Time to Make Amends (rp for cisskabob)

[butimwondergirl]

Three strikes, you're out, so Cassie has a lot to make up for.

She'd put Cissie off at least three times and it wasn't at all fair. Now that the tables were turned and it was clear Cissie was holding things back from Cassie the unfairness was blatantly obvious to her. Which only made her feel worse, but equally determined to fix it. She hadn't

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[cisskabob]

Last night, Cissie let Bart distract her after Cassie shut down, but she had still woken feeling unsettled and upset. She dealt with it by throwing herself into her work at the bakery. Testing recipes, stocking shelves, cleaning counters and displays that had been cleaned about a thousand times already, doing just about whatever she could to keep herself busy and distracted. She was almost okay, but then she saw Cassie's post. It wasn't even really the fact that Cassie had shut her out yet again, so much as the way she completely missed the point as to what she should apologize for. And then gave then a homework assignment. Okay, not really, but Cissie was feeling hurt and frustrated and an uncharacteristic desire to lash out. She restrained herself, not saying some of the things that came to mind when she commented in Cassie's journal. When Cassie suggested coffee, she gave Bart a quick phone call to tell him--not because he needed to know where she was all the time, but because she needed to hear his voice and listen to him

[butimwondergirl]

Cassie gave a little wave in reply and followed up with a "Hi." As always seemed to happen, now that Cissie was in front of her, she felt completely tongue-tied and inadequate to the task of even a simple conversation over coffee. She hadn't always been this way. She remembered when the toughest task they had to deal with was finding a school that would take an outed superhero. It was Cissie who had solved it, then. Cissie had always been there to work the problem, no matter what it was.

"The place looks great." Her eyes flickered around the shop, looking anywhere but at Cissie. "It's really amazing. I'm so excited for you guys." It sounded absurd even to Cassie; Cissie would think she was avoiding again. Cissie might be right. So.

"So." Cassie finally turned her gaze to her friend directly. "Coffee?"

[cisskabob]

Normally this would be the point where Cissie took over and tried to smooth the awkwardness with a hug or just by talking as if it wasn't even there--Cassie even gave her a good opening by complimenting the bakery. If Cissie were feeling like herself, she would have been gushing about the place and spilling about how anxious she was about the opening. As it was, she wasn't in the mood to be the one smoothing things over this time. She nodded, glancing around the bakery with Cassie. "Thanks." She sounded flat and dull even to herself and took a deep breath. This wasn't going to help. She was just tired and still hurting. But she grabbed her purse and the keys to the shop, locking up behind her. "Yeah, coffee."

[butimwondergirl]

Cassie had promised she would do the heavy-lifting in this interaction. She doesn't ignore Cissie's mood, that would be rude, among other things. But she doesn't address it directly either, not while they are walking to the coffee shop at least. She keeps her voice even, asking simple questions about the bakery that Cissie can answer with one or two words.

Once they've got their coffees (to give them something to do with their hands, at least) and (substandard, of course) pastries (that they probably won't eat) and have settled in a mostly secluded corner of the shop, Cassie took a deep breath and addressed the task at hand.

"Cissie, I'm really sorry things got so out of hand last night and I'm even more sorry I bolted on you. Again."

She watched Cissie's reaction very closely.

[cisskabob]

Cissie sucked in a breath, feeling like she'd been physically struck. You are... assuming you want to be...a full, complete, absolute, real, true member of the team. That was--precisely the issue, right there, wasn't it. If she wasn't out in the field, she didn't count? She couldn't be a real member? She wasn't going to cry. And she wasn't going to lash out the way she wanted to--to point out the irony in Cassie wanting to know what someone was hiding. If Cissie were Cassie, she would be shutting down right about now and retreating. There was a huge part of her that wanted to. That wanted to stalk out of the cafe and go hide for a while.

But it wouldn't help. And they'd already let things sit and fester long enough. So Cissie blinked away hot tears and tried to breathe and speak without her voice shaking and did not look at Cassie. "Maybe there is a misunderstanding. What kind of a member do you think I am?"

[butimwondergirl]

Cassie kept getting stuck in these conversations that she didn't understand. Is it really any wonder she feels the need to run off to regroup?

But Cissie was crying and trying not to. She had to unstuck them.

"I just said..." GAH! Stammering wasn't going to help. Focus, Cassie. She took a breath and leaned in closer. "A member member. You're...on the council! You're exactly as much a member as I am or Bart is or Tim or Kon. You're a...founding member!" She really was confused. "You'd be doing just as much as we would...more! You'd have so much responsibility. I don't..."

She shook her head. The more she tried to make this work the more it felt impossible. It was like the Titans all over again except worse because it should be easier, at least if you believed Bart or Kon. She closed her lips into her mouth again and opened her eyes wide. This was Cissie's time; she would not cry.

[cisskabob]

Cissie reached up and rubbed at her eyes, pinching her nose again. She swallowed hard and didn't move her hand. "What you said before, about being a true member of the team. I--took that to mean I think I am, but maybe you don't." Admitting it, like so much else about this whole mess, made her ache. "Maybe I was wrong. I don't know. Sometimes I--" Cissie pressed her lips together in a thin line for a moment.

Not talking hadn't gotten them anywhere and she was always telling Cassie to talk to her, even if it felt like she never did. Maybe she needed to actually follow her own advice, however hard it was.

"Sometimes. I feel like I'm still being--judged or something. For quitting. Like. I don't count or--something. Because I'm not out there with you. Like my opinion and experiences don't--aren't as important." She took a steadying breath. "I feel like. If I weren't here, it wouldn't matter."

[butimwondergirl]

Well, at least that made sense. "No. I meant...I'm trying to be aware of your feelings and...desires...and I keep stumbling over it. Let me be completely clear. I want you on the team. I need you on the team."

She clasped her hands to avoid shaking. "Cissie, you did the right thing. You made a decision and took and stand and if you are being judged for that it is positively because...because it's something so many of us couldn't do. I couldn't. And I don't think that is a strength on my part." She took a breath, still feeling shaky. "You maybe have better experiences because of it but regardless all your experiences and certainly your opinions count. How can you think you don't matter?"

Cassie stopped and took a moment to brush away the tears that refused to obey her ultimatum on crying. "...And you would be out there with us. Just as involved as if you were...I need you, Cissie."

I need you.