Fic: Of Anthropological Interest (SG-1, Xena)
For havocthecat's birthday and the writing fanfic challenge. Unbeta'd fluffiness, but thanks to Celli for encouraging me in this silliness on AIM.
Of Anthropological Interest
by Christina K
copyright 2007
"Xena, I don't think you can hold yourself responsible for the outcome of a war that's been going on for ten years. You were just trying to help out a friend."
Daniel frowned at his laptop, debating whether or not Gabrielle ought to mention that any god that behaved as Hera, Athena, and Aphrodite did, didn't deserve worship, then decided he could work that in later.
"Helen will be much happier on her own in obscurity than she was as the queen of Troy or Sparta."
"It should have ended better...."
"Daniel."
"Gah!" Daniel immediately pulled the laptop screen down so Janet couldn't see it, and gave her his most innocent look. "What?"
"You know what. You're supposed to be resting, not working." Janet tapped at the lid of the laptop, eyes narrowing in full Napoleon mode. Which Daniel reminded himself not to find cute. That way lay needles. "There is nothing so important that you're risking your health to finish it. Turn it off so I can take it back to your office."
"Janet, I'm not working. And typing can't hurt my leg," Daniel argued, keeping his grip on the laptop. "I'm just internet surfing, that's all."
"Daniel, I saw you typing away like a maniac. You're either working on a report, or you're nitpicking the latest published archaeological paper. Either way, you're not supposed to be exerting yourself," Janet said, crossing her arms over her chest.
"I may have been, umm, nitpicking. But I can stop. I'll stop," Daniel tried to bargain. Sometimes it worked. Sometimes Janet gave in. "Just let me save this last bit."
"I'm standing here watching you do just that, Daniel. Or the laptop is mine."
And sometimes, not. A complicated expression of frustration and horror crossed Daniel's face before he got it under control. "Um."
"Daniel?" Janet frowned. "What kind of names are you calling your colleagues on the archaeology forums?"
"Nothing-never-mind-just-hang-on--" He nudged the screen upward for a second, then frantically tried to save the latest magnum opus of Gabrielle and Xena without letting Janet see it.
Damn that "post" key.
"No! No no no no no it wasn't finished gaaahhahhhh..." Daniel did a little twisting dance of frustration, then put his hands over his face. "I need to go back and, um, edit, Janet. Just hang on."
It might have been unethical and just plain wrong, but Janet couldn't resist any longer. She tilted the screen so she could see it, then stared. Well. Well, well, well... "Xena/Gabrielle Forever Forum?"
"I can explain."
Janet stared at him. Daniel stared back. Funny how the words that were supposed to follow "I can explain" completely eluded him.
"You were reading -- what were you reading?" Janet blinked at the lower part of the screen, not sure if she was shocked or what. "Lesbian porn?"
"No! Okay, I mean, that makes it sound-- I just started to read the fanfic because of the inaccuracies, someone pointed it out to me, and I hate to see movies and TV getting historical details wrong, you know that." Daniel would have flailed, but flailing while your leg is in a cast means you end up twisting or breaking something, so all he could do was lie there and quietly vibrate in mortification. "And I had to point out when the show made mistakes, and... um. So. I posted about the Greeks, and some of the background, and people asked me to edit their stories...."
Janet's eyes could have gone wider, but not without the device from A Clockwork Orange.
"It's a perfectly legitimate expression of cultural folklore!" Daniel tried. "There's even Harvard professors that say so!"
Janet looked at the screen and the most recent post, then back at Daniel. Incredulous. "So... you're studying them?"
"Yes! Yes, I'm studying them. The fans. As an anthropologist. Yes." Nodding frantically, Daniel gave her his best hopeful smile. "So you see, it's a perfectly non-gratuitous interest in the intersection between history and created myth."
"That is the biggest load of bullshit you have ever tried to unload on me, Daniel. And I include the statements 'I feel fine' and 'I don't need a check-up' in there." Although it was good to know his hormone levels were recovering, even if his leg wasn't finished healing yet.
"What? It's totally authentic post-modern folklore--"
"It's porn."
"What? No!"
Janet scrolled upward, and read aloud, "As her body trembled with ecstasy, Gabrielle moaned, 'Xena, my only soulmate, thank you from freeing me from my previous belief in the superiority of men...." She stared at the next line, and said, "Okay, I don't actually think lesbians do that in outdoor springs. Someone has to breathe." Hot and tacky. That took talent.
"It... I didn't... see, you're taking it out of context..." Daniel closed his eyes, and muttered, "Okay, okay, okay. What do you want?"
"What do I want?" Janet gave him a thoroughly happy smile. "Why do you think I want something? What could I possibly want?"
"Just tell me what it'll take for you not to tell anyone about this," Daniel said, pulling off his glasses and scrubbing his face with one hand. Especially Jack, because God help him, he'd never, ever ever ever let it go. "And it's not like I wrote it! It was just... there...."
"No, but you were writing something," Janet said, scrolling back down to his last entry. "Aha. Wait. You post as LaraCroftLover? Daniel!"
"It's not like anyone would ever guess that was me!"
Janet started chortling madly as she read the truncated entry, and said, "Tell me that the blond guy who speaks seven different dialects doesn't get together with Gabrielle in the next chapter. Or, wait. Both of them, maybe?" Daniel, you so need to get... ahem. Janet yanked
her thoughts back on course. Daniel's health. Daniel's welfare. Not Daniel's other needs, no, no, inappropriate when he can't run away due to broken leg. Although, given that post, he'd probably run really, really slowly.
"If you're just going to draw out the torture--"
"I want you to sleep, Daniel. Your secret is safe as long as you *try* to sleep for the rest of the afternoon." Janet finally got enough of a grip on herself to stop giggling. "I'll bring back the laptop in four hours. Okay?"
"Fine." Daniel slumped down in his bed, and gave her a dark look of thwarted creativity and possibly stomped-on hormones. "See if I let the healing priestess get lucky with any warlords."
Janet dimpled at him. Then decided to show just a *tiny* bit of mercy. And possibly test the waters. "If you're very very good, I'll tell you where you can find an epic where Gabrielle and Xena visit the Himalayas. With Amazons."
"Ooo."
Daniel was still wondering if Janet would be at all interested in reading his other story, the one where Xena and Gabrielle visited Egypt and ended up killing a few gods there before hanging out with the Medjai, when he finally fell back asleep.
(1173 words)
Of Anthropological Interest
by Christina K
copyright 2007
"Xena, I don't think you can hold yourself responsible for the outcome of a war that's been going on for ten years. You were just trying to help out a friend."
Daniel frowned at his laptop, debating whether or not Gabrielle ought to mention that any god that behaved as Hera, Athena, and Aphrodite did, didn't deserve worship, then decided he could work that in later.
"Helen will be much happier on her own in obscurity than she was as the queen of Troy or Sparta."
"It should have ended better...."
"Daniel."
"Gah!" Daniel immediately pulled the laptop screen down so Janet couldn't see it, and gave her his most innocent look. "What?"
"You know what. You're supposed to be resting, not working." Janet tapped at the lid of the laptop, eyes narrowing in full Napoleon mode. Which Daniel reminded himself not to find cute. That way lay needles. "There is nothing so important that you're risking your health to finish it. Turn it off so I can take it back to your office."
"Janet, I'm not working. And typing can't hurt my leg," Daniel argued, keeping his grip on the laptop. "I'm just internet surfing, that's all."
"Daniel, I saw you typing away like a maniac. You're either working on a report, or you're nitpicking the latest published archaeological paper. Either way, you're not supposed to be exerting yourself," Janet said, crossing her arms over her chest.
"I may have been, umm, nitpicking. But I can stop. I'll stop," Daniel tried to bargain. Sometimes it worked. Sometimes Janet gave in. "Just let me save this last bit."
"I'm standing here watching you do just that, Daniel. Or the laptop is mine."
And sometimes, not. A complicated expression of frustration and horror crossed Daniel's face before he got it under control. "Um."
"Daniel?" Janet frowned. "What kind of names are you calling your colleagues on the archaeology forums?"
"Nothing-never-mind-just-hang-on--" He nudged the screen upward for a second, then frantically tried to save the latest magnum opus of Gabrielle and Xena without letting Janet see it.
Damn that "post" key.
"No! No no no no no it wasn't finished gaaahhahhhh..." Daniel did a little twisting dance of frustration, then put his hands over his face. "I need to go back and, um, edit, Janet. Just hang on."
It might have been unethical and just plain wrong, but Janet couldn't resist any longer. She tilted the screen so she could see it, then stared. Well. Well, well, well... "Xena/Gabrielle Forever Forum?"
"I can explain."
Janet stared at him. Daniel stared back. Funny how the words that were supposed to follow "I can explain" completely eluded him.
"You were reading -- what were you reading?" Janet blinked at the lower part of the screen, not sure if she was shocked or what. "Lesbian porn?"
"No! Okay, I mean, that makes it sound-- I just started to read the fanfic because of the inaccuracies, someone pointed it out to me, and I hate to see movies and TV getting historical details wrong, you know that." Daniel would have flailed, but flailing while your leg is in a cast means you end up twisting or breaking something, so all he could do was lie there and quietly vibrate in mortification. "And I had to point out when the show made mistakes, and... um. So. I posted about the Greeks, and some of the background, and people asked me to edit their stories...."
Janet's eyes could have gone wider, but not without the device from A Clockwork Orange.
"It's a perfectly legitimate expression of cultural folklore!" Daniel tried. "There's even Harvard professors that say so!"
Janet looked at the screen and the most recent post, then back at Daniel. Incredulous. "So... you're studying them?"
"Yes! Yes, I'm studying them. The fans. As an anthropologist. Yes." Nodding frantically, Daniel gave her his best hopeful smile. "So you see, it's a perfectly non-gratuitous interest in the intersection between history and created myth."
"That is the biggest load of bullshit you have ever tried to unload on me, Daniel. And I include the statements 'I feel fine' and 'I don't need a check-up' in there." Although it was good to know his hormone levels were recovering, even if his leg wasn't finished healing yet.
"What? It's totally authentic post-modern folklore--"
"It's porn."
"What? No!"
Janet scrolled upward, and read aloud, "As her body trembled with ecstasy, Gabrielle moaned, 'Xena, my only soulmate, thank you from freeing me from my previous belief in the superiority of men...." She stared at the next line, and said, "Okay, I don't actually think lesbians do that in outdoor springs. Someone has to breathe." Hot and tacky. That took talent.
"It... I didn't... see, you're taking it out of context..." Daniel closed his eyes, and muttered, "Okay, okay, okay. What do you want?"
"What do I want?" Janet gave him a thoroughly happy smile. "Why do you think I want something? What could I possibly want?"
"Just tell me what it'll take for you not to tell anyone about this," Daniel said, pulling off his glasses and scrubbing his face with one hand. Especially Jack, because God help him, he'd never, ever ever ever let it go. "And it's not like I wrote it! It was just... there...."
"No, but you were writing something," Janet said, scrolling back down to his last entry. "Aha. Wait. You post as LaraCroftLover? Daniel!"
"It's not like anyone would ever guess that was me!"
Janet started chortling madly as she read the truncated entry, and said, "Tell me that the blond guy who speaks seven different dialects doesn't get together with Gabrielle in the next chapter. Or, wait. Both of them, maybe?" Daniel, you so need to get... ahem. Janet yanked
her thoughts back on course. Daniel's health. Daniel's welfare. Not Daniel's other needs, no, no, inappropriate when he can't run away due to broken leg. Although, given that post, he'd probably run really, really slowly.
"If you're just going to draw out the torture--"
"I want you to sleep, Daniel. Your secret is safe as long as you *try* to sleep for the rest of the afternoon." Janet finally got enough of a grip on herself to stop giggling. "I'll bring back the laptop in four hours. Okay?"
"Fine." Daniel slumped down in his bed, and gave her a dark look of thwarted creativity and possibly stomped-on hormones. "See if I let the healing priestess get lucky with any warlords."
Janet dimpled at him. Then decided to show just a *tiny* bit of mercy. And possibly test the waters. "If you're very very good, I'll tell you where you can find an epic where Gabrielle and Xena visit the Himalayas. With Amazons."
"Ooo."
Daniel was still wondering if Janet would be at all interested in reading his other story, the one where Xena and Gabrielle visited Egypt and ended up killing a few gods there before hanging out with the Medjai, when he finally fell back asleep.
(1173 words)