#114 - The Secret Life of Mary Anne Spier, Part Two
Chapters 4-6 coming right up!
Chapter Four:
When we left off, our intrepid heroine was in a pickle over uncontrolled spending, and was tearing her hair out trying to reach a solution. As this chapter opens, she has decided to go back to the mall to apply for a job, since the special events planners seem to be working off of the Mayan calendar instead of a Western one and have still not finished setting up Santa’s pavilion.
MA angsts about whether or not she should tell her dad the truth, because he might not let her work at the mall. Yeah, you think?? Richard’s a lawyer, like every other father in Stoneybrook - he would certainly know about child labor laws. MA thinks “it wasn’t as if I wanted to commit a crime”…except that’s EXACTLY what she wants to do! How can she not know about child labor laws? Does she attend school in Pleasantville?
MA lies to her father about her reason for going to the mall, and he just accepts it without question. Sharon meanwhile sticks her head in to announce that she’s going to the Nutrition Center to stock up on supplies for Dawn and Jeff. I don’t know about you, but the name Nutrition Center makes me think of GNC or Vitamin World. So Sharon’s stocking up on vitamins and fish oil caplets? Yeah, actually I can see Dawn popping vitamins like candy while proudly announcing that she no longer eats food because she gets everything her body requires from Nutrition Center. Her body is a well oiled machine, my friends.
Anyway, Sharon politely asks if Richard or MA want anything, and the two “exchange a laughing glance”. I swear, those two are SO RUDE to Sharon. I seriously do not understand their attitude towards eating healthy. You’d think since MA’s mom died so young of cancer Richard would be gung-ho about health food and taking care of yourself so as not to lose MA to the same fate. But no, because such a reaction might actually make sense. I’m just waiting for the day when Sharon hears one too many snide remarks about vegetables and goes all Carrie on their asses. Anyone care to write that fanfic??
So Sharon drives MA to the mall, where she finds her way to the special events office and starts to fill out an application…naively filling in “13” as her age. Just as she finishes that, a girl sits down next to her, and MA describes her appearance in loving (and creepy) detail. Yay, I get to use the rampant lesbianism tag! This turns out to be Angela, who’s been flaunting child labor laws for four years and educates MA on how to forge her age by deftly turning her 3 into a 6, which impresses MA. Clearly MA is extremely easy to impress, because I just did it in about two seconds (except mine looks obviously altered because the six is much darker - I’d be interested to know if Angela is able to do the forgery without making the new number darker.) But then MA suffers an attack of conscience and decides to leave without turning in the application, because it feels really dishonest.
But she is thwarted by the angelic Angela, who turns in her application for her. Dun dun duuuuuun! And now I get to justify using the “things Ann knows nothing about” tag because MA’s “interview” is so ludicrous. Has Suzanne Weyn never been on a job interview? MA goes in, answers some quick questions about her availability (not Mondays, Wednesdays, or Fridays because she “has another job”) allergies (why?), and then asks if she can start tomorrow. No asking about previous employment, references, ID, legal proof to work…what kind of shoddy place are they running? I bet Santa is a registered sex offender.
MA is to pick up her costume at Winter World the next day, and the chapter ends.
Chapter Five:
It’s a babysitting chapter, so I’ll try to keep this brief. This chapter introduces Kristy’s fundraising miracle: Santa-Hannukah-Kwanzaa Town. Because she couldn’t think up a stupider or more clunky sounding name? Personally I think they should have gone with:
Kristy has decided that they’ll collect old toys to use for prizes and have a canned food drive to make refreshments.
…
CANNED FOOD as refreshments?? I can just see it now - tables loaded with cans of tuna, baked beans, “fruit cocktail”, and concentrated soup. A hungry child runs up to the refreshment counter to get a snack and is handed creamed corn and a can opener.
Yummy sound bite Jim Carrey sound bites
Anyway, after Kristy outlines her totally brill plan to Stacey, Stacey heads off to sit for Charlotte, who, OMG is like Stacey’s favoritest charge and they call each other “almost sisters” did you know??
Charlotte just got a new fashion program for her computer, and holy hell the real world has just intruded into a BSC book. My head might explode. Oh, wait, no it won’t, because Charlotte’s computer is a magical one. Or at least her printer is. Apparently you can print out the patterns you create in this program onto real cloth with color and everything! I thought Charlotte was so smart she skipped a grade. She doesn’t know that you can’t feed CLOTH into a PRINTER? I’m beginning to think that Charlotte’s brand of smart more closely resembles this:
Stacey first decides to explain Kristy’s stupid brilliant plan with DocJo and Charlotte, who practically jizzes herself with excitement. Man these kids lead boring lives. She hauls ass to the pantry and starts filling a box with all of her most loathed canned foods (which is precisely what I pictured earlier) - anchovies, oyster sauce, wheat germ, oatmeal, and puffed rice. Yup, sounds like Festivus refreshments to me!
Alas, Stacey explains to Charlotte that this kind of food is not what Kristy had in mind, and so Charlotte sadly parts with brownie mix, frosting, potato chips, and Yodels. Okay, the only canned food on that list is the frosting. So why have a canned food drive to provide refreshments? The stupidity of this plan is mind-boggling, but apparently I’m the only one who sees that.
Stacey and Charlotte bundle up and take Charlotte’s wagon around the neighborhood looking for donations, and of course because it’s the BSC and they live in Pleasantville everybody they talk to happily loads them down with food and toys. I just wonder why the hospital couldn’t just set up a toy drive like “Toys For Tots” or any number of toy drives that take place at the holidays. Oh, because then we wouldn’t have a B-plot.
Chapter Six:
So today is MA’s first day on the job, and she is immediately faced with the challenge of getting to the mall without raising her father’s suspicions. She lies again and claims that this time she’s going to help with the Festivus fundraising. Sharon offers to drive her but MA refuses because she’s afraid Sharon will want to come in with her and then she’ll be busted. So she takes the bus instead, which has GOT to suck, because public transportation in America (especially buses) is really slow. But she makes it unscathed and just barely on time, and is given her costume. In the changing room we’re treated to the mental image of Angela wearing just a bra and a slip.
SEXY!
They finish getting dressed and put their bobble-heads on, and head out into the mall, stumbling all the way and bumping into guard rails and shoppers and generally making asses out of themselves. When they get to Winter Wonderland they meet three other elves, which must be guys since they weren’t in the women’s changing room. Once there, their new boss, Ms. Cerasi, tells them that they will be carrying Santa’s sleigh in the parade.
Five teenagers are going to be CARRYING a sleigh with a big fat man in inside it? Oh, logic, why hast thou forsaken me?
Maybe one of the male elves is actually Will Stronghold.
Chapter Four:
When we left off, our intrepid heroine was in a pickle over uncontrolled spending, and was tearing her hair out trying to reach a solution. As this chapter opens, she has decided to go back to the mall to apply for a job, since the special events planners seem to be working off of the Mayan calendar instead of a Western one and have still not finished setting up Santa’s pavilion.
MA angsts about whether or not she should tell her dad the truth, because he might not let her work at the mall. Yeah, you think?? Richard’s a lawyer, like every other father in Stoneybrook - he would certainly know about child labor laws. MA thinks “it wasn’t as if I wanted to commit a crime”…except that’s EXACTLY what she wants to do! How can she not know about child labor laws? Does she attend school in Pleasantville?
MA lies to her father about her reason for going to the mall, and he just accepts it without question. Sharon meanwhile sticks her head in to announce that she’s going to the Nutrition Center to stock up on supplies for Dawn and Jeff. I don’t know about you, but the name Nutrition Center makes me think of GNC or Vitamin World. So Sharon’s stocking up on vitamins and fish oil caplets? Yeah, actually I can see Dawn popping vitamins like candy while proudly announcing that she no longer eats food because she gets everything her body requires from Nutrition Center. Her body is a well oiled machine, my friends.
Anyway, Sharon politely asks if Richard or MA want anything, and the two “exchange a laughing glance”. I swear, those two are SO RUDE to Sharon. I seriously do not understand their attitude towards eating healthy. You’d think since MA’s mom died so young of cancer Richard would be gung-ho about health food and taking care of yourself so as not to lose MA to the same fate. But no, because such a reaction might actually make sense. I’m just waiting for the day when Sharon hears one too many snide remarks about vegetables and goes all Carrie on their asses. Anyone care to write that fanfic??
So Sharon drives MA to the mall, where she finds her way to the special events office and starts to fill out an application…naively filling in “13” as her age. Just as she finishes that, a girl sits down next to her, and MA describes her appearance in loving (and creepy) detail. Yay, I get to use the rampant lesbianism tag! This turns out to be Angela, who’s been flaunting child labor laws for four years and educates MA on how to forge her age by deftly turning her 3 into a 6, which impresses MA. Clearly MA is extremely easy to impress, because I just did it in about two seconds (except mine looks obviously altered because the six is much darker - I’d be interested to know if Angela is able to do the forgery without making the new number darker.) But then MA suffers an attack of conscience and decides to leave without turning in the application, because it feels really dishonest.
But she is thwarted by the angelic Angela, who turns in her application for her. Dun dun duuuuuun! And now I get to justify using the “things Ann knows nothing about” tag because MA’s “interview” is so ludicrous. Has Suzanne Weyn never been on a job interview? MA goes in, answers some quick questions about her availability (not Mondays, Wednesdays, or Fridays because she “has another job”) allergies (why?), and then asks if she can start tomorrow. No asking about previous employment, references, ID, legal proof to work…what kind of shoddy place are they running? I bet Santa is a registered sex offender.
MA is to pick up her costume at Winter World the next day, and the chapter ends.
Chapter Five:
It’s a babysitting chapter, so I’ll try to keep this brief. This chapter introduces Kristy’s fundraising miracle: Santa-Hannukah-Kwanzaa Town. Because she couldn’t think up a stupider or more clunky sounding name? Personally I think they should have gone with:
Kristy has decided that they’ll collect old toys to use for prizes and have a canned food drive to make refreshments.
…
CANNED FOOD as refreshments?? I can just see it now - tables loaded with cans of tuna, baked beans, “fruit cocktail”, and concentrated soup. A hungry child runs up to the refreshment counter to get a snack and is handed creamed corn and a can opener.
Yummy sound bite Jim Carrey sound bites
Anyway, after Kristy outlines her totally brill plan to Stacey, Stacey heads off to sit for Charlotte, who, OMG is like Stacey’s favoritest charge and they call each other “almost sisters” did you know??
Charlotte just got a new fashion program for her computer, and holy hell the real world has just intruded into a BSC book. My head might explode. Oh, wait, no it won’t, because Charlotte’s computer is a magical one. Or at least her printer is. Apparently you can print out the patterns you create in this program onto real cloth with color and everything! I thought Charlotte was so smart she skipped a grade. She doesn’t know that you can’t feed CLOTH into a PRINTER? I’m beginning to think that Charlotte’s brand of smart more closely resembles this:
Stacey first decides to explain Kristy’s stupid brilliant plan with DocJo and Charlotte, who practically jizzes herself with excitement. Man these kids lead boring lives. She hauls ass to the pantry and starts filling a box with all of her most loathed canned foods (which is precisely what I pictured earlier) - anchovies, oyster sauce, wheat germ, oatmeal, and puffed rice. Yup, sounds like Festivus refreshments to me!
Alas, Stacey explains to Charlotte that this kind of food is not what Kristy had in mind, and so Charlotte sadly parts with brownie mix, frosting, potato chips, and Yodels. Okay, the only canned food on that list is the frosting. So why have a canned food drive to provide refreshments? The stupidity of this plan is mind-boggling, but apparently I’m the only one who sees that.
Stacey and Charlotte bundle up and take Charlotte’s wagon around the neighborhood looking for donations, and of course because it’s the BSC and they live in Pleasantville everybody they talk to happily loads them down with food and toys. I just wonder why the hospital couldn’t just set up a toy drive like “Toys For Tots” or any number of toy drives that take place at the holidays. Oh, because then we wouldn’t have a B-plot.
Click to viewChapter Six:
So today is MA’s first day on the job, and she is immediately faced with the challenge of getting to the mall without raising her father’s suspicions. She lies again and claims that this time she’s going to help with the Festivus fundraising. Sharon offers to drive her but MA refuses because she’s afraid Sharon will want to come in with her and then she’ll be busted. So she takes the bus instead, which has GOT to suck, because public transportation in America (especially buses) is really slow. But she makes it unscathed and just barely on time, and is given her costume. In the changing room we’re treated to the mental image of Angela wearing just a bra and a slip.
SEXY!
They finish getting dressed and put their bobble-heads on, and head out into the mall, stumbling all the way and bumping into guard rails and shoppers and generally making asses out of themselves. When they get to Winter Wonderland they meet three other elves, which must be guys since they weren’t in the women’s changing room. Once there, their new boss, Ms. Cerasi, tells them that they will be carrying Santa’s sleigh in the parade.
Five teenagers are going to be CARRYING a sleigh with a big fat man in inside it? Oh, logic, why hast thou forsaken me?
Maybe one of the male elves is actually Will Stronghold.
