Time to Make Amends (rp for cisskabob)

[butimwondergirl]

Three strikes, you're out, so Cassie has a lot to make up for.

She'd put Cissie off at least three times and it wasn't at all fair. Now that the tables were turned and it was clear Cissie was holding things back from Cassie the unfairness was blatantly obvious to her. Which only made her feel worse, but equally determined to fix it. She hadn't

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[cisskabob]

Last night, Cissie let Bart distract her after Cassie shut down, but she had still woken feeling unsettled and upset. She dealt with it by throwing herself into her work at the bakery. Testing recipes, stocking shelves, cleaning counters and displays that had been cleaned about a thousand times already, doing just about whatever she could to keep herself busy and distracted. She was almost okay, but then she saw Cassie's post. It wasn't even really the fact that Cassie had shut her out yet again, so much as the way she completely missed the point as to what she should apologize for. And then gave then a homework assignment. Okay, not really, but Cissie was feeling hurt and frustrated and an uncharacteristic desire to lash out. She restrained herself, not saying some of the things that came to mind when she commented in Cassie's journal. When Cassie suggested coffee, she gave Bart a quick phone call to tell him--not because he needed to know where she was all the time, but because she needed to hear his voice and listen to him

[butimwondergirl]

Cassie gave a little wave in reply and followed up with a "Hi." As always seemed to happen, now that Cissie was in front of her, she felt completely tongue-tied and inadequate to the task of even a simple conversation over coffee. She hadn't always been this way. She remembered when the toughest task they had to deal with was finding a school that would take an outed superhero. It was Cissie who had solved it, then. Cissie had always been there to work the problem, no matter what it was.

"The place looks great." Her eyes flickered around the shop, looking anywhere but at Cissie. "It's really amazing. I'm so excited for you guys." It sounded absurd even to Cassie; Cissie would think she was avoiding again. Cissie might be right. So.

"So." Cassie finally turned her gaze to her friend directly. "Coffee?"

[cisskabob]

Normally this would be the point where Cissie took over and tried to smooth the awkwardness with a hug or just by talking as if it wasn't even there--Cassie even gave her a good opening by complimenting the bakery. If Cissie were feeling like herself, she would have been gushing about the place and spilling about how anxious she was about the opening. As it was, she wasn't in the mood to be the one smoothing things over this time. She nodded, glancing around the bakery with Cassie. "Thanks." She sounded flat and dull even to herself and took a deep breath. This wasn't going to help. She was just tired and still hurting. But she grabbed her purse and the keys to the shop, locking up behind her. "Yeah, coffee."

[butimwondergirl]

Cassie had promised she would do the heavy-lifting in this interaction. She doesn't ignore Cissie's mood, that would be rude, among other things. But she doesn't address it directly either, not while they are walking to the coffee shop at least. She keeps her voice even, asking simple questions about the bakery that Cissie can answer with one or two words.

Once they've got their coffees (to give them something to do with their hands, at least) and (substandard, of course) pastries (that they probably won't eat) and have settled in a mostly secluded corner of the shop, Cassie took a deep breath and addressed the task at hand.

"Cissie, I'm really sorry things got so out of hand last night and I'm even more sorry I bolted on you. Again."

She watched Cissie's reaction very closely.

[cisskabob]

Cissie kept her eyes on her food, picking absently at the pastry. She really wasn't hungry. She listened to Cassie's apology quietly. There were a million things she wanted to say--a million things she'd thought of in the hours since Cassie fled, but they weren't actually good or helpful things so much as things thought of when she wanted to lash out. She took a deep breath instead and shrugged a shoulder.

"I know you are." That was just it--she did know Cassie was sorry. "I'm not even sure what happened or why you think they got out of hand."

[butimwondergirl]

Bart. Bart pushed her buttons the way he always did and her attempts to contain it had resulted in lashing out and running away. Once her defenses were set to yellow alert Bart's suggestions started sounding like he thought he knew better and Cissie's playful responses for a code name sounded flippant. She started firing and when she realized what she was doing all she could think to do was throw her shields up at maximum and retreat to the one person she wasn't hurting just by being herself.

But even then...She should have gone to the island.

"Bart thinks you should be the team-leader. Or co-leader. He says you two have discussed it some..." She picked up her coffee cup. "Could you tell me...I mean, what do you think...how do you see yourself with the team?"

It was not a well-formed question; she hoped the intent came across.

[cisskabob]

Cissie blinked and let out a low exhale. Following her statement and not being privy to Cassie's thought process, what Cassie said felt like an answer and it hurt. Maybe she was hyper-sensitive after last night, but even if she wasn't, the team--and her place on it--was a hard subject for her. She pressed her lips in a tight line, staring at the table while she steadied her breathing.

"Is that why you got angry? Because of what you and Bart were talking about?"

[butimwondergirl]

"I wasn't angry." Cassie said immediately and forcefully. Then calmer. "I was...frustrated. I thought you wanted..." She looked away. 'To be a cheerleader' was insulting just to think and it wasn't at all what she thought Cissie wanted, it was just the word that sprang to mind. "You haven't said how you wanted to be involved, just that you explicitly didn't want to be in the field. So I was thinking the...com support or something. Behind the scenes but directing things, like at the Watchtower...Well, but, so, really that is the non-field-leader so it made sense once I thought about it but the way Bart...I don't know, I thought I was protecting you saying it's not what you said you wanted but I don't think that's how it happened when I said it and then I didn't know what to say anymore and...now I have said a lot..." She closed her lips over her teeth and looked anxiously at Cissie.

[cisskabob]

Cissie looked at her, frowning slightly. That was... kind of like when Bart rambled and her brain needed a second to catch up. "You... Wait." She shook her head. "You got frustrated with Bart about me and whatever my role on the team is, and that's why you shut down and ran off to Gotham?"

Cissie put a hand over her eyes, leaning her elbow on the table and sighing. She took a moment before admitting, "I don't know what I want, Cassie. The only person I've talked to about this is Bart because he brought it up. He suggested the leader thing one night after we'd gone to bed and I said we should talk about it with all of you. I haven't picked a code name yet because--" She stopped, partly because her voice was shaking and partly because she didn't know what to say or how to say it without crying. "But if it's going to be such a problem--" She couldn't finish that thought, either.

[butimwondergirl]

"I got frustrated because Bart was telling me I needed a co-leader and it should be you and not him at the same time you were suggesting I call you 42. Which doesn't even make sense!" Yes, Cassie was babbling. No, she has never read Douglas Adams. "I was getting mixed messages."

She touched a hesitant hand to Cissie's arm.

"It's not a problem. I asked almost everyone a code name question but...I shouldn't have pressed you. It was inconsiderate and it's not important. I was doing paperwork and I wanted to fill in blanks, that's all. It's silly." She tried to give Cissie an encouraging, chagrined smile but she doesn't know how well she succeeded. "It's not a problem, Cissie. You are not a problem."

[cisskabob]

Cissie pinched the bridge of her nose, because that somehow seemed to help. "I was being silly," she said tiredly. "42 is a joke. It's Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy--the answer to the question 'what is the meaning of life, the universe and everything?' The answer is '42.' It's not really supposed to make sense."

She shrugged, dropping her hand. "But it became a problem," she said quietly. "And all we were talking about was what I'd call myself, not what I'd do, and--when we could have had an actual discussion about it, you wouldn't." Cissie picked up her coffee cup, looking into it instead of drinking it. "So I asked Kon if he thought I could actually contribute to the team by not being on the field, and do you know what he said? He said 'sure, look at Snapper.'" And Oracle, but Cissie had latched on and focused on the other example, of course. "Do you remember when Snapper was part of YJ? No one listened to him and all we did was mock him. What exactly did he do?" She shook her head, frustrated. "Of course,

[butimwondergirl]

"I know, Cissie, but it was...the timing made it hard to keep separate in my mind. That's my issue and my fault and I am so sorry it hurt you." She chewed her lip. "And Kon...no, he didn't mean it that way. He meant to tease Bart, I'm sure. But that doesn't make it unfair of you to be upset."

Cassie sat very still in her chair. "I know you'd contribute a lot, Cissie. What do you want?"

[cisskabob]

Cissie shoved a hand through her hair and looked away. She was frustrated now--and if asked, she wasn't sure she could exactly say why. Instead, in a strained voice, she said, "I don't know, Cassie." She felt like she was saying that a lot lately, especially about YJ, but--it was the truth. Sort of. The entire truth was harder and potentially hurtful, and even as turbulent as she was feeling, she didn't want to be hurtful.

And she didn't want to be hurt in the discussion, and even thinking about actually having it hurt. It felt a little like a no-win scenario.

Cissie took another deep breath and stirred her coffee, just to be doing something. "I want to actually help. I don't want--" To be the team charity case. To be an honorary member. To be included just because. "I don't want the fact that I'm not out in the field with you all to..." Exclude me. Be held against me. "Be a huge issue."

[butimwondergirl]

"But it's...not?" Cissie was clearly upset and Cassie was not immune to it but she was honestly confused. "I don't understand, why do you think you wouldn't be helping? It's not..." She stopped, babbling at her wasn't going to help anything.

Cassie took a sip of coffee and then another, trying to figure out what to say.

"Okay." Another sip. "I think...there is a misunderstanding somewhere here. You are...assuming you want to be...a full, complete, absolute, real, true member of the team. Cissie...Bart wants you to lead." Hands tightened on the cup on the table. "What's...what are you-" afraid of? "-holding back?"