Claudia and the Genius of Elm Street! Part 1!
So I started on this book and I was surprised that it wasn't totally boring. I know we're not supposed to like Rosie but I can't help it. I used to be in dance classes too and have to rehearse and do shows so I know what it was like. Of course, I only did dance and my mom wasn't a rabid stage mother. I remember loving doing shows because I got to go backstage at out theater and I was obsessed with old buildings and off limit areas. Also Rosie is pretty damn snarky and I love when people make Claudia feel like an idiot. She deserves it. But don't listen to me. I'm a certified bitch. Well, let's go!
-Song of the Day!-
Let's talk the cover-
'How can a seven year old make Claudia feel so dumb?' the tagline cries! How can a tapeworm not make Claudia feel dumb? It's not hard. Just don't dress like a clown and read at a newborn level. This scene is actually in the book although there the Wilders have an actual porch with furniture. And Janine I love you but nobody should wear mustard. And please put some socks on.
Chapter 1!
Claudia is bored watching a cleaning commercial because she wanted to record a documentary about Andy Warhol but fucked up the times and now she has to watch another showing. Janine watches it for a second and then is like 'His art is hot garbage' and walks out. Ha! I'm glad Janine and I share this opinion. Also I wonder how a documentary about Andy Warhol would sit with lily white naive Claudia? I mean, they gotta mention the seedy parts, right? But I somehow get the feeling that the world of the 'brook is so heavily censored, sex becomes a game of tag and drugs become healthy cereal. Claudia talks about how different she and Janine are as Janine takes college courses and she once misspelled her own name. She goes to describe her current outfit-'a man’s paisley vest I'd found at a yard sale, over a striped button-down shirt with tuxedo-stripe black Spandex stirrup pants, held up with pink-flecked black suspenders. My hair was pulled straight back with a paisley comb, and I was wearing electric-pink ankle boots'. Paisley, stripes and stripes? Yeesh. But honestly, I'd kill for those boots.
She says that such an outfit gives off an air of 'artistic, fun loving, a good sense of humor'. Rather than the real answer 'a cookie cutter of every other quirky teen girl in '91'. I speak from experience. She goes on to say Janine's way of dressing just says smart and I'll give her credit for not saying boring. This devolves into exposition about her room and eating habits and when it gets back to the story, she's thinking how she needs to work on a new project. Then suddenly! Inspiration! Andy Warhol painted hot garbage and so can she! She'll do pop art of junk food! I'm not really sure if that's being inspired as much as doing the exact same thing with a different subject. But seeing as Ann has no problem with plagiarizing even herself I guess it's all cool.
Chapter 2!
I'm actually surprised Ann has Claudia talk about art in a way that makes her not sound like an idiot by having her wonder on tints and lighting. I think this is the first time I've heard Claud sound like an actual artist. Claudia is so lost in thought she doesn't hear Immortan K come in even though you know K Ron has all the stealth of a bull in china shop. I'm surprised she doesn't actually announce herself when she enters the room. “Fear not, plebs! Your all glorious leader...has arrived!' K Ron notices Claudia is staring into space with a runner of drool on her lip and asks what's up. Claudia explains her art project and K Ron immediately loses interest. Claudia says K Ron's idea of an...idea is usually something more 'practical'. At least she didn't say amazing and genius.
She of course starts to exposit and we actually get a Mary Anne outfit-'a loose-fitting open shirt over a teal turtleneck with off-white chinos and white sneakers'. She says that my favorite sitter, Dawn, is 'laid back'. Why do Ann and the ghosties continue with this lie? Dawn is the most uptight member of the BSC. Well, tied with K Ron. I wouldn't call calling people fat and gross because they looked at a cupcake 'laid back'. If you're laid back you can tolerate people eating food you don't like in front of you without being personally offended. It's weird that they always go that route when never in a single book has Dawn acted that way.
Claudia shows how smart she is by wondering if Squirt will use that nickname when he gets older. Yes, I'm sure a 16 year old boy would have nooooo problem with a shame and innuendo laced nickname like that. I think Claudia thinks Rosie is the genius of Elm street because she knows how to tie her shoes. Even though everyone got a few paragraphs worth of exposition, Mal get's one. And it's mainly about her siblings. Claudia continues to show off her brains by saying she thinks Mal secretly likes being a younger member. Oh, Ann and her crazy reset button! Ain't it just great the way it makes everyone forget what utter shitheels they were?! Hoo, boy!
Chapter 3!
Pretty much nothing but exposition and Claudia getting a job for Rosie Wilder. And for the second time, Claudia thinks the sound of someone getting an idea is 'Boing!'
Chapter 4!
On Tuesday, Claudia makes her way to the Wilder's home and is relieved to see it's just a normal house. She kept thinking it'd be a real live mansion because Mrs Wilder talks like a lunatic rich person. Mrs Wilder answers the door and Claudia takes their having art prints on the wall as a good sign. She notices that there's classical piano music playing and is shocked to see that it's Rosie playing. Rosie is concentrating so hard she doesn't hear her mom calling her till she yells at her. She introduces her to Claudia and Rosie is obviously not impressed. Mrs Wilder tells Claud Rosie's schedule and Claudia says she has a lot of talents which makes Rosie give a tiny smile.
Mrs Wilder shows Claudia around then leaves. Claudia tells Rosie she's sorry she interrupted her practice but Rosie don't care. She says she has to practice then have a snack then homework. Claudia says she'll just be hanging around if she needs her. Rosie asks why the Hell would she need her if she's practicing and Claudia is like 'Duuuuh...' Rosie asks her if she knows anything about the piece she was playing and Claudia doesn't even understand what that means. The cogs in her head finally start spinning and she says no she doesn't and Rosie is again like, 'Why would I need you?' Rosie goes off to practice and Claudia heads to the den to work on her homework. She notices a bunch of books like 'How to Exploit Your Child For Everything They're Worth!' and 'Your Kid Has Talent?! *rabid foaming*' She makes the excuse that working in that room will make her feel stupid and eats candy instead of doing her homework. Yeah, that's a good excuse.
When she puts her milk duds on the table, they spill and she's suddenly struck with the inspiration to draw them. She gets so involved with sketching she doesn't notice the music stopped until Rosie speaks. She asked her if she spilled candy all over their table and drew it instead of cleaning it up. Fair question. Claudia is like 'Uh, yeah' and Rosie just says she's gonna have her snack. Claudia joins her in the kitchen and asks her if she'd like some milk duds. Rosie says they don't go with grapes and Claudia says Rosie is getting on her nerves. Because she didn't want a disgusting food combination? Of course Ann thinks you drink Coke with Oreos so who knows what nasty ass food she likes? Oh, wait. Ann thinks 'Coke' goes with everything *buh dum tiss!*
Claudia thinks about shaking the Hell out of Rosie but just says she sounded great. Rosie cheers a little and Claudia asks her about an upcoming audition. Rosie says it's for a dinner theater production of 'Meet Me in St Louis' and asks if she wants to see the part she's prepared. Claudia says sure and they head into the basement which has been converted into a dance studio. I always thought it was weird for people to have rooms in their basements because my bedroom is wider than the basement in my old house. Rosie puts on her song and dance and Claudia is disturbed by her fake smile. She also says it's familiar. After that Rosie does some ballet and plays her violin for Claudia. When she says she's gonna go work on her homework, Claudia is relieved because uh! It's so hard spending time with kids when you're paid to and part of a club all about spending time with kids!
Claudia goes back to the den to work on her own homework when Rosie comes downstairs and asks her if foxes hibernate. Claudia has no idea and a quick Google search tells me they do not. Do you think Ann is one of those millennial hating boomers who think we have it too easy and are lazy? 'Back in my day we had to walk out in ten feet of snow to find out if foxes hibernate! And sometimes we had to fight a velociraptor!' Rosie asks if she didn't have third grade science and yeah, Rosie she had it but she didn't pass it. She was too busy drawing 'self portraits' of butterflies to pay attention to science! Rosie is just like 'Oy, this guy' and goes back to her homework. When they go for a walk, Rosie correct the spelling on Claudia's note. Bwa hahahahahaha! I'm sorry but I find this fucking hilarious. I've said it many times before, but I hate willful ignorance and the fact that Claudia is getting outsmarted by a third grader is just amazing to me. You would think that this would make Claudia think to start doing something about it but you're wrong. She just thinks she wants to kill Rosie. Jealousy is an ugly thing, Kishi. Like Mal in anything backless.
Chapter 5!
On Thursday, Claudia has decided to keep a sunny view on Rosie sitting. Mrs Arnold drops Rosie off and all the other kids in the car call hi to Claudia but not Rosie. When they get inside Mrs Wilder left a rather hilarious not that ends with 'Love and kisses for Rosie!'. I just always found that funny. I just imagine Claudia thinking 'What about my love and kisses? Ma Pike would have said love and kisses'. Claudia serves them some tuna salad and Rosie talks about her cholesterol. Claudia is floored by the fact that a little kid is worried about that and she doesn't even know what cholesterol is. It's the thing that's eventually gonna kill you, hun. Claudia tries a tired joke and Rosie fake laughs. That's when Claudia recognizes her. She was in that boring cleaning commercial. She thinks about how Rosie is not only smart but rich and famous. Uh, she lives in an average neighborhood in Stoneybrook. No wonder Rosie thinks Claudia is an idiot.
Rosie says she has to do her science homework and asks Claudia if she can help her with it. Claudia is like 'Obviously not' and says she'll call Janine. When Claudia call her and says 'It's me' Janine says 'Hi, me' and Claudia says this isn't humor. Dad humor isn't humor? I think you mean it's the best form. Janine comes over and she and Rosie do science while Claud draws a Twinkie. When they're done they thank Janine and she heads home. Rosie goes to rehearse and after a while Rosie's tap and voice teacher come over. Claudia thinks how nice it is not to deal with Rosie and gets to work on some more sketches. She's pretty distracted by all the noise they're making and actually feels sorry for Rosie having to push herself so hard. And yet when it's K Ron yelling at everyone over being a minute late you feel like you're not pushing yourself hard enough.
When the teachers leave, Rosie comes into the den and Claudia feels bad about how tired she looks. Rosie asks if she can look at her sketches and Claudia is shocked she would care. It's a good thing Claudia is in Ann's world because my sketchbook is not suitable for a seven year old. So many boobies. Rosie says that she likes to draw sometimes and Claudia thinks her work must be in museums. Claudia asks if she'd like to draw with her but Rosie declines. Claudia woes that she tried.
-Song of the Day!-
Let's talk the cover-
'How can a seven year old make Claudia feel so dumb?' the tagline cries! How can a tapeworm not make Claudia feel dumb? It's not hard. Just don't dress like a clown and read at a newborn level. This scene is actually in the book although there the Wilders have an actual porch with furniture. And Janine I love you but nobody should wear mustard. And please put some socks on.
Chapter 1!
Claudia is bored watching a cleaning commercial because she wanted to record a documentary about Andy Warhol but fucked up the times and now she has to watch another showing. Janine watches it for a second and then is like 'His art is hot garbage' and walks out. Ha! I'm glad Janine and I share this opinion. Also I wonder how a documentary about Andy Warhol would sit with lily white naive Claudia? I mean, they gotta mention the seedy parts, right? But I somehow get the feeling that the world of the 'brook is so heavily censored, sex becomes a game of tag and drugs become healthy cereal. Claudia talks about how different she and Janine are as Janine takes college courses and she once misspelled her own name. She goes to describe her current outfit-'a man’s paisley vest I'd found at a yard sale, over a striped button-down shirt with tuxedo-stripe black Spandex stirrup pants, held up with pink-flecked black suspenders. My hair was pulled straight back with a paisley comb, and I was wearing electric-pink ankle boots'. Paisley, stripes and stripes? Yeesh. But honestly, I'd kill for those boots.
She says that such an outfit gives off an air of 'artistic, fun loving, a good sense of humor'. Rather than the real answer 'a cookie cutter of every other quirky teen girl in '91'. I speak from experience. She goes on to say Janine's way of dressing just says smart and I'll give her credit for not saying boring. This devolves into exposition about her room and eating habits and when it gets back to the story, she's thinking how she needs to work on a new project. Then suddenly! Inspiration! Andy Warhol painted hot garbage and so can she! She'll do pop art of junk food! I'm not really sure if that's being inspired as much as doing the exact same thing with a different subject. But seeing as Ann has no problem with plagiarizing even herself I guess it's all cool.
Chapter 2!
I'm actually surprised Ann has Claudia talk about art in a way that makes her not sound like an idiot by having her wonder on tints and lighting. I think this is the first time I've heard Claud sound like an actual artist. Claudia is so lost in thought she doesn't hear Immortan K come in even though you know K Ron has all the stealth of a bull in china shop. I'm surprised she doesn't actually announce herself when she enters the room. “Fear not, plebs! Your all glorious leader...has arrived!' K Ron notices Claudia is staring into space with a runner of drool on her lip and asks what's up. Claudia explains her art project and K Ron immediately loses interest. Claudia says K Ron's idea of an...idea is usually something more 'practical'. At least she didn't say amazing and genius.
She of course starts to exposit and we actually get a Mary Anne outfit-'a loose-fitting open shirt over a teal turtleneck with off-white chinos and white sneakers'. She says that my favorite sitter, Dawn, is 'laid back'. Why do Ann and the ghosties continue with this lie? Dawn is the most uptight member of the BSC. Well, tied with K Ron. I wouldn't call calling people fat and gross because they looked at a cupcake 'laid back'. If you're laid back you can tolerate people eating food you don't like in front of you without being personally offended. It's weird that they always go that route when never in a single book has Dawn acted that way.
Claudia shows how smart she is by wondering if Squirt will use that nickname when he gets older. Yes, I'm sure a 16 year old boy would have nooooo problem with a shame and innuendo laced nickname like that. I think Claudia thinks Rosie is the genius of Elm street because she knows how to tie her shoes. Even though everyone got a few paragraphs worth of exposition, Mal get's one. And it's mainly about her siblings. Claudia continues to show off her brains by saying she thinks Mal secretly likes being a younger member. Oh, Ann and her crazy reset button! Ain't it just great the way it makes everyone forget what utter shitheels they were?! Hoo, boy!
Chapter 3!
Pretty much nothing but exposition and Claudia getting a job for Rosie Wilder. And for the second time, Claudia thinks the sound of someone getting an idea is 'Boing!'
Click to viewChapter 4!
On Tuesday, Claudia makes her way to the Wilder's home and is relieved to see it's just a normal house. She kept thinking it'd be a real live mansion because Mrs Wilder talks like a lunatic rich person. Mrs Wilder answers the door and Claudia takes their having art prints on the wall as a good sign. She notices that there's classical piano music playing and is shocked to see that it's Rosie playing. Rosie is concentrating so hard she doesn't hear her mom calling her till she yells at her. She introduces her to Claudia and Rosie is obviously not impressed. Mrs Wilder tells Claud Rosie's schedule and Claudia says she has a lot of talents which makes Rosie give a tiny smile.
Mrs Wilder shows Claudia around then leaves. Claudia tells Rosie she's sorry she interrupted her practice but Rosie don't care. She says she has to practice then have a snack then homework. Claudia says she'll just be hanging around if she needs her. Rosie asks why the Hell would she need her if she's practicing and Claudia is like 'Duuuuh...' Rosie asks her if she knows anything about the piece she was playing and Claudia doesn't even understand what that means. The cogs in her head finally start spinning and she says no she doesn't and Rosie is again like, 'Why would I need you?' Rosie goes off to practice and Claudia heads to the den to work on her homework. She notices a bunch of books like 'How to Exploit Your Child For Everything They're Worth!' and 'Your Kid Has Talent?! *rabid foaming*' She makes the excuse that working in that room will make her feel stupid and eats candy instead of doing her homework. Yeah, that's a good excuse.
When she puts her milk duds on the table, they spill and she's suddenly struck with the inspiration to draw them. She gets so involved with sketching she doesn't notice the music stopped until Rosie speaks. She asked her if she spilled candy all over their table and drew it instead of cleaning it up. Fair question. Claudia is like 'Uh, yeah' and Rosie just says she's gonna have her snack. Claudia joins her in the kitchen and asks her if she'd like some milk duds. Rosie says they don't go with grapes and Claudia says Rosie is getting on her nerves. Because she didn't want a disgusting food combination? Of course Ann thinks you drink Coke with Oreos so who knows what nasty ass food she likes? Oh, wait. Ann thinks 'Coke' goes with everything *buh dum tiss!*
Claudia thinks about shaking the Hell out of Rosie but just says she sounded great. Rosie cheers a little and Claudia asks her about an upcoming audition. Rosie says it's for a dinner theater production of 'Meet Me in St Louis' and asks if she wants to see the part she's prepared. Claudia says sure and they head into the basement which has been converted into a dance studio. I always thought it was weird for people to have rooms in their basements because my bedroom is wider than the basement in my old house. Rosie puts on her song and dance and Claudia is disturbed by her fake smile. She also says it's familiar. After that Rosie does some ballet and plays her violin for Claudia. When she says she's gonna go work on her homework, Claudia is relieved because uh! It's so hard spending time with kids when you're paid to and part of a club all about spending time with kids!
Claudia goes back to the den to work on her own homework when Rosie comes downstairs and asks her if foxes hibernate. Claudia has no idea and a quick Google search tells me they do not. Do you think Ann is one of those millennial hating boomers who think we have it too easy and are lazy? 'Back in my day we had to walk out in ten feet of snow to find out if foxes hibernate! And sometimes we had to fight a velociraptor!' Rosie asks if she didn't have third grade science and yeah, Rosie she had it but she didn't pass it. She was too busy drawing 'self portraits' of butterflies to pay attention to science! Rosie is just like 'Oy, this guy' and goes back to her homework. When they go for a walk, Rosie correct the spelling on Claudia's note. Bwa hahahahahaha! I'm sorry but I find this fucking hilarious. I've said it many times before, but I hate willful ignorance and the fact that Claudia is getting outsmarted by a third grader is just amazing to me. You would think that this would make Claudia think to start doing something about it but you're wrong. She just thinks she wants to kill Rosie. Jealousy is an ugly thing, Kishi. Like Mal in anything backless.
Chapter 5!
On Thursday, Claudia has decided to keep a sunny view on Rosie sitting. Mrs Arnold drops Rosie off and all the other kids in the car call hi to Claudia but not Rosie. When they get inside Mrs Wilder left a rather hilarious not that ends with 'Love and kisses for Rosie!'. I just always found that funny. I just imagine Claudia thinking 'What about my love and kisses? Ma Pike would have said love and kisses'. Claudia serves them some tuna salad and Rosie talks about her cholesterol. Claudia is floored by the fact that a little kid is worried about that and she doesn't even know what cholesterol is. It's the thing that's eventually gonna kill you, hun. Claudia tries a tired joke and Rosie fake laughs. That's when Claudia recognizes her. She was in that boring cleaning commercial. She thinks about how Rosie is not only smart but rich and famous. Uh, she lives in an average neighborhood in Stoneybrook. No wonder Rosie thinks Claudia is an idiot.
Rosie says she has to do her science homework and asks Claudia if she can help her with it. Claudia is like 'Obviously not' and says she'll call Janine. When Claudia call her and says 'It's me' Janine says 'Hi, me' and Claudia says this isn't humor. Dad humor isn't humor? I think you mean it's the best form. Janine comes over and she and Rosie do science while Claud draws a Twinkie. When they're done they thank Janine and she heads home. Rosie goes to rehearse and after a while Rosie's tap and voice teacher come over. Claudia thinks how nice it is not to deal with Rosie and gets to work on some more sketches. She's pretty distracted by all the noise they're making and actually feels sorry for Rosie having to push herself so hard. And yet when it's K Ron yelling at everyone over being a minute late you feel like you're not pushing yourself hard enough.
When the teachers leave, Rosie comes into the den and Claudia feels bad about how tired she looks. Rosie asks if she can look at her sketches and Claudia is shocked she would care. It's a good thing Claudia is in Ann's world because my sketchbook is not suitable for a seven year old. So many boobies. Rosie says that she likes to draw sometimes and Claudia thinks her work must be in museums. Claudia asks if she'd like to draw with her but Rosie declines. Claudia woes that she tried.