31 Plays in 31 Days, #9 - "Nothing in Common"
Okay, so I did it. I took a stab at actually writing scenes for a "Bridesmaids" comedy series. This is roughly based on the jokes I made about how we as as inwaterwrit's bridesmaids looked like we ought to have a Sex in the City-style TV show about us. A couple people suggested it would actually make a good show and I should try to write it. So here's my first crack!
It's adapted a fair bit from the original jokey premise. Like, I made the cast more ethnically diverse. And I decided that it needed a central unifying figure, so I added in a bride character, as very, very loosely based on Jenn as the others are on the rest of us. (I emphasize the looseness as in comedy you can't always do the most flattering portrayals of the people the characters are inspired by.) This scene is probably only half of what it should be, but I found a reasonable cutoff and I will continue it later. Perhaps in an entry for another day of 31P31D2016. For now, I hope this makes you laugh.
“Nothing in Common”
From Bridesmaids
By Phoebe Roberts
INT. DR. BELL’S OFFICE - DAY
JESS DIAZ- Latina, 30, cute, and nerdy -lies on the couch at her therapist's, DR. MAUREEN BELL, a 50ish black lady in cat-eye glasses.
JESS
So things are pretty good with me right now! Not just, not, like, actively bad, or oh, yeah, they’ve totally been way worse. They’re good! I don’t have to psych myself up anymore to go to my new job, that weird thing on my elbow finally peeled off. I would even say I’m doing well! Which, given my cripplingly low self-esteem, is no mean feat.
Beat.
JESS
That’s a joke.
DR. BELL
Jess, we’ve talked about this. I can’t laugh at things to make them okay.
JESS
Yeah. Sorry. But this past week, my boyfriend proposed to me. And I said yes!
DR. BELL
Congratulations! That’s a big step for you.
JESS
Tell me about it! But James is really great.
INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT
Jess shakes awake JAMES, the man in bed next to her.
JAMES
Wha?
JESS
I’m sorry, but I can't take the uncertainty anymore. I need to know how you really feel about me.
JAMES
I’m marrying you!
JESS
I know, but like as a friend, or something more?
INT. DR. BELL’S OFFICE - DAY
JESS
I really love him, and he doesn't even mind me!
DR. BELL
Wedding planning is a lot of stress, though. Are you prepared for that?
JESS
It’s not the planning I’m worried about, per se…
DR. BELL
Do you think you’re going to have enough help?
JESS
It’s the help I wanted to talk to you about. See, I’ve already chosen my bridesmaids. I have these four really great friends…
INT. DORM PARTY - TEN YEARS AGO - NIGHT
JESS (V.O.)
There’s Paulina, whom I’ve known since college…
Jess is at a college St. Patrick's Day party, drunk and laughing. She stumbles into PAULINA RAO- Asian, hot, forbidding-looking -spilling a drink all over her dress.
PAULINA
Hey!
Jess looks up at her and bursts into tears.
JESS
Oh, my God, you're so beautiful!
Beat. Paulina takes hold of her and drags her away.
PAULINA
Alright, keeping this one.
EXT. ROCK SHOW - FIVE YEARS AGO - NIGHT
JESS (V.O.)
Nancy, who’s like my big sister…
Jess, dressed in punk attire with a blue streak in her hair, jumps up at and down with the music. Throwing up the horns, she accidentally whacks the tough-looking girl standing next to her. Toughie turns on her, ready to kick her ass, but NANCY BREYER- black, statuesque, dressed to the nines -appears in front of the girl to slug her. Enraged, the tough girl comes back swinging, but Nancy expertly ducks out of the way, leaving the punch to land on another girl. As the fight spreads out across the crowd, Nancy throws an arm around Jess to shepherd her out of the area.
EXT. CAMPGROUNDS - TWO YEARS AGO - DAY
JESS (V.O.)
Hannah, who shares my hobbies.
Jess, dressed in a fantasy medieval costume with elf ears, clasps hands with HANNAH BRODSKY- white, petite, energetic -as boffer Larpers battle with foam weapons around them.
JESS
The wizards of Koth prophesied that I would be able to open the Moon Gates only when I reunited with my long-lost twin sister.
HANNAH
Truly? Because the sages of Oretna foretold that I too would be able to open the Moon Gates when I reunited with my long-lost twin sister!
Simultaneously they each bring out half of an amulet on necklace and bring the halves together. They gape at each other and fall into each other’s arms sobbing.
BOTH
Sister!
Beat.
JESS
Wait, what was your real name?
INT. UNIVERSITY LECTURE HALL - ONE YEAR AGO - DAY
JESS (V.O.)
And Tanya, who I met through my new job at the university.
Jess works like she’s disarming a bomb to fix a projector system, while TANYA STERN- white, curly-haired, intense -fends off a lecture hall of rioting freshman with her mobility aid.
TANYA
Hurry up, I can’t hold them much longer! Their attention spans are minuscule!
Jess throws up her hands as the projector lights back up. The students groan and settle back into their chairs. Tanya turns to Jess and inspects the screen.
TANYA
You’re a genius! Ooh, you ever got the cursor do disappear! Show me how you did that.
A kid tries to pick the screwdriver from Jess’s pocket, but Tanya pounces on him like a tiger.
TANYA
No! No! Back to the mass with you!
INT. DR. BELL’S OFFICE - PRESENT - DAY
DR. BELL
I’m glad to hear you have such a support system.
JESS
Well… that’s kind of the problem.
DR. BELL
Yes?
JESS
To be a system, you have to be, you know, together in some way. And they don’t really have anything in common besides me.