Comments | bohemian_storm: its been a long time

canttakeflight in bohemian_storm

its been a long time

Feb 09, 2006 20:37

Ok well I should probably introduce myself..I'm Ginette, I'm writer and a wannabe musician...mostly just a writer. Anyways I'm 17..almost 18. I go to highschool, its my last year thank god. I live in Maryland but its not my home. And I hope that in this community I'll somehow find my inspiration and begin writing the way i sued to ( Read more... )

Comments 5

kieraslyre February 10 2006, 02:11:28 UTC

hello Ginette,
since you are using a very formal alternating style, I'd suggest that you watch the switches from the narrative to questions.
"Why don't I scream? Why don't I say no? Why don't I fight? Why don't I let go?" and
"Why did it hurt? Why did I lie? With all of this happening,Why don't I cry?" for example are not parallel in structure.
In terms of rhetoric, the repetition of "Why don't" is effective but I'd prefer to see it carried over into the related stanzas.
peace
~Kristen

countess_rezia February 10 2006, 11:34:37 UTC

I like the repetition, and the antithesis is effective - particularly reality/surreal and move on/ never let go.

I would suggest you work on the metre a bit though, especially in your 3rd, 5th, 8th and 9th stanzas.

thank canttakeflight February 12 2006, 00:26:24 UTC

thanks for the advice i will be sure to take it

leithelas March 19 2006, 01:13:21 UTC

Opinions, done stanza by stanza. Alot of this is just personal views and the like, as well as some general editing. Take it or leave it, however you want. ^_^

Stanza 1:
Well, for one, I personally feel those first two lines don't flow together quite right. I'd probably suggest either 'Woke up this morning' or 'With bad thoughts in my head'. 5-5-6-6.

Stanza 2:
This strikes me sort of as a chorus to a song; an almost staccato deviatian from the prior metre and rhythm that was established in the first stanza. This is all well and good if it's entirely intentional, but it does create a definite break from the narrative flow, which might be something you want to be careful about -- jumping back and forth between different kinds of rhythm can be jarring, especially in a poem that is so dependant on the rhyme scheme. Also, simply from an aesthetic point of view, you might want to make the questions more of a direct correlary between the questions and the narrative. 4-5-4-5.

Stanza 3:In my opinion, this is the stanza most in need or ( ... )

ernestine_blues July 19 2006, 19:27:15 UTC

Personally, I think it needs more concrete imagery, something real and personal and unique to bring the poem into focus. Right now it sounds kind of generic.

And maybe it would help if, instead of creating new questions, you singled out three our four that you think have the most impact and repeat the set of them throughout the poem where the other sets of questions were.

Good luck!