Fanfic- Hiccups
Title- Hiccups
Fandom- Star Trek XI
Ship- Kirk/Spock
Rating- PG
Genre- slash, comedy
Warnings- UNBETAED CONTENT
Wordcount- 745
Disclaimer- not mine!
Summary- Spock has the hiccups.
A/N- my first ever fanfic! Probably sucks, but oh well! Written today because I've been getting the hiccups every hour or so for the past two days and can't make them stay gone.
“Are you 100% certain that there is no *hic* cure, Doctor?” Spock asked, trying to keep his remaining dignity intact.
“100%, Commander,” McCoy assured him, keeping his face completely blank as the Vulcan bounced and squeaked with another hiccup. “Humans have been trying for centuries, but we’ve never come up with anything. You’ve never had them before?”
“No,” Spock said emphatically, before hiccupping again. “Have they at least discovered what causes this *hic* condition?”
“It’s an involuntary contraction of the diaphragm muscle, which controls the lungs” the CMO explained.
“Say, I thought Vulcans had complete control over all of their muscles,” McCoy went on, ignoring the half-Vulcan’s sharp look.
“Still,” he added, taking pity when the Science Officer hiccupped three times in fast succession. “There are some things that may work. Have you tried drinking water since it started?”
“Negative,” Spock gasped, breathless from the last attempt to stop the hiccups. He accepted a cup from McCoy and drank greedily from it, before another hiccup caused his hand to jerk, splashing water over his face. Spock stared at the cup with an expression fierce enough to boil the water within it.
“Not like that!” Nurse Chapel commented from the other end of the medbay. “You need to drink it upside-down!”
When Spock merely looked at her in askance, the nurse came over and directed him to stand up, bend over, and drink from the cup in this position. Ten seconds later the Science Officer was holding his nose in pain, his face wet and his hiccups still uncured. The nurse quickly retreated, a hand over her mouth hiding her grin.
“I’ve got a couple cures,” Uhura told Spock when he approached her in the mess hall for advice. “One is, breath in as deeply as you can, then swallow.”
Spock did.
“Now breath in a little bit more if you can, and swallow again.”
Spock did, though his puffed-out chest jerked with another hiccup.
“Try again,” Uhura advised, but it simply wouldn’t work. “Alright, then do the opposite: exhale all the air out of your lungs, then stop, then breath out a little more, until there’s no air at all left.”
Spock tried this as well, but as his lungs deflated, the spasms of his body did not cease.
“Try breathing in counting one, two, three, four, then hold four, then out four, hold four, in four, like that.”
This method also failed.
By now the spectacle had gotten the attention of other members of the crew who were eating, and a crowd had formed.
Chekov requisitioned a PADD stylus and, telling Spock to focus his eyes on the point of the stylus and follow it, moved it left and right, up and down. The entire crowd followed the stylus and held their breath waiting to see if the cure had worked.
*HIC!*
Everyone groaned, and Chekov retreated from the center of the crowd.
“Have ye tried the ol’ spoonful of sugar?” Scotty asked, and despite Spock’s protests that Vulcans could not taste sweet things, a tablespoon of sucrose was obtained from the replicators and forced down the XO’s throat.
“How about a lemon?” Sulu suggested, and the yellow citrus was also replicated.
“Drink pickle juice!” someone suggested.
“Drink water while someone holds your ears closed!”
“Swallow peanut butter without chewing!”
“Gulp air until you burp!”
When Captain Kirk entered the mess, everyone was seated in one corner, looking exhausted, and several empty cups and spoons as well as a lemon rind were lying on the table next to his First Officer.
Who then hiccupped.
“Hiccups, Spock?” Kirk asked, grinning as he stepped over a yeoman who was lying on the ground.
“Yes, Captain. *hic* I suppose you, also, have an ineffective cure to suggest?”
“I don’t know about ineffective. It’s always worked for me!” Kirk declared cheerfully. And with that, before his entire crew, Captain James T. Kirk leaned down and kissed his Science Officer full on the mouth.
For an entire minute the mess hall was frozen, until with a popping sound Kirk separated himself from Spock and straightened up, grinning. Then all was still again.
After a moment Kirk broke the silence. “Hiccups gone, Commander?”
Spock put a hand to his mouth. “Yes, Captain,” he said in something that strongly resembled amazement.
“Good!” Kirk nodded. “And if this ever happens again, you know where to find me!” With that the Captain turned and sauntered over to the replicators to get his lunch.