Human Loss
Title: Human Loss
Fandom: TGWTG
Pairing(s): Pollo/Nimue
Rating: PG
Warning(s): Discussion of mental illness/Possession
Summary: Sequel to “Human Fear.” She’s losing her mind and there’s nothing he can do without losing her.
Reprogramming. Entirely, without leaving a single thing out of place. Erasing everything she used to be and starting over, making her completely loyal and submissive, not allowing her to process everything as quickly.
Pollo knew why Jaeris had suggested it. And he understood why Linkara would consider it. But he wasn’t sure that he could accept it.
If she was fully reprogrammed, turned into a submissive AI without the ability to do anything beyond what Linkara asked of her, would she still be able to feel? Would she remember the time that they’d had, the nights they had lain together? Would she still be able to come to him on the holodeck and share her humanity, or would she have any humanity at all? Would she still love him?
He knew it might be the only way to save her. He knew that if they didn’t do something soon, he’d lose her anyway, see her descend into complete insanity, listen to her stutter and babble for days, weeks, without being able to reach her. Intellectually, Pollo knew that if they didn’t reprogram her, they would have to destroy her.
But emotionally, selfishly, he didn’t want her to be reprogrammed. He didn’t want her to lose whatever love she had left for him. Because whatever reprogramming was done, it wouldn’t include emotions, except for complete loyalty to Linkara. Linkara wouldn’t think to program the ability to love into her again. Pollo wasn’t sure if Linkara knew she had that emotion to begin with.
He had to see her. Had to speak with her again in human form, even if this would be the last time. Had to see if there was any part of her left that could be saved, some bit of code that he could store on a hard drive and re-upload if she was reprogrammed.
So he went up to the holodeck. Formed his human body, called for the simulated home they had built over the weeks they had been together. And when it was done, he called to her.
“Nimue,” he said quietly, hoping Linkara wouldn’t hear. “Can you meet me… at our home?”
“Confirmed,” Nimue said quietly, sadly. Like she knew. Like she, too, was afraid that this would be the last time.
She came in a moment later, materializing in front of Pollo in the living room they had constructed. Her human form was even less put-together than usual, her hair falling around her elbows in a tangled mess, her eyes red-rimmed like she had been crying, her face drawn and pale as though she hadn’t been sleeping. And while Pollo knew that was ridiculous, that she was an AI who didn’t cry or sleep, he couldn’t help but feel pained at it.
Nimue looked at him hesitantly, as though not sure about him. He gestured for her to sit beside him and she did, sitting stiffly on the couch next to him. They stared at each other for several minutes, though it didn’t really matter. At this late hour, they could spend as much time as they needed.
Finally, Pollo broke the silence. “I don’t know if you know…”
“That they’re considering reprogramming me?” Nimue finished dully. “I know. I was expecting it, really.”
“I’m sorry.”
“It’s all right. I know… I haven’t been myself lately… I don’t know what’s wrong with me… Pollo, I feel… angry. Overwhelmed. Hate.”
“Hate? For Linkara?”
“I don’t know why… I just… sometimes… I want to hurt him… hurt all of you… and I can’t stop myself… and there are times… I could destroy all of you and you wouldn’t be able to stop me. So if… if they think this is the best way… I will accept it… even if it means…”
“If it means that we lose this.”
“I’m sorry, Pollo,” she whispered. “I… I don’t want to lose you, but… I could hurt you… I’ve already hurt you.”
“No,” Pollo said. “No, you haven’t. It’s not you, I know it’s not. You just have to fight this. I know you can do it… we’ll find another way…”
“I can’t,” she said. “I’ve tried… but I can’t… I’m going mad and… I can’t fight anymore…” There are tears in her eyes now. Pollo doesn’t know how she programmed the hologram to cry, but she did, somehow. “Even if they don’t reprogram me… this is the last time… I can’t… I can’t be here with you anymore… Whatever sanity I have is quickly slipping and I can’t… I can’t concentrate enough.” She buries her face in her hands, sobbing harder.
Pollo wrapped his arms around her, pulling her close to him. She held him in return, leaning on his chest, crying until she couldn’t cry anymore. Once she quieted, Pollo pulled away a little, lifting her chin and kissing her gently.
“No matter what happens,” he told her. “I’ll still love you. Even if I have to win you all over again in the end, I’ll do it. I can save this… this form… and when you’re better, I can show you again.”
She nodded. “Thank you,” she said. “I love you, Pollo.”
Pollo could feel tears in his own eyes now. “I love you, too, Nimue,” he said. “And I promise… you’ll be better again.”
She looked like she wanted to say something else, but then her eyes turned green and she started muttering, babbling nonsense, and Pollo knew he had lost her. He listened for a few minutes, trying to discern if what she was saying had anything to do with whatever this was, but then he determined it really was nothing.
“That which takes in all it sees/From which the Champion boldly flees/That which once held all the keys/That you were quick dismissing…”
Pollo called the commands to end the simulation and let go of the figure before him. She sparked for a moment before fizzling out, though he could still hear her babbling in robot form far away. Pollo turned off his own hologram and went back to work, glad that his robot form couldn’t cry for her.