Slowly, But Exceeding Fine; Chapter Four
Title: Slowly, But Exceeding Fine
Author: lemon_bar
Rating: R
Summary: Sequel to 'A Thousand Beautiful Things'. Brian Kinney lives in the highest loft on Tremont Street. He has imported Italian fixtures, designer clothes and neon blue lights above his bed. He has also gone to bed every night for the past three weeks holding a teddy bear with movie-star glasses and a purple T-shirt, and can't help thinking the bear is just a placeholder.
Previous Posts: Chapter One; Chapter Two; Chapter Three;
Chapter Four: Every Colour of Confusion
If there was one thing Brian hadn’t been expecting to do on the Sunday morning following his return from his business trip, it was to be sitting in church with his mother. She’d called almost as soon as he’d walked into his loft. He’d barely had the chance to drop his bags by the door and reach the phone.
Brian could admit to himself that he would have ignored the call entirely if there hadn’t been a niggling bit of worry that maybe it was Liberty Hospital, calling because something had happened to Justin. It was a ludicrous concern; the staff probably wouldn’t call him even if something had happened because he really had no ties to the young blond. Still, there was the chance that Daphne or maybe even Debbie had phoned.
He’d been unsurprised to find that it wasn’t Liberty Hospital on the other end of the phone. What had surprised him was that it was his mother, armed and ready with a fresh dose of guilt that she wielded ruthlessly until he succumbed to her wishes.
“The next time you have to go to church,” he said by way of greeting when he’d arrived at her house to pick her up. “Have Claire drive you.”
“I phoned her first, naturally,” Joan Kinney had replied. “But she’s busy with the boys today.” So Brian sat in a pew and went through the motions -- stand, kneel, sit, repeat. All the while, he was imagining the things Dr. Pritchard would say to him about this.
“You felt you had to go?” Dr. Erik asked him on Tuesday.
“I didn’t have to go,” Brian replied. “That’s ridiculous. I’m an adult. I don’t have to do anything.”
“But you said yes,” Dr. Erik said.
“It’s easier, in the long-run, to just give her what she wants. Otherwise she slings more guilt, and then moans and bitches, and she calls back for weeks following, and if you don’t answer she leaves messages. You should hear her messages, they sound as if she’s trapped in the machine.”
“What concerns me is you are becoming trapped in an unhealthy cycle with your family. It’s one that is quite common, and easy to fall into, and as a therapist my stance on it is quite uncommon. I wonder if this same treatment applies to your father. Do you help him out like this?”
“My father’s dead,” Brian said, tonelessly.
“Before his death?” Dr. Erik asked. Brian was somewhat pleased that the man didn’t offer his condolences.
“When he needed money, I always gave it to him. I would visit him about once a month, or so,” Brian admitted.
“There’s nothing to be embarrassed about, nothing to worry about. It’s natural for a child to want to please their parents, to want to make them proud. Often, the more impossible a parent is to please, the harder the child tries. In cases of abuse, this escalates even more. Your behaviour is completely understandable and acceptable. But in order to really move on, it’s time to confront your feelings about your mother -- and your father -- and perhaps come to a decision. It’s about being authentic to your real feelings.” Brian snorted, as he always did, at the mention of ‘feelings’. “For the next little while, think about your relationship with each of your parents, how you feel when they ask you to do something, and why you end-up doing whatever you do.”
..........................
Justin sat on the floor in the rec room, his back against the wall and staring at the opposite side of the room. Daphne, who had known Justin since he was seventeen, was familiar with the way Justin’s fingers were twitching. She ducked out of the rec room, and returned a moment later to slip a pencil between his restless fingers and drop a sketchpad onto his lap.
“He hardly stops, does he?” Debbie said with a fond smile.
“Nope,” Daphne agreed. “Do you think Mr. Montgomery would agree to allow Justin to paint a mural. I mean, that walls been bugging the patients and the staff for ages. It would also give Justin something to do, you know. It might make him feel productive.” Mr. Montgomery was the founder of Liberty Hospital, inspired by his wife, whom he had loved completely who had a breakdown. The treatments they had given her had done nothing but make her worse. She’d committed suicide, which was all too common among people with mental illnesses. The system just didn’t support them, didn’t do everything it could for them.
“You could try, Honey,” Debbie said. “Might talk to Lindsay, she’d probably back you up.”
Daphne grinned and looked back at Justin. “Okay.”
.............................
Jack Kinney had died not knowing that his son was a homosexual. Brian’s motto was that his sexuality was no one’s business but his own. He hadn’t told anyone in his immediate family based on this idea. The truth was that he was also a little afraid of how the news might be received. His mother was a firm churchgoer and had no tolerance for anything that was ‘different’. His father was as much of a red-necked homophobic asshole as you could get without coming from a hick-town. He knew how any member of his family would receive the news, and he didn’t want to deal with it. On some level, he wasn’t done trying to make them proud.
Added to that, Brian had firm ideas on how a man should behave. Mostly they’d grown-out of watching his father and coming to the conclusion that he didn’t want to be anything like that. So when his sister needed money, Brian gave it to her. When his mother needed help, Brian helped. He was head of the family, whether they saw it that way or not. Those two sides of him, the part that wanted to do-right by his family, and the part that was infuriated, disgusted and fed-up with the fa ade they all put-on, warred in him constantly. He didn’t need to ask Dr. Erik to know it wasn’t healthy. That didn’t make it any easier, either.
He flashed to a memory of Justin, standing on their hill and admitting that seventeen, he had been so ready to be queer. Once he’d realized what he was he’d embraced it. Brian had never been like that. He’d gone through a period where suspicions about his sexuality had rolled around in his head. He’d fucked around a bit in high school, his first experience being with his gym teacher. But once he’d hit college, he’d still fought it. He’d slept with several women, hoping each time that maybe he’d feel something for one of them. After that, he’d had no choice but to admit he was gay. For all intents and purposes, he’d embraced it. He’d gone through men left right and centre. He still couldn’t brings himself to tell his family. Not even when his father had told him he was dying of cancer, Brian just couldn’t do it. At the time it was because he believed so strongly that it was no one’s business.
It wasn’t anyone’s business. But the fact remained that there was a certain amount of relief, and maybe a bit of closure that could be had from coming out, and Brian didn’t have that, because he couldn’t bring himself to do it.
“Brian,” Joan called, her voice loud enough to be heard inside the loft, where Brian had been ignoring her incessant knocking. “I have your favourite, chocolate chocolate chip.”
“Fuck it,” Brian said. He answered the door and let her in. The woman was drinking herself into her grave, and he didn’t want to deal with her bible-thumping ballistics at that moment. It could wait.
............................
“I’m painting a mural,” Justin told Brian and Emmett happily as they sat with Michael at one of the picnic tables in the garden.
“It’s not of me naked, is it?” Brian asked.
“That was one sketch! One sketch, and suddenly your naked self is all I draw!” Justin said. Brian snickered. He’d found the sketch when he’d been looking through Justin’s work. Justin had been embarrassed, but had merely shrugged it off. Brian couldn’t resist teasing the young blond about it, however.
“It’s really cool,” Michael said. “I’m helping a bit.”
“Daphne asked Mr. Montgomery, and he was all excited. And I get paid,” Justin said.
“You’re getting paid?” Michael asked.
“Yeah!” Justin said, his excitement infecting everyone.
“Like, actual dollars?” Michael asked.
“No, he’s paying me in Monopoly money,” Justin said.
“Well, how come I’m not getting paid?” Michael asked.
“I’m doing all the work!” Justin said. Brian rolled his eyes and Emmett covered his mouth, hoping no one noticed his laughter.
“I’m handing you brushes, and collecting those popsicle things so you can fish-out your paint,” Michael said.
“Yeah, and I said I’d give you a small cut,” Justin said.
“Okay then,” Michael agreed easily.
“Anyway, I’ve been working on the sketch all week,” Justin finished. Brian found it amusing that he’d been informed of the new rolling chairs and the various adventures Michael and Justin had been on with those chairs before he’d heard about the mural, then again, with the way Justin was looking at him, it seemed to be the more significant topic, even if Justin threw it out there as if it were nothing big. So Brian congratulated him, and Justin spent the rest of the day positively beaming.
.........................
“Brian!” Brian stopped on his way into Babylon and looked around. Sure enough, clad in mango-coloured leather pants and a white gauzey shirt stood Emmett, his long arms waving from midway down the line.
“Who’s that?” Ben asked.
“Are those paints actually mango-coloured?” David asked.
“Get your ass over here, Honeycutt,” Brian called.
“Ooh! It’s so exciting to see you here!” Emmett said as he bounced over to the group. “And you look so marvellous! Who are your friends?”
Brian smirked at David’s reaction to the vibrant man. David was a chiropractor and as reserved as you could get without becoming a redneck, Bible-thumping homophobe. “This is Ben Bruckner,” Brian introduced, Ben smiled and shook Emmett’s hand. “And his ... boyfriend ... David Cameron.” David looked a bit constipated, but he shook Emmett’s hand just the same.
“Well, I feel like I’ve known all of you for forever,” Emmett said. “I’m Emmett Honeycutt. I was at Liberty Hospital with Brian. That place works miracles. I was in there for my panic, and believe me, they just fix you right up!” Brian was snickering, but Emmett seemed right at home, falling into conversation with Ben, and they cut the line to Babylon.
.....................
Ben was dancing with David, but he was watching Brian. Since Brian’s return, Ben had been having trouble adjusting to the new Brian. When he’d first met David, he had been attracted to the idea of a steady, stable relationship. They were the perfect match, neither one into the party-life, both enjoying a good book. Brian had rolled his eyes and made all sorts of cracks at their expense, but Ben had really believed that this was it, this was what love was supposed to be like.
Brian had returned from Liberty greatly changed, however. He didn’t do drugs, he barely tricked, and then only when he needed his needs met. He went dancing and drank with his friends and played pool. Brian’s return had coincided with Ben’s realization that while he hadn’t been into partying, he’d enjoyed casual nights out on Liberty, playing pool at Woody’s, dancing at Babylon. David wasn’t into either. And most of the time, David was cool and condescending to Brian. Ben had known Brian for a long while, and his loyalty, first and foremost, was with his friend. He couldn’t help but admit that David wasn’t quite what Ben had been hoping for. Now, though, it seemed like Brian might be.
“There’s some weird dynamic going on between you and your friends,” Emmett said, sipping at his cosmo and leaning against the bar. He raised his eyebrows at Brian, then turned his head dramatically to look to where Ben and David were dancing.
“What?” Brian asked.
“I mean, hunka-liscious over there has been making Bambi-eyes at you all night,” Emmett said.
“Ben’s a happily married man,” Brian snarked. “And I’m not interested.”
“Well, Honey, I just call it as I see it,” Emmett said with a shrug. “I don’t suppose you dance?”
Because Brian wasn’t the sort of man to say ‘Not with any sort of skill’, he said “No.” and left it at that.
Emmett shrugged. “Well, I’m going to go shake a tail-feather,” Emmett said, and pushed away from the bar. Brian spared a glance to where Ben and David were dancing. He hoped Emmett was wrong, but he thought, probably not. It was just like how his luck had been going that Ben would start trying to pick-up what they had started when they’d first met. Ben had been a trick, nothing special just entertainment when Brian had been at the White Party. Except, once he’d returned to Pittsburgh, Ben had been at Babylon and Woody’s, and had been excited to see a familiar face in a new town.
He’d moved to Pittsburgh because he’d got a job as a professor at Carnegie Melon. After bumping into each other frequently around town, Ben and Brian had become friends, but Brian had made it clear that ‘friends’ was all they were.
Between his mother playing ‘happy family’; Dr. Erik’s ‘homework assignment’; his own frustrations with the sense of something vital missing; his Liberty visits and constant worries about Justin; the last thing Brian needed was Ben trying to pursue something that would never happen. Brian wasn’t a fan of David; he was condescending, conceited and a bit of a prude. Still, Brian would rather see Ben with David that chasing after him.
His cell-phone rang, and he tossed back a Beam, flagging the bartender down for a refill as he answered it. “Brian!” his sister’s voice was unmistakable. “I need you to watch the boys tomorrow, I have a doctor’s appointment, and mom is going to a church group that’s meeting for the whole day!”
“Un-fucking-believable,” Brian muttered.
on to Chapter Five
Author: lemon_bar
Rating: R
Summary: Sequel to 'A Thousand Beautiful Things'. Brian Kinney lives in the highest loft on Tremont Street. He has imported Italian fixtures, designer clothes and neon blue lights above his bed. He has also gone to bed every night for the past three weeks holding a teddy bear with movie-star glasses and a purple T-shirt, and can't help thinking the bear is just a placeholder.
Previous Posts: Chapter One; Chapter Two; Chapter Three;
Chapter Four: Every Colour of Confusion
If there was one thing Brian hadn’t been expecting to do on the Sunday morning following his return from his business trip, it was to be sitting in church with his mother. She’d called almost as soon as he’d walked into his loft. He’d barely had the chance to drop his bags by the door and reach the phone.
Brian could admit to himself that he would have ignored the call entirely if there hadn’t been a niggling bit of worry that maybe it was Liberty Hospital, calling because something had happened to Justin. It was a ludicrous concern; the staff probably wouldn’t call him even if something had happened because he really had no ties to the young blond. Still, there was the chance that Daphne or maybe even Debbie had phoned.
He’d been unsurprised to find that it wasn’t Liberty Hospital on the other end of the phone. What had surprised him was that it was his mother, armed and ready with a fresh dose of guilt that she wielded ruthlessly until he succumbed to her wishes.
“The next time you have to go to church,” he said by way of greeting when he’d arrived at her house to pick her up. “Have Claire drive you.”
“I phoned her first, naturally,” Joan Kinney had replied. “But she’s busy with the boys today.” So Brian sat in a pew and went through the motions -- stand, kneel, sit, repeat. All the while, he was imagining the things Dr. Pritchard would say to him about this.
“You felt you had to go?” Dr. Erik asked him on Tuesday.
“I didn’t have to go,” Brian replied. “That’s ridiculous. I’m an adult. I don’t have to do anything.”
“But you said yes,” Dr. Erik said.
“It’s easier, in the long-run, to just give her what she wants. Otherwise she slings more guilt, and then moans and bitches, and she calls back for weeks following, and if you don’t answer she leaves messages. You should hear her messages, they sound as if she’s trapped in the machine.”
“What concerns me is you are becoming trapped in an unhealthy cycle with your family. It’s one that is quite common, and easy to fall into, and as a therapist my stance on it is quite uncommon. I wonder if this same treatment applies to your father. Do you help him out like this?”
“My father’s dead,” Brian said, tonelessly.
“Before his death?” Dr. Erik asked. Brian was somewhat pleased that the man didn’t offer his condolences.
“When he needed money, I always gave it to him. I would visit him about once a month, or so,” Brian admitted.
“There’s nothing to be embarrassed about, nothing to worry about. It’s natural for a child to want to please their parents, to want to make them proud. Often, the more impossible a parent is to please, the harder the child tries. In cases of abuse, this escalates even more. Your behaviour is completely understandable and acceptable. But in order to really move on, it’s time to confront your feelings about your mother -- and your father -- and perhaps come to a decision. It’s about being authentic to your real feelings.” Brian snorted, as he always did, at the mention of ‘feelings’. “For the next little while, think about your relationship with each of your parents, how you feel when they ask you to do something, and why you end-up doing whatever you do.”
..........................
Justin sat on the floor in the rec room, his back against the wall and staring at the opposite side of the room. Daphne, who had known Justin since he was seventeen, was familiar with the way Justin’s fingers were twitching. She ducked out of the rec room, and returned a moment later to slip a pencil between his restless fingers and drop a sketchpad onto his lap.
“He hardly stops, does he?” Debbie said with a fond smile.
“Nope,” Daphne agreed. “Do you think Mr. Montgomery would agree to allow Justin to paint a mural. I mean, that walls been bugging the patients and the staff for ages. It would also give Justin something to do, you know. It might make him feel productive.” Mr. Montgomery was the founder of Liberty Hospital, inspired by his wife, whom he had loved completely who had a breakdown. The treatments they had given her had done nothing but make her worse. She’d committed suicide, which was all too common among people with mental illnesses. The system just didn’t support them, didn’t do everything it could for them.
“You could try, Honey,” Debbie said. “Might talk to Lindsay, she’d probably back you up.”
Daphne grinned and looked back at Justin. “Okay.”
.............................
Jack Kinney had died not knowing that his son was a homosexual. Brian’s motto was that his sexuality was no one’s business but his own. He hadn’t told anyone in his immediate family based on this idea. The truth was that he was also a little afraid of how the news might be received. His mother was a firm churchgoer and had no tolerance for anything that was ‘different’. His father was as much of a red-necked homophobic asshole as you could get without coming from a hick-town. He knew how any member of his family would receive the news, and he didn’t want to deal with it. On some level, he wasn’t done trying to make them proud.
Added to that, Brian had firm ideas on how a man should behave. Mostly they’d grown-out of watching his father and coming to the conclusion that he didn’t want to be anything like that. So when his sister needed money, Brian gave it to her. When his mother needed help, Brian helped. He was head of the family, whether they saw it that way or not. Those two sides of him, the part that wanted to do-right by his family, and the part that was infuriated, disgusted and fed-up with the fa ade they all put-on, warred in him constantly. He didn’t need to ask Dr. Erik to know it wasn’t healthy. That didn’t make it any easier, either.
He flashed to a memory of Justin, standing on their hill and admitting that seventeen, he had been so ready to be queer. Once he’d realized what he was he’d embraced it. Brian had never been like that. He’d gone through a period where suspicions about his sexuality had rolled around in his head. He’d fucked around a bit in high school, his first experience being with his gym teacher. But once he’d hit college, he’d still fought it. He’d slept with several women, hoping each time that maybe he’d feel something for one of them. After that, he’d had no choice but to admit he was gay. For all intents and purposes, he’d embraced it. He’d gone through men left right and centre. He still couldn’t brings himself to tell his family. Not even when his father had told him he was dying of cancer, Brian just couldn’t do it. At the time it was because he believed so strongly that it was no one’s business.
It wasn’t anyone’s business. But the fact remained that there was a certain amount of relief, and maybe a bit of closure that could be had from coming out, and Brian didn’t have that, because he couldn’t bring himself to do it.
“Brian,” Joan called, her voice loud enough to be heard inside the loft, where Brian had been ignoring her incessant knocking. “I have your favourite, chocolate chocolate chip.”
“Fuck it,” Brian said. He answered the door and let her in. The woman was drinking herself into her grave, and he didn’t want to deal with her bible-thumping ballistics at that moment. It could wait.
............................
“I’m painting a mural,” Justin told Brian and Emmett happily as they sat with Michael at one of the picnic tables in the garden.
“It’s not of me naked, is it?” Brian asked.
“That was one sketch! One sketch, and suddenly your naked self is all I draw!” Justin said. Brian snickered. He’d found the sketch when he’d been looking through Justin’s work. Justin had been embarrassed, but had merely shrugged it off. Brian couldn’t resist teasing the young blond about it, however.
“It’s really cool,” Michael said. “I’m helping a bit.”
“Daphne asked Mr. Montgomery, and he was all excited. And I get paid,” Justin said.
“You’re getting paid?” Michael asked.
“Yeah!” Justin said, his excitement infecting everyone.
“Like, actual dollars?” Michael asked.
“No, he’s paying me in Monopoly money,” Justin said.
“Well, how come I’m not getting paid?” Michael asked.
“I’m doing all the work!” Justin said. Brian rolled his eyes and Emmett covered his mouth, hoping no one noticed his laughter.
“I’m handing you brushes, and collecting those popsicle things so you can fish-out your paint,” Michael said.
“Yeah, and I said I’d give you a small cut,” Justin said.
“Okay then,” Michael agreed easily.
“Anyway, I’ve been working on the sketch all week,” Justin finished. Brian found it amusing that he’d been informed of the new rolling chairs and the various adventures Michael and Justin had been on with those chairs before he’d heard about the mural, then again, with the way Justin was looking at him, it seemed to be the more significant topic, even if Justin threw it out there as if it were nothing big. So Brian congratulated him, and Justin spent the rest of the day positively beaming.
.........................
“Brian!” Brian stopped on his way into Babylon and looked around. Sure enough, clad in mango-coloured leather pants and a white gauzey shirt stood Emmett, his long arms waving from midway down the line.
“Who’s that?” Ben asked.
“Are those paints actually mango-coloured?” David asked.
“Get your ass over here, Honeycutt,” Brian called.
“Ooh! It’s so exciting to see you here!” Emmett said as he bounced over to the group. “And you look so marvellous! Who are your friends?”
Brian smirked at David’s reaction to the vibrant man. David was a chiropractor and as reserved as you could get without becoming a redneck, Bible-thumping homophobe. “This is Ben Bruckner,” Brian introduced, Ben smiled and shook Emmett’s hand. “And his ... boyfriend ... David Cameron.” David looked a bit constipated, but he shook Emmett’s hand just the same.
“Well, I feel like I’ve known all of you for forever,” Emmett said. “I’m Emmett Honeycutt. I was at Liberty Hospital with Brian. That place works miracles. I was in there for my panic, and believe me, they just fix you right up!” Brian was snickering, but Emmett seemed right at home, falling into conversation with Ben, and they cut the line to Babylon.
.....................
Ben was dancing with David, but he was watching Brian. Since Brian’s return, Ben had been having trouble adjusting to the new Brian. When he’d first met David, he had been attracted to the idea of a steady, stable relationship. They were the perfect match, neither one into the party-life, both enjoying a good book. Brian had rolled his eyes and made all sorts of cracks at their expense, but Ben had really believed that this was it, this was what love was supposed to be like.
Brian had returned from Liberty greatly changed, however. He didn’t do drugs, he barely tricked, and then only when he needed his needs met. He went dancing and drank with his friends and played pool. Brian’s return had coincided with Ben’s realization that while he hadn’t been into partying, he’d enjoyed casual nights out on Liberty, playing pool at Woody’s, dancing at Babylon. David wasn’t into either. And most of the time, David was cool and condescending to Brian. Ben had known Brian for a long while, and his loyalty, first and foremost, was with his friend. He couldn’t help but admit that David wasn’t quite what Ben had been hoping for. Now, though, it seemed like Brian might be.
“There’s some weird dynamic going on between you and your friends,” Emmett said, sipping at his cosmo and leaning against the bar. He raised his eyebrows at Brian, then turned his head dramatically to look to where Ben and David were dancing.
“What?” Brian asked.
“I mean, hunka-liscious over there has been making Bambi-eyes at you all night,” Emmett said.
“Ben’s a happily married man,” Brian snarked. “And I’m not interested.”
“Well, Honey, I just call it as I see it,” Emmett said with a shrug. “I don’t suppose you dance?”
Because Brian wasn’t the sort of man to say ‘Not with any sort of skill’, he said “No.” and left it at that.
Emmett shrugged. “Well, I’m going to go shake a tail-feather,” Emmett said, and pushed away from the bar. Brian spared a glance to where Ben and David were dancing. He hoped Emmett was wrong, but he thought, probably not. It was just like how his luck had been going that Ben would start trying to pick-up what they had started when they’d first met. Ben had been a trick, nothing special just entertainment when Brian had been at the White Party. Except, once he’d returned to Pittsburgh, Ben had been at Babylon and Woody’s, and had been excited to see a familiar face in a new town.
He’d moved to Pittsburgh because he’d got a job as a professor at Carnegie Melon. After bumping into each other frequently around town, Ben and Brian had become friends, but Brian had made it clear that ‘friends’ was all they were.
Between his mother playing ‘happy family’; Dr. Erik’s ‘homework assignment’; his own frustrations with the sense of something vital missing; his Liberty visits and constant worries about Justin; the last thing Brian needed was Ben trying to pursue something that would never happen. Brian wasn’t a fan of David; he was condescending, conceited and a bit of a prude. Still, Brian would rather see Ben with David that chasing after him.
His cell-phone rang, and he tossed back a Beam, flagging the bartender down for a refill as he answered it. “Brian!” his sister’s voice was unmistakable. “I need you to watch the boys tomorrow, I have a doctor’s appointment, and mom is going to a church group that’s meeting for the whole day!”
“Un-fucking-believable,” Brian muttered.
on to Chapter Five