31 Plays in 31 Days, #13 - "About Me"
This is the second half of the scene started for Day #9 - Nothing in Common, which would make up the opening scene of a theoretical Bridesmaids comedy pilot. Again, trying to establish the premise, the primary players, and their relationships, all the while making the audience laugh.
All resemblances to persons living or dead are not coincidences, but done entirely with love. 😁
“About Me”
From Bridesmaids
By Phoebe Roberts
~~~
INT. DR. BELL’S OFFICE - DAY
JESS
I love my friends. And I know they care about me. It’s just sometimes, I feel like they don't always…
INT. CLOTHING STORE - DAY
JESS (V.O.)
…see me. If you know what I mean.
As Paulina tries on a fierce, high-fashion dress with cutouts in front of a mirror, Jess eyes a couple of mannequins about as wide as one of her thighs.
PAULINA
Ugh. If I known I'd look like this, I’d never have stayed on solid food.
JESS
Yeah. Totally.
EXT. PARK - DAY
Jess and Hannah walk together.
JESS
I know it’s not that big a deal, it’s just sometimes I feel like they don’t respect me-
HANNAH
Oh, my God!
JESS
So you see what I mean?
HANNAH
No, there’s a dog over there! Hi, dog! I mean, sorry, go on.
JESS
Yeah, well, I’m trying my best, and I sometimes read too far into things, but-
HANNAH
Oh, my God! The dog’s touching noses with that duck!
JESS
Oh, yeah. Anyway, I-
HANNAH
Oh, my God, Jess, they’re friends! They love each other! I have to get a picture.
She runs off with her phone out.
INT. NANCY’S CAR - EVENING
Jess talks away in the passenger seat as Nancy stares watchfully out the driver’s side window.
JESS
…so I asked the user if he was actually on a Mac rather than a PC, and he was like, “Uh, how do I tell?” So I said, “Well, is there an apple logo on the back of it or not?” And he turned it around and said, “Oh, is that what that is? I thought it was a tooth with a cavity in it!”
Nancy lifts a pair of binoculars to her eyes.
JESS
Are you on a job right now?
NANCY
Don’t worry about it, I’m listening.
INSERT: Through the binoculars, the guy Nancy is watches catches sight of her. He ducks into a car.
JESS
Okay, well, by this point we’ve been on the line for forty minutes because he thought he had a virus on his virus-proof machine-
Nancy floors it. Jess freaks out and braces herself against the dash as they tear after the guy in the other car in a high-speed chase.
JESS
Oh, my God!
NANCY
No, it’s cool! So you were saying the idiot actually managed to screw up his Mac- and then what happened?
INT. CAMPUS - DAY
Tanya strides across the university campus talking on her phone.
TANYA
And today one of my students was wearing a shirt that said “Daddy’s princess”! Can you believe that? That the princess worship in our culture is so pervasive that an adult woman, on track for a professional career, would still take joy in casting herself as a figurehead of pampered, disempowered femininity, whose only significance comes from the accident of her relation to a dictatorial male?
INT. JESS’S CLOSET - DAY
On the other end of the line, Jess stares at herself sadly in the mirror, near tears, wearing a tiara and poofy princess gown. Sadly she takes off the tiara.
JESS
Oh. Yeah. Totally.
INT. DR. BELL’S OFFICE - DAY
JESS
So I’ve decided. I’m getting married. And a wedding is supposed to be about the bride. So I’m going to take this opportunity to... change the settings on our relationships. I’m going to bring them together, and they’re going to have to get along, and- and respect boundaries, and things are going to change.
DR. BELL
That sounds like a very healthy plan. How do you think they’ll take it?
JESS
Um. Well. I don’t know. Either they’ll give me what I need on this one… or I’ll have a nervous breakdown and spend a few relaxing weeks in a mental institution.
DR. BELL
Are you sure that’s an appropriate response?
JESS
Either way, people will be taking care of me this time. So I’m set. For once, something’s going to be about me.
All resemblances to persons living or dead are not coincidences, but done entirely with love. 😁
“About Me”
From Bridesmaids
By Phoebe Roberts
~~~
INT. DR. BELL’S OFFICE - DAY
JESS
I love my friends. And I know they care about me. It’s just sometimes, I feel like they don't always…
INT. CLOTHING STORE - DAY
JESS (V.O.)
…see me. If you know what I mean.
As Paulina tries on a fierce, high-fashion dress with cutouts in front of a mirror, Jess eyes a couple of mannequins about as wide as one of her thighs.
PAULINA
Ugh. If I known I'd look like this, I’d never have stayed on solid food.
JESS
Yeah. Totally.
EXT. PARK - DAY
Jess and Hannah walk together.
JESS
I know it’s not that big a deal, it’s just sometimes I feel like they don’t respect me-
HANNAH
Oh, my God!
JESS
So you see what I mean?
HANNAH
No, there’s a dog over there! Hi, dog! I mean, sorry, go on.
JESS
Yeah, well, I’m trying my best, and I sometimes read too far into things, but-
HANNAH
Oh, my God! The dog’s touching noses with that duck!
JESS
Oh, yeah. Anyway, I-
HANNAH
Oh, my God, Jess, they’re friends! They love each other! I have to get a picture.
She runs off with her phone out.
INT. NANCY’S CAR - EVENING
Jess talks away in the passenger seat as Nancy stares watchfully out the driver’s side window.
JESS
…so I asked the user if he was actually on a Mac rather than a PC, and he was like, “Uh, how do I tell?” So I said, “Well, is there an apple logo on the back of it or not?” And he turned it around and said, “Oh, is that what that is? I thought it was a tooth with a cavity in it!”
Nancy lifts a pair of binoculars to her eyes.
JESS
Are you on a job right now?
NANCY
Don’t worry about it, I’m listening.
INSERT: Through the binoculars, the guy Nancy is watches catches sight of her. He ducks into a car.
JESS
Okay, well, by this point we’ve been on the line for forty minutes because he thought he had a virus on his virus-proof machine-
Nancy floors it. Jess freaks out and braces herself against the dash as they tear after the guy in the other car in a high-speed chase.
JESS
Oh, my God!
NANCY
No, it’s cool! So you were saying the idiot actually managed to screw up his Mac- and then what happened?
INT. CAMPUS - DAY
Tanya strides across the university campus talking on her phone.
TANYA
And today one of my students was wearing a shirt that said “Daddy’s princess”! Can you believe that? That the princess worship in our culture is so pervasive that an adult woman, on track for a professional career, would still take joy in casting herself as a figurehead of pampered, disempowered femininity, whose only significance comes from the accident of her relation to a dictatorial male?
INT. JESS’S CLOSET - DAY
On the other end of the line, Jess stares at herself sadly in the mirror, near tears, wearing a tiara and poofy princess gown. Sadly she takes off the tiara.
JESS
Oh. Yeah. Totally.
INT. DR. BELL’S OFFICE - DAY
JESS
So I’ve decided. I’m getting married. And a wedding is supposed to be about the bride. So I’m going to take this opportunity to... change the settings on our relationships. I’m going to bring them together, and they’re going to have to get along, and- and respect boundaries, and things are going to change.
DR. BELL
That sounds like a very healthy plan. How do you think they’ll take it?
JESS
Um. Well. I don’t know. Either they’ll give me what I need on this one… or I’ll have a nervous breakdown and spend a few relaxing weeks in a mental institution.
DR. BELL
Are you sure that’s an appropriate response?
JESS
Either way, people will be taking care of me this time. So I’m set. For once, something’s going to be about me.