whatever a moon has always meant
Title: whatever a moon has always meant
Characters:Lily (Owen, Rufus)
Rating/Word Count: PG-13, 1,068
One-Line Excerpt: Lily hides out on the beach, for months, taking pictures of the surfers and the skyline every morning before attending the required number of classes to keep her mother out of her life.
A/N: i carry your heart with me is by e.e. cummings, no copyright infringement intended.
Lily Rhodes loses her virginity on a futon, in a dingy basement in Santa Monica at 5 in the morning when her sister and their friends are out surfing.
She knows everyone would be surprised to find out she was a virgin, except maybe Carol, but they don’t ever talk about it. In fact, Carol likes to pretend that Lily will be a virgin until marriage, and by marriage she means Lily joins a nunnery.
Lily’s 17 though, and she’s been dating Owen for three months and he hasn’t pressured her really, other than that one time she was really high and they started to but it hurt so bad she made him pull out. He kissed her sweetly afterward, wiped away her tears, and that’s how she knows he’s a keeper.
Carol doesn’t think so, but Carol also has terrible taste in men and thinks anyone in a leather jacket is a sexual predator. Lily points this out one night after too many jack and cokes, saying how much Carol sounds like mom, and is rewarded by Carol changing the locks on their apartment. She doesn’t relent for a week; Lily slept on the beach and didn’t tell anyone.
“I carry your heart,” she whispers as she gets out of bed. Owen’s dozed off, his hair falling into his closed eyes and she resists the urge to brush it back.
Owen doesn’t know who Cummings is, won’t even read the paperback copy of his poems she leaves behind in his messy basement apartment.
He loses track of it almost as fast as she loses track of him.
***
She expected to feel different differently. Lily thought losing her virginity would make her feel connected, a part of the world, a grown up woman. Instead she feels an ache between her thighs and a sense that things will never feel right again. It makes her feel scared and she longs to run home to a place that doesn’t exist anymore.
Lily’s scared and wants to go back, maybe pretend it never happened. She doesn’t know if the ache will ever go away-but she knows Owen will.
The writing’s been on the wall for them since the beginning.
Still, she whispers, “I carry it in my heart” to him when she thinks he can’t hear.
***
It isn’t Owen who whispers back “for beautiful, you are my world, my true.”
Lily cries for a week after they breakup. First love never seemed so hard until she lived it. She sits in the wet sand of low tide, waiting for the waves to lap around her ankles, watching the damp sand fall in clumps through her fingers.
“You’re too good for him anyway,” Carol says, pressing a kiss into her hair. It’s sweet, the sentiment, but doesn’t that mean they’d still be together?
“Oh sweetheart,” her mother says. “Some things just aren’t meant to be.”
“Dude, you gotta quit moping about that loser friend of mine,” is Shep’s response. Lily looks up at him, eyes hopeful, then shakes her head and dips her spoon back into the carton of ice cream.
When her eyes get too bloodshot from crying, she covers them with her Ray-Bans and makes a joke about wearing her sunglasses at night.
“Lily, you have to stop moping about this,” Carol says finally. “If you miss anymore school, mom’s going to send you back to boarding school.”
He was my first, she thinks. Aren’t I required to mope? Higher than the soul can hope and the mind can hide, isn’t that life?
***
Lily hides out on the beach for months, taking pictures of the surfers and the skyline every morning before attending the required number of classes to keep her mother out of her life.
It’s there she meets another leather jacket clad Lothario with dark hair and dark eyes who invites her along to a show.
“I don’t have a heart,” she warns him.
“You are my fate, my sweet,” he says, and she doesn’t know if he knows Cummings or it’s a cheesy pickup line, but she nods and says she’ll be there after he asks her to take pictures of the show.
It’s a slippery slope from taking his hand as he walks her over the sand back to her car to getting her GED and traveling around the country with him, ignoring everything that sounds like “getting a degree” and “making the most of your life” and “have you met this wonderful boy William? He lives just outside the city and I believe your sister knows his brother?”
Lily falls much quicker than Alice down the rabbit hole.
***
She tells Rufus later, “You are the deepest secret nobody knows,” and only smiles when he replies, “and whatever a sun will always sing is you.”
She waits to sleep with him, until after he’s declared his love on stage, singing obliquely about her horse from five years ago.
“I thought I was broken,” she says after the show, when they’re curled up in the tour van, watching the lights of the oncoming cars pass through the windowpane.
“Lily,” he says simply. “You’ll never be broken.”
And she believes him.
***
Their wedding day, five marriages later, she slips a waiter a note to take to him. It reads, “and I am never without it.”
She pretends she doesn’t remember the first boy she ever said that to when she writes it in fountain pen, blowing on it to dry. Lily pretends to not remember the sleepless nights and cried out eyes that led her to this place.
Their children have fallen in and out of love, and she doesn’t know if it’ll last this time. She doesn’t know if she’ll last this time.
Still, she thinks maybe this is it for good this time when Rufus sends back a note that says “whatever is done by only me is your doing, my darling.”
***
When she finally sleeps with Rufus, after months of making him work for it, work for her, he wants to cuddle afterwards.
She wakes up at five am, tries to sneak away, but he only tightens his hold.
“Carol’s going to be worried,” she says, trying to sit up.
His eyes are still closed, not moving when he murmurs, “Anywhere I go you go, my dear.”
She never loses track of him. He never stops following her.
Characters:Lily (Owen, Rufus)
Rating/Word Count: PG-13, 1,068
One-Line Excerpt: Lily hides out on the beach, for months, taking pictures of the surfers and the skyline every morning before attending the required number of classes to keep her mother out of her life.
A/N: i carry your heart with me is by e.e. cummings, no copyright infringement intended.
Lily Rhodes loses her virginity on a futon, in a dingy basement in Santa Monica at 5 in the morning when her sister and their friends are out surfing.
She knows everyone would be surprised to find out she was a virgin, except maybe Carol, but they don’t ever talk about it. In fact, Carol likes to pretend that Lily will be a virgin until marriage, and by marriage she means Lily joins a nunnery.
Lily’s 17 though, and she’s been dating Owen for three months and he hasn’t pressured her really, other than that one time she was really high and they started to but it hurt so bad she made him pull out. He kissed her sweetly afterward, wiped away her tears, and that’s how she knows he’s a keeper.
Carol doesn’t think so, but Carol also has terrible taste in men and thinks anyone in a leather jacket is a sexual predator. Lily points this out one night after too many jack and cokes, saying how much Carol sounds like mom, and is rewarded by Carol changing the locks on their apartment. She doesn’t relent for a week; Lily slept on the beach and didn’t tell anyone.
“I carry your heart,” she whispers as she gets out of bed. Owen’s dozed off, his hair falling into his closed eyes and she resists the urge to brush it back.
Owen doesn’t know who Cummings is, won’t even read the paperback copy of his poems she leaves behind in his messy basement apartment.
He loses track of it almost as fast as she loses track of him.
***
She expected to feel different differently. Lily thought losing her virginity would make her feel connected, a part of the world, a grown up woman. Instead she feels an ache between her thighs and a sense that things will never feel right again. It makes her feel scared and she longs to run home to a place that doesn’t exist anymore.
Lily’s scared and wants to go back, maybe pretend it never happened. She doesn’t know if the ache will ever go away-but she knows Owen will.
The writing’s been on the wall for them since the beginning.
Still, she whispers, “I carry it in my heart” to him when she thinks he can’t hear.
***
It isn’t Owen who whispers back “for beautiful, you are my world, my true.”
Lily cries for a week after they breakup. First love never seemed so hard until she lived it. She sits in the wet sand of low tide, waiting for the waves to lap around her ankles, watching the damp sand fall in clumps through her fingers.
“You’re too good for him anyway,” Carol says, pressing a kiss into her hair. It’s sweet, the sentiment, but doesn’t that mean they’d still be together?
“Oh sweetheart,” her mother says. “Some things just aren’t meant to be.”
“Dude, you gotta quit moping about that loser friend of mine,” is Shep’s response. Lily looks up at him, eyes hopeful, then shakes her head and dips her spoon back into the carton of ice cream.
When her eyes get too bloodshot from crying, she covers them with her Ray-Bans and makes a joke about wearing her sunglasses at night.
“Lily, you have to stop moping about this,” Carol says finally. “If you miss anymore school, mom’s going to send you back to boarding school.”
He was my first, she thinks. Aren’t I required to mope? Higher than the soul can hope and the mind can hide, isn’t that life?
***
Lily hides out on the beach for months, taking pictures of the surfers and the skyline every morning before attending the required number of classes to keep her mother out of her life.
It’s there she meets another leather jacket clad Lothario with dark hair and dark eyes who invites her along to a show.
“I don’t have a heart,” she warns him.
“You are my fate, my sweet,” he says, and she doesn’t know if he knows Cummings or it’s a cheesy pickup line, but she nods and says she’ll be there after he asks her to take pictures of the show.
It’s a slippery slope from taking his hand as he walks her over the sand back to her car to getting her GED and traveling around the country with him, ignoring everything that sounds like “getting a degree” and “making the most of your life” and “have you met this wonderful boy William? He lives just outside the city and I believe your sister knows his brother?”
Lily falls much quicker than Alice down the rabbit hole.
***
She tells Rufus later, “You are the deepest secret nobody knows,” and only smiles when he replies, “and whatever a sun will always sing is you.”
She waits to sleep with him, until after he’s declared his love on stage, singing obliquely about her horse from five years ago.
“I thought I was broken,” she says after the show, when they’re curled up in the tour van, watching the lights of the oncoming cars pass through the windowpane.
“Lily,” he says simply. “You’ll never be broken.”
And she believes him.
***
Their wedding day, five marriages later, she slips a waiter a note to take to him. It reads, “and I am never without it.”
She pretends she doesn’t remember the first boy she ever said that to when she writes it in fountain pen, blowing on it to dry. Lily pretends to not remember the sleepless nights and cried out eyes that led her to this place.
Their children have fallen in and out of love, and she doesn’t know if it’ll last this time. She doesn’t know if she’ll last this time.
Still, she thinks maybe this is it for good this time when Rufus sends back a note that says “whatever is done by only me is your doing, my darling.”
***
When she finally sleeps with Rufus, after months of making him work for it, work for her, he wants to cuddle afterwards.
She wakes up at five am, tries to sneak away, but he only tightens his hold.
“Carol’s going to be worried,” she says, trying to sit up.
His eyes are still closed, not moving when he murmurs, “Anywhere I go you go, my dear.”
She never loses track of him. He never stops following her.