The caesura-creating comma at the center of each line gets monotonous. Worse, some of the commas are either unneccessary or actually grammatically incorrect! I'd suggest varying sentence structure, or at the very least looking up comma usage rules.
Otherwise, make your images more specific. As a reader, it's very hard for me to picture a scene unless I have details. For example: what do the woman's eyes look like? Is the bed in a hospital or in a house? Was it a tropical beach or a beach in a temperate climate? Most importantly, add in details that appeal to the senses: things you can see, hear, smell, taste and/or touch.
It should be "THEIR love is strong within him" (or, even better, "HIS love is strong within him") I've never been a fan of rhyming, it usually sounds forced, but I have to say most of yours are pretty good. But as chibibluebird says, the meter of some of the lines is awkward. Some lines in this poem seem redundant. For instance, there are several that basically say, "the guy told her this wouldn't be their last night." "To stay with her through this all" makes no sense. "Heaven will guide him with their drums" makes even less sense. Whose drums? Since when are drums associated with heaven? I don't even believe in heaven, and that sounds weird. It should be "they didn't think a love like theirs exisTED," but I know that doesn't rhyme--maybe something like, "they didn't think a love like theirs could ever exist? "He tells her please not to doze." "Doze" seems kind of informal here. I think maybe the first line is unnecessary. Sorry, I know a bunch of this is negative--I think it has good potential, though.
Comments 4
I'd suggest varying sentence structure, or at the very least looking up comma usage rules.
Otherwise, make your images more specific. As a reader, it's very hard for me to picture a scene unless I have details. For example: what do the woman's eyes look like? Is the bed in a hospital or in a house? Was it a tropical beach or a beach in a temperate climate? Most importantly, add in details that appeal to the senses: things you can see, hear, smell, taste and/or touch.
Good idea for a poem!
Reply
Reply
I've never been a fan of rhyming, it usually sounds forced, but I have to say most of yours are pretty good. But as chibibluebird says, the meter of some of the lines is awkward.
Some lines in this poem seem redundant. For instance, there are several that basically say, "the guy told her this wouldn't be their last night."
"To stay with her through this all" makes no sense.
"Heaven will guide him with their drums" makes even less sense. Whose drums? Since when are drums associated with heaven? I don't even believe in heaven, and that sounds weird.
It should be "they didn't think a love like theirs exisTED," but I know that doesn't rhyme--maybe something like, "they didn't think a love like theirs could ever exist?
"He tells her please not to doze." "Doze" seems kind of informal here.
I think maybe the first line is unnecessary.
Sorry, I know a bunch of this is negative--I think it has good potential, though.
Reply
Reply
Leave a comment