Kids in Ms. Colman's Class #1 - Teacher's Pet
I'm going to warn you now, the resolution to this book's conflict is going to make Karen-haters a little pissed off. You might want to prepare yourselves.
Chapter 9: Pet Day
Omar's brother is freaking out with excitement because Ms. Colman is letting Omar bring their dog to school. His name is Buster and he's a sheepdog.
Tammy and Terri are punching holes in a shoebox in preparation for something named Frank. They debate dressing him up and giggle over how surprised everyone will be to meet him. I feel confident that I will be disappointed when Frank's species is revealed.
Hannie loads up Noodle the poodle and Myrtle the turtle. I find their pets' names to be intensely annoying and I don't even know why.
Nancy is bummed walking into the classroom without a pet (she decided against the stuffed monkey). She scopes out Omar's "beautiful woolly dog," so I guess Buster is an Old English Sheepdog. Tammy and Terri have their shoe box.
She sees "cats and cages and two other dogs." I'm amazed that the cats aren't flipping their shit and that the dogs aren't playing with each other, marking territory, and generally being pains in the ass, but then...this is Stoneybrook. Natalie, of course, doesn't have a pet. Neither does Ian. Sara brought a stuffed animal. Nancy feels slightly less bummed. I don't think I had a pet in second grade, either. Our cat Fang died when I was very young, and I didn't get my kitty Taffy until I was about nine. My grandparents did get me a puppy, but my grandfather ended up falling in love and being unable to part with her. So basically they gave me a puppy and took it right back. Probably just as well. Dogs in the city are a pain.
Jannie's cat Eloise is wandering around the room hissing at everything. WHY IN THE FUCK ARE THEY LETTING A CAT WANDER LOOSE? Especially with a bunch of strange dogs? My cats would either find a place to hide or bolt out the door at a moment's notice. Jannie's dad is "keeping a close eye" on her from the back of the room, which is somehow supposed to be useful. AMM has had like a dozen cats over the course of the BSC's run. Surely she would at least know something about feline behavior.
Frank is a frog. Told you. Disappointing.
Sara is grossed out by the frog for some reason.
Hannie offers Nancy Myrtle for the day, which is actually really nice of her, since she barely knows her.
Chapter 10: Best Friends
Ms. Colman invites each kid to come to the front of the room and talk about their pet. Again, I fail to see how this had to be handled by having every pet congregate in the room at once.
Hank brings his mutt, Jack, to the head of the class. Jack is a holy terror, biting Natalie and somehow getting away to chase Eloise. Jannie is pissed. FINALLY Jannie's dad stuffs the poor cat back into her carrier, and Hank's dad has the sense to escort Jack out of the classroom.
Nancy carries Myrtle to the front of the class, despite not really knowing anything about her. And then leads everyone to believe that Myrtle is actually hers, because AMM wants kids to know that lying by omission is awesome:
“This is Myrtle the Turtle,” she began. “Myrtle is, um, she is … hmm. I forgot how old Myrtle is.” in the back of the room Hannie held up one finger. “Oh, yeah, she is a year old,” said Nancy. “She is very, um, friendly. And … and … let me see. Her shell is quite hard. She is - ”
“What kind of turtle is she, Nancy?” asked Ian.
“Well, everyone knows she is a box turtle,” spoke up Hannie.
“She likes to play, and she is a very good pet,” Nancy finished up. Then she sat down in a hurry. There. Done. She had not even had to admit that Myrtle was not her own pet. (Although she thought the kids knew anyway.)
Nancy sweetly thanks Hannie for the loaner turtle and says she's a good friend. The exchange is actually really cute:
“Thanks, Hannie,” whispered Nancy. “You are a great friend.”
“You’re welcome,” Hannie whispered back. “You are a great friend, too.”
“I am?”
“Sure. Karen has told me about you. You sound like a good friend, anyway.”
Aw! Tell me why these nice, normal little girls are friends with Karen? They continue to whisper back and forth while Chris tells everyone about his rabbit. Ms. Colman actually tells them to STFU, because they aren't Karen. They wait until Chris is done, and Nancy formally asks Hannie to be her second-grade best friend. Hannie accepts. This would all be very sweet and adorable, except we ALL KNOW WHAT'S COMING. Sigh.
Chapter 11: Karen's Surprise
Motherfucking Karen shows up. And we're stuck with her.
Immediately we switch to Karen's POV because AMM hates us. Ms. Colman actually tells her not to talk, but we're stuck listening to her train of thought anyway:
She wanted to say a million things. She wanted to say that she was best friends with Nancy and also with Hannie. She wanted to say that it was so great that Nancy and Hannie were best friends now, too. She wanted to say that this meant they could all be best friends together. Plus, she wanted to say that that very morning she had watched a cartoon about a great big chicken and a tiny little chicken hawk -
(Okay, I have to agree with Karen on that point: Foghorn Leghorn and the chicken hawk = comedy GOLD.)
Ms. Colman's brilliant method of trying to solve the pet voting dilemma? Everyone votes again in case someone changed their mind. Sigh.
Karen, of course, starts shouting that they should get a guinea pig instead of voting for a rabbit or a hamster and everyone agrees because that's how this shit rolls. EVERY. SINGLE. KID. So the trip to the pet store is on.
Chapter 12: The Perfect Pet
Ms. Colman outlines what the trip to the pet store will be like. There is absolutely nothing worth writing about.
Chapter 13: for fuck's sake, will this book never end?
Everyone piles on the bus in twos. Karen wants Nancy to sit on her lap. No, really. No mention is made of Natalie barfing, so I guess she hadn't developed that trait yet.
Chapter 14: no, really, these chapters are like two pages long
The name of the pet store is Noah's Ark, but the owner's name isn't Noah, it's Tom. So it's really kind of an uninspired name.
They debate which guinea pig to buy. They pick the one that willingly submits to their manhandling.
Chapter 15: please god let this be the end
On the bus ride back, everyone fights over who gets to hold the guinea pig. Ms. Colman isn't a total idiot, so she lets the room parent do it.
The kids debate names. Chris awesomely pitches "Bradford." Jannie declares that silly and suggests "Fuzzy." Ian suggests "Spot." Personally, I think Bradford is an awesome name for a guinea pig. Terri says "Wiggles." Natalie beats a dead horse and suggests "Barf." It was funny once, Natalie.
Ms. Colman divides them into groups and says they'll vote on the groups' suggestions. Because that worked so damn well the last time.
It's down to Fuzzy, Hootie or Timothy. They name it Hootie. This book is finally over.
Please notice that Nancy's socks are droopy. So they can all STFU.
Chapter 9: Pet Day
Omar's brother is freaking out with excitement because Ms. Colman is letting Omar bring their dog to school. His name is Buster and he's a sheepdog.
Tammy and Terri are punching holes in a shoebox in preparation for something named Frank. They debate dressing him up and giggle over how surprised everyone will be to meet him. I feel confident that I will be disappointed when Frank's species is revealed.
Hannie loads up Noodle the poodle and Myrtle the turtle. I find their pets' names to be intensely annoying and I don't even know why.
Nancy is bummed walking into the classroom without a pet (she decided against the stuffed monkey). She scopes out Omar's "beautiful woolly dog," so I guess Buster is an Old English Sheepdog. Tammy and Terri have their shoe box.
She sees "cats and cages and two other dogs." I'm amazed that the cats aren't flipping their shit and that the dogs aren't playing with each other, marking territory, and generally being pains in the ass, but then...this is Stoneybrook. Natalie, of course, doesn't have a pet. Neither does Ian. Sara brought a stuffed animal. Nancy feels slightly less bummed. I don't think I had a pet in second grade, either. Our cat Fang died when I was very young, and I didn't get my kitty Taffy until I was about nine. My grandparents did get me a puppy, but my grandfather ended up falling in love and being unable to part with her. So basically they gave me a puppy and took it right back. Probably just as well. Dogs in the city are a pain.
Jannie's cat Eloise is wandering around the room hissing at everything. WHY IN THE FUCK ARE THEY LETTING A CAT WANDER LOOSE? Especially with a bunch of strange dogs? My cats would either find a place to hide or bolt out the door at a moment's notice. Jannie's dad is "keeping a close eye" on her from the back of the room, which is somehow supposed to be useful. AMM has had like a dozen cats over the course of the BSC's run. Surely she would at least know something about feline behavior.
Frank is a frog. Told you. Disappointing.
Sara is grossed out by the frog for some reason.
Hannie offers Nancy Myrtle for the day, which is actually really nice of her, since she barely knows her.
Chapter 10: Best Friends
Ms. Colman invites each kid to come to the front of the room and talk about their pet. Again, I fail to see how this had to be handled by having every pet congregate in the room at once.
Hank brings his mutt, Jack, to the head of the class. Jack is a holy terror, biting Natalie and somehow getting away to chase Eloise. Jannie is pissed. FINALLY Jannie's dad stuffs the poor cat back into her carrier, and Hank's dad has the sense to escort Jack out of the classroom.
Nancy carries Myrtle to the front of the class, despite not really knowing anything about her. And then leads everyone to believe that Myrtle is actually hers, because AMM wants kids to know that lying by omission is awesome:
“This is Myrtle the Turtle,” she began. “Myrtle is, um, she is … hmm. I forgot how old Myrtle is.” in the back of the room Hannie held up one finger. “Oh, yeah, she is a year old,” said Nancy. “She is very, um, friendly. And … and … let me see. Her shell is quite hard. She is - ”
“What kind of turtle is she, Nancy?” asked Ian.
“Well, everyone knows she is a box turtle,” spoke up Hannie.
“She likes to play, and she is a very good pet,” Nancy finished up. Then she sat down in a hurry. There. Done. She had not even had to admit that Myrtle was not her own pet. (Although she thought the kids knew anyway.)
Nancy sweetly thanks Hannie for the loaner turtle and says she's a good friend. The exchange is actually really cute:
“Thanks, Hannie,” whispered Nancy. “You are a great friend.”
“You’re welcome,” Hannie whispered back. “You are a great friend, too.”
“I am?”
“Sure. Karen has told me about you. You sound like a good friend, anyway.”
Aw! Tell me why these nice, normal little girls are friends with Karen? They continue to whisper back and forth while Chris tells everyone about his rabbit. Ms. Colman actually tells them to STFU, because they aren't Karen. They wait until Chris is done, and Nancy formally asks Hannie to be her second-grade best friend. Hannie accepts. This would all be very sweet and adorable, except we ALL KNOW WHAT'S COMING. Sigh.
Chapter 11: Karen's Surprise
Motherfucking Karen shows up. And we're stuck with her.
Immediately we switch to Karen's POV because AMM hates us. Ms. Colman actually tells her not to talk, but we're stuck listening to her train of thought anyway:
She wanted to say a million things. She wanted to say that she was best friends with Nancy and also with Hannie. She wanted to say that it was so great that Nancy and Hannie were best friends now, too. She wanted to say that this meant they could all be best friends together. Plus, she wanted to say that that very morning she had watched a cartoon about a great big chicken and a tiny little chicken hawk -
(Okay, I have to agree with Karen on that point: Foghorn Leghorn and the chicken hawk = comedy GOLD.)
Ms. Colman's brilliant method of trying to solve the pet voting dilemma? Everyone votes again in case someone changed their mind. Sigh.
Karen, of course, starts shouting that they should get a guinea pig instead of voting for a rabbit or a hamster and everyone agrees because that's how this shit rolls. EVERY. SINGLE. KID. So the trip to the pet store is on.
Chapter 12: The Perfect Pet
Ms. Colman outlines what the trip to the pet store will be like. There is absolutely nothing worth writing about.
Chapter 13: for fuck's sake, will this book never end?
Everyone piles on the bus in twos. Karen wants Nancy to sit on her lap. No, really. No mention is made of Natalie barfing, so I guess she hadn't developed that trait yet.
Chapter 14: no, really, these chapters are like two pages long
The name of the pet store is Noah's Ark, but the owner's name isn't Noah, it's Tom. So it's really kind of an uninspired name.
They debate which guinea pig to buy. They pick the one that willingly submits to their manhandling.
Chapter 15: please god let this be the end
On the bus ride back, everyone fights over who gets to hold the guinea pig. Ms. Colman isn't a total idiot, so she lets the room parent do it.
The kids debate names. Chris awesomely pitches "Bradford." Jannie declares that silly and suggests "Fuzzy." Ian suggests "Spot." Personally, I think Bradford is an awesome name for a guinea pig. Terri says "Wiggles." Natalie beats a dead horse and suggests "Barf." It was funny once, Natalie.
Ms. Colman divides them into groups and says they'll vote on the groups' suggestions. Because that worked so damn well the last time.
It's down to Fuzzy, Hootie or Timothy. They name it Hootie. This book is finally over.
Please notice that Nancy's socks are droopy. So they can all STFU.