(no subject)
Okay, I made it through a little over half the book. I went from being very amused to outright offended. Here's what I got down before I deleted the pdf off my computer.
--------------------
I looked at the map in the truck, trying to memorize it now; hopefully I wouldn't
have to walk around with it stuck in front of my nose all day. I stuffed
everything in my bag, slung the strap over my shoulder, and sucked in a huge
breath. I can do this, I lied to myself feebly I feebly lied to myself. No one was going to bite me. ho ho i c wut u did ther. I
finally exhaled and stepped out of the truck.
I kept my face pulled back into my hood as I walked to the sidewalk, crowded
with teenagers. My plain black jacket didn't stand out, I noticed with relief. No wai, a plain black jacket didn't stand out?? 9_9 However, you probably do stand out acting LIKE A PARANOID FREAK.
Once I got around the cafeteria, building three was easy to spot. A large black
"3" was painted on a white square on the east corner. I felt my breathing
gradually creeping toward hyperventilation as I approached the door. I seriously started laughing at this point. SHE HAS TO BE EXTREMELY MESSED UP to be this nervous. At this point I'm thinking she's actually a crazy person who imagines all the impending vampire stuff.
Alright now, one of the things I hate in some books and shows is when people don't act like people. One of the most frequent violators of this peeve of mine are stories having to do with high schoolers. It's like, either the majority of writers were homeschooled, or have completely forgotten what it is like to be in high school. Or I guess it was possible they were total freaks too.
So, Bella has started going to a new school, and of course, everyone is just AMAZED by this new person. Now granted, Forks high school is a very small school, but still. I don't know anyone, no matter how big of a town you come from, who would meet a new person and look at them like O___O WOW!!!! Would you? You make glance at a new person, but who honestly is going to look at them like they're NOT OF THIS EARTH or something? Because that's exactly the impression you get from the people who meet Bella. Even the teachers, lmfao:
I took the slip up to the teacher, a tall, balding man whose desk had a nameplate
identifying him as Mr. Mason. He gawked at me when he saw my name OH MY GOD, I HAVE A NEW STUDENT *runs across the hall* YOU GUYS OH MY GOD, I HAVE A NEW STUDENT!!- not
an encouraging response - and of course I flushed tomato red. But at leastSTOP STARTING SENTENCES WITH "BUT" SO MUCH. WHY NOT JUST "Luckily, he
sent me to an empty desk at the back without introducing me to the class. It was
harder for my new classmates to stare at me in the back, but somehow, they
managed.
Gahhh Bella is seriously an all out caricature of a teenager:
I kept my eyes down on the reading list the teacher had given me. It
was fairly basic: Bronte, Shakespeare, Chaucer, Faulkner. I'd already read
everything. That was comforting… and boring. I wondered if my mom would
send me my folder of old essays, or if she would think that was cheating. I went
through different arguments with her in my head while the teacher droned on. Typically, you're not supposed to want to kill the narrator, right?
Anyway, Bella deals with *sigh* *scoff* a nerd leik omg:
When the bell rang, a nasal buzzing sound, a gangly boy with skin problems and
hair black as an oil slick leaned across the aisle to talk to me.
"You're Isabella Swan, aren't you?" He looked like the overly helpful, chess club
type.
"Bella," I corrected. Everyone within a three-seat radius turned to look at me. And then they all go back to doing their own thing, right? Wrong.
"Where's your next class?" he asked.
I had to check in my bag. "Um, Government, with Jefferson, in building six."
There was nowhere to look without meeting curious eyes. Real people wouldn't give a shit.
"I'm headed toward building four, I could show you the way…" Definitely overhelpful *scoff sigh* leik omg.
"I'm Eric," he added.
I smiled tentatively. "Thanks."
We got our jackets and headed out into the rain, which had picked up. I could
have sworn several people behind us were walking close enough to eavesdrop. Real people wouldn't give a shit. I
hoped I wasn't getting paranoid. TOO LATE HONEY.
"So, this is a lot different than Phoenix, huh?" he asked.
"Very."
"It doesn't rain much there, does it?"
"Three or four times a year."
"Wow, what must that be like?" he wondered. Real people wouldn't give a shit.
"Sunny," I told him.
"You don't look very tan."
"My mother is part albino."
He studied my face apprehensively, and I sighed and scoffed, leik omg. It looked like clouds and a
sense of humor didn't mix. WHAT? CLOUDS? YOU'RE JUST UNFUNNY, MORON. A few months of this and I'd forget how to use
sarcasm. Honey I don't think you ever knew.
[Moving along, Bella notices the five Cullens who are all sitting by themselves in the corner, not eating their food, and strangely, not staring with "excessive interest" at Bella The Special Flower Who Doesn't Want To Be Noticed By Anyone and Life is Just so HARD :(]
But it was none of these things that caught, and held, my attention.
They didn't look anything alike. And as everybody knows, it's weird to be friends with people that don't look like you do.
[Bella describes them (boringly). They've all got hot bods and they have pale skin and dark circles under their eyes.]
Though their noses, all their features, were straight, perfect, angular. Also as everybody knows, the straight and angular noses are best. Perfect, even.
But all this is not why I couldn't look away. You definitely said something to this extent a few sentences ago *points up*
I stared because their faces, so different, so similar, were all devastatingly,
inhumanly beautiful. They were faces you never expected to see except perhaps
on the airbrushed pages of a fashion magazine. Or painted by an old master as
the face of an angel. It was hard to decide who was the most beautiful - maybe
the perfect blond girl, or the bronze-haired boy. The blonde one is perfect. Wink wink, dear readers, wink wink.
[Bella learns the names of the Cullens.]
Strange, unpopular names, I thought. OKAY, BELLA 9_9
[Bella learns they're newish at school too.]
I felt a surge of pity, and relief. Pity because, as beautiful as they were, they
were outsiders, clearly not accepted. Relief that I wasn't the only newcomer here,
and certainly not the most interesting by any standard.
Oh my god lol, the only time so far in this entire book Bella has expressed sympathy or concern for someone other than herself, it is just because she thinks they're beautiful/like her. Wow.
"Which one is the boy with the reddish brown hair?" I asked. I peeked at him
from the corner of my eye, and he was still staring at me, but not gawking like
the other students had today - he had a slightly frustrated expression. I looked
down again.
PROBABLY BECAUSE THE NEW WEIRD PARANOID GIRL IS LOOKING AT HIM
"That's Edward. He's gorgeous, of course, but don't waste your time. He doesn't
date. Apparently none of the girls here are good-looking enough for him." She
sniffed, a clear case of sour grapes.
lmfao, "sour grapes". Meyer slipping into old fogey speech.
His hair was
dripping wet, disheveled - even so, he looked like he'd just finished shooting a
commercial for hair gel. His dazzling face was friendly, open, a slight smile on
his flawless lips. But his eyes were careful.
Careful eyes what the hell? Also we get it, he's "hot". I promise we did not forget from the last several times you told us.
I laughed without humor. "Hasn't anyone ever told you? Life isn't fair."
"I believe I have heard that somewhere before," he agreed dryly.
"So that's all," I insisted, wondering why he was still staring at me that way.
His gaze became appraising. "You put on a good show," he said slowly. "But I'd
be willing to bet that you're suffering more than you let anyone see."
I grimaced at him, resisting the impulse to stick out my tongue like a five-year old,
and looked away.
"Am I wrong?"
I tried to ignore him.
"I didn't think so," he murmured smugly.
I am shocked that he is just *so* interested in Bella, and just understands her perfectly upon first talking to her. No really, I would have never, ever seen that coming! How not Mary/Gary Sue like and romantic!! WHAT A TWIST
"Usually." He smiled widely, flashing a set of perfect, ultrawhite teeth.
LOLLLL
[Moving on to after Bella is saved by Edward from being crushed in a car accident (I think it's that part in the preview for the movie). She's upset that her mother was told that her daughter was almost killed. How dare they, right?]
I slammed the cruiser's door a little harder than necessary on my way out.
My mom was in hysterics, of course. I had to tell her I felt fine at least thirty
times before she would calm down. She begged me to come home - forgetting
the fact that home was empty at the moment - but her pleas were easier to resist
than I would have thought. I was consumed by the mystery Edward presented.
And more than a little obsessed by Edward himself. Stupid, stupid, stupid. I
wasn't as eager to escape Forks as I should be, as any normal, sane person would
be.
Guys, this is so bad. Not so bad it's good. So bad it's bad. No ironic funniness. It is just bad, like old lettuce. There is nothing funny about old lettuce unless it is being thrown on someone. It is like when you really want a salad and you open up the lettuce and you smell it and it's like "Oh, it's old." and you have to throw it away. It's not funny, it's annoying.
[Ok, after this I had to skim for a while. Then I read more of the same crap, then I skimmed some more. I get it, Bella literally becomes mentally retarded when she talks to Edward because he is so beautiful and his voice is so velvety smooth. I have yet to see any other reasons why she likes him. Their conversations are devoid of substance, humor, and anything remotely appealing. I am on page 84.]
"Honestly, Edward." I felt a thrill go through me as I said his name, and I hated
it. "I can't keep up with you. I thought you didn't want to be my friend."
"I said it would be better if we weren't friends, not that I didn't want to be."
"Oh, thanks, now that's all cleared up." Heavy sarcasm. I realized I had stopped
walking again. We were under the shelter of the cafeteria roof now, so I could
more easily look at his face. Which certainly didn't help my clarity of thought.
Did.. did she seriously write out "Heavy sarcasm."? Okay, I feel like Twilight just farted in my face.
And now they're listening to Claire de Lune? This is vile.
Ok I skimmed some more, read through the werewolves and vampires and Jacob Black, more of Bella and Edward talking about nothing, read about them hunting and Edward running and the fact that Edward really just wants to eat Bella (lol) and "very soft" kissing and the fact that Bella actually becomes incapacitated and can't drive after one kiss, and the other good vampires and stuff. Stephanie Meyer has to be seriously messed up in the head, not to mention a complete loser (Bella hates sports, cries a lot, and "falls down a lot when she runs") if Bella is a self insert, which it is painfully clear that she is. Also lawl, whoever said she was said to have been inserting Mormon values all throughout the book, I'd believe it xD.
So I leave you with this:
"In the last hundred years or so," [Edward's]
voice was teasing, "I never imagined anything like this. I didn't believe I would
ever find someone I wanted to be with… in another way than my brothers and
sisters. And then to find, even though it's all new to me, that I'm good at it… at
being with you…"
NO.
tl;dr summary:
This is Edward Cullen, and he is beautiful.
Bella loves him for being beautiful.
I'll never get these hours back.
--------------------
I looked at the map in the truck, trying to memorize it now; hopefully I wouldn't
have to walk around with it stuck in front of my nose all day. I stuffed
everything in my bag, slung the strap over my shoulder, and sucked in a huge
breath. I can do this, I lied to myself feebly I feebly lied to myself. No one was going to bite me. ho ho i c wut u did ther. I
finally exhaled and stepped out of the truck.
I kept my face pulled back into my hood as I walked to the sidewalk, crowded
with teenagers. My plain black jacket didn't stand out, I noticed with relief. No wai, a plain black jacket didn't stand out?? 9_9 However, you probably do stand out acting LIKE A PARANOID FREAK.
Once I got around the cafeteria, building three was easy to spot. A large black
"3" was painted on a white square on the east corner. I felt my breathing
gradually creeping toward hyperventilation as I approached the door. I seriously started laughing at this point. SHE HAS TO BE EXTREMELY MESSED UP to be this nervous. At this point I'm thinking she's actually a crazy person who imagines all the impending vampire stuff.
Alright now, one of the things I hate in some books and shows is when people don't act like people. One of the most frequent violators of this peeve of mine are stories having to do with high schoolers. It's like, either the majority of writers were homeschooled, or have completely forgotten what it is like to be in high school. Or I guess it was possible they were total freaks too.
So, Bella has started going to a new school, and of course, everyone is just AMAZED by this new person. Now granted, Forks high school is a very small school, but still. I don't know anyone, no matter how big of a town you come from, who would meet a new person and look at them like O___O WOW!!!! Would you? You make glance at a new person, but who honestly is going to look at them like they're NOT OF THIS EARTH or something? Because that's exactly the impression you get from the people who meet Bella. Even the teachers, lmfao:
I took the slip up to the teacher, a tall, balding man whose desk had a nameplate
identifying him as Mr. Mason. He gawked at me when he saw my name OH MY GOD, I HAVE A NEW STUDENT *runs across the hall* YOU GUYS OH MY GOD, I HAVE A NEW STUDENT!!- not
an encouraging response - and of course I flushed tomato red. But at leastSTOP STARTING SENTENCES WITH "BUT" SO MUCH. WHY NOT JUST "Luckily, he
sent me to an empty desk at the back without introducing me to the class. It was
harder for my new classmates to stare at me in the back, but somehow, they
managed.
Gahhh Bella is seriously an all out caricature of a teenager:
I kept my eyes down on the reading list the teacher had given me. It
was fairly basic: Bronte, Shakespeare, Chaucer, Faulkner. I'd already read
everything. That was comforting… and boring. I wondered if my mom would
send me my folder of old essays, or if she would think that was cheating. I went
through different arguments with her in my head while the teacher droned on. Typically, you're not supposed to want to kill the narrator, right?
Anyway, Bella deals with *sigh* *scoff* a nerd leik omg:
When the bell rang, a nasal buzzing sound, a gangly boy with skin problems and
hair black as an oil slick leaned across the aisle to talk to me.
"You're Isabella Swan, aren't you?" He looked like the overly helpful, chess club
type.
"Bella," I corrected. Everyone within a three-seat radius turned to look at me. And then they all go back to doing their own thing, right? Wrong.
"Where's your next class?" he asked.
I had to check in my bag. "Um, Government, with Jefferson, in building six."
There was nowhere to look without meeting curious eyes. Real people wouldn't give a shit.
"I'm headed toward building four, I could show you the way…" Definitely overhelpful *scoff sigh* leik omg.
"I'm Eric," he added.
I smiled tentatively. "Thanks."
We got our jackets and headed out into the rain, which had picked up. I could
have sworn several people behind us were walking close enough to eavesdrop. Real people wouldn't give a shit. I
hoped I wasn't getting paranoid. TOO LATE HONEY.
"So, this is a lot different than Phoenix, huh?" he asked.
"Very."
"It doesn't rain much there, does it?"
"Three or four times a year."
"Wow, what must that be like?" he wondered. Real people wouldn't give a shit.
"Sunny," I told him.
"You don't look very tan."
"My mother is part albino."
He studied my face apprehensively, and I sighed and scoffed, leik omg. It looked like clouds and a
sense of humor didn't mix. WHAT? CLOUDS? YOU'RE JUST UNFUNNY, MORON. A few months of this and I'd forget how to use
sarcasm. Honey I don't think you ever knew.
[Moving along, Bella notices the five Cullens who are all sitting by themselves in the corner, not eating their food, and strangely, not staring with "excessive interest" at Bella The Special Flower Who Doesn't Want To Be Noticed By Anyone and Life is Just so HARD :(]
But it was none of these things that caught, and held, my attention.
They didn't look anything alike. And as everybody knows, it's weird to be friends with people that don't look like you do.
[Bella describes them (boringly). They've all got hot bods and they have pale skin and dark circles under their eyes.]
Though their noses, all their features, were straight, perfect, angular. Also as everybody knows, the straight and angular noses are best. Perfect, even.
But all this is not why I couldn't look away. You definitely said something to this extent a few sentences ago *points up*
I stared because their faces, so different, so similar, were all devastatingly,
inhumanly beautiful. They were faces you never expected to see except perhaps
on the airbrushed pages of a fashion magazine. Or painted by an old master as
the face of an angel. It was hard to decide who was the most beautiful - maybe
the perfect blond girl, or the bronze-haired boy. The blonde one is perfect. Wink wink, dear readers, wink wink.
[Bella learns the names of the Cullens.]
Strange, unpopular names, I thought. OKAY, BELLA 9_9
[Bella learns they're newish at school too.]
I felt a surge of pity, and relief. Pity because, as beautiful as they were, they
were outsiders, clearly not accepted. Relief that I wasn't the only newcomer here,
and certainly not the most interesting by any standard.
Oh my god lol, the only time so far in this entire book Bella has expressed sympathy or concern for someone other than herself, it is just because she thinks they're beautiful/like her. Wow.
"Which one is the boy with the reddish brown hair?" I asked. I peeked at him
from the corner of my eye, and he was still staring at me, but not gawking like
the other students had today - he had a slightly frustrated expression. I looked
down again.
PROBABLY BECAUSE THE NEW WEIRD PARANOID GIRL IS LOOKING AT HIM
"That's Edward. He's gorgeous, of course, but don't waste your time. He doesn't
date. Apparently none of the girls here are good-looking enough for him." She
sniffed, a clear case of sour grapes.
lmfao, "sour grapes". Meyer slipping into old fogey speech.
His hair was
dripping wet, disheveled - even so, he looked like he'd just finished shooting a
commercial for hair gel. His dazzling face was friendly, open, a slight smile on
his flawless lips. But his eyes were careful.
Careful eyes what the hell? Also we get it, he's "hot". I promise we did not forget from the last several times you told us.
I laughed without humor. "Hasn't anyone ever told you? Life isn't fair."
"I believe I have heard that somewhere before," he agreed dryly.
"So that's all," I insisted, wondering why he was still staring at me that way.
His gaze became appraising. "You put on a good show," he said slowly. "But I'd
be willing to bet that you're suffering more than you let anyone see."
I grimaced at him, resisting the impulse to stick out my tongue like a five-year old,
and looked away.
"Am I wrong?"
I tried to ignore him.
"I didn't think so," he murmured smugly.
I am shocked that he is just *so* interested in Bella, and just understands her perfectly upon first talking to her. No really, I would have never, ever seen that coming! How not Mary/Gary Sue like and romantic!! WHAT A TWIST
"Usually." He smiled widely, flashing a set of perfect, ultrawhite teeth.
LOLLLL
[Moving on to after Bella is saved by Edward from being crushed in a car accident (I think it's that part in the preview for the movie). She's upset that her mother was told that her daughter was almost killed. How dare they, right?]
I slammed the cruiser's door a little harder than necessary on my way out.
My mom was in hysterics, of course. I had to tell her I felt fine at least thirty
times before she would calm down. She begged me to come home - forgetting
the fact that home was empty at the moment - but her pleas were easier to resist
than I would have thought. I was consumed by the mystery Edward presented.
And more than a little obsessed by Edward himself. Stupid, stupid, stupid. I
wasn't as eager to escape Forks as I should be, as any normal, sane person would
be.
Guys, this is so bad. Not so bad it's good. So bad it's bad. No ironic funniness. It is just bad, like old lettuce. There is nothing funny about old lettuce unless it is being thrown on someone. It is like when you really want a salad and you open up the lettuce and you smell it and it's like "Oh, it's old." and you have to throw it away. It's not funny, it's annoying.
[Ok, after this I had to skim for a while. Then I read more of the same crap, then I skimmed some more. I get it, Bella literally becomes mentally retarded when she talks to Edward because he is so beautiful and his voice is so velvety smooth. I have yet to see any other reasons why she likes him. Their conversations are devoid of substance, humor, and anything remotely appealing. I am on page 84.]
"Honestly, Edward." I felt a thrill go through me as I said his name, and I hated
it. "I can't keep up with you. I thought you didn't want to be my friend."
"I said it would be better if we weren't friends, not that I didn't want to be."
"Oh, thanks, now that's all cleared up." Heavy sarcasm. I realized I had stopped
walking again. We were under the shelter of the cafeteria roof now, so I could
more easily look at his face. Which certainly didn't help my clarity of thought.
Did.. did she seriously write out "Heavy sarcasm."? Okay, I feel like Twilight just farted in my face.
And now they're listening to Claire de Lune? This is vile.
Ok I skimmed some more, read through the werewolves and vampires and Jacob Black, more of Bella and Edward talking about nothing, read about them hunting and Edward running and the fact that Edward really just wants to eat Bella (lol) and "very soft" kissing and the fact that Bella actually becomes incapacitated and can't drive after one kiss, and the other good vampires and stuff. Stephanie Meyer has to be seriously messed up in the head, not to mention a complete loser (Bella hates sports, cries a lot, and "falls down a lot when she runs") if Bella is a self insert, which it is painfully clear that she is. Also lawl, whoever said she was said to have been inserting Mormon values all throughout the book, I'd believe it xD.
So I leave you with this:
"In the last hundred years or so," [Edward's]
voice was teasing, "I never imagined anything like this. I didn't believe I would
ever find someone I wanted to be with… in another way than my brothers and
sisters. And then to find, even though it's all new to me, that I'm good at it… at
being with you…"
NO.
tl;dr summary:
This is Edward Cullen, and he is beautiful.
Bella loves him for being beautiful.
I'll never get these hours back.