(no subject)
Hi there, I've just stumbled onto this community and think that the idea is wonderful. I bring with me one poem and one set of song lyrics (if song lyrics are allowed) all ready for some crit.
(Untitled Poem)
There was a dream I once had and
it was so sweet to be almost sad
We were sitting side by side
each picking thorns from our flesh
You turned to me and I thought it
how strange to be talking so easily
as the mound of thorns at our side grew
Walking into paradise
I saw a multitude of souls
All working
Stopping by a carpenter
I asked him why he worked
and he replied
If I stop I’ll see
Note: I'm not quite sure whether to just leave it there, as those two stanzas, or whether to expand on the contained ideas.
Misdirection - Song Lyrics
Just fantasize
If you were the drug that allowed me to exist
If I depended on you
Just imagine it
If that was reality
How would it feel to you?
I’m captivated by you
Every night I drink more of your words
Every night I heal only to be scarred again by you
Let me stay, let me trace all your edges
I think you’re destroying me
Being broken’s become a tenderness now
I’m not sure if being whole’s going to be enough
It’s a strain to whisper that this must stop
I can’t rid myself of you, I need a time erasing cure
To stop me from wanting this more
I don’t understand how I can adore you so
I would give you any remnants of myself willingly
I would give them up completely, drowning
I’m afraid I’ve forgotten how to escape
Note: I tried to use images and words that were immediate, and simple to understand, but I wonder if it ends up coming across as cliched.
(Untitled Poem)
There was a dream I once had and
it was so sweet to be almost sad
We were sitting side by side
each picking thorns from our flesh
You turned to me and I thought it
how strange to be talking so easily
as the mound of thorns at our side grew
Walking into paradise
I saw a multitude of souls
All working
Stopping by a carpenter
I asked him why he worked
and he replied
If I stop I’ll see
Note: I'm not quite sure whether to just leave it there, as those two stanzas, or whether to expand on the contained ideas.
Misdirection - Song Lyrics
Just fantasize
If you were the drug that allowed me to exist
If I depended on you
Just imagine it
If that was reality
How would it feel to you?
I’m captivated by you
Every night I drink more of your words
Every night I heal only to be scarred again by you
Let me stay, let me trace all your edges
I think you’re destroying me
Being broken’s become a tenderness now
I’m not sure if being whole’s going to be enough
It’s a strain to whisper that this must stop
I can’t rid myself of you, I need a time erasing cure
To stop me from wanting this more
I don’t understand how I can adore you so
I would give you any remnants of myself willingly
I would give them up completely, drowning
I’m afraid I’ve forgotten how to escape
Note: I tried to use images and words that were immediate, and simple to understand, but I wonder if it ends up coming across as cliched.