Sound of My Heart Breaking by kargrif, Dec 07, Angel/Xander
*blushes* Again with the Angel and Xander.
Title: Sound of My Heart Breaking
Author: kargrif
Summary: Written for Dec. 07 beginning at buffy_and_then Beginning found here. Could be a sequel to The Ride or read as a standalone. Angel’s leaving for LA.
Pairing(s)/Character(s): Xander & Angel
Season: Beginning of Season 4
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Angst
Word count: 964
Disclaimer: Joss owns all.
Beta'd by: spikeslovebite, ya'll don't know the crap you'd be reading without her. Srsly!
Xander stood quietly watching. He’d been watching for long minutes, unsure of what to say.
Back and forth. Back and forth. Dresser to suitcase. Repeat as necessary. Finally his mouth opened; he couldn’t take the silence any longer. But then he stalled. He still didn’t know the words to make this better, to take away the hurt.
He’d moved to the boxes now. Small, fragile items wrapped carefully in paper and plastic wrap slowly filled the box.
“So you’re really leaving.” Xander’s voice broke on the ‘really’ and he cleared his throat self-consciously.
Angel stopped in the center of the room, hands clenching and back straight and rigid. “I have to,” came his hoarse reply.
Xander turned away, shifting his feet nervously, fighting back his emotions. don’tcrydon’tcrydon’tcry “You don’t have to go,” he said with teary eyes. “Not because of me.”
Angel let his head fall and took a deep shuddering breath. “I-I think it’s for the best.”
“For who? You? Me? The gang? Who?”
“For everyone!” Angel cried out, turning just enough to see the boy from the corner of his eye, not trusting himself to fully look into the hurt, chocolate colored eyes. If he really looked at him, he knew he’d never have the strength to leave.
“You mean you! You can’t just up and run because…it’ll be okay, just don’t leave,” Xander pleaded.
“I have to, the Powers-”
“Fuck the Powers! You don’t have to do this.”
“Yes, I do, Xander. I can’t stay and-” Angel choked, his words lost in the tidal wave of emotion threatening to swallow him whole.
Xander took a step forward before faltering. “What?”
Fighting back the tears Angel replied, “I can’t stay and watch you everyday knowing I can’t…can’t touch you, can’t hold you, can’t…anything…ever.”
“Don’t. Don’t leave because of me, please. We can forget it ever happened, just go back to--”
“What? Pretending? Pretend that I didn’t tell you I loved you? That I didn’t kiss you? Pretend that it didn’t feel like I was dying all over again when you said you could never-” Angel broke off with a strangled sob, turning away from the stricken figure blocking the doorway.
“Please don’t go,” Xander whispered, knowing that Angel could hear him. “They…I need you. You’re my best friend. I don’t know how to make this right. What can I do?”
“Nothing. The Powers want me to go to LA. Buffy can handle things here and I’m not so far away that I can’t come back if you need me. I talked to Giles. He…doesn’t understand really, but he said that he respected my decision. He said that I would probably do a lot of good in LA, they need someone there.”
“We need you here,” Xander argued.
“Xander-”
“No, don’t even say it!”
Angel stood silently, deeply disturbed that his emotions were so far beyond his control. A century’s worth of stoicism and he couldn’t even manage to hold back his tears in front of one little boy…no, that was unfair. Xander was a man now. He had watched closely as the young, carefree boy of the past had grown up, becoming older and wiser. Through all the trials and heartaches, he’d stood by the teen as a friend and confidant, had helped guide and teach him everything he could to keep him alive, safe, and happy. The trust and closeness was gone now, thrown away in one careless moment, one moment of utter weakness.
“I’m sorry.” Angel lifted the box from the bed, stacking it with the others along the wall. He’d made arrangements for his things to be shipped to LA. A few of the more precious mementos were packed in the bag on the bed, along with his clothes and a few books.
“Don’t be sorry. I…I just want my friend back.”
Angel finally turned, taking in the tracks of tears and agony painted across the younger man’s face. He wanted so much to just say everything could go back to the way it was before, to keep watching from the sidelines, knowing what he could never have, what would forever be beyond his reach. Closing his eyes, he forced the words from his throat, “I need more.”
Xander face crumbled as he tried to find a way to stop what was happening. “J-just give me time. I-I might change my mind, maybe I-I’ll-”
“Xander.” Angel stopped him. His hand cupped the shaking teenagers cheek, thumb barely caressing the smooth curve of his face. He watched tenderly as the red-rimmed eyes closed, hiding the pain and hurt behind his impossibly long lashes. “I love you. I’ll always love you.”
Angel swallowed hard, his eyes still drinking in the sight of the teen in front of him, eyes closed and tears running freely now. Just one last… He bent his head, barely brushing the soft lips beneath his. Xander’s lips parted a little and Angel slipped his tongue in, wanting to taste his love just this once. ‘Just once. Just need a taste enough to last me…forever.’
The vampire pulled back and rested his head against his friends-the first friend he had in over a century or maybe ever-and tried to regain control. Releasing him, he turned away quickly and grabbed the bag from the bed. He spun back, heading for the door and the trembling body blocking his path.
Xander reached out, clutching at his arm.
Angel allowed himself to be stopped, reached out as well with his free hand and pulled Xander forward. He leaned in, kissing the younger man’s forehead. “Stay safe,” he whispered before he pushed him away and rushed out the door.
Xander collapsed as soon as Angel released him, sobbing loudly on the cold concrete floor.
Title: Sound of My Heart Breaking
Author: kargrif
Summary: Written for Dec. 07 beginning at buffy_and_then Beginning found here. Could be a sequel to The Ride or read as a standalone. Angel’s leaving for LA.
Pairing(s)/Character(s): Xander & Angel
Season: Beginning of Season 4
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Angst
Word count: 964
Disclaimer: Joss owns all.
Beta'd by: spikeslovebite, ya'll don't know the crap you'd be reading without her. Srsly!
Xander stood quietly watching. He’d been watching for long minutes, unsure of what to say.
Back and forth. Back and forth. Dresser to suitcase. Repeat as necessary. Finally his mouth opened; he couldn’t take the silence any longer. But then he stalled. He still didn’t know the words to make this better, to take away the hurt.
He’d moved to the boxes now. Small, fragile items wrapped carefully in paper and plastic wrap slowly filled the box.
“So you’re really leaving.” Xander’s voice broke on the ‘really’ and he cleared his throat self-consciously.
Angel stopped in the center of the room, hands clenching and back straight and rigid. “I have to,” came his hoarse reply.
Xander turned away, shifting his feet nervously, fighting back his emotions. don’tcrydon’tcrydon’tcry “You don’t have to go,” he said with teary eyes. “Not because of me.”
Angel let his head fall and took a deep shuddering breath. “I-I think it’s for the best.”
“For who? You? Me? The gang? Who?”
“For everyone!” Angel cried out, turning just enough to see the boy from the corner of his eye, not trusting himself to fully look into the hurt, chocolate colored eyes. If he really looked at him, he knew he’d never have the strength to leave.
“You mean you! You can’t just up and run because…it’ll be okay, just don’t leave,” Xander pleaded.
“I have to, the Powers-”
“Fuck the Powers! You don’t have to do this.”
“Yes, I do, Xander. I can’t stay and-” Angel choked, his words lost in the tidal wave of emotion threatening to swallow him whole.
Xander took a step forward before faltering. “What?”
Fighting back the tears Angel replied, “I can’t stay and watch you everyday knowing I can’t…can’t touch you, can’t hold you, can’t…anything…ever.”
“Don’t. Don’t leave because of me, please. We can forget it ever happened, just go back to--”
“What? Pretending? Pretend that I didn’t tell you I loved you? That I didn’t kiss you? Pretend that it didn’t feel like I was dying all over again when you said you could never-” Angel broke off with a strangled sob, turning away from the stricken figure blocking the doorway.
“Please don’t go,” Xander whispered, knowing that Angel could hear him. “They…I need you. You’re my best friend. I don’t know how to make this right. What can I do?”
“Nothing. The Powers want me to go to LA. Buffy can handle things here and I’m not so far away that I can’t come back if you need me. I talked to Giles. He…doesn’t understand really, but he said that he respected my decision. He said that I would probably do a lot of good in LA, they need someone there.”
“We need you here,” Xander argued.
“Xander-”
“No, don’t even say it!”
Angel stood silently, deeply disturbed that his emotions were so far beyond his control. A century’s worth of stoicism and he couldn’t even manage to hold back his tears in front of one little boy…no, that was unfair. Xander was a man now. He had watched closely as the young, carefree boy of the past had grown up, becoming older and wiser. Through all the trials and heartaches, he’d stood by the teen as a friend and confidant, had helped guide and teach him everything he could to keep him alive, safe, and happy. The trust and closeness was gone now, thrown away in one careless moment, one moment of utter weakness.
“I’m sorry.” Angel lifted the box from the bed, stacking it with the others along the wall. He’d made arrangements for his things to be shipped to LA. A few of the more precious mementos were packed in the bag on the bed, along with his clothes and a few books.
“Don’t be sorry. I…I just want my friend back.”
Angel finally turned, taking in the tracks of tears and agony painted across the younger man’s face. He wanted so much to just say everything could go back to the way it was before, to keep watching from the sidelines, knowing what he could never have, what would forever be beyond his reach. Closing his eyes, he forced the words from his throat, “I need more.”
Xander face crumbled as he tried to find a way to stop what was happening. “J-just give me time. I-I might change my mind, maybe I-I’ll-”
“Xander.” Angel stopped him. His hand cupped the shaking teenagers cheek, thumb barely caressing the smooth curve of his face. He watched tenderly as the red-rimmed eyes closed, hiding the pain and hurt behind his impossibly long lashes. “I love you. I’ll always love you.”
Angel swallowed hard, his eyes still drinking in the sight of the teen in front of him, eyes closed and tears running freely now. Just one last… He bent his head, barely brushing the soft lips beneath his. Xander’s lips parted a little and Angel slipped his tongue in, wanting to taste his love just this once. ‘Just once. Just need a taste enough to last me…forever.’
The vampire pulled back and rested his head against his friends-the first friend he had in over a century or maybe ever-and tried to regain control. Releasing him, he turned away quickly and grabbed the bag from the bed. He spun back, heading for the door and the trembling body blocking his path.
Xander reached out, clutching at his arm.
Angel allowed himself to be stopped, reached out as well with his free hand and pulled Xander forward. He leaned in, kissing the younger man’s forehead. “Stay safe,” he whispered before he pushed him away and rushed out the door.
Xander collapsed as soon as Angel released him, sobbing loudly on the cold concrete floor.