thirty days ; 25
ukiss ; 추억이 들린다 (i can hear the memories)
alexander/kevin/eli ; pg ; 1885 words
no matter how much our lives have changed, i still think about you all the time.
» 30 days » day twenty-five » sunset.
at first, he feels a lot of pain. that slowly makes place for relief, only to be followed by more pain and sadness.
even though alexander tries to avoid them, he sees them everywhere (or maybe they're just inside his head). he misses his friends, he misses u-kiss and he spends most of his time pretending he doesn't care, that he doesn't need them anymore, that he can do this on his own. but it's really just pretending, because every day he wakes up with this dull ache in his chest, reminding him how much he needs them and that he can't do this on his own.
it takes a while before he finally realizes that it's never going to be the way it was, that he isn't going back to them, not as a part of them anyway. he tries to move on, trying to focus on himself and his family, making up for all the times he missed out.
and then that day comes where he makes the decision to go on alone, without them, because it's will always be his passion and just because they're away, doesn't mean his passion is gone too.
so he goes on, rambling about things no one understands except kevin, who somehow understands him no matter what he says. but kevin isn't there, only brian who gives him a weird look.
and when the director yells at him during rehearsals, saying something alexander doesn't understand, he looks around for eli, because he's the only that understands his desperate eye-rolls and meaningful glances. but eli isn't there either, so alexander just looks at himself in the mirror.
as he lies down on his bed that evening, he wonders if kevin and eli are preparing for the beach trip, planning a sleepover while trying not to raise the suspicion of their manager.
he closes his eyes and hears kevin's giggles as eli stutters out a lie in korean, both of them laughing out loud when their manager leaves. they plop down beside alexander on the bed, tossing and turning until they're comfortable and snuggled up.
---
after eight months he goes back. alexander thinks it's bittersweet and beautiful at the same time, because he isn't really coming back, he's just going back to seoul.
he goes to the playground to meet kevin the day after he arrives. more than anything he's worried - because after ten months, they're surely going to be awkward, after ten months the something between them must have changed.
that’s why he’s surprised by how easy it all feels. it feels perfect, like he has never left. kevin smiles brightly at him, closing the distance between them and pulling him into a tight hug.
“xander,” kevin whispers fondly, followed by a soft laugh.
when kevin finally lets him go, alexander looks at him, a big grin on his face. “let's eat.”
they find their favorite restaurant (it really feels like nothing has changed), ordering half the menu because 'it's been ages since i ate proper korean food' for the both of them.
“how have you been?” kevin asks, his mouth full with ramen, black bean sauce covering his lips.
alexander gulps and forces himself to look away. “fine,” he says. “busy with this and that, you know, the usual.”
kevin tilts his head. “but how have you been?”
looking up, they lock eyes.
“it's weird,” alexander says after a while. “it's weird because i see pictures and videos, there's people calling me u-kiss' xander, but i'm not anymore although i still want to be him. i feel empty, because i don't have six guys around me anymore, there's no one that makes fun of my korean and teases me because of it. and i feel...” he takes a deep breath. “...i feel jealous, because you replaced me so easily.”
kevin doesn't say anything.
“i'm sorry...i didn't want to bring this up today. we're supposed to be happy because i'm back,” alexander says.
“xander i -”
“don't apologize. being happy, remember?”
kevin gives him a sad smile, reaching out to hold alexander's hand. “alright then, happy it is,” he says. “how about: it's sunday?”
alexander looks at him blankly, pretending he doesn't know what kevin is talking about, even though his heart is beating that much faster.
they go to the beach after they've finished dinner and alexander feels a flood of memories entering his mind. he smiles, because it almost feels exactly like it was before, except he isn't there.
---
(
it's four o'clock in the morning when they arrive at the beach. it's completely deserted (“what did you expect at four in the morning?” “there could be people fishing!” “at four in the morning?” “night fishing!”) and alexander giggles as he takes off his shoes. “last to arrive is a dumbhead,” he yells childishly, running towards the water.
eli yells something inaudible and quickly runs after him, laughing loudly. they arrive at the water around the same time and alexander lets out a shriek, screaming something about 'the water is so freaking cold'.
alexander bucks down to splash water on eli nonetheless, eyes lingering on eli's chest as his shirt clings to his body. his thoughts drift off and before he knows it cold water is dripping down his back and he really wants to yell, but eli's booming laughter stops him.
they lock eyes and eli's laughter dies down a little, they're both panting from their run and something is going on, right?
kevin arrives then, clinging to alexander while whining about why they left him. alexander laughs and ruffles kevin's hair while eli pokes kevin's cheeks.
they splash around the water some more, but soon they realize it's too cold and early for this.
“let's warm up,” alexander suggests, giving eli a small shove as he heads back towards the beach. he looks back and sees eli hugging kevin while moving them out of the water at the same time.
they sit down in the sand, huddled together under one blanket. the sun is rising and alexander lets out a content sigh, thinking that it wouldn't be so bad to stay like this forever.
)
---
it takes four more days for alexander to finally bump into him. they're at this halloween party which he was forced to go to, brian whining about it until he said yes. he's sort of glad he did go, because eli is here, but at the same time eli is here and oh my god, what do i do?
“hey,” he says, slowly sitting down beside eli. “it's been a while, huh?”
alexander wonders if people are focusing on them, wondering what's going to happen between two ex-band members who haven't seen each other in a while, wondering if they're sensing this tension between them too. but that thought slips to the back of his mind when eli just stares intently at the glass in his hand, not responding to alexander's question at all.
alexander thinks that everything might be alright if only eli looked at him, because didn't they have this secret understanding just by looking each other in the eye?
but eli just gets up, his leg brushing against alexander's, walking over to isak without looking back.
he hears the whispers, and alexander feels his ears turning red in embarrassment. he stands up too, following eli, hoping that the bright isak will make everything right between them. he's happy to see isak greeting him with a smile and he thinks that okay, this is going to work, except it doesn't, because eli is pulling isak away before alexander knows it.
he wants to say something, but the words get caught in his throat, because this isn't how it's supposed to be.
alexander feels a hand on his back and he hears an 'it's okay' being whispered into his ear. he's turned around by brian and steered away from the crowd.
---
it takes three more months before eli finally looks up and talks to him. they're at brian's birthday party and alexander might have had a little too much to drink, but he's sure eli just looked at him. he's speechless, but there's so many things he wants to say and do and -
he's watching at eli's retreating back now. still, eli looked at him. that's progress.
alexander tries to find eli, but brian's house is larger than he remembered and he gets lost somewhere between the second and third bathroom. he stumbles upon the balcony and suddenly eli's there.
not on the balcony, but outside, walking away from the house.
“eli,” alexander yells. “tomorrow is sunday!”
eli stops walking and turns around.
alexander waves, almost falling because of his excitement. “sunday!” he yells again.
“i'm busy,” eli yells back, then turns around and walks away.
“please come,” he yells desperately, slowly making his way back inside. he pretends he doesn't see eli stopping, he pretends that eli isn’t the reason why he has to force himself to keep walking.
---
“i can't believe you pushed me into the water,” alexander says. he locks eyes with kevin and they both giggle. alexander lets himself fall in the sand, laying back and closing his eyes.
kevin sits down beside him, muttering about having sand in places where it doesn't belong and alexander lets outs a deep sigh.
“i missed this,” he says softly. “every sunday i'd wake up, wondering if you guys would go to the beach.”
“we didn't, it's not right without you.”
alexander opens his eyes at the deep voice and he feels his heart beat faster.
“you came,” he says.
“you're back.”
eli gives them a small smile and alexander reaches out. he tugs at eli's hand until the younger boy falls down next to him. he pushes kevin until he's lying down too and alexander wishes someone could make a picture of them, because he kind of wants to remember them together like this.
they lose track of time, lying around in the sand, waiting for the sun to rise while eating breakfast, pushing each other around and playing silly games.
“last to arrive is a dumbhead,” alexander yells like old times, as he sprints to the water. he hears eli and kevin right behind him and he jumps into the water, splashing water around as he laughs brightly.
they end up tangled together, alexander doesn't know if that's his arm around eli, or if kevin's leg is in between his, but it's alright. there's lips pressing against his and he thinks that oh, we should've done this sooner and well, it makes sense.
when the lips disappear he pouts in disappointment, but then eli is grinning at him and kevin lets out a giggle and they move forward at the same time and -
it doesn't seem to fit inside his head, it doesn't seem to be possible, but it is. realizing he needs kevin and eli to fill up the empty spaces, to make new memories, alexander gives up trying to figure this thing out, because somehow this is what he was looking for and now everything is making sense again.
the sun is rising and he lets out a content sigh against kevin and eli’s lips, thinking that it wouldn't be so bad to stay like this forever.
alexander/kevin/eli ; pg ; 1885 words
no matter how much our lives have changed, i still think about you all the time.
» 30 days » day twenty-five » sunset.
at first, he feels a lot of pain. that slowly makes place for relief, only to be followed by more pain and sadness.
even though alexander tries to avoid them, he sees them everywhere (or maybe they're just inside his head). he misses his friends, he misses u-kiss and he spends most of his time pretending he doesn't care, that he doesn't need them anymore, that he can do this on his own. but it's really just pretending, because every day he wakes up with this dull ache in his chest, reminding him how much he needs them and that he can't do this on his own.
it takes a while before he finally realizes that it's never going to be the way it was, that he isn't going back to them, not as a part of them anyway. he tries to move on, trying to focus on himself and his family, making up for all the times he missed out.
and then that day comes where he makes the decision to go on alone, without them, because it's will always be his passion and just because they're away, doesn't mean his passion is gone too.
so he goes on, rambling about things no one understands except kevin, who somehow understands him no matter what he says. but kevin isn't there, only brian who gives him a weird look.
and when the director yells at him during rehearsals, saying something alexander doesn't understand, he looks around for eli, because he's the only that understands his desperate eye-rolls and meaningful glances. but eli isn't there either, so alexander just looks at himself in the mirror.
as he lies down on his bed that evening, he wonders if kevin and eli are preparing for the beach trip, planning a sleepover while trying not to raise the suspicion of their manager.
he closes his eyes and hears kevin's giggles as eli stutters out a lie in korean, both of them laughing out loud when their manager leaves. they plop down beside alexander on the bed, tossing and turning until they're comfortable and snuggled up.
---
after eight months he goes back. alexander thinks it's bittersweet and beautiful at the same time, because he isn't really coming back, he's just going back to seoul.
he goes to the playground to meet kevin the day after he arrives. more than anything he's worried - because after ten months, they're surely going to be awkward, after ten months the something between them must have changed.
that’s why he’s surprised by how easy it all feels. it feels perfect, like he has never left. kevin smiles brightly at him, closing the distance between them and pulling him into a tight hug.
“xander,” kevin whispers fondly, followed by a soft laugh.
when kevin finally lets him go, alexander looks at him, a big grin on his face. “let's eat.”
they find their favorite restaurant (it really feels like nothing has changed), ordering half the menu because 'it's been ages since i ate proper korean food' for the both of them.
“how have you been?” kevin asks, his mouth full with ramen, black bean sauce covering his lips.
alexander gulps and forces himself to look away. “fine,” he says. “busy with this and that, you know, the usual.”
kevin tilts his head. “but how have you been?”
looking up, they lock eyes.
“it's weird,” alexander says after a while. “it's weird because i see pictures and videos, there's people calling me u-kiss' xander, but i'm not anymore although i still want to be him. i feel empty, because i don't have six guys around me anymore, there's no one that makes fun of my korean and teases me because of it. and i feel...” he takes a deep breath. “...i feel jealous, because you replaced me so easily.”
kevin doesn't say anything.
“i'm sorry...i didn't want to bring this up today. we're supposed to be happy because i'm back,” alexander says.
“xander i -”
“don't apologize. being happy, remember?”
kevin gives him a sad smile, reaching out to hold alexander's hand. “alright then, happy it is,” he says. “how about: it's sunday?”
alexander looks at him blankly, pretending he doesn't know what kevin is talking about, even though his heart is beating that much faster.
they go to the beach after they've finished dinner and alexander feels a flood of memories entering his mind. he smiles, because it almost feels exactly like it was before, except he isn't there.
---
(
it's four o'clock in the morning when they arrive at the beach. it's completely deserted (“what did you expect at four in the morning?” “there could be people fishing!” “at four in the morning?” “night fishing!”) and alexander giggles as he takes off his shoes. “last to arrive is a dumbhead,” he yells childishly, running towards the water.
eli yells something inaudible and quickly runs after him, laughing loudly. they arrive at the water around the same time and alexander lets out a shriek, screaming something about 'the water is so freaking cold'.
alexander bucks down to splash water on eli nonetheless, eyes lingering on eli's chest as his shirt clings to his body. his thoughts drift off and before he knows it cold water is dripping down his back and he really wants to yell, but eli's booming laughter stops him.
they lock eyes and eli's laughter dies down a little, they're both panting from their run and something is going on, right?
kevin arrives then, clinging to alexander while whining about why they left him. alexander laughs and ruffles kevin's hair while eli pokes kevin's cheeks.
they splash around the water some more, but soon they realize it's too cold and early for this.
“let's warm up,” alexander suggests, giving eli a small shove as he heads back towards the beach. he looks back and sees eli hugging kevin while moving them out of the water at the same time.
they sit down in the sand, huddled together under one blanket. the sun is rising and alexander lets out a content sigh, thinking that it wouldn't be so bad to stay like this forever.
)
---
it takes four more days for alexander to finally bump into him. they're at this halloween party which he was forced to go to, brian whining about it until he said yes. he's sort of glad he did go, because eli is here, but at the same time eli is here and oh my god, what do i do?
“hey,” he says, slowly sitting down beside eli. “it's been a while, huh?”
alexander wonders if people are focusing on them, wondering what's going to happen between two ex-band members who haven't seen each other in a while, wondering if they're sensing this tension between them too. but that thought slips to the back of his mind when eli just stares intently at the glass in his hand, not responding to alexander's question at all.
alexander thinks that everything might be alright if only eli looked at him, because didn't they have this secret understanding just by looking each other in the eye?
but eli just gets up, his leg brushing against alexander's, walking over to isak without looking back.
he hears the whispers, and alexander feels his ears turning red in embarrassment. he stands up too, following eli, hoping that the bright isak will make everything right between them. he's happy to see isak greeting him with a smile and he thinks that okay, this is going to work, except it doesn't, because eli is pulling isak away before alexander knows it.
he wants to say something, but the words get caught in his throat, because this isn't how it's supposed to be.
alexander feels a hand on his back and he hears an 'it's okay' being whispered into his ear. he's turned around by brian and steered away from the crowd.
---
it takes three more months before eli finally looks up and talks to him. they're at brian's birthday party and alexander might have had a little too much to drink, but he's sure eli just looked at him. he's speechless, but there's so many things he wants to say and do and -
he's watching at eli's retreating back now. still, eli looked at him. that's progress.
alexander tries to find eli, but brian's house is larger than he remembered and he gets lost somewhere between the second and third bathroom. he stumbles upon the balcony and suddenly eli's there.
not on the balcony, but outside, walking away from the house.
“eli,” alexander yells. “tomorrow is sunday!”
eli stops walking and turns around.
alexander waves, almost falling because of his excitement. “sunday!” he yells again.
“i'm busy,” eli yells back, then turns around and walks away.
“please come,” he yells desperately, slowly making his way back inside. he pretends he doesn't see eli stopping, he pretends that eli isn’t the reason why he has to force himself to keep walking.
---
“i can't believe you pushed me into the water,” alexander says. he locks eyes with kevin and they both giggle. alexander lets himself fall in the sand, laying back and closing his eyes.
kevin sits down beside him, muttering about having sand in places where it doesn't belong and alexander lets outs a deep sigh.
“i missed this,” he says softly. “every sunday i'd wake up, wondering if you guys would go to the beach.”
“we didn't, it's not right without you.”
alexander opens his eyes at the deep voice and he feels his heart beat faster.
“you came,” he says.
“you're back.”
eli gives them a small smile and alexander reaches out. he tugs at eli's hand until the younger boy falls down next to him. he pushes kevin until he's lying down too and alexander wishes someone could make a picture of them, because he kind of wants to remember them together like this.
they lose track of time, lying around in the sand, waiting for the sun to rise while eating breakfast, pushing each other around and playing silly games.
“last to arrive is a dumbhead,” alexander yells like old times, as he sprints to the water. he hears eli and kevin right behind him and he jumps into the water, splashing water around as he laughs brightly.
they end up tangled together, alexander doesn't know if that's his arm around eli, or if kevin's leg is in between his, but it's alright. there's lips pressing against his and he thinks that oh, we should've done this sooner and well, it makes sense.
when the lips disappear he pouts in disappointment, but then eli is grinning at him and kevin lets out a giggle and they move forward at the same time and -
it doesn't seem to fit inside his head, it doesn't seem to be possible, but it is. realizing he needs kevin and eli to fill up the empty spaces, to make new memories, alexander gives up trying to figure this thing out, because somehow this is what he was looking for and now everything is making sense again.
the sun is rising and he lets out a content sigh against kevin and eli’s lips, thinking that it wouldn't be so bad to stay like this forever.