s get on with this.”
“This” was a conversation between Celeborn and Galadriel. There appeared to have been a time shift, but it was so vaguely worded that none of the Agents had felt anything.
“Do you see what I see, my Lady?” He said to his wife on Haldir's last day before he returned to the borders.
“I do. Can it be? Haldir has found his equal in our great-granddaughter?” Looking at them carefully. “And I can see that she may have also.” Smiling at them.
“If he asks for her hand, will we agree? Her mother in Rivendell and her father, Valor knows where.” As they turned and walked away.
There was a muffled squeal of enthusiasm from Cassie as a group of fourteen mini-Balrogs appeared and came scampering over. She immediately attempted to cuddle them, but had forgotten about the need for flame-proof clothing and stepped back with a yelp, blowing on her fingers.
“Who are these, then?” Nat asked, grinning down at the little group.
“They’re the Valor, of course. Supposed to be Valar.”
“I thought that was one person?”
“Who told you that? I know I didn’t.”
“I just assumed. How many should there be, then?”
“There are fourteen,” Kelvin clarified quietly. “I could name them for you, if you like.” He stopped and flushed slightly as he realised both girls were staring at him.
“Well, it looks like you do know something, then,” Cassie beamed. “Why don’t you tell Nat about the Valar while I get these cuties somewhere safe?” She set about entering co-ordinates into her RA. Kelvin turned to Nat expectantly, and wasn’t sure whether to be relieved or not when she waved him off.
“I’ll look them up later. Think I got my wires crossed, that’s all.”
“You did what?”
“Oh...” This is going to get old very fast, Nat thought as she explained. “It’s an expression that means you got something confused with something else.”
“Ah. I’m sorry.”
“No, it’s fine. You’ll pick it up as you go.”
“Ears!” Cassie hissed, covering her own. The other two followed suit just in time.
“But you will not be back for 8 weeks, do you think I'll survive that long?”
He laughs, “I think you will. The time will fly by and I will be back.” He notices tears have begun to fall down her soft cheeks. “Do not cry. I promise I will be back soon.” He place a finger under her chin and lifts her face up to hers and softly places a kiss on her lips. Elbereth moans into the kiss.
“Blegh.” Nat pulled a face. “We didn't need to see that.” The mangled grammar and spelling had caused an interesting effect, whereby Elbereth appeared to be kissing herself on the lips. The image thus created was extremely painful on the eyes. All three Agents winced and looked away.
“At least we haven’t got to worry about the tenses any more,” Cassie observed, apropos of nothing in particular. “That really wasn't comfortable. How did you stop that, by the way?”
“My new CAD. It’s not a regular one, there’s something attached to it that seems to change its functions.” Nat produced the item in question, only to look at it quizzically. “It’s flashing, but I can’t make out what it says.”
“Try pointing it at the Sue.” Nat did so, and the readout became clear.
[Elbereth. Uncanon. Mary-Sue. Half-Elf. Homeland: Lorien. Suggested remedy: Burn Elbereth.]
“Now I could learn to like this one,” Cassie grinned as she read the message. “Burning sounds fun.”
“Ah.” Nat snapped her fingers as comprehension dawned. “Now I know what kind it is. This’s a DOGA one.”
“How d’you know that?”
Nat looked smug. “So I know something you don’t for once? The DOGA Agents’re called pyros for a reason.”
Cassie took a moment to absorb this. “Oh, the burning thing.”
“Yup.”
They were interrupted by another mini-Balrog. “Well, hello,” Cassie cooed, bending down to it. “Where did you come from?” She peered at the Words. “You’re Galdriel?” It nodded. “Let’s get you somewhere nicer than this place, then.” The Agent opened a portal for the mini, which went through happily enough.
“She’s walking off!” Kelvin blurted out suddenly. This earned him a quizzical look. “I mean the Sue, she’s running off that way.” He ran after her, followed by the two girls, who looked faintly surprised by his quick action.
She ran to their spot, their spot, the place no one knew of. She sank to the grass and lay there, remembering.
FLASHBACKFLASHBACKFLASHBACK (Two days before he left)
The combination of bold font and capslock nearly sent them all to their knees. “This is where I actually start to miss the console…” Nat said weakly, leaning against a tree (of which there were always plenty around, this being Lorien).
“Don’t say that,” Cassie responded, scribbling down a few more charges. “It’ll figure that out and start beeping louder.”
“Then I’ll fiddle with the volume control until it stops beeping louder.”
“Well, excuse me, Techno-Danielle.”
“When you’re quite finished with the clever comebacks, there’s a fic to deal with here, and Haldir’s just proposed.”
“He what?” Cassie dug around in her backpack, extracted her own CAD - a regular Canon Analysis model - and pointed it at the Canon character, who was currently kissing the Sue’s hand. It started flashing wildly and displaying a message.
[Haldir. Elf male. Canon. Out of Character 79.982376541% CHARACTER RUPTURE MEEBLE MEEBLE BYE BYE NO CAKE HERE-] It heated up to an alarming temperature, causing its owner to yelp and drop it. The impact broke it up.
“Oh, bugger. That’s all I need.”
Nat shrugged, wholly unconcerned, and turned to the mini-Balrog that had appeared just as Cassie dropped the CAD. “You’d be…”
“Middle Earth,” Kelvin supplied, peering at the Words.
“Ooh, I know him!” Cassie cut in excitedly, leaving the remains of her CAD to cool off and turning her attention to the mini. “We met you a while back, didn't we? Back in the Ambellina mission.” It nodded. “Aw, and you got dragged in here? I’ll send you back to the Adoption Agency.” She opened a portal for the miniature Maia, and then went to pick up the sorry-looking remnants of her CAD. “You’d think that DoSAT would invent a CAD that lasted more than three missions,” she groused, tucking the bits away.
“What’s up with you?” Nat was looking at Kelvin, who was staring determinedly in the opposite direction to Elbereth and Haldir, his face shading a rather brighter colour than Elves’ usually did.
“They’re… um… well…” he stammered, going redder. Nat peered around the tree they were hiding behind, and came back rather quickly, trying to look nonchalant, although her face was slightly pink as well.
“Haldir’s got his hand up her dress,” she reported to Cassie, who choked, nearly dropped her notebook and had to make an undignified grab for it.
“Obviously they’ve never heard the phrase ‘get a room’,” she replied, flicking a glance at the Words. Kelvin didn't need that one explaining, although it made him blush even more. He joined Cassie in examining the text of the fic.
“There’s another -”
FLASHBACKENDSFLASHBACKENDSFLASHBACKENDS
“- marker,” he groaned, wincing at the ringing in his ears. The other two weren’t in a much better position. There were downsides to the disguise generator, one being more sensitive hearing.
“Anyway,” Cassie said, shaking her head, “shall we go and watch Little Miss Name-Stealer have her Dramatic Reunion?”
Nat nodded, and then paused. “Cass, you know you were randomly capitalising things there?”
“Yeah, but they deserved it.”
Deciding that it wasn't worth arguing over, the taller girl wandered over to join Cassie and Kelvin, who were heading towards the random gates, where they watched Elbereth greet Haldir.
“I want to marry you soon and be bound to you.”
“I want that more than anything. When do you suggest we marry?” Continuing the walk.
“A week today?”
“Yes that sounds perfect.” Smiling to herself as they approached the Lord and Lady.
A/N: R& R guys! Please!!
“How about no?” Cassie yawned. “Unless she wants me to flame her or something.”
“No flaming. That makes us as bad as the people who write these things.”
“I know, I know.” She nudged her glasses back up and turned to Kelvin. “A flame is when you comment on a fic and basically insult it and the person who wrote it.”
“But flames are fire,” he replied, puzzled. “Why would you use that term for them?”
Casse opened her mouth to answer, then closed it again, slightly bemused. “That’s… a really good question. I don't know why we call them flames. You’d have to ask around.” She winced a little as the next chapter opened, but it was Nat who grasped the situation first.
“Everyone out.”
“What -?”
“Unless you want to stay and watch those two -” Nat indicated the Sue and Haldir with a jerk of her head - “getting naughty, you’ll leave about now.” She slipped out of the room and waited for the other two before leading them down to the bottom of the tree in which the talan was built.
“More reading the Words?” Cassie sighed.
“Like I said, if you want to watch, you’re welcome.”
“You’ve got a point,” the bespectacled girl admitted. “Fine, we’ll stay here. Might even get some sleep, too. Though I’ll have to sneak up and grab a couple of charges first-hand at some point.”
“You do that.” Nat was already pulling out her sleeping bag. Kelvin followed her example, then sat down on it, removed his weapons, and began examining them closely for any damage they might have sustained. Nat sprawled happily on hers, producing her Gameboy and slotting in whatever her current favourite game was. Cassie rolled her eyes, but took out her own sleeping bag, got comfortable on it, and began noting down charges, though with a rather pink face.
When it started growing dark, she got up and headed up towards the talan. “Where are you going?” Kelvin asked.
“Need to check on something,” she mumbled, looking rather embarrassed.
“Shall I come with you?” He moved to get up, but stopped when she waved him off.
“No! Er, no. It’ll be fine. Probably be best if you didn’t.”
“Cass, if you pull any stunts while you’re up there…” Nat warned.
“I’ll behave, I promise. I’ll be back down within five minutes.”
“I’ll be timing you.”
“Yeah, yeah.” Cassie shrugged, but dashed up the stairs anyway. She peeped through the window and watched the scene. Haldir and Elbereth had just entered the room.
He shut the door to their bedroom but was taken by surprise when she pushed his back against the door almost violently and passionately claimed his lips. He grinned into the kiss and began licking her lips to gain entry into her mouth, which she let him. Their tongues wrestled for dominance, neither winning. He pushed her further into the middle of the room and fumbling with the ties of her dress. “Help me Elbereth.” He chuckled as she pushed his hands away from the ties and pulled them apart. Her dress pooled at her feet revealing she wore nothing underneath.
Cassie shut her eyes, not having wanted the image of a stark naked Sue burned into her brain. “For crying out loud,” she muttered, “have the Elves never heard of underwear?!”
A gang of mini-Balrogs popped into existence nearby at a groan from Haldir. The Agent looked at them suspiciously. “Haven't I seen you lot before?” The biggest one nodded. She sighed and rolled her eyes. “The Valor again. Although I think we should really get you lot out of here…” Dialling up a portal as quickly as she could, she herded the group through it just in time. Parts of the talan were starting to smoulder.
She peeked through the window once more and then covered her eyes. “I did not need to see that, I did not need to see that…” Stumbling back down the stairs to the makeshift camp, she kept muttering this mantra to herself until she tripped over Nat’s legs.
“Ow! Who the fuck is that?”
“It’s Cassie, who else is going to be wandering around here?”
“Get off!”
“I’m trying to, if you’d give me a minute!”
“That was my shin!”
“Well, I can’t see what I’m doing!”
There was a rustling noise, and then a torch was swiched on.
“OW! That’s right in my eyes!”
“Sorry!” The light was directed elsewhere, but finally allowed Cassie to stand up without damaging Nat’s legs further.
“Are you two quite all right?” Kelvin asked, having waited until the arguing stopped.
“We’re fine,” Cassie replied, brushing herself down. “Nat just decided to try to sleep with her legs sticking out where anyone could trip over them.”
“I wasn’t asleep,” Nat objected.
“You were doing a bloody good impression, then.”
“You can’t talk, you spread yourself out all over the place.”
“Maybe we should all try to get some sleep,” Kelvin suggested mildly, “instead of arguing about it.”
“…Fine.” Cassie marched over to her sleeping bag and crawled inside. “Night, all.” There were muttered replies, but soon the camp was silent.
Nat, usually a late riser, was the last up the next day, or whenever it was; she’d given up trying to keep track of the time shifts in this fic. She sat up, rubbed her eyes, and looked around. Kelvin was leaning against a tree, either lost in contemplation of something or trying to outstare the shrub opposite him, though she doubted it was the latter. Cassie, of course, was writing charges down.
“What did I miss?” Nat said as she extracted herself from her sleeping bag.
“Not much. Our Sue’s just woken up and gone for breakfast.”
“That sounds like a good idea.” Nat rummaged in her bag.
“What does?” Kelvin asked, turning his gaze on the skinny girl.
“Breakfast. Except we haven’t really got much. There’s some chocolate, a couple of packets of instant soup, some more chocolate, some mints… Wow, we really are unhealthy eaters.” She took out some chocolate and started in on it with evident relish. “Still, need to keep our energy up.”
“If you say so.” Cassie noted down another charge, stared at the Words, and then covered her head in her sleeping bag.
“Cass, are you feeling all ri- ”
Disclaimer: I do not own any characters except Elbereth's character but her name belongs to Professor Tolkien. Any dialogue you recognise it belongs to Philippa Boyens, Fran Walsh and Peter Jackson, legends in other words. Also I am using the extended addition of the films and any English that is in italics then the dialogue is Elvish.
Chapter 7: New Life Together
“…Oh.” This wasn’t the most intelligent-sounding comment Nat could have made, but she was slightly dazed, so perhaps it wasn't surprising. Cassie removed the sleeping bag from her head, smirked at her partners and packed the item away.
“Come on, it’s a brand new day and we have a Sue to kill.”
“What’s got you so chirpy?” Nat groused as she packed her things.
“Been planning out what I’m going to do to her.” Cassie flashed a dazzling grin. “I’m sure she’ll appreciate all the things she’s done wrong once it gets going.”
“Cass… you’re not going to do anything stupid, are you?”
“Who, little old me?”
“Yes, little old you. Ancient old you, actually.” By this point, all three had packed and were trekking off in search of Elbereth.
“Ancient? Cheeky sod, I’m only three months older than you!” Nat dodged a swipe, grinning broadly now that she was playing her favourite game - Winding Cassie Up. Kelvin, who was walking on the opposite side of Nat to Cassie, simply sighed and cast his eyes upwards, as if looking for help.
“That’s plenty, you’re still a lot older than I am.”
“As soon as we get back to HQ, I’m going to -”
“What, jump up and bite my ankles?”
“Okay, that’s below the belt.”
“Yeah, mine.” Nat had to dodge another lunge. Cassie was getting seriously annoyed now.
“When you two are done…” Kelvin said wearily. He indicated the scene nearby, where Haldir and Elbereth were talking.
She laughed softly. “How many children do we have?”
“Four.”
“Four? Who is to say I shall want to be pregnant four times?” Laughing at his face.
“You laugh at me!”
“I do not.” Laughing still. “Four children sounds prefect to me.” Walking a little faster. “So when do we have our first?” Giving him a backward glance.
“I do not know. I hope soon.”
They had reached their hidden spot and Elbereth lay on the ground. “Let us start now.” Pulling him to the ground next to her. He lay on his back and she immediately straddled him.
“And I think this is where we make our exit and let them get on with it,” Nat said hastily, doing an abrupt about-turn.
“I quite agree,” Kelvin said, almost running over Cassie in his hurry to exit the area. She followed, not at all unwillingly, though the charge list was expanding steadily as she walked. They waited out the random sex scene well out of earshot. All was going well until a random scene divider turned up.
O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O
“For crying out loud…” Cassie didn't look too well.
“Shall I take over for a bit?” Nat offered suddenly, reaching for the notebook.
“Yeah, sure,” was the reply, and Cassie handed the pad over. “If you can even spot any charges.”
“Your face is a charge.”
“Shut up. And grow up.”
“Can we please concentrate?” Kelvin said plaintively. Cassie became very interested in rummaging through her bag for more Bleeprin, while Nat stared hard at the Words. The taller girl read the upcoming paragraph several times, and then triumphantly wrote down a charge. Her neat, careful handwriting made a startling contrast to Cassie’s frenzied scribble.
Just as she finished writing the last word, however, Cassie ripped the notebook and pen back and began writing so violently that she nearly ripped the paper.
“What now?”
“Screwing… with… timelines…” Cassie growled. “Fellowship’s arrived two fucking years early.” Nat shook her head in disbelief, then stared at Cassie.
“Did you just swear?”
“Yes,” was the curt reply. “Is there a problem with that?”
“No, no, it’s just unexpected.” Eying the white knuckles Cassie was displaying, Nat decided to jump them all to the next section of fic. Opening the portal, she nudged her smaller partner through and nodded to Kelvin to follow. They stepped through, right into a scene lifted directly from the film.
As they moved through the forest Elbereth heard a deep, gruff voice which she recognised as a dwarf's voice. "Stay close, young Hobbit. They say a great sorceress lives in these woods. An elf witch of terrible power." She looked at Haldir with anger on her face, he just shook his head and silently moved forward with his bow and arrow ready and a hand raised to get ready to poise. "All who look upon her fall under her spell. Well there's one dwarf she won't ensnare so easy. I have the eyes of a hawk and ears of a fox." His hand went down and all of the elves pointed their bows and arrows at the Fellowship. Elbereth had her bow and arrow on the dwarf with hate in her eyes. All of the party stopped in their tracks and Haldir stepped forward.
"The dwarf breathes so loud we could have shot him in the dark." He said plainly causing Elbereth to smirk at her captive who just growls.
Cassie was clearly on Gimli’s side, judging from the remarkably deep growl coming from her own throat. Nat considered their options. They could sit through the entire remaining fic, in which case Cassie would spontaneously combust, or go berserk, or something similar. Or they could skip the bits that were copy-pasted from the movie script, in which case Cassie would just be incredibly irritable for a while. There wasn't really much of a decision to make there.
Opening yet another portal, Nat herded her companions through and looked around. They were on the talan that belonged to Haldir and Elbereth, just outside the building. Aragorn had just arrived, apparently cutting short their “daily argument”.
“Elbereth, I was wondering if I could speak with you. Privately.” Glancing at Haldir.
“That is my cue to leave.” Leaving the two alone.
“What is wrong with him?”
“Nothing that concerns you. Our problems. That is all.” Walking around the talan tidying up things. “What is it you want Adar?” Not looking at him.
“I have spoken to the Lady and we are leaving soon. We need another member of the Fellowship. Nine companions against the Nine Riders.”
Both Nat and Kelvin sensed Cassie’s sudden mood change and, in an instant of shared thought, moved like lightning. Kelvin grabbed her from behind, pinning her left arm and covering her mouth to stifle the enraged shriek, while Nat caught the things Cassie dropped and tucked them in her pocket. The utterly enraged Agent still had one hand free, though, and she made good use of it, pummelling Kelvin’s arm and digging her nails in hard enough to draw blood. This made him wince visibly, but he gamely held on until Nat was able to get Cassie’s free arm pinned.
“Maybe… bringing her here… wasn't such a great idea…” the young woman puffed.
“Agreed,” Kelvin muttered, trying not to wince as Cassie attempted to bite his hand. “What do we do now?”
“We get her out of here and calm her down.”
Between them, they manhandled Cassie down to the tree’s base, where Nat delivered a solid-looking punch to her friend’s stomach. Kelvin winced as the young woman doubled up in his grasp, gasping for breath. “Was that really necessary?”
“Yes,” Nat replied calmly. “I pulled it a bit, nothing should be damaged. Just let her rest for a bit.” Quite carefully, the Elf helped Cassie sit down and lean against the tree to regain her breath. Nat calmly took out the notepad and pen and wrote down the charge that had caused the commotion.
“Are you all right, Cass?” she enquired once she was done.
“Be fine…” She was still gasping a bit, but managed a weak smile. “Gimme the pad back, you missed a few.” Nat raised an eyebrow, but handed the notebook back.
“You know, maybe we should just do the rest of the fic like this, there isn’t much left…”
“I’ll be fine.” Cassie finished off a charge and stubbornly climbed to her feet. “I’m going to get even with her if it kills me. What’s the next scene?”
“It’s the Sue and Haldir arguing about her joining the Fellowship,” Kelvin said, staring at the Words and reporting what they said. “He leaves after a while and she starts crying.”
“That’s a charge. Thanks, Kelvin. Anything else?”
“No, just another one of those… what did you call them? Scene dividers.” They covered their ears, endured the divider, which was rather less ostentatious than the previous one, and looked around at where they had ended up - by the area that made up the “docks” of Lorien. They watched the scene playing out, staying as close to the Sue as they could without attracting her notice and working out a plan to grab her.
She scanned the crowds of elves readying the Fellowship for their journey. Legolas and Boromir were loading the boats as two of the hobbits chatted. She turned to see her father talking with the Lord in low voices. She didn't want to listen or talk to anyone. Walking away from all the preparations towards the water's edge and only keeping her thoughts to herself. Her eyes drifted to the opposite bank and remembered that was where he had given her a wedding present.
“Now!” Nat hissed. They dived for her. Kelvin pinned her arms, Nat stunned her with a well-aimed right hook, and Cassie opened a portal for them all to rush through.
***
If looks could kill, Elbereth would have died several times over by now. After writing the last of the charges she wanted to add, Cassie looked ready to rip the Sue’s throat out.
“Um, Cass? You can charge her now.” Nat nudged her friend, hoping to snap her out of it.
“Hm? Oh, yes.” The shorter girl took out her notebook, opened it to the right page, and almost smiled at the struggling Elbereth. “We’ve got a few complaints. Well, I say a few…” She looked up at Kelvin. “This is where you usually need good lungs.” Turning back to the Sue, she began the spiel she had learned by heart.
“Elbereth, known also as Mary Sue, it is my duty as an Agent of the Protectors of the Plot Continuum to inform you that you have been charged with numerous crimes against this continuum. They are as follows: having noisy and pointless author’s notes; using unnecessary tense shifts; using very, very bad grammar; goddamn stupid and grammatically incorrect stage-direction style taglines; stealing canonical names for an OC, to whit, Elbereth; making Arwen disrespect the Valar by naming her illegitimate daughter after one; creating an illegitimate daughter of a canonically married couple, namely Aragorn and Arwen; causing an impossible liaison between Aragorn and Arwen…”
She took a deep breath. “And we’re still on the first page. Moving on: having Arwen randomly wander around a forest with her three-year-old daughter, and only a couple of guards for protection; altering the laws of biology and/or physics by creating trees tall enough to reach the sun; making Aragorn unable to enter a forest for no obvious reason; making trees speak; flying; idiotic and childish author’s notes -”
“Cass, you already charged for author’s notes,” Nat pointed out.
“Oh, no, these are different ones. Where was I? Oh, yeah - causing canon characters to act stupidly; making Aragorn take his five-year-old daughter to Mirkwood for an ‘adventure’; using annoying cliché phrases; making Aragorn abusive towards his horse; manifesting a flying horse; making Mirkwood have gates; implying that Thranduil’s realm covers all of Mirkwood; using numerals without cause; causing events to happen out of canon plotline order, to whit, Gollum being in Mirkwood over twenty years early…” She kicked the Sue hard. “I don’t like it when people mess up the timelines.”
“Um, how much longer are we going to be at this?” Kelvin asked. “Not that I’m complaining, I’m just curious as to how long this part usually takes.”
“As long as it takes,” Nat sighed, as Cassie resumed her monologue.
“Having Aragorn be unwelcome in Rivendell; implying that Elrond would ever try to kill Aragorn, who is his foster son; causing Aragorn and Legolas to be friends before the War of the Ring; making Legolas ‘blonde’ when he is in fact ‘blond’; causing Aragorn to be willing to teach a five-year-old to fight; making Thranduil use his son as a menial errand runner; having Legolas exclude himself from Thranduil’s council meeting in favour of teaching a child archery; making Legolas give you a piggyback; manifesting a child-sized bow and arrow; causing canon characters to use anachronistic language; having Aragorn ‘pack a horse’; not knowing the name of your own bloody species…” She stopped for a deep breath.
“Being a competent warrior despite not having been trained for the last thirteen years; causing random Orc attacks in Lothlorien; becoming exhausted and passing out after a short swim; making Haldir ‘blonde’ when he is ‘blond’; being proud of being illegitimate and implying that Arwen is proud of having an illegitimate daughter; speaking Westron in your sleep when your native tongue is Sindarin; making Haldir not know who you are despite being a member of his rulers’ immediate family; sleeping for three days for no real reason; making twenty people a ‘host’; calling Rumil a good conversation…”
“You know, if you weren’t so concerned about reading every single charge -” Nat started.
“You were the one who wouldn’t let me kill her earlier, so shut up and let me get on with it,” Cassie gritted in reply before turning a page. “Making Haldir sexist; calling Celeborn your grandfather when he is technically your great-grandfather; creating and kidnapping mini-Balrogs, namely the Valor, Galdriel, Middle Earth and Khazad-Dum; making Celeborn spy on you; causing Haldir to behave like a lovestruck fool over you; making Haldir talk to himself; getting married at eighteen, which is nowhere near puberty for Elves and well below the normal age of marriage for the Dúnedain, so either way you’re too young; making Haldir attempt to sleep with you before a) you reach maturity and b) the wedding day; randomly foreseeing things; using stupid markers for flashbacks and nearly deafening PPC Agents…”
She turned slightly pink as she began reading the next charges out, but carried on without changing rhythm. “Writing formulaic, boring sex scenes which are obviously based on reading other poorly-written sex scenes; being a cocktease; getting married before your mother, who as an Elf should technically already be married; being unclear as to who says what and implying that either Haldir or yourself is desperate enough for a five-minute shag; giving Haldir magically self-unfastening leggings; using the excuse ‘getting carried away in the moment’, which is not an excuse; being unfair by getting Haldir hot and bothered and then backing off; thinking it’s all right for the guy to get off pre-wedding but not the girl; apparently enjoying fellatio and being good at it despite never having done it before; having a dress with ‘ties’ but no buttons; turning said dress into a liquid; wearing nothing underneath said dress; getting overexcited and groaning at the sight of Haldir’s bits, thereby giving PPC Agents a WTF moment; no foreplay, especially as it’s your first time; having no idea about how ‘breaking the barrier’ works; thinking ‘lovemaking’ is just about having the relevant bits connected; having it off continually for a whole night; resting in the sky; passing out for two days because of having it off; blatantly having no clue about sex -”
Overcome with curiosity by this point, Nat queried, “How exactly did you know these charges?”
Cassie flushed a little. “When you end up next to Slashers talking shop every time you go to the cafeteria, you pick a few things up. Why do you want to know?”
“I just didn’t know how you knew. You could have been talking from personal experience.”
“Hardly!” Cassie’s face was getting redder. She glanced at Kelvin, but he was sitting a little way away, trying to pretend he couldn’t hear the conversation. “Shut up and let me get this finished.”
“Gladly.”
It took the embarrassed Agent a few seconds to find her place again. “Um… where was I? Ah. Causing Elves to have honeymoons; causing Haldir to see you as a breeding instrument; making Haldir say stupid things that give PPC Agents unwanted mental images; bloody stupid scene breaks; making Haldir come home just to check if his wife is pregnant rather than to see how she is; changing timelines without cause, namely by making the Fellowship reach Lothlorien two years early; causing Elves to become totally unobservant and letting the Fellowship practically reach them before spotting them coming; not liking Gimli -”
“That’s not a charge, Cass.”
“Shut up.”
Nat sighed and went over to Kelvin, trying to distract him (and herself, truth be told) with random conversation, while Cassie doggedly ploughed through her charge list.
“Copying lines directly from the movie and then misspelling them; causing Elves to know about Hobbits and have books about them; sensing the One Ring without knowing about it; altering the geography of Lothlorien; making Elves wear heavy armour; random foreshadowing; arrogant author’s notes; making Haldir argue ‘daily’ with his wife for no apparent reason; joining the Fellowship of the Ring; making Aragorn come up with a stupid reason to have you join the Fellowship; making Galadriel suggest her great-granddaughter, who is still technically a child, should join the Fellowship; crying just because Haldir said he didn’t like the idea of you joining the Fellowship, which is frankly a stupid reason to bawl your head off; making Haldir’s brothers spy on him; bloody loud author’s notes; using unannounced scene changes and thereby causing PPC Agents bodily harm; lack of proper paragraphing; blatant one-handed typing; throwing everyone OOC; not knowing what language you’re speaking; and displaying knowledge of the books and still writing this pile of garbage.”
She stopped for a moment, regaining her breath again, and grinned. “Whoops. Almost forgot my favourite charges.” Leaning close to the Sue with a slightly crazy glint in her eye, the blonde girl hissed, “You are also charged with pissing off PPC Agents to the nth degree, with being a Mary Sue, and finally with CREATING OVER ONE HUNDRED GODDAMN CHARGES AND GIVING ME WRITER’S CRAMP!” The sudden shriek made everyone jump. “And that’s quite possibly a record for the PPC. Either way, it’s earned you a nice, slow, painful death.”
Cassie took a deep breath and looked down at the Sue, who was thrashing around in panic. “Do you have any last words?”
Nat and Kelvin had stood up on hearing the shriek and now came over. “I take it you’ve finished,” the ellon said, eying Elbereth nervously.
“Yep.” Cassie grinned rather worryingly. “And now it’s time to kill her. I’ve got just the thing.” She took out her RA and opened a portal. “Don’t go through!” she warned her companions as they moved towards it. “I’m not sure how close to it the portal is.”
“Close to what?” Nat asked.
“You’ll see.”
“Cass, what are you planning?”
Cassie heaved the Sue over to the portal and shoved her through it. “It’s a surprise,” she replied, her expression one of manic glee, before stepping through the portal and closing it behind her quickly, leaving the other two behind. She didn’t hear Nat’s shout.
“CASS!”
The Agent in question looked around at her surroundings. Wide open space, nobody around for miles… Perfect. She turned to Elbereth, who was trying to scream for help through her gag. “Shush, now. We’ve got plenty of time for me to get even with you, you Canon-destroying little bitch.” The Sue’s eyes opened wider in terror as Cassie drew her knife.
***
Meanwhile, Nat was frantically opening portals to every place she could think of and searching around them, dragging the mystified Kelvin with her. Her panicked hunt turned up no leads, however, and after several hours, she collapsed onto a handy nearby rock and stared out at the landscape, which happened to be the area around Weathertop.
“Where the bloody hell is she?” she muttered to herself. Kelvin caught the comment, however, and attempted to offer some consolation.
“Well, I’m sure we’ll find her eventually. There are only so many places -”
“We’ve got the whole of Middle-earth to search, pal. And that’s assuming she’s even in Middle-earth. She could have gone to any canon, or even just gone to a different point in the timeline… for all I know, she’s a few thousand years behind us.”
“Oh.” Kelvin pondered this for a while. “Well, then, isn’t there something back at… HQ that could help us find her? You have devices that can do all kinds of things, after all.”
“Yes!” Nat leapt up and opened a portal back to HQ. “Kelvin, you’re a genius. Come on!” She dashed through the portal. By the time he had followed, she was tapping at the console’s main keyboard so fast that her fingers were a blur.
“Location… report… on… Agent… Young…” the lanky girl muttered as she typed. Kelvin noted with some surprise that her disguise had vanished, but decided that that was something he would have to ask about later. The little fiery creatures he had noticed before came over and started sniffing around him. He backed away nervously, but they followed him.
“Um… Nat?”
“Give ‘em some bacon,” Nat said absently as she worked.
“Some what?”
“It’s in the cupboard over there.” She indicated a pair of doors set into the wall. He opened it and took out a half-empty packet of bacon, quickly handing it over to the minis, who dived on it eagerly. He watched them for a moment, bemused, and then jumped slightly as the console beeped and displayed the report Nat had asked for.
[Agent Young is located in the canon world “Lord of the Rings”, in the story “Being In Love Is Twice As Hard” by writer “QueenOfTheDiamondDogs”. She is currently in the Gladden Fields, accompanied by the Sue “Elbereth”.]
Nat tapped in a few commands. “‘ome in on Agent… open portal… okay, let’s go get ‘er.” She nodded to the glowing doorway that had appeared, and Kelvin stepped through it. She was right behind him. They both winced at the sound of muffled screaming from nearby, but headed towards it. The noise seemed to be coming from behind a nearby pile of rocks.
The Elf rounded the pile a few steps ahead of his partner. She saw him stare, then blanch, then turn rather green and stumble back towards her. He only managed a few steps before he promptly dropped to his knees and threw up. Nat dashed past him. “What the ‘ell has she - HOLY FUCK!”
Kelvin retched a few more times, then sat back against the rocks, trying with little success to get the scene he’d witnessed out of his head. He heard the sound of squelching footsteps and arguing.
“Cassie, gimme that knife -”
“I’m not finished.”
“Oh, yes, ya fuckin’ well are. Now give it!”
“No chance!”
“You’re gonna be a lot more finished if ya don’t - oi! Watch where you’re wavin’ that!”
“Back off then!”
“‘and it over!”
“NO!”
“NOW!” There was the sound of a brief struggle, then -
“OWOWOW my arm -”
“Drop it!”
“It’s mine - arrgh! Fine! There! I dropped it! Stoppitthathurts!”
“Snap out of it, ya fuckin’ loony!” There was a squeal of pain, followed by a few moments of silence.
“Ugh… what happened?” Cassie sounded rather disgusted.
“You did, ya cnychn uffar gwirion!”
“You what?”
“You ‘eard me.”
“I don’t speak Welsh, and would you - Erudammit! - would you mind letting go before you dislocate my arms?”
“Oh. Sorry. Better?”
“Owowow… nghh. Yeah, better. What did you call me?”
“I called ya a fuckin’ silly bastard. Now get round there wi’ Kelvin an’ try ta get some o’ that off yourself while I get rid o’ this mess.” Nat sounded a little sickened, though mostly angry. There was more squelching, and Cassie came around the rocks to join Kelvin. The sight of her didn’t help him much, as she was covered in glitter blood and scowling. Her expression turned to one of concern when she saw him.
“What - are you okay?”
“I’ve… been better,” he replied weakly, trying not to throw up again at the sickly sweet, metallic smell that was coming off her. “Would - would you mind moving away a bit?”
“Huh? Oh.” She backed off and began trying to wipe the glitter away. This didn’t work very well, as her hands were already covered in it, so all she was really doing was smearing it more evenly, but at least she was making an effort.
From behind the rock pile, Kelvin heard a muted little whimper as Nat quickly finished off the Sue. There was a bit of rattling and the sound of a portal opening. A bit of squishing and a few splashes later, the skinny Agent came back around to join her partners, wiping her hands off on her trousers. “I dumped as much of ‘er as I could inta the sea,” she announced. “An’ ‘opefully the mess that’s left’ll wear away soon enough. Now…” She examined the situation and sighed. “I’d better get you two sorted.” Helping Kelvin to his feet, she opened a portal and shoved Cassie through it quite roughly before half-leading, half-carrying the ellon through.
Depositing him in the nearest chair, Nat hurried over to a cupboard and pulled out some of Cassie’s clothes, then rounded on the glitter-smeared Agent who was standing nearby looking sheepish. “You. Go an’ get washed an’ changed.” She dumped the clothes in the washroom. “An’ then ya can go ta the laundry.”
Cassie vanished into the little room as quickly as she could, evidently recognising that her partner was dangerously close to breaking point. After a minute or two, Nat and Kelvin heard water splashing. Digging out a bottle of water from her backpack, the young woman handed it over. “Ya might want to ‘ave a few sips ta settle yourself. Oh, an’ take a couple o’ these, too.” She passed him a small bottle filled with small white tablets, similar to what Cassie had used during the mission.
“What are they?”
“Bleeprin. They’ll ‘elp get rid o’ the memories, an’ they might ‘elp wi’ your stomach, too.”
He took a few, followed them up with a few sips of water, and looked astonished. “They really do help. Thank you very much.”
“Ah, ‘s nothin’. Keep ‘em, I’ve a feelin’ ya might need ‘em again,” she added as he made to give the pills back.
They sat in silence until Cassie re-emerged, wearing old jeans and a very creased t-shirt. She stuffed her bloody uniform into a carrier bag, then rummaged in a drawer and pulled out a bar of chocolate, which she jammed into her pocket. “I’ll just head down to the laundry, then,” she announced, “and I might nip in and see how Georgia and Kumori are on my way back.” She opened the door to the corridor.
She jumped back as a very pale man sprinted past her, closely followed by several dozen bellowing Agents. Nat stifled a chuckle at Kelvin’s slightly stunned expression. Once the noise of the stampede had faded, Cassie said calmly, “Okay, now I’ll just head down to the laundry,” and left, shutting the door perhaps a little harder than necessary.
Nat looked over at her new partner, unable to hide the wry smile stealing across her face. “Well, Kelvin,” she said quietly, “welcome ta the PPC.”
They stepped through into the middle of a fight. Quickly scanning the Words, Cassie clarified that Elbereth had been travelling to Rivendell with Arwen, but had barely got out of Lorien before deciding to go back, accompanied by only four guards.
She had finally reached the river but it was fast and too strong for her horse. It's legs buckled underneath him and they were both swept down the river. Elbereth managed to release herself from the saddle and try and swim them both to shore but it was no use, her horse had gone under the surface and she felt herself being dragged under too, so she let go of the reins and began swimming to the shore. Suddenly she heard and felt arrows fly past her, luckily none hit her. She dragged herself onto the opposite shore and tried to pull herself to safety but tiredness overcame her. Collapsing on the river's edge, unable to move as exhaustion overcame her. She felt the ground vibrating underneath her and she braced herself to be killed but death never came. She opened her eyes as much as she could and saw elven men surrounding her and fighting the orcs off. She could see a figure walking towards her but she had passed out before she could see who it was.
The speed of the action left the group slightly dizzy.
“Ow. That was just plain weird.” Kelvin nodded his agreement with Nat and leaned against the wall that had just appeared, shaking his head a little to clear it. After a moment, he froze as he realised they were in the Sue’s bedroom. Glancing at his partners with concern, the Elf saw that they had also spotted the problem and were edging towards the window. He joined them, and luckily they managed to make a rapid exit unnoticed while Elbereth was talking to Haldir.
While they took stock of their situation, Nat suggested that they just pick up charges from the Words until the Sue was more accessible. Sitting down and leaning back against a tree, Cassie began scrawling away in her notebook, often stopping to squint at the Words. To Kelvin, of course, it looked as though she was staring into space. He tried to work out what she was looking at, gazing in the same direction, but saw nothing except the trees of Lórien.
Eventually Nat took pity on him and explained what was going on. “It’s not that difficult, really, it’s just a matter of getting the knack of it. If you look at it like this…” She demonstrated, although with a rather more exaggerated expression than necessary. “You try it.” On making the attempt, Kelvin was surprised to see the faint Words hovering in the background.
“What causes that?”
“I have no idea. Cass probably knows, but I wouldn’t try asking her just yeeeeeeeee- OOF!”
They were hurled through a time jump without warning. The jolt of suddenly shifting three days forwards caused everyone to bang their heads against whatever they had been leaning on. Somewhere in HQ, the Narrative Laws of Comedy sniggered and gave the Ironic Overpower a high-five.
As she retrieved her glasses from her lap and tried to put them back on without poking herself in the eye, Cassie muttered, “I swear this fic’s out to get us.”
“The Sue probably is,” Nat replied, probing gingerly at the bruise she’d developed on the side of her head. “You okay, Kel?”
“I’m fine…” He tried to ignore the pain in his head and looked around. “There’s something going on over there.” He indicated a clearing close by. Elbereth and Rumil had descended from the tree while the PPCers had been groaning over their bumps, and now reached the clearing, where they found Haldir and a host of escorts waiting for them. Elbereth smiled at Haldir but he kept a straight and sincere face as she climbed onto her horse. The escort of around twenty left with Elbereth in the middle of them all and Haldir riding at her side without uttering a word.
“Hey, I bet we could join them,” Cassie said, moving to stand up.
“Bad idea.” Nat got up anyway. “But we’ll follow them.”
“Awww…” Cassie pouted.
“And that’s why we’re not joining them. I’ve only got so much Anti-Lustin.”
“Spoilsport.”
“One of us has to be the sensible one, and you’re not setting yourself up as a candidate. Just write some more charges, I’m sure you can find plenty while we walk.” With that, the taller girl spun on her heel and headed off after the Sue. The other two quickly followed. After a few minutes, Nat looked up at Kelvin, who was examining their surroundings with evident interest. “You don't talk much, do you?” she commented with a smile.
“Hm? Oh. I suppose not. I haven’t really got much to say that would be any use. You and Cassie are the experienced ones here, whereas I’m completely at a loss.”
“You’ll pick things up quickly enough,” she assured him. “Neither of us had a clue what we were doing when we joined. Although I’m not entirely sure how long ago that was, to be honest.”
“You must have been with the PPC for years, then.”
“Nah, not quite,” she chuckled. “I’ll check what the date is when we get back. It’s just that HQ doesn't have days or weeks as such, mostly because there’s no sun or anything, and good luck trying to get a clock to work in that place. Can’t’ve been more than a year ago, though. I should get in touch with my mum and dad and let them know how things’re going some time…” She fell silent, thinking back to what it had been like back in the Real World.
“Um, guys?” Cassie seemed a little puzzled. “Where exactly are we?”
Nat stopped short and looked around. She had been so caught up in the conversation, and then her thoughts of home, that she’d completely lost track of their target. “Um… we’re… here?”
“You’ve got us lost, haven’t you?”
“Nah, can portal to the next location easily enough.” Producing her RA with a flourish, Nat entered the co-ordinates for Caras Galadhon and opened the portal. “After you two, then.”
“Don’t the characters ever notice these?” Kelvin enquired as he went through after Cassie. “I mean, surely something that glows bright blue would attract attention.”
“It’s never happened to us before,” the smaller woman said, shrugging. “It’s just one of those things. They don’t notice us, either, unless we do something that gets their attention.”
“Speaking of paying attention, maybe we should try it,” Nat observed as she joined them, nodding towards the conversation between Celeborn, Elbereth and Haldir that was taking place.
“Haldir, I thank you for bringing her home safely.” Inclining his head towards him and then turning back to Elbereth. “As for you, what were you thinking leaving your mother and near enough on your own?” Elbereth just bowed her head in shame. “No matter, you are safe...” Kissing her on the top of her head. “...And well. For that we shall have a feast in honour of your saviours.”
“Really?” Looking up at him smiling in delight.
“Yes.” Looking back at Haldir. “Will you and the heroes join us?”
“It would be an honour, my Lord.” Bowing to the two and then leaving.
Later that night at the feast
Everyone seemed to be enjoying themselves but not Haldir.
Despite her head ringing from the line in bold, Cassie had to stifle a giggle at the sentence that came after it.
“What’s so funny?” Kelvin asked.
“That line.” She pointed it out. “Just reminded me of a line from legolas by Laura.”
“What’s that?”
“‘Mean While at Mondor the dark lord was planing to kidnap the princess but not Legolas,’” Cassie quoted, still trying not to laugh.
Nat gave her a mystified look. “When did you read that? I thought it was killed ages back.”
“There’re still some copies of the Words for it floating around, and a few people in the cafeteria were doing a competitive reading of it the other day, so I joined in.”
Kelvin was looking from one girl to the other, trying to work out what they were talking about. “Legolas is one of the Canon characters, isn’t he?”
“Yeah, that’s right.” Cassie looked mildly impressed.
“Who is this Laura, then?”
“Oh, she’s the author of a badfic about Legolas. A Legendary one, actually. I’ll see if I can get hold of a copy for you some time. It’s not as bad as it sounds, it’s just ridiculous. I feel sorry for whoever had to take it on, though.”
“I see.” Kelvin didn't feel entirely reassured by this, but decided not to argue as Cassie brushed past him.
“But for now, let’s get on with this.”
“This” was a conversation between Celeborn and Galadriel. There appeared to have been a time shift, but it was so vaguely worded that none of the Agents had felt anything.
“Do you see what I see, my Lady?” He said to his wife on Haldir's last day before he returned to the borders.
“I do. Can it be? Haldir has found his equal in our great-granddaughter?” Looking at them carefully. “And I can see that she may have also.” Smiling at them.
“If he asks for her hand, will we agree? Her mother in Rivendell and her father, Valor knows where.” As they turned and walked away.
There was a muffled squeal of enthusiasm from Cassie as a group of fourteen mini-Balrogs appeared and came scampering over. She immediately attempted to cuddle them, but had forgotten about the need for flame-proof clothing and stepped back with a yelp, blowing on her fingers.
“Who are these, then?” Nat asked, grinning down at the little group.
“They’re the Valor, of course. Supposed to be Valar.”
“I thought that was one person?”
“Who told you that? I know I didn’t.”
“I just assumed. How many should there be, then?”
“There are fourteen,” Kelvin clarified quietly. “I could name them for you, if you like.” He stopped and flushed slightly as he realised both girls were staring at him.
“Well, it looks like you do know something, then,” Cassie beamed. “Why don’t you tell Nat about the Valar while I get these cuties somewhere safe?” She set about entering co-ordinates into her RA. Kelvin turned to Nat expectantly, and wasn’t sure whether to be relieved or not when she waved him off.
“I’ll look them up later. Think I got my wires crossed, that’s all.”
“You did what?”
“Oh...” This is going to get old very fast, Nat thought as she explained. “It’s an expression that means you got something confused with something else.”
“Ah. I’m sorry.”
“No, it’s fine. You’ll pick it up as you go.”
“Ears!” Cassie hissed, covering her own. The other two followed suit just in time.
“But you will not be back for 8 weeks, do you think I'll survive that long?”
He laughs, “I think you will. The time will fly by and I will be back.” He notices tears have begun to fall down her soft cheeks. “Do not cry. I promise I will be back soon.” He place a finger under her chin and lifts her face up to hers and softly places a kiss on her lips. Elbereth moans into the kiss.
“Blegh.” Nat pulled a face. “We didn't need to see that.” The mangled grammar and spelling had caused an interesting effect, whereby Elbereth appeared to be kissing herself on the lips. The image thus created was extremely painful on the eyes. All three Agents winced and looked away.
“At least we haven’t got to worry about the tenses any more,” Cassie observed, apropos of nothing in particular. “That really wasn't comfortable. How did you stop that, by the way?”
“My new CAD. It’s not a regular one, there’s something attached to it that seems to change its functions.” Nat produced the item in question, only to look at it quizzically. “It’s flashing, but I can’t make out what it says.”
“Try pointing it at the Sue.” Nat did so, and the readout became clear.
[Elbereth. Uncanon. Mary-Sue. Half-Elf. Homeland: Lorien. Suggested remedy: Burn Elbereth.]
“Now I could learn to like this one,” Cassie grinned as she read the message. “Burning sounds fun.”
“Ah.” Nat snapped her fingers as comprehension dawned. “Now I know what kind it is. This’s a DOGA one.”
“How d’you know that?”
Nat looked smug. “So I know something you don’t for once? The DOGA Agents’re called pyros for a reason.”
Cassie took a moment to absorb this. “Oh, the burning thing.”
“Yup.”
They were interrupted by another mini-Balrog. “Well, hello,” Cassie cooed, bending down to it. “Where did you come from?” She peered at the Words. “You’re Galdriel?” It nodded. “Let’s get you somewhere nicer than this place, then.” The Agent opened a portal for the mini, which went through happily enough.
“She’s walking off!” Kelvin blurted out suddenly. This earned him a quizzical look. “I mean the Sue, she’s running off that way.” He ran after her, followed by the two girls, who looked faintly surprised by his quick action.
She ran to their spot, their spot, the place no one knew of. She sank to the grass and lay there, remembering.
FLASHBACKFLASHBACKFLASHBACK (Two days before he left)
The combination of bold font and capslock nearly sent them all to their knees. “This is where I actually start to miss the console…” Nat said weakly, leaning against a tree (of which there were always plenty around, this being Lorien).
“Don’t say that,” Cassie responded, scribbling down a few more charges. “It’ll figure that out and start beeping louder.”
“Then I’ll fiddle with the volume control until it stops beeping louder.”
“Well, excuse me, Techno-Danielle.”
“When you’re quite finished with the clever comebacks, there’s a fic to deal with here, and Haldir’s just proposed.”
“He what?” Cassie dug around in her backpack, extracted her own CAD - a regular Canon Analysis model - and pointed it at the Canon character, who was currently kissing the Sue’s hand. It started flashing wildly and displaying a message.
[Haldir. Elf male. Canon. Out of Character 79.982376541% CHARACTER RUPTURE MEEBLE MEEBLE BYE BYE NO CAKE HERE-] It heated up to an alarming temperature, causing its owner to yelp and drop it. The impact broke it up.
“Oh, bugger. That’s all I need.”
Nat shrugged, wholly unconcerned, and turned to the mini-Balrog that had appeared just as Cassie dropped the CAD. “You’d be…”
“Middle Earth,” Kelvin supplied, peering at the Words.
“Ooh, I know him!” Cassie cut in excitedly, leaving the remains of her CAD to cool off and turning her attention to the mini. “We met you a while back, didn't we? Back in the Ambellina mission.” It nodded. “Aw, and you got dragged in here? I’ll send you back to the Adoption Agency.” She opened a portal for the miniature Maia, and then went to pick up the sorry-looking remnants of her CAD. “You’d think that DoSAT would invent a CAD that lasted more than three missions,” she groused, tucking the bits away.
“What’s up with you?” Nat was looking at Kelvin, who was staring determinedly in the opposite direction to Elbereth and Haldir, his face shading a rather brighter colour than Elves’ usually did.
“They’re… um… well…” he stammered, going redder. Nat peered around the tree they were hiding behind, and came back rather quickly, trying to look nonchalant, although her face was slightly pink as well.
“Haldir’s got his hand up her dress,” she reported to Cassie, who choked, nearly dropped her notebook and had to make an undignified grab for it.
“Obviously they’ve never heard the phrase ‘get a room’,” she replied, flicking a glance at the Words. Kelvin didn't need that one explaining, although it made him blush even more. He joined Cassie in examining the text of the fic.
“There’s another -”
FLASHBACKENDSFLASHBACKENDSFLASHBACKENDS
“- marker,” he groaned, wincing at the ringing in his ears. The other two weren’t in a much better position. There were downsides to the disguise generator, one being more sensitive hearing.
“Anyway,” Cassie said, shaking her head, “shall we go and watch Little Miss Name-Stealer have her Dramatic Reunion?”
Nat nodded, and then paused. “Cass, you know you were randomly capitalising things there?”
“Yeah, but they deserved it.”
Deciding that it wasn't worth arguing over, the taller girl wandered over to join Cassie and Kelvin, who were heading towards the random gates, where they watched Elbereth greet Haldir.
“I want to marry you soon and be bound to you.”
“I want that more than anything. When do you suggest we marry?” Continuing the walk.
“A week today?”
“Yes that sounds perfect.” Smiling to herself as they approached the Lord and Lady.
A/N: R& R guys! Please!!
“How about no?” Cassie yawned. “Unless she wants me to flame her or something.”
“No flaming. That makes us as bad as the people who write these things.”
“I know, I know.” She nudged her glasses back up and turned to Kelvin. “A flame is when you comment on a fic and basically insult it and the person who wrote it.”
“But flames are fire,” he replied, puzzled. “Why would you use that term for them?”
Casse opened her mouth to answer, then closed it again, slightly bemused. “That’s… a really good question. I don't know why we call them flames. You’d have to ask around.” She winced a little as the next chapter opened, but it was Nat who grasped the situation first.
“Everyone out.”
“What -?”
“Unless you want to stay and watch those two -” Nat indicated the Sue and Haldir with a jerk of her head - “getting naughty, you’ll leave about now.” She slipped out of the room and waited for the other two before leading them down to the bottom of the tree in which the talan was built.
“More reading the Words?” Cassie sighed.
“Like I said, if you want to watch, you’re welcome.”
“You’ve got a point,” the bespectacled girl admitted. “Fine, we’ll stay here. Might even get some sleep, too. Though I’ll have to sneak up and grab a couple of charges first-hand at some point.”
“You do that.” Nat was already pulling out her sleeping bag. Kelvin followed her example, then sat down on it, removed his weapons, and began examining them closely for any damage they might have sustained. Nat sprawled happily on hers, producing her Gameboy and slotting in whatever her current favourite game was. Cassie rolled her eyes, but took out her own sleeping bag, got comfortable on it, and began noting down charges, though with a rather pink face.
When it started growing dark, she got up and headed up towards the talan. “Where are you going?” Kelvin asked.
“Need to check on something,” she mumbled, looking rather embarrassed.
“Shall I come with you?” He moved to get up, but stopped when she waved him off.
“No! Er, no. It’ll be fine. Probably be best if you didn’t.”
“Cass, if you pull any stunts while you’re up there…” Nat warned.
“I’ll behave, I promise. I’ll be back down within five minutes.”
“I’ll be timing you.”
“Yeah, yeah.” Cassie shrugged, but dashed up the stairs anyway. She peeped through the window and watched the scene. Haldir and Elbereth had just entered the room.
He shut the door to their bedroom but was taken by surprise when she pushed his back against the door almost violently and passionately claimed his lips. He grinned into the kiss and began licking her lips to gain entry into her mouth, which she let him. Their tongues wrestled for dominance, neither winning. He pushed her further into the middle of the room and fumbling with the ties of her dress. “Help me Elbereth.” He chuckled as she pushed his hands away from the ties and pulled them apart. Her dress pooled at her feet revealing she wore nothing underneath.
Cassie shut her eyes, not having wanted the image of a stark naked Sue burned into her brain. “For crying out loud,” she muttered, “have the Elves never heard of underwear?!”
A gang of mini-Balrogs popped into existence nearby at a groan from Haldir. The Agent looked at them suspiciously. “Haven't I seen you lot before?” The biggest one nodded. She sighed and rolled her eyes. “The Valor again. Although I think we should really get you lot out of here…” Dialling up a portal as quickly as she could, she herded the group through it just in time. Parts of the talan were starting to smoulder.
She peeked through the window once more and then covered her eyes. “I did not need to see that, I did not need to see that…” Stumbling back down the stairs to the makeshift camp, she kept muttering this mantra to herself until she tripped over Nat’s legs.
“Ow! Who the fuck is that?”
“It’s Cassie, who else is going to be wandering around here?”
“Get off!”
“I’m trying to, if you’d give me a minute!”
“That was my shin!”
“Well, I can’t see what I’m doing!”
There was a rustling noise, and then a torch was swiched on.
“OW! That’s right in my eyes!”
“Sorry!” The light was directed elsewhere, but finally allowed Cassie to stand up without damaging Nat’s legs further.
“Are you two quite all right?” Kelvin asked, having waited until the arguing stopped.
“We’re fine,” Cassie replied, brushing herself down. “Nat just decided to try to sleep with her legs sticking out where anyone could trip over them.”
“I wasn’t asleep,” Nat objected.
“You were doing a bloody good impression, then.”
“You can’t talk, you spread yourself out all over the place.”
“Maybe we should all try to get some sleep,” Kelvin suggested mildly, “instead of arguing about it.”
“…Fine.” Cassie marched over to her sleeping bag and crawled inside. “Night, all.” There were muttered replies, but soon the camp was silent.
Nat, usually a late riser, was the last up the next day, or whenever it was; she’d given up trying to keep track of the time shifts in this fic. She sat up, rubbed her eyes, and looked around. Kelvin was leaning against a tree, either lost in contemplation of something or trying to outstare the shrub opposite him, though she doubted it was the latter. Cassie, of course, was writing charges down.
“What did I miss?” Nat said as she extracted herself from her sleeping bag.
“Not much. Our Sue’s just woken up and gone for breakfast.”
“That sounds like a good idea.” Nat rummaged in her bag.
“What does?” Kelvin asked, turning his gaze on the skinny girl.
“Breakfast. Except we haven’t really got much. There’s some chocolate, a couple of packets of instant soup, some more chocolate, some mints… Wow, we really are unhealthy eaters.” She took out some chocolate and started in on it with evident relish. “Still, need to keep our energy up.”
“If you say so.” Cassie noted down another charge, stared at the Words, and then covered her head in her sleeping bag.
“Cass, are you feeling all ri- ”
Disclaimer: I do not own any characters except Elbereth's character but her name belongs to Professor Tolkien. Any dialogue you recognise it belongs to Philippa Boyens, Fran Walsh and Peter Jackson, legends in other words. Also I am using the extended addition of the films and any English that is in italics then the dialogue is Elvish.
Chapter 7: New Life Together
“…Oh.” This wasn’t the most intelligent-sounding comment Nat could have made, but she was slightly dazed, so perhaps it wasn't surprising. Cassie removed the sleeping bag from her head, smirked at her partners and packed the item away.
“Come on, it’s a brand new day and we have a Sue to kill.”
“What’s got you so chirpy?” Nat groused as she packed her things.
“Been planning out what I’m going to do to her.” Cassie flashed a dazzling grin. “I’m sure she’ll appreciate all the things she’s done wrong once it gets going.”
“Cass… you’re not going to do anything stupid, are you?”
“Who, little old me?”
“Yes, little old you. Ancient old you, actually.” By this point, all three had packed and were trekking off in search of Elbereth.
“Ancient? Cheeky sod, I’m only three months older than you!” Nat dodged a swipe, grinning broadly now that she was playing her favourite game - Winding Cassie Up. Kelvin, who was walking on the opposite side of Nat to Cassie, simply sighed and cast his eyes upwards, as if looking for help.
“That’s plenty, you’re still a lot older than I am.”
“As soon as we get back to HQ, I’m going to -”
“What, jump up and bite my ankles?”
“Okay, that’s below the belt.”
“Yeah, mine.” Nat had to dodge another lunge. Cassie was getting seriously annoyed now.
“When you two are done…” Kelvin said wearily. He indicated the scene nearby, where Haldir and Elbereth were talking.
She laughed softly. “How many children do we have?”
“Four.”
“Four? Who is to say I shall want to be pregnant four times?” Laughing at his face.
“You laugh at me!”
“I do not.” Laughing still. “Four children sounds prefect to me.” Walking a little faster. “So when do we have our first?” Giving him a backward glance.
“I do not know. I hope soon.”
They had reached their hidden spot and Elbereth lay on the ground. “Let us start now.” Pulling him to the ground next to her. He lay on his back and she immediately straddled him.
“And I think this is where we make our exit and let them get on with it,” Nat said hastily, doing an abrupt about-turn.
“I quite agree,” Kelvin said, almost running over Cassie in his hurry to exit the area. She followed, not at all unwillingly, though the charge list was expanding steadily as she walked. They waited out the random sex scene well out of earshot. All was going well until a random scene divider turned up.
O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O
“For crying out loud…” Cassie didn't look too well.
“Shall I take over for a bit?” Nat offered suddenly, reaching for the notebook.
“Yeah, sure,” was the reply, and Cassie handed the pad over. “If you can even spot any charges.”
“Your face is a charge.”
“Shut up. And grow up.”
“Can we please concentrate?” Kelvin said plaintively. Cassie became very interested in rummaging through her bag for more Bleeprin, while Nat stared hard at the Words. The taller girl read the upcoming paragraph several times, and then triumphantly wrote down a charge. Her neat, careful handwriting made a startling contrast to Cassie’s frenzied scribble.
Just as she finished writing the last word, however, Cassie ripped the notebook and pen back and began writing so violently that she nearly ripped the paper.
“What now?”
“Screwing… with… timelines…” Cassie growled. “Fellowship’s arrived two fucking years early.” Nat shook her head in disbelief, then stared at Cassie.
“Did you just swear?”
“Yes,” was the curt reply. “Is there a problem with that?”
“No, no, it’s just unexpected.” Eying the white knuckles Cassie was displaying, Nat decided to jump them all to the next section of fic. Opening the portal, she nudged her smaller partner through and nodded to Kelvin to follow. They stepped through, right into a scene lifted directly from the film.
As they moved through the forest Elbereth heard a deep, gruff voice which she recognised as a dwarf's voice. "Stay close, young Hobbit. They say a great sorceress lives in these woods. An elf witch of terrible power." She looked at Haldir with anger on her face, he just shook his head and silently moved forward with his bow and arrow ready and a hand raised to get ready to poise. "All who look upon her fall under her spell. Well there's one dwarf she won't ensnare so easy. I have the eyes of a hawk and ears of a fox." His hand went down and all of the elves pointed their bows and arrows at the Fellowship. Elbereth had her bow and arrow on the dwarf with hate in her eyes. All of the party stopped in their tracks and Haldir stepped forward.
"The dwarf breathes so loud we could have shot him in the dark." He said plainly causing Elbereth to smirk at her captive who just growls.
Cassie was clearly on Gimli’s side, judging from the remarkably deep growl coming from her own throat. Nat considered their options. They could sit through the entire remaining fic, in which case Cassie would spontaneously combust, or go berserk, or something similar. Or they could skip the bits that were copy-pasted from the movie script, in which case Cassie would just be incredibly irritable for a while. There wasn't really much of a decision to make there.
Opening yet another portal, Nat herded her companions through and looked around. They were on the talan that belonged to Haldir and Elbereth, just outside the building. Aragorn had just arrived, apparently cutting short their “daily argument”.
“Elbereth, I was wondering if I could speak with you. Privately.” Glancing at Haldir.
“That is my cue to leave.” Leaving the two alone.
“What is wrong with him?”
“Nothing that concerns you. Our problems. That is all.” Walking around the talan tidying up things. “What is it you want Adar?” Not looking at him.
“I have spoken to the Lady and we are leaving soon. We need another member of the Fellowship. Nine companions against the Nine Riders.”
Both Nat and Kelvin sensed Cassie’s sudden mood change and, in an instant of shared thought, moved like lightning. Kelvin grabbed her from behind, pinning her left arm and covering her mouth to stifle the enraged shriek, while Nat caught the things Cassie dropped and tucked them in her pocket. The utterly enraged Agent still had one hand free, though, and she made good use of it, pummelling Kelvin’s arm and digging her nails in hard enough to draw blood. This made him wince visibly, but he gamely held on until Nat was able to get Cassie’s free arm pinned.
“Maybe… bringing her here… wasn't such a great idea…” the young woman puffed.
“Agreed,” Kelvin muttered, trying not to wince as Cassie attempted to bite his hand. “What do we do now?”
“We get her out of here and calm her down.”
Between them, they manhandled Cassie down to the tree’s base, where Nat delivered a solid-looking punch to her friend’s stomach. Kelvin winced as the young woman doubled up in his grasp, gasping for breath. “Was that really necessary?”
“Yes,” Nat replied calmly. “I pulled it a bit, nothing should be damaged. Just let her rest for a bit.” Quite carefully, the Elf helped Cassie sit down and lean against the tree to regain her breath. Nat calmly took out the notepad and pen and wrote down the charge that had caused the commotion.
“Are you all right, Cass?” she enquired once she was done.
“Be fine…” She was still gasping a bit, but managed a weak smile. “Gimme the pad back, you missed a few.” Nat raised an eyebrow, but handed the notebook back.
“You know, maybe we should just do the rest of the fic like this, there isn’t much left…”
“I’ll be fine.” Cassie finished off a charge and stubbornly climbed to her feet. “I’m going to get even with her if it kills me. What’s the next scene?”
“It’s the Sue and Haldir arguing about her joining the Fellowship,” Kelvin said, staring at the Words and reporting what they said. “He leaves after a while and she starts crying.”
“That’s a charge. Thanks, Kelvin. Anything else?”
“No, just another one of those… what did you call them? Scene dividers.” They covered their ears, endured the divider, which was rather less ostentatious than the previous one, and looked around at where they had ended up - by the area that made up the “docks” of Lorien. They watched the scene playing out, staying as close to the Sue as they could without attracting her notice and working out a plan to grab her.
She scanned the crowds of elves readying the Fellowship for their journey. Legolas and Boromir were loading the boats as two of the hobbits chatted. She turned to see her father talking with the Lord in low voices. She didn't want to listen or talk to anyone. Walking away from all the preparations towards the water's edge and only keeping her thoughts to herself. Her eyes drifted to the opposite bank and remembered that was where he had given her a wedding present.
“Now!” Nat hissed. They dived for her. Kelvin pinned her arms, Nat stunned her with a well-aimed right hook, and Cassie opened a portal for them all to rush through.
***
If looks could kill, Elbereth would have died several times over by now. After writing the last of the charges she wanted to add, Cassie looked ready to rip the Sue’s throat out.
“Um, Cass? You can charge her now.” Nat nudged her friend, hoping to snap her out of it.
“Hm? Oh, yes.” The shorter girl took out her notebook, opened it to the right page, and almost smiled at the struggling Elbereth. “We’ve got a few complaints. Well, I say a few…” She looked up at Kelvin. “This is where you usually need good lungs.” Turning back to the Sue, she began the spiel she had learned by heart.
“Elbereth, known also as Mary Sue, it is my duty as an Agent of the Protectors of the Plot Continuum to inform you that you have been charged with numerous crimes against this continuum. They are as follows: having noisy and pointless author’s notes; using unnecessary tense shifts; using very, very bad grammar; goddamn stupid and grammatically incorrect stage-direction style taglines; stealing canonical names for an OC, to whit, Elbereth; making Arwen disrespect the Valar by naming her illegitimate daughter after one; creating an illegitimate daughter of a canonically married couple, namely Aragorn and Arwen; causing an impossible liaison between Aragorn and Arwen…”
She took a deep breath. “And we’re still on the first page. Moving on: having Arwen randomly wander around a forest with her three-year-old daughter, and only a couple of guards for protection; altering the laws of biology and/or physics by creating trees tall enough to reach the sun; making Aragorn unable to enter a forest for no obvious reason; making trees speak; flying; idiotic and childish author’s notes -”
“Cass, you already charged for author’s notes,” Nat pointed out.
“Oh, no, these are different ones. Where was I? Oh, yeah - causing canon characters to act stupidly; making Aragorn take his five-year-old daughter to Mirkwood for an ‘adventure’; using annoying cliché phrases; making Aragorn abusive towards his horse; manifesting a flying horse; making Mirkwood have gates; implying that Thranduil’s realm covers all of Mirkwood; using numerals without cause; causing events to happen out of canon plotline order, to whit, Gollum being in Mirkwood over twenty years early…” She kicked the Sue hard. “I don’t like it when people mess up the timelines.”
“Um, how much longer are we going to be at this?” Kelvin asked. “Not that I’m complaining, I’m just curious as to how long this part usually takes.”
“As long as it takes,” Nat sighed, as Cassie resumed her monologue.
“Having Aragorn be unwelcome in Rivendell; implying that Elrond would ever try to kill Aragorn, who is his foster son; causing Aragorn and Legolas to be friends before the War of the Ring; making Legolas ‘blonde’ when he is in fact ‘blond’; causing Aragorn to be willing to teach a five-year-old to fight; making Thranduil use his son as a menial errand runner; having Legolas exclude himself from Thranduil’s council meeting in favour of teaching a child archery; making Legolas give you a piggyback; manifesting a child-sized bow and arrow; causing canon characters to use anachronistic language; having Aragorn ‘pack a horse’; not knowing the name of your own bloody species…” She stopped for a deep breath.
“Being a competent warrior despite not having been trained for the last thirteen years; causing random Orc attacks in Lothlorien; becoming exhausted and passing out after a short swim; making Haldir ‘blonde’ when he is ‘blond’; being proud of being illegitimate and implying that Arwen is proud of having an illegitimate daughter; speaking Westron in your sleep when your native tongue is Sindarin; making Haldir not know who you are despite being a member of his rulers’ immediate family; sleeping for three days for no real reason; making twenty people a ‘host’; calling Rumil a good conversation…”
“You know, if you weren’t so concerned about reading every single charge -” Nat started.
“You were the one who wouldn’t let me kill her earlier, so shut up and let me get on with it,” Cassie gritted in reply before turning a page. “Making Haldir sexist; calling Celeborn your grandfather when he is technically your great-grandfather; creating and kidnapping mini-Balrogs, namely the Valor, Galdriel, Middle Earth and Khazad-Dum; making Celeborn spy on you; causing Haldir to behave like a lovestruck fool over you; making Haldir talk to himself; getting married at eighteen, which is nowhere near puberty for Elves and well below the normal age of marriage for the Dúnedain, so either way you’re too young; making Haldir attempt to sleep with you before a) you reach maturity and b) the wedding day; randomly foreseeing things; using stupid markers for flashbacks and nearly deafening PPC Agents…”
She turned slightly pink as she began reading the next charges out, but carried on without changing rhythm. “Writing formulaic, boring sex scenes which are obviously based on reading other poorly-written sex scenes; being a cocktease; getting married before your mother, who as an Elf should technically already be married; being unclear as to who says what and implying that either Haldir or yourself is desperate enough for a five-minute shag; giving Haldir magically self-unfastening leggings; using the excuse ‘getting carried away in the moment’, which is not an excuse; being unfair by getting Haldir hot and bothered and then backing off; thinking it’s all right for the guy to get off pre-wedding but not the girl; apparently enjoying fellatio and being good at it despite never having done it before; having a dress with ‘ties’ but no buttons; turning said dress into a liquid; wearing nothing underneath said dress; getting overexcited and groaning at the sight of Haldir’s bits, thereby giving PPC Agents a WTF moment; no foreplay, especially as it’s your first time; having no idea about how ‘breaking the barrier’ works; thinking ‘lovemaking’ is just about having the relevant bits connected; having it off continually for a whole night; resting in the sky; passing out for two days because of having it off; blatantly having no clue about sex -”
Overcome with curiosity by this point, Nat queried, “How exactly did you know these charges?”
Cassie flushed a little. “When you end up next to Slashers talking shop every time you go to the cafeteria, you pick a few things up. Why do you want to know?”
“I just didn’t know how you knew. You could have been talking from personal experience.”
“Hardly!” Cassie’s face was getting redder. She glanced at Kelvin, but he was sitting a little way away, trying to pretend he couldn’t hear the conversation. “Shut up and let me get this finished.”
“Gladly.”
It took the embarrassed Agent a few seconds to find her place again. “Um… where was I? Ah. Causing Elves to have honeymoons; causing Haldir to see you as a breeding instrument; making Haldir say stupid things that give PPC Agents unwanted mental images; bloody stupid scene breaks; making Haldir come home just to check if his wife is pregnant rather than to see how she is; changing timelines without cause, namely by making the Fellowship reach Lothlorien two years early; causing Elves to become totally unobservant and letting the Fellowship practically reach them before spotting them coming; not liking Gimli -”
“That’s not a charge, Cass.”
“Shut up.”
Nat sighed and went over to Kelvin, trying to distract him (and herself, truth be told) with random conversation, while Cassie doggedly ploughed through her charge list.
“Copying lines directly from the movie and then misspelling them; causing Elves to know about Hobbits and have books about them; sensing the One Ring without knowing about it; altering the geography of Lothlorien; making Elves wear heavy armour; random foreshadowing; arrogant author’s notes; making Haldir argue ‘daily’ with his wife for no apparent reason; joining the Fellowship of the Ring; making Aragorn come up with a stupid reason to have you join the Fellowship; making Galadriel suggest her great-granddaughter, who is still technically a child, should join the Fellowship; crying just because Haldir said he didn’t like the idea of you joining the Fellowship, which is frankly a stupid reason to bawl your head off; making Haldir’s brothers spy on him; bloody loud author’s notes; using unannounced scene changes and thereby causing PPC Agents bodily harm; lack of proper paragraphing; blatant one-handed typing; throwing everyone OOC; not knowing what language you’re speaking; and displaying knowledge of the books and still writing this pile of garbage.”
She stopped for a moment, regaining her breath again, and grinned. “Whoops. Almost forgot my favourite charges.” Leaning close to the Sue with a slightly crazy glint in her eye, the blonde girl hissed, “You are also charged with pissing off PPC Agents to the nth degree, with being a Mary Sue, and finally with CREATING OVER ONE HUNDRED GODDAMN CHARGES AND GIVING ME WRITER’S CRAMP!” The sudden shriek made everyone jump. “And that’s quite possibly a record for the PPC. Either way, it’s earned you a nice, slow, painful death.”
Cassie took a deep breath and looked down at the Sue, who was thrashing around in panic. “Do you have any last words?”
Nat and Kelvin had stood up on hearing the shriek and now came over. “I take it you’ve finished,” the ellon said, eying Elbereth nervously.
“Yep.” Cassie grinned rather worryingly. “And now it’s time to kill her. I’ve got just the thing.” She took out her RA and opened a portal. “Don’t go through!” she warned her companions as they moved towards it. “I’m not sure how close to it the portal is.”
“Close to what?” Nat asked.
“You’ll see.”
“Cass, what are you planning?”
Cassie heaved the Sue over to the portal and shoved her through it. “It’s a surprise,” she replied, her expression one of manic glee, before stepping through the portal and closing it behind her quickly, leaving the other two behind. She didn’t hear Nat’s shout.
“CASS!”
The Agent in question looked around at her surroundings. Wide open space, nobody around for miles… Perfect. She turned to Elbereth, who was trying to scream for help through her gag. “Shush, now. We’ve got plenty of time for me to get even with you, you Canon-destroying little bitch.” The Sue’s eyes opened wider in terror as Cassie drew her knife.
***
Meanwhile, Nat was frantically opening portals to every place she could think of and searching around them, dragging the mystified Kelvin with her. Her panicked hunt turned up no leads, however, and after several hours, she collapsed onto a handy nearby rock and stared out at the landscape, which happened to be the area around Weathertop.
“Where the bloody hell is she?” she muttered to herself. Kelvin caught the comment, however, and attempted to offer some consolation.
“Well, I’m sure we’ll find her eventually. There are only so many places -”
“We’ve got the whole of Middle-earth to search, pal. And that’s assuming she’s even in Middle-earth. She could have gone to any canon, or even just gone to a different point in the timeline… for all I know, she’s a few thousand years behind us.”
“Oh.” Kelvin pondered this for a while. “Well, then, isn’t there something back at… HQ that could help us find her? You have devices that can do all kinds of things, after all.”
“Yes!” Nat leapt up and opened a portal back to HQ. “Kelvin, you’re a genius. Come on!” She dashed through the portal. By the time he had followed, she was tapping at the console’s main keyboard so fast that her fingers were a blur.
“Location… report… on… Agent… Young…” the lanky girl muttered as she typed. Kelvin noted with some surprise that her disguise had vanished, but decided that that was something he would have to ask about later. The little fiery creatures he had noticed before came over and started sniffing around him. He backed away nervously, but they followed him.
“Um… Nat?”
“Give ‘em some bacon,” Nat said absently as she worked.
“Some what?”
“It’s in the cupboard over there.” She indicated a pair of doors set into the wall. He opened it and took out a half-empty packet of bacon, quickly handing it over to the minis, who dived on it eagerly. He watched them for a moment, bemused, and then jumped slightly as the console beeped and displayed the report Nat had asked for.
[Agent Young is located in the canon world “Lord of the Rings”, in the story “Being In Love Is Twice As Hard” by writer “QueenOfTheDiamondDogs”. She is currently in the Gladden Fields, accompanied by the Sue “Elbereth”.]
Nat tapped in a few commands. “‘ome in on Agent… open portal… okay, let’s go get ‘er.” She nodded to the glowing doorway that had appeared, and Kelvin stepped through it. She was right behind him. They both winced at the sound of muffled screaming from nearby, but headed towards it. The noise seemed to be coming from behind a nearby pile of rocks.
The Elf rounded the pile a few steps ahead of his partner. She saw him stare, then blanch, then turn rather green and stumble back towards her. He only managed a few steps before he promptly dropped to his knees and threw up. Nat dashed past him. “What the ‘ell has she - HOLY FUCK!”
Kelvin retched a few more times, then sat back against the rocks, trying with little success to get the scene he’d witnessed out of his head. He heard the sound of squelching footsteps and arguing.
“Cassie, gimme that knife -”
“I’m not finished.”
“Oh, yes, ya fuckin’ well are. Now give it!”
“No chance!”
“You’re gonna be a lot more finished if ya don’t - oi! Watch where you’re wavin’ that!”
“Back off then!”
“‘and it over!”
“NO!”
“NOW!” There was the sound of a brief struggle, then -
“OWOWOW my arm -”
“Drop it!”
“It’s mine - arrgh! Fine! There! I dropped it! Stoppitthathurts!”
“Snap out of it, ya fuckin’ loony!” There was a squeal of pain, followed by a few moments of silence.
“Ugh… what happened?” Cassie sounded rather disgusted.
“You did, ya cnychn uffar gwirion!”
“You what?”
“You ‘eard me.”
“I don’t speak Welsh, and would you - Erudammit! - would you mind letting go before you dislocate my arms?”
“Oh. Sorry. Better?”
“Owowow… nghh. Yeah, better. What did you call me?”
“I called ya a fuckin’ silly bastard. Now get round there wi’ Kelvin an’ try ta get some o’ that off yourself while I get rid o’ this mess.” Nat sounded a little sickened, though mostly angry. There was more squelching, and Cassie came around the rocks to join Kelvin. The sight of her didn’t help him much, as she was covered in glitter blood and scowling. Her expression turned to one of concern when she saw him.
“What - are you okay?”
“I’ve… been better,” he replied weakly, trying not to throw up again at the sickly sweet, metallic smell that was coming off her. “Would - would you mind moving away a bit?”
“Huh? Oh.” She backed off and began trying to wipe the glitter away. This didn’t work very well, as her hands were already covered in it, so all she was really doing was smearing it more evenly, but at least she was making an effort.
From behind the rock pile, Kelvin heard a muted little whimper as Nat quickly finished off the Sue. There was a bit of rattling and the sound of a portal opening. A bit of squishing and a few splashes later, the skinny Agent came back around to join her partners, wiping her hands off on her trousers. “I dumped as much of ‘er as I could inta the sea,” she announced. “An’ ‘opefully the mess that’s left’ll wear away soon enough. Now…” She examined the situation and sighed. “I’d better get you two sorted.” Helping Kelvin to his feet, she opened a portal and shoved Cassie through it quite roughly before half-leading, half-carrying the ellon through.
Depositing him in the nearest chair, Nat hurried over to a cupboard and pulled out some of Cassie’s clothes, then rounded on the glitter-smeared Agent who was standing nearby looking sheepish. “You. Go an’ get washed an’ changed.” She dumped the clothes in the washroom. “An’ then ya can go ta the laundry.”
Cassie vanished into the little room as quickly as she could, evidently recognising that her partner was dangerously close to breaking point. After a minute or two, Nat and Kelvin heard water splashing. Digging out a bottle of water from her backpack, the young woman handed it over. “Ya might want to ‘ave a few sips ta settle yourself. Oh, an’ take a couple o’ these, too.” She passed him a small bottle filled with small white tablets, similar to what Cassie had used during the mission.
“What are they?”
“Bleeprin. They’ll ‘elp get rid o’ the memories, an’ they might ‘elp wi’ your stomach, too.”
He took a few, followed them up with a few sips of water, and looked astonished. “They really do help. Thank you very much.”
“Ah, ‘s nothin’. Keep ‘em, I’ve a feelin’ ya might need ‘em again,” she added as he made to give the pills back.
They sat in silence until Cassie re-emerged, wearing old jeans and a very creased t-shirt. She stuffed her bloody uniform into a carrier bag, then rummaged in a drawer and pulled out a bar of chocolate, which she jammed into her pocket. “I’ll just head down to the laundry, then,” she announced, “and I might nip in and see how Georgia and Kumori are on my way back.” She opened the door to the corridor.
She jumped back as a very pale man sprinted past her, closely followed by several dozen bellowing Agents. Nat stifled a chuckle at Kelvin’s slightly stunned expression. Once the noise of the stampede had faded, Cassie said calmly, “Okay, now I’ll just head down to the laundry,” and left, shutting the door perhaps a little harder than necessary.
Nat looked over at her new partner, unable to hide the wry smile stealing across her face. “Well, Kelvin,” she said quietly, “welcome ta the PPC.”