kristy's worst idea
Choose life. Choose a school. Choose a class. Choose a family. Choose a big fucking collection of slouch socks, Choose boys, dates, compact disc players, and a Tiger Beat magazine subscription. Choose common sense, sanity and mental clarity. Choose cheerleading, band practice, the second school production of Peter Pan. Choose a boyfriend. Choose your friends. Choose stirrup-pants and baggy sweaters. Choose a dress for the thirty-third Stoneybrook Middle School dance of the year. Choose going to the mall and wondering who you are on a Sunday morning. Choose sitting on that couch watching mind-numbing sprit-crushing reruns of I Love Lucy, stuffing fucking junk food into your mouth. Choose rotting away at the end of it all, pissing your last in a miserable home with Mallory Pike's Uncle Joe, nothing more than an embarrassment to the selfish, fucked-up siblings you've been saddled with. Choose your future. Choose life... But why would I want to do a thing like that?
I chose not to choose life: I chose something else. And the reasons? There are no reasons. Who need reasons when you've got babysitting?
Chapter One
this chapter is just ridiculous. kristy comes back from a family vacation to hawaii and is talking to mary anne on the phone, but everything is so chaotic in her house that she can't hear a damn word mary anne is saying. instead of telling mary anne she has to call her back later or switch to a phone in another room or fucking SOMETHING reasonable, she just continues to try and have this conversation. it's pointless.
aaaand before going on this vacation, some unidentified member of the brewer/thomas clan forgot to throw out an uncovered bowl of tuna that was in the fridge. now the kitchen smells like stacey's vag. good times.
literally everyone in this chapter is stupid. their combined IQ is residing in the negative.
when kristy finally leaves the damned crowded tuna kitchen to hear mary anne better/escape nasty fish clean-up duty, shit gets a little better. "tell me how much everyone in the bsc missed me, in fifty words or less." she begs. mary anne laughs at her. "a lot, kristy. but we survived. abby really improved as president."
and the rat in kristy's brain starts running marathons on it's wheel. the wheel of craziness. her anger is likened to a rotting turnip, apparently. and the more she hears about what a great job abby did, the more that turnip of rage "putrefies."
as she is getting off the phone with MA, she says she'll talk to her at the meeting "tomorrow", which is labor day, as MA points out. "so? the bsc's not labor," kristy lies. when MA protests, kristy reels her in with the promise of gifts from hawaii. for fuck sake, krusty, you've resorted to buying your friend's allegiance, i see.
"well…okay," mary anne said softy. "but i know jessi's family is having a big barbecue, and i think claudia was supposed to go to her aunt's house --" "don't worry, i'll call them," i said. "got to go. can't wait to see you!"
kristy feels a rush. she feels great. probably because she has taken charge. she gets off on being in control of everything.
the chapter ends with this: 'okay, i wasn't in waikiki. i wasn't watching the sun rise over the rim of an ancient volcano. but i was home. and in a day, i'd be running a baby-sitters club meeting. as far as i was concerned, life couldn't be much better than that.'
Chapter Two
whelp, kristy managed to sucker the bsc into abandoning their freedom and family's on labor day. don't tell me you're surprised! she has the world's ugliest gifts to pass out and has spent a lifetime cultivating such a high level of poor taste that she actually thinks these monstrosities are acceptable gifts worth leaving barbecue's and family get togethers for.
'claudia kishi gasped as she opened the present i'd bought her. "kristy, i don't know what to say." for all to see, she held up a pineapple-shaped clock, whose two hands were a surfer and a surfboard. "how about, 'that's the ugliest [fucking] thing i have ever seen'?" abby suggested.'
claudia, abby, stacey and mallory all laugh their lady-balls off. (mary anne 'chuckled politely.' whatever mary anne. whatever.)
the other gifts were as follows: a "hula-grass hat" (whatever the fuck that is) for abby. a toy ukulele for stacey (i scratch my head at that, wondering what about a ukulele screamed "stacey!" to kristy, but whatever. it's probably the only decent gift in the bunch.) mirrored sunglasses for mary anne. pink and blue lei-shaped clip-on earrings for mallory. why clip-ons i'll never know, we all know mal's ears are pierced. whatever.
and fucking nothing for jessi, cuz she didn't show. hahahahaha!! at least SOMEONE's parents had the brains to say, "no, you're not skipping out on a family get together for some pre-teen hitler, just because she commands it. SIT YO ASS DOWN, JESSICA."
kristy calls the meeting to order, "the first baby-sitters club luau!" and i roll my eyes to the heavens. stacey's "splinks" her ukulele in response. kristy gets down to brass tacks and demands to know where jessi is at. '"her parents wouldn't let her leave the barbecue," mallory piped up. "smart people," mumbled a voice in the hallway. claudia spun around. "who asked you?" claudia's older sister, janine, poked her head in the door. "well, they are. the last time i looked, this day was a federal holiday." ' and then janine walks off, like a fucking boss. god, i love janine.
claudia explains that janine is "sour" because they had to come home early from peach's and russ's bbq, just when russ had put duck on the grill. i guess janine likes duck? and is pissed off that she had to miss out on family time because of a child dictator's demands.
mallory chooses that moment to mention that her mom wants to know if they can end early, because poor old uncle joe is visiting from the nursing home. claudia's eyes light up, because if they leave early, there might time to go back to that duck.
kristy tries to regain control by asking if there is any new business. stacey says it's dues day and abby very wisely bitches, "on a holiday?" seriously.
'i raised an eyebrow. "after what happened this summer, i don't think we can afford to skip any dues."' i don't remember what happened in this version of summer. so, i guess they lost a lot of money. whatever. kristy admits to the reader/herself, that she knows she was being a "little" harsh, 'but hey, someone has to lay down the law.'
and then chapter two turns into a legit chapter two by explaining the club and every fucking member and their life stories. ho hum. i'll skim and see if there is anything worth noting.
ah, apparently after dawn left, kristy was "on the verge of a nervous breakdown." and then, abby appeared, like hope in human form. and all was right in kristy's world again, until…it all went horribly wrong. she couldn't QUITE control abby the way she could control the others, but instead of kicking her out, like wendy-whatshername before her, she just…inexplicably put up with being challenged.
dun, dun, dun…until now? now kristy is starting to snap. as she puts it, "now i'm having that nervous breakdown."
kristy quickly internally monologues that she is jesting, she is just kidding, you guys. abby is "great". because she's…a gung-ho athlete? aiight, krusty. and she's good for cheap laughs apparently.
whatever gets you through the day, kristy, whatever you have to tell yourself.
back to the book.
stacey is counting out the dues, i'm assuming this is a way to segue into the life and times of stacey, but there is this worth noting: '"hey, good news," stacey announced. "after we pay claudia's phone bill for the month, we'll have…uh, a positive amount in the treasury." "how positive?" i asked.'
wait for it, wait for it, because this is gonna be good.
'"three dollars and seventeen cents."
kristy's gasket blows. '"three dollars--" i blurted out. "let's celebrate!"' caludia the dumb shouts as she jumps off her bed and disappears into the candy narnia that is her closet, to retrieve a "tiny gum ball machine in the shape of a dolphin." kristy ain't falling for claudia's lame distraction noodle. '"wait a minute," i began. "we should have much more than---"
"unforeseen expenses." abby quickly piped up.'
something tells me that kristy is going to take back that "lol, just kidding!" she added after her comment about abby bringing on a nervous breakdown.
claudia starts throwing gum balls around the room, "you drop it, you lose it." yeah, claud, i think that's pretty much a given in your bedroom.
abby, responds to this by making a gigantic asshat of herself, clapping her hands and barking like a seal. aaaall riiiiiight…until she is owned by a gum ball that smacks one of her front teeth. guuurl, you're lucky it didn't break your damn tooth.
and kristy zones out because she can't take this level of bullshit, and goes back to her chapter two happy place of describing all the fucking members of the club. fuck sake. though as she is describing stacey's diabetes, she notes that she's seen stacey inject herself with insulin before and "it's not as gross as it sounds." but then this happens:
'what does a diabetic look like? well, if she's anything like stacey mcgill, stunning.' *headdesk headdesk, headfuckingdesk*
while assplaining that stacey is treasurer because she's the only one who likes math, yada yada, and what they spend all the dues on, she says, 'as you can see, running a good club is not cheap. which is why stacey should never, never have let abby mess around with the dues.' her rage is simmering, still. but she tries to keep it in check by telling us about mal and jessi. and shannon. and dawn, for some fucking reason, even though she's fucking gone and never coming back. but she's an "honorary" member. so whatever.
back to the meeting - FINALLY!
stacey's dad has super balls or just doesn't give a fuck and has bought her a ticket to a broadway show for friday. abby 'put her hands to her cheeks, like macaulay culkin in home alone. "doesn't he know it's the night of a bsc meeting?" "can he exchange it?" ' kristy has even bigger balls than stacey's dad. abby says she was joking and then stacey takes a shit down kristy's throat with this gem, "you can't exchange broadway tickets. i just wanted to let you know i won't be here." and then mallory butts in, once again, with impeccable timing, and says jessi can't make friday meetings anymore because she has a dance class starting on fridays.
and this leads to the stupidest shit ever. when they decide to switch the friday meeting to thursdays. WHY!??!?!??!?!?! why not just excuse jessi from one fucking meeting a week? THEN NONE OF THIS SHIT WOULD'VE HAPPENED.
oh, i just answered my own question. they needed this convoluted stupidity to make the plot work, and, ya know, people need to get paid. so. i headdesk forever over this shit.
i also headdesk over abby suggesting they hold friday meetings at the dance studio. and double headdesk over claudia adding, "and feed the ballerinas junk food." to which abby responds in "an announcer's voice," "welcome to swine lake." bitches. kristy begins to lose her shit. '"whoa, guys, this is serious." i said. "the year hasn't even started and everyone's ducking out." they bitch back and forth about changing friday's meetings to thursday, which kristy refuses to do (GOOD. EXCUSE JESSI FROM THE MEETING!!!) '"so jessi has to quit ballet?" mallory asked. i shrugged. "or the bsc."' mary anne tries to be the voice of reason "we could just try thursday meetings for awhile, kristy. or excuse jessi from fridays." but nope, abby announces they put changing the meeting to thursday to a vote. they vote and kristy loses her shit even more. '"uh, excuse me." i said. "did i miss something? i thought i was the president and you were my temporary replacement." abby bowed her head low. "sorry, my liege."' and i laugh and laugh and laugh. fuck you, kristy. everyone else thinks it's funny as well and they giggle "like monkeys."
'"very funny," i snapped. "did you all stop taking this club seriously while i was gone, or just abby?"'
they try to protest that they have been taking this dumb shit seriously and that they made a shit ton of money at the mexican festival that they did while krusty was on vacation. mallory, oh, mallory, butts in again with, "you would have been proud." that poor bitch just can't help but say the wrong things at the wrong times during this meeting.
'proud of abby's idea? right. look what it had done. the whole club had been abbified. everyone had grown lazy while i was gone.
or maybe they weren't lazy. maybe i was being too stubborn. (hard to imagine, i know.) sometimes you have to give a little to keep people happy.
i realized it was time to snap back. win everyone back to my side. i had to come up with an idea of my own. a fantastic project to kick off the new school year.'
and then the rat in kristy's head flies off it's wheel, and spins completely out of fucking control.
'"okay, thursday meetings." i relented. "now let's move onto something new. the fall into fall festival block party."'
kristy admits that she has not a damn clue what this festival is. all she has is a name. but she can't control herself. she has officially lost her shit and will only continue to lose it even more as we continue through this tale of madness and obsession.
'i barrelled on anyway."look, the summer's over. families are returning to stoneybrook. some of the parents haven't seen us since the spring. what's on their minds? school supplies, classroom numbers, clothing, groceries. well, we have to add one more ingredient to that list--and you know what it is, guys."
claudia nodded sagely. "ring-dings. they go great in lunch boxes."'
i pipe up, "valium. they fucking need it dealing with you bitches."
'"no!" i snapped. "the babysitters club. that's where the fall into fall festival block party comes in. we'll close off mclelland road on a saturday. advertise all over town. have the best fall activities. apple picking, cider making, maple sugaring--"'
*slams head into desk.*
mallory is the only one loyal/desperate for approval enough to want to hear her finish this shit. give up mallory, get away now, kristy's going off the rails on a crazy train. back away. but make sure to back away slowly, she's got that insane gleam in her eyes again. wait till you get to the street, then fucking run. run like the wind, mallory!
'it was taking shape right in my little brain. growing. turning into a real kristy thomas winner.
forget about the mexican festival. this was going to be the event of the century.'
oh ho, it'll be something all right…a big steaming pile of shit, is what it will be. have fun with that, kristy.
thank goodness this chapter is over.
Chapter Three
babysitting chapter. mary anne writes what is probably the shortest and least detailed notebook entry ever in these books. "claudia and me. barrett/dewitts. kids difficult. nervous about the school year. played games. art, too." kristy states that no, MA and claudia were not studying shorthand, they were just "in bad moods." (pissed off is more like it.)
kristy says that at first she didn't notice that MA and claudia were majorly pissed off with one another, because "the whole room felt kind of toxic during our wednesday meeting." no shit. abby was upset with her about what she'd said monday. stacey was stressing about a social studies project. jessi was apologizing excessively about her ballet class being on fridays (forgot to mention, the classes started at 5:15. so there was literally no way she could go to the friday meetings.) MA spends "practically the whole meeting hunched over the record book, with her hair in front of her face." (avoiding claudia, methinks), mallory spent the meeting comforting jessi. claudia, also obviously ignoring MA, is staring blankly out the window (probably internally monologuing eternal chapter twos or something) and eating doritos (lucky bitch, i'd kill for some right now.)
things were still shit during the first thursday meeting. krusty is brain farting because she keeps thinking it's friday and she won't have school the next day. and, to my great amusement, they get exactly ZERO calls. even though they spent the entire week calling clients to let them know about the change as well as putting up new fliers. (hey kristy, maybe no one called because they called to book the jobs the day before? that could be part of it.) here is there new flier, because it made me roll my eyes:
"attention all parents!
***bulletin!!!***
the baby-sitters club announces
it's new, improved schedule:
monday, wednesday and thursday
5:30 to 6:00
same great service--more convenient hours!"
lol, okay, they really tried to spin it like this was a great change that was, as they put it, "more convenient!" um, you guys switched one meeting day. it's not really more convenient. whatever girls.
anyway, they apparently moped through the meeting and then went home. boo hoo.
that evening kristy calls mary anne, thinking that it will cheer her up. until MA fills her in on "every gory detail" of that babysitting job she had with claudia.
as soon as they arrive, they are informed by mrs. barrett (i refuse to call her mrs. dewitt, i'm just stubborn like that.) that buddy and lindsey are having time outs, taylor and suzi aren't allowed to watch tv and none of the kids are allowed to have cookies until the next day. mrs. b gets the hell outta there as soon as she's done telling them this. as soon as the door closes behind her, buddy starts screaming to ask if his time out is over and marnie starts calling for jessi (or dess-ee, as she apparently calls her) and is very sadfaces when she sees it's MA and claud and not jessi. and we are hilariously informed that marnie has "a huge crush" on jessi these days.
marnie asks "where dess-ee?" and madeleine decides to be a super bitch and say, "jessi's dead!" then continues on in the same disturbing manner, "jessi's dead, miss raymond's dead, my whole school is dead, i'm dead!" and takes off, leaving marnie so freaked out she starts scream-crying. (or wailing, as they say.) the house descends into chaos. lindsey hits suzi, buddy calls out again asking if his time out is over. the timer for the time outs goes off and he and lindsey run up and down stairs, respectively. marnie is still crying about the death of her lover. ryan drops a plastic plate from the kitchen. ho hum. it continues on in this vein. taylor tries to tell the babysitters about his teacher and kids and school and apparently his siblings have heard this all a million times before, so buddy starts mocking him. '"my teacher's name is mrs. pimpleface," buddy said in a singsong voice, "and i'm going to poison her." lindsey and madeleine scream not to talk about school.
MA tries to level with the kids and asks if school is getting them down. no one answers, but buddy (who is playing with a game boy) starts punching buttons and says, "pow! i'm blowing up the school!" (don't say that too loud, kid, you'll get yourself locked up. oh wait, this is stoneybrook, where school shootings and shit don't exist. as you were, homicidal child, as you were…)
his step siblings begin requesting that he blow up their school as well (i guess they go to different schools?) and put a hit on a miss raymond and a margaret dumas (who is apparently lindsey's "worst enemy" and is in her class.) MA puts her arm around lindsey and says, "i know how you feel." and tells her about her own "worst enemy", alan grey, which is bizarre. you'd think it'd be cokie. but whatever, MA. she and lindsey temporarily bond over their hatred of people and buddy, still gaming away, cries, "blam! stoneybrook smellementary school bites the dust!" someone maybe keep an eye on that kid. just sayin', no reason…
MA decides to distract the kids and gets them into playing some games. they are all being quiet and calm. until claudia, who was…??? in the kitchen, i guess, decides that she's going to finally show up. "have no fear, claudia's here! art projects for everybody!" she starts dragging in easels and art supplies and telling the kids to help her and bossing everyone around, pretty much. and the calm and quiet that had been, was no more. shouting, fighting, and bullshit ensue.
MA eventually tries to confront claudia, saying that "art is great, but not everyone's so interested in it."
then more childish bullshit, with the kids making a huge mess with the cutlery that was in the dishwasher, and yada yada. MA gets progressively more pissed off with claudia, but is passive aggressive about it, as is her way. claudia bitches back at her. the kids make a huge mess with the art projects (including buddy dumping papier-mâché on madeleine's head and the kids getting purple and brown stains -- god damn, hope the brown is paint -- all over the sofa, the windows and MA's new blouse.), MA has to take care of it all.
by the end of the job, MA is so furious she "wanted to explode at claudia. but she didn't have the chance. claudia stormed away first, without saying goodbye."
and this is why they are pissed off with each other. and why they will remain pissed off with each other for pretty much the entirety of the damn book. fuuuck. grow up, girls.
Chapter Four
chapter starts off with abby up a tree hanging apples to appease kristy's delusions of turning her street into an apple orchard in which the local childrens can pick apple as part of the fall into fall festival block party, or, FIFFBP, since writing that out every damn time is just literal insanity.
kristy wants them to hang apples on strings to every single tree on mclelland road, because she is fucking nuts. she wants them to waste hours and hours of time hanging the apples, just so kids can pick them and make what i can only assume will be the world's shittiest cider. whatever. i don't care. it sounds like it's a huge waste of time.
anyway, abby wants out of the damn tree, but kristy ignores her and says that all of this BS apple hanging will "be easy and fun", as she yanks the apple off the string, causing the branch it was attached to to start wobbling and nearly causing abby to fall out of the tree (i think she did it on purpose to eliminate abby for good, just saying.) kristy pays no mind to the near accident other than to "oops, sorry" it away and bite into the apple, asking her friends what they think. i know what i think - i think she's fucking lost it.
'"it's…" jessi said.
"it's…" mallory echoed.
"insane." claudia finished.'
then we get proof that claudia isn't the only dumb club member when kristy spouts this gem:
'"that's what they said about picasso's theory of relativism." i said.
"you mean einstein." jessi said.
"picasso's theory of einstein." i corrected myself.'
WOW. just…WOW, kristy.
claudia says apples dangling over the street on strings is stupid, proving herself to be, at least in this moment, smarter than kristy. shannon mentions how much time it will take to set up, jessi agrees with shannon and mentions everything she's got on her plate that's causing her to have "zero spare time", abby says: "we could just transplant a whole orchard, that would be less work."
why not get some of the parents or charlie or someone, to drive all the kids to a damn orchard? seriously. why not skip the apple picking nonsense and save yourself some damned time? this whole apple picking thing is ridiculous.
"don't worry, guys, you'll catch the spirit." kristy says. no girl, no, i think you been drinking some spirits if you think that anyone is going to help you with this one.
and then she brings up her maple sugaring idea again. which is perhaps even crazier than the apple picking. get a load of this shit:
"it takes, like, forty gallons of sap to make one gallon of maple syrup. so what we do is water down some real maple syrup, to make a kind of fake sap. then we build a stone grill and make a fire, for boiling."
what in the fucking what now????
even mallory, who would go along with just about fucking anything the big girls tell her to do, just to feel like she belongs and is cool, says, "i think she's lost it."
'"what else, kristy?" abby laughed. "a laser light show?"
"a hay ride!" jessi giggled. "with horses."
"christmas lights will work just fine." i said. "but only the fall colors--orange, red and white. we'll have to work on that. and mrs. stone has plenty of hay in her barn. i was thinking she could line the back of her pickup truck and drive the kids around. but horses--that's not a bad idea."
go home, kristy. you're drunk.
the girls try and get her to at least simplify the insanity that is the FIFFBP but kristy's basically like, "fuck that! being rational is for losers with no imagination!" and drags them into the house to show them how the cider making portion of the FIFFBP will work, using her mom's juicer. her partially eaten apple, once "juiced", produces a few drops of "brown liquid". yum.
when watson hears that they will be hanging apples from the trees and having an ill-advised block party, he very reasonably asks, "i guess you talked to the town about a permit?"
kristy's derps out "permit?"
"you did say block party, right? i assume you want to close off the block? you do realize you have to apply for a permit to do that?"
brb. lol'ing ~*~forever!!~*~
HAHAHAHAHAHHAAHAHAA!!
ahem.
'"of course i know." i lied. "i'll call the, uh, officials before our monday meeting."'
no kristy! pull the plug! abort the mission! this is the universe's way of telling you to STOP THE MADNESS!!!
then she hears david michael outside asking, "hey, what's this string for?" and she goes out to tell all him, as well as hannie, linny, bill and melody, that they will be climbing into trees like the ape children that they are, to hang apples from strings for the FIFFBP! way to volun-tell, there, kristy.
hannie is the smartest person in the whole group, and says: "no way, i'm not climbing trees. that's dangerous." and linny adds that boiling syrup is boring. yadda yadda. another sign from the universe, kristy - NONE OF THE KIDS WANT ANY PART IN THIS SHIT. and seriously? telling the kids they have to help hang the dumb apples, for your dumb apple picking horseshit, just so they can pull them off the strings later and make cider? REALLY? if i were the kids i'd be like, "why don't we skip the dangerous hanging out of trees part and just make the cider?"
melody says that they should hang candy instead, which gives claudia an idea, obviously. "now there's an idea, we could turn the street into a candy mobile. change the theme. call it the fall into fall abstract edible art or something."
which of course gives kristy another stupid idea.
"we'll have a leaf sculpture! you know, like an ice sculpture, only better. take some autumn leaves, pile them up, twine them together into big shapes or whatever. you'll be in charge of that part." and then goes off again, "okay, now let's think of booths. we have to have some booths."
'claudia was staring at me as if i'd just sprouted antennae. me? i didn't care. i had a festival to organize, and it was a month away.
i was just warming up.'
damn it, kristy!
Chapter Five
this chapter opens with this gem:
'"so, what elephants smelling maximum news and lottery?" asked my english teacher, mr. fiske.
well, that was what it sounded like. i wasn't really paying attention.'
i hope you get an F in english, krusty.
she's writing a to-do list for the moronic FIFFBP, so she's ignoring mr. fiske to write up this mess:
'-hand pick or buy apples (3 bushels?)
[WAIT! if she could hand pick the apples, then why the hell can't they just take the kids to where ever she is going to hand pick them instead of attaching a bunch of apples to the damned trees with strings, JUST TO BE PICKED? ? WTF???!??!?]
*find out how many are in a bushel*
-make sure leaf blower has gas
-buy xmas lights
-real pumpkin masks?
-lighter fluid and coals'
but even seeing it written down, she can't see that it is literally fucking crazy.
and those "real pumpkin masks" are possibly even more crazy than the apple nonsense. but i don't know, the shit with the apples really does make me lose my shit. i don't know if i can even handle hearing about that nonsense anymore. holy fuck.
'"kristy?" mr. fiske asked.
"huh?"'
i imagine her looking up with an extreme derp-face with that "huh?" oh kristy.
the whole class is staring at her. cokie (who kristy describes as "the nemesis of my life" lol) is "snickering so hard her whole body was twitching" HA! kristy, you're a fucking dumbass.
mr. fiske is sick of your shit, kristy.
'mr. fiske let out a deep sigh. "one more time. what elements of storytelling does shirley jackson use in 'the lottery'?"
"elements?" [kristy derps]
all i could think of were hydrogen and oxygen. i had to remind myself which class i was in.'
someone smack her back to reality, please.
she derps around some more and finally cokie answers the question for her. and i agree with kristy in her assumption that cokie copied her answer out of a book, but still, BITCH, AT LEAST SHE ANSWERED THE QUESTION!
mr. fiske gives them another story to read, which has to be finished by the next day. and then he lets them know they will have a reading assignment every night and over each weekend. kristy starts shitting her pants because she doesn't know how she'll do all of this reading and still be able to baby-sit. well, girl, i'll give you the answer right now: you probably can't do both. since you can't quit school, maybe just fucking lighten the damned babysitting load?
she runs into mary anne after class and they moan about how much work they have to do in school this year. considering in every other incarnation of the 8th grade they've had, there's been practically no work and it's been 99% dances, school trips, etc, maybe it's about time they actually had some real school work to do at SMS. MA's science teacher is apparently making them set up home labs. she should've told him that with all of the food and garbage that sharon has probably forgotten all over the house, it already IS a home lab. and that she already has a great subject to experiment on - sharon's brain.
and then kristy and mary anne see a poster that will destroy kristy's world as she knows it. this will change everything you guys.
'mary anne's sentence trailed off. she was staring at a huge poster on the bulletin board outside the cafeteria. in splashy red letters, STONEYBROOK FALL FROLIC was printed over a background of bright, colourful leaves.'
oh no they di'int!
'"'a day of autumn crafts and events'," i read aloud. "'brenner field. saturday, october fifth.' whaaaat? that was the day for the fall into fall! how could they do this to me?"'
yes, kristy, "they" are doing this on purpose to ruin your life.
mary anne tries to calm her down, but it's fruitless. kristy says they'll just postpone the FIFFBP until the 12th.
MA is displeased.
'"you make it sound as if no one wants to do fall into fall." i remarked.
"i didn't say that. it's just that everyone is busy, kristy. you said yourself that school is going to be a lot of work this year."'
but kristy ain't having none of that shit. she spots claudia and MA starts freaking out, because they STILL aren't talking.
they head for the club's usual table, which is empty. MA whispers to kristy not to let claudia anywhere near her, to which kristy hilariously asks, '"can't you guys just kiss and make up?"' HAHA.
'"ask claudia. she's the one who decided not to talk to me."'
yeah, and god forbid you make the first move, mary anne.
and kristy is once again at LEAST as dumb as claudia, responding with, '"well, you weren't exactly miss congealiality yourself."
"gene. congeniality."
"whatever."'
willful ignorance is super attractive, kristy. willful ignorance brings all the girls to the yard.
claudia sits down across the table from kristy and two seats to her left, kristy thinks this is a good time to play peacemaker, but she fails. "hmm, i have this crick in my neck when i turn your way, claud. maybe you can slide over a few seats closer to my friend, mary anne."
claud and mary anne ignore her and just start eating.
abby and stacey show up. and for some reason abby has taken over kristy's lunchtime gross out duties, but kristy doesn't seem upset or disturbed that abby has stolen yet another one of her traits.
abby mentions the poster for the fall frolic and says, "guess we're off, huh?"
'"nah," i replied. we'll do in the week after."'
but, ruh roh, they CAN'T. mallory and her family are visiting cousins in pennsylvania. janine is getting a certificate from the chamber of commerce that day. ("genius of the decade of something." claudia snarks.)
kristy suggests the week after THAT, but abby's family is visiting her uncle in long island that weekend.
kristy suggests the week after THAT.
but stacey says it's the last weekend in october and her dad is taking her apple picking in the country.
'abby laughed. "how about a thanksgiving festival instead?"
"fall into winter," stacey suggested.
"we could hang snowballs from the trees." said claudia.
everyone was cracking up now. no one seemed concerned about our crisis.'
maybe because it's NOT A CRISIS???
'no one answered right away. they were all looking at each other. trying not to smile.
i could take the hint.
"great, guys," i said. "just great. i go through all the trouble to think up the most fantastic event in BSC history, and no one wants to do it. forget it, then. it won't work if i'm the only one interested." i shoved a hunk of hamburger in my mouth.
"it's not that, kristy," mary anne said.
"oh, yes, it is." abby piped up.'
haha, yeah, you tell it like it is, abby!
and then it only gets worse for kristy. claudia remembers (and actually speaks to MA!) that she has a dentist's appointment on wednesday. during meeting time.
stacey has has a check up on monday and, i'm assuming, will have to miss a meeting too,
abby wants to know if she can have a lateness clause if marching band practice goes past 5:30. kristy asks if that's some kind of joke, but no, anna thinks abby should start playing an instrument, so abby is thinking of joining the school's marching band.
kristy starts unravelling very quickly.
'what was going on here? had the baby-sitters club suddenly dropped to bottom priority? i wanted to jump up and scream at them.
i counted to twenty in my head, then said, "i knew when we changed our schedule, something like this would happen."
stacey rolled her eyes. "kristy, one thing has nothing to do with the other."'
but kristy doesn't see it that way. because of course she doesn't.
'"remember when monday, wednesday and friday used to be untouchable?" i asked. "we set up our appointments and stuff around meeting times. gladly. because we knew we had to. that was why i didn't want to change fridays. once you do something like that, you're saying the club isn't that important. now look what's happening -- a chain reaction."
"uh, i think you may be taking this a little too seriously," claudia said.
"our clients depend on us," i shot back. "that's why they keep calling back. our motto was 'one call, seven sitters' --remember? not 'one call, four or five sitters who bothered to show up and a couple of others out shopping'."'
WHOA GURL. CALM DOWN.
'"kristy, our clients don't care who's actually at the meeting," stacey said. "they can't see us."'
EXACTLY.
'"i never understood why we have to be so strict about attendance," abby added. "mary anne can book an absent member for a job."
"when you think about it, we could have the club with no members present at all," claudia remarked. "just let the answering machine pick up. i mean, we always take their information and call back anyway."'
girls, watch your step, you know what kristy does to club members who dare to apply that crazy witchcraft known as LOGIC to the club and it's rules! she gonna burn all of you at the stake for this!
'"oh, great, claudia," i said. "so why bother having meetings at all?"
"hey, relax, i wasn't serious." claudia replied. "i just meant that we can be flexible. we're busy people, kristy. we have to bend a little."
i pushed my chair back and stood up. "look. i invented the baby-sitters club. the whole idea was to work together. human-to-human contact, over the phone and in meetings. if you don't have that, you don't have a club. period."'
i can't help but read that speech as, "look, i brought all of you bitches into the world and i can damned well take you out of it!'
kristy walks off. she's not having anymore of this insubordination.
'i had completely lost my appetite.'
no, you had completely lost your mind, kristy. don't sugarcoat it.
you're only lying to yourself at this point.
--
thank you, bleeding_thorn2, for all of the encouragement while i was writing this! &to everyone else who told me i should try my hand at snarking. i hope you guys enjoyed the first five chapters and aren't bored by the lack of funny gifs and stuff, at this point i'm just praying my lj-cut will actually work. lol. &i hope you guys find this funny! oh&sorry for any typos, i tried to edit this as well as i could but text edit has a habit or auto-correcting everything, always, &making me fucking crazy.
I chose not to choose life: I chose something else. And the reasons? There are no reasons. Who need reasons when you've got babysitting?
Chapter One
this chapter is just ridiculous. kristy comes back from a family vacation to hawaii and is talking to mary anne on the phone, but everything is so chaotic in her house that she can't hear a damn word mary anne is saying. instead of telling mary anne she has to call her back later or switch to a phone in another room or fucking SOMETHING reasonable, she just continues to try and have this conversation. it's pointless.
aaaand before going on this vacation, some unidentified member of the brewer/thomas clan forgot to throw out an uncovered bowl of tuna that was in the fridge. now the kitchen smells like stacey's vag. good times.
literally everyone in this chapter is stupid. their combined IQ is residing in the negative.
when kristy finally leaves the damned crowded tuna kitchen to hear mary anne better/escape nasty fish clean-up duty, shit gets a little better. "tell me how much everyone in the bsc missed me, in fifty words or less." she begs. mary anne laughs at her. "a lot, kristy. but we survived. abby really improved as president."
and the rat in kristy's brain starts running marathons on it's wheel. the wheel of craziness. her anger is likened to a rotting turnip, apparently. and the more she hears about what a great job abby did, the more that turnip of rage "putrefies."
as she is getting off the phone with MA, she says she'll talk to her at the meeting "tomorrow", which is labor day, as MA points out. "so? the bsc's not labor," kristy lies. when MA protests, kristy reels her in with the promise of gifts from hawaii. for fuck sake, krusty, you've resorted to buying your friend's allegiance, i see.
"well…okay," mary anne said softy. "but i know jessi's family is having a big barbecue, and i think claudia was supposed to go to her aunt's house --" "don't worry, i'll call them," i said. "got to go. can't wait to see you!"
kristy feels a rush. she feels great. probably because she has taken charge. she gets off on being in control of everything.
the chapter ends with this: 'okay, i wasn't in waikiki. i wasn't watching the sun rise over the rim of an ancient volcano. but i was home. and in a day, i'd be running a baby-sitters club meeting. as far as i was concerned, life couldn't be much better than that.'
Chapter Two
whelp, kristy managed to sucker the bsc into abandoning their freedom and family's on labor day. don't tell me you're surprised! she has the world's ugliest gifts to pass out and has spent a lifetime cultivating such a high level of poor taste that she actually thinks these monstrosities are acceptable gifts worth leaving barbecue's and family get togethers for.
'claudia kishi gasped as she opened the present i'd bought her. "kristy, i don't know what to say." for all to see, she held up a pineapple-shaped clock, whose two hands were a surfer and a surfboard. "how about, 'that's the ugliest [fucking] thing i have ever seen'?" abby suggested.'
claudia, abby, stacey and mallory all laugh their lady-balls off. (mary anne 'chuckled politely.' whatever mary anne. whatever.)
the other gifts were as follows: a "hula-grass hat" (whatever the fuck that is) for abby. a toy ukulele for stacey (i scratch my head at that, wondering what about a ukulele screamed "stacey!" to kristy, but whatever. it's probably the only decent gift in the bunch.) mirrored sunglasses for mary anne. pink and blue lei-shaped clip-on earrings for mallory. why clip-ons i'll never know, we all know mal's ears are pierced. whatever.
and fucking nothing for jessi, cuz she didn't show. hahahahaha!! at least SOMEONE's parents had the brains to say, "no, you're not skipping out on a family get together for some pre-teen hitler, just because she commands it. SIT YO ASS DOWN, JESSICA."
kristy calls the meeting to order, "the first baby-sitters club luau!" and i roll my eyes to the heavens. stacey's "splinks" her ukulele in response. kristy gets down to brass tacks and demands to know where jessi is at. '"her parents wouldn't let her leave the barbecue," mallory piped up. "smart people," mumbled a voice in the hallway. claudia spun around. "who asked you?" claudia's older sister, janine, poked her head in the door. "well, they are. the last time i looked, this day was a federal holiday." ' and then janine walks off, like a fucking boss. god, i love janine.
claudia explains that janine is "sour" because they had to come home early from peach's and russ's bbq, just when russ had put duck on the grill. i guess janine likes duck? and is pissed off that she had to miss out on family time because of a child dictator's demands.
mallory chooses that moment to mention that her mom wants to know if they can end early, because poor old uncle joe is visiting from the nursing home. claudia's eyes light up, because if they leave early, there might time to go back to that duck.
kristy tries to regain control by asking if there is any new business. stacey says it's dues day and abby very wisely bitches, "on a holiday?" seriously.
'i raised an eyebrow. "after what happened this summer, i don't think we can afford to skip any dues."' i don't remember what happened in this version of summer. so, i guess they lost a lot of money. whatever. kristy admits to the reader/herself, that she knows she was being a "little" harsh, 'but hey, someone has to lay down the law.'
and then chapter two turns into a legit chapter two by explaining the club and every fucking member and their life stories. ho hum. i'll skim and see if there is anything worth noting.
ah, apparently after dawn left, kristy was "on the verge of a nervous breakdown." and then, abby appeared, like hope in human form. and all was right in kristy's world again, until…it all went horribly wrong. she couldn't QUITE control abby the way she could control the others, but instead of kicking her out, like wendy-whatshername before her, she just…inexplicably put up with being challenged.
dun, dun, dun…until now? now kristy is starting to snap. as she puts it, "now i'm having that nervous breakdown."
kristy quickly internally monologues that she is jesting, she is just kidding, you guys. abby is "great". because she's…a gung-ho athlete? aiight, krusty. and she's good for cheap laughs apparently.
whatever gets you through the day, kristy, whatever you have to tell yourself.
back to the book.
stacey is counting out the dues, i'm assuming this is a way to segue into the life and times of stacey, but there is this worth noting: '"hey, good news," stacey announced. "after we pay claudia's phone bill for the month, we'll have…uh, a positive amount in the treasury." "how positive?" i asked.'
wait for it, wait for it, because this is gonna be good.
'"three dollars and seventeen cents."
kristy's gasket blows. '"three dollars--" i blurted out. "let's celebrate!"' caludia the dumb shouts as she jumps off her bed and disappears into the candy narnia that is her closet, to retrieve a "tiny gum ball machine in the shape of a dolphin." kristy ain't falling for claudia's lame distraction noodle. '"wait a minute," i began. "we should have much more than---"
"unforeseen expenses." abby quickly piped up.'
something tells me that kristy is going to take back that "lol, just kidding!" she added after her comment about abby bringing on a nervous breakdown.
claudia starts throwing gum balls around the room, "you drop it, you lose it." yeah, claud, i think that's pretty much a given in your bedroom.
abby, responds to this by making a gigantic asshat of herself, clapping her hands and barking like a seal. aaaall riiiiiight…until she is owned by a gum ball that smacks one of her front teeth. guuurl, you're lucky it didn't break your damn tooth.
and kristy zones out because she can't take this level of bullshit, and goes back to her chapter two happy place of describing all the fucking members of the club. fuck sake. though as she is describing stacey's diabetes, she notes that she's seen stacey inject herself with insulin before and "it's not as gross as it sounds." but then this happens:
'what does a diabetic look like? well, if she's anything like stacey mcgill, stunning.' *headdesk headdesk, headfuckingdesk*
while assplaining that stacey is treasurer because she's the only one who likes math, yada yada, and what they spend all the dues on, she says, 'as you can see, running a good club is not cheap. which is why stacey should never, never have let abby mess around with the dues.' her rage is simmering, still. but she tries to keep it in check by telling us about mal and jessi. and shannon. and dawn, for some fucking reason, even though she's fucking gone and never coming back. but she's an "honorary" member. so whatever.
back to the meeting - FINALLY!
stacey's dad has super balls or just doesn't give a fuck and has bought her a ticket to a broadway show for friday. abby 'put her hands to her cheeks, like macaulay culkin in home alone. "doesn't he know it's the night of a bsc meeting?" "can he exchange it?" ' kristy has even bigger balls than stacey's dad. abby says she was joking and then stacey takes a shit down kristy's throat with this gem, "you can't exchange broadway tickets. i just wanted to let you know i won't be here." and then mallory butts in, once again, with impeccable timing, and says jessi can't make friday meetings anymore because she has a dance class starting on fridays.
and this leads to the stupidest shit ever. when they decide to switch the friday meeting to thursdays. WHY!??!?!??!?!?! why not just excuse jessi from one fucking meeting a week? THEN NONE OF THIS SHIT WOULD'VE HAPPENED.
oh, i just answered my own question. they needed this convoluted stupidity to make the plot work, and, ya know, people need to get paid. so. i headdesk forever over this shit.
i also headdesk over abby suggesting they hold friday meetings at the dance studio. and double headdesk over claudia adding, "and feed the ballerinas junk food." to which abby responds in "an announcer's voice," "welcome to swine lake." bitches. kristy begins to lose her shit. '"whoa, guys, this is serious." i said. "the year hasn't even started and everyone's ducking out." they bitch back and forth about changing friday's meetings to thursday, which kristy refuses to do (GOOD. EXCUSE JESSI FROM THE MEETING!!!) '"so jessi has to quit ballet?" mallory asked. i shrugged. "or the bsc."' mary anne tries to be the voice of reason "we could just try thursday meetings for awhile, kristy. or excuse jessi from fridays." but nope, abby announces they put changing the meeting to thursday to a vote. they vote and kristy loses her shit even more. '"uh, excuse me." i said. "did i miss something? i thought i was the president and you were my temporary replacement." abby bowed her head low. "sorry, my liege."' and i laugh and laugh and laugh. fuck you, kristy. everyone else thinks it's funny as well and they giggle "like monkeys."
'"very funny," i snapped. "did you all stop taking this club seriously while i was gone, or just abby?"'
they try to protest that they have been taking this dumb shit seriously and that they made a shit ton of money at the mexican festival that they did while krusty was on vacation. mallory, oh, mallory, butts in again with, "you would have been proud." that poor bitch just can't help but say the wrong things at the wrong times during this meeting.
'proud of abby's idea? right. look what it had done. the whole club had been abbified. everyone had grown lazy while i was gone.
or maybe they weren't lazy. maybe i was being too stubborn. (hard to imagine, i know.) sometimes you have to give a little to keep people happy.
i realized it was time to snap back. win everyone back to my side. i had to come up with an idea of my own. a fantastic project to kick off the new school year.'
and then the rat in kristy's head flies off it's wheel, and spins completely out of fucking control.
'"okay, thursday meetings." i relented. "now let's move onto something new. the fall into fall festival block party."'
kristy admits that she has not a damn clue what this festival is. all she has is a name. but she can't control herself. she has officially lost her shit and will only continue to lose it even more as we continue through this tale of madness and obsession.
'i barrelled on anyway."look, the summer's over. families are returning to stoneybrook. some of the parents haven't seen us since the spring. what's on their minds? school supplies, classroom numbers, clothing, groceries. well, we have to add one more ingredient to that list--and you know what it is, guys."
claudia nodded sagely. "ring-dings. they go great in lunch boxes."'
i pipe up, "valium. they fucking need it dealing with you bitches."
'"no!" i snapped. "the babysitters club. that's where the fall into fall festival block party comes in. we'll close off mclelland road on a saturday. advertise all over town. have the best fall activities. apple picking, cider making, maple sugaring--"'
*slams head into desk.*
mallory is the only one loyal/desperate for approval enough to want to hear her finish this shit. give up mallory, get away now, kristy's going off the rails on a crazy train. back away. but make sure to back away slowly, she's got that insane gleam in her eyes again. wait till you get to the street, then fucking run. run like the wind, mallory!
'it was taking shape right in my little brain. growing. turning into a real kristy thomas winner.
forget about the mexican festival. this was going to be the event of the century.'
oh ho, it'll be something all right…a big steaming pile of shit, is what it will be. have fun with that, kristy.
thank goodness this chapter is over.
Chapter Three
babysitting chapter. mary anne writes what is probably the shortest and least detailed notebook entry ever in these books. "claudia and me. barrett/dewitts. kids difficult. nervous about the school year. played games. art, too." kristy states that no, MA and claudia were not studying shorthand, they were just "in bad moods." (pissed off is more like it.)
kristy says that at first she didn't notice that MA and claudia were majorly pissed off with one another, because "the whole room felt kind of toxic during our wednesday meeting." no shit. abby was upset with her about what she'd said monday. stacey was stressing about a social studies project. jessi was apologizing excessively about her ballet class being on fridays (forgot to mention, the classes started at 5:15. so there was literally no way she could go to the friday meetings.) MA spends "practically the whole meeting hunched over the record book, with her hair in front of her face." (avoiding claudia, methinks), mallory spent the meeting comforting jessi. claudia, also obviously ignoring MA, is staring blankly out the window (probably internally monologuing eternal chapter twos or something) and eating doritos (lucky bitch, i'd kill for some right now.)
things were still shit during the first thursday meeting. krusty is brain farting because she keeps thinking it's friday and she won't have school the next day. and, to my great amusement, they get exactly ZERO calls. even though they spent the entire week calling clients to let them know about the change as well as putting up new fliers. (hey kristy, maybe no one called because they called to book the jobs the day before? that could be part of it.) here is there new flier, because it made me roll my eyes:
"attention all parents!
***bulletin!!!***
the baby-sitters club announces
it's new, improved schedule:
monday, wednesday and thursday
5:30 to 6:00
same great service--more convenient hours!"
lol, okay, they really tried to spin it like this was a great change that was, as they put it, "more convenient!" um, you guys switched one meeting day. it's not really more convenient. whatever girls.
anyway, they apparently moped through the meeting and then went home. boo hoo.
that evening kristy calls mary anne, thinking that it will cheer her up. until MA fills her in on "every gory detail" of that babysitting job she had with claudia.
as soon as they arrive, they are informed by mrs. barrett (i refuse to call her mrs. dewitt, i'm just stubborn like that.) that buddy and lindsey are having time outs, taylor and suzi aren't allowed to watch tv and none of the kids are allowed to have cookies until the next day. mrs. b gets the hell outta there as soon as she's done telling them this. as soon as the door closes behind her, buddy starts screaming to ask if his time out is over and marnie starts calling for jessi (or dess-ee, as she apparently calls her) and is very sadfaces when she sees it's MA and claud and not jessi. and we are hilariously informed that marnie has "a huge crush" on jessi these days.
marnie asks "where dess-ee?" and madeleine decides to be a super bitch and say, "jessi's dead!" then continues on in the same disturbing manner, "jessi's dead, miss raymond's dead, my whole school is dead, i'm dead!" and takes off, leaving marnie so freaked out she starts scream-crying. (or wailing, as they say.) the house descends into chaos. lindsey hits suzi, buddy calls out again asking if his time out is over. the timer for the time outs goes off and he and lindsey run up and down stairs, respectively. marnie is still crying about the death of her lover. ryan drops a plastic plate from the kitchen. ho hum. it continues on in this vein. taylor tries to tell the babysitters about his teacher and kids and school and apparently his siblings have heard this all a million times before, so buddy starts mocking him. '"my teacher's name is mrs. pimpleface," buddy said in a singsong voice, "and i'm going to poison her." lindsey and madeleine scream not to talk about school.
MA tries to level with the kids and asks if school is getting them down. no one answers, but buddy (who is playing with a game boy) starts punching buttons and says, "pow! i'm blowing up the school!" (don't say that too loud, kid, you'll get yourself locked up. oh wait, this is stoneybrook, where school shootings and shit don't exist. as you were, homicidal child, as you were…)
his step siblings begin requesting that he blow up their school as well (i guess they go to different schools?) and put a hit on a miss raymond and a margaret dumas (who is apparently lindsey's "worst enemy" and is in her class.) MA puts her arm around lindsey and says, "i know how you feel." and tells her about her own "worst enemy", alan grey, which is bizarre. you'd think it'd be cokie. but whatever, MA. she and lindsey temporarily bond over their hatred of people and buddy, still gaming away, cries, "blam! stoneybrook smellementary school bites the dust!" someone maybe keep an eye on that kid. just sayin', no reason…
MA decides to distract the kids and gets them into playing some games. they are all being quiet and calm. until claudia, who was…??? in the kitchen, i guess, decides that she's going to finally show up. "have no fear, claudia's here! art projects for everybody!" she starts dragging in easels and art supplies and telling the kids to help her and bossing everyone around, pretty much. and the calm and quiet that had been, was no more. shouting, fighting, and bullshit ensue.
MA eventually tries to confront claudia, saying that "art is great, but not everyone's so interested in it."
then more childish bullshit, with the kids making a huge mess with the cutlery that was in the dishwasher, and yada yada. MA gets progressively more pissed off with claudia, but is passive aggressive about it, as is her way. claudia bitches back at her. the kids make a huge mess with the art projects (including buddy dumping papier-mâché on madeleine's head and the kids getting purple and brown stains -- god damn, hope the brown is paint -- all over the sofa, the windows and MA's new blouse.), MA has to take care of it all.
by the end of the job, MA is so furious she "wanted to explode at claudia. but she didn't have the chance. claudia stormed away first, without saying goodbye."
and this is why they are pissed off with each other. and why they will remain pissed off with each other for pretty much the entirety of the damn book. fuuuck. grow up, girls.
Chapter Four
chapter starts off with abby up a tree hanging apples to appease kristy's delusions of turning her street into an apple orchard in which the local childrens can pick apple as part of the fall into fall festival block party, or, FIFFBP, since writing that out every damn time is just literal insanity.
kristy wants them to hang apples on strings to every single tree on mclelland road, because she is fucking nuts. she wants them to waste hours and hours of time hanging the apples, just so kids can pick them and make what i can only assume will be the world's shittiest cider. whatever. i don't care. it sounds like it's a huge waste of time.
anyway, abby wants out of the damn tree, but kristy ignores her and says that all of this BS apple hanging will "be easy and fun", as she yanks the apple off the string, causing the branch it was attached to to start wobbling and nearly causing abby to fall out of the tree (i think she did it on purpose to eliminate abby for good, just saying.) kristy pays no mind to the near accident other than to "oops, sorry" it away and bite into the apple, asking her friends what they think. i know what i think - i think she's fucking lost it.
'"it's…" jessi said.
"it's…" mallory echoed.
"insane." claudia finished.'
then we get proof that claudia isn't the only dumb club member when kristy spouts this gem:
'"that's what they said about picasso's theory of relativism." i said.
"you mean einstein." jessi said.
"picasso's theory of einstein." i corrected myself.'
WOW. just…WOW, kristy.
claudia says apples dangling over the street on strings is stupid, proving herself to be, at least in this moment, smarter than kristy. shannon mentions how much time it will take to set up, jessi agrees with shannon and mentions everything she's got on her plate that's causing her to have "zero spare time", abby says: "we could just transplant a whole orchard, that would be less work."
why not get some of the parents or charlie or someone, to drive all the kids to a damn orchard? seriously. why not skip the apple picking nonsense and save yourself some damned time? this whole apple picking thing is ridiculous.
"don't worry, guys, you'll catch the spirit." kristy says. no girl, no, i think you been drinking some spirits if you think that anyone is going to help you with this one.
and then she brings up her maple sugaring idea again. which is perhaps even crazier than the apple picking. get a load of this shit:
"it takes, like, forty gallons of sap to make one gallon of maple syrup. so what we do is water down some real maple syrup, to make a kind of fake sap. then we build a stone grill and make a fire, for boiling."
what in the fucking what now????
even mallory, who would go along with just about fucking anything the big girls tell her to do, just to feel like she belongs and is cool, says, "i think she's lost it."
'"what else, kristy?" abby laughed. "a laser light show?"
"a hay ride!" jessi giggled. "with horses."
"christmas lights will work just fine." i said. "but only the fall colors--orange, red and white. we'll have to work on that. and mrs. stone has plenty of hay in her barn. i was thinking she could line the back of her pickup truck and drive the kids around. but horses--that's not a bad idea."
go home, kristy. you're drunk.
the girls try and get her to at least simplify the insanity that is the FIFFBP but kristy's basically like, "fuck that! being rational is for losers with no imagination!" and drags them into the house to show them how the cider making portion of the FIFFBP will work, using her mom's juicer. her partially eaten apple, once "juiced", produces a few drops of "brown liquid". yum.
when watson hears that they will be hanging apples from the trees and having an ill-advised block party, he very reasonably asks, "i guess you talked to the town about a permit?"
kristy's derps out "permit?"
"you did say block party, right? i assume you want to close off the block? you do realize you have to apply for a permit to do that?"
brb. lol'ing ~*~forever!!~*~
HAHAHAHAHAHHAAHAHAA!!
ahem.
'"of course i know." i lied. "i'll call the, uh, officials before our monday meeting."'
no kristy! pull the plug! abort the mission! this is the universe's way of telling you to STOP THE MADNESS!!!
then she hears david michael outside asking, "hey, what's this string for?" and she goes out to tell all him, as well as hannie, linny, bill and melody, that they will be climbing into trees like the ape children that they are, to hang apples from strings for the FIFFBP! way to volun-tell, there, kristy.
hannie is the smartest person in the whole group, and says: "no way, i'm not climbing trees. that's dangerous." and linny adds that boiling syrup is boring. yadda yadda. another sign from the universe, kristy - NONE OF THE KIDS WANT ANY PART IN THIS SHIT. and seriously? telling the kids they have to help hang the dumb apples, for your dumb apple picking horseshit, just so they can pull them off the strings later and make cider? REALLY? if i were the kids i'd be like, "why don't we skip the dangerous hanging out of trees part and just make the cider?"
melody says that they should hang candy instead, which gives claudia an idea, obviously. "now there's an idea, we could turn the street into a candy mobile. change the theme. call it the fall into fall abstract edible art or something."
which of course gives kristy another stupid idea.
"we'll have a leaf sculpture! you know, like an ice sculpture, only better. take some autumn leaves, pile them up, twine them together into big shapes or whatever. you'll be in charge of that part." and then goes off again, "okay, now let's think of booths. we have to have some booths."
'claudia was staring at me as if i'd just sprouted antennae. me? i didn't care. i had a festival to organize, and it was a month away.
i was just warming up.'
damn it, kristy!
Chapter Five
this chapter opens with this gem:
'"so, what elephants smelling maximum news and lottery?" asked my english teacher, mr. fiske.
well, that was what it sounded like. i wasn't really paying attention.'
i hope you get an F in english, krusty.
she's writing a to-do list for the moronic FIFFBP, so she's ignoring mr. fiske to write up this mess:
'-hand pick or buy apples (3 bushels?)
[WAIT! if she could hand pick the apples, then why the hell can't they just take the kids to where ever she is going to hand pick them instead of attaching a bunch of apples to the damned trees with strings, JUST TO BE PICKED? ? WTF???!??!?]
*find out how many are in a bushel*
-make sure leaf blower has gas
-buy xmas lights
-real pumpkin masks?
-lighter fluid and coals'
but even seeing it written down, she can't see that it is literally fucking crazy.
and those "real pumpkin masks" are possibly even more crazy than the apple nonsense. but i don't know, the shit with the apples really does make me lose my shit. i don't know if i can even handle hearing about that nonsense anymore. holy fuck.
'"kristy?" mr. fiske asked.
"huh?"'
i imagine her looking up with an extreme derp-face with that "huh?" oh kristy.
the whole class is staring at her. cokie (who kristy describes as "the nemesis of my life" lol) is "snickering so hard her whole body was twitching" HA! kristy, you're a fucking dumbass.
mr. fiske is sick of your shit, kristy.
'mr. fiske let out a deep sigh. "one more time. what elements of storytelling does shirley jackson use in 'the lottery'?"
"elements?" [kristy derps]
all i could think of were hydrogen and oxygen. i had to remind myself which class i was in.'
someone smack her back to reality, please.
she derps around some more and finally cokie answers the question for her. and i agree with kristy in her assumption that cokie copied her answer out of a book, but still, BITCH, AT LEAST SHE ANSWERED THE QUESTION!
mr. fiske gives them another story to read, which has to be finished by the next day. and then he lets them know they will have a reading assignment every night and over each weekend. kristy starts shitting her pants because she doesn't know how she'll do all of this reading and still be able to baby-sit. well, girl, i'll give you the answer right now: you probably can't do both. since you can't quit school, maybe just fucking lighten the damned babysitting load?
she runs into mary anne after class and they moan about how much work they have to do in school this year. considering in every other incarnation of the 8th grade they've had, there's been practically no work and it's been 99% dances, school trips, etc, maybe it's about time they actually had some real school work to do at SMS. MA's science teacher is apparently making them set up home labs. she should've told him that with all of the food and garbage that sharon has probably forgotten all over the house, it already IS a home lab. and that she already has a great subject to experiment on - sharon's brain.
and then kristy and mary anne see a poster that will destroy kristy's world as she knows it. this will change everything you guys.
'mary anne's sentence trailed off. she was staring at a huge poster on the bulletin board outside the cafeteria. in splashy red letters, STONEYBROOK FALL FROLIC was printed over a background of bright, colourful leaves.'
oh no they di'int!
'"'a day of autumn crafts and events'," i read aloud. "'brenner field. saturday, october fifth.' whaaaat? that was the day for the fall into fall! how could they do this to me?"'
yes, kristy, "they" are doing this on purpose to ruin your life.
mary anne tries to calm her down, but it's fruitless. kristy says they'll just postpone the FIFFBP until the 12th.
MA is displeased.
'"you make it sound as if no one wants to do fall into fall." i remarked.
"i didn't say that. it's just that everyone is busy, kristy. you said yourself that school is going to be a lot of work this year."'
but kristy ain't having none of that shit. she spots claudia and MA starts freaking out, because they STILL aren't talking.
they head for the club's usual table, which is empty. MA whispers to kristy not to let claudia anywhere near her, to which kristy hilariously asks, '"can't you guys just kiss and make up?"' HAHA.
'"ask claudia. she's the one who decided not to talk to me."'
yeah, and god forbid you make the first move, mary anne.
and kristy is once again at LEAST as dumb as claudia, responding with, '"well, you weren't exactly miss congealiality yourself."
"gene. congeniality."
"whatever."'
willful ignorance is super attractive, kristy. willful ignorance brings all the girls to the yard.
claudia sits down across the table from kristy and two seats to her left, kristy thinks this is a good time to play peacemaker, but she fails. "hmm, i have this crick in my neck when i turn your way, claud. maybe you can slide over a few seats closer to my friend, mary anne."
claud and mary anne ignore her and just start eating.
abby and stacey show up. and for some reason abby has taken over kristy's lunchtime gross out duties, but kristy doesn't seem upset or disturbed that abby has stolen yet another one of her traits.
abby mentions the poster for the fall frolic and says, "guess we're off, huh?"
'"nah," i replied. we'll do in the week after."'
but, ruh roh, they CAN'T. mallory and her family are visiting cousins in pennsylvania. janine is getting a certificate from the chamber of commerce that day. ("genius of the decade of something." claudia snarks.)
kristy suggests the week after THAT, but abby's family is visiting her uncle in long island that weekend.
kristy suggests the week after THAT.
but stacey says it's the last weekend in october and her dad is taking her apple picking in the country.
'abby laughed. "how about a thanksgiving festival instead?"
"fall into winter," stacey suggested.
"we could hang snowballs from the trees." said claudia.
everyone was cracking up now. no one seemed concerned about our crisis.'
maybe because it's NOT A CRISIS???
'no one answered right away. they were all looking at each other. trying not to smile.
i could take the hint.
"great, guys," i said. "just great. i go through all the trouble to think up the most fantastic event in BSC history, and no one wants to do it. forget it, then. it won't work if i'm the only one interested." i shoved a hunk of hamburger in my mouth.
"it's not that, kristy," mary anne said.
"oh, yes, it is." abby piped up.'
haha, yeah, you tell it like it is, abby!
and then it only gets worse for kristy. claudia remembers (and actually speaks to MA!) that she has a dentist's appointment on wednesday. during meeting time.
stacey has has a check up on monday and, i'm assuming, will have to miss a meeting too,
abby wants to know if she can have a lateness clause if marching band practice goes past 5:30. kristy asks if that's some kind of joke, but no, anna thinks abby should start playing an instrument, so abby is thinking of joining the school's marching band.
kristy starts unravelling very quickly.
'what was going on here? had the baby-sitters club suddenly dropped to bottom priority? i wanted to jump up and scream at them.
i counted to twenty in my head, then said, "i knew when we changed our schedule, something like this would happen."
stacey rolled her eyes. "kristy, one thing has nothing to do with the other."'
but kristy doesn't see it that way. because of course she doesn't.
'"remember when monday, wednesday and friday used to be untouchable?" i asked. "we set up our appointments and stuff around meeting times. gladly. because we knew we had to. that was why i didn't want to change fridays. once you do something like that, you're saying the club isn't that important. now look what's happening -- a chain reaction."
"uh, i think you may be taking this a little too seriously," claudia said.
"our clients depend on us," i shot back. "that's why they keep calling back. our motto was 'one call, seven sitters' --remember? not 'one call, four or five sitters who bothered to show up and a couple of others out shopping'."'
WHOA GURL. CALM DOWN.
'"kristy, our clients don't care who's actually at the meeting," stacey said. "they can't see us."'
EXACTLY.
'"i never understood why we have to be so strict about attendance," abby added. "mary anne can book an absent member for a job."
"when you think about it, we could have the club with no members present at all," claudia remarked. "just let the answering machine pick up. i mean, we always take their information and call back anyway."'
girls, watch your step, you know what kristy does to club members who dare to apply that crazy witchcraft known as LOGIC to the club and it's rules! she gonna burn all of you at the stake for this!
'"oh, great, claudia," i said. "so why bother having meetings at all?"
"hey, relax, i wasn't serious." claudia replied. "i just meant that we can be flexible. we're busy people, kristy. we have to bend a little."
i pushed my chair back and stood up. "look. i invented the baby-sitters club. the whole idea was to work together. human-to-human contact, over the phone and in meetings. if you don't have that, you don't have a club. period."'
i can't help but read that speech as, "look, i brought all of you bitches into the world and i can damned well take you out of it!'
kristy walks off. she's not having anymore of this insubordination.
'i had completely lost my appetite.'
no, you had completely lost your mind, kristy. don't sugarcoat it.
you're only lying to yourself at this point.
--
thank you, bleeding_thorn2, for all of the encouragement while i was writing this! &to everyone else who told me i should try my hand at snarking. i hope you guys enjoyed the first five chapters and aren't bored by the lack of funny gifs and stuff, at this point i'm just praying my lj-cut will actually work. lol. &i hope you guys find this funny! oh&sorry for any typos, i tried to edit this as well as i could but text edit has a habit or auto-correcting everything, always, &making me fucking crazy.