alone looks pretty good compared to this
New Year's eve at the Bell House with S almost didn't happen because the Christmas gift was STILL not coming. Upset, I was. I got over it by acknowledging that I can't always get what I want (thank you, Mic), and we proceeded to have a decent night out. The next morning, we made pancakes, drank coffee, and mulled over our hangovers. Somehow I knew that would be the last time I saw him. Not hearing from him for the rest of the weekend somewhat clinched that premonition.
Today he broke up with me, citing depression/anxiety, disclosing he had gone off his meds and quit going to therapy over the summer (shortly before meeting me, it seems), and claiming he needs to get it together and can't do that in a relationship. I agree, and I believe him. I went through several emotions, so let me just jot down the highlights of the conversation...
S: I don't think we should date anymore.
K: Shocking.
K: I'm glad you had the guts to call this off, rather than passive aggressively force me to do it.
S: I respect you too much to do something like that.
(Note: there was also some maniacal laughter when I realized he beefed the present AND was breaking up with me. Oh cruel world!)
S: This sucks because I really like you and really care about you.
K: If you really like me and really care about me, why are you letting me go?
S: Because I'm in a place where I really am not dealing with anything in a good way. I'm inadequate, and not just at a relationship.
K: So wait, do you never want to see me again, or do you just not need to see me right now? I kind of need to know that for myself.
S: I don't "never want to see" you again. That would be insane.
K: Then why don't you do what you have to do? I won't wait forever, but... well, I'm not a betting woman, but I know odds. And the odds of me finding someone as good as or better than you are slim. You're still a catch--you just got knocked off balance.
S: I feel like I'm miles away from that person I was.
K: God, if you could just see what I see in you.
S: I wish I could... *chokes up*
K: This really does suck. It's not like we're incompatible or either one of us has done something wrong.
S: It's not like I took up heroine or you cheated on me...
K: Heroine would definitely be a deal breaker!
In the end, we broke out our new 2010 calendars and decided to meet on Feb. 6. A month. It's just a month. Like a check-up... I told him that if I don't hear from him before then, I won't hold that against him. I also said that if he needs to call off the meeting, I'll live with that too. He's got to get better. Above all, there's that. And if there's ever going to be a relationship between us, he's got to have a little faith and confidence that it'll work. There's that too. And finally: neither of those things have anything to do with me. I can't drag him to the half-way point and I sure as shit can't make him mentally healthy.
Oh, and one last matter concerning full disclosure: when exactly IS a good time to tell someone you're off your meds? I'm thinking when you're breaking up with them is a bit late. Perhaps between the omission and the pharmaceuticals, he had no business dating in the first place. This is not to say that folks with mental health issues (hi! I'm a member!) should never date, mind. They should do it carefully, responsibly, and with lots of communication--other people are involved, after all. I'm sure he didn't see this coming, but somewhere he had to know he was walking a tightrope without a net. I was the collateral damage.
Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to spend the rest of my life vacillating between getting close/finding out/getting hurt and staying away/never knowing/getting hurt. Fuckitall.
Today he broke up with me, citing depression/anxiety, disclosing he had gone off his meds and quit going to therapy over the summer (shortly before meeting me, it seems), and claiming he needs to get it together and can't do that in a relationship. I agree, and I believe him. I went through several emotions, so let me just jot down the highlights of the conversation...
S: I don't think we should date anymore.
K: Shocking.
K: I'm glad you had the guts to call this off, rather than passive aggressively force me to do it.
S: I respect you too much to do something like that.
(Note: there was also some maniacal laughter when I realized he beefed the present AND was breaking up with me. Oh cruel world!)
S: This sucks because I really like you and really care about you.
K: If you really like me and really care about me, why are you letting me go?
S: Because I'm in a place where I really am not dealing with anything in a good way. I'm inadequate, and not just at a relationship.
K: So wait, do you never want to see me again, or do you just not need to see me right now? I kind of need to know that for myself.
S: I don't "never want to see" you again. That would be insane.
K: Then why don't you do what you have to do? I won't wait forever, but... well, I'm not a betting woman, but I know odds. And the odds of me finding someone as good as or better than you are slim. You're still a catch--you just got knocked off balance.
S: I feel like I'm miles away from that person I was.
K: God, if you could just see what I see in you.
S: I wish I could... *chokes up*
K: This really does suck. It's not like we're incompatible or either one of us has done something wrong.
S: It's not like I took up heroine or you cheated on me...
K: Heroine would definitely be a deal breaker!
In the end, we broke out our new 2010 calendars and decided to meet on Feb. 6. A month. It's just a month. Like a check-up... I told him that if I don't hear from him before then, I won't hold that against him. I also said that if he needs to call off the meeting, I'll live with that too. He's got to get better. Above all, there's that. And if there's ever going to be a relationship between us, he's got to have a little faith and confidence that it'll work. There's that too. And finally: neither of those things have anything to do with me. I can't drag him to the half-way point and I sure as shit can't make him mentally healthy.
Oh, and one last matter concerning full disclosure: when exactly IS a good time to tell someone you're off your meds? I'm thinking when you're breaking up with them is a bit late. Perhaps between the omission and the pharmaceuticals, he had no business dating in the first place. This is not to say that folks with mental health issues (hi! I'm a member!) should never date, mind. They should do it carefully, responsibly, and with lots of communication--other people are involved, after all. I'm sure he didn't see this coming, but somewhere he had to know he was walking a tightrope without a net. I was the collateral damage.
Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to spend the rest of my life vacillating between getting close/finding out/getting hurt and staying away/never knowing/getting hurt. Fuckitall.