I am very angry at you right now.
Very angry. And hurt, and confused and-- even though I was somewhat happier today than I have been for this past week-- very unhappy right now, and very angry.
You told me to write and to speak to you, that you perferred I be brutal and honest than quiet and closed off from you. This is the only way that I can say everything I feel I want/need ( Read more... )
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But the thing that stays constant that are the points-- eventhough they were blown a little out of proportion, they still worry me. For instance, where it is not likely that Keith will lose his job, what does worry me is that it has more of a chance now.
Ms. Cad had suspicions, but I doubt she knew for a _fact_.
Most of this is an overreaction because I, at the time, was very angry and I do not like speaking when I'm angry. i don't ever want to do it again.
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i do not regret anything i said last night. anything. i am not motivated by jealousy or revenge. i do not want to see you hurt and i do not want to see keith hurt. what do i profit from that. nothing. what would i profit from breaking you and keith up. nothing. do you think that i am so naive to think that if i broke you and keith up that we would be back together. no. i understand that you are angry.
however.
i did not put you in this situation. perhaps i have not done anything to make it better. you knew the risks involved same as you knew the risks involved between you and me. i will not speak to you in anger because then i will only say things that i regret. and i gain nothing from doing that.
ms. cad seeks no revenge and sees nothing that she needs to report. i do not wish to see you fall. and i hope that you see that. i do not see how that you think that i would make it seem that you had sexual relations or why you think i would.
still it is up to you
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thats all i can say. i feel so much guilt for all the pain i have caused you. all i want to do is end myself. i know that would cause you more trouble. not because i would be gone but because of what it would open up. i dont feel good about myself and i know why. its because i hurt you. i didnt hit you but i did worse. much worse. i understand that you dont want to talk to me any more and i dont blame you. i dont want to talk to myself any more. all i feel is guilt.
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I never wanted to be the cause of this. I don't want to be your cancer or your destabilizing force. I am, though.
It's not that I don't want to talk to you because of what you did. That's not it at all. I don't want you to talk to me because I think (and I have quite frequently thought since last may) that you could do better and that I would hurt you. I'm not backing down from that.
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- Kipp
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