[Series]Reaching For Happiness, JaredxJensen (17/?)
Author:freedomthisway
Character: Jared, Jensen, JDM, Mike Rosenbaum, Tom Welling.
Category: Angst, Romance, Drama, H/C
Warning: Rape/Non-con, underage, Jensen/OMC
Rating: PG-13 again for this chapter
Summary:
Jensen is Jared's younger stepbrother. When Jensen was 7, his mother was remarried to Thomas Padalecki, the head of the rich and famous Padalecki family.
Their closeness as child changed after they grew older and Jared found out his feelings toward Jensen. Not wanting to ruin the family, Jared chose to keep his love for Jensen inside and avoid him like crazy instead.
While Jensen was struggling to bear his own misery, he too realized his feelings for Jared, but didn't act on it because he assumed Jared hated him.
After 3 years of escaping from the family, hearing Thomas' death, Jensen decided to come back. Only to face Jared's hatred towards him.
All Jensen wants is a happiness and love with Jared by his side. Can he reach it eventually?
Author notes:
A long awaited update with almost 14500words on it.
And now I have to grovel for your apology. T_____________T
Really, seriously, sorry for being SO LAME in updating. My muse had been going MIA again for almost a month, and I scraped this chapter from what was left off my brain. RL was being suck again too. Threw me over here and there with no chance to sit quietly in front of my computer for even two hours and write.
I'll take all of it: your dissapointed sighs, your death glares, or even your angry rants. Since I deserve it.
For all of you people who had been so kind and leave me comments and PMing me about this story, I'm deeply thankful. Especially to those who haven't given up on this story. *gives you smooches*
I hope the ridiculuous length of this cha[ter can at least make up for my lameness. And I wish you'll enjoy this one too~! Comments and/or complaints are totally welcomed and surely loved to death. XD
Anyway, LJ won't allow me to post this in one since it's too large, so I split it into two parts. Sorry for the inconvenience. ^^;
Chapter 17 - Part 2
A voice brings Jensen into consciousness. He opens his eyes carefully, wincing at the sudden bright light that makes his eyes hurt. A tall shadow at the side of the bed comes into his blurry view and he blinks his eyes rapidly, trying to focus his eyesight.
“You’re awake?” That careful question sounds hoarse, and Jensen instantly recognizes Jared’s voice. His entire body reflexively filled with happiness until his memories turn that feeling off in an instant, makes his body tense.
Being able to see much more clearly now, Jensen notices Jared sitting beside his bed with a worried expression on his face. There is also a young man in a white coat at the other side of his bed --supposedly a doctor-- who is watching his reactions carefully.
“Where am I…?” Jensen’s question comes out in a whisper.
“You’re in East General Hospital, Mr. Ackles. You fainted and your stepbrother brought you here. I’m your doctor in charge, Dr. Jennings.” The young doctor answers him with a warm smile. “Can you describe how you’re feeling right now?”
Jensen licks his dry lips. “… I think I have a slight headache. And it’s a bit painful to move. But it’s my… behind that hurts a lot.” Jensen says, blushing a bit.
Dr. Jennings nods grimly. Jensen is too flustered to look at Jared.
“It’s a normal reaction, Mr. Ackles. Perhaps you’ve already realized about this condition you are in but you have some bruises on your body. And you also have tears on the inner wall of your anus, which I’m treating intensively right now.” The doctor stares at Jensen seriously. “That being said, all of your wounds show indications of sexual violence. I also found traces of sperm mixed in with your blood on your pants. So I’m really sorry, but I really have to ask you this: is there any chance that you were raped by someone?”
Jensen’s heart skips a beat. “What? No.” Jensen responds, far too quickly, and he almost bites his tongue.
“What about your current partner or lover? Does he have some sexual sadistic tendencies? I mean, did you engaged in a sexual intercourse with your partner that used unusual and rough methods?”
Under the doctor’s sharp gaze, Jensen shakes his head. “I don’t have a lover.” Jensen answers weakly. He tries to sound casual as his mind’s reeling, trying to come up with a lie to avoid more suspicions from the doctor. Working in this profession for almost two months, he has never been put in this kind of situation before. Usually he wasn’t injured this badly and he was used to treat his wounds by himself.
Jensen silently curses Jared’s decision to bring him here in the first place.
“I see.” Dr. Jennings nods, and then gives Jared a sharp glare. “Mr. Ackles, your stepbrother told me that you fainted just like that with blood all over the backside of your pants while you both were having a conversation. Is that what really happened?”
Jensen glances at the now frowning Jared, and then back to the doctor, nodding. “Yes. I think that was what happened.”
Dr. Jennings nods before turning his gaze to Jared. “Mr. Padalecki, can you tell me what kind of conversation did you have with your stepbrother?”
Jared raises his eyebrows, annoyed because he knows what the doctor is up to with these questions. He is confirming his earlier suspicion on Jared.
“… It’s actually a personal matter, doctor, but if you really have to know, in general it’s just a typical conversation.” Jared says with teeth clinched tightly.
Dr. Jennings still hasn’t stopped staring sharply at Jared. “Are you sure it wasn’t some kind of a fight? An argument between the two of you about something, perhaps?”
Jensen’s eyes widened at that. “Whoa, whoa. Doctor, I think you’re trying to accuse my step brother here as the one who caused my injuries. Are you serious?”
Dr. Jennings calmly turned his gaze back at Jensen. “Look, Mr. Ackles. Law clearly states that whenever I treat a patient with a condition like yours, I am supposed to call the police for further investigation. But before I do that, I need to get a statement from you as the victim. I know it might sound crazy to you, but right now I have no choice but suspecting Mr. Padalecki here as the perpetrator because he was the only one around when you passed out.”
Jensen gulps down; not being able to deny the logics the doctor is giving him.
“I can assure you that police will surely have the same opinion as mine. So if you don’t want to involve your step brother in a more serious problem, I suggest you to tell me the truth, Mr. Ackles.” The doctor then folds his hands over his chest, waiting.
“Hold on, doctor.” Jared says, looking a bit angry. “You can’t force him to do this. I’m no lawyer but if this is going to be a case, I know my step brother has no obligation to say anything to you until his lawyer is here.”
Dr. Jennings glares, seeming to be annoyed at Jared’s intrusion. “Yes, I’m aware of that. But you can’t stop me from persuading my own patient to reveal the identity of the person who has done such horrible things to him. In case you haven’t noticed, I’m just being concerned and trying to help Mr. Ackles here.”
Jared is about to argue with that when suddenly Jensen cuts in.
“It was my client who did this.” Jensen says calmly but his voice is loud enough to catch the other two guys’ attention.
Both Jared and Dr. Jennings turn their heads towards Jensen, staring at him with widened eyes. Jensen sighs at their reaction.
“I’m a hustler.” Jensen speaks again; his gaze fixed on Dr. Jennings this time. “Last night one of my regular clients was being too rough on me and that’s the reason why I’m having these kinds of injuries now.”
Jensen is hoping that this information he’s breaking to the doctor can make the doctor feel shocked enough and leave him alone even for just a while. Being a doctor in this young age, Dr. Jennings looks like one of those people who grew up in respectable family, spent his youth by studying diligently, and hangs out only with elite society. He might never have even cursed for once in his lifetime. For Jensen to casually tell him that he’s a whore who’s willing to fuck anyone as long as the price is right, must be something terrifying to hear for the young doctor. It’s playing dirty, yet Jensen can’t see any other way to stop this from turning into bigger problem.
But unexpectedly, Dr. Jennings is just staring at him with expression as if he finally understands the real situation he has on his hand. “A client, is it?” Dr. Jennings asks Jensen. “So you’re a hustler?”
Jared, with eyes fixed on Jensen, and just says nothing on the other side.
“Yeah,” Jensen shrugs. “You can say I had bad luck last night. But he paid me so well. That’s why I can’t see why this should be a problem, doctor.”
“I see.” Dr. Jennings nods, his forehead is frowning. He seems to be concerned about something. Then the doctor clears his throat. “Alright then, I guess that explains a lot about your wounds. However, this new information makes me have to rethink the whole situation and considering what I’ll do about you, Mr. Ackles.” He smiles politely.
Jared suddenly realizes that this is a perfect situation to start to work on his plan, so quickly he says, “Dr. Jennings, can I have a word with you outside?”
Both Dr. Jennings and Jensen look surprised at that. But the young doctor finally nods and starts to walk towards the door with Jared on his tail, leaving Jensen alone to stare on their back with a suspicious gaze.
---00o00---
Jared enters the room again after half an hour, finding Jensen lying there on his bed with his eyes closed. Jensen opens them at the sound of the door clicking closed and his green eyes instantly find Jared. For a second, he considers to ask Jared about what he was talking about with that doctor out there, but he refrains himself from doing it. He doesn’t want to make Jared have the wrong impression that he cares.
For a moment, none of them speak. The silence is broken by Jared telling Jensen that Dr. Jennings had decided to postpone his intention to bring this matter to the police. Jared had convinced him that doing it would only cause trouble for Jensen so the doctor said he understood and promised to take this matter into further consideration.
Hearing that, Jensen can’t help but bursting into laughter. He laughs so hard that even Jared’s questioning stare on him can’t make him stop.
“Sorry, I can’t help it.” Jensen says after a while between his chuckles. “It’s just so funny to see him get all worked up to defend me and then just walked away and do nothing after knowing that I’m just a whore.” His hands are lifted to wipe those teary eyes caused by the laughter. “Feeling concern about me, he said?”
Jared turns his gaze away; unable to bear witness to Jensen’s forced smile after he says that. “I think he really is concerned about you.” Jared mutters under his breath, trying to offer some consolation.
Jensen chooses to say nothing to that. “You’re still here.” He says with a flat tone.
Jared’s eyes are back on Jensen, looking determined. “We still need to talk.”
“I don’t think so. I’ve said all I’ve got to say, Jared. We’re done.” Jensen replies calmly. He reaches to the bed side, looking for the button to leverage the head of the bed.
Jared waits until Jensen finishes raising the head of the bed and moving his body into a sitting position.
“I’ve known for a while about this… job you’re doing now, Jensen.” Jared starts to speak again.
Jensen looks indifferent at hearing it. “Yeah, I figured you have.”
“And I also know why you decided to do it. Mike told me about Tom.” Jared watches Jensen carefully, wanting to know Jensen’s reaction at the mention of his best friends’ name.
But Jensen just lifts his chin up, looking defiant as he says, “Okay. So?”
Jared starts to feel frustrated. To tell the truth, he doesn’t know what kind of reaction he’s trying to pull out of the younger man, but it’s definitely not this cold and ignorant face Jensen’s putting on. Hell, he’d even be glad to put up with Jensen’s rage once again. At least letting Jensen lash his anger on him won’t make him feel so much at a loss like this.
“Look, Jensen. I can’t say I understand fully on why you’re doing it, but I know that I am also part of the reason. I lost my mind back then and I did things to you that must have left such a horrible impact…. For that I’m really sorry.”
Jensen glares at Jared’s hunched form, suddenly feeling so angry all over again. “Don’t put too much credit on yourself, Jared.” He hisses. “You absolutely have nothing to do with what I’ve done in my life.”
Jensen’s gaze on Jared is burning, but Jared doesn’t budge. “I still remembered Jensen. The last time we met, didn’t you say that you love me?”
His words cause Jensen to gape. “… What?”
“You said you love me...” Jared repeats in a softer tone, almost nostalgic. “You told me you had been feeling that way for a long time.”
Jensen thinks that Jared should really be thankful that he can’t exactly move freely with these injuries because if he can, then he’d be off the bed in an instant and choking Jared’s throat.
How dare he?! How dare him to bring back those painful memories in front of me! He was the one who treated me like shit, even after I said that I love him. And now he’s slapping those words back on my face and expecting me to forget about everything?
Jensen grits his teeth hard, trying to control the flow of anger that’s heating his blood. He clutches the side of the bed tightly. “Yes, I did.” Jensen replies with tone cold as ice. “But if you think I still do, even after all this time, then you must be crazy.”
It’s a pathetic lie. But to have that lie just rolled out so swiftly off his tongue; Jensen assumes there’s only his fury to be blamed.
Jared stares at him. “You’re lying.”
He looks so damn sure that it makes Jensen really want to throw something at him. His confidence really gets on Jensen’s nerves. But instead he rolls his eyes, trying to act bored. “Do I really have to respond to that?”
And the silence is back inside the room. Jensen busies himself by fiddling over his blanket, feeling nervous because Jared is still looking at him like that.
“Fine.” Jared speaks after a while. He moves to the end of the bed, bending his body forward and dips both his palms onto the soft mattress, facing the sitting Jensen. “Then you’ll just have to be prepared because from this moment on, I’m fully intending to make you fall in love with me all over again, one way or another.”
“What do you mean?” Jensen’s eyes are narrowed and he ignores the fact that his heart skips a beat at Jared’s words.
Jared fists his palms, getting them tangled in the sheet. His expression turns into one that Jensen has never seen before. And somehow, Jared looking like that with his eyes fixed on him makes Jensen’s heart beat even faster. Unconsciously, Jensen presses one of his hands over his left chest, hoping to calm it down.
“Listen, Jensen.” Jared says softly, his voice is wavering a little. “You don’t know how many times I’ve dreamt about this moment. So please look at me in the eyes when I’m telling you that I love you.” Jared’s eyes are glistening beneath the light of the lamp. “I love you. I’ve been falling for you for too long that I’ve forgotten how it felt to wake up one morning and not be thinking about you. But what I’m feeling for you has been carved too deeply inside my heart. It’s not only temporary, and is never just a lust. I’ve always loved you, and now I know I can never stop feeling this way. Not even if I was crazy enough for wanting to do so.”
Jared can see how Jensen freezes at his words, looking too shocked to even show a single reaction. But Jared doesn’t turn his gaze away though his whole body has become so stiff.
Waiting. Expecting. Fearing.
Jared isn’t even sure what exactly he’s feeling right now. Every emotion is getting mixed up, and he’s just so nervous that he can feel his stomach coiling.
The silence lasts much longer this time, leaving both men with nothing else to do but dealing with their own emotions. It’s suffocating.
And Jensen decides he has had enough of this.
“I don’t know what the hell it is you’re up to right now, Jared. But making jokes like this is just too cruel.” Jensen says, voice shaking with mixed anger and sadness. His head is hung low, eyes staring down at the sheet and the tears are back, blurring his view. He shuts his eyes tightly for a few seconds to stop them from falling.
What Jared has just said is the one thing Jensen has always been dying to hear from the older man. The words make him fine it difficult to suppress the desire to hear it more and more. And without mercy, it fills his heart with hopes.
But Jensen knows better than to let himself crave for love all over again. He will never expect anymore happiness even for once. For almost 22 years he has been living with these feelings of longing and hoping for love, but he has become too tired in experiencing failure after failure in his life. He has sworn to himself to never waste his time again for those kinds of things, ever.
Jensen grits his teeth, trying to bear all these pain in his heart. As he looks up, he knows fully how fragile he must have been looked in Jared’s point of view. But Jensen doesn’t care.
Right now, Jared is playing a sick game for some fucked up reasons that he doesn’t even want to know. And he has no other choice than to play along.
“Let’s just pretend that I believe what you’ve just said,” Jensen’s smile is stretched and bitter and his voice is quivering. “Then why did you treat me like you did back then?”
Jared looks troubled with the question. He looks away from Jensen and is staring aside instead, watching glimpse of people passing by through small glasses on the room’s door.
Jensen is waiting not so patiently. As much as he thinks it’s just a mind game, he can’t help but feeling curious. What he has just asked is the biggest question that keeps lingering inside his mind for years, and today, he finally might get an answer.
“… I thought it was for the best.” Jared’s honest answer comes out softly, almost sounding like a whisper.
But the reason Jensen asks Jared to repeat it a few seconds later is not because he didn’t hear it in the first place.
Jensen just thinks that his sense of hearing must have played a trick on him because the answer is far too ridiculous for him to accept it just as it is.
“I thought it was the best for all of us, especially for you.” Jared does what Jensen asked and this time he’s looking straight into Jensen’s eyes as he says it.
Jensen blinks, and once again, the room is suddenly filled with his laughter. Drops of tears he has been holding back for so long are finally running down over his cheeks due to the way his body is shaking as he laughs and laughs, but Jensen just couldn’t tell anymore what it is really that makes him cry and laugh at the same time.
Is it the irony? Is it the fact that what he just heard doesn’t make even a lick of sense in his mind? Is it the way his heart feels like it’s crunched painfully at hearing it? Or is it the anger that suddenly seems to double and burns along his veins?
Jared frowns, obviously confused but says nothing, just waits for Jensen’s laughter to cease.
When it finally does, Jared watches Jensen as he wipes his wet eyes with the end of the hospital blanket, still bursting into chuckles every now and then but says nothing.
Jared tightens his jaw. “Look, I know it’s hard for you to take all of this at once but you have to know that as I was becoming a teenager, I realized what I felt for you had turned to love. Hell, I might have loved you since the first time we met but only then I understood that I want us to become more than just brothers.” Jared grips the sheet harder. “But you seemed so happy with the fact that we were a family…. Remember what you used to tell me? You said that for so long you’d always dreamed to have a brother and a father? And in those first years, each time the four of us sat together around the dining table --laughing and chatting like a real happy family-- you always had this bright expression on your face as if you knew that your dream had finally come true.”
Jensen says nothing, just staring blankly at Jared. The older man sighs in frustration, running his fingers roughly over his hair.
“It was never hate that made me decide to keep a distance from you, Jensen. It was just… I had no other choice. If I kept things the way they were, then sooner or later I was sure that I’d lose my self control and ended up doing something I’d regret to you….” Jared is trying his best to make Jensen understand. “I didn’t want to cause a ruckus in our family. I didn’t want to be the person who made you lose your happiness. And I also didn’t want to disappoint our parents. I kept thinking that even if in the end I’d embraced the fact that I’m gay, at least I wouldn’t have any chance to drag you down with me.”
It’s a sad truth, Jared is more than aware. But Jensen deserves to know. Taking a deep breath, Jared waits silently for Jensen’s reaction.
“… For my sake, was it?” Jensen mutters darkly, and somehow the question shakes up Jared so much because now he can understand, even if it’s just a little, on why Jensen seems to think that his reason is awfully hilarious.
“So what you’re trying to say is that I was the one who should be blamed for my own fucked up life? Is that it?” Jensen lifts his chin up, taunting, ignoring Jared’s concerned frowning.
“You know, it has never crossed my mind before. But now I realize I was thinking too highly of you.” Jensen’s voice is barely a whisper, leaning his head back on the white pillow, eyes staring at the ceiling. “It turns out that you and your father are just the same selfish bastard.” Jensen hisses, lifts up his head again and when his eyes meet Jared’s, the intensity of rage and hatred inside that beautiful pair of green eyes sends a shiver raking down Jared’s body.
“Your father said he had no power to resist me. He fucking blamed me for making him falling in love with me, for making him do all those horrible things he did. But isn’t it ridiculous because I have never asked to be born this way. I never wished for the looks I have. And now it’s you…” Jensen shakes his head and another single drop of tear is falling down from Jensen’s glistening eyes, rolling down his cheeks. “You’re exactly just like him.”
That accusation leaves Jared speechless.
He has assumed that Jensen will find it hard to accept his love confession. After all this time, after everything that has happened between the two of them, even if Jared is sure that deep down Jensen still loves him, Jared knows that there’s it’ll be hard for Jensen to believe right away in the truth of Jared’s feelings. But watching the way Jensen’s face scrunches with emotions as he’s sitting there, his body’s trembling visibly, Jared never thought that his honesty would hurt Jensen this much. He looks so angry yet so miserable that it pains Jared just by seeing him.
“You said you avoided me because you didn’t want to take away my happiness, but you never knew how lonely and painful it was for me to realize that all of a sudden all I could see was your back in the distance, out of my reach. You couldn’t even look at me in the eyes, couldn’t bear to stay in the same room with me. Fuck, you didn’t even bother to tell me why or how. In those moments that I needed you most, you were finally gone, just like that…. I was just a boy who felt so excited because after years of my life, I finally got the family I’d always wanted. But why did it turned out to be like this? Your father took away my innocence and all I could do was just lay there, trying hard to bear all of the things he did to me for the sake of my mother. And then you --the man I admired, the man I looked up to so much …the man that I later realized is the guy whom I fell in love with-- you suddenly avoided me like a plague. Leaving me alone with no one else to turn to, wondering for so long just what was it I did wrong that made you hate me so much….” Jensen’s voice is cracking and another tear falls. “…And that was why I came back. That was why I left everything and everyone: friends whom I love and love me back. I mustered up all my courage just to see you once again because I needed you to tell me why. I wanted to fix our relationship so that I can be beside you once again. But all I got in the end was just another broken heart and cruel humiliation. And now you told me that you did it because of me? That it was all because you want me to remain happy?”
“You and your damn father have caused me nothing but suffering. Do you really think that after saying all that bullshit about loving me then I’ll just simply forget everything?” Jensen wipes his tears angrily. “Sorry to disappoint, but I’ve had enough of this, Hyung. Now I’m asking you to walk out of that door and never look for me again. Let’s just pretend that we’ve never known each other. And forget that I’ve ever said I love you, because that feeling has already gone. I simply just don’t. Not anymore. After so long, finally I’m free, and I’m just so glad to have this chance to start a new life. A life that for once won’t have you in it.”
Jensen’s breath is racing as soon as he finished talking. For a long moment, he and Jared are just staring at each other’s eyes.
Jared’s fear has come true. Jensen has clearly stated that he doesn’t want anything to do with him ever again. Despite his tightening grip on the sheet, Jared tries his best to stay calm. Things have already been too hard for Jensen without him adding something worse into the drama.
Jensen’s face is flushing red with all the emotions churning inside him. His whole body looks as if it screams at Jared to stay away, to just leave him alone.
But Jared already knows that he can’t do that. Hearing all those words Jensen said, Jared realizes even more that there’s just no way he can ever let Jensen go now.
“I can’t do that.” Jared says his thought out loud, hoping Jensen won’t be able to hear the panic in his hoarse voice.
Jensen glares. “What is it, huh? Feels like you haven’t finished destroying my life yet?”
“I’ve made mistakes, Jensen. Mistakes I never meant to make. Turns out there are just too many things I’ve done wrong when it comes to you, more than I’ve ever imagined. And I kept losing you because of that. But I swear to God I’ll do anything to make sure that I will never lose you again.” Jared says with gritted teeth. His expression shows great determination.
Jensen slams his head back onto the pillow hard, frustrated. “Oh, shut up. Why won’t you just shut up and go?” He groans.
But Jared is nothing but persistent. “Look, I can’t undo what I did. I don’t even know if I’ll ever be able to erase all your pain or heal those scars in your heart. But I have to try. You’ve got to let me try, Jensen.” Jared moves, approach Jensen with careful steps so now he’s standing right beside Jensen’s bed, very close to him.
Jensen realizes the shortened distance, and quickly lifts his head up again. But he has nowhere to go and all he can do is just sink his body deeper into the mattress, inching to the side, fighting to maintain his threatened personal space. Staring up at Jared’s face above him, Jensen can’t help but feel afraid and the feeling of helplessness he felt just by having Jared this close has somehow pissed him even more.
“You are such a pompous jerk.” Jensen says with angry tone. “Everything has to be exactly like how you want it, doesn’t it?”
Those fiery words coming out of Jensen’s mouth is followed by sudden flow of overwhelming emotions inside him that can’t be stopped even when he tries to. “The Great Jared Padalecki took pity on an orphaned boy. He threw some bread crumbs for the boy to eat. But after a while he got bored of him. So he turned his back away from him and gave the boy no other choice than to accept his avoidance.” Jensen’s gaze is all fury heat towards the sight of Jared who’s still watching him sharply as he continues. “But then his beloved father died, the boy dares to live, and Jared Padalecki decided that the boy must be rid from his sight. But after the boy grew to be a man, he stupidly returned. And when he did, Jared Padalecki refused to hear everything he was trying to say. He even cruelly stripped what little was left of his dignity. And once again, the whole world bowed down before his wish. Then one day, Jared Padalecki suddenly has a change of opinion, so the boy has to accept it too. He instantly tried to force his way into the boy’s life, or else by God he swore he’ll do anything to make sure the boy is willing to let him do so…” An embarrassing stinging in his eyes and the overwhelmed pain caused by his own words make Jensen speechless all of a sudden, his lips trembling and helplessly his eyes are widened, staring at Jared’s figure from beneath layers of tears so thick that Jared’s face looks blurred in his eye view.
“… And then Jared Padalecki decides that he wants to have the boy for his own.” Jared growls, continuing right where Jensen had left off before ducking his head down and catches Jensen’s lips with his own in one swift kisses.
Jensen only has a few seconds to freeze up before feeling himself sinking into waves of sensation and lust that burns, getting lost in the dizzying intensity that makes him weak all of a sudden. He can’t help his reaction because for fuck sake this is Jared who’s kissing him like his life depends on it. Unconsciously, Jensen’s hands are lifted up to touch Jared’s hard jaw, only to drag it further back to sink inside Jared’s thick strands of dark hair. Wild heat is spreading throughout Jensen’s whole body, and he holds on to Jared tightly, fighting to get closer and closer in his effort, trying to take all he can get.
Jensen is used to dream about kissing Jared. Hell, he has even lost count on how many times he had imagined about it. But he never thought that the feeling he’d get when those strong lips are devouring his can be this intoxicating.
The shock he gets from Jared’s kiss can only be compared by the way his body’s shivering uncontrollably as Jared’s long fingers are sneaking inside through the rim of his hospital gown’s low collar, slowly caressing every inch of Jensen’s skin they can touch beneath. Jensen can feel Jared’s shuddering along with his as those fingers finally find their way onto one of Jensen’s sensitive nipples.
Jared is teasing him with a speed and skill so good that all of a sudden Jensen feels panic. He jerks his hands off Jared’s hair and tries to rid the older man’s roaming fingers from his sensitive skin, but instead his hands grab the back of Jared’s palms, automatically and unconsciously follows his basic instinct that never wants Jared to stop. Great clashing between his fear and longing shakes Jensen to the core.
This man is more than able to break you. He did it back then so what makes you think he won’t do it again, Jensen?
The thought flashes in Jensen’s mind. And the strikes of fear that comes after makes him stop his unconscious attempt of free-falling into crates of self-destruction. He tries to pull his lips off Jared’s but Jared just pulls him even closer.
Jensen feels so afraid and frustrated and it surprises him when he realizes the coldness ghosting over his now really wet cheeks. Jensen just can’t take it anymore. A soft sob escapes his throat and upon hearing it, Jared suddenly goes completely still.
Unbearable shame makes Jensen rip his lips off Jared’s, turning his face away to hide his flushed face. He can’t breathe for trying to hold back sobs, causing his chest to throb painfully. Jensen grits his teeth in his effort to control himself.
Jared stares at him. His hand caresses Jensen’s wet cheek and gently he pulls the younger man inside his tight embrace, resting his jaw on top of Jensen’s head. Jensen’s body tenses, but all the churning emotions inside are weakening him and he has no power to shake Jared off.
Jared doesn’t say anything for a long time, yet Jensen can still feel vibes of anger coming out of his pores. And Jensen doesn’t know how he knows --he even doubts it-- but somehow he senses that Jared’s anger isn’t aimed at Jensen but more to himself instead.
“It’s like I said… I love you, Jensen.” Jared finally speaks, his voice is hoarse. “I always have and always will. And no matter how many times you ask me to leave, even with tears brimming in your beautiful green eyes, I don’t think I will ever be able to let myself walk away from you. Not again. Not when I can still see you look at me like that, eyes darkened with desire and longing, just like how I remembered. That’s why I beg you Jensen, please…. Please let me make it up to you and I’m sure someday you can finally learn to trust me.”
Unexpectedly, Jared’s words break the spell Jensen is in. Those things he says brings back Jensen’s anger. Most people might find that those strings of beautiful sentences, if those were said to them, can really cure any heartache they have inside their heart. But for Jensen, that’s not the case.
Ever since that day Jensen left the Padalecki’s residence, he found that he had no more reason to think that positively towards anything. And it’s probably the greatest change that’s happened to him, since he was never like this before. He used to be so optimistic. He wouldn’t have decided to return back for Jared if he wasn’t.
But the painful life he has been living up until now, if anything, has finally succeeded on teaching him a hard learned lesson:
There is something wrong with him.
It’s like he’s been cursed to live his life alone for the rest of his life. Nobody loves him. There’s no one who can. Even if somebody did, in the end someone or something would make them leave. And Jensen has done blaming others. No matter how pathetic it makes his life become, Jensen has no other choice but to accept the fact that it was all his own fault.
That’s why Jensen feels so angry at Jared right now. Can’t he see that what he said has given Jensen hope? It’s something Jensen doesn’t allow himself to have again. Because in the end, he’ll be the only person left with another wound in his heart that won’t heal.
And it’s also infuriating for Jensen to hear Jared saying with confidence that Jensen still loves him, because it’s a reality Jensen has been trying like hell to forget. It’s a fact that he’s been denying over and over again everyday. He has been trying to bury that feeling in the deepest of his mind and Jared is so wrong if he thinks Jensen will want to dig it up to the surface again.
Jared is the man who had hurt him the most. He’s the reason why Jensen’s life has become this miserable, and he is nowhere near ready to forgive him. There’s just too much to put at stake if he does.
Suddenly energized by rage, Jensen shoves Jared away hard, putting a distance between Jared’s too-close-for-comfort body and his, as far as he can. And he watches with satisfaction as Jared stumbles a few steps back from the strength of his pushing.
Jensen wipes his wet lips roughly with the back of his hand, trying unsuccessfully to get rid of all the taste of Jared from his lips. His eyes are narrowing dangerously as he stares at Jared’s surprised face.
“I don’t think you get it, Jared.” Jensen says with cold tone. “I’ve said it before and now I’ll say it again. I don’t love you anymore. So please stop hallucinating and just leave me alone. No matter what you do, I’ll never trust my heart to anyone else, ever again.”
Jared’s jaw visibly tightened at Jensen’s words. For a long time, no one says anything and they just stare at each other.
“I get it.” Jared says, breaking the silence between them. “I understand that right now it’s impossible for me to earn back your love and trust.”
Jared looks so defeated that it surprises Jensen. It’s rare to see that expression on Jared’s face and at the same time Jensen feels relieved because it seems Jared finally will decide to walk out of his life forever.
But apparently Jensen’s assumption is wrong, because the next second Jared’s familiar determined expression returns.
“That’s why all I can do right now is to work harder to win you back.” Jared says with a serious face. “No matter how long it will take, I’ll never give up. And this time, I’ll make sure myself that there’ll be nothing or no one to get in our way.”
Jensen’s staring him as if he was crazy but Jared ignores him and continues. “You wouldn’t want to go back home with me for nothing. I understand that you must feel it’s a useless thing to do considering what had happened. That being said, I know you can’t just surrender your heart to me. But at least I can still create one last chance for myself, can I?”
Jensen looks confused at that. “What do you mean?”
“Give me the price.” Jared says. “Tell me how much I should pay to make you willing to come home with me and stay for a month.”
Jared stands there --giving Jensen his proposal which is actually part of his plan-- and tries not to show how panicked he actually feels right now. Jensen is trying to close all the doors on him. And Jared knows he must do something, anything, if he doesn’t want to lose Jensen forever.
Jared has lost him twice before. The first time was because he chose to leave Jensen. And the second time was because he forced Jensen to leave him. But he sure as hell won’t lose him for the third time. It’s simply unacceptable and though Jared is aware that once again he is being selfish, Jared is sure that all he needs to get Jensen back to his side is more time.
And that’s how this fucked up plan came out. Putting aside the disgusted feeling towards himself for putting Jensen in this kind of situation, for now it’s the only thing Jared can do.
“Did you…” Jensen looks like he can’t believe his ears. “Did you just say that you wanted to buy me?”
“Yes, I did.” Jared answers with no hesitation.
Jensen gapes, too speechless to say anything.
“Fuck you, Jared.” Jensen hisses, finally coherent enough to respond. “You’re totally one crazy bastard, you know that?”
“What’s wrong?” Jared taunts. “Don’t tell me you’re going to say no to my offer? I mean, you were the one who said that you don’t have any feeling whatsoever for me, weren’t you? Then just treat me like your other customers and I’m sure we won’t have a problem.”
Jensen’s eyes widened, annoyed because suddenly he realizes what this is about: Jared is actually challenging him. The bastard is testing him to see if what he said about his feelings for Jared is true.
“Buying my time for a whole month, it’s going to be so expensive.” Jensen says, desperate in his effort to make Jared forget his intention.
“You know I’m more than able to afford it, Jensen.” Jared blocks it easily.
Jensen sneers. “Even if that’s the way it is, you should know that I’m picky when it comes to my customers. And I really don’t think you’re qualified enough to be one.”
“Really?” Jared raises his eyebrows. “I’m sorry but I find myself doubting that. I bet you have a long list of clients that are much worse than me, don’t you?”
Jensen narrows his eyes. “Not really. It depends on what qualification we’re talking about.”
Jared is about to say something back when suddenly the door is opened and Dr. Jennings enters the room again.
He stares at both Jensen and Jared, probably realizing the tense atmosphere hanging in the air. “Is everything okay?”
“We’re fine, doctor. Just… we’re in the middle of talking about some family matters.” Jared assures the doctor with a smile, seeing from the corner of his eyes that Jensen only grits his teeth at his words.
Dr. Jennings seems to find the answer satisfying because he nods before clearing his throat and walks towards Jensen. “Mr. Ackles, judging from the result of your examination, I can see that your body is recovering pretty fast. Therefore, I think I can give you a permission to leave the hospital today.”
Jensen’s face brightens up at hearing that. He has been starting to get fed up with this room, the ridiculous hospital gown they made him wear, this stupid bed, and the fact that Jared is here with him and stealing his breath just by his existence. He misses his secluded and private apartment. “Oh, that’s great.” Jensen says cheerfully. “Then can I leave right this afternoon?”
Dr. Jennings smiles at Jensen’s excitement. “Sure, as soon as you both are ready, I’ll come and give you a final check up. I’ll also give you some prescriptions that you need to take regularly during your healing period. Jared-sshi can contact the administration office for you and after he’s done taking care of your bills and buying your meds, both of you can leave this hospital.”
Jensen frowns. “Wait a minute, doctor. I think you misunderstand.” Jensen points at Jared and says, “I’m not leaving with him.”
Dr. Jennings looks confused. “Oh? You’re not? But Mr. Padalecki here had convinced me earlier that you’ll be taken care of well at home. Aren’t you two brothers going to live together?”
Jensen can’t believe what he had heard. So that is what Jared and the doctor were talking about. Slowly, he turns his gaze to the still standing Jared, and glares. To Jensen’s annoyance, Jared is pretending not to see that.
“No, we’re not. And I can take care of myself, doctor.” Jensen said to the doctor, eyes filled with anger still fixed on Jared. “I will go back to my own apartment.”
“Do you have someone there who can help take care of you until you’re completely recovered?” Dr. Jennings asks Jensen.
“Huh?” Jensen blinks. “No, I live alone.”
Dr. Jennings’s kind smile suddenly disappears at hearing that. “Well, then. I’m sorry but if that’s so then I have to tell you that won’t do. Even though I said your health is getting better, you can’t be alone until you’re completely well. Some of the wounds on your body are still fresh and they need extra care, and since most of the meds I’ll give you have sedative effects, I don’t think you can treat it by yourself.”
Jensen helplessly wants to groan. He gives Jared a hateful stare, his chin is up, showing determination. “Fine, than I’ll stay for a few more days.”
Jared says nothing. He’s been talking to the doctor; Jared knows Dr. Jennings is going to drop another bomb to Jensen’s statement. Jensen thinks he still has a way to get out of this possibility of living with Jared once again, but really, soon he’ll realize that he’s been pushed to the corner and he won’t be able to escape.
“I’m sorry, Mr. Ackles. But I think you wouldn’t want that either.” Dr. Jennings clears his throat, giving Jensen a regretful look. “You see, I have no choice but to ask you leave this hospital today. Like I said before, it has been a normal protocol for doctors to report such cases as yours to the police. But I understand that no one in this room would have wanted that, would we? Considering what you do for living, I’m sure police interference would only bring more trouble for you. Trust me, I know. It’s not my first time dealing with patients who work as a hustler. They ended up getting more hard times when the police came in to join the crowd and I felt bad for them. That’s why I decide to be lenient on you. But I can’t keep hiding this from my colleagues. Sooner or later someone will find out. So I’m telling you that if you insist on staying here, even for just one more day, then I will have to contact the authorities.”
Jensen is really annoyed now.
What the hell?
Suddenly, through the speaker placed on the hospital hall outside, three of them can hear a woman’s voice, announcing that Dr. Jennings is needed in ICU STAT.
“Ah, duty calls. You two can talk about this alone and when you have your decision, please let me know. If I’m not in my office by then, please just wait, okay?” The doctor says and then walks out of the door in a hurry.
As soon as the door is shut closed, Jensen turns his attention on Jared.
“Okay, what was that?” Jensen asks, his tone is angry and demanding. “Don’t tell me you had nothing to do with it.”
Jared tries hard to act innocent and keep his excitement hidden. “I really didn’t have anything to do with it, Jensen.” Jared speaks the half truth.
Well, he indeed has done some small things to make the situation spiraling into this. But the rest of it comes out just naturally.
Actually, at first Jared was unable to come up with any plan whatsoever. He was just too unsure and afraid to figure out one. But then Jensen fainted and things were starting to roll into unexpected ways, and that’s when this plan popped inside his head.
It’s obvious that he still can’t persuade Jensen to come back home with him after he apologized and cleared things up. Not even after confessing his love to him. But at the moment Jensen is left with no choice but to accept Jared’s earlier offer. Telling Jensen that he’ll pay Jensen to come home is just Jared’s way to make it easier and less stressful for Jensen’s already battered mind.
Now that he thinks about it, the way this complicated situation turns out to be such a big help for him is perhaps one of God’s way of telling him that he can still have one more chance. And he has every full intention to make a good use of it.
“I don’t believe this.” Jensen groans.
The despair Jared hears in Jensen’s words wears off his excitement. Jared dares himself to step forward. “Please, Jensen. Don’t make things get more difficult on both of us. I believe this is the only win-win solution we have. I want to spend more time with you so I can try to make you see how sincere and sorry I am. But we both know that you won’t want to do it just like that. So now I’m offering you a reason that is totally unsentimental so you can at least put yourself at ease while you’re doing it. You seem so eager to get rid of me. But the way I see it, it’s either you give me a chance and the time I need to prove to you that I’ve changed, or you will never get your peace because I can guarantee I’ll keep showing up in front of you until you cave in.” Jared grips the side of Jensen’s bed, letting Jensen see how determined and serious he is when he continues, “I meant it when I said that no matter how long it will take, I’ll never give up. So just consider my offer, will you? If by the end of that one month you still can’t find a place for me in your heart, then you can leave with your money and I promise I won’t ever bother you again.”
Jensen shakes his head, frustrated. “Can’t you see that it’s useless?”
“I have to believe it’ll be otherwise.” Jared perseveres.
Hearing that, Jensen’s gaze is a defeated one as he looks at Jared for a long time.
“Why are you doing this to me?” Jensen asks with bitter voice, and Jared can see his hands are gripping the already rumpled sheet tightly.
Jared gulps down. He turns his gaze onto the floor, unable to bear the sight in front of him. Jensen looking at him like that, he can’t help but feel saddened. But there’s just no way he will back down now.
“I’m sorry. Even after all of this, you’re still the one who has to bear the most sadness.” Hoarsely, Jared tells Jensen in the end before lifting his face and looks right into Jensen’s eyes. “But I need you to give me this last chance.”
Jensen is silent for a moment.
“Fine, I’ll take your offer.” Jensen finally says and his jaw is tightened. “However, before you start being delusional, let me remind you that starting from this second, you’re just my client and I’m just your whore. That’ll be it. And I’ll tell you what is going to happen between us once we go back. You can fuck me whenever and wherever you want to. With some extra money on the bill; I’ll even let you cum inside my mouth.” Jensen ignores Jared’s cringing at his blunt words and instead continues on talking with gritted teeth. “You can do almost everything to me. Hell, you’re paying so that’s how it should be. But don’t expect me to have any expectations, Jared. Don’t tell me to look forward to anything you’ll do that you think will be able to make me forget all the pain you’ve caused. You must know that every second I’ll spend with you for the next one month will be the worst moments in my life and nothing can ever change that. Even if it’s the last thing I do, I won’t let myself fall for you again.”
Jared says nothing to that. It’s useless anyway because starting at this point; he realizes actions will work better for both of them instead of words.
Walking away from Jensen, Jared prays silently that somehow, before his time runs out, a miracle will happen between the two of them and they’ll finally be able to reach their happiness.
“I’ll go and tell the doctor that we’ve reached a decision.” Jared says and Jensen is just watching him silently, lost inside his own thought as the older man disappears behind the door.
TBC
PS: Okay, I'll be honest. For the next two weeks I have to study intensively for my Master Degree Entrance test. So Idk when I will be able to update new chapter... T____________T
I'll try to steal some writing times in between, and comments always make me motivated. XD
Please e patient and stay awesome as you are, okay, BBs?
Oh, and wish me luck on my test next month, please? ^_______^
Character: Jared, Jensen, JDM, Mike Rosenbaum, Tom Welling.
Category: Angst, Romance, Drama, H/C
Warning: Rape/Non-con, underage, Jensen/OMC
Rating: PG-13 again for this chapter
Summary:
Jensen is Jared's younger stepbrother. When Jensen was 7, his mother was remarried to Thomas Padalecki, the head of the rich and famous Padalecki family.
Their closeness as child changed after they grew older and Jared found out his feelings toward Jensen. Not wanting to ruin the family, Jared chose to keep his love for Jensen inside and avoid him like crazy instead.
While Jensen was struggling to bear his own misery, he too realized his feelings for Jared, but didn't act on it because he assumed Jared hated him.
After 3 years of escaping from the family, hearing Thomas' death, Jensen decided to come back. Only to face Jared's hatred towards him.
All Jensen wants is a happiness and love with Jared by his side. Can he reach it eventually?
Author notes:
A long awaited update with almost 14500words on it.
And now I have to grovel for your apology. T_____________T
Really, seriously, sorry for being SO LAME in updating. My muse had been going MIA again for almost a month, and I scraped this chapter from what was left off my brain. RL was being suck again too. Threw me over here and there with no chance to sit quietly in front of my computer for even two hours and write.
I'll take all of it: your dissapointed sighs, your death glares, or even your angry rants. Since I deserve it.
For all of you people who had been so kind and leave me comments and PMing me about this story, I'm deeply thankful. Especially to those who haven't given up on this story. *gives you smooches*
I hope the ridiculuous length of this cha[ter can at least make up for my lameness. And I wish you'll enjoy this one too~! Comments and/or complaints are totally welcomed and surely loved to death. XD
Anyway, LJ won't allow me to post this in one since it's too large, so I split it into two parts. Sorry for the inconvenience. ^^;
Chapter 17 - Part 2
A voice brings Jensen into consciousness. He opens his eyes carefully, wincing at the sudden bright light that makes his eyes hurt. A tall shadow at the side of the bed comes into his blurry view and he blinks his eyes rapidly, trying to focus his eyesight.
“You’re awake?” That careful question sounds hoarse, and Jensen instantly recognizes Jared’s voice. His entire body reflexively filled with happiness until his memories turn that feeling off in an instant, makes his body tense.
Being able to see much more clearly now, Jensen notices Jared sitting beside his bed with a worried expression on his face. There is also a young man in a white coat at the other side of his bed --supposedly a doctor-- who is watching his reactions carefully.
“Where am I…?” Jensen’s question comes out in a whisper.
“You’re in East General Hospital, Mr. Ackles. You fainted and your stepbrother brought you here. I’m your doctor in charge, Dr. Jennings.” The young doctor answers him with a warm smile. “Can you describe how you’re feeling right now?”
Jensen licks his dry lips. “… I think I have a slight headache. And it’s a bit painful to move. But it’s my… behind that hurts a lot.” Jensen says, blushing a bit.
Dr. Jennings nods grimly. Jensen is too flustered to look at Jared.
“It’s a normal reaction, Mr. Ackles. Perhaps you’ve already realized about this condition you are in but you have some bruises on your body. And you also have tears on the inner wall of your anus, which I’m treating intensively right now.” The doctor stares at Jensen seriously. “That being said, all of your wounds show indications of sexual violence. I also found traces of sperm mixed in with your blood on your pants. So I’m really sorry, but I really have to ask you this: is there any chance that you were raped by someone?”
Jensen’s heart skips a beat. “What? No.” Jensen responds, far too quickly, and he almost bites his tongue.
“What about your current partner or lover? Does he have some sexual sadistic tendencies? I mean, did you engaged in a sexual intercourse with your partner that used unusual and rough methods?”
Under the doctor’s sharp gaze, Jensen shakes his head. “I don’t have a lover.” Jensen answers weakly. He tries to sound casual as his mind’s reeling, trying to come up with a lie to avoid more suspicions from the doctor. Working in this profession for almost two months, he has never been put in this kind of situation before. Usually he wasn’t injured this badly and he was used to treat his wounds by himself.
Jensen silently curses Jared’s decision to bring him here in the first place.
“I see.” Dr. Jennings nods, and then gives Jared a sharp glare. “Mr. Ackles, your stepbrother told me that you fainted just like that with blood all over the backside of your pants while you both were having a conversation. Is that what really happened?”
Jensen glances at the now frowning Jared, and then back to the doctor, nodding. “Yes. I think that was what happened.”
Dr. Jennings nods before turning his gaze to Jared. “Mr. Padalecki, can you tell me what kind of conversation did you have with your stepbrother?”
Jared raises his eyebrows, annoyed because he knows what the doctor is up to with these questions. He is confirming his earlier suspicion on Jared.
“… It’s actually a personal matter, doctor, but if you really have to know, in general it’s just a typical conversation.” Jared says with teeth clinched tightly.
Dr. Jennings still hasn’t stopped staring sharply at Jared. “Are you sure it wasn’t some kind of a fight? An argument between the two of you about something, perhaps?”
Jensen’s eyes widened at that. “Whoa, whoa. Doctor, I think you’re trying to accuse my step brother here as the one who caused my injuries. Are you serious?”
Dr. Jennings calmly turned his gaze back at Jensen. “Look, Mr. Ackles. Law clearly states that whenever I treat a patient with a condition like yours, I am supposed to call the police for further investigation. But before I do that, I need to get a statement from you as the victim. I know it might sound crazy to you, but right now I have no choice but suspecting Mr. Padalecki here as the perpetrator because he was the only one around when you passed out.”
Jensen gulps down; not being able to deny the logics the doctor is giving him.
“I can assure you that police will surely have the same opinion as mine. So if you don’t want to involve your step brother in a more serious problem, I suggest you to tell me the truth, Mr. Ackles.” The doctor then folds his hands over his chest, waiting.
“Hold on, doctor.” Jared says, looking a bit angry. “You can’t force him to do this. I’m no lawyer but if this is going to be a case, I know my step brother has no obligation to say anything to you until his lawyer is here.”
Dr. Jennings glares, seeming to be annoyed at Jared’s intrusion. “Yes, I’m aware of that. But you can’t stop me from persuading my own patient to reveal the identity of the person who has done such horrible things to him. In case you haven’t noticed, I’m just being concerned and trying to help Mr. Ackles here.”
Jared is about to argue with that when suddenly Jensen cuts in.
“It was my client who did this.” Jensen says calmly but his voice is loud enough to catch the other two guys’ attention.
Both Jared and Dr. Jennings turn their heads towards Jensen, staring at him with widened eyes. Jensen sighs at their reaction.
“I’m a hustler.” Jensen speaks again; his gaze fixed on Dr. Jennings this time. “Last night one of my regular clients was being too rough on me and that’s the reason why I’m having these kinds of injuries now.”
Jensen is hoping that this information he’s breaking to the doctor can make the doctor feel shocked enough and leave him alone even for just a while. Being a doctor in this young age, Dr. Jennings looks like one of those people who grew up in respectable family, spent his youth by studying diligently, and hangs out only with elite society. He might never have even cursed for once in his lifetime. For Jensen to casually tell him that he’s a whore who’s willing to fuck anyone as long as the price is right, must be something terrifying to hear for the young doctor. It’s playing dirty, yet Jensen can’t see any other way to stop this from turning into bigger problem.
But unexpectedly, Dr. Jennings is just staring at him with expression as if he finally understands the real situation he has on his hand. “A client, is it?” Dr. Jennings asks Jensen. “So you’re a hustler?”
Jared, with eyes fixed on Jensen, and just says nothing on the other side.
“Yeah,” Jensen shrugs. “You can say I had bad luck last night. But he paid me so well. That’s why I can’t see why this should be a problem, doctor.”
“I see.” Dr. Jennings nods, his forehead is frowning. He seems to be concerned about something. Then the doctor clears his throat. “Alright then, I guess that explains a lot about your wounds. However, this new information makes me have to rethink the whole situation and considering what I’ll do about you, Mr. Ackles.” He smiles politely.
Jared suddenly realizes that this is a perfect situation to start to work on his plan, so quickly he says, “Dr. Jennings, can I have a word with you outside?”
Both Dr. Jennings and Jensen look surprised at that. But the young doctor finally nods and starts to walk towards the door with Jared on his tail, leaving Jensen alone to stare on their back with a suspicious gaze.
---00o00---
Jared enters the room again after half an hour, finding Jensen lying there on his bed with his eyes closed. Jensen opens them at the sound of the door clicking closed and his green eyes instantly find Jared. For a second, he considers to ask Jared about what he was talking about with that doctor out there, but he refrains himself from doing it. He doesn’t want to make Jared have the wrong impression that he cares.
For a moment, none of them speak. The silence is broken by Jared telling Jensen that Dr. Jennings had decided to postpone his intention to bring this matter to the police. Jared had convinced him that doing it would only cause trouble for Jensen so the doctor said he understood and promised to take this matter into further consideration.
Hearing that, Jensen can’t help but bursting into laughter. He laughs so hard that even Jared’s questioning stare on him can’t make him stop.
“Sorry, I can’t help it.” Jensen says after a while between his chuckles. “It’s just so funny to see him get all worked up to defend me and then just walked away and do nothing after knowing that I’m just a whore.” His hands are lifted to wipe those teary eyes caused by the laughter. “Feeling concern about me, he said?”
Jared turns his gaze away; unable to bear witness to Jensen’s forced smile after he says that. “I think he really is concerned about you.” Jared mutters under his breath, trying to offer some consolation.
Jensen chooses to say nothing to that. “You’re still here.” He says with a flat tone.
Jared’s eyes are back on Jensen, looking determined. “We still need to talk.”
“I don’t think so. I’ve said all I’ve got to say, Jared. We’re done.” Jensen replies calmly. He reaches to the bed side, looking for the button to leverage the head of the bed.
Jared waits until Jensen finishes raising the head of the bed and moving his body into a sitting position.
“I’ve known for a while about this… job you’re doing now, Jensen.” Jared starts to speak again.
Jensen looks indifferent at hearing it. “Yeah, I figured you have.”
“And I also know why you decided to do it. Mike told me about Tom.” Jared watches Jensen carefully, wanting to know Jensen’s reaction at the mention of his best friends’ name.
But Jensen just lifts his chin up, looking defiant as he says, “Okay. So?”
Jared starts to feel frustrated. To tell the truth, he doesn’t know what kind of reaction he’s trying to pull out of the younger man, but it’s definitely not this cold and ignorant face Jensen’s putting on. Hell, he’d even be glad to put up with Jensen’s rage once again. At least letting Jensen lash his anger on him won’t make him feel so much at a loss like this.
“Look, Jensen. I can’t say I understand fully on why you’re doing it, but I know that I am also part of the reason. I lost my mind back then and I did things to you that must have left such a horrible impact…. For that I’m really sorry.”
Jensen glares at Jared’s hunched form, suddenly feeling so angry all over again. “Don’t put too much credit on yourself, Jared.” He hisses. “You absolutely have nothing to do with what I’ve done in my life.”
Jensen’s gaze on Jared is burning, but Jared doesn’t budge. “I still remembered Jensen. The last time we met, didn’t you say that you love me?”
His words cause Jensen to gape. “… What?”
“You said you love me...” Jared repeats in a softer tone, almost nostalgic. “You told me you had been feeling that way for a long time.”
Jensen thinks that Jared should really be thankful that he can’t exactly move freely with these injuries because if he can, then he’d be off the bed in an instant and choking Jared’s throat.
How dare he?! How dare him to bring back those painful memories in front of me! He was the one who treated me like shit, even after I said that I love him. And now he’s slapping those words back on my face and expecting me to forget about everything?
Jensen grits his teeth hard, trying to control the flow of anger that’s heating his blood. He clutches the side of the bed tightly. “Yes, I did.” Jensen replies with tone cold as ice. “But if you think I still do, even after all this time, then you must be crazy.”
It’s a pathetic lie. But to have that lie just rolled out so swiftly off his tongue; Jensen assumes there’s only his fury to be blamed.
Jared stares at him. “You’re lying.”
He looks so damn sure that it makes Jensen really want to throw something at him. His confidence really gets on Jensen’s nerves. But instead he rolls his eyes, trying to act bored. “Do I really have to respond to that?”
And the silence is back inside the room. Jensen busies himself by fiddling over his blanket, feeling nervous because Jared is still looking at him like that.
“Fine.” Jared speaks after a while. He moves to the end of the bed, bending his body forward and dips both his palms onto the soft mattress, facing the sitting Jensen. “Then you’ll just have to be prepared because from this moment on, I’m fully intending to make you fall in love with me all over again, one way or another.”
“What do you mean?” Jensen’s eyes are narrowed and he ignores the fact that his heart skips a beat at Jared’s words.
Jared fists his palms, getting them tangled in the sheet. His expression turns into one that Jensen has never seen before. And somehow, Jared looking like that with his eyes fixed on him makes Jensen’s heart beat even faster. Unconsciously, Jensen presses one of his hands over his left chest, hoping to calm it down.
“Listen, Jensen.” Jared says softly, his voice is wavering a little. “You don’t know how many times I’ve dreamt about this moment. So please look at me in the eyes when I’m telling you that I love you.” Jared’s eyes are glistening beneath the light of the lamp. “I love you. I’ve been falling for you for too long that I’ve forgotten how it felt to wake up one morning and not be thinking about you. But what I’m feeling for you has been carved too deeply inside my heart. It’s not only temporary, and is never just a lust. I’ve always loved you, and now I know I can never stop feeling this way. Not even if I was crazy enough for wanting to do so.”
Jared can see how Jensen freezes at his words, looking too shocked to even show a single reaction. But Jared doesn’t turn his gaze away though his whole body has become so stiff.
Waiting. Expecting. Fearing.
Jared isn’t even sure what exactly he’s feeling right now. Every emotion is getting mixed up, and he’s just so nervous that he can feel his stomach coiling.
The silence lasts much longer this time, leaving both men with nothing else to do but dealing with their own emotions. It’s suffocating.
And Jensen decides he has had enough of this.
“I don’t know what the hell it is you’re up to right now, Jared. But making jokes like this is just too cruel.” Jensen says, voice shaking with mixed anger and sadness. His head is hung low, eyes staring down at the sheet and the tears are back, blurring his view. He shuts his eyes tightly for a few seconds to stop them from falling.
What Jared has just said is the one thing Jensen has always been dying to hear from the older man. The words make him fine it difficult to suppress the desire to hear it more and more. And without mercy, it fills his heart with hopes.
But Jensen knows better than to let himself crave for love all over again. He will never expect anymore happiness even for once. For almost 22 years he has been living with these feelings of longing and hoping for love, but he has become too tired in experiencing failure after failure in his life. He has sworn to himself to never waste his time again for those kinds of things, ever.
Jensen grits his teeth, trying to bear all these pain in his heart. As he looks up, he knows fully how fragile he must have been looked in Jared’s point of view. But Jensen doesn’t care.
Right now, Jared is playing a sick game for some fucked up reasons that he doesn’t even want to know. And he has no other choice than to play along.
“Let’s just pretend that I believe what you’ve just said,” Jensen’s smile is stretched and bitter and his voice is quivering. “Then why did you treat me like you did back then?”
Jared looks troubled with the question. He looks away from Jensen and is staring aside instead, watching glimpse of people passing by through small glasses on the room’s door.
Jensen is waiting not so patiently. As much as he thinks it’s just a mind game, he can’t help but feeling curious. What he has just asked is the biggest question that keeps lingering inside his mind for years, and today, he finally might get an answer.
“… I thought it was for the best.” Jared’s honest answer comes out softly, almost sounding like a whisper.
But the reason Jensen asks Jared to repeat it a few seconds later is not because he didn’t hear it in the first place.
Jensen just thinks that his sense of hearing must have played a trick on him because the answer is far too ridiculous for him to accept it just as it is.
“I thought it was the best for all of us, especially for you.” Jared does what Jensen asked and this time he’s looking straight into Jensen’s eyes as he says it.
Jensen blinks, and once again, the room is suddenly filled with his laughter. Drops of tears he has been holding back for so long are finally running down over his cheeks due to the way his body is shaking as he laughs and laughs, but Jensen just couldn’t tell anymore what it is really that makes him cry and laugh at the same time.
Is it the irony? Is it the fact that what he just heard doesn’t make even a lick of sense in his mind? Is it the way his heart feels like it’s crunched painfully at hearing it? Or is it the anger that suddenly seems to double and burns along his veins?
Jared frowns, obviously confused but says nothing, just waits for Jensen’s laughter to cease.
When it finally does, Jared watches Jensen as he wipes his wet eyes with the end of the hospital blanket, still bursting into chuckles every now and then but says nothing.
Jared tightens his jaw. “Look, I know it’s hard for you to take all of this at once but you have to know that as I was becoming a teenager, I realized what I felt for you had turned to love. Hell, I might have loved you since the first time we met but only then I understood that I want us to become more than just brothers.” Jared grips the sheet harder. “But you seemed so happy with the fact that we were a family…. Remember what you used to tell me? You said that for so long you’d always dreamed to have a brother and a father? And in those first years, each time the four of us sat together around the dining table --laughing and chatting like a real happy family-- you always had this bright expression on your face as if you knew that your dream had finally come true.”
Jensen says nothing, just staring blankly at Jared. The older man sighs in frustration, running his fingers roughly over his hair.
“It was never hate that made me decide to keep a distance from you, Jensen. It was just… I had no other choice. If I kept things the way they were, then sooner or later I was sure that I’d lose my self control and ended up doing something I’d regret to you….” Jared is trying his best to make Jensen understand. “I didn’t want to cause a ruckus in our family. I didn’t want to be the person who made you lose your happiness. And I also didn’t want to disappoint our parents. I kept thinking that even if in the end I’d embraced the fact that I’m gay, at least I wouldn’t have any chance to drag you down with me.”
It’s a sad truth, Jared is more than aware. But Jensen deserves to know. Taking a deep breath, Jared waits silently for Jensen’s reaction.
“… For my sake, was it?” Jensen mutters darkly, and somehow the question shakes up Jared so much because now he can understand, even if it’s just a little, on why Jensen seems to think that his reason is awfully hilarious.
“So what you’re trying to say is that I was the one who should be blamed for my own fucked up life? Is that it?” Jensen lifts his chin up, taunting, ignoring Jared’s concerned frowning.
“You know, it has never crossed my mind before. But now I realize I was thinking too highly of you.” Jensen’s voice is barely a whisper, leaning his head back on the white pillow, eyes staring at the ceiling. “It turns out that you and your father are just the same selfish bastard.” Jensen hisses, lifts up his head again and when his eyes meet Jared’s, the intensity of rage and hatred inside that beautiful pair of green eyes sends a shiver raking down Jared’s body.
“Your father said he had no power to resist me. He fucking blamed me for making him falling in love with me, for making him do all those horrible things he did. But isn’t it ridiculous because I have never asked to be born this way. I never wished for the looks I have. And now it’s you…” Jensen shakes his head and another single drop of tear is falling down from Jensen’s glistening eyes, rolling down his cheeks. “You’re exactly just like him.”
That accusation leaves Jared speechless.
He has assumed that Jensen will find it hard to accept his love confession. After all this time, after everything that has happened between the two of them, even if Jared is sure that deep down Jensen still loves him, Jared knows that there’s it’ll be hard for Jensen to believe right away in the truth of Jared’s feelings. But watching the way Jensen’s face scrunches with emotions as he’s sitting there, his body’s trembling visibly, Jared never thought that his honesty would hurt Jensen this much. He looks so angry yet so miserable that it pains Jared just by seeing him.
“You said you avoided me because you didn’t want to take away my happiness, but you never knew how lonely and painful it was for me to realize that all of a sudden all I could see was your back in the distance, out of my reach. You couldn’t even look at me in the eyes, couldn’t bear to stay in the same room with me. Fuck, you didn’t even bother to tell me why or how. In those moments that I needed you most, you were finally gone, just like that…. I was just a boy who felt so excited because after years of my life, I finally got the family I’d always wanted. But why did it turned out to be like this? Your father took away my innocence and all I could do was just lay there, trying hard to bear all of the things he did to me for the sake of my mother. And then you --the man I admired, the man I looked up to so much …the man that I later realized is the guy whom I fell in love with-- you suddenly avoided me like a plague. Leaving me alone with no one else to turn to, wondering for so long just what was it I did wrong that made you hate me so much….” Jensen’s voice is cracking and another tear falls. “…And that was why I came back. That was why I left everything and everyone: friends whom I love and love me back. I mustered up all my courage just to see you once again because I needed you to tell me why. I wanted to fix our relationship so that I can be beside you once again. But all I got in the end was just another broken heart and cruel humiliation. And now you told me that you did it because of me? That it was all because you want me to remain happy?”
“You and your damn father have caused me nothing but suffering. Do you really think that after saying all that bullshit about loving me then I’ll just simply forget everything?” Jensen wipes his tears angrily. “Sorry to disappoint, but I’ve had enough of this, Hyung. Now I’m asking you to walk out of that door and never look for me again. Let’s just pretend that we’ve never known each other. And forget that I’ve ever said I love you, because that feeling has already gone. I simply just don’t. Not anymore. After so long, finally I’m free, and I’m just so glad to have this chance to start a new life. A life that for once won’t have you in it.”
Jensen’s breath is racing as soon as he finished talking. For a long moment, he and Jared are just staring at each other’s eyes.
Jared’s fear has come true. Jensen has clearly stated that he doesn’t want anything to do with him ever again. Despite his tightening grip on the sheet, Jared tries his best to stay calm. Things have already been too hard for Jensen without him adding something worse into the drama.
Jensen’s face is flushing red with all the emotions churning inside him. His whole body looks as if it screams at Jared to stay away, to just leave him alone.
But Jared already knows that he can’t do that. Hearing all those words Jensen said, Jared realizes even more that there’s just no way he can ever let Jensen go now.
“I can’t do that.” Jared says his thought out loud, hoping Jensen won’t be able to hear the panic in his hoarse voice.
Jensen glares. “What is it, huh? Feels like you haven’t finished destroying my life yet?”
“I’ve made mistakes, Jensen. Mistakes I never meant to make. Turns out there are just too many things I’ve done wrong when it comes to you, more than I’ve ever imagined. And I kept losing you because of that. But I swear to God I’ll do anything to make sure that I will never lose you again.” Jared says with gritted teeth. His expression shows great determination.
Jensen slams his head back onto the pillow hard, frustrated. “Oh, shut up. Why won’t you just shut up and go?” He groans.
But Jared is nothing but persistent. “Look, I can’t undo what I did. I don’t even know if I’ll ever be able to erase all your pain or heal those scars in your heart. But I have to try. You’ve got to let me try, Jensen.” Jared moves, approach Jensen with careful steps so now he’s standing right beside Jensen’s bed, very close to him.
Jensen realizes the shortened distance, and quickly lifts his head up again. But he has nowhere to go and all he can do is just sink his body deeper into the mattress, inching to the side, fighting to maintain his threatened personal space. Staring up at Jared’s face above him, Jensen can’t help but feel afraid and the feeling of helplessness he felt just by having Jared this close has somehow pissed him even more.
“You are such a pompous jerk.” Jensen says with angry tone. “Everything has to be exactly like how you want it, doesn’t it?”
Those fiery words coming out of Jensen’s mouth is followed by sudden flow of overwhelming emotions inside him that can’t be stopped even when he tries to. “The Great Jared Padalecki took pity on an orphaned boy. He threw some bread crumbs for the boy to eat. But after a while he got bored of him. So he turned his back away from him and gave the boy no other choice than to accept his avoidance.” Jensen’s gaze is all fury heat towards the sight of Jared who’s still watching him sharply as he continues. “But then his beloved father died, the boy dares to live, and Jared Padalecki decided that the boy must be rid from his sight. But after the boy grew to be a man, he stupidly returned. And when he did, Jared Padalecki refused to hear everything he was trying to say. He even cruelly stripped what little was left of his dignity. And once again, the whole world bowed down before his wish. Then one day, Jared Padalecki suddenly has a change of opinion, so the boy has to accept it too. He instantly tried to force his way into the boy’s life, or else by God he swore he’ll do anything to make sure the boy is willing to let him do so…” An embarrassing stinging in his eyes and the overwhelmed pain caused by his own words make Jensen speechless all of a sudden, his lips trembling and helplessly his eyes are widened, staring at Jared’s figure from beneath layers of tears so thick that Jared’s face looks blurred in his eye view.
“… And then Jared Padalecki decides that he wants to have the boy for his own.” Jared growls, continuing right where Jensen had left off before ducking his head down and catches Jensen’s lips with his own in one swift kisses.
Jensen only has a few seconds to freeze up before feeling himself sinking into waves of sensation and lust that burns, getting lost in the dizzying intensity that makes him weak all of a sudden. He can’t help his reaction because for fuck sake this is Jared who’s kissing him like his life depends on it. Unconsciously, Jensen’s hands are lifted up to touch Jared’s hard jaw, only to drag it further back to sink inside Jared’s thick strands of dark hair. Wild heat is spreading throughout Jensen’s whole body, and he holds on to Jared tightly, fighting to get closer and closer in his effort, trying to take all he can get.
Jensen is used to dream about kissing Jared. Hell, he has even lost count on how many times he had imagined about it. But he never thought that the feeling he’d get when those strong lips are devouring his can be this intoxicating.
The shock he gets from Jared’s kiss can only be compared by the way his body’s shivering uncontrollably as Jared’s long fingers are sneaking inside through the rim of his hospital gown’s low collar, slowly caressing every inch of Jensen’s skin they can touch beneath. Jensen can feel Jared’s shuddering along with his as those fingers finally find their way onto one of Jensen’s sensitive nipples.
Jared is teasing him with a speed and skill so good that all of a sudden Jensen feels panic. He jerks his hands off Jared’s hair and tries to rid the older man’s roaming fingers from his sensitive skin, but instead his hands grab the back of Jared’s palms, automatically and unconsciously follows his basic instinct that never wants Jared to stop. Great clashing between his fear and longing shakes Jensen to the core.
This man is more than able to break you. He did it back then so what makes you think he won’t do it again, Jensen?
The thought flashes in Jensen’s mind. And the strikes of fear that comes after makes him stop his unconscious attempt of free-falling into crates of self-destruction. He tries to pull his lips off Jared’s but Jared just pulls him even closer.
Jensen feels so afraid and frustrated and it surprises him when he realizes the coldness ghosting over his now really wet cheeks. Jensen just can’t take it anymore. A soft sob escapes his throat and upon hearing it, Jared suddenly goes completely still.
Unbearable shame makes Jensen rip his lips off Jared’s, turning his face away to hide his flushed face. He can’t breathe for trying to hold back sobs, causing his chest to throb painfully. Jensen grits his teeth in his effort to control himself.
Jared stares at him. His hand caresses Jensen’s wet cheek and gently he pulls the younger man inside his tight embrace, resting his jaw on top of Jensen’s head. Jensen’s body tenses, but all the churning emotions inside are weakening him and he has no power to shake Jared off.
Jared doesn’t say anything for a long time, yet Jensen can still feel vibes of anger coming out of his pores. And Jensen doesn’t know how he knows --he even doubts it-- but somehow he senses that Jared’s anger isn’t aimed at Jensen but more to himself instead.
“It’s like I said… I love you, Jensen.” Jared finally speaks, his voice is hoarse. “I always have and always will. And no matter how many times you ask me to leave, even with tears brimming in your beautiful green eyes, I don’t think I will ever be able to let myself walk away from you. Not again. Not when I can still see you look at me like that, eyes darkened with desire and longing, just like how I remembered. That’s why I beg you Jensen, please…. Please let me make it up to you and I’m sure someday you can finally learn to trust me.”
Unexpectedly, Jared’s words break the spell Jensen is in. Those things he says brings back Jensen’s anger. Most people might find that those strings of beautiful sentences, if those were said to them, can really cure any heartache they have inside their heart. But for Jensen, that’s not the case.
Ever since that day Jensen left the Padalecki’s residence, he found that he had no more reason to think that positively towards anything. And it’s probably the greatest change that’s happened to him, since he was never like this before. He used to be so optimistic. He wouldn’t have decided to return back for Jared if he wasn’t.
But the painful life he has been living up until now, if anything, has finally succeeded on teaching him a hard learned lesson:
There is something wrong with him.
It’s like he’s been cursed to live his life alone for the rest of his life. Nobody loves him. There’s no one who can. Even if somebody did, in the end someone or something would make them leave. And Jensen has done blaming others. No matter how pathetic it makes his life become, Jensen has no other choice but to accept the fact that it was all his own fault.
That’s why Jensen feels so angry at Jared right now. Can’t he see that what he said has given Jensen hope? It’s something Jensen doesn’t allow himself to have again. Because in the end, he’ll be the only person left with another wound in his heart that won’t heal.
And it’s also infuriating for Jensen to hear Jared saying with confidence that Jensen still loves him, because it’s a reality Jensen has been trying like hell to forget. It’s a fact that he’s been denying over and over again everyday. He has been trying to bury that feeling in the deepest of his mind and Jared is so wrong if he thinks Jensen will want to dig it up to the surface again.
Jared is the man who had hurt him the most. He’s the reason why Jensen’s life has become this miserable, and he is nowhere near ready to forgive him. There’s just too much to put at stake if he does.
Suddenly energized by rage, Jensen shoves Jared away hard, putting a distance between Jared’s too-close-for-comfort body and his, as far as he can. And he watches with satisfaction as Jared stumbles a few steps back from the strength of his pushing.
Jensen wipes his wet lips roughly with the back of his hand, trying unsuccessfully to get rid of all the taste of Jared from his lips. His eyes are narrowing dangerously as he stares at Jared’s surprised face.
“I don’t think you get it, Jared.” Jensen says with cold tone. “I’ve said it before and now I’ll say it again. I don’t love you anymore. So please stop hallucinating and just leave me alone. No matter what you do, I’ll never trust my heart to anyone else, ever again.”
Jared’s jaw visibly tightened at Jensen’s words. For a long time, no one says anything and they just stare at each other.
“I get it.” Jared says, breaking the silence between them. “I understand that right now it’s impossible for me to earn back your love and trust.”
Jared looks so defeated that it surprises Jensen. It’s rare to see that expression on Jared’s face and at the same time Jensen feels relieved because it seems Jared finally will decide to walk out of his life forever.
But apparently Jensen’s assumption is wrong, because the next second Jared’s familiar determined expression returns.
“That’s why all I can do right now is to work harder to win you back.” Jared says with a serious face. “No matter how long it will take, I’ll never give up. And this time, I’ll make sure myself that there’ll be nothing or no one to get in our way.”
Jensen’s staring him as if he was crazy but Jared ignores him and continues. “You wouldn’t want to go back home with me for nothing. I understand that you must feel it’s a useless thing to do considering what had happened. That being said, I know you can’t just surrender your heart to me. But at least I can still create one last chance for myself, can I?”
Jensen looks confused at that. “What do you mean?”
“Give me the price.” Jared says. “Tell me how much I should pay to make you willing to come home with me and stay for a month.”
Jared stands there --giving Jensen his proposal which is actually part of his plan-- and tries not to show how panicked he actually feels right now. Jensen is trying to close all the doors on him. And Jared knows he must do something, anything, if he doesn’t want to lose Jensen forever.
Jared has lost him twice before. The first time was because he chose to leave Jensen. And the second time was because he forced Jensen to leave him. But he sure as hell won’t lose him for the third time. It’s simply unacceptable and though Jared is aware that once again he is being selfish, Jared is sure that all he needs to get Jensen back to his side is more time.
And that’s how this fucked up plan came out. Putting aside the disgusted feeling towards himself for putting Jensen in this kind of situation, for now it’s the only thing Jared can do.
“Did you…” Jensen looks like he can’t believe his ears. “Did you just say that you wanted to buy me?”
“Yes, I did.” Jared answers with no hesitation.
Jensen gapes, too speechless to say anything.
“Fuck you, Jared.” Jensen hisses, finally coherent enough to respond. “You’re totally one crazy bastard, you know that?”
“What’s wrong?” Jared taunts. “Don’t tell me you’re going to say no to my offer? I mean, you were the one who said that you don’t have any feeling whatsoever for me, weren’t you? Then just treat me like your other customers and I’m sure we won’t have a problem.”
Jensen’s eyes widened, annoyed because suddenly he realizes what this is about: Jared is actually challenging him. The bastard is testing him to see if what he said about his feelings for Jared is true.
“Buying my time for a whole month, it’s going to be so expensive.” Jensen says, desperate in his effort to make Jared forget his intention.
“You know I’m more than able to afford it, Jensen.” Jared blocks it easily.
Jensen sneers. “Even if that’s the way it is, you should know that I’m picky when it comes to my customers. And I really don’t think you’re qualified enough to be one.”
“Really?” Jared raises his eyebrows. “I’m sorry but I find myself doubting that. I bet you have a long list of clients that are much worse than me, don’t you?”
Jensen narrows his eyes. “Not really. It depends on what qualification we’re talking about.”
Jared is about to say something back when suddenly the door is opened and Dr. Jennings enters the room again.
He stares at both Jensen and Jared, probably realizing the tense atmosphere hanging in the air. “Is everything okay?”
“We’re fine, doctor. Just… we’re in the middle of talking about some family matters.” Jared assures the doctor with a smile, seeing from the corner of his eyes that Jensen only grits his teeth at his words.
Dr. Jennings seems to find the answer satisfying because he nods before clearing his throat and walks towards Jensen. “Mr. Ackles, judging from the result of your examination, I can see that your body is recovering pretty fast. Therefore, I think I can give you a permission to leave the hospital today.”
Jensen’s face brightens up at hearing that. He has been starting to get fed up with this room, the ridiculous hospital gown they made him wear, this stupid bed, and the fact that Jared is here with him and stealing his breath just by his existence. He misses his secluded and private apartment. “Oh, that’s great.” Jensen says cheerfully. “Then can I leave right this afternoon?”
Dr. Jennings smiles at Jensen’s excitement. “Sure, as soon as you both are ready, I’ll come and give you a final check up. I’ll also give you some prescriptions that you need to take regularly during your healing period. Jared-sshi can contact the administration office for you and after he’s done taking care of your bills and buying your meds, both of you can leave this hospital.”
Jensen frowns. “Wait a minute, doctor. I think you misunderstand.” Jensen points at Jared and says, “I’m not leaving with him.”
Dr. Jennings looks confused. “Oh? You’re not? But Mr. Padalecki here had convinced me earlier that you’ll be taken care of well at home. Aren’t you two brothers going to live together?”
Jensen can’t believe what he had heard. So that is what Jared and the doctor were talking about. Slowly, he turns his gaze to the still standing Jared, and glares. To Jensen’s annoyance, Jared is pretending not to see that.
“No, we’re not. And I can take care of myself, doctor.” Jensen said to the doctor, eyes filled with anger still fixed on Jared. “I will go back to my own apartment.”
“Do you have someone there who can help take care of you until you’re completely recovered?” Dr. Jennings asks Jensen.
“Huh?” Jensen blinks. “No, I live alone.”
Dr. Jennings’s kind smile suddenly disappears at hearing that. “Well, then. I’m sorry but if that’s so then I have to tell you that won’t do. Even though I said your health is getting better, you can’t be alone until you’re completely well. Some of the wounds on your body are still fresh and they need extra care, and since most of the meds I’ll give you have sedative effects, I don’t think you can treat it by yourself.”
Jensen helplessly wants to groan. He gives Jared a hateful stare, his chin is up, showing determination. “Fine, than I’ll stay for a few more days.”
Jared says nothing. He’s been talking to the doctor; Jared knows Dr. Jennings is going to drop another bomb to Jensen’s statement. Jensen thinks he still has a way to get out of this possibility of living with Jared once again, but really, soon he’ll realize that he’s been pushed to the corner and he won’t be able to escape.
“I’m sorry, Mr. Ackles. But I think you wouldn’t want that either.” Dr. Jennings clears his throat, giving Jensen a regretful look. “You see, I have no choice but to ask you leave this hospital today. Like I said before, it has been a normal protocol for doctors to report such cases as yours to the police. But I understand that no one in this room would have wanted that, would we? Considering what you do for living, I’m sure police interference would only bring more trouble for you. Trust me, I know. It’s not my first time dealing with patients who work as a hustler. They ended up getting more hard times when the police came in to join the crowd and I felt bad for them. That’s why I decide to be lenient on you. But I can’t keep hiding this from my colleagues. Sooner or later someone will find out. So I’m telling you that if you insist on staying here, even for just one more day, then I will have to contact the authorities.”
Jensen is really annoyed now.
What the hell?
Suddenly, through the speaker placed on the hospital hall outside, three of them can hear a woman’s voice, announcing that Dr. Jennings is needed in ICU STAT.
“Ah, duty calls. You two can talk about this alone and when you have your decision, please let me know. If I’m not in my office by then, please just wait, okay?” The doctor says and then walks out of the door in a hurry.
As soon as the door is shut closed, Jensen turns his attention on Jared.
“Okay, what was that?” Jensen asks, his tone is angry and demanding. “Don’t tell me you had nothing to do with it.”
Jared tries hard to act innocent and keep his excitement hidden. “I really didn’t have anything to do with it, Jensen.” Jared speaks the half truth.
Well, he indeed has done some small things to make the situation spiraling into this. But the rest of it comes out just naturally.
Actually, at first Jared was unable to come up with any plan whatsoever. He was just too unsure and afraid to figure out one. But then Jensen fainted and things were starting to roll into unexpected ways, and that’s when this plan popped inside his head.
It’s obvious that he still can’t persuade Jensen to come back home with him after he apologized and cleared things up. Not even after confessing his love to him. But at the moment Jensen is left with no choice but to accept Jared’s earlier offer. Telling Jensen that he’ll pay Jensen to come home is just Jared’s way to make it easier and less stressful for Jensen’s already battered mind.
Now that he thinks about it, the way this complicated situation turns out to be such a big help for him is perhaps one of God’s way of telling him that he can still have one more chance. And he has every full intention to make a good use of it.
“I don’t believe this.” Jensen groans.
The despair Jared hears in Jensen’s words wears off his excitement. Jared dares himself to step forward. “Please, Jensen. Don’t make things get more difficult on both of us. I believe this is the only win-win solution we have. I want to spend more time with you so I can try to make you see how sincere and sorry I am. But we both know that you won’t want to do it just like that. So now I’m offering you a reason that is totally unsentimental so you can at least put yourself at ease while you’re doing it. You seem so eager to get rid of me. But the way I see it, it’s either you give me a chance and the time I need to prove to you that I’ve changed, or you will never get your peace because I can guarantee I’ll keep showing up in front of you until you cave in.” Jared grips the side of Jensen’s bed, letting Jensen see how determined and serious he is when he continues, “I meant it when I said that no matter how long it will take, I’ll never give up. So just consider my offer, will you? If by the end of that one month you still can’t find a place for me in your heart, then you can leave with your money and I promise I won’t ever bother you again.”
Jensen shakes his head, frustrated. “Can’t you see that it’s useless?”
“I have to believe it’ll be otherwise.” Jared perseveres.
Hearing that, Jensen’s gaze is a defeated one as he looks at Jared for a long time.
“Why are you doing this to me?” Jensen asks with bitter voice, and Jared can see his hands are gripping the already rumpled sheet tightly.
Jared gulps down. He turns his gaze onto the floor, unable to bear the sight in front of him. Jensen looking at him like that, he can’t help but feel saddened. But there’s just no way he will back down now.
“I’m sorry. Even after all of this, you’re still the one who has to bear the most sadness.” Hoarsely, Jared tells Jensen in the end before lifting his face and looks right into Jensen’s eyes. “But I need you to give me this last chance.”
Jensen is silent for a moment.
“Fine, I’ll take your offer.” Jensen finally says and his jaw is tightened. “However, before you start being delusional, let me remind you that starting from this second, you’re just my client and I’m just your whore. That’ll be it. And I’ll tell you what is going to happen between us once we go back. You can fuck me whenever and wherever you want to. With some extra money on the bill; I’ll even let you cum inside my mouth.” Jensen ignores Jared’s cringing at his blunt words and instead continues on talking with gritted teeth. “You can do almost everything to me. Hell, you’re paying so that’s how it should be. But don’t expect me to have any expectations, Jared. Don’t tell me to look forward to anything you’ll do that you think will be able to make me forget all the pain you’ve caused. You must know that every second I’ll spend with you for the next one month will be the worst moments in my life and nothing can ever change that. Even if it’s the last thing I do, I won’t let myself fall for you again.”
Jared says nothing to that. It’s useless anyway because starting at this point; he realizes actions will work better for both of them instead of words.
Walking away from Jensen, Jared prays silently that somehow, before his time runs out, a miracle will happen between the two of them and they’ll finally be able to reach their happiness.
“I’ll go and tell the doctor that we’ve reached a decision.” Jared says and Jensen is just watching him silently, lost inside his own thought as the older man disappears behind the door.
TBC
PS: Okay, I'll be honest. For the next two weeks I have to study intensively for my Master Degree Entrance test. So Idk when I will be able to update new chapter... T____________T
I'll try to steal some writing times in between, and comments always make me motivated. XD
Please e patient and stay awesome as you are, okay, BBs?
Oh, and wish me luck on my test next month, please? ^_______^