#38 Kristy's Mystery Admirer Part I (Chapters 1-4)
I'm deathbytamarind. 32, Gemini, non-smoker. Longtime reader/commenter, first time snarker.
The BSC books were my life from third grade until about eighth grade. I guess once I reached the magical age of 13 I no longer found the adventures of the perpetually 13-year-old (none for Jessi and Mal bye) Stoneybrookites to be cute. I grew up reading everything as a kid, but the BSC was especially important to me. My parents were locked in an epic "win the kids' love" battle after their divorce, which meant my dad bought us a bunch of toys every time he saw us. My brother came back from Toys R Us with Power Rangers action figures (including the fully assembled Mega Ninja Zord which was pretty fucking boss). I came back with an armful of books.
I read the BSC books religiously until the series reached mid-50s, with a few gaps in between. Nowadays I read the books on my Kindle and I get through a few per week on my commutes to and from work on the bus. I'm catching up on the books I didn't get to on my initial reads, which included Kristy's Mystery Admirer. Something about this book stood out to me when I read it, so I decided to go with this one over my initial choice (Kristy and the Walking Disaster, which I will do next). Maybe it was a portrayal of Kristy as somewhat normal, long before she picked up Scientology for Dummies. This book also has a lot of Shannon, something I don’t recall in any book outside of the one where she's the main character (Reader's Request? IDK I didn't read it) and #12.
Now that we've completed the TL;DR portion of the snark, I promise to never put you through that again.
We commence this literary annihilation with the standard cover analysis:
Since I read these books in the 80s and very early 90s, I missed all the newer covers. This one barely changed at all with the update, as the art and character designs are exactly the same. Kristy's wearing her usual turtleneck/sweater/jeans ensemble, with the rolled up cuffs that are proto-hipster. David Michael appears to be wearing cargo jeans, and Shannon's looking preppy in her sweater vest and a-line skirt. She has some A+ hairography going there.
This scene does not accurately depict what happens in the book. Shannon comes into Kristy's room to discuss the love letters, and she was super hush-hush about the whole thing to begin with, so why would she be talking about this with the door open? Also DM got the fuck out of Dodge once Kristy told him it was "girl stuff."
We now return to your regularly scheduled snark already in progress.
Chapter 1
The book starts in the middle of a softball game between Kristy's team (the Krushers) and Bart's Bashers. Bart is a boy that Kristy likes. Kristy's team is a band of misfits and might beat another band of misfits for the first time ever. Seriously though, I don't remember why Bart has his own team and why those kids don’t play Little League already. Kristy herself wonders this in one of many parentheticals in the book. Maybe that will be a follow up essay on my next snark.
Kristy explains that her team is full of kids who can't play softball for one reason or another, and I like this concept. I'm an athlete and I coached youth swimming for years and I always believed in using sport for good and including everyone who wanted to play. But still, Kristy has to remind us that her kids fundamentally suck and any good thing that happens to them is a miracle. By the way, they all live in Connecticut.
The Krushers win, despite Jackie Rodowsky fucking it all up somehow. Kristy reminds us again that her kids suck and they beat a crippled team that was missing key players due to chicken pox, an out of town trip, and fighting (among teammates).
Those last two could be these guys:
Which reminds me, I had a fat crush on Aaron Lohr (left in the above pic) after D2.
The final note from the game was Kristy's passive insistence that the cheerleaders use their "softball manners," another thing I appreciate. There's being competitive and then there's just being an ass. I made sure my kids behaved with class and grace in victory and defeat, something I think has been largely lost in today's sporting environment.
Kristy's about to hitch a ride home with big bro Charlie. Her expositional monologue gets cut off by the arrival of Bart himself. Bart makes Kristy feel funny in her pants so she lets him walk her home. She listens to his stories of male shenanigans in the locker room, and Bart makes a comment about wanting to see Kristy in a field hockey skirt that isn't taken as pervy. They chat about life, foreshadow Stacey's Emergency in a few books, and apparently Bart is slappin' de bayes in a band.
I can see why the neighbors would complain.
They get home and Kristy's little sister Emily (who doesn't get called by her middle name in this book) and Nannie are chillin' on the front porch, Bart and Kristy they say their goodbyes. Bart is hot for Kristy and says he wants to see her soon.
Chapter 2
Do I really have to do this one?
I guess there is something notable about the boilerplate chapter. Shannon calls Kristy and they chat and she wants to spend time with her friend that the writers never give her time to see. How nice.
Emily comes into the den to watch Sesame Street and Kristy explains the club, reads aloud her friends' FBI dossiers, again foreshadows Stacey's self-inflicted diabetes episode, and describes a Claudia outfit. Yas!
Day-glo high top sneakers, cut up jeans, off-the-shoulder sweatshirts (sometimes torn), and friendship bracelets.
To be honest, this sounds like something you could get at Forever 21 right now.
Also Kristy has to tell she don't need no bra. I wish I was so lucky.
The chapter ends on a downer note that comes from nowhere at all. She goes from describing her comfy wardrobe to saying how much she misses her dad and describes him as a deadbeat loser. Also, boys are dweebs.
Perhaps this was when it all went downhill for Kristin Amanda Thomas. Then she found Xenu and all was well.
Chapter 3
It's a Monday meeting day.
Claudia's leg is propped up and she says it hurts because it's going to rain. She aged from 13 to 83 in this book.
Jesus F Christ, guys. The background info seeped into this chapter for the club and its inner workings.
Once I wiped the glaze from my eyes after skimming that part of the chapter, Kristy announces it's dues day. Everyone bitches and moans about giving up their hard earned cheddar, while Stacey scoops it up in her purple neon claws.
Then she's all pained about forking over the money to pay Charlie to cart Kristy's ass around.
Mondays are a drag at BSC meetings, it seems.
ANM would dedicate this video to Monday BSC meetings because she's clueless.
Dawn bitches about Jenny Prezzioso and blames a four year old for doing something she can't prove (coloring all over a coloring book dear god the horror!), Jessi reports a headless Barbie, and the phone rings. Baby-sitting jobs were arranged. Mistakes were made.
Meeting adjourned! Charlie's all salty about his money and demands payment once Kristy gets in the car. At the beginning of the chapter she describes him as easy-going, but here he's the exact opposite.
Chapter 4
At Chez Thomas-Brewer, DM's all up in Kristy's shit about Shannon calling. Girlfriend called four times while she was gone. Kristy wants privacy and tries to achieve this by taking the cordless phone into a closet. That's not suspicious at all.
Onomatopoeia ensues as the girls try to have a phone conversation over a bad connection. Someone stuffed a love letter into Shannon's mail box, except it's addressed to Kristy.
There's hearts and flowers and shit all over the envelope and Kristy isn’t immediately repulsed by this as she would be in later books when she rejects any and all feminine aspects of life. She invites Shannon over to kiki after dinner and Sam is yelling and she's late for grub.
Shannon arrives and Kristy spends an awfully long time describing her appearance. Even so, she stops short of calling her "gorgeous like Dawn" or "even attractive like Stacey." She calls Shannon "interesting looking."
Then she basically calls Shannon beautiful with her amazing bone structure, Meryl Streep-esque looks, and skill with makeup. Sorry girl, but that sounds like you have a boner for her.
Shannon in Kristy-vision
DM follows them around after Kristy tells us some more boring crap about Stoneybook's primary school system, then gets him GTFO by describing their business as "girl stuff."
Kristy and Shannon go over the note that contains a lot of mushy stuff, including a request to go steady (!) and ends with the salutation "love." Kind of a big deal in 8th grade romance.
I'm not sure if Kristy is slut shaming Shannon by saying the girl has had "millions of boyfriends and gone on plenty of dates" like Stacey, but I hate Stacey so I imagine that's Kristy's game.
Kristy thinks her brother Sam is being a dweeb by planting the fake love note but Shannon's like "gurr that shit's from Bart!" To which Kristy says "oh hells no" because apparently 13 year old boys talk frankly about their feelings to girls and would just tell her this stuff in person. Boy did I wish back in the day.
Again Kristy sneaks in a possible slut shaming dig to Shannon, alluding to her experience with boys and them professing love to her. Or some shit.
Shannon takes off and Kristy gets on the horn with Bart. They talk about Bart's band and some stuff that the ghost writer doesn't deem important enough to expound upon (yet he/she will go on for PAGES about the Baby-Sitters Club operations manual and Mallory's boring-ass family).
Kristy doesn't mention the note to Bart and off we go into the wild blue passive-aggressive yonder.
That's it for me today. Tune in next time for Part 2!
The BSC books were my life from third grade until about eighth grade. I guess once I reached the magical age of 13 I no longer found the adventures of the perpetually 13-year-old (none for Jessi and Mal bye) Stoneybrookites to be cute. I grew up reading everything as a kid, but the BSC was especially important to me. My parents were locked in an epic "win the kids' love" battle after their divorce, which meant my dad bought us a bunch of toys every time he saw us. My brother came back from Toys R Us with Power Rangers action figures (including the fully assembled Mega Ninja Zord which was pretty fucking boss). I came back with an armful of books.
I read the BSC books religiously until the series reached mid-50s, with a few gaps in between. Nowadays I read the books on my Kindle and I get through a few per week on my commutes to and from work on the bus. I'm catching up on the books I didn't get to on my initial reads, which included Kristy's Mystery Admirer. Something about this book stood out to me when I read it, so I decided to go with this one over my initial choice (Kristy and the Walking Disaster, which I will do next). Maybe it was a portrayal of Kristy as somewhat normal, long before she picked up Scientology for Dummies. This book also has a lot of Shannon, something I don’t recall in any book outside of the one where she's the main character (Reader's Request? IDK I didn't read it) and #12.
Now that we've completed the TL;DR portion of the snark, I promise to never put you through that again.
We commence this literary annihilation with the standard cover analysis:
Since I read these books in the 80s and very early 90s, I missed all the newer covers. This one barely changed at all with the update, as the art and character designs are exactly the same. Kristy's wearing her usual turtleneck/sweater/jeans ensemble, with the rolled up cuffs that are proto-hipster. David Michael appears to be wearing cargo jeans, and Shannon's looking preppy in her sweater vest and a-line skirt. She has some A+ hairography going there.
This scene does not accurately depict what happens in the book. Shannon comes into Kristy's room to discuss the love letters, and she was super hush-hush about the whole thing to begin with, so why would she be talking about this with the door open? Also DM got the fuck out of Dodge once Kristy told him it was "girl stuff."
We now return to your regularly scheduled snark already in progress.
Chapter 1
The book starts in the middle of a softball game between Kristy's team (the Krushers) and Bart's Bashers. Bart is a boy that Kristy likes. Kristy's team is a band of misfits and might beat another band of misfits for the first time ever. Seriously though, I don't remember why Bart has his own team and why those kids don’t play Little League already. Kristy herself wonders this in one of many parentheticals in the book. Maybe that will be a follow up essay on my next snark.
Kristy explains that her team is full of kids who can't play softball for one reason or another, and I like this concept. I'm an athlete and I coached youth swimming for years and I always believed in using sport for good and including everyone who wanted to play. But still, Kristy has to remind us that her kids fundamentally suck and any good thing that happens to them is a miracle. By the way, they all live in Connecticut.
The Krushers win, despite Jackie Rodowsky fucking it all up somehow. Kristy reminds us again that her kids suck and they beat a crippled team that was missing key players due to chicken pox, an out of town trip, and fighting (among teammates).
Those last two could be these guys:
Which reminds me, I had a fat crush on Aaron Lohr (left in the above pic) after D2.
The final note from the game was Kristy's passive insistence that the cheerleaders use their "softball manners," another thing I appreciate. There's being competitive and then there's just being an ass. I made sure my kids behaved with class and grace in victory and defeat, something I think has been largely lost in today's sporting environment.
Kristy's about to hitch a ride home with big bro Charlie. Her expositional monologue gets cut off by the arrival of Bart himself. Bart makes Kristy feel funny in her pants so she lets him walk her home. She listens to his stories of male shenanigans in the locker room, and Bart makes a comment about wanting to see Kristy in a field hockey skirt that isn't taken as pervy. They chat about life, foreshadow Stacey's Emergency in a few books, and apparently Bart is slappin' de bayes in a band.
Click to viewI can see why the neighbors would complain.
They get home and Kristy's little sister Emily (who doesn't get called by her middle name in this book) and Nannie are chillin' on the front porch, Bart and Kristy they say their goodbyes. Bart is hot for Kristy and says he wants to see her soon.
Chapter 2
Do I really have to do this one?
I guess there is something notable about the boilerplate chapter. Shannon calls Kristy and they chat and she wants to spend time with her friend that the writers never give her time to see. How nice.
Emily comes into the den to watch Sesame Street and Kristy explains the club, reads aloud her friends' FBI dossiers, again foreshadows Stacey's self-inflicted diabetes episode, and describes a Claudia outfit. Yas!
Day-glo high top sneakers, cut up jeans, off-the-shoulder sweatshirts (sometimes torn), and friendship bracelets.
To be honest, this sounds like something you could get at Forever 21 right now.
Also Kristy has to tell she don't need no bra. I wish I was so lucky.
The chapter ends on a downer note that comes from nowhere at all. She goes from describing her comfy wardrobe to saying how much she misses her dad and describes him as a deadbeat loser. Also, boys are dweebs.
Perhaps this was when it all went downhill for Kristin Amanda Thomas. Then she found Xenu and all was well.
Chapter 3
It's a Monday meeting day.
Claudia's leg is propped up and she says it hurts because it's going to rain. She aged from 13 to 83 in this book.
Jesus F Christ, guys. The background info seeped into this chapter for the club and its inner workings.
Once I wiped the glaze from my eyes after skimming that part of the chapter, Kristy announces it's dues day. Everyone bitches and moans about giving up their hard earned cheddar, while Stacey scoops it up in her purple neon claws.
Then she's all pained about forking over the money to pay Charlie to cart Kristy's ass around.
Mondays are a drag at BSC meetings, it seems.
ANM would dedicate this video to Monday BSC meetings because she's clueless.
Dawn bitches about Jenny Prezzioso and blames a four year old for doing something she can't prove (coloring all over a coloring book dear god the horror!), Jessi reports a headless Barbie, and the phone rings. Baby-sitting jobs were arranged. Mistakes were made.
Meeting adjourned! Charlie's all salty about his money and demands payment once Kristy gets in the car. At the beginning of the chapter she describes him as easy-going, but here he's the exact opposite.
Chapter 4
At Chez Thomas-Brewer, DM's all up in Kristy's shit about Shannon calling. Girlfriend called four times while she was gone. Kristy wants privacy and tries to achieve this by taking the cordless phone into a closet. That's not suspicious at all.
Onomatopoeia ensues as the girls try to have a phone conversation over a bad connection. Someone stuffed a love letter into Shannon's mail box, except it's addressed to Kristy.
There's hearts and flowers and shit all over the envelope and Kristy isn’t immediately repulsed by this as she would be in later books when she rejects any and all feminine aspects of life. She invites Shannon over to kiki after dinner and Sam is yelling and she's late for grub.
Shannon arrives and Kristy spends an awfully long time describing her appearance. Even so, she stops short of calling her "gorgeous like Dawn" or "even attractive like Stacey." She calls Shannon "interesting looking."
Then she basically calls Shannon beautiful with her amazing bone structure, Meryl Streep-esque looks, and skill with makeup. Sorry girl, but that sounds like you have a boner for her.
Shannon in Kristy-vision
DM follows them around after Kristy tells us some more boring crap about Stoneybook's primary school system, then gets him GTFO by describing their business as "girl stuff."
Kristy and Shannon go over the note that contains a lot of mushy stuff, including a request to go steady (!) and ends with the salutation "love." Kind of a big deal in 8th grade romance.
I'm not sure if Kristy is slut shaming Shannon by saying the girl has had "millions of boyfriends and gone on plenty of dates" like Stacey, but I hate Stacey so I imagine that's Kristy's game.
Kristy thinks her brother Sam is being a dweeb by planting the fake love note but Shannon's like "gurr that shit's from Bart!" To which Kristy says "oh hells no" because apparently 13 year old boys talk frankly about their feelings to girls and would just tell her this stuff in person. Boy did I wish back in the day.
Again Kristy sneaks in a possible slut shaming dig to Shannon, alluding to her experience with boys and them professing love to her. Or some shit.
Shannon takes off and Kristy gets on the horn with Bart. They talk about Bart's band and some stuff that the ghost writer doesn't deem important enough to expound upon (yet he/she will go on for PAGES about the Baby-Sitters Club operations manual and Mallory's boring-ass family).
Kristy doesn't mention the note to Bart and off we go into the wild blue passive-aggressive yonder.
That's it for me today. Tune in next time for Part 2!