I honestly don't believe my mother realized what she was giving me.
Like, I genuinely think she was oblivious. None of her words, none of her actions since I came out in '06 and began transition suggest that she loves me the way someone who does this intentionally does.
She loves this other person with my name and my pre-transition face, who was supposed to be a blonde and blue-eyed girl.
She doesn't love the boy who'd have been so good at cars now, who's smart and strong and a survivor.
Should you and I ever meet in physical space, I am going to hug the fuck out of you. Just saying.
Which makes some weird sense. It would be a stretch for her to realize the depth of this sort of revelation or even how it might backfire on her if she expected it to make you put on a skirt or something. The name thing too - I dread how that's going to go down with my mother if I ever have to engage in that conversation. It's a powerful, fucked up thing to hold over your head.
I am going to make sure I've washed all the cat out of my clothes, cause it would be awful to finally meet you and then cause you to keel over. ;)
You, me and my friend Sarah all need tshirts. Club Awkwardly Dead Dad & Completely Delusional Mom.
Also, that whole hippie thing about how you're supposed to forgive and stuff - nope. It's not giving the other person power. You don't have to just forgive them, now or ever or whenever. Not in a situation where the other person will never acknowledge how they've hurt you.
(That bit about the blonde/blue eyed girl just makes me think you were Sailor Moon or something.)
I can usually hug people who live with cats, though I should abstain from rubbing you on my face with much vigor, or keeping my face buried in your clothing. Which, you know, if things go that far it's a very different sort of meeting. ;)
And damn, yes, I would wear that shirt.
It's taking me time to learn that just going straight to forgiveness is stupid because it takes out the space for restorative justice, processing, grieving, etc. Like, yes, forgiveness is ultimately positive if one can do it, but closure is possibly more important, even if forgiveness doesn't happen.
AND YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO KNOW THAT I'M SAILOR MOON.
(Okay, okay, fine. Mom once told me that she'd hoped I'd be a blonde, blue-eyed girl. I have yet to get over that particular bit of "fuck you.")
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Like, I genuinely think she was oblivious. None of her words, none of her actions since I came out in '06 and began transition suggest that she loves me the way someone who does this intentionally does.
She loves this other person with my name and my pre-transition face, who was supposed to be a blonde and blue-eyed girl.
She doesn't love the boy who'd have been so good at cars now, who's smart and strong and a survivor.
Should you and I ever meet in physical space, I am going to hug the fuck out of you. Just saying.
Reply
I am going to make sure I've washed all the cat out of my clothes, cause it would be awful to finally meet you and then cause you to keel over. ;)
You, me and my friend Sarah all need tshirts. Club Awkwardly Dead Dad & Completely Delusional Mom.
Also, that whole hippie thing about how you're supposed to forgive and stuff - nope. It's not giving the other person power. You don't have to just forgive them, now or ever or whenever. Not in a situation where the other person will never acknowledge how they've hurt you.
(That bit about the blonde/blue eyed girl just makes me think you were Sailor Moon or something.)
Reply
And damn, yes, I would wear that shirt.
It's taking me time to learn that just going straight to forgiveness is stupid because it takes out the space for restorative justice, processing, grieving, etc. Like, yes, forgiveness is ultimately positive if one can do it, but closure is possibly more important, even if forgiveness doesn't happen.
AND YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO KNOW THAT I'M SAILOR MOON.
(Okay, okay, fine. Mom once told me that she'd hoped I'd be a blonde, blue-eyed girl. I have yet to get over that particular bit of "fuck you.")
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