[Fandom_muses prompt: dollhouse]
Dollhouse.
When Leoben had me in that frakking house I thought I was going crazy.
I knew the Cylons looked like people, because we were all told they did. I'm a soldier; I'm given information, I process it, I shoot first and don't ask questions. And yet, every single time Leoben walked through that godsdamned door after I killed him--trust me, that was when I really figured out what it mean that these frakkers would never die. The first few times, I kept hoping he wouldn't come back.
I think I was doing it for fun, at the end. And it was fun. Don't ever think I didn't enjoy that, Leoben. I hope you liked kissing me half as much as I liked killing you.
The thing about being in Leoben's little playhouse--I guess I could be honest, here. I wasn't happy on New Caprica before he kidnapped me. Sam was sick and I felt tense all the time because I missed flying. I'm a frakking pilot, it's what I do, it's what I love. I thought I could make it work planetside, I really did. But I don't think it would have worked, even if the Cylons hadn't shown up and frakked it all up. Not because I don't love Sam, but because I couldn't fly. I couldn't get away.
Don't get me wrong, being locked up in that creepy frakking apartment with Leoben was a lot worse than being in a tent with my sick husband, because I chose to stay with Sam. But I remember trying to sleep and not being able to, I remember going outside and looking up at the stars. You want to know the truth? I felt just as trapped, just as afraid.
I don't think I'm a girl who does well being confined, even when I agree to it. And yet, in some frakked up way, I want something safe. But then I get it, and I frak it all up and ruin it, because I have to be able to run away, all the time, no matter what.
This doesn't mean I don't hate Leoben for that. I still have frakking nightmares about it. But if we're being honest, and why the hell not, I have nightmares about living in that tent with Sam, too. I go sit in my Viper after I have them, sometimes. I like knowing I can get away, even if I don't have anywhere to go.
I think this is probably pretty frakked up. I feel like I should apologize to Sam for this, like I lied when we got married. Maybe he knew I wasn't going to be happy on New Caprica. Frak if I know. I'm not good at any of this. I said I'd try. I tried, and I sucked at it. And yet he still wants me, for some reason, like I'm not just going to do it again.
Leoben, if you dare apologize for what you did to me, I'll kill you for real this time. And I won't even kiss you first.
When Leoben had me in that frakking house I thought I was going crazy.
I knew the Cylons looked like people, because we were all told they did. I'm a soldier; I'm given information, I process it, I shoot first and don't ask questions. And yet, every single time Leoben walked through that godsdamned door after I killed him--trust me, that was when I really figured out what it mean that these frakkers would never die. The first few times, I kept hoping he wouldn't come back.
I think I was doing it for fun, at the end. And it was fun. Don't ever think I didn't enjoy that, Leoben. I hope you liked kissing me half as much as I liked killing you.
The thing about being in Leoben's little playhouse--I guess I could be honest, here. I wasn't happy on New Caprica before he kidnapped me. Sam was sick and I felt tense all the time because I missed flying. I'm a frakking pilot, it's what I do, it's what I love. I thought I could make it work planetside, I really did. But I don't think it would have worked, even if the Cylons hadn't shown up and frakked it all up. Not because I don't love Sam, but because I couldn't fly. I couldn't get away.
Don't get me wrong, being locked up in that creepy frakking apartment with Leoben was a lot worse than being in a tent with my sick husband, because I chose to stay with Sam. But I remember trying to sleep and not being able to, I remember going outside and looking up at the stars. You want to know the truth? I felt just as trapped, just as afraid.
I don't think I'm a girl who does well being confined, even when I agree to it. And yet, in some frakked up way, I want something safe. But then I get it, and I frak it all up and ruin it, because I have to be able to run away, all the time, no matter what.
This doesn't mean I don't hate Leoben for that. I still have frakking nightmares about it. But if we're being honest, and why the hell not, I have nightmares about living in that tent with Sam, too. I go sit in my Viper after I have them, sometimes. I like knowing I can get away, even if I don't have anywhere to go.
I think this is probably pretty frakked up. I feel like I should apologize to Sam for this, like I lied when we got married. Maybe he knew I wasn't going to be happy on New Caprica. Frak if I know. I'm not good at any of this. I said I'd try. I tried, and I sucked at it. And yet he still wants me, for some reason, like I'm not just going to do it again.
Leoben, if you dare apologize for what you did to me, I'll kill you for real this time. And I won't even kiss you first.