#38 Kristy's Mystery Admirer Part II (Chapters 5-8)
Part I: http://bsc-snark.livejournal.com/497746.html
When we last left Kristy, she was kickin' it with her rarely seen galpal Shannon, receiving mysterious love letters, and coaching her crappy softball team.
Chapter 5
I have all these books on my Kindle in e-book format, so the handwritten notebook entries don't show up in the fonts used for each baby-sitter.
This is the only saving grace of these goddamn baby-sitting chapters.
Stacey is baby-sitting for the Astonishing Perkins Sisters and she gets to hang out with Shannon! The two ladies meet at another Krushers practice. Don't forget the Krushers' youngest player: Gabby Perkins, despite being 2.5 years old, can speak in complete sentences, has the hand-eye coordination to hold and swing a wiffle bat, and has achieved nuclear fission in her baby sister's sippy cup.
I hate the chapters that start out with a notebook entry and then flip to a completely different scene. The first non-handwritten scene of the chapter is Kristy waking up at ass o'clock to get the newspaper and discovering another note on her doormat. There's some blah blah about the paper girl's incredible aim.
The note is more of the same sappy crap, and Kristy says that she wishes the I was dotted with a heart this time. Also, the note says she's as beautiful as a snow-covered mountain. 13 year old boys don't talk like that, but okay. And then another note arrives later that day. It talks a lot about love. Kristy has a lot of feels about it despite not knowing who the fuck sent it to her.
Now we're on our way the softball practice with Stacey and the most interesting children in the world. She puts hats on the kids' heads to protect them from the sun, and then Stacey dons "a very distant fedora."
I'm going to digress for just a moment here. Usually I hate the assumption that anyone who wears a fedora is automatically a neckbeard, kid toucher, or brony. My fiancé wears a fedora from time to time and he looks sexy as hale.
However, I'm torn because I hate Stacey and I want to make a joke about fedoras at her expense. So I'll just leave this here:
Laura sleeps through the entire practice because she's a miracle baby. Kristy sees Stacey and runs to her, completely ignoring a gaggle of kids that now lack supervision since she ran away. Smooth move, Coach.
Kristy, Shannon, and Stacey all say hi to one another, and then Shannon calls Kristy out to start the damn practice already. She calls them "a bit zooey."
She doesn't know either.
Stacey and Shannon are described as talking "amicably" which comes off as an underlying tension between the two girls (at least to me). Shannon explains why the ghost writers never include her and why they decided to cram her into this book, and isn't that super?
The Krushers cheerleaders were mentioned in the previous softball chapter, but they're featured more here and later on in the book. The cheer squad is Vanessa Pike, Hayley Braddock, and Charlotte Johanssen. I didn't know those three were so tight, especially since Char's BFF Becca Ramsey is nowhere to be found at these games.
Practice is going well for a team of known fuck-ups. Jamie Newton and Claire Pike didn't even drag them down for a change! Also Mallory's mentioned for like a second as she's there with the Kuhn kids, another family I don't recall that much and therefore care about almost less than I do Mal.
Kristy calls up Stacey, as described in the passive voice, and she tells Stacey that she and Bart have set up The World Series of Dice between their teams.
It's one game between the two teams, winner take all.
Also Kristy asked Bart to the Halloween Hop! OMGWTFBBQ!
…why didn't the ghost writer actually WRITE this conversation between Bart and Kristy? Jesus Christ this is awful writing. This is not a TV show where shit can happen off camera and we get filled in later on. Also, it would have been really cute to have those two interact in real time over a dance.
Stacey laughs in Kristy's face because she's a bitch. Then she's hell bent on making Kristy over for the dance. Homegirl needs to lay off the Say Yes to the Dress marathons.
Chapter 6
Kristy tortures herself and the BSC with some unidentified gross shit she bought at the SMS cafeteria. Mary Anne and Logan aren't having it.
Then Dawn fires up her bitchmobile and out of the CLEAR BLUE SKY throws out this shady gem:
"Of all the people at this table, who would think that she would have a mystery admirer?" She being Kristy.
I guess it could be in reference to the gross possible food item, but god damn, Dawn. Remove your tampon and then drive.
They chat about baby-sitting because their lives revolve around little kids. Jenny P is described as "hard to distinguish from lace curtains."
Category is, window treatment ELEGANZA!
They talk about their dates for the Halloween Hop. Claudia wants to go with a teen boy named Woody Jefferson, and every time I read this poor bastard's name I saw Woody Harrelson:
Dawn is so cool ah mah gawd because she's going alone. She's so self-assured that she has to be defensive about it. Go on, girl. I actually think it's an incredibly positive and ballsy move for a teen girl to go to a dance alone, but of course Dawn ruins it because she's a life ruiner.
Oh and there's another note!
Cokie Mason and the other Mean Girls of SMS are suddenly present, skulking around and plotting revenge. I guess. Logan's "girl talk" sense suddenly goes haywire so he peaces the fuck out.
Kristy shows the love letters to her crew and they analyze them. Kristy saved the envelopes because she likes the stickers on them, which is pretty cute. Cokie is "peering rudely" at them and I suppose this qualifies as her crew throwing shade. Cokie's crew leaves all their trays and trash and stuff behind at the lunch table and Kristy calls them pigs.
The BSC reminisces about the last Halloween in their time warp universe when Cokie committed some boring bitchery to try to get Logan or some shit.
Kristy baby-sits for DM and Emily and explains that Nannie, her grandma, isn't a regular grandmother.
I swear I'm not trying to shade Nannie here. I think she's a badass. She reminds me of my grandmother. But Kristy's descriptions of her come off as tryhard, so.
The doorbell rings. Another note arrives!
Except this one is kinda creepy. It mentions love, but hints at an unhappy ending.
Uh oh.
Kristy begs Shannon to come over and they discuss the possibility that Bart has gone to the dark side.
And this is her date to the Halloween dance!
Chapter 7
I honestly couldn't tell this was a two-person notebook entry, what with the standardized text on my Kindle. Then I realized it was Mal and Jessi WRITING BACK AND FORTH IN THE SAME BOOK ON THE SAME PAGE and Dear lord I wish I was dead.
Also, they're sitting for the Pikes and now I really wish I was dead.
The Pike kids are jazzed about Halloween and I can't blame them. Even as I'm in my 30s, I fucking love Halloween. As I kid I went apeshit crazy for costumes, candy, class parties, and parades.
The kids shade one another for their costume choices and come up with an idea for a haunted house set up for Halloween. Then they start talking about the World Series of Dice and Vanessa comes up with the idea for the Krushers cheer squad to cheer in Halloween costumes.
They pick the Three Stooges. I don't get it either.
The triplets are pressed that they didn't think about that idea seeing as there's three of them and that's all we ever hear about those characters, and they get doubly pressed when Vanessa tells them they can be the Three Stooges too. Because see, once girls touch something it's immediately violated and wrong and loses all material value.
Nicky, Claire, and Margo practice softball in the backyard and Nicky is screaming about hitting a home run. Something, once again, that is not described in real time in the narration.
I hate you, ghost writer.
Chapter 8
It's another meeting Monday. Kristy's majorly out of it because 5:31 passes and she hasn't called the meeting to order. She hasn't collected the dues. What would Xenu do?
Kristy is spooked after the four new notes she received, which have been progressive creepier and more unsettling. One directly mentioned Kristy's death, which is not okay at all. Another threatens Kristy's life by saying "I'm coming to get you."
Again they blame Sam because boys will be boys amirite but Kristy shoots that down. Kristy must have had some of the Kool Aid because she's starting to think that Bart is psychotic and she's entertaining all kinds of violent kidnapping scenarios.
The girls are frightened that Kristy's date to the dance is a psycho!
The ghost writer throws Mallory a bone and makes her the voice of reason. She tells Kristy that nobody knows that Bart is sending the notes. Stacey is more concerned by Kristy's reluctance to take Bart to the dance than the idea that someone is stalking and threatening her. She says Kristy can't uninvite Bart and she encourages her friend to confront her possible stalker.
Stacey, you're a shitty friend.
More mistakes, I mean, baby-sitting jobs, are scheduled between intervals on the discussion of Bart the possible psycho.
Kristy gets caught up in more of those kidnapping scenarios because Watson is a millionaire and she's just collateral. Someone get Liam Neeson on the case!
Later that night Kristy's all worked up about the situation. To be frank, I would be too. She receives no word that some crazy is about to get her, but that doesn't ease her mind.
Also her homework isn't done. Save us, Xenu.
Part II is OVAH! Until next time, and Part III.
When we last left Kristy, she was kickin' it with her rarely seen galpal Shannon, receiving mysterious love letters, and coaching her crappy softball team.
Chapter 5
I have all these books on my Kindle in e-book format, so the handwritten notebook entries don't show up in the fonts used for each baby-sitter.
This is the only saving grace of these goddamn baby-sitting chapters.
Stacey is baby-sitting for the Astonishing Perkins Sisters and she gets to hang out with Shannon! The two ladies meet at another Krushers practice. Don't forget the Krushers' youngest player: Gabby Perkins, despite being 2.5 years old, can speak in complete sentences, has the hand-eye coordination to hold and swing a wiffle bat, and has achieved nuclear fission in her baby sister's sippy cup.
I hate the chapters that start out with a notebook entry and then flip to a completely different scene. The first non-handwritten scene of the chapter is Kristy waking up at ass o'clock to get the newspaper and discovering another note on her doormat. There's some blah blah about the paper girl's incredible aim.
The note is more of the same sappy crap, and Kristy says that she wishes the I was dotted with a heart this time. Also, the note says she's as beautiful as a snow-covered mountain. 13 year old boys don't talk like that, but okay. And then another note arrives later that day. It talks a lot about love. Kristy has a lot of feels about it despite not knowing who the fuck sent it to her.
Now we're on our way the softball practice with Stacey and the most interesting children in the world. She puts hats on the kids' heads to protect them from the sun, and then Stacey dons "a very distant fedora."
I'm going to digress for just a moment here. Usually I hate the assumption that anyone who wears a fedora is automatically a neckbeard, kid toucher, or brony. My fiancé wears a fedora from time to time and he looks sexy as hale.
However, I'm torn because I hate Stacey and I want to make a joke about fedoras at her expense. So I'll just leave this here:
Laura sleeps through the entire practice because she's a miracle baby. Kristy sees Stacey and runs to her, completely ignoring a gaggle of kids that now lack supervision since she ran away. Smooth move, Coach.
Kristy, Shannon, and Stacey all say hi to one another, and then Shannon calls Kristy out to start the damn practice already. She calls them "a bit zooey."
She doesn't know either.
Stacey and Shannon are described as talking "amicably" which comes off as an underlying tension between the two girls (at least to me). Shannon explains why the ghost writers never include her and why they decided to cram her into this book, and isn't that super?
The Krushers cheerleaders were mentioned in the previous softball chapter, but they're featured more here and later on in the book. The cheer squad is Vanessa Pike, Hayley Braddock, and Charlotte Johanssen. I didn't know those three were so tight, especially since Char's BFF Becca Ramsey is nowhere to be found at these games.
Practice is going well for a team of known fuck-ups. Jamie Newton and Claire Pike didn't even drag them down for a change! Also Mallory's mentioned for like a second as she's there with the Kuhn kids, another family I don't recall that much and therefore care about almost less than I do Mal.
Kristy calls up Stacey, as described in the passive voice, and she tells Stacey that she and Bart have set up The World Series of Dice between their teams.
It's one game between the two teams, winner take all.
Also Kristy asked Bart to the Halloween Hop! OMGWTFBBQ!
…why didn't the ghost writer actually WRITE this conversation between Bart and Kristy? Jesus Christ this is awful writing. This is not a TV show where shit can happen off camera and we get filled in later on. Also, it would have been really cute to have those two interact in real time over a dance.
Stacey laughs in Kristy's face because she's a bitch. Then she's hell bent on making Kristy over for the dance. Homegirl needs to lay off the Say Yes to the Dress marathons.
Chapter 6
Kristy tortures herself and the BSC with some unidentified gross shit she bought at the SMS cafeteria. Mary Anne and Logan aren't having it.
Then Dawn fires up her bitchmobile and out of the CLEAR BLUE SKY throws out this shady gem:
"Of all the people at this table, who would think that she would have a mystery admirer?" She being Kristy.
I guess it could be in reference to the gross possible food item, but god damn, Dawn. Remove your tampon and then drive.
They chat about baby-sitting because their lives revolve around little kids. Jenny P is described as "hard to distinguish from lace curtains."
Category is, window treatment ELEGANZA!
They talk about their dates for the Halloween Hop. Claudia wants to go with a teen boy named Woody Jefferson, and every time I read this poor bastard's name I saw Woody Harrelson:
Dawn is so cool ah mah gawd because she's going alone. She's so self-assured that she has to be defensive about it. Go on, girl. I actually think it's an incredibly positive and ballsy move for a teen girl to go to a dance alone, but of course Dawn ruins it because she's a life ruiner.
Oh and there's another note!
Cokie Mason and the other Mean Girls of SMS are suddenly present, skulking around and plotting revenge. I guess. Logan's "girl talk" sense suddenly goes haywire so he peaces the fuck out.
Kristy shows the love letters to her crew and they analyze them. Kristy saved the envelopes because she likes the stickers on them, which is pretty cute. Cokie is "peering rudely" at them and I suppose this qualifies as her crew throwing shade. Cokie's crew leaves all their trays and trash and stuff behind at the lunch table and Kristy calls them pigs.
The BSC reminisces about the last Halloween in their time warp universe when Cokie committed some boring bitchery to try to get Logan or some shit.
Kristy baby-sits for DM and Emily and explains that Nannie, her grandma, isn't a regular grandmother.
I swear I'm not trying to shade Nannie here. I think she's a badass. She reminds me of my grandmother. But Kristy's descriptions of her come off as tryhard, so.
The doorbell rings. Another note arrives!
Except this one is kinda creepy. It mentions love, but hints at an unhappy ending.
Uh oh.
Kristy begs Shannon to come over and they discuss the possibility that Bart has gone to the dark side.
And this is her date to the Halloween dance!
Click to viewChapter 7
I honestly couldn't tell this was a two-person notebook entry, what with the standardized text on my Kindle. Then I realized it was Mal and Jessi WRITING BACK AND FORTH IN THE SAME BOOK ON THE SAME PAGE and Dear lord I wish I was dead.
Also, they're sitting for the Pikes and now I really wish I was dead.
The Pike kids are jazzed about Halloween and I can't blame them. Even as I'm in my 30s, I fucking love Halloween. As I kid I went apeshit crazy for costumes, candy, class parties, and parades.
The kids shade one another for their costume choices and come up with an idea for a haunted house set up for Halloween. Then they start talking about the World Series of Dice and Vanessa comes up with the idea for the Krushers cheer squad to cheer in Halloween costumes.
They pick the Three Stooges. I don't get it either.
The triplets are pressed that they didn't think about that idea seeing as there's three of them and that's all we ever hear about those characters, and they get doubly pressed when Vanessa tells them they can be the Three Stooges too. Because see, once girls touch something it's immediately violated and wrong and loses all material value.
Nicky, Claire, and Margo practice softball in the backyard and Nicky is screaming about hitting a home run. Something, once again, that is not described in real time in the narration.
I hate you, ghost writer.
Chapter 8
It's another meeting Monday. Kristy's majorly out of it because 5:31 passes and she hasn't called the meeting to order. She hasn't collected the dues. What would Xenu do?
Kristy is spooked after the four new notes she received, which have been progressive creepier and more unsettling. One directly mentioned Kristy's death, which is not okay at all. Another threatens Kristy's life by saying "I'm coming to get you."
Again they blame Sam because boys will be boys amirite but Kristy shoots that down. Kristy must have had some of the Kool Aid because she's starting to think that Bart is psychotic and she's entertaining all kinds of violent kidnapping scenarios.
The girls are frightened that Kristy's date to the dance is a psycho!
The ghost writer throws Mallory a bone and makes her the voice of reason. She tells Kristy that nobody knows that Bart is sending the notes. Stacey is more concerned by Kristy's reluctance to take Bart to the dance than the idea that someone is stalking and threatening her. She says Kristy can't uninvite Bart and she encourages her friend to confront her possible stalker.
Stacey, you're a shitty friend.
More mistakes, I mean, baby-sitting jobs, are scheduled between intervals on the discussion of Bart the possible psycho.
Kristy gets caught up in more of those kidnapping scenarios because Watson is a millionaire and she's just collateral. Someone get Liam Neeson on the case!
Later that night Kristy's all worked up about the situation. To be frank, I would be too. She receives no word that some crazy is about to get her, but that doesn't ease her mind.
Also her homework isn't done. Save us, Xenu.
Part II is OVAH! Until next time, and Part III.