Hi there, I've just stumbled onto this community and think that the idea is wonderful. I bring with me one poem and one set of song lyrics (if song lyrics are allowed) all ready for some crit.
The biggest problem for me is that they're so abstract and broad. Words like "dream," and "paradise," and "soul" almost have no meaning because they're so broad and ordinary. Pull your images back to more concrete ideas, like the thorns or the carpenter. I actually think those two images are the most unique and interesting in the piece, so maybe you could do more with those.
I think you are overly simplifying things and it is coming off as cliche (in both the poem and the song). This all feels done before and ordinary. Don't be afraid to completely pull away from that and really make your thoughts your own.
The two that I posted are old-ish piece, and now I've sort of realised that my previous work was-not-very-good and am trying to change my style and improve. So I'll take your advice onboard, and hopefully, what I turn out next will be better.
Comments 2
I think you are overly simplifying things and it is coming off as cliche (in both the poem and the song). This all feels done before and ordinary. Don't be afraid to completely pull away from that and really make your thoughts your own.
Reply
The two that I posted are old-ish piece, and now I've sort of realised that my previous work was-not-very-good and am trying to change my style and improve. So I'll take your advice onboard, and hopefully, what I turn out next will be better.
Reply
Leave a comment