#65 Stacey's Big Crush

Dec 23, 2009 23:54

Okay, I'd like to start by saying that this is my first ever snark of anything. I've been lurking on this community and reading snarks continuously. Then I found the two BSC books I found at a work yard sale (sadly the only two I have at my apartment, though I'm planning on grabbing a few tomorrow when I visit my mother for Christmas Eve.) I decided to start with an easy book for my first snark, #65 Stacey's Big Crush. Beware, I'm probably not going to be the greatest at this.



First I'd like to give credit where credit is due. This cover picture came straight from Google Image search. Now onto the fun little snark of the cover. First, what the h-e-double-hockey-sticks is up with Wes's hair? I think someone decided to watch the E! Special on Elvis before the dance. Newsflash, that hair style and white tux thing didn't even work on Elvis. It did however work on Davey Havok, the lead singer of AFI when I saw him in concert. Off topic, but hey... who cares? Onto Stacey. She actually looks thirteen for once, with the dreamy expression. However the dress... The sixties called. They want it back. Now. And it looks like Jessi is looking at Wes's ass. Careful Jessi, Stacey will get jealous and slap a ho!

Now onto the actual book. I wonder how many root beers and cigarettes this is going to take me.

Damnit, I went to start reading chapter one and noticed the dedication. Its dedicated to its actual author, Peter Larangis for his help in 'preparing' this manuscript. I'm sorry, I only recently discovered that you can find out who actually wrote these books. It breaks my heart because I seriously believed, as a child, that Ann really pumped out these books every month just so I had something new to read. This is my sad face.

CHAPTER ONE
We start this book by being told that Stacey loves the smell of lilacs. Her fascination with lilacs is told while her math teacher, Mr. Zizmore, is giving a math problem. And we find out that Stacey adores math. And then, like we don't believe it, she adds on an unnecessary 'really.' She complains that there should be a law against growing lilacs near a school. Uhm, really Stace? Focus.

As if this isn't bad enough. We get a really lame joke from a guy with the worst name ever. Irv Hirsch. His parents must've been sneaking into Sharon's stash when they were naming their poor defenseless baby. I bet he gets teased a lot. So what was the joke?

"Um... find the value of what?" I asked.
"Y."
"Y?"
"Irv Hirsch said "Why not?" in the back of the room, and half the class broke out in giggles.

I get that these kids are in eighth grade and that's a pretty average eighth grade joke. But Ann and the ghosties never have these kids act like they're thirteen. Why do their jokes have to be the only part where they act their age? Really?

So next we find out why Stacey likes lilacs. Because she's from NEW YORK CITY! and they don't have lilacs in NEW YORK CITY! Except in buckets on the street. So no one knows its spring unless they follow this really horrible checklist: 1) touch the radiator to see if the super's turned off the heat (I thought Stacey's dad was OMG!rich and lived on the Upper East Side... I'm assuming those expensive apartments have heat that can be turned on and off on its own) 2) by listening to the weather report (OMG really? You can find out the weather by a weather report. I thought you needed lilacs to do find out if its warm. Dumbass.) 3) by looking out the window to see what people are wearing.

Personally, I think option two is the sanest.

Oh great, now we get to find out all about Stacey McGill. She's a native New Yorker, an only child, and oh yeah, she's spoiled. She doesn't say it but she describes a very spoiled type of person. We find out that she's thirteen and that she moved to and from New York in the last year. Only she words it last year. You know, during their first stint as eighth graders. GRADUATE ALREADY GIRLS! SERIOUSLY!

Oh hay, did you know her parents got divorced. And that she's a latchkey kid. Who cares Stacey? Can we get onto the super hawt pedobear? I mean, your new math teacher.

Oh yay, we're getting to it now. We find out that its a 'fateful' May day. Fateful because not only did Stacey make a smooth recovery by miraculously remembering everything Mr. Z said but she also managed to answer an easy math question correctly. Gasp. She's super math genius girl.

Anyway, the day is fateful because tomorrow is Mr. Zizmore's last day teaching them. Instead, they're having a student teacher named Mr. Ellenburg. Stacey acts like a vapid bitch for a moment and decides that because of his unfortunate name, Mr. Ellenburg will be a nerd with no sense of humor. She realizes that she's a bitch and tells an 'endearing' story about how she thought Mr. Zizmore would suck because of his name and how she was OMG!Wrong.

She's worried and Mr. Zizmore thinks its because Stacey's afraid she's going to suck. Well she is, just not at math. Instead she tells us about this one time she had a substitute. I'm excited. Wait, no I'm not. This is a BSC book so the class just tortured the poor substitute in lame ways. So she's already feeling badly for poor Mr. Ellenberg, the nerd with no sense of humor, and for herself. Because she's Stacey McGill and that means the world revolves around her and all of the pranks that happened with the old substitute teacher were all a personal slight against her. Or at least that's what I figure because there is no reason for her to feel sorry for herself in this. None at all.

So as class is her last class of the day, it provides the perfect segueway to introduce the cult... erm, club. First we start with Claudia Kishi, her one-and-only. Best friend guys, one and only best friend. Get your minds out of the gutter. Though we know they totally do expirement in 50 years when they hit freshman year of high school. The rest of the club slowly walks up like they're in some kind of movie. Joining as they all walk down the hall. It probably looks really creepy for the normies, those not in the club. I'm surprised Kristy wasn't at the front of the line, though she is the first to threaten remind them about the BSC meeting that night. It sounds so casual too, but you know she's thinking of what kind of pain she can inflict on any who dare show up late. Then Kristy goes to the bus.

Stacey, Dawn, Claudia, and Stacey walk home together and Stacey has to stop and smell every lilac bush. Because by now she's obsessed with lilacs and flowers. Maybe she just wants to be deflowered. Maybe she thinks it'll smell like lilacs. Who knows. Wait, yeah, that's the reason. Because when she got home, she was feeling romantic. I'm not even kidding about the italics. So I'm guessing its some kind of double entendre, meaning she was really just feeling desperately horny. Especially since she wishes that she could be like Mary-Anne and could go over to her boyfriend's house.

So anyway, she acts boy-crazy and pines over Sam Thomas for a bit. They're apparently going out and like each other a lot, but its not LOVE and they've drifted apart in the past few weeks. Maybe its because he finally realized that you're going to be 13 forever and he had to grow down so he didn't graduate high school before you finished eighth grade. Just saying.

Anyway, she calls her mom, gets blown off because her mom's on the other line with a client... Personally, I think her mom just didn't want to talk to her. And then we learn that Stacey has HIV.
.
.
.
.
.
.

PSYCH! She has diabeetus. Wouldn't it be more much more interesting if we finally learned about her STD? The one she got from the manslut lifeguard from Boy Crazy Stacey... of from one of her other million and one boyfriends. Anyway, the chapter ends with her complaining that she has an hour and a half of loneliness before the cult meeting/orgy in Claudia's room. So she's going to masturbate do homework.

CHAPTER TWO
I promise this chapter won't be nearly as long. Because its basically the same regurgitated crap that we get every book. Claudia starts by giving Stacey and Dawn some weird nugget type thing with a really long name that they both naturally love because its healthy. Kristy's offered one and states that she'd prefer something pure instead of imitation cheese. Then she eats a mallomar. Because those are pure.

Dawn makes a snarky comment and then Stacey makes a snarky narrative comment about how Dawn's a health food nut. I think she added in health food to be nice. Anyway, Jessi enters and some stupid comments are made that makes them all laugh like hyenas.

Now comes the usual spiel. Because Stacey promised to tell us about the BSC. Damnit, that's one promise I wish she'd break. So we hear that they're all best friends and all about how the club works. And how it started. Then we get to hear all about the members. Here's the rundown.

Claudia's a junk food junkie but she's omg! gorgeous. We learn that she's an awful student and has a genius sister and the other club members use her because she has her own phone, private line, and bribes them with food. Oh can you feel the unconditional friendship?

Next is Kristy who is loud and bossy (again can you feel the love?) We learn about her GREAT IDEAS which are often just mediocre and about her huge family. Anyway, Kristy is watching the clock like a hawk and clears her throat at 5:29, warning the members that if they had anything not related to the club to say, they'd better say it now. Then at 5:30 the business starts. No more unrelated business under penalty of death... or worse, a baby sitting job of Karen Brewer and Jackie Rodowsky. If you do it twice, you also have to sit for Jenny P. with them. (Oh the horrors.) Then Stacey collects dues and everyone whines because they have to or else someone might think they didn't drink the Kool-Aid.

Finally we get back to descriptions. Mary Anne is shy and cries a lot. But she has a boyfriend so in the eyes of Stacey, she's a goddess. Because they tell about Mary Anne's family, next comes Dawn. She's California original. And shock of shocks, Dawn likes health food. But not because she has to but because she likes it. Stacey sounds horrified by this.

Next is the JessiMal paragraph. Because they're one entity. One just happens to be black and the other happens to be hated by the world. Then are the associates. Basically Logan is a boy and they might say bra around him. Plus he's a boy. So why would he attend their normal meetings? And Shannon is too busy for meetings.

The meeting continues. Stacey mentally whines because someone's taking over her class and she no longer gets to play with Mr. Zizmore after class.

Okay I'm tired a bit. I promise to do more than two chapters next time. But this was getting rather verbose. Next time I'll try to make it shorter and also, maybe a little funnier. Just remember, first time snarker.

snarker: joykilldrama, #65 stacey's big crush, stacey

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