Get Well Soon Mallory, aka Not Until I Think Of Another Way To Ruin You (Love Ann)
Currently in bed with a flu that is refusing to shift. I’m 22 and home for Christmas, and when feeling a little feverish, my mum tells me to get to bed. Lying back with a cup of tea, my mum thrusts a bunch of BSC books onto the bed, as they were what I always used to read growing up when I was poorly. Little does my mum know that what I mainly read now are BSC Snarks, in which I snigger at comments about Mallory being transfixed by Jessi’s lonnnnnnnnnng legs, illogical crap like Elizabeth’s wedding plans and just plain what a heinous cow Dawn is (thankfully she's in California in this book). I’ve been reading the appropriately titled Get Well Soon Mallory, thinking I might relate in my flu-stricken state to poor old Mallory, the ‘unwanted baby’ (to use Ann M. Martin’s inappropriate terminology) of her BSC world. God she really hates Mal doesn’t she? I started a thread on the Proboards forum years ago, dictating a list of evidence proving that Ann officially hates Mal. Even when interviewed about where she believes the members BSC ended up, Ann said ‘I don’t know about Mallory … Or Dawn’ … yes Ann, the two girls that you eradicated from the series. I could perhaps understand the Dawn hatred, but Mallory?
Anyway, to begin!
Chapter One
We begin at Château Pike, with Madame Pike trying to tell her Pike enfants some ‘great news’. But of course the pack of beasts that the Pikes are, they do not hear her. Mal dictates ‘Life at my house is usually pretty crazy but today things were totally bonkers’.
Now bear with me, my books are mainly UK editions (I have a few US ones too; that was when it all made sense to me why certain expressions used by BSC members did not sound oh-so-American to be feasible), but for some reason, I imagine ‘bonkers’ was not the original word used in the US publication (help me out US readers)? I can’t quite hear it in my head. Or was it? I'm curious!
The kids are preparing for Halloween. The Pikes are hellions all year round; imagine what they’re like on sugar-high Halloween. The triplets are going to be Ninja Warriors. Luckily they abandon that idea in a later chapter so we do not have to subject ourselves to awkward stereotypical/racially insensitive ‘Ninja’ behaviour. Though remembering the triplets’ actual ages, it’s probably less like this:
And more like this:
Finally the hellions quieten to hear Mama Pike’s news that they are going to New York for Thanksgiving to see the Macy’s Parade. Gosh Gee Willikers! To be fair, their reactions are actually very sweet. Allegedly the Pikes refer to New York as ‘the city’ because it’s not that far from Stoneybrook. WTF? Then why in every other book do they treat Stacey like the Queen of Dibble? Why do they act like New York is such a ‘magical’ place? Maybe it’s because this is ghostwritten as opposed to being fully written by Ann. If she had had her hand in it, it would have been more like this: ‘Gosh New York! Oh my Lord it’s such a dibbly fresh place! We’ve only been there once or twice! They have super things like escalators! Will we see celebrities?! Wait a minute, if it had been written by Ann and if it were a Mary Anne book.
They must make reservations to fit all ten of them in a hotel and at a restaurant, which worries John and Dee. Mal says that they can make lots of calls, and I sigh with relief that I live in a world that has Trip Advisor.
The BSC is ‘the most important thing in [Mal’s] life’ … wow. Sad. Really Mal? Above family? Above writing about mice and frogs? Above lusting after sparkly things? Above pretending to be horses with Jessi? *raise eyebrows*
Poor Mallory is unwell, lying on the sofa during Pike hijinks and I cannot snark this; it sounds awful. My older sister had Glandular Fever a few years ago and it is absolutely rotten. Oh spoiler alert, Mal doesn’t know that she has it yet. She think it’s just a cold/the virus that she had in the previous book. Seriously Jahnna Beecham and Malcolm Hillgartner love showing that they’ve done their BSC History research, just as much as Ellen Miles, they are littered ALL over the book.
The poor hated soul falls asleep and is awoken by beast-spawn Nicky screaming in her ear through a paper towel holder.
The thing that’s really sad is that when Mal wakes up, she is distraught that it is already eleven, thus she has missed breakfast and her morning chores. OH MY GOD PIKE PARENTS! It’s the weekend, and your sick child feels bad for sleeping in until eleven and for missing her MORNING CHORES. Give the child a break! Mal, you’re nearly a teenager. Sleeping in at the weekends goes with the territory. Lap it up.
Nicky has changed his mind from dressing up as a pirate to Aladdin, apparently striking a pose with his arms folded across his chest:
(Trivia fact: Aladdin’s design was initially based on Michael J. Fox but apparently he didn’t look ‘manly’ enough so they beefed him up to a Tom Cruise look … Michael was my teenage crush, as opposed to Tom, but each to their own)
The kids are all dressed up for Halloween. Agh thank God we’re not watching Karen ‘Gets-Away-With-Everything’ Brewer participating in Halloween. Put it this way, you know the odious child from Meet Me in St Louis played by Margaret O’ Brian? On Halloween, she throws a fake body in front of a tram track, nearly causes a series of deaths, gets injured and lies to her family by pretending that the boy next door attacked her. When her sisters discover the truth, she laughs sweetly and proudly boasts of her crimes until finally all her sisters start laughing too, while I sat there gaping in horror at the screen. You know, in The Good Son, this similar act committed by a child is perceived as a sign of insanity (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PDLkFEhJVTw)
Tootie’s attempts are perceived as not bratty/mean/dangerous/insane but … cute. Somehow I can imagine the BSC reacting in a similar way if Karen had done a similar thing on Halloween:
‘Karen you dressed Andrew up as Houdini and tied him to a railway line to see if he could escape?’ Karen always comes up with wild ideas. Babysitting for her is always a fun adventure!
Anyway the kids leave, and fatigue-ridden Mal has to cancel trick-or-treating with Jessi and her siblings, and she falls asleep over her maths homework, likely while dibbly dribbling in slumber.
Chapter Two
Mallory slept through Halloween! Oh God the humanity! What will we do?! BSC members must ALWAYS be lively during Halloween. They must always be ready to go through kiddie Halloween parties, to take their scally-wag clients out for trick-or-treating or humour them with massive grins and sweets when they come to your door. Oh dear, Mallory’s massive grin. I’m scared.
The BSC cannot believe it and Claudia exclaims that Mal must have been ‘catatonic’.
Mal tells the frightened reader that ‘I think now would be a perfect time to tell you about our club’. No.
It is never a perfect time. It is never even an adequate time, unless they have something particularly snark-worthy to say. Let’s see.
1. 1 Watson’s a ‘real millionaire’ … as opposed to a false millionaire? A sham millionaire? A phony millionaire? You know sometimes I wish the BSC elaborated even further with the thesaurus and went for ‘bona-fide millionaire’. At least they didn’t say ‘Real live millionaire’ this time.
2. 2 There is actually an entire paragraph dedicated to Shannon! SHOCK! Yet she’s still described as being ‘interesting looking’ for having high cheekbones, a turned-up nose and for wearing mascara, making her eyes look ‘startling’ …
3. 3 On Stacey’s diabetes: ‘Now here’s the yucky part - she has to give herself injections every single day (Ugh!)’ What is it with the BSC’s descriptions of Stacey’s injections? I mean, for me the internal reaction to injections of any kind has never been ‘yucky’ or ‘ugh’, but rather ‘ow that sounds painful’ or ‘argh!’ rather than ‘ugh!’
4. 4 Our eager ghostwriters actually refer to Stacey and Mal’s towel code from Stacey’s Ex Best Friend, which Laine snarks at when staying at Stacey’s abode, while Mal literally stands there ‘peering’ (creepily) at the McGill house.
5. 5 Even in a Mallory book, Jessi is only given a paragraph which she must share with juxtaposing attributes of Mallory. And we all know why that is *blinks innocently*
Of course Stacey used to go to the parade every year. Did you know Stacey’s from New York???
And Kristy goes, ‘Speaking of Thanksgiving, I’ve got this idea …’ And every BSC reader immediately goes ‘NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!’ in unison.
Claudia fittingly says ‘Uh oh! You know what happens when Kristy gets one of her great ideas.’ What I just said? Claudia you are a wise owl indeed.
Then Stacey wittily remarks, ‘We all have to do it. And it nearly kills us.’ HAHAHAHA!
"'Cut it out you lot!' Kristy waved a hand at Stacey' (I read that as Kristy smacked Stacey in the face and forced down her throat a bottle of kool-aid). Oh there’s another thing. In the UK editions, they always refer to each other as ‘You lot’ but I know it must be ‘You guys’ in America. Is that right? I always found that strange as ‘You guys’ seems rather universal and a bit more friendly, whereas ‘You lot’, Brit-like as it is (ish) sounds kind of … well uncouth or demeaning. Especially if pronounced with the ‘t’ missing.
Kristy’s idea is not that phenomenally original. It’s not even thought through. All she says is that they should do something special on Thanksgiving for people who do not have families. A noble thought indeed but not original, and currently quite vague and non-descript. She waits for others to suggest ideas of what lonely institution they can throw their festive care bear-like spirit towards, then she can pass it off as her own, because she’s the President (or in my book’s case, the ‘Chairman’ … it’s not like president is a strictly American term), and she can do whatever she wants
Claudia is actually the one that comes up with the idea that they should throw an event for the elderly at Stoneybrook Manor. From my experience, Claudia is generally the one who comes up with ideas, I am certain of it.
The ghostwriters literally start painfully throwing BSC historical references at us like paintballs, from Mrs Fellows, to Mr Hennessey, to Ruth, to Uncle Joe, to Esther Barnard from Karen’s Adopt-a-Grandparent programme. I haven’t even read the Karen books but I’m sure that’s a reference to the Little Sister series. I need to lie down.
Mary Anne pipes up the idea that they involve their sitting charges in the festivities, which makes Kristy instantly pee herself with glee as she exclaims ‘Brilliant! I wish I’d thought of it.’ You always involve your sitting charges. Again … THIS … IS … NOT … NEW!
Claudia comments ‘Kristy, you always have the great ideas. It’s nice to spread them around’.
Really do they just humour her?
Chapter Three
Poor Mallory is very very very ill and is uber worried because if she misses school, she’ll miss two tests. Seriously Mal, you’re eleven. Any tests you have at that age do not matter *nodding wisely*. I am a hypocrite because at eleven I used to flip out over every possible unit test that came my way. She sickens even further at the notion that after school she must babysit the Barrett children who are ‘a real handful’. Seriously when have they ever been a handful? Or at least more so than any other normal children? Personally I like the Barrett kids. Maybe I’m biased because my surname is also Barrett and I have an older brother and sister, in which my brother is also the eldest, OMG it’s like ANN KNOWS WHO I AM!
The description of Mal’s illness symptoms, again sound horrible and are not snarkable. Dee finally behaves like a parent and sends Mal back to bed. Or does she? In Downton Abbey, they send their ill servants to bed as well. Perhaps Dee is simply being kind to Nanny Mallory, so she doesn’t go on strike later or infect her actual children.
But I’ll put on a kind face and say she’s behaving like a mother. She takes her to Dr Dellenkamp (the only doctor in Stoneybrook other than Dr Johansson apparently). Dr D instantly makes what I consider to be a very inappropriate comment from a Doctor:
‘Well Mallory. You have the distinction of having one of the worst looking throats I’ve ever seen.’
Nice.
Oh well it’s Mallory. Of course she would have the worst throat ever.
It could either be a virus, a throat infection or mononucleosis. What options
She has to miss a BSC meeting, and already feeling a sense of BSC-withdrawal, she calls them. For some bizarre reason, Kristy is not tearing her hair out that they are down another BSC member but is actually behaving like a decent human being, reassuring her that they will cover for her.
NEWS ARRIVES. It’s mononucleosis/glandular fever. No s**t Sherlock, considering it says that on the back of the book. Mama Pike reassures Mal that 99% of the time it’s not serious as long as she rests. But Dee, Ann Hates Mal, and thus Ann would never shy away from putting Mal in the 1%. She’d turn down New York if it meant making Mallory SUFFER!
Mallory explodes when Dee remarks that her recovery may take as much as a month, crying out: ‘I’ll be in sixth grade for the rest of my life!’
Bwahahahahaha … Oh Mal, how little you know. Let me whisper it to you, ‘Mallory you’ll never be thirteen, and thus life will never be a picnic … soz xxx’.
Oh great, the Pike hellions have returned, squealing either that Mallory has the ‘kissing disease’ or that Mallory has ‘lice’. They are being incredibly annoying. Apparently kids at school are saying that Ben Hobart kissed Mal and gave her the disease. I think Ben and Mal are more in the fighting-over-library-card-catalogue stage than the snogging stage. Amidst all these rotten chants, Mal begs her mum to make her wretched siblings stop, when Claire chants ‘Lice, lice, Mallory’s got lice’. Adam holds up his arms in a cross shape and yells ‘Stay away from me’. Mal, this is the thanks you get for slaving over these kids’ welfare. Dee say something, instead of allowing the kids to be mean to their ill sister. DO SOMETHING. … nah nothing, Dee’s probably laughing along with them, and Ann too as she reads the manuscript with an alcoholic beverage in hand, remarking ‘Oh those Pike scamps! How adorable! Oh how I hate Mallory’. Poor Mallory just sinks her face into her pillow and wallows in humiliation that everyone at school believes that she has the kissing disease. Mal, you’d think that would give you street cred. Kissing is what the cool kids do. I bet Mary Anne and Logan barely even kiss. It was a big step to even … HOLD HANDS SQUEE! Seriously Ann’s vision of the world in the BSC is like Pleasantville.
Anyway that’s all for now. This is my first snark so I hope you enjoyed it! Join me next time for more adventures with Mal and her evil family, alongside the snooze-fest that is the BSC trying to set up a philanthropic event. I’d rather the Pike family and hilarity drama of Stacey in LUV as the subplot any day.
Anyway, to begin!
Chapter One
We begin at Château Pike, with Madame Pike trying to tell her Pike enfants some ‘great news’. But of course the pack of beasts that the Pikes are, they do not hear her. Mal dictates ‘Life at my house is usually pretty crazy but today things were totally bonkers’.
Now bear with me, my books are mainly UK editions (I have a few US ones too; that was when it all made sense to me why certain expressions used by BSC members did not sound oh-so-American to be feasible), but for some reason, I imagine ‘bonkers’ was not the original word used in the US publication (help me out US readers)? I can’t quite hear it in my head. Or was it? I'm curious!
The kids are preparing for Halloween. The Pikes are hellions all year round; imagine what they’re like on sugar-high Halloween. The triplets are going to be Ninja Warriors. Luckily they abandon that idea in a later chapter so we do not have to subject ourselves to awkward stereotypical/racially insensitive ‘Ninja’ behaviour. Though remembering the triplets’ actual ages, it’s probably less like this:
And more like this:
Finally the hellions quieten to hear Mama Pike’s news that they are going to New York for Thanksgiving to see the Macy’s Parade. Gosh Gee Willikers! To be fair, their reactions are actually very sweet. Allegedly the Pikes refer to New York as ‘the city’ because it’s not that far from Stoneybrook. WTF? Then why in every other book do they treat Stacey like the Queen of Dibble? Why do they act like New York is such a ‘magical’ place? Maybe it’s because this is ghostwritten as opposed to being fully written by Ann. If she had had her hand in it, it would have been more like this: ‘Gosh New York! Oh my Lord it’s such a dibbly fresh place! We’ve only been there once or twice! They have super things like escalators! Will we see celebrities?! Wait a minute, if it had been written by Ann and if it were a Mary Anne book.
They must make reservations to fit all ten of them in a hotel and at a restaurant, which worries John and Dee. Mal says that they can make lots of calls, and I sigh with relief that I live in a world that has Trip Advisor.
The BSC is ‘the most important thing in [Mal’s] life’ … wow. Sad. Really Mal? Above family? Above writing about mice and frogs? Above lusting after sparkly things? Above pretending to be horses with Jessi? *raise eyebrows*
Poor Mallory is unwell, lying on the sofa during Pike hijinks and I cannot snark this; it sounds awful. My older sister had Glandular Fever a few years ago and it is absolutely rotten. Oh spoiler alert, Mal doesn’t know that she has it yet. She think it’s just a cold/the virus that she had in the previous book. Seriously Jahnna Beecham and Malcolm Hillgartner love showing that they’ve done their BSC History research, just as much as Ellen Miles, they are littered ALL over the book.
The poor hated soul falls asleep and is awoken by beast-spawn Nicky screaming in her ear through a paper towel holder.
The thing that’s really sad is that when Mal wakes up, she is distraught that it is already eleven, thus she has missed breakfast and her morning chores. OH MY GOD PIKE PARENTS! It’s the weekend, and your sick child feels bad for sleeping in until eleven and for missing her MORNING CHORES. Give the child a break! Mal, you’re nearly a teenager. Sleeping in at the weekends goes with the territory. Lap it up.
Nicky has changed his mind from dressing up as a pirate to Aladdin, apparently striking a pose with his arms folded across his chest:
(Trivia fact: Aladdin’s design was initially based on Michael J. Fox but apparently he didn’t look ‘manly’ enough so they beefed him up to a Tom Cruise look … Michael was my teenage crush, as opposed to Tom, but each to their own)
The kids are all dressed up for Halloween. Agh thank God we’re not watching Karen ‘Gets-Away-With-Everything’ Brewer participating in Halloween. Put it this way, you know the odious child from Meet Me in St Louis played by Margaret O’ Brian? On Halloween, she throws a fake body in front of a tram track, nearly causes a series of deaths, gets injured and lies to her family by pretending that the boy next door attacked her. When her sisters discover the truth, she laughs sweetly and proudly boasts of her crimes until finally all her sisters start laughing too, while I sat there gaping in horror at the screen. You know, in The Good Son, this similar act committed by a child is perceived as a sign of insanity (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PDLkFEhJVTw)
Tootie’s attempts are perceived as not bratty/mean/dangerous/insane but … cute. Somehow I can imagine the BSC reacting in a similar way if Karen had done a similar thing on Halloween:
‘Karen you dressed Andrew up as Houdini and tied him to a railway line to see if he could escape?’ Karen always comes up with wild ideas. Babysitting for her is always a fun adventure!
Anyway the kids leave, and fatigue-ridden Mal has to cancel trick-or-treating with Jessi and her siblings, and she falls asleep over her maths homework, likely while dibbly dribbling in slumber.
Chapter Two
Mallory slept through Halloween! Oh God the humanity! What will we do?! BSC members must ALWAYS be lively during Halloween. They must always be ready to go through kiddie Halloween parties, to take their scally-wag clients out for trick-or-treating or humour them with massive grins and sweets when they come to your door. Oh dear, Mallory’s massive grin. I’m scared.
The BSC cannot believe it and Claudia exclaims that Mal must have been ‘catatonic’.
Mal tells the frightened reader that ‘I think now would be a perfect time to tell you about our club’. No.
It is never a perfect time. It is never even an adequate time, unless they have something particularly snark-worthy to say. Let’s see.
1. 1 Watson’s a ‘real millionaire’ … as opposed to a false millionaire? A sham millionaire? A phony millionaire? You know sometimes I wish the BSC elaborated even further with the thesaurus and went for ‘bona-fide millionaire’. At least they didn’t say ‘Real live millionaire’ this time.
2. 2 There is actually an entire paragraph dedicated to Shannon! SHOCK! Yet she’s still described as being ‘interesting looking’ for having high cheekbones, a turned-up nose and for wearing mascara, making her eyes look ‘startling’ …
3. 3 On Stacey’s diabetes: ‘Now here’s the yucky part - she has to give herself injections every single day (Ugh!)’ What is it with the BSC’s descriptions of Stacey’s injections? I mean, for me the internal reaction to injections of any kind has never been ‘yucky’ or ‘ugh’, but rather ‘ow that sounds painful’ or ‘argh!’ rather than ‘ugh!’
4. 4 Our eager ghostwriters actually refer to Stacey and Mal’s towel code from Stacey’s Ex Best Friend, which Laine snarks at when staying at Stacey’s abode, while Mal literally stands there ‘peering’ (creepily) at the McGill house.
5. 5 Even in a Mallory book, Jessi is only given a paragraph which she must share with juxtaposing attributes of Mallory. And we all know why that is *blinks innocently*
Of course Stacey used to go to the parade every year. Did you know Stacey’s from New York???
And Kristy goes, ‘Speaking of Thanksgiving, I’ve got this idea …’ And every BSC reader immediately goes ‘NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!’ in unison.
Claudia fittingly says ‘Uh oh! You know what happens when Kristy gets one of her great ideas.’ What I just said? Claudia you are a wise owl indeed.
Then Stacey wittily remarks, ‘We all have to do it. And it nearly kills us.’ HAHAHAHA!
"'Cut it out you lot!' Kristy waved a hand at Stacey' (I read that as Kristy smacked Stacey in the face and forced down her throat a bottle of kool-aid). Oh there’s another thing. In the UK editions, they always refer to each other as ‘You lot’ but I know it must be ‘You guys’ in America. Is that right? I always found that strange as ‘You guys’ seems rather universal and a bit more friendly, whereas ‘You lot’, Brit-like as it is (ish) sounds kind of … well uncouth or demeaning. Especially if pronounced with the ‘t’ missing.
Kristy’s idea is not that phenomenally original. It’s not even thought through. All she says is that they should do something special on Thanksgiving for people who do not have families. A noble thought indeed but not original, and currently quite vague and non-descript. She waits for others to suggest ideas of what lonely institution they can throw their festive care bear-like spirit towards, then she can pass it off as her own, because she’s the President (or in my book’s case, the ‘Chairman’ … it’s not like president is a strictly American term), and she can do whatever she wants
Claudia is actually the one that comes up with the idea that they should throw an event for the elderly at Stoneybrook Manor. From my experience, Claudia is generally the one who comes up with ideas, I am certain of it.
The ghostwriters literally start painfully throwing BSC historical references at us like paintballs, from Mrs Fellows, to Mr Hennessey, to Ruth, to Uncle Joe, to Esther Barnard from Karen’s Adopt-a-Grandparent programme. I haven’t even read the Karen books but I’m sure that’s a reference to the Little Sister series. I need to lie down.
Mary Anne pipes up the idea that they involve their sitting charges in the festivities, which makes Kristy instantly pee herself with glee as she exclaims ‘Brilliant! I wish I’d thought of it.’ You always involve your sitting charges. Again … THIS … IS … NOT … NEW!
Claudia comments ‘Kristy, you always have the great ideas. It’s nice to spread them around’.
Really do they just humour her?
Chapter Three
Poor Mallory is very very very ill and is uber worried because if she misses school, she’ll miss two tests. Seriously Mal, you’re eleven. Any tests you have at that age do not matter *nodding wisely*. I am a hypocrite because at eleven I used to flip out over every possible unit test that came my way. She sickens even further at the notion that after school she must babysit the Barrett children who are ‘a real handful’. Seriously when have they ever been a handful? Or at least more so than any other normal children? Personally I like the Barrett kids. Maybe I’m biased because my surname is also Barrett and I have an older brother and sister, in which my brother is also the eldest, OMG it’s like ANN KNOWS WHO I AM!
The description of Mal’s illness symptoms, again sound horrible and are not snarkable. Dee finally behaves like a parent and sends Mal back to bed. Or does she? In Downton Abbey, they send their ill servants to bed as well. Perhaps Dee is simply being kind to Nanny Mallory, so she doesn’t go on strike later or infect her actual children.
But I’ll put on a kind face and say she’s behaving like a mother. She takes her to Dr Dellenkamp (the only doctor in Stoneybrook other than Dr Johansson apparently). Dr D instantly makes what I consider to be a very inappropriate comment from a Doctor:
‘Well Mallory. You have the distinction of having one of the worst looking throats I’ve ever seen.’
Nice.
Oh well it’s Mallory. Of course she would have the worst throat ever.
It could either be a virus, a throat infection or mononucleosis. What options
She has to miss a BSC meeting, and already feeling a sense of BSC-withdrawal, she calls them. For some bizarre reason, Kristy is not tearing her hair out that they are down another BSC member but is actually behaving like a decent human being, reassuring her that they will cover for her.
NEWS ARRIVES. It’s mononucleosis/glandular fever. No s**t Sherlock, considering it says that on the back of the book. Mama Pike reassures Mal that 99% of the time it’s not serious as long as she rests. But Dee, Ann Hates Mal, and thus Ann would never shy away from putting Mal in the 1%. She’d turn down New York if it meant making Mallory SUFFER!
Mallory explodes when Dee remarks that her recovery may take as much as a month, crying out: ‘I’ll be in sixth grade for the rest of my life!’
Bwahahahahaha … Oh Mal, how little you know. Let me whisper it to you, ‘Mallory you’ll never be thirteen, and thus life will never be a picnic … soz xxx’.
Oh great, the Pike hellions have returned, squealing either that Mallory has the ‘kissing disease’ or that Mallory has ‘lice’. They are being incredibly annoying. Apparently kids at school are saying that Ben Hobart kissed Mal and gave her the disease. I think Ben and Mal are more in the fighting-over-library-card-catalogue stage than the snogging stage. Amidst all these rotten chants, Mal begs her mum to make her wretched siblings stop, when Claire chants ‘Lice, lice, Mallory’s got lice’. Adam holds up his arms in a cross shape and yells ‘Stay away from me’. Mal, this is the thanks you get for slaving over these kids’ welfare. Dee say something, instead of allowing the kids to be mean to their ill sister. DO SOMETHING. … nah nothing, Dee’s probably laughing along with them, and Ann too as she reads the manuscript with an alcoholic beverage in hand, remarking ‘Oh those Pike scamps! How adorable! Oh how I hate Mallory’. Poor Mallory just sinks her face into her pillow and wallows in humiliation that everyone at school believes that she has the kissing disease. Mal, you’d think that would give you street cred. Kissing is what the cool kids do. I bet Mary Anne and Logan barely even kiss. It was a big step to even … HOLD HANDS SQUEE! Seriously Ann’s vision of the world in the BSC is like Pleasantville.
Anyway that’s all for now. This is my first snark so I hope you enjoyed it! Join me next time for more adventures with Mal and her evil family, alongside the snooze-fest that is the BSC trying to set up a philanthropic event. I’d rather the Pike family and hilarity drama of Stacey in LUV as the subplot any day.