Sun on her Face, for shah_of_blah
Title: Sun on her Face (the New Caprica Remix)
author: lotus79
Summary: The New Caprican sun wasn’t worth the pain it brought.
Characters: Kara, Lee, some ensemble
Pairings: Kara/Lee, mentions of Lee/Dee and Kara/Sam
Rating: PG, to be safe.
Warnings: AU from Lay Down Your Burdens
Original Story: Horizon by shah_of_blah
Beta Thanks: misscam for slavedrivingencouragement on MSN and for looking it over for me. She’s the only reason this got done in time, I kid you not! Remaining idiosyncrasies are mine, because I can’t leave well enough alone.
Author Notes: I know I’m really naughty for remixing a story that’s already been remixed but this one just jumped out and strangled me with an idea. It painted such an idyllic picture of their future whilst the only “dating” reference it contained was the destruction of Cloud Nine at the end of season 2-a time that was pretty much the height of angst for this pair! I set about exploring how they might have got from point A to point B and the bloody story took over my life.
* * *
The first night on Earth, Carrie wakes up and cries because the sun is gone and she doesn’t understand why. She’s spent most of her six years on Galactica and though the lights were dimmed in quarters for sleep shifts, they never went out completely. Carrie always knew the lights outside the door stayed on because battlestars do not sleep.
Earth, however, does.
Lee never begrudges Carrie a thing; it’s as if he’s making up for lost time. He gives Kara a quick kiss and scoops his daughter up in a protective embrace, beginning to explain the concept of night and day as he carries her back to her room. He promises the sunlight will be back in just a few hours and he’ll stay with her until it returns.
Kara’s not needed for this crisis but she doesn’t feel like going back to sleep alone. Instead she finds herself looking out at the clear, star-filled sky; lost in thought. New Caprica’s sun isn’t visible from Earth, she knows, but she still feels it sometimes.
Every star is a sun, she thinks. Every star gives life.
* * *
“Kara Thrace loves Lee Adama!” she shouted and meant it. It felt surprisingly liberating to say it aloud. She giggled.
Lee’s laugh behind her was pure joy as he turned her around and kissed her. And then he wasn’t laughing anymore but staring into her eyes so intently she could see right through his pupils to the soul within.
And felt suddenly afraid.
His confession was so open and raw that she knew he meant every word. It scared her but she allowed him to draw her close and make love to her again.
When the sun touched her with its first rays, she woke in Lee’s arms and knew she had to get away.
* * *
Her hasty marriage to Sam had the desired effect, of course. Kara spent many nights trying to forget the look of revulsion in Lee’s eyes as he walked away from her. She shouldn’t regret it, but she did.
* * *
Kara had spent so long living in a spaceworthy tin can that she really appreciated the cool fresh air of New Caprica. It was hardly a paradise, but now that Cloud Nine was gone, it was the only place they could go to feel the warmth of a sun-and a real sun, at that.
Kara didn’t hold with artificial realities and she’d always preferred the reality of Galactica’s bulkheads to the pristine fiction of Cloud Nine’s horizons. New Caprica might be gritty, cold at night, difficult to farm and sometimes downright inhospitable, but it was real. Given some time to get used to it, Kara was sure it would become home.
* * *
The marriage lasted about six weeks. A week after Sam moved out of her tent, Duck and Nora shifted down to the surface, bringing the news of Lee’s own marriage to (now Lieutenant) Dualla.
Sam played pyramid to soothe his bruised ego. Kara slept alone and told herself she deserved it.
Expert Viper pilot she may have been; but her timing on the ground had always been lousy. Frak it, Dee would make a much better wife than her anyhow.
* * *
She didn’t tell Lee about the baby.
She rationalised it by reminding herself that he hated her now and certainly wouldn’t welcome the news. She vaguely recalled a conversation they might once have had about it but she couldn’t remember what he’d said.
Bright shiny futures were overrated anyway.
* * *
When Cottle told her she was carrying a little girl, Kara froze up a little. She realised suddenly she had no idea how to be a mother. She’d hardly had a good example to follow.
I will not be like her, she vowed. And she hoped, perhaps, that was enough.
Kara was philosophical about it to begin with; her baby might grow up without a father (and Kara thought maybe she wouldn’t have missed her own if she’d never known him to begin with. Maybe he should’ve skipped out on them earlier) but at least she’d have the wind in her hair and the sunshine on her face.
And she would have a mother to love her beyond reason.
* * *
It surprised Kara that she didn’t miss flying more.
She found an unexpected friend in Cally who, if she had any opinions on the mysterious origins of Kara’s pregnancy, kept them to herself.
Cally, of course, had Galen to go home to at night to rub her back when it was sore and keep her warm at night. Maybe she felt bad that Kara seemed to have no-one (Kara told herself she needed no-one, but she didn’t always believe it) or maybe she had reasons of her own (shared experience? A little residual hero worship?) but Kara eventually realised she was glad of the company.
They’d had little in common before-Kara flew the birds; Cally kept them flying-but now they compared notes on things like backaches and stretch marks and due dates.
Cally was having a boy, and when she and Tyrol announced they’d decided to call him Nicholas, Kara realised she hadn’t given any thought to names. She said as much, and Cally reassured her, “You have plenty of time. Maybe something will come to you when you see her.”
* * *
She was born a few weeks early, but she was healthy and had a good set of lungs. When Cottle handed her the swaddled bundle, Kara cuddled her daughter close and looked into her eyes for the first time. The baby was quiet now, staring at the world about her with newborn wonder. So trusting, she is, Kara thought. I guess she doesn’t have much choice, being so helpless.
For the first time, she really regretted the choices that had gotten them here. Lee was up there in his deserted battlestar with his probably-devoted wife, having not the slightest knowledge of this tiny being he’d helped create. Marrying Dee had been his choice but she’d made hers first.
Cally dropped in to visit with two week old Nicky and found them still trying to decide what to make of one another. “Humbling isn’t it?” she smiled. “The way they trust you so easily.”
* * *
Due to the outbreak of pneumonia, Cottle had decided it was far safer for mothers and babies to leave the sickbay tent as soon as possible rather than risk catching the virus. Therefore, two days after the birth, Kara shouldered her new daughter and walked out on her own recognisance.
She saw Saul and Ellen Tigh making their way along the main street, taking in the sights, and called out to them. “Colonel!” It surprised her how much she’d missed the old bastard.
He seemed just as pleased to see her. “Look at you!” he chuckled and pulled her into a hug.
“I’m so glad you guys are here,” she found herself saying as she returned Ellen’s embrace with her free arm.
The colonel took in the bundle she carried. “I didn’t realise you and that new husband of yours had got started on a family already,” he remarked, eyebrow raised.
“Just me, actually,” she admitted. “Sam’s not her father.”
Tigh gave her a searching look. “Does Apollo know?” he asked.
Damn the man. She’d forgotten he could be perceptive. The smile on her face became a little forced, and she shook her head. “Didn’t think he’d care to, really,” she replied with false bravado.
“You might be surprised,” he said evenly. “Apparently Dualla filed for divorce about a month back.”
At least I was nowhere near that train wreck, Kara thought.
Ellen, meanwhile, was making eyes at the baby. “She’s beautiful, Kara. What’s her name?”
“I don’t know yet,” Kara explained. “I wanted to get to know her a little more first.”
“May I hold her a moment?” Ellen asked.
Kara fought to keep her calm. Tigh’s news had her feeling as if she’d been suddenly turned upside down. “Sure,” she replied, and carefully handed her daughter over.
“Hi, little one,” Ellen cooed. “How do you like the outside world?” She looked back at Kara who had her hands in her pockets nervously. “Saul and I wanted children of our own, but we weren’t able,” she explained.
“Maybe you should make a call, Starbuck,” Tigh suggested gently, seeming to sense where her thoughts were.
Kara nodded half absently. “Can you... Can you watch her for just a few minutes?”
* * *
Kara almost lost her nerve when Dee’s smooth voice answered the comm, but she managed to ask for Lee. The wait for him to answer his page seemed interminable and his voice, when it came, was not welcoming. “What do you want?”
His anger hurt, even though she knew she deserved it. “Is this a private line?” she asked. Divorced or no, she really didn’t want Dee listening in.
“Yeah,” he answered shortly.
Kara ran through several scenarios in her head but couldn’t think of a way to explain everything over the comm that wouldn’t have him hanging up on her before she was half done. “Lee, we need to talk,” she finally managed. “Can you come down here?”
“No, I don’t think so,” he told her coldly and she flinched even though she’d expected such a reply.
“Please,” she added quietly. “It’s important.”
He didn’t say anything for a long moment and she thought maybe he was considering it. But he hadn’t even heard her. “Wait, one...” His voice trailed off absently as if something more important had claimed his attention.
A few seconds later, the line went dead.
* * *
Somewhere in the space of that conversation that wasn’t, Kara decided the baby’s name was Caroline. Lee and Zak’s mother had always been kind to her and Kara thought she would appreciate the tribute. “Carrie” would do for everyday use.
She’d just reclaimed Carrie from Ellen’s tender mercies when the Cylon raiders appeared overhead and everything went straight to hell.
With most of the civilian ships grounded (not that they’d be any use in a fight anyhow; most weren’t even armed) and only skeleton crews aboard, Kara knew that Pegasus and Galactica couldn’t hope to stand up to a force this size. They’d either jumped away or been destroyed. She hoped it was the former, and not just because it was the better tactical move. She wanted Lee safe, and the Old Man too.
Galen and Cally appeared by her side with baby Nicky, their faces mirroring the apprehension on her own. In fact, it seemed the entire population of New Caprica was frozen in place as centurions began marching in formation down the main street towards Colonial One.
“What do you wanna do now, Captain?” Galen asked. Both babies began to fuss, frightened by the noise or perhaps picking up on their parents’ fear.
Kara heaved Carrie to her shoulder, and whispered soothing nothings into her daughter’s ear. “Same thing we always do,” she replied. “Fight ‘em until we can’t.”
* * *
Confirmation of everyone’s worst fears came soon in the form of an announcement: Pegasus, Galactica and the fleet ships that had remained in orbit had jumped away when the Cylons arrived. President Baltar had surrendered immediately to the Cylon occupying force.
Kara was sure it had been Lee’s idea to leave. The admiral was like her - his instinct was to stay and fight until he couldn’t fight anymore. Lee might be the sentimental one, but he could make the hard decisions when he had to. She thought maybe he’d learned that from Laura Roslin.
It was probably a good thing she never got to tell him precisely what he would be leaving behind.
* * *
The resistance was tentatively formed a few days later when Saul, Kara and Tyrol met in the Tighs’ tent to try to decide what to do. Cally stayed home with Nicky, while Kara carried her daughter in a homemade sling. Carrie slept, oblivious.
When Sam dropped by to warn them that Leoben was hunting for Kara, his former wife pointed out that he had run the resistance on old Caprica for almost a year and so he was recruited too.
Kara couldn’t return to her own tent so it was decided that she and Carrie would stay with the Tighs. There was a trapdoor in the floor of their tent leading to an underground shelter where they could go in case they needed to disappear for a while. The shelter would double as a meeting place for the resistance.
So much for Carrie feeling the sun on her face, Kara thought.
* * *
If it weren’t for Carrie, Kara would have been right out there with Tyrol and Sam, planting bombs and creating carnage for the toasters. Instead she helped them plan the ops and kept her own head down.
She spent most of her time in the Tighs’ tent, only venturing out for a few minutes with Carrie in the evenings when there were fewer skinjobs around.
After they captured the colonel, she stopped doing even that. It was dark in the shelter but there Carrie was safe. Safety was more important than sunlight, at least for now, and so Kara got used to the darkness.
* * *
The loss of her husband hardened Ellen. Kara wished she could do more to help get him out but she was a virtual prisoner herself.
Ellen began disappearing in the evenings and smelling of sex when she returned.
Kara said nothing; if Ellen dealt with her grief and worry by finding comfort in the arms of another... well, she hardly had the moral high ground herself.
* * *
When Tigh returned, minus one eye, Ellen seemed all smiles again.
Saul, on the other hand, was another story.
The Cylon prison had changed him. He no longer worried about collateral damage or civilian casualties. He wanted blood.
It was decided to send a suicide bomber to the graduation of the first group of ‘New Caprica Police’. Duck volunteered, claiming he had nothing to live for after the toasters had killed his wife in a raid.
Kara wanted to talk him out of it; she’d fought and flown beside him many times, on CAPs and in firefights. Duck was a good stick and she wouldn’t hesitate to trust him on her wing. However, he was set in his course so instead she shook his hand and wished him good hunting. He smiled sadly, kissed the baby, and handed her a picture of himself and Nora for Galactica’s memorial wall.
She kept the picture close and fancied Duck and Nora were watching over them.
* * *
Once contact was made with Galactica the resistance escalated its operations.
So did the Cylons.
Resistance meeting over, Kara had just settled Carrie down to sleep when Tyrol returned. He was frantic and so was Nicky. “They’ve taken Cally,” Galen explained over his son’s increasingly desperate cries. “No explanation, they just took her and left him there on his own.”
“Frakking toasters,” Tigh muttered.
Nicky’s cries became more desperate despite his father’s attempts to calm him. “He’s hungry,” Galen explained. “I don’t have any... Starbuck, could you-? ”
“It’s okay, Chief. Give him to me.” Kara carefully relieved Tyrol of his burden and turned her back to get him settled. The baby quieted as soon as he latched on.
The next morning, they discovered that Cally was not the only one taken. The New Caprica Police had executed a raid in the dead of night, making arrests without explanation. A few hours later, Tyrol’s anonymous informant furnished them with a list of names with Gauis Baltar’s signature at the bottom. Over two hundred people were listed, including Cally. They were scheduled to be executed.
* * *
It was Kara’s plan.
A series of explosions around the city, timed perfectly, would make the Cylons think they were under attack from the air. Then the evac sirens would sound and the citizens would take shelter inside the grounded ships which, thanks to Sharon Agathon, now had the launch keys in place.
Kara wanted to join in the assault, hungry for a little Cylon blood, but she was overruled. Sam pointed out that if Tyrol’s rescue of Cally was unsuccessful, both babies would need her. She was simply too valuable to risk.
She thought back to Caprica (and that frakking Cylon who had told her she was more valuable as a potential mother than as a soldier) and shivered. Then she looked at Carrie and couldn’t find it in her to protest. Still, she allowed herself a bitter chuckle because who would have ever thought Kara Thrace would willingly stay behind to “watch the children”?
When it came time to put the plan in motion, Kara took both babies and boarded one of the grounded raptors, passing the night before the exodus going quietly stir crazy.
* * *
The makeshift refugee camp on Galactica’s hangar deck became known as Camp Oil Slick. Kara and Carrie claimed a bed in the corner. Cally and Nicky sat with her while Tyrol went to see the admiral about re-enlisting and getting his family a billet.
“Are you going to fly again?” Cally asked.
Kara shook her head. “I don’t know. Kinda hard to get a good babysitter on a battlestar, you know?”
Not to mention the fact that Lee was CAG again. Once he heard what she had to tell him, her future as a pilot on Galactica seemed doubtful at best. She decided she would wait a few days and get settled before going to find Lee.
* * *
In the end, Lee found her.
“I thought you would have come asking for your wings back by now, Kara.”
She turned in surprise. Her gaze automatically darted to the cot where Carrie was sleeping (mostly obscured by the blankets) and confirmed the baby was out of his line of sight. “I had some things to sort out first,” she admitted. “I didn’t expect you to come looking for me,” she noted, eyebrow raised.
“I came down here to make inventory of the place. Imagine my surprise at seeing Starbuck camped out in the corner.” He raised an eyebrow. “In the corner, Kara? Doesn’t seem like you. I would have expected to find you in the centre of things, demanding all the attention as usual.”
“People change, Lee,” she said.
“In fact, I’d almost say you were hiding,” Lee continued. “Where’s your husband, anyway?”
She shrugged. “He hasn’t been my husband in more than a year now. Turns out I don’t make a very good wife, not that it should surprise you.”
“No, I guess not,” he agreed, with the hint of a sneer.
I deserved that, she thought. She bit back a retort on the state of his own marriage, knowing that antagonising him wasn’t in her best interests or Carrie’s. Aware that the baby could wake at any moment, she said instead, “Lee, we really need to talk but here’s not a great place. Can I meet you somewhere later?”
He regarded her for a long moment. “CAG’s office,” he finally said. “1800. You can ask for your wings back then, too.”
* * *
Lee leaned back against his desk, arms folded and unsmiling. “OK, Kara,” he said. “Talk. Tell me why you did it; ask my forgiveness, whatever it is you wanted to say. I’ll hear you out.” And then throw you out, was the unspoken implication.
Kara took a deep breath. That night beneath the stars, Lee had laid himself bare for her and she’d responded by running off to marry another man the very next day. She’d always known how to wound but she’d done the job a little too well this time.
The only way to fix this was to lay all her cards on the table and even the score.
To start with, she explained her fears and why she’d run from him. She told him she was sorry and that she still loved him. That marrying Sam was a mistake she’d wished she could take back the moment after she’d made it.
And she told him about Carrie.
By the time she was done, his face was ashen, and hers was tearstained.
“Where is she?” he asked.
“I left her with a friend,” Kara explained. “She’s safe.”
“Go get her,” he ordered. “I want to see her.”
* * *
When she returned with the baby, Kara found Lee sitting behind his desk, raking his hands through his hair. At the sound of the hatch he stood and walked over to them but stopped a few feet away as if afraid to move closer.
Kara took a deep breath and turned Carrie to face her father. “This is your daddy,” she told her daughter softly. And before Lee could say a word, she placed the baby in his arms and took a step backwards, tucking her hands nervously in her pockets.
Carrie was a friendly baby and she smiled at everyone but the smile she gave Lee seemed extra bright. Lee was enchanted, cuddling her close and cooing at her for several minutes. Carrie giggled at the faces he made for her and seemed equally charmed-so much so that Kara began to feel a little left out.
When Lee finally looked at her again, he seemed calmer but there was still a definite chill in the air between them. “You’re not keeping her down in that refugee camp,” he declared.
It would have got Kara’s back up if she wasn’t being so careful to bite her tongue. She fought the urge to argue and merely raised an eyebrow as if to enquire what he was going to do about it.
“You can both stay in my quarters for a few days,” he offered. “And we’ll see about getting you a billet of your own. I’ll work out the schedule so you can leave her with me when you’re flying CAP.”
It was far more reasonable than she’d expected. “I’ll go get our things.” She reached out to take Carrie back again.
Lee visibly tightened his hold and Kara let her hands fall back to her side.
Kara tamped down her anxiety at letting Carrie out of her sight. Lee would never hurt her, and Kara owed him this, at least. “Will you be okay with her for half an hour?”
His answering nod was decidedly chilly.
Kara leaned in and gave Carrie a kiss on the forehead. “Mama has to go for a little while, okay?”
Carrie’s answering babble followed her out of the door.
* * *
Lee took the couch and let Kara and the baby have the bed. When Carrie’s fussing woke her the next morning, Kara was surprised to find Lee was already awake and watching them. “I thought maybe I dreamed it all,” he said, by way of explanation.
He seemed much calmer in the light of day so she chanced a small smile. “You didn’t,” she assured him. “She’s real, Lee.”
Carrie squirmed, unhappy that her breakfast didn’t seem to be forthcoming and Lee picked up on her distress. “What does she need?” he asked.
Kara laughed. “Breakfast,” she said wryly.
“Oh.” His gaze drifted momentarily to her breasts (seemed he had noticed) and he flushed. “Do you need anything?” he asked politely.
“Well, you could pass me an extra pillow,” she suggested. He did so, and she levered herself into a sitting position, arranged the pillow in her lap and pulled up her shirt so that Carrie could latch on.
He seemed to realise he was staring then, and looked away, slightly abashed. “I’d better go get some breakfast from the mess. You want anything?”
“Whatever slop they’re serving up today will do fine. Thanks.”
“Right. Back in ten,” he said and headed for the hatch.
On impulse, she called him back. “Lee?”
“Yeah?”
“Do you think you’ll ever be able to forgive me?”
He sighed heavily. “I don’t know,” he replied. “This is big, Kara.”
“I know,” she admitted. “I’m sorry.”
He nodded and then looked at the floor for a moment before heading off to get breakfast.
* * *
A few days turned into a few weeks and Lee still hadn’t kicked her out of his quarters. Kara pretended not to notice when he simply moved in a camp bed to sleep on and continued to yield his own bed to her and Carrie.
Kara was on her best behaviour and so was Lee. They didn’t argue or raise their voices. They were polite to a fault and each tried to be extra thoughtful to the other. By unspoken agreement, they shared custody of the baby. Carrie was healthy and happy and that was all that mattered, even if the relationship between her parents was strained.
The solicitude, in fact, was stifling. Kara had never been strong on patience and she wasn’t sure how much longer she could stand it.
* * *
One afternoon Kara returned from her CAP to find Carrie propped up in Lee’s lap. He was sitting at the table working on the schedules, left hand hooked around the baby’s waist to hold her steady. Carrie was busily gnawing on one of his knuckles, though Lee didn’t appear to be paying attention to it.
“I hope you washed your hands,” Kara commented with a smirk.
He surprised her by looking up and smiling in return. “I think she’s teething,” he told her. “She’s been happily gumming my hand for about half an hour now.”
* * *
The Cylons inevitably caught up to them again, and Kara inevitably pulled a retina-detaching move to take out two of them at once. She might perhaps have overdone it but it sure felt good to be shooting down toasters again.
When she landed, she was shocked to find Lee waiting for her in the hangar bay, looking murderous. “What the frak was that, Kara?” he demanded.
Kara blinked in surprise. “That was me doing my frakking job, Lee. Where’s Carrie?”
“She’s with Dad,” he replied. “And don’t change the subject. It looked to me more like you were trying to get yourself killed.”
She snorted. “I thought almost getting killed was my job.”
He shook his head. “No Kara. Your job is to come home safe to your family. We need you.”
“We?” she asked carefully.
He looked away for a moment then seemed to make a decision. “Frak, Kara, yes we. You think I stopped loving you just because you keep hurting me?”
He handed her a post-flight checklist and stalked off.
* * *
“You know, sometimes I wish we still had Cloud Nine,” Lee commented. They had brought Carrie up to the observation deck to look at the stars. Lee bounced his daughter in his arms and laughed softly. “Do you remember when we were working security at that first quorum meeting? And you chased me with that frakking sprinkler?”
“Yeah,” Kara smiled sadly. “Those were good times, I guess.”
“I hope we find somewhere to settle soon,” he continued. “I want her to know what it’s like to stretch out on the grass with the sun shining down on her.”
Kara shrugged. “Sunlight’s overrated. I wanted the sun for her once; only we spent most of our time hiding from the Cylons in a cellar. Now I’m just happy with what we have.”
“Maybe you’re right,” Lee agreed. “But I still think it’s important to have hope.” He turned his attention to the squirming child in his arms. “Look Carrie, all those lights you can see? Each one of them is a sun. And one of those suns is just for you.”
* * *
When Kara taught her daughter to pray to the gods, Carrie chose Apollo for her idol. He’s always been the only sun she needed.
Carrie has seen the sun before; and the moon and the stars. It might have made the transition to Earth easier if she could remember it but Kara’s glad she doesn’t. The New Caprican sun wasn’t worth the pain it brought.
When she goes to check on them, she finds Carrie has dropped off to sleep again in her father’s arms. As she enters the room, Lee puts a finger to his lips and smiles.
Kara joins her family and they wait for the dawn together.
* * *
author: lotus79
Summary: The New Caprican sun wasn’t worth the pain it brought.
Characters: Kara, Lee, some ensemble
Pairings: Kara/Lee, mentions of Lee/Dee and Kara/Sam
Rating: PG, to be safe.
Warnings: AU from Lay Down Your Burdens
Original Story: Horizon by shah_of_blah
Beta Thanks: misscam for slavedrivingencouragement on MSN and for looking it over for me. She’s the only reason this got done in time, I kid you not! Remaining idiosyncrasies are mine, because I can’t leave well enough alone.
Author Notes: I know I’m really naughty for remixing a story that’s already been remixed but this one just jumped out and strangled me with an idea. It painted such an idyllic picture of their future whilst the only “dating” reference it contained was the destruction of Cloud Nine at the end of season 2-a time that was pretty much the height of angst for this pair! I set about exploring how they might have got from point A to point B and the bloody story took over my life.
* * *
The first night on Earth, Carrie wakes up and cries because the sun is gone and she doesn’t understand why. She’s spent most of her six years on Galactica and though the lights were dimmed in quarters for sleep shifts, they never went out completely. Carrie always knew the lights outside the door stayed on because battlestars do not sleep.
Earth, however, does.
Lee never begrudges Carrie a thing; it’s as if he’s making up for lost time. He gives Kara a quick kiss and scoops his daughter up in a protective embrace, beginning to explain the concept of night and day as he carries her back to her room. He promises the sunlight will be back in just a few hours and he’ll stay with her until it returns.
Kara’s not needed for this crisis but she doesn’t feel like going back to sleep alone. Instead she finds herself looking out at the clear, star-filled sky; lost in thought. New Caprica’s sun isn’t visible from Earth, she knows, but she still feels it sometimes.
Every star is a sun, she thinks. Every star gives life.
* * *
“Kara Thrace loves Lee Adama!” she shouted and meant it. It felt surprisingly liberating to say it aloud. She giggled.
Lee’s laugh behind her was pure joy as he turned her around and kissed her. And then he wasn’t laughing anymore but staring into her eyes so intently she could see right through his pupils to the soul within.
And felt suddenly afraid.
His confession was so open and raw that she knew he meant every word. It scared her but she allowed him to draw her close and make love to her again.
When the sun touched her with its first rays, she woke in Lee’s arms and knew she had to get away.
* * *
Her hasty marriage to Sam had the desired effect, of course. Kara spent many nights trying to forget the look of revulsion in Lee’s eyes as he walked away from her. She shouldn’t regret it, but she did.
* * *
Kara had spent so long living in a spaceworthy tin can that she really appreciated the cool fresh air of New Caprica. It was hardly a paradise, but now that Cloud Nine was gone, it was the only place they could go to feel the warmth of a sun-and a real sun, at that.
Kara didn’t hold with artificial realities and she’d always preferred the reality of Galactica’s bulkheads to the pristine fiction of Cloud Nine’s horizons. New Caprica might be gritty, cold at night, difficult to farm and sometimes downright inhospitable, but it was real. Given some time to get used to it, Kara was sure it would become home.
* * *
The marriage lasted about six weeks. A week after Sam moved out of her tent, Duck and Nora shifted down to the surface, bringing the news of Lee’s own marriage to (now Lieutenant) Dualla.
Sam played pyramid to soothe his bruised ego. Kara slept alone and told herself she deserved it.
Expert Viper pilot she may have been; but her timing on the ground had always been lousy. Frak it, Dee would make a much better wife than her anyhow.
* * *
She didn’t tell Lee about the baby.
She rationalised it by reminding herself that he hated her now and certainly wouldn’t welcome the news. She vaguely recalled a conversation they might once have had about it but she couldn’t remember what he’d said.
Bright shiny futures were overrated anyway.
* * *
When Cottle told her she was carrying a little girl, Kara froze up a little. She realised suddenly she had no idea how to be a mother. She’d hardly had a good example to follow.
I will not be like her, she vowed. And she hoped, perhaps, that was enough.
Kara was philosophical about it to begin with; her baby might grow up without a father (and Kara thought maybe she wouldn’t have missed her own if she’d never known him to begin with. Maybe he should’ve skipped out on them earlier) but at least she’d have the wind in her hair and the sunshine on her face.
And she would have a mother to love her beyond reason.
* * *
It surprised Kara that she didn’t miss flying more.
She found an unexpected friend in Cally who, if she had any opinions on the mysterious origins of Kara’s pregnancy, kept them to herself.
Cally, of course, had Galen to go home to at night to rub her back when it was sore and keep her warm at night. Maybe she felt bad that Kara seemed to have no-one (Kara told herself she needed no-one, but she didn’t always believe it) or maybe she had reasons of her own (shared experience? A little residual hero worship?) but Kara eventually realised she was glad of the company.
They’d had little in common before-Kara flew the birds; Cally kept them flying-but now they compared notes on things like backaches and stretch marks and due dates.
Cally was having a boy, and when she and Tyrol announced they’d decided to call him Nicholas, Kara realised she hadn’t given any thought to names. She said as much, and Cally reassured her, “You have plenty of time. Maybe something will come to you when you see her.”
* * *
She was born a few weeks early, but she was healthy and had a good set of lungs. When Cottle handed her the swaddled bundle, Kara cuddled her daughter close and looked into her eyes for the first time. The baby was quiet now, staring at the world about her with newborn wonder. So trusting, she is, Kara thought. I guess she doesn’t have much choice, being so helpless.
For the first time, she really regretted the choices that had gotten them here. Lee was up there in his deserted battlestar with his probably-devoted wife, having not the slightest knowledge of this tiny being he’d helped create. Marrying Dee had been his choice but she’d made hers first.
Cally dropped in to visit with two week old Nicky and found them still trying to decide what to make of one another. “Humbling isn’t it?” she smiled. “The way they trust you so easily.”
* * *
Due to the outbreak of pneumonia, Cottle had decided it was far safer for mothers and babies to leave the sickbay tent as soon as possible rather than risk catching the virus. Therefore, two days after the birth, Kara shouldered her new daughter and walked out on her own recognisance.
She saw Saul and Ellen Tigh making their way along the main street, taking in the sights, and called out to them. “Colonel!” It surprised her how much she’d missed the old bastard.
He seemed just as pleased to see her. “Look at you!” he chuckled and pulled her into a hug.
“I’m so glad you guys are here,” she found herself saying as she returned Ellen’s embrace with her free arm.
The colonel took in the bundle she carried. “I didn’t realise you and that new husband of yours had got started on a family already,” he remarked, eyebrow raised.
“Just me, actually,” she admitted. “Sam’s not her father.”
Tigh gave her a searching look. “Does Apollo know?” he asked.
Damn the man. She’d forgotten he could be perceptive. The smile on her face became a little forced, and she shook her head. “Didn’t think he’d care to, really,” she replied with false bravado.
“You might be surprised,” he said evenly. “Apparently Dualla filed for divorce about a month back.”
At least I was nowhere near that train wreck, Kara thought.
Ellen, meanwhile, was making eyes at the baby. “She’s beautiful, Kara. What’s her name?”
“I don’t know yet,” Kara explained. “I wanted to get to know her a little more first.”
“May I hold her a moment?” Ellen asked.
Kara fought to keep her calm. Tigh’s news had her feeling as if she’d been suddenly turned upside down. “Sure,” she replied, and carefully handed her daughter over.
“Hi, little one,” Ellen cooed. “How do you like the outside world?” She looked back at Kara who had her hands in her pockets nervously. “Saul and I wanted children of our own, but we weren’t able,” she explained.
“Maybe you should make a call, Starbuck,” Tigh suggested gently, seeming to sense where her thoughts were.
Kara nodded half absently. “Can you... Can you watch her for just a few minutes?”
* * *
Kara almost lost her nerve when Dee’s smooth voice answered the comm, but she managed to ask for Lee. The wait for him to answer his page seemed interminable and his voice, when it came, was not welcoming. “What do you want?”
His anger hurt, even though she knew she deserved it. “Is this a private line?” she asked. Divorced or no, she really didn’t want Dee listening in.
“Yeah,” he answered shortly.
Kara ran through several scenarios in her head but couldn’t think of a way to explain everything over the comm that wouldn’t have him hanging up on her before she was half done. “Lee, we need to talk,” she finally managed. “Can you come down here?”
“No, I don’t think so,” he told her coldly and she flinched even though she’d expected such a reply.
“Please,” she added quietly. “It’s important.”
He didn’t say anything for a long moment and she thought maybe he was considering it. But he hadn’t even heard her. “Wait, one...” His voice trailed off absently as if something more important had claimed his attention.
A few seconds later, the line went dead.
* * *
Somewhere in the space of that conversation that wasn’t, Kara decided the baby’s name was Caroline. Lee and Zak’s mother had always been kind to her and Kara thought she would appreciate the tribute. “Carrie” would do for everyday use.
She’d just reclaimed Carrie from Ellen’s tender mercies when the Cylon raiders appeared overhead and everything went straight to hell.
With most of the civilian ships grounded (not that they’d be any use in a fight anyhow; most weren’t even armed) and only skeleton crews aboard, Kara knew that Pegasus and Galactica couldn’t hope to stand up to a force this size. They’d either jumped away or been destroyed. She hoped it was the former, and not just because it was the better tactical move. She wanted Lee safe, and the Old Man too.
Galen and Cally appeared by her side with baby Nicky, their faces mirroring the apprehension on her own. In fact, it seemed the entire population of New Caprica was frozen in place as centurions began marching in formation down the main street towards Colonial One.
“What do you wanna do now, Captain?” Galen asked. Both babies began to fuss, frightened by the noise or perhaps picking up on their parents’ fear.
Kara heaved Carrie to her shoulder, and whispered soothing nothings into her daughter’s ear. “Same thing we always do,” she replied. “Fight ‘em until we can’t.”
* * *
Confirmation of everyone’s worst fears came soon in the form of an announcement: Pegasus, Galactica and the fleet ships that had remained in orbit had jumped away when the Cylons arrived. President Baltar had surrendered immediately to the Cylon occupying force.
Kara was sure it had been Lee’s idea to leave. The admiral was like her - his instinct was to stay and fight until he couldn’t fight anymore. Lee might be the sentimental one, but he could make the hard decisions when he had to. She thought maybe he’d learned that from Laura Roslin.
It was probably a good thing she never got to tell him precisely what he would be leaving behind.
* * *
The resistance was tentatively formed a few days later when Saul, Kara and Tyrol met in the Tighs’ tent to try to decide what to do. Cally stayed home with Nicky, while Kara carried her daughter in a homemade sling. Carrie slept, oblivious.
When Sam dropped by to warn them that Leoben was hunting for Kara, his former wife pointed out that he had run the resistance on old Caprica for almost a year and so he was recruited too.
Kara couldn’t return to her own tent so it was decided that she and Carrie would stay with the Tighs. There was a trapdoor in the floor of their tent leading to an underground shelter where they could go in case they needed to disappear for a while. The shelter would double as a meeting place for the resistance.
So much for Carrie feeling the sun on her face, Kara thought.
* * *
If it weren’t for Carrie, Kara would have been right out there with Tyrol and Sam, planting bombs and creating carnage for the toasters. Instead she helped them plan the ops and kept her own head down.
She spent most of her time in the Tighs’ tent, only venturing out for a few minutes with Carrie in the evenings when there were fewer skinjobs around.
After they captured the colonel, she stopped doing even that. It was dark in the shelter but there Carrie was safe. Safety was more important than sunlight, at least for now, and so Kara got used to the darkness.
* * *
The loss of her husband hardened Ellen. Kara wished she could do more to help get him out but she was a virtual prisoner herself.
Ellen began disappearing in the evenings and smelling of sex when she returned.
Kara said nothing; if Ellen dealt with her grief and worry by finding comfort in the arms of another... well, she hardly had the moral high ground herself.
* * *
When Tigh returned, minus one eye, Ellen seemed all smiles again.
Saul, on the other hand, was another story.
The Cylon prison had changed him. He no longer worried about collateral damage or civilian casualties. He wanted blood.
It was decided to send a suicide bomber to the graduation of the first group of ‘New Caprica Police’. Duck volunteered, claiming he had nothing to live for after the toasters had killed his wife in a raid.
Kara wanted to talk him out of it; she’d fought and flown beside him many times, on CAPs and in firefights. Duck was a good stick and she wouldn’t hesitate to trust him on her wing. However, he was set in his course so instead she shook his hand and wished him good hunting. He smiled sadly, kissed the baby, and handed her a picture of himself and Nora for Galactica’s memorial wall.
She kept the picture close and fancied Duck and Nora were watching over them.
* * *
Once contact was made with Galactica the resistance escalated its operations.
So did the Cylons.
Resistance meeting over, Kara had just settled Carrie down to sleep when Tyrol returned. He was frantic and so was Nicky. “They’ve taken Cally,” Galen explained over his son’s increasingly desperate cries. “No explanation, they just took her and left him there on his own.”
“Frakking toasters,” Tigh muttered.
Nicky’s cries became more desperate despite his father’s attempts to calm him. “He’s hungry,” Galen explained. “I don’t have any... Starbuck, could you-? ”
“It’s okay, Chief. Give him to me.” Kara carefully relieved Tyrol of his burden and turned her back to get him settled. The baby quieted as soon as he latched on.
The next morning, they discovered that Cally was not the only one taken. The New Caprica Police had executed a raid in the dead of night, making arrests without explanation. A few hours later, Tyrol’s anonymous informant furnished them with a list of names with Gauis Baltar’s signature at the bottom. Over two hundred people were listed, including Cally. They were scheduled to be executed.
* * *
It was Kara’s plan.
A series of explosions around the city, timed perfectly, would make the Cylons think they were under attack from the air. Then the evac sirens would sound and the citizens would take shelter inside the grounded ships which, thanks to Sharon Agathon, now had the launch keys in place.
Kara wanted to join in the assault, hungry for a little Cylon blood, but she was overruled. Sam pointed out that if Tyrol’s rescue of Cally was unsuccessful, both babies would need her. She was simply too valuable to risk.
She thought back to Caprica (and that frakking Cylon who had told her she was more valuable as a potential mother than as a soldier) and shivered. Then she looked at Carrie and couldn’t find it in her to protest. Still, she allowed herself a bitter chuckle because who would have ever thought Kara Thrace would willingly stay behind to “watch the children”?
When it came time to put the plan in motion, Kara took both babies and boarded one of the grounded raptors, passing the night before the exodus going quietly stir crazy.
* * *
The makeshift refugee camp on Galactica’s hangar deck became known as Camp Oil Slick. Kara and Carrie claimed a bed in the corner. Cally and Nicky sat with her while Tyrol went to see the admiral about re-enlisting and getting his family a billet.
“Are you going to fly again?” Cally asked.
Kara shook her head. “I don’t know. Kinda hard to get a good babysitter on a battlestar, you know?”
Not to mention the fact that Lee was CAG again. Once he heard what she had to tell him, her future as a pilot on Galactica seemed doubtful at best. She decided she would wait a few days and get settled before going to find Lee.
* * *
In the end, Lee found her.
“I thought you would have come asking for your wings back by now, Kara.”
She turned in surprise. Her gaze automatically darted to the cot where Carrie was sleeping (mostly obscured by the blankets) and confirmed the baby was out of his line of sight. “I had some things to sort out first,” she admitted. “I didn’t expect you to come looking for me,” she noted, eyebrow raised.
“I came down here to make inventory of the place. Imagine my surprise at seeing Starbuck camped out in the corner.” He raised an eyebrow. “In the corner, Kara? Doesn’t seem like you. I would have expected to find you in the centre of things, demanding all the attention as usual.”
“People change, Lee,” she said.
“In fact, I’d almost say you were hiding,” Lee continued. “Where’s your husband, anyway?”
She shrugged. “He hasn’t been my husband in more than a year now. Turns out I don’t make a very good wife, not that it should surprise you.”
“No, I guess not,” he agreed, with the hint of a sneer.
I deserved that, she thought. She bit back a retort on the state of his own marriage, knowing that antagonising him wasn’t in her best interests or Carrie’s. Aware that the baby could wake at any moment, she said instead, “Lee, we really need to talk but here’s not a great place. Can I meet you somewhere later?”
He regarded her for a long moment. “CAG’s office,” he finally said. “1800. You can ask for your wings back then, too.”
* * *
Lee leaned back against his desk, arms folded and unsmiling. “OK, Kara,” he said. “Talk. Tell me why you did it; ask my forgiveness, whatever it is you wanted to say. I’ll hear you out.” And then throw you out, was the unspoken implication.
Kara took a deep breath. That night beneath the stars, Lee had laid himself bare for her and she’d responded by running off to marry another man the very next day. She’d always known how to wound but she’d done the job a little too well this time.
The only way to fix this was to lay all her cards on the table and even the score.
To start with, she explained her fears and why she’d run from him. She told him she was sorry and that she still loved him. That marrying Sam was a mistake she’d wished she could take back the moment after she’d made it.
And she told him about Carrie.
By the time she was done, his face was ashen, and hers was tearstained.
“Where is she?” he asked.
“I left her with a friend,” Kara explained. “She’s safe.”
“Go get her,” he ordered. “I want to see her.”
* * *
When she returned with the baby, Kara found Lee sitting behind his desk, raking his hands through his hair. At the sound of the hatch he stood and walked over to them but stopped a few feet away as if afraid to move closer.
Kara took a deep breath and turned Carrie to face her father. “This is your daddy,” she told her daughter softly. And before Lee could say a word, she placed the baby in his arms and took a step backwards, tucking her hands nervously in her pockets.
Carrie was a friendly baby and she smiled at everyone but the smile she gave Lee seemed extra bright. Lee was enchanted, cuddling her close and cooing at her for several minutes. Carrie giggled at the faces he made for her and seemed equally charmed-so much so that Kara began to feel a little left out.
When Lee finally looked at her again, he seemed calmer but there was still a definite chill in the air between them. “You’re not keeping her down in that refugee camp,” he declared.
It would have got Kara’s back up if she wasn’t being so careful to bite her tongue. She fought the urge to argue and merely raised an eyebrow as if to enquire what he was going to do about it.
“You can both stay in my quarters for a few days,” he offered. “And we’ll see about getting you a billet of your own. I’ll work out the schedule so you can leave her with me when you’re flying CAP.”
It was far more reasonable than she’d expected. “I’ll go get our things.” She reached out to take Carrie back again.
Lee visibly tightened his hold and Kara let her hands fall back to her side.
Kara tamped down her anxiety at letting Carrie out of her sight. Lee would never hurt her, and Kara owed him this, at least. “Will you be okay with her for half an hour?”
His answering nod was decidedly chilly.
Kara leaned in and gave Carrie a kiss on the forehead. “Mama has to go for a little while, okay?”
Carrie’s answering babble followed her out of the door.
* * *
Lee took the couch and let Kara and the baby have the bed. When Carrie’s fussing woke her the next morning, Kara was surprised to find Lee was already awake and watching them. “I thought maybe I dreamed it all,” he said, by way of explanation.
He seemed much calmer in the light of day so she chanced a small smile. “You didn’t,” she assured him. “She’s real, Lee.”
Carrie squirmed, unhappy that her breakfast didn’t seem to be forthcoming and Lee picked up on her distress. “What does she need?” he asked.
Kara laughed. “Breakfast,” she said wryly.
“Oh.” His gaze drifted momentarily to her breasts (seemed he had noticed) and he flushed. “Do you need anything?” he asked politely.
“Well, you could pass me an extra pillow,” she suggested. He did so, and she levered herself into a sitting position, arranged the pillow in her lap and pulled up her shirt so that Carrie could latch on.
He seemed to realise he was staring then, and looked away, slightly abashed. “I’d better go get some breakfast from the mess. You want anything?”
“Whatever slop they’re serving up today will do fine. Thanks.”
“Right. Back in ten,” he said and headed for the hatch.
On impulse, she called him back. “Lee?”
“Yeah?”
“Do you think you’ll ever be able to forgive me?”
He sighed heavily. “I don’t know,” he replied. “This is big, Kara.”
“I know,” she admitted. “I’m sorry.”
He nodded and then looked at the floor for a moment before heading off to get breakfast.
* * *
A few days turned into a few weeks and Lee still hadn’t kicked her out of his quarters. Kara pretended not to notice when he simply moved in a camp bed to sleep on and continued to yield his own bed to her and Carrie.
Kara was on her best behaviour and so was Lee. They didn’t argue or raise their voices. They were polite to a fault and each tried to be extra thoughtful to the other. By unspoken agreement, they shared custody of the baby. Carrie was healthy and happy and that was all that mattered, even if the relationship between her parents was strained.
The solicitude, in fact, was stifling. Kara had never been strong on patience and she wasn’t sure how much longer she could stand it.
* * *
One afternoon Kara returned from her CAP to find Carrie propped up in Lee’s lap. He was sitting at the table working on the schedules, left hand hooked around the baby’s waist to hold her steady. Carrie was busily gnawing on one of his knuckles, though Lee didn’t appear to be paying attention to it.
“I hope you washed your hands,” Kara commented with a smirk.
He surprised her by looking up and smiling in return. “I think she’s teething,” he told her. “She’s been happily gumming my hand for about half an hour now.”
* * *
The Cylons inevitably caught up to them again, and Kara inevitably pulled a retina-detaching move to take out two of them at once. She might perhaps have overdone it but it sure felt good to be shooting down toasters again.
When she landed, she was shocked to find Lee waiting for her in the hangar bay, looking murderous. “What the frak was that, Kara?” he demanded.
Kara blinked in surprise. “That was me doing my frakking job, Lee. Where’s Carrie?”
“She’s with Dad,” he replied. “And don’t change the subject. It looked to me more like you were trying to get yourself killed.”
She snorted. “I thought almost getting killed was my job.”
He shook his head. “No Kara. Your job is to come home safe to your family. We need you.”
“We?” she asked carefully.
He looked away for a moment then seemed to make a decision. “Frak, Kara, yes we. You think I stopped loving you just because you keep hurting me?”
He handed her a post-flight checklist and stalked off.
* * *
“You know, sometimes I wish we still had Cloud Nine,” Lee commented. They had brought Carrie up to the observation deck to look at the stars. Lee bounced his daughter in his arms and laughed softly. “Do you remember when we were working security at that first quorum meeting? And you chased me with that frakking sprinkler?”
“Yeah,” Kara smiled sadly. “Those were good times, I guess.”
“I hope we find somewhere to settle soon,” he continued. “I want her to know what it’s like to stretch out on the grass with the sun shining down on her.”
Kara shrugged. “Sunlight’s overrated. I wanted the sun for her once; only we spent most of our time hiding from the Cylons in a cellar. Now I’m just happy with what we have.”
“Maybe you’re right,” Lee agreed. “But I still think it’s important to have hope.” He turned his attention to the squirming child in his arms. “Look Carrie, all those lights you can see? Each one of them is a sun. And one of those suns is just for you.”
* * *
When Kara taught her daughter to pray to the gods, Carrie chose Apollo for her idol. He’s always been the only sun she needed.
Carrie has seen the sun before; and the moon and the stars. It might have made the transition to Earth easier if she could remember it but Kara’s glad she doesn’t. The New Caprican sun wasn’t worth the pain it brought.
When she goes to check on them, she finds Carrie has dropped off to sleep again in her father’s arms. As she enters the room, Lee puts a finger to his lips and smiles.
Kara joins her family and they wait for the dawn together.
* * *