Get Well Soon Mallory, aka Not Until I Think Of Another Way To Ruin You Part Two
Here is the link for Part One
Hello all! Back for a snarkathon a la Mallory. And thanks for all the nice get well comments for my stubborn flu. It’s finally wearing off and I feel great! Just in time for Christmas :)
At least I felt great until I opened up my book again and noticed this …
Chapter Four
Oh dear … a babysitting job
Though thankfully it’s not Jessi and her frightful handwriting or Claudia and her atrocious spelling, but Stacey’s joyful heart studded font, which is much easier to read! Hallelujah.
'Boy, has Charlotte come a long way!'
Does anyone actually say ‘boy’ in real life? Other than Jimmy Stewart? Or actors from Reefer Madness?
Usual stuff of Stacey and Charlotte bla-blah ‘both only children’ bla-blah ‘special relationship’ bla-blah Charlotte now has lots of friends because of Stacey … wait … now that is curious … how did Stacey actually help Charlotte make friends? Do we ever see it? Or is it done behind the scenes? I know Charlotte encountered some bullies in The Truth About Stacey, and next thing you know in Goodbye Stacey Goodbye, Charlotte is best friends with the ‘most popular girl in fourth grade’, which felt awesome as Charlotte was really meant to have been in third grade, but was bumped up a grade for being trés intelligente … then Becca arrives and suddenly Char is in third grade again … I think my head exploded.
To be fair Charlotte and Stacey are an adorable pairing. They’re wearing matching berets.
Charlotte demands to know if Pilgrims actually wanted to wear the black and white outfits with pointy hat.
She deems them to be ‘yuck[y]’, ‘dorky’ and ‘silly’, particularly due to dresses being down to the ground with no colours. I think Claudia would have blinked rapidly at this thought, then flip out with a paintbrush and start sticking bells and chocolate wrappings to herself in fear.
Charlotte is playing the ‘head turkey’ in a Thanksgiving. Wow … Charlotte in a play, and not sweating buckets about it. Beecham and Hillgartner you’ve failed in your BSC history prowess. Massively.
She’s part of a group of dancing turkeys. Morbid. Really? Is this what happens in children’s Thanksgiving plays/skits? I mean, we eat turkey at Christmas, and I am positive there would be no children dressed as dancing turkeys in Christmas plays/skits … I mean it’s what you EAT in the season. I think audiences would be horrified.
Charlotte and Stacey go to Polly’s sweet shop, so Beecham and Hillgartner think they’ve made up for the Charlotte stage fright faux pas, by making reference to the sweet shop from the third book. No B and H, we’ll never forget. We’ll never forget what you did.
Poor old Stacey is salivating. Calm down. I’m sure they sell sugarless chocolate.
Stacey remarks that she and the BSC have decided to ‘try and do something for other people this year’ … as opposed to … what? They do things for other people all the time.
Charlotte suggests that they give presents to the elderly SM people. Stacey shoots this idea DOWN with ‘But they’ll be getting presents at Christmas.’ And your point is? They’re not kids that are getting spoiled. It’s nice to receive a gift. Besides it MAKES NO SENSE AS THEY END UP GIVING THEM PRESENTS ANYWAY (toys and books!). Charlotte’s ‘brilliant idea’ is to give them baskets full of food. I cannot believe that this thought never even occurred to the BSC. Even Charlotte comes up with more ideas that Kristy.
Stacey tells Kristy, who does not hesitate before stating ‘Great idea’. In her head, she probably believes that she thought of it.
Stacey calls Mallory, asking if she would be able to help out with fundraising ideas.
‘There aren’t many things the doctor will let me do, but thinking is one of them.’
Then immediately Mal is hit in the head by a baseball and knocked unconscious by the triplets who thought it would be a great idea to set up a game in her room. Ann will not let Mal do the one thing she can do because MAL MUST SUFFER.
… Ok that was a lie, but I am sure that was speculated in manuscript discussions.
Stacey rings Dr J, stating that everyone in the BSC loved Charlotte’s idea. Kristy is currently in her mansion, staring at her failed sheet of ideas in fury, fuming that an eight year old had a superior idea to her.
Chapter Five
Mallory now hates her ‘practical but feminine’ pyjamas. I wonder what Dee would have considered ‘unpractical’. Mal wants to tear and burn them. Then blow up her TV set. Mallory the Anarchist. Hell yes I would buy that.
I like to burn stuff
Perhaps John and Dee finally told the Pike hellions to stop behaving like beast children because the kids are quiet all week, speaking in hushed tones and tiptoeing past Mal’s door. Mal acts like the kids being quiet for a week is such a reward for her. Seriously she acts like their parent. Poor Mal.
Margo and Claire decorate the room to look like a hospital room and they put on a play with Nicky called ‘Mallory Is Ill’. They make a concoction of milk, raisins and orange juice. YUCK!
Claire refuses to drink it. Argument ensues. I’m on Claire’s side. My God that sounds vile.
It’s supposed to be a ‘miracle cure for lice’. AGAIN WHAT IS IT WITH THE LICE?
Dee smiles and claims it’s because the kids can’t pronounce mononucleosis. That sounds nothing like lice. Mal astutely asks well why don’t they just call it mono like EVERYONE ELSE. And Dee says something that makes me look like Claudia when thinking: ‘Head lice is more fun’.
… What?
… What?
… WHAT?
Head lice is more FUN?
I think Dee has been raiding Sharon’s stash. This statement makes no sense whatsoever.
Then Dee has the audacity to ask Mal to babysit for Margo and Claire, while she’s still ill. How responsible of you Madame Pike. Leaving your sick eleven year old alone with a seven and five year old.
Doctor Margolius and Nurse Tiffany attend to the invalid, while Mallory snarks over the fact that they’re babysitting for her when it should be the other way around. Margo and Claire pretend to be over-dramatic soap-style doctors. Mal makes them eat their healthy lunch of celery sticks, remarking that all the best nurses ate celery sticks:
Florence Nightingale
Clara Barton
Hot Lips Houlihan (which my book spells as Hoolihan)
Of course Mal would also call her Hot Lips … Apparently this list does the trick and the kids eat their celery. Woop-dee-doo.
Chapter Six
Mallory can SWALLOW! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Ok end of celebration, we cannot allow Mal to have any glory for too long. Dr D claims that ‘Glandular fever hits some people harder than others. Unfortunately you’re one of those people’. Are you even surprised at this point? Daddy Pike remarks that Mal’s recovery is slower than they expected. John, it’s Glandular Fever, not a sniffle, it generally takes a LONG time to fully recover. John and Dee put their respective feet down: ‘No archery team, no school projects, and - ’
‘I closed my eyes and held my breath’ HAHAHAHA the drama of this is hilarious!
‘And no Babysitters Club’ DUM DUM DUM!
Mallory feels as if she has been ‘punched in the stomach’, she cries, quivers and whispers, ‘The Babysitters Club is one of the most important things in the world to me!’ and ‘The BSC needs me … we’re short-handed already’.
John smartly suggests that they ask someone else to join.
Mal screams nooooooooooooooooo! ‘The last person we got was a total disaster. She didn’t follow club rules, she took jobs on her own. Luckily she left otherwise Kristy would have had to fire her.’
First of all STFU Mal, you must have been unconscious throughout that book, because you missed a LOT. She was not a ‘total disaster’. Sure I disagree with her turning up late to a babysitting job, but Kristy was absolutely heinous to Wendy, the BSC did not explain the rules to Wendy and jumped on her whenever she did something allegedly wrong, and it felt as if they came up with these rules on the fly just to be extra cult-ish for the purpose of that book. I mean, cannot take jobs on their own? How many times have the BSC done that? Many many times. Save that for another snark. Yeah I bet Kristy would have taken great delight in that privilege: ‘You’re FIRED!’ like Lord f***ing Sugar. Save that for Stacey, when she later grows a backbone like Wendy and refuses to take any more of Kristy’s s**t.
‘How could I live without the BSC?’ Mal is a sad figure. Ben Hobart, come over and give her the time of her life. It will knock the BSC right out of her. Who knows, maybe it will make Mal slip out of the time warp and suddenly she’ll be thirty, and she’ll be a ‘big time magazine editor’, drink pina coladas and Ben Hobart will grow arm hair and look like Mark Ruffulo and they’ll dance to Thriller.
But alas, that will not happen. Cheers Ann.
Oh yeah Mal is still hysterical. Oh Mal, this is ridonculous, it’s only temporary sweetie. You can go back to doing all those weird things like organising carnivals and s**t if that really makes you happy soon. Unless Mal is actually aware of Ann’s evil plan to make her suffer for eternity.
Fortunately Kristy behaves like a human being again and is kind to Mallory when she says she must leave the BSC. Poor Jessi melts into a puddle and cries that Mallory can’t leave because she needs her. To be fair, because the BSC love to be elitist over the eleven year olds, she’ll likely be billy-no-mates stuck on the floor all by herself. You know, out of context, if observers wandered into a BSC meeting without Mallory, and see the girls all sitting on beds/chairs with the only black girl on the floor …
Both girls howl till the cows come home.
Weird moment when Mal imagines a BSC meeting in her head with dialogue. Eerie.
Jessi arrives to tell Mal about what actually happened at the meeting. Woo.
Claudia missed an art class and Logan missed a football practice to attend a meeting about Mallory … who’s not even there. Unnecessary. Did Kristy threaten them?
Hello Claudia. I heard you had an art class?
Apparently everyone was ‘terribly upset’ and suggested signing a petition and protesting outside the Pike house with signs like ‘Unfair!’ and ‘Free Mallory!’ I bet this didn’t actually happen and Jessi is just humouring Mal. Here’s how I bet this conversation went:
‘Mal has to drop out of the club’
Silence. Blank faces.
‘Who?’
The End
Jessi states that the club unanimously declared that Mal ‘is too valuable a member to lose’, so they’re not going to replace her with another member … I can’t, I, urghhhhhhh …. This is STUPID. WHAT IS WRONG IN THE FIRST PLACE WITH A LEAVE OF ABSENCE DUE TO ILLNESS? Were they seriously considering hiring another girl, then never asking Mal back again? They have decided not to replace her because she is too valuable to lose. Here’s my suggestion: Girls, stop acting like bloody martyrs and find another member. Then when Mal is well, keep the girl on, you have a bigger club and less chance of turning clients down. You know, I thought that this was the point of the club *raise eyebrow*.
Well now Mal’s an ‘honorary member’. I hope that means she doesn’t have to pay subs (I think this is dues in the US books … I swear I have heard the term ‘dues’ more than ‘subs’ in real life).
Jessi turned and said softly, ‘I’m really glad they aren’t going to replace you’
Mal/Jessi shippers, enjoy!
And again till another day! I hope you enjoyed the second part of my first snark. Stay tuned for philanthropy and Mal being an idiot.
Hello all! Back for a snarkathon a la Mallory. And thanks for all the nice get well comments for my stubborn flu. It’s finally wearing off and I feel great! Just in time for Christmas :)
At least I felt great until I opened up my book again and noticed this …
Chapter Four
Oh dear … a babysitting job
Though thankfully it’s not Jessi and her frightful handwriting or Claudia and her atrocious spelling, but Stacey’s joyful heart studded font, which is much easier to read! Hallelujah.
'Boy, has Charlotte come a long way!'
Does anyone actually say ‘boy’ in real life? Other than Jimmy Stewart? Or actors from Reefer Madness?
Usual stuff of Stacey and Charlotte bla-blah ‘both only children’ bla-blah ‘special relationship’ bla-blah Charlotte now has lots of friends because of Stacey … wait … now that is curious … how did Stacey actually help Charlotte make friends? Do we ever see it? Or is it done behind the scenes? I know Charlotte encountered some bullies in The Truth About Stacey, and next thing you know in Goodbye Stacey Goodbye, Charlotte is best friends with the ‘most popular girl in fourth grade’, which felt awesome as Charlotte was really meant to have been in third grade, but was bumped up a grade for being trés intelligente … then Becca arrives and suddenly Char is in third grade again … I think my head exploded.
To be fair Charlotte and Stacey are an adorable pairing. They’re wearing matching berets.
Charlotte demands to know if Pilgrims actually wanted to wear the black and white outfits with pointy hat.
She deems them to be ‘yuck[y]’, ‘dorky’ and ‘silly’, particularly due to dresses being down to the ground with no colours. I think Claudia would have blinked rapidly at this thought, then flip out with a paintbrush and start sticking bells and chocolate wrappings to herself in fear.
Charlotte is playing the ‘head turkey’ in a Thanksgiving. Wow … Charlotte in a play, and not sweating buckets about it. Beecham and Hillgartner you’ve failed in your BSC history prowess. Massively.
Click to viewShe’s part of a group of dancing turkeys. Morbid. Really? Is this what happens in children’s Thanksgiving plays/skits? I mean, we eat turkey at Christmas, and I am positive there would be no children dressed as dancing turkeys in Christmas plays/skits … I mean it’s what you EAT in the season. I think audiences would be horrified.
Charlotte and Stacey go to Polly’s sweet shop, so Beecham and Hillgartner think they’ve made up for the Charlotte stage fright faux pas, by making reference to the sweet shop from the third book. No B and H, we’ll never forget. We’ll never forget what you did.
Poor old Stacey is salivating. Calm down. I’m sure they sell sugarless chocolate.
Stacey remarks that she and the BSC have decided to ‘try and do something for other people this year’ … as opposed to … what? They do things for other people all the time.
Charlotte suggests that they give presents to the elderly SM people. Stacey shoots this idea DOWN with ‘But they’ll be getting presents at Christmas.’ And your point is? They’re not kids that are getting spoiled. It’s nice to receive a gift. Besides it MAKES NO SENSE AS THEY END UP GIVING THEM PRESENTS ANYWAY (toys and books!). Charlotte’s ‘brilliant idea’ is to give them baskets full of food. I cannot believe that this thought never even occurred to the BSC. Even Charlotte comes up with more ideas that Kristy.
Stacey tells Kristy, who does not hesitate before stating ‘Great idea’. In her head, she probably believes that she thought of it.
Stacey calls Mallory, asking if she would be able to help out with fundraising ideas.
‘There aren’t many things the doctor will let me do, but thinking is one of them.’
Then immediately Mal is hit in the head by a baseball and knocked unconscious by the triplets who thought it would be a great idea to set up a game in her room. Ann will not let Mal do the one thing she can do because MAL MUST SUFFER.
… Ok that was a lie, but I am sure that was speculated in manuscript discussions.
Stacey rings Dr J, stating that everyone in the BSC loved Charlotte’s idea. Kristy is currently in her mansion, staring at her failed sheet of ideas in fury, fuming that an eight year old had a superior idea to her.
Chapter Five
Mallory now hates her ‘practical but feminine’ pyjamas. I wonder what Dee would have considered ‘unpractical’. Mal wants to tear and burn them. Then blow up her TV set. Mallory the Anarchist. Hell yes I would buy that.
I like to burn stuff
Perhaps John and Dee finally told the Pike hellions to stop behaving like beast children because the kids are quiet all week, speaking in hushed tones and tiptoeing past Mal’s door. Mal acts like the kids being quiet for a week is such a reward for her. Seriously she acts like their parent. Poor Mal.
Margo and Claire decorate the room to look like a hospital room and they put on a play with Nicky called ‘Mallory Is Ill’. They make a concoction of milk, raisins and orange juice. YUCK!
Claire refuses to drink it. Argument ensues. I’m on Claire’s side. My God that sounds vile.
It’s supposed to be a ‘miracle cure for lice’. AGAIN WHAT IS IT WITH THE LICE?
Dee smiles and claims it’s because the kids can’t pronounce mononucleosis. That sounds nothing like lice. Mal astutely asks well why don’t they just call it mono like EVERYONE ELSE. And Dee says something that makes me look like Claudia when thinking: ‘Head lice is more fun’.
… What?
… What?
… WHAT?
Head lice is more FUN?
I think Dee has been raiding Sharon’s stash. This statement makes no sense whatsoever.
Then Dee has the audacity to ask Mal to babysit for Margo and Claire, while she’s still ill. How responsible of you Madame Pike. Leaving your sick eleven year old alone with a seven and five year old.
Doctor Margolius and Nurse Tiffany attend to the invalid, while Mallory snarks over the fact that they’re babysitting for her when it should be the other way around. Margo and Claire pretend to be over-dramatic soap-style doctors. Mal makes them eat their healthy lunch of celery sticks, remarking that all the best nurses ate celery sticks:
Florence Nightingale
Clara Barton
Hot Lips Houlihan (which my book spells as Hoolihan)
Of course Mal would also call her Hot Lips … Apparently this list does the trick and the kids eat their celery. Woop-dee-doo.
Chapter Six
Mallory can SWALLOW! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Ok end of celebration, we cannot allow Mal to have any glory for too long. Dr D claims that ‘Glandular fever hits some people harder than others. Unfortunately you’re one of those people’. Are you even surprised at this point? Daddy Pike remarks that Mal’s recovery is slower than they expected. John, it’s Glandular Fever, not a sniffle, it generally takes a LONG time to fully recover. John and Dee put their respective feet down: ‘No archery team, no school projects, and - ’
‘I closed my eyes and held my breath’ HAHAHAHA the drama of this is hilarious!
‘And no Babysitters Club’ DUM DUM DUM!
Mallory feels as if she has been ‘punched in the stomach’, she cries, quivers and whispers, ‘The Babysitters Club is one of the most important things in the world to me!’ and ‘The BSC needs me … we’re short-handed already’.
John smartly suggests that they ask someone else to join.
Mal screams nooooooooooooooooo! ‘The last person we got was a total disaster. She didn’t follow club rules, she took jobs on her own. Luckily she left otherwise Kristy would have had to fire her.’
First of all STFU Mal, you must have been unconscious throughout that book, because you missed a LOT. She was not a ‘total disaster’. Sure I disagree with her turning up late to a babysitting job, but Kristy was absolutely heinous to Wendy, the BSC did not explain the rules to Wendy and jumped on her whenever she did something allegedly wrong, and it felt as if they came up with these rules on the fly just to be extra cult-ish for the purpose of that book. I mean, cannot take jobs on their own? How many times have the BSC done that? Many many times. Save that for another snark. Yeah I bet Kristy would have taken great delight in that privilege: ‘You’re FIRED!’ like Lord f***ing Sugar. Save that for Stacey, when she later grows a backbone like Wendy and refuses to take any more of Kristy’s s**t.
‘How could I live without the BSC?’ Mal is a sad figure. Ben Hobart, come over and give her the time of her life. It will knock the BSC right out of her. Who knows, maybe it will make Mal slip out of the time warp and suddenly she’ll be thirty, and she’ll be a ‘big time magazine editor’, drink pina coladas and Ben Hobart will grow arm hair and look like Mark Ruffulo and they’ll dance to Thriller.
But alas, that will not happen. Cheers Ann.
Oh yeah Mal is still hysterical. Oh Mal, this is ridonculous, it’s only temporary sweetie. You can go back to doing all those weird things like organising carnivals and s**t if that really makes you happy soon. Unless Mal is actually aware of Ann’s evil plan to make her suffer for eternity.
Fortunately Kristy behaves like a human being again and is kind to Mallory when she says she must leave the BSC. Poor Jessi melts into a puddle and cries that Mallory can’t leave because she needs her. To be fair, because the BSC love to be elitist over the eleven year olds, she’ll likely be billy-no-mates stuck on the floor all by herself. You know, out of context, if observers wandered into a BSC meeting without Mallory, and see the girls all sitting on beds/chairs with the only black girl on the floor …
Both girls howl till the cows come home.
Weird moment when Mal imagines a BSC meeting in her head with dialogue. Eerie.
Jessi arrives to tell Mal about what actually happened at the meeting. Woo.
Claudia missed an art class and Logan missed a football practice to attend a meeting about Mallory … who’s not even there. Unnecessary. Did Kristy threaten them?
Hello Claudia. I heard you had an art class?
Apparently everyone was ‘terribly upset’ and suggested signing a petition and protesting outside the Pike house with signs like ‘Unfair!’ and ‘Free Mallory!’ I bet this didn’t actually happen and Jessi is just humouring Mal. Here’s how I bet this conversation went:
‘Mal has to drop out of the club’
Silence. Blank faces.
‘Who?’
The End
Jessi states that the club unanimously declared that Mal ‘is too valuable a member to lose’, so they’re not going to replace her with another member … I can’t, I, urghhhhhhh …. This is STUPID. WHAT IS WRONG IN THE FIRST PLACE WITH A LEAVE OF ABSENCE DUE TO ILLNESS? Were they seriously considering hiring another girl, then never asking Mal back again? They have decided not to replace her because she is too valuable to lose. Here’s my suggestion: Girls, stop acting like bloody martyrs and find another member. Then when Mal is well, keep the girl on, you have a bigger club and less chance of turning clients down. You know, I thought that this was the point of the club *raise eyebrow*.
Well now Mal’s an ‘honorary member’. I hope that means she doesn’t have to pay subs (I think this is dues in the US books … I swear I have heard the term ‘dues’ more than ‘subs’ in real life).
Jessi turned and said softly, ‘I’m really glad they aren’t going to replace you’
Mal/Jessi shippers, enjoy!
And again till another day! I hope you enjoyed the second part of my first snark. Stay tuned for philanthropy and Mal being an idiot.