gulp.
Title: Ten Months.
Author: bitchandjerk
Characters: Dean/OFC, Sam/Dean Ellen
Rating :R for language
Words: 8400
Warnings:Wincest
Summary: Sam disappears after a fight and Dean finds him ten month's later in a hospital. Dean has to work to put their relationship back together while dealing with a major change in their lives.
Notes:: I originally tried to work this into my Samcakes story but it just wouldn't happen. It kept bugging me until I wrote it down, so here it is.
Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters.
Feedback: Makes me hard.
He fucked her in the alley behind the bar. It didn’t mean anything, he just had to be sure. She was panting and moaning with her skirt hiked up around her waist. Dean just wanted it to be over. As soon as he slid inside of her, he knew it was wrong. This isn’t what he wanted. It didn’t feel right. Everything he wanted was waiting back at the motel.
Sam didn’t want to get a beer so he stayed behind flipping through the channels and telling him to have fun. He trusted him, and the first thing he did was find the first woman who looked at him and fucked her.
All he could do to get it over with was to imagine Sam in that alley with him, with his breath against his neck. Not some bartender whose name he couldn’t even remember. It was Jamie or Jenny, something with a J. All he knew was that she wasn’t Sam, no one could ever be Sam.
He felt worse when it was over, awkwardly pulling out and quickly stuffing himself back into his pants.
“That was nice.” She said, smoothing out her skirt.
He didn’t want her to talk to him, didn’t want to hear her voice. She wasn’t Sam.
“Yeah.” He said. “Thanks.”
It wasn’t nice. There was nothing nice about fucking someone you didn’t even know in a filthy alley next to garbage cans. There used to be some pleasure in it for him. There was a thrill until there was Sam, and everything else faded away.
“Can I get your number?”
“Sure.” Dean said.
He gave it to her hoping she had enough sense not to call. He didn’t want anything from her, she was only an experiment he needed to conduct to convince himself that Sam was the only one he needed. He was right. Sam was the only person who ever really loved him and accepted him for who he was. He never had to lie or put up a front, he could just be himself.
He hadn’t told Sam what he was planning on doing. He went to the bar with it in the back of his head, he didn’t think about it until she started leaning in when bringing him a beer and smiling at him.
He felt sick driving back to the motel. Sam would have to know, he owed him that much. They loved each other, they were family. Everything would be fine.
Sam was sitting in bed reading when he got back. He was always reading, always trying to better himself, despite the fact that Dean told him everyday it was an impossible task. He was already perfect.
“Hey.” He said, looking up from his book and smiling.
He was smiling now, but how long until he was yelling? Would he understand it if Dean could make himself speak clearly and explain it?
“Hi.”
“Did you have fun?” Sam asked, setting his book down.
It wasn’t fun. It was nauseating and disgusting. He was disgusting. “I fucked the bartender.”
Sam looked at him still smiling. “Funny.”
He could leave it at that, if Sam ever found out he could tell him that he had told him. He had been honest.
“Sammy, I fucked the bartender.” He said again. “I had to.”
“You’re serious?” Sam asked standing.
“Yes.”
Dean couldn’t look at him, he couldn’t see that he was responsible for that broken look all over Sam’s face.
“You had to?”
“I had to be sure.”
“Of what?” Sam yelled. “What did you have to be sure of?”
There it was, the yelling. He was loud, he was angry and it tore right through Dean.
“I needed to be with a woman so I would know I only wanted to be with you.”
“Jesus.” Sam said turning away from him.
Dean knew what that was. It was Sam’s standard procedure to hide his real emotions. Turning away so Dean couldn’t see him break down.
“I’m sorry.”
“You’re sorry?” Sam said with his back to him. “That’s great Dean, that makes it all better.”
“It didn’t mean anything.”
Sam spun back around “To you. It didn’t mean anything to you.”
He wanted to hold him and let him sob in his arms until everything was alright. Sam wouldn’t let that happen. Sam wouldn’t let him touch him for weeks.
“I’m sorry.” Dean said again.
“You already fucking said that!” Sam yelled. “You tell me you love me, you fuck me, does that mean anything to you?”
“You know it does.” Dean said quietly.
He wasn’t good at things like this. There wasn’t anything built into him to cope with things like this, he hadn’t been taught how to deal.
“Fuck you.” Sam said.
Dean watched as he rushed around the room, grabbing for his jacket and his wallet.
“Don’t leave Sammy.”
Sam stopped at the door and turned around. “Don’t call me that.”
“Sam, please.”
“No.” Sam said shaking his head. “This was a mistake.”
“Don’t say that.”
“Why not?” Sam asked. “You should be happy. You’re only losing a brother, I’m losing a hell of a lot more.”
The door slammed behind him, rattling the cheap paintings on the walls. He just needed time. Dean kept telling himself that he just needed time. He’d come back and they’d be able to talk everything over rationally and everything would be okay.
He only came back once, while Dean was out looking for him. Dean made it back from another failed attempt to find him and all his bags were gone, like he had never been there at all.
He wouldn’t answer Dean’s calls, everyone went straight to voicemail after playing a message that sounded like the happy carefree Sam he remembered. The first few months he’d leave messages saying how sorry he was and how he wanted his brother back. Sam never answered, he probably wasn’t even listening to the messages.
Dean had taught Sam well, maybe too well, he didn’t want to be found. Wherever he went, he went in so deep no one could see him anymore. He refused to admit defeat and dialed Sam’s number everyday. If he could just know he was okay, that was all he needed. The months went by and there was nothing.
No trail to follow, no leads just the aching emptiness of losing the one person who meant the world to him. Dean settled into a small duplex determined that Sam would eventually find him when he was ready. He made friends with his neighbor. She was a nice enough person who would sit back and listen as he tried to explain himself. If he had time before Sam left he might have been able to make him understand.
She offered insight into the relationship as brother’s that Dean hadn’t even considered. She offered comfort when he broke down after every phone call Sam didn’t answer.
It was ten months before he heard anything about Sam. They were sitting in the living room, having beers when his cell phone rang. He always kept it nearby praying that one of the calls would be Sam.
“Hello?”
“Hi, I’m calling from Methodist hospital.”
It wasn’t Sam. It was a woman calling him to tell him something had happened to Sam. Something had happened because of him.
“We have a patient here…”
“Sam?” Dean asked standing up.
“Sam Winchester, yes, this is the only recent call in his cell phone. Do you know him?”
“He’s my brother.” Dean said quickly. “Is he okay?”
“He will be, as far as we can tell there was an incident at a bar.”
“But he’s okay?” Dean asked again.
“He’s pretty banged up, broke a few ribs.”
“Where is he?”
Dean wrote down the directions to a hospital an hour away. Sam had been an hour away this whole time and he couldn’t find him.
“It’s Sam.” He said, grabbing his keys. “He’s in the hospital.”
“Is he okay?”
“I don’t know.” Dean said, “I need to go, can you stay?”
“Yeah.” She said, looking back to the bedroom. “Don’t worry about it.”
“There’s uh.” Dean said trying to think.
“I know, Dean it’ll be fine. Go get your brother.”
Dean walked to the bedroom standing in the doorway. “I’ve never left, you know?”
“It’ll be okay. I promise.”
Dean sighed, nothing in his life had ever been easy except for those times with Sam. He left the house with dread sitting in his stomach. He drove ignoring all the speed limit signs. Sam wouldn’t want to see him, but confined to a hospital bed he wouldn’t have much choice but to hear him out. The hour felt like ten as he parked crooked and ran into the hospital.
“Sam Winchester.” He said as soon as he saw a nurses station.
She looked down at her chart trailing the names with her fingers. “302.”
He ran, apologizing to every person her bumped into along the way until he stood at room 302. The door was closed, Sam was behind it. All this time, all the worrying were about to end.
He opened the door slowly and there he was, sleeping broken and bruised. He didn’t look the same, he was thin and pale with thick scruff covering his once smooth face.
Dean let himself break down, not caring who saw him. This was his fault. If he had been a better person, a more complete person, none of this would have happened. He lifted up a chair and carried it to the side of his bed. Even after their worst hunts Sam never looked this bad. It wasn’t just a fight in a bar, it was a broken heart.
“Please be okay.” Dean said grabbing his hand. “I need you to be okay. I’m sorry.”
“You said that already.”
Sam voice was hoarse, he spoke without opening his eyes. Dean watched as his head rolled to the side. His left eye was swollen shut but as his right eye slowly opened Dean saw it was the only part of him that still looked like his brother.
“What are you doing here?”
“They found your cell phone and called me.”
Sam forced a weak laugh. “I missed you.”
“Me too.”
“I must really look like shit if you’re crying.”
Dean looked up at him through blurred vision. “I thought you were dead. I called everyday.”
“I know.” Sam said coughing. “I’m sorry.”
Dean got up to find a glass to fill with water. “Don’t apologize to me.”
Sam drank slowly while Dean held his head up. “I have to. I shouldn’t have left.”
“It’s okay Sam, don’t worry about that.” Dean said. “I can’t believe you were so close this whole time.”
“I have a shitty apartment and a job in a bar where people throw peanuts at me. It’s awesome.”
Dean laughed, Sam was trying to be funny, trying to be brave. “How do you feel?”
“I’ve felt worse. I just want to get out of here.”
“I know.” Dean said. “I’ll go talk to one of the doctors.”
Dean turned to walk away when Sam grabbed his sleeve. “Wait.”
“What?”
“Don’t go yet.” Sam said. “What have you been doing?”
This wasn’t the time or the place to tell Sam the truth, not when they were finally able to speak to each other.
“I rented a little house, just looking for you.”
“No jobs?”
“Just one big one.” Dean said. “Good thing you got your ass kicked.”
“You should see the other guy.” Sam said, while attempting something that looked like a smile.
After a few minutes of arguing the doctor agreed to release Sam, provided he had someone to help him out for the next few weeks. Sam was strong, he didn’t need to be in a hospital where he was treated like some sick person. They had both been worse off and managed to survive.
“You want me to drive?” Sam asked as held on to Dean’s shoulders.
“Maybe some other time.” Dean said helping him into the car.
“It’s been a while since I’ve been in this car.” Sam said once they were on the road.
Dean insisted that Sam come home with him for at least a few days. He hoped that once they were together under the same roof that Sam wouldn’t want to leave and things could go back to the way they were before he had fucked everything up.
“My neighbor Susan is pretty cool.” Dean said.
“Yeah? Are you dating?”
“No.” Dean said quickly. “I haven’t, not since…”
“That night?” Sam asked.
“Yeah.”
This was probably the time to come clean and tell Sam the truth, it was either doing it here or letting Sam find out for himself when they got back to the house.
“I need to tell you something.”
“Don’t.” Sam said. “Whatever it is, it’s okay.”
“Anything?” Dean asked.
“I forgive you.” Sam said looking out the window.
“You do?”
“Yeah.” Sam said. “I understand why you did it. I shouldn’t have left, all that did was remind me everyday that I didn’t have anyone.”
“You’ll always have me Sam, nothing could change that.”
“I know that, now.”
“Do you want to tell me what happened?”
“Nothing happened.” Sam said turning back to him. “Some idiots started throwing punches and I got stuck in the middle of it.”
“I was worried you’d been picking fights.”
Sam laughed. “Not usually. I keep to myself and pick up glasses. I don’t talk to anyone unless I need to.”
“Do you like it?”
“Yeah.” Sam said sarcastically. “It’s what most people who had scholarships to Stanford hope to do one day.”
“You can stay with me. You don’t have to do that anymore.”
“Dean.”
“No, I mean you know, just until you get back on your feet.”
Sam nodded. “So you can tell? Do I look that bad?”
“Well, I can see past the bumps and bruises.”
“I lost a lot of weight, it sucks when you have to pick between eating and paying the rent.”
“You can eat all you want when we get to my house. I have frozen pizzas.”
“When did you get so responsible?”
Again, the perfect time to tell Sam the truth, but he didn’t want to know.
“Sometimes things just happen that make us grow up.”
That was good enough. Dean knew Sam, he might have had a problem with him fucking around, but he wouldn’t have a problem with his real responsibility.
“We might not ever have what we did, Dean.”
“I know.” Dean said. “I just want my brother back. I don’t expect anything else.”
“Okay.”
They drove the rest of the way occasionally commenting on the scenery until Dean pulled up in the driveway and braced himself for finally having Sam back in his life.
“This is it.” Dean said, helping him out of the car.
“It’s nice.” Sam said. “I like the neighborhood.”
“Yeah.” Dean said. “It’s a lot of older people.”
“So it’s quiet?”
“Yeah.” Dean said. “Most of the time.”
Susan was on the sofa thumbing through one of Dean’s car magazines when they opened the door. Sam wasn’t expecting anyone else to be there as Dean helped him into the room and sat him down in a chair.
“This is Susan.” Dean said. “My brother Sam.”
“I’ve heard so much about you.” She said standing to shake his hand.
“It’s nice to meet you.”
Dean disappeared into the bedroom for a second before coming back out. “Everything okay?”
“Everything’s fine.” She said. “I’ve got to get home, it was nice to meet you Sam.”
“You too.” Sam said as she left. “She’s nice.”
“Yeah.” Dean said. “She’s a big help.”
“With what?” Sam asked.
“God, I wish you had let me talk to you about this in the car.”
“About what?”
Dean sighed, he didn’t know what to say. The best bet was to just come out with it, literally. He walked into the bedroom and emerged a second later, his son in his arms.
“This is Mikey.”
“Holy shit.” Sam said, staring at him. “Is that yours?”
“Yep.” Dean said sitting on the coffee table across from Sam. “Michael.”
“Hi.” Sam said unable to stop staring.
“That’s your uncle Sam.” He told the baby. “From the stories.”
“What stories?”
“Bedtime stories.” Dean said. “Sam and Dean save the world. Sam and Dean save the girl. Sam saves Dean.”
“How did this happen?”
Dean sighed. “That night. She didn’t call me until after he was born.”
“What happened?” Sam asked.
“She needed me to sign some papers to give him up, I couldn’t do that.” Dean turned back down to stare at Mikey. “So I took him home with me.”
“What happened to her?”
Dean looked sad for a minute before holding his hands over Mikey’s ears. “She just left, I don’t know what happened to her.”
“I’m shocked.” Sam said. “I really don’t know what to say.”
“I am too, still.” Dean said laughing. “Susan helps out a lot.”
“He looks a lot like you.”
“Yes.” Dean said holding him up. “He’s so handsome.”
Sam smiled. Even at his best Dean never looked as happy as he did right now.
“Do you want to hold him?”
“No.” Sam said. “I’m dirty.”
“You can take a shower, I’ll put that pizza in the oven.” Dean said. “And you want something to eat, don’t you? You always want to eat.”
“Does he eat a lot?” Sam asked.
“All the time.” Dean said standing. “The bathroom is in the bedroom, you can take what you want out of the closet.”
Dean followed him into the bedroom to put Mikey back down into his crib.
“I’ll be right back.” Dean told him. “I think I have a pair of sweatpants in there somewhere.”
“Thanks.”
With Sam and the baby situated Dean quickly slid the pizza into the oven before grabbing a bottle out of the refrigerator. Sam hadn’t reacted at all like he thought he would. He just accepted that this was his life now.
Dean was so focused on feeding the baby that he didn’t hear the shower stop. Sam dried off slowly before stepping into the worn sweatpants and walking out into the bedroom. Dean was sitting on the sofa with bottle and baby in hand.
“That’s uncle Sammy.” He told him. “He’s the best thing about me.”
Sam stood behind the sofa silently, feeling terrible for eavesdropping but desperate to hear what Dean was saying.
“One time we got into a big fight and I was so sad, but now he’s back and if we’re both really nice to him he might stay. I make mistakes sometimes, you should know that, I’m not perfect.”
Say something, Sam thought, say anything, let him know you’re here and leaving was the worst thing you’ve ever done. He couldn’t say anything, he couldn’t even move as his wet hair dripped down his bare back.
“Once upon a time I was perfect. It was me and uncle Sammy and there wasn’t anything else. If were lucky it can be me and you and uncle Sammy.”
“Dean.” Sam said once he couldn’t take it anymore.
Dean turned around and quickly wiped at his eyes. “Hey, how was your shower?”
“I heard you.”
Dean turned back around. “I just tell him stories before bed.”
“They’re good stories.”
“Yeah.” Dean said. “You’re clean now, if you want to hold him.”
“I don’t really know how.” Sam said, walking to sit next to him.
“Just like this.” Dean said, making sure Sam saw. “Just support his melon head.”
Sam laughed as Dean handed him over. “He does have a big head.”
“So did you. There you go, you’re fine.”
“Hi.” Sam said, not caring about the pressure holding him was putting on his ribs.
“He likes you.”
“Does he?” Sam asked.
“Yeah.” Dean said pointing. “You see that little thing he does with his mouth?”
Sam looked down, he could swear the baby had that same smirk Dean always got when he was up to no good. A buzzer in the kitchen went off and Dean got up to take the pizza out of the oven.
“Don’t just walk away like that.” Sam said panicked.
“Are you going to drop him?” Dean asked.
“No, of course not.”
“Then you’ll be fine.” Dean said. “Just tell him a story, nothing naughty.”
Sam laughed looking down at him. “Well, one time I was perfect too.”
Dean stopped in the middle of the kitchen as soon as he heard him. Sam looked up at him while he kept talking.
“And I let it go because I was scared.” Sam said. “I didn’t know that where I went was scarier than anything else. I’d stay awake at night and just wish I could go back and fix everything. I couldn’t sleep and I couldn’t eat and I didn’t have anything except my memories to hold on to.”
Sam started to cry, not caring that he couldn’t turn away and hide it, he kept his eyes fixed on Dean. “And I just want that back.”
“Me too.” Dean said from the kitchen.
“I’m crying on your kid.” Sam said with a laugh.
“It’s okay.” Dean said walking back to him. “I’ve cried on him more than he’s cried on me.”
Sam smiled, half hating himself for being the cause of Dean’s pain.
“Why did you pick Michael?”
“That was almost your name, and I can call him Mikey.” Dean said. “Do you like your uncle Sam?”
“Sammy.” Sam said. “Uncle Sammy.”
“Sammy.” Dean said remembering the last time he called him that.
“He’s falling asleep.” Sam said.
“I’ll go put him down for the night.” Dean said taking him from Sam. “Sleeping and eating are his favorite things.”
“Mine too.”
“I took the pizza out, go eat, I’ll be there in a second.”
Sam was impressed with Dean’s house, in a few months he had become a responsible adult. The kitchen was clean and neatly organized but he still couldn’t find anything to cut the pizza with.
“Next to the sink.” Dean said when he noticed him looking around.
Sam opened the drawer and pulled out a huge pizza wheel. “I can’t believe you have one of these.”
“All I eat is pizza.” Dean said. “I’ll cut it, you can sit down.”
“Okay.” Sam said, slowly settling onto the kitchen chair. “He kind of kicked me a little.”
“Are you okay?”
“Yeah, I will be, after a few nights on the sofa.”
“You’re not sleeping on the sofa.” Dean said handing him a plate. “You can sleep in the bed.”
“Are you going to kick me too?”
“Not unless you give me a reason too.” Dean said sitting down.
“Does he usually sleep through the night?”
“Yeah.” Dean said, taking a bite of the pizza. “He never cries.”
“How do you know what to do?” Sam asked.
“I got some books. How to not be a crappy father or something like that, parenting for dummies.”
Sam laughed, knowing that if Dean saw those books he’d probably end up buying them.
“He’s so cute.”
“I know.” Dean said. “I like his feet.”
“I’ll stay if you want me to.”
Sam said it out of nowhere. Dean hadn’t wanted to ask, he was glad Sam volunteered.
“I do.” Dean said. “I never wanted you to leave.”
“Then we do what we do best, pretend like it never happened.”
“Can we do that?”
“I can.” Sam said. “I’d be completely content pretending the last 10 months didn’t happen.”
“I missed you so fucking much Sammy.”
“Me too.” Sam said. “We can go to my apartment and get my stuff.”
“Oh.” Dean said. “I’ll go, you can stay here with Mikey.”
“What’s wrong?”
“I just haven’t taken him out anywhere yet.” Dean said. “Tonight was the first time I left him.”
“Are you scared?”
“No.” Dean said shaking his head. “It’s just like he’s mine, you know. I just want that for a little longer.”
“I know.” Sam said smiling.
“Ours, for a little while longer.” Dean said. “He needs two parents.”
“Is that what you want?”
“Since I took him home, that’s what I wanted.”
“What are you going to tell him when he’s older?”
“We” Dean corrected him. “We’re going to tell him that all families are different and that’s what makes his special.”
“From a book?” Sam asked.
“Yeah, I don’t say shit like that.”
Sam laughed. “I’m kind of glad I don’t have to be ‘Uncle Sam’ I don’t think I’d look good in a red white and blue top hat.”
“But you already have the beard.” Dean said. “What’s up with that?”
Sam shrugged. “I haven’t really cared about looking presentable.”
“But you look like the Unabomber.”
Sam laughed again. “I’ve already kicked one guy’s ass tonight.”
“Are we okay?” Dean asked.
“We will be.”
No matter what position he twisted himself into, Sam couldn’t get comfortable. For the first night since he left, he should be comfortable with Dean next to him but the pressure on his ribs was agonizing from any angle.
“Don’t give me a reason to kick you.” Dean said.
“Dean? I thought you were sleeping.”
“No, just watching.”
He didn’t sleep like he used to. Not in the past month at least. He’d get in bed and stare at Mikey until his body wouldn’t have it anymore. He’d stay awake for as long as he could just to make sure he was okay. Now with Sam next to him, he’d probably never sleep again.
“I give up.” Sam said, laying flat on his back.
“Did you take the pills?”
“Yeah, they’re apparently not worth shit.”
Dean looked over to the black and blue spots all over his hollow chest. “You’re so skinny.”
“I know, it’s gross.” Sam said sighing. “I’m gross.”
“Don’t say that.”
“I am.” Sam said. “I’ve been sitting in the dark for nearly a year.”
“I have a backyard, you can sit out there.” Dean said. “Get some sun, eat some tacos.”
Sam laughed. “That doesn’t sound bad.”
“I don’t know how to make tacos but I’ll get you some.”
“What have you been doing for money?” Sam asked. “You’re not working, are you?”
“I was. Just whatever I could find.”
“I have a paycheck at the bar.”
The baby made a noise and Dean shot up out of the bed to rush to his side.
“What’s wrong?” He asked, picking him up. “Uh oh.”
“What is it?” Sam asked, trying to sit up.
“Nothing.” Dean said. “He just needs to be changed.”
Dean walked across the room to set him down. Sam watched as he expertly changed his diaper like he had been doing it all his life.
“Is that better?” Dean asked. “Yeah it is.”
Dean kissed the top of his head before setting him down in bed next to Sam.
“I’ll be back.” He said. “Going to throw this out.”
“You’re just going to leave him here?”
“Yeah, don’t sell him to gypsies or anything.” Dean said walking out of the room.
Sam started down at him, completely unaware of what to do. He’d have to find Dean’s books and give himself a crash course on raising children.
“Hi.” Sam said. “I like your shirt.”
He just stared back at him with his big blue eyes.
“Not much of a talker I guess.”
“Dude.” Dean said, walking back into the room. “He doesn’t even know where he is.”
Dean settled back into bed, making sure Mikey was safe between the two of them.
“When will he talk?”
“Not anytime soon.” Dean said, playing with his feet. “He’ll just listen to us and eventually pick it up.”
“I like him.”
Dean smiled. “I’d hope so.”
“Did you ever think you’d have a kid?”
“Oh god, No.” Dean said. “I mean I’m glad I do, I just didn’t see that happening.”
“Maybe everything happened for a reason.” Sam said. “For the best.”
“You don’t have to say that Sammy.”
“I’m serious, if that hadn’t happened we wouldn’t be here right now.” Sam said. “Now we have a family.”
Dean knew that was all Sam ever wanted. A family, a normal one with the normal problems families have.
“We have everything we need.”
Once Mikey fell back asleep, Dean carefully picked him up and brought him back to his crib.
“I’m too nervous to sleep with him.” Dean said, getting back in bed. “I don’t want to roll over him.”
Sam turned on his side, finally finding a position that didn’t hurt. “You’re so good at this.”
“Not at first, that first night I was throwing up I was so scared.”
Sam laughed wishing he had been there to see that. He was doing his best, making it up as he went along. Sam didn’t think twice when he leaned in and gently kissed him. It was like the first time but now they had the wisdom of experience behind them.
“What was that for?”
“I’m too broken to do anything else.” Sam said. “And the kid is right there.”
“That’s better than anything else.” Dean said. “I missed this, just being together before bed.”
“I wasn’t with anyone else.” Sam said. “If you were wondering.”
“Oh.” Dean said. “Okay.”
Seeing Sam in the hospital bed looking so beat down and sad, he knew that he probably hadn’t been with anyone else. They had both spent the ten months apart pining away for the other. Now they were together, safe, raising a normal family.
“Time for bed.” Dean told him.
“Yeah.” Sam said. “Night Dean.”
“Night Sammy.”
Dean didn’t know if he should say it, it was too soon. They were still working to fall back into their roles, but he knew he’d never get to sleep unless he said it.
“Sam?”
“I love you too.”
“How’d you know?”
Sam tapped his forehead. “Brain freak.”
“Really?” Dean asked, worried that Sam would be reading his mind.
Sam smiled keeping his eyes closed. “No, I just know you.”
“I do love you.”
“I know.”
Dean leaned over and pressed his lips against Sam’s forehead. This was all he needed, falling asleep with both of his boys.
Dean woke up before either of them. Sam had eventually fallen asleep twisted in half and he wanted to keep him sleeping for as long as possible. Mikey just started to stir when Dean reached down to pick him up.
“You hungry?” He whispered, walking out of the room on his toes. “Let’s get some of the good stuff.”
He fixed him a bottle and sat down on the sofa to feed him.
“You hear what Sammy said last night? He likes you.” Dean said, watching him drain the bottle. “I like you too!”
Dean reached over trying to support the bottle on his chest to grab his cell phone. He had promised to call Ellen as soon as he found Sam. It was too late to call last night and he had other things on his mind. He dropped the phone twice before getting her number dialed and propping the phone against his shoulder.
“I’m a multitasker.” He told Mikey.
“Hello?”
“Hey Ellen, its Dean.”
“Did you find him?” She asked quickly.
“Yeah, he’s here now, sleeping.”
“Well is he okay? Where was he?”
“He’s fine.” Dean said, trying to get more comfortable. “He’s a little beat up but he’s fine. He was about an hour away.”
“You’re shitting me.”
“He was working in a bar and some idiots started fighting and he got stuck in the middle of it.”
“We looked everywhere.” She said. “He’s good.”
Dean looked down to see the bottle drain.
“You’re a good boy!”
“Sam is?” Ellen asked.
Dean hadn’t told Ellen about the baby. He couldn’t tell anyone before he told Sam.
“Uh.” Dean said. “I was talking to the baby.”
“What baby?”
“I kind of have a kid.”
“How do you kind of have a kid?” She asked.
“Okay, I have a kid.”
“I’m about a half hour away.” She said. “I’m coming over.”
“Okay.” Dean said.
“I’ll see you then.”
“Oh,” Dean said. “Pick up some doughnuts?”
She grumbled something he couldn’t understand before hanging up. Dean was glad she hung up. He moved his head to the side and let the cell phone drop to the sofa. She had come over once after he moved in so they could search for Sam together. He wasn’t having any luck and figured two heads were better than one.
“We need to get you ready.” Dean said. “Crazy Ellen is coming to see you.”
“You shouldn’t call her that.” Sam said, coming out of the bedroom, scratching at his head.
“Hey, did you sleep enough?”
“No.” Sam said. “I’m too hungry to sleep anymore.”
“Ellen is bringing doughnuts.” Dean said. “She’ll be here soon.”
“Why is she coming?”
“I called to tell her I found you.” Dean said. “We were looking for you.”
“Does she know why I left?” Sam asked sitting down on the sofa.
“No.” Dean said, handing him the baby. “Hold this.”
“Well good morning.” Sam said.
“I told her we had an argument.” Dean said. “She didn’t ask any questions.”
Dean started making coffee occasionally turning to see Sam with Mikey. They looked good together.
“You didn’t tell her about him?”
“No.” Dean said. “I wanted to tell you first.”
“She’s going to flip out.” Sam said.
“Because you are so awesome” Dean told Mikey. “Let’s put on your party outfit.”
“This I’ve got to see.” Sam said, handing him over, and following them into the bedroom.
Dean set him down in the crib before opening the dresser. Sam stood back shocked at all the perfectly folded tiny clothes.
“What color?” Dean asked.
“I thought he had an outfit.”
“These are all his party clothes.” Dean said. “We party all the time.”
Sam smiled. “I like the red one.”
“Red it is.” Dean said grabbing it. “As soon as I get him dressed he’s going to crap himself.”
Luckily, he needed to be changed before Dean even had a chance to dress him. He cleaned him up quickly before getting him all dressed and ready for company.
“Can you grab me some socks?”
“Where are they?” Sam asked.
“Under the clothes.” Dean said pointing.
Sam slid open the drawer and there they were, more perfectly rolled tiny white socks.
“You’re so organized.” Sam said.
“It’s weird isn’t it?” Dean asked, grabbing the socks. “Thanks.”
“No, it’s cute. I’m going to fix us some coffee.”
“Okay.” Dean said. “I hate covering up these feet.”
Sam laughed and walked to the kitchen. Dean was an amazing father, much better than he would probably be. Dean walked out a minute later carrying Mikey in one arm and something Sam didn’t recognize in the other one.
“What is it?” He asked while pouring cups of coffee.
“This is Mikey’s bouncy seat. He loves it.”
Dean crossed the room, still holding onto him. “It just vibrates and makes happy babies.”
“So you just kind of strap him in?”
“Pretty much.” Dean said. “The book said I needed it, but I just carry him around most of the time.”
Sam smiled. “You’re so funny.”
“What?” Dean asked sipping at his coffee.
“You’re just funny, I like it.”
“Oh yeah?”
“Yes.” Sam said, leaning in to kiss him and then Mikey. “I need to get dressed before she gets here.”
“Just take whatever, I’ll go get your stuff eventually.”
“Okay.” Sam said, walking back into the bedroom.
“You can’t have coffee.” Dean told him. “Not until you’re twelve. We’ll stunt your growth so you don’t get taller than me.”
Mikey smiled, Dean loved it when he smiled. It was like he actually understood what he was saying to him. Their days were always the same. They’d get up and have breakfast and then get changed. While he napped, Dean would make a frantic rush for the shower. Susan had been doing grocery runs for him. It would be easier now that Sam was back. One of them could stay home and eventually all three of them could go out.
“I know you want to get in there.” Dean said looking at the seat in the middle of the living room. “But as soon as I get you in, Ellen is going to show up and want to kiss those fat cheeks.”
Sam walked out of the bedroom laughing. He had on one of Dean’s sweatshirts, that still looked too small on him.
“Do you always talk to him?”
“Of course.” Dean said. “Can you hold him while I change?”
“Yeah.” Sam said holding out his arms. “I think I can do that.”
Dean handed him over slowly, he was normally nervous about Susan holding him, but he wasn’t with Sam, he trusted him completely.
“Talk to him.” Dean said walking to the bedroom.
“You can’t have coffee until you’re in college.”
“Hey!” Dean yelled from the bedroom. “I heard that.”
“We’ll get you into the best college ever.” Sam said.
Sam looked up when he heard a knock on the door.
“It’s Ellen.” Dean yelled. “You can let her in.”
Sam sighed, wishing he didn’t have to answer the door and face her. He couldn’t explain himself. Not to her at least.
He walked slowly to the door terrified of falling over and unlocked it. He took a deep breath before pulling it open.
“Sam Winchester.” She said.
“I know.” Sam said. “I’m sorry.”
“You’re lucky you’re holding that baby.”
That was it, Sam thought, he’d just always have to hold the baby and people would forget that he disappeared for ten months.
“This is Michael.” Sam said.
“If he isn’t the cutest thing I’ve ever seen.”
“Of course he is.” Dean said. “Come in.”
“Oh, sorry.” Sam said. “Come on in.”
“I’ll trade you baby for doughnuts.” She said holding up the box.
Sam looked at Dean waiting for some sign that it was okay.
“Deal.” Dean said grabbing the box from her. “Just watch his head.”
She laughed. “I’ve done this once or twice before.”
Sam handed him over, making sure he was safe in her arms before exhaling. He felt empty without him in his arms. He couldn’t imagine how Dean felt leaving him alone to drive to the hospital.
“I called Jo, she couldn’t believe it.” She said. “I still don’t believe it.”
“Join the club.” Sam said.
“And you.” Ellen said, turning to him. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah.” Sam said looking back at Dean. “I am, now.”
“Good.” She said. “You two need to stick together.”
“We will.” Dean said walking to her side. “I’m afraid I’m gonna need that back now.”
“Already?”
“Sadly yes. I promised him time in the chair. Don’t make me a bad father.”
Ellen frowned as she handed him over. Sam could only laugh.
“He’s a little strange.” Sam whispered.
Ellen just looked at him while Dean strapped Mikey in. He started smiling as soon as Dean flicked the switch and the chair buzzed to life.
“Ha!” Dean said standing back. “What did I tell you?”
“He loves it.” Sam said walking to his side. “You were right.”
“I usually am.” Dean said walking back to the kitchen. “Let’s eat.”
It was the little things that Sam noticed. Normally Dean would have torn into a box of doughnuts so quick he’d barely be able to get one. Now the box was opened in the middle of the table with three plates set around them. Dean sat down first, making sure he could see Mikey happily vibrating in the living room. Sam laughed as Dean waved at him from the kitchen.
“So.” Ellen said grabbing a doughnut. “Where is his mother?”
Sam froze in the middle of pouring her a cup of coffee. He knew Dean wouldn’t want to talk about it but it was bound to come up eventually.
“She didn’t want him.” Dean said plainly. “So I took him home with me.”
“Where is she now?”
“I don’t know.” Dean said. “She took off.”
He looked sad, Sam didn’t like to see him like that. “He’ll be okay Dean. Lots of people grow up without moms. I turned out okay.”
“It’s not that.”
“What is it then?’ Ellen asked, she saw that look on his face too.
“She didn’t want him.” Dean said looking over at him. “How could anyone not want him?”
“Don’t worry about that.” Sam said. “You wanted him, that’s all that matters.”
“That’s right.” Ellen said. “Hell, I’m tempted to sneak out of here with him.
“He’s cute right?” Dean asked.
“He’s adorable.” She said. “You need to take him to see Bobby. He loves kids.”
“Bobby?” Sam asked. “Seriously?”
“Oh yeah.” Ellen said. “Loves them.”
Dean laughed, thinking that was really funny. “We’re not really up to traveling yet.”
“Well at least call him and let him know everything is okay.”
“I will.” Dean said.
“So are you going to take off from hunting for a while?”
“I guess so.” Sam said.
“No.” Dean said before he could finish. “We’re done. I sold most of our stuff anyway.”
“You didn’t tell me that.” Sam said.
“Lots of people stop once they have families.” Ellen said, finishing off her doughnut. “They’re not just walking alone anymore, you know?”
“Exactly.” Dean said. “I won’t risk leaving him alone.”
“Good for you.” Ellen said standing. “I’ve got to get going.”
“Already?” Sam asked. “You just got here.”
“Well, I wasn’t planning on stopping anyway, but I’m glad I did.”
She crossed the room to bend down next to Mikey, blissfully ignorant of anything except the vibrating of his chair.
“You be good.” She said. “I’ll get you something nice.”
“You don’t have to do that Ellen.” Dean said, walking over to her.
“Yes I do. That’s what people do.”
Dean smiled at her while he walked her to the door.
“Jo might call.” She said. “She hasn’t talked to either of you in a while.”
The exchanged goodbyes and watched her waving as she drove away. Sam shut the door and immediately turned to Dean.
“You sold all the weapons?”
“Not all of them.” Dean said. “I needed money.”
“So you’re just done?” Sam asked.
“Until melon head’s in college and then I’ll be too old. So yeah, we’re done.”
Just like that it was easy. A tiny little person came into their lives and they were done. Dean walked back to the kitchen while Sam just stayed standing by the front door unable to move.
“Come here.” Dean said.
Sam tried to shake off the shock of being free while he walked to the kitchen.
“Eat this.” Dean said holding up an oozing jelly doughnut.
“The last jelly doughnut?” Sam asked. “I can’t fight you for it.”
“I want you to have it.” Dean said. “How are you today?”
Sam took the doughnut from him and sat back down. Dean never gave up the last jelly doughnut. It was always the best one because you knew it was the last one. After that there were no more, just a sad empty sugar stained box.
“I’m okay.” Sam said, cutting the doughnut in half. “I’m still pretty tired.”
He picked up half of it and quickly moved it to Dean’s plate where the jelly spilled out over the side. Dean just looked down at it and smiled.
“Thanks.” He said. “You can go back to sleep. We just might join you.”
“Is that all he does?” Sam asked, turning to look at Mikey.
“No.” Dean said shaking his head. “If I unstrap him he does back flips and break dances. Of course that’s all he does.”
Sam laughed. “Well, I don’t know, I thought babies do stuff.”
“What are you talking about?” Dean said, crossing the room and picking him up. “He’s doing stuff all the time.”
“Like what?”
“Right now he’s trying to figure out how he can eat that doughnut. See he’s got that look of deep concentration.”
Sam looked at him, he was just staring off into nothing with his wide eyes.
“Oh.” Sam said. “I see it.”
“And he’s wondering who you are.”
“I am Sam.”
“Dude!” Dean said covering his ears. “He hates Dr. Seuss.”
“Seriously?”
“Yes.” Dean nodded. “He gets pissed.”
“What else?” Sam asked. “So I know.”
“He hates Dr. Seuss, being in the chair when it’s not vibrating and Metallica.” Dean said frowning.
“Oh no.” Sam said. “Not Metallica.”
“Yeah, we mostly listen to Vivaldi.” Dean said before adding. “The book told me to.”
“Where are the books?”
“Over there.” Dean said pointing across the living room.
“I’m going to read them.”
“Go for it.” Dean said. “They made me feel better.”
“After I get some sleep.”
Sam stood and took his plate to the sink to wash it off. Dean even had a soap dispenser which made Sam laugh.
“Why don’t you write down your address and I’ll go get your stuff.” Dean said. “You can stay with him.”
Sam turned around quickly. “I can’t do that alone.”
“All he’s going to do is sleep.”
“What if something happens?”
“Like what?”
“I don’t know.” Sam said. “What if he starts crying?”
“Then you pick him up and figure out what’s wrong.” Dean said calmly.
“What could be wrong?”
“He ate, so he won’t be hungry, he’ll either need to be changed or he’ll just want to be carried around.” Dean said. “You can handle this.”
Sam didn’t doubt he could keep the baby alive for a few hours but he didn’t want to face any problems alone.
“I trust you.” Dean said. “And Susan is right next door.”
“My apartment,” Sam said, looking around. “It’s pretty bad.”
“How so?”
“It’s just pretty bad.”
After making sure Mikey was asleep and Sam had everything he could need, Dean set off to drive to the place Sam called home for the past ten months. Sam scribbled down the address, saying all he needed was the duffle bags he never unpacked and the laptop hidden under the carpet in the closet.
Dean didn’t know what to expect as he drove up to the rundown building in the worst part of town. It was closer than the hospital and he hoped to make it back in two hours so Sam wouldn’t run into problems with the baby.
A woman was smiling at him as he walked up to the building, holding Sam’s apartment number in his hand.
“Want a date?”
“Excuse me?”
“Do you want a date?” She said, vulgarly sliding back her coat.
Dean looked down at his watch. “It’s ten in the morning.”
“Fuck you!” She yelled spitting at his feet.
He didn’t like this. He didn’t like the idea of Sam living in a place with hookers outside trying to drum up business. The flickering bare light bulbs in the hallway to Sam’s apartment didn’t make him feel any better, neither did the sick stale smoke smell that hung in the air.
All of that was opulent compared to the inside of the apartment. Dean checked his paper against the door number to make sure he had the right now. Sam couldn’t have lived here, no one could live here. There were empty beer bottles covering nearly ever surface and shining black bugs walking along the walls.
He had done this to Sam. He had forced him into this dank pit of despair. He could see him shivering on the broken sofa, or standing in the filthy kitchen trying to ignore the growling in his stomach.
Safe inside the walls he let himself break, dropping to his knees against the fetid stained carpet. Sam wouldn’t have even been able to escape into his own head. There was nothing here but the echoing sadness that he had caused because he couldn’t love Sam enough.
He couldn’t pretend this never happened. He could see Sam broken and empty everywhere, clutching the crushed pieces of his heart and wishing he could change the world. The past wouldn’t stay put. It would come back to bite him in the ass every time he saw Sam.
“Jesus.” He muttered into the empty room.
The bugs didn’t care for him being there, they just crawled along the walls, he stayed on his knees, watching them like they were crawling over his skin. Skipping there like Sam’s finger tips once had when they laid in bed for hours and let the world turn around them.
Dean pushed himself to his feet and crossed the room, swatting at the endless bottles in the kitchen. He screamed as they shattered falling to the ground like sparks from a cigarette tossed out the window. They didn’t fade, the stayed on the floor sparkling in the dim light.
He worked quickly grabbing at the clothes strewn around what he supposed was Sam’s bedroom. It was just a mattress, threadbare sheets and a flat pillow. It was Spartan survivalist living. Sam hadn’t been living here for ten months, he had been surviving, desperately clinging on to the life he once had. The life they once had together.
Dean ripped back the carpet in the closet to pull out the laptop Sam had hidden there for safe keeping. Dean could see him in countless motel room, staring into the screen and occasionally looking up and smiling. He was happy, safe, and healthy until Dean broke him.
Standing in the doorway he gave one last look to the apartment, scanning it for anything left. There was nothing except the slow crawl of bugs, beer bottles and the splotchy stained carpet. It might take him the rest of his life, but he would make this up to Sam. He would fix everything he broke. He would make him forget the beers he drank to numb the pain and the shadows that crawled across the walls.
He left the apartment swearing to himself to never let Sam go, no matter what it took.
Author: bitchandjerk
Characters: Dean/OFC, Sam/Dean Ellen
Rating :R for language
Words: 8400
Warnings:Wincest
Summary: Sam disappears after a fight and Dean finds him ten month's later in a hospital. Dean has to work to put their relationship back together while dealing with a major change in their lives.
Notes:: I originally tried to work this into my Samcakes story but it just wouldn't happen. It kept bugging me until I wrote it down, so here it is.
Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters.
Feedback: Makes me hard.
He fucked her in the alley behind the bar. It didn’t mean anything, he just had to be sure. She was panting and moaning with her skirt hiked up around her waist. Dean just wanted it to be over. As soon as he slid inside of her, he knew it was wrong. This isn’t what he wanted. It didn’t feel right. Everything he wanted was waiting back at the motel.
Sam didn’t want to get a beer so he stayed behind flipping through the channels and telling him to have fun. He trusted him, and the first thing he did was find the first woman who looked at him and fucked her.
All he could do to get it over with was to imagine Sam in that alley with him, with his breath against his neck. Not some bartender whose name he couldn’t even remember. It was Jamie or Jenny, something with a J. All he knew was that she wasn’t Sam, no one could ever be Sam.
He felt worse when it was over, awkwardly pulling out and quickly stuffing himself back into his pants.
“That was nice.” She said, smoothing out her skirt.
He didn’t want her to talk to him, didn’t want to hear her voice. She wasn’t Sam.
“Yeah.” He said. “Thanks.”
It wasn’t nice. There was nothing nice about fucking someone you didn’t even know in a filthy alley next to garbage cans. There used to be some pleasure in it for him. There was a thrill until there was Sam, and everything else faded away.
“Can I get your number?”
“Sure.” Dean said.
He gave it to her hoping she had enough sense not to call. He didn’t want anything from her, she was only an experiment he needed to conduct to convince himself that Sam was the only one he needed. He was right. Sam was the only person who ever really loved him and accepted him for who he was. He never had to lie or put up a front, he could just be himself.
He hadn’t told Sam what he was planning on doing. He went to the bar with it in the back of his head, he didn’t think about it until she started leaning in when bringing him a beer and smiling at him.
He felt sick driving back to the motel. Sam would have to know, he owed him that much. They loved each other, they were family. Everything would be fine.
Sam was sitting in bed reading when he got back. He was always reading, always trying to better himself, despite the fact that Dean told him everyday it was an impossible task. He was already perfect.
“Hey.” He said, looking up from his book and smiling.
He was smiling now, but how long until he was yelling? Would he understand it if Dean could make himself speak clearly and explain it?
“Hi.”
“Did you have fun?” Sam asked, setting his book down.
It wasn’t fun. It was nauseating and disgusting. He was disgusting. “I fucked the bartender.”
Sam looked at him still smiling. “Funny.”
He could leave it at that, if Sam ever found out he could tell him that he had told him. He had been honest.
“Sammy, I fucked the bartender.” He said again. “I had to.”
“You’re serious?” Sam asked standing.
“Yes.”
Dean couldn’t look at him, he couldn’t see that he was responsible for that broken look all over Sam’s face.
“You had to?”
“I had to be sure.”
“Of what?” Sam yelled. “What did you have to be sure of?”
There it was, the yelling. He was loud, he was angry and it tore right through Dean.
“I needed to be with a woman so I would know I only wanted to be with you.”
“Jesus.” Sam said turning away from him.
Dean knew what that was. It was Sam’s standard procedure to hide his real emotions. Turning away so Dean couldn’t see him break down.
“I’m sorry.”
“You’re sorry?” Sam said with his back to him. “That’s great Dean, that makes it all better.”
“It didn’t mean anything.”
Sam spun back around “To you. It didn’t mean anything to you.”
He wanted to hold him and let him sob in his arms until everything was alright. Sam wouldn’t let that happen. Sam wouldn’t let him touch him for weeks.
“I’m sorry.” Dean said again.
“You already fucking said that!” Sam yelled. “You tell me you love me, you fuck me, does that mean anything to you?”
“You know it does.” Dean said quietly.
He wasn’t good at things like this. There wasn’t anything built into him to cope with things like this, he hadn’t been taught how to deal.
“Fuck you.” Sam said.
Dean watched as he rushed around the room, grabbing for his jacket and his wallet.
“Don’t leave Sammy.”
Sam stopped at the door and turned around. “Don’t call me that.”
“Sam, please.”
“No.” Sam said shaking his head. “This was a mistake.”
“Don’t say that.”
“Why not?” Sam asked. “You should be happy. You’re only losing a brother, I’m losing a hell of a lot more.”
The door slammed behind him, rattling the cheap paintings on the walls. He just needed time. Dean kept telling himself that he just needed time. He’d come back and they’d be able to talk everything over rationally and everything would be okay.
He only came back once, while Dean was out looking for him. Dean made it back from another failed attempt to find him and all his bags were gone, like he had never been there at all.
He wouldn’t answer Dean’s calls, everyone went straight to voicemail after playing a message that sounded like the happy carefree Sam he remembered. The first few months he’d leave messages saying how sorry he was and how he wanted his brother back. Sam never answered, he probably wasn’t even listening to the messages.
Dean had taught Sam well, maybe too well, he didn’t want to be found. Wherever he went, he went in so deep no one could see him anymore. He refused to admit defeat and dialed Sam’s number everyday. If he could just know he was okay, that was all he needed. The months went by and there was nothing.
No trail to follow, no leads just the aching emptiness of losing the one person who meant the world to him. Dean settled into a small duplex determined that Sam would eventually find him when he was ready. He made friends with his neighbor. She was a nice enough person who would sit back and listen as he tried to explain himself. If he had time before Sam left he might have been able to make him understand.
She offered insight into the relationship as brother’s that Dean hadn’t even considered. She offered comfort when he broke down after every phone call Sam didn’t answer.
It was ten months before he heard anything about Sam. They were sitting in the living room, having beers when his cell phone rang. He always kept it nearby praying that one of the calls would be Sam.
“Hello?”
“Hi, I’m calling from Methodist hospital.”
It wasn’t Sam. It was a woman calling him to tell him something had happened to Sam. Something had happened because of him.
“We have a patient here…”
“Sam?” Dean asked standing up.
“Sam Winchester, yes, this is the only recent call in his cell phone. Do you know him?”
“He’s my brother.” Dean said quickly. “Is he okay?”
“He will be, as far as we can tell there was an incident at a bar.”
“But he’s okay?” Dean asked again.
“He’s pretty banged up, broke a few ribs.”
“Where is he?”
Dean wrote down the directions to a hospital an hour away. Sam had been an hour away this whole time and he couldn’t find him.
“It’s Sam.” He said, grabbing his keys. “He’s in the hospital.”
“Is he okay?”
“I don’t know.” Dean said, “I need to go, can you stay?”
“Yeah.” She said, looking back to the bedroom. “Don’t worry about it.”
“There’s uh.” Dean said trying to think.
“I know, Dean it’ll be fine. Go get your brother.”
Dean walked to the bedroom standing in the doorway. “I’ve never left, you know?”
“It’ll be okay. I promise.”
Dean sighed, nothing in his life had ever been easy except for those times with Sam. He left the house with dread sitting in his stomach. He drove ignoring all the speed limit signs. Sam wouldn’t want to see him, but confined to a hospital bed he wouldn’t have much choice but to hear him out. The hour felt like ten as he parked crooked and ran into the hospital.
“Sam Winchester.” He said as soon as he saw a nurses station.
She looked down at her chart trailing the names with her fingers. “302.”
He ran, apologizing to every person her bumped into along the way until he stood at room 302. The door was closed, Sam was behind it. All this time, all the worrying were about to end.
He opened the door slowly and there he was, sleeping broken and bruised. He didn’t look the same, he was thin and pale with thick scruff covering his once smooth face.
Dean let himself break down, not caring who saw him. This was his fault. If he had been a better person, a more complete person, none of this would have happened. He lifted up a chair and carried it to the side of his bed. Even after their worst hunts Sam never looked this bad. It wasn’t just a fight in a bar, it was a broken heart.
“Please be okay.” Dean said grabbing his hand. “I need you to be okay. I’m sorry.”
“You said that already.”
Sam voice was hoarse, he spoke without opening his eyes. Dean watched as his head rolled to the side. His left eye was swollen shut but as his right eye slowly opened Dean saw it was the only part of him that still looked like his brother.
“What are you doing here?”
“They found your cell phone and called me.”
Sam forced a weak laugh. “I missed you.”
“Me too.”
“I must really look like shit if you’re crying.”
Dean looked up at him through blurred vision. “I thought you were dead. I called everyday.”
“I know.” Sam said coughing. “I’m sorry.”
Dean got up to find a glass to fill with water. “Don’t apologize to me.”
Sam drank slowly while Dean held his head up. “I have to. I shouldn’t have left.”
“It’s okay Sam, don’t worry about that.” Dean said. “I can’t believe you were so close this whole time.”
“I have a shitty apartment and a job in a bar where people throw peanuts at me. It’s awesome.”
Dean laughed, Sam was trying to be funny, trying to be brave. “How do you feel?”
“I’ve felt worse. I just want to get out of here.”
“I know.” Dean said. “I’ll go talk to one of the doctors.”
Dean turned to walk away when Sam grabbed his sleeve. “Wait.”
“What?”
“Don’t go yet.” Sam said. “What have you been doing?”
This wasn’t the time or the place to tell Sam the truth, not when they were finally able to speak to each other.
“I rented a little house, just looking for you.”
“No jobs?”
“Just one big one.” Dean said. “Good thing you got your ass kicked.”
“You should see the other guy.” Sam said, while attempting something that looked like a smile.
After a few minutes of arguing the doctor agreed to release Sam, provided he had someone to help him out for the next few weeks. Sam was strong, he didn’t need to be in a hospital where he was treated like some sick person. They had both been worse off and managed to survive.
“You want me to drive?” Sam asked as held on to Dean’s shoulders.
“Maybe some other time.” Dean said helping him into the car.
“It’s been a while since I’ve been in this car.” Sam said once they were on the road.
Dean insisted that Sam come home with him for at least a few days. He hoped that once they were together under the same roof that Sam wouldn’t want to leave and things could go back to the way they were before he had fucked everything up.
“My neighbor Susan is pretty cool.” Dean said.
“Yeah? Are you dating?”
“No.” Dean said quickly. “I haven’t, not since…”
“That night?” Sam asked.
“Yeah.”
This was probably the time to come clean and tell Sam the truth, it was either doing it here or letting Sam find out for himself when they got back to the house.
“I need to tell you something.”
“Don’t.” Sam said. “Whatever it is, it’s okay.”
“Anything?” Dean asked.
“I forgive you.” Sam said looking out the window.
“You do?”
“Yeah.” Sam said. “I understand why you did it. I shouldn’t have left, all that did was remind me everyday that I didn’t have anyone.”
“You’ll always have me Sam, nothing could change that.”
“I know that, now.”
“Do you want to tell me what happened?”
“Nothing happened.” Sam said turning back to him. “Some idiots started throwing punches and I got stuck in the middle of it.”
“I was worried you’d been picking fights.”
Sam laughed. “Not usually. I keep to myself and pick up glasses. I don’t talk to anyone unless I need to.”
“Do you like it?”
“Yeah.” Sam said sarcastically. “It’s what most people who had scholarships to Stanford hope to do one day.”
“You can stay with me. You don’t have to do that anymore.”
“Dean.”
“No, I mean you know, just until you get back on your feet.”
Sam nodded. “So you can tell? Do I look that bad?”
“Well, I can see past the bumps and bruises.”
“I lost a lot of weight, it sucks when you have to pick between eating and paying the rent.”
“You can eat all you want when we get to my house. I have frozen pizzas.”
“When did you get so responsible?”
Again, the perfect time to tell Sam the truth, but he didn’t want to know.
“Sometimes things just happen that make us grow up.”
That was good enough. Dean knew Sam, he might have had a problem with him fucking around, but he wouldn’t have a problem with his real responsibility.
“We might not ever have what we did, Dean.”
“I know.” Dean said. “I just want my brother back. I don’t expect anything else.”
“Okay.”
They drove the rest of the way occasionally commenting on the scenery until Dean pulled up in the driveway and braced himself for finally having Sam back in his life.
“This is it.” Dean said, helping him out of the car.
“It’s nice.” Sam said. “I like the neighborhood.”
“Yeah.” Dean said. “It’s a lot of older people.”
“So it’s quiet?”
“Yeah.” Dean said. “Most of the time.”
Susan was on the sofa thumbing through one of Dean’s car magazines when they opened the door. Sam wasn’t expecting anyone else to be there as Dean helped him into the room and sat him down in a chair.
“This is Susan.” Dean said. “My brother Sam.”
“I’ve heard so much about you.” She said standing to shake his hand.
“It’s nice to meet you.”
Dean disappeared into the bedroom for a second before coming back out. “Everything okay?”
“Everything’s fine.” She said. “I’ve got to get home, it was nice to meet you Sam.”
“You too.” Sam said as she left. “She’s nice.”
“Yeah.” Dean said. “She’s a big help.”
“With what?” Sam asked.
“God, I wish you had let me talk to you about this in the car.”
“About what?”
Dean sighed, he didn’t know what to say. The best bet was to just come out with it, literally. He walked into the bedroom and emerged a second later, his son in his arms.
“This is Mikey.”
“Holy shit.” Sam said, staring at him. “Is that yours?”
“Yep.” Dean said sitting on the coffee table across from Sam. “Michael.”
“Hi.” Sam said unable to stop staring.
“That’s your uncle Sam.” He told the baby. “From the stories.”
“What stories?”
“Bedtime stories.” Dean said. “Sam and Dean save the world. Sam and Dean save the girl. Sam saves Dean.”
“How did this happen?”
Dean sighed. “That night. She didn’t call me until after he was born.”
“What happened?” Sam asked.
“She needed me to sign some papers to give him up, I couldn’t do that.” Dean turned back down to stare at Mikey. “So I took him home with me.”
“What happened to her?”
Dean looked sad for a minute before holding his hands over Mikey’s ears. “She just left, I don’t know what happened to her.”
“I’m shocked.” Sam said. “I really don’t know what to say.”
“I am too, still.” Dean said laughing. “Susan helps out a lot.”
“He looks a lot like you.”
“Yes.” Dean said holding him up. “He’s so handsome.”
Sam smiled. Even at his best Dean never looked as happy as he did right now.
“Do you want to hold him?”
“No.” Sam said. “I’m dirty.”
“You can take a shower, I’ll put that pizza in the oven.” Dean said. “And you want something to eat, don’t you? You always want to eat.”
“Does he eat a lot?” Sam asked.
“All the time.” Dean said standing. “The bathroom is in the bedroom, you can take what you want out of the closet.”
Dean followed him into the bedroom to put Mikey back down into his crib.
“I’ll be right back.” Dean told him. “I think I have a pair of sweatpants in there somewhere.”
“Thanks.”
With Sam and the baby situated Dean quickly slid the pizza into the oven before grabbing a bottle out of the refrigerator. Sam hadn’t reacted at all like he thought he would. He just accepted that this was his life now.
Dean was so focused on feeding the baby that he didn’t hear the shower stop. Sam dried off slowly before stepping into the worn sweatpants and walking out into the bedroom. Dean was sitting on the sofa with bottle and baby in hand.
“That’s uncle Sammy.” He told him. “He’s the best thing about me.”
Sam stood behind the sofa silently, feeling terrible for eavesdropping but desperate to hear what Dean was saying.
“One time we got into a big fight and I was so sad, but now he’s back and if we’re both really nice to him he might stay. I make mistakes sometimes, you should know that, I’m not perfect.”
Say something, Sam thought, say anything, let him know you’re here and leaving was the worst thing you’ve ever done. He couldn’t say anything, he couldn’t even move as his wet hair dripped down his bare back.
“Once upon a time I was perfect. It was me and uncle Sammy and there wasn’t anything else. If were lucky it can be me and you and uncle Sammy.”
“Dean.” Sam said once he couldn’t take it anymore.
Dean turned around and quickly wiped at his eyes. “Hey, how was your shower?”
“I heard you.”
Dean turned back around. “I just tell him stories before bed.”
“They’re good stories.”
“Yeah.” Dean said. “You’re clean now, if you want to hold him.”
“I don’t really know how.” Sam said, walking to sit next to him.
“Just like this.” Dean said, making sure Sam saw. “Just support his melon head.”
Sam laughed as Dean handed him over. “He does have a big head.”
“So did you. There you go, you’re fine.”
“Hi.” Sam said, not caring about the pressure holding him was putting on his ribs.
“He likes you.”
“Does he?” Sam asked.
“Yeah.” Dean said pointing. “You see that little thing he does with his mouth?”
Sam looked down, he could swear the baby had that same smirk Dean always got when he was up to no good. A buzzer in the kitchen went off and Dean got up to take the pizza out of the oven.
“Don’t just walk away like that.” Sam said panicked.
“Are you going to drop him?” Dean asked.
“No, of course not.”
“Then you’ll be fine.” Dean said. “Just tell him a story, nothing naughty.”
Sam laughed looking down at him. “Well, one time I was perfect too.”
Dean stopped in the middle of the kitchen as soon as he heard him. Sam looked up at him while he kept talking.
“And I let it go because I was scared.” Sam said. “I didn’t know that where I went was scarier than anything else. I’d stay awake at night and just wish I could go back and fix everything. I couldn’t sleep and I couldn’t eat and I didn’t have anything except my memories to hold on to.”
Sam started to cry, not caring that he couldn’t turn away and hide it, he kept his eyes fixed on Dean. “And I just want that back.”
“Me too.” Dean said from the kitchen.
“I’m crying on your kid.” Sam said with a laugh.
“It’s okay.” Dean said walking back to him. “I’ve cried on him more than he’s cried on me.”
Sam smiled, half hating himself for being the cause of Dean’s pain.
“Why did you pick Michael?”
“That was almost your name, and I can call him Mikey.” Dean said. “Do you like your uncle Sam?”
“Sammy.” Sam said. “Uncle Sammy.”
“Sammy.” Dean said remembering the last time he called him that.
“He’s falling asleep.” Sam said.
“I’ll go put him down for the night.” Dean said taking him from Sam. “Sleeping and eating are his favorite things.”
“Mine too.”
“I took the pizza out, go eat, I’ll be there in a second.”
Sam was impressed with Dean’s house, in a few months he had become a responsible adult. The kitchen was clean and neatly organized but he still couldn’t find anything to cut the pizza with.
“Next to the sink.” Dean said when he noticed him looking around.
Sam opened the drawer and pulled out a huge pizza wheel. “I can’t believe you have one of these.”
“All I eat is pizza.” Dean said. “I’ll cut it, you can sit down.”
“Okay.” Sam said, slowly settling onto the kitchen chair. “He kind of kicked me a little.”
“Are you okay?”
“Yeah, I will be, after a few nights on the sofa.”
“You’re not sleeping on the sofa.” Dean said handing him a plate. “You can sleep in the bed.”
“Are you going to kick me too?”
“Not unless you give me a reason too.” Dean said sitting down.
“Does he usually sleep through the night?”
“Yeah.” Dean said, taking a bite of the pizza. “He never cries.”
“How do you know what to do?” Sam asked.
“I got some books. How to not be a crappy father or something like that, parenting for dummies.”
Sam laughed, knowing that if Dean saw those books he’d probably end up buying them.
“He’s so cute.”
“I know.” Dean said. “I like his feet.”
“I’ll stay if you want me to.”
Sam said it out of nowhere. Dean hadn’t wanted to ask, he was glad Sam volunteered.
“I do.” Dean said. “I never wanted you to leave.”
“Then we do what we do best, pretend like it never happened.”
“Can we do that?”
“I can.” Sam said. “I’d be completely content pretending the last 10 months didn’t happen.”
“I missed you so fucking much Sammy.”
“Me too.” Sam said. “We can go to my apartment and get my stuff.”
“Oh.” Dean said. “I’ll go, you can stay here with Mikey.”
“What’s wrong?”
“I just haven’t taken him out anywhere yet.” Dean said. “Tonight was the first time I left him.”
“Are you scared?”
“No.” Dean said shaking his head. “It’s just like he’s mine, you know. I just want that for a little longer.”
“I know.” Sam said smiling.
“Ours, for a little while longer.” Dean said. “He needs two parents.”
“Is that what you want?”
“Since I took him home, that’s what I wanted.”
“What are you going to tell him when he’s older?”
“We” Dean corrected him. “We’re going to tell him that all families are different and that’s what makes his special.”
“From a book?” Sam asked.
“Yeah, I don’t say shit like that.”
Sam laughed. “I’m kind of glad I don’t have to be ‘Uncle Sam’ I don’t think I’d look good in a red white and blue top hat.”
“But you already have the beard.” Dean said. “What’s up with that?”
Sam shrugged. “I haven’t really cared about looking presentable.”
“But you look like the Unabomber.”
Sam laughed again. “I’ve already kicked one guy’s ass tonight.”
“Are we okay?” Dean asked.
“We will be.”
No matter what position he twisted himself into, Sam couldn’t get comfortable. For the first night since he left, he should be comfortable with Dean next to him but the pressure on his ribs was agonizing from any angle.
“Don’t give me a reason to kick you.” Dean said.
“Dean? I thought you were sleeping.”
“No, just watching.”
He didn’t sleep like he used to. Not in the past month at least. He’d get in bed and stare at Mikey until his body wouldn’t have it anymore. He’d stay awake for as long as he could just to make sure he was okay. Now with Sam next to him, he’d probably never sleep again.
“I give up.” Sam said, laying flat on his back.
“Did you take the pills?”
“Yeah, they’re apparently not worth shit.”
Dean looked over to the black and blue spots all over his hollow chest. “You’re so skinny.”
“I know, it’s gross.” Sam said sighing. “I’m gross.”
“Don’t say that.”
“I am.” Sam said. “I’ve been sitting in the dark for nearly a year.”
“I have a backyard, you can sit out there.” Dean said. “Get some sun, eat some tacos.”
Sam laughed. “That doesn’t sound bad.”
“I don’t know how to make tacos but I’ll get you some.”
“What have you been doing for money?” Sam asked. “You’re not working, are you?”
“I was. Just whatever I could find.”
“I have a paycheck at the bar.”
The baby made a noise and Dean shot up out of the bed to rush to his side.
“What’s wrong?” He asked, picking him up. “Uh oh.”
“What is it?” Sam asked, trying to sit up.
“Nothing.” Dean said. “He just needs to be changed.”
Dean walked across the room to set him down. Sam watched as he expertly changed his diaper like he had been doing it all his life.
“Is that better?” Dean asked. “Yeah it is.”
Dean kissed the top of his head before setting him down in bed next to Sam.
“I’ll be back.” He said. “Going to throw this out.”
“You’re just going to leave him here?”
“Yeah, don’t sell him to gypsies or anything.” Dean said walking out of the room.
Sam started down at him, completely unaware of what to do. He’d have to find Dean’s books and give himself a crash course on raising children.
“Hi.” Sam said. “I like your shirt.”
He just stared back at him with his big blue eyes.
“Not much of a talker I guess.”
“Dude.” Dean said, walking back into the room. “He doesn’t even know where he is.”
Dean settled back into bed, making sure Mikey was safe between the two of them.
“When will he talk?”
“Not anytime soon.” Dean said, playing with his feet. “He’ll just listen to us and eventually pick it up.”
“I like him.”
Dean smiled. “I’d hope so.”
“Did you ever think you’d have a kid?”
“Oh god, No.” Dean said. “I mean I’m glad I do, I just didn’t see that happening.”
“Maybe everything happened for a reason.” Sam said. “For the best.”
“You don’t have to say that Sammy.”
“I’m serious, if that hadn’t happened we wouldn’t be here right now.” Sam said. “Now we have a family.”
Dean knew that was all Sam ever wanted. A family, a normal one with the normal problems families have.
“We have everything we need.”
Once Mikey fell back asleep, Dean carefully picked him up and brought him back to his crib.
“I’m too nervous to sleep with him.” Dean said, getting back in bed. “I don’t want to roll over him.”
Sam turned on his side, finally finding a position that didn’t hurt. “You’re so good at this.”
“Not at first, that first night I was throwing up I was so scared.”
Sam laughed wishing he had been there to see that. He was doing his best, making it up as he went along. Sam didn’t think twice when he leaned in and gently kissed him. It was like the first time but now they had the wisdom of experience behind them.
“What was that for?”
“I’m too broken to do anything else.” Sam said. “And the kid is right there.”
“That’s better than anything else.” Dean said. “I missed this, just being together before bed.”
“I wasn’t with anyone else.” Sam said. “If you were wondering.”
“Oh.” Dean said. “Okay.”
Seeing Sam in the hospital bed looking so beat down and sad, he knew that he probably hadn’t been with anyone else. They had both spent the ten months apart pining away for the other. Now they were together, safe, raising a normal family.
“Time for bed.” Dean told him.
“Yeah.” Sam said. “Night Dean.”
“Night Sammy.”
Dean didn’t know if he should say it, it was too soon. They were still working to fall back into their roles, but he knew he’d never get to sleep unless he said it.
“Sam?”
“I love you too.”
“How’d you know?”
Sam tapped his forehead. “Brain freak.”
“Really?” Dean asked, worried that Sam would be reading his mind.
Sam smiled keeping his eyes closed. “No, I just know you.”
“I do love you.”
“I know.”
Dean leaned over and pressed his lips against Sam’s forehead. This was all he needed, falling asleep with both of his boys.
Dean woke up before either of them. Sam had eventually fallen asleep twisted in half and he wanted to keep him sleeping for as long as possible. Mikey just started to stir when Dean reached down to pick him up.
“You hungry?” He whispered, walking out of the room on his toes. “Let’s get some of the good stuff.”
He fixed him a bottle and sat down on the sofa to feed him.
“You hear what Sammy said last night? He likes you.” Dean said, watching him drain the bottle. “I like you too!”
Dean reached over trying to support the bottle on his chest to grab his cell phone. He had promised to call Ellen as soon as he found Sam. It was too late to call last night and he had other things on his mind. He dropped the phone twice before getting her number dialed and propping the phone against his shoulder.
“I’m a multitasker.” He told Mikey.
“Hello?”
“Hey Ellen, its Dean.”
“Did you find him?” She asked quickly.
“Yeah, he’s here now, sleeping.”
“Well is he okay? Where was he?”
“He’s fine.” Dean said, trying to get more comfortable. “He’s a little beat up but he’s fine. He was about an hour away.”
“You’re shitting me.”
“He was working in a bar and some idiots started fighting and he got stuck in the middle of it.”
“We looked everywhere.” She said. “He’s good.”
Dean looked down to see the bottle drain.
“You’re a good boy!”
“Sam is?” Ellen asked.
Dean hadn’t told Ellen about the baby. He couldn’t tell anyone before he told Sam.
“Uh.” Dean said. “I was talking to the baby.”
“What baby?”
“I kind of have a kid.”
“How do you kind of have a kid?” She asked.
“Okay, I have a kid.”
“I’m about a half hour away.” She said. “I’m coming over.”
“Okay.” Dean said.
“I’ll see you then.”
“Oh,” Dean said. “Pick up some doughnuts?”
She grumbled something he couldn’t understand before hanging up. Dean was glad she hung up. He moved his head to the side and let the cell phone drop to the sofa. She had come over once after he moved in so they could search for Sam together. He wasn’t having any luck and figured two heads were better than one.
“We need to get you ready.” Dean said. “Crazy Ellen is coming to see you.”
“You shouldn’t call her that.” Sam said, coming out of the bedroom, scratching at his head.
“Hey, did you sleep enough?”
“No.” Sam said. “I’m too hungry to sleep anymore.”
“Ellen is bringing doughnuts.” Dean said. “She’ll be here soon.”
“Why is she coming?”
“I called to tell her I found you.” Dean said. “We were looking for you.”
“Does she know why I left?” Sam asked sitting down on the sofa.
“No.” Dean said, handing him the baby. “Hold this.”
“Well good morning.” Sam said.
“I told her we had an argument.” Dean said. “She didn’t ask any questions.”
Dean started making coffee occasionally turning to see Sam with Mikey. They looked good together.
“You didn’t tell her about him?”
“No.” Dean said. “I wanted to tell you first.”
“She’s going to flip out.” Sam said.
“Because you are so awesome” Dean told Mikey. “Let’s put on your party outfit.”
“This I’ve got to see.” Sam said, handing him over, and following them into the bedroom.
Dean set him down in the crib before opening the dresser. Sam stood back shocked at all the perfectly folded tiny clothes.
“What color?” Dean asked.
“I thought he had an outfit.”
“These are all his party clothes.” Dean said. “We party all the time.”
Sam smiled. “I like the red one.”
“Red it is.” Dean said grabbing it. “As soon as I get him dressed he’s going to crap himself.”
Luckily, he needed to be changed before Dean even had a chance to dress him. He cleaned him up quickly before getting him all dressed and ready for company.
“Can you grab me some socks?”
“Where are they?” Sam asked.
“Under the clothes.” Dean said pointing.
Sam slid open the drawer and there they were, more perfectly rolled tiny white socks.
“You’re so organized.” Sam said.
“It’s weird isn’t it?” Dean asked, grabbing the socks. “Thanks.”
“No, it’s cute. I’m going to fix us some coffee.”
“Okay.” Dean said. “I hate covering up these feet.”
Sam laughed and walked to the kitchen. Dean was an amazing father, much better than he would probably be. Dean walked out a minute later carrying Mikey in one arm and something Sam didn’t recognize in the other one.
“What is it?” He asked while pouring cups of coffee.
“This is Mikey’s bouncy seat. He loves it.”
Dean crossed the room, still holding onto him. “It just vibrates and makes happy babies.”
“So you just kind of strap him in?”
“Pretty much.” Dean said. “The book said I needed it, but I just carry him around most of the time.”
Sam smiled. “You’re so funny.”
“What?” Dean asked sipping at his coffee.
“You’re just funny, I like it.”
“Oh yeah?”
“Yes.” Sam said, leaning in to kiss him and then Mikey. “I need to get dressed before she gets here.”
“Just take whatever, I’ll go get your stuff eventually.”
“Okay.” Sam said, walking back into the bedroom.
“You can’t have coffee.” Dean told him. “Not until you’re twelve. We’ll stunt your growth so you don’t get taller than me.”
Mikey smiled, Dean loved it when he smiled. It was like he actually understood what he was saying to him. Their days were always the same. They’d get up and have breakfast and then get changed. While he napped, Dean would make a frantic rush for the shower. Susan had been doing grocery runs for him. It would be easier now that Sam was back. One of them could stay home and eventually all three of them could go out.
“I know you want to get in there.” Dean said looking at the seat in the middle of the living room. “But as soon as I get you in, Ellen is going to show up and want to kiss those fat cheeks.”
Sam walked out of the bedroom laughing. He had on one of Dean’s sweatshirts, that still looked too small on him.
“Do you always talk to him?”
“Of course.” Dean said. “Can you hold him while I change?”
“Yeah.” Sam said holding out his arms. “I think I can do that.”
Dean handed him over slowly, he was normally nervous about Susan holding him, but he wasn’t with Sam, he trusted him completely.
“Talk to him.” Dean said walking to the bedroom.
“You can’t have coffee until you’re in college.”
“Hey!” Dean yelled from the bedroom. “I heard that.”
“We’ll get you into the best college ever.” Sam said.
Sam looked up when he heard a knock on the door.
“It’s Ellen.” Dean yelled. “You can let her in.”
Sam sighed, wishing he didn’t have to answer the door and face her. He couldn’t explain himself. Not to her at least.
He walked slowly to the door terrified of falling over and unlocked it. He took a deep breath before pulling it open.
“Sam Winchester.” She said.
“I know.” Sam said. “I’m sorry.”
“You’re lucky you’re holding that baby.”
That was it, Sam thought, he’d just always have to hold the baby and people would forget that he disappeared for ten months.
“This is Michael.” Sam said.
“If he isn’t the cutest thing I’ve ever seen.”
“Of course he is.” Dean said. “Come in.”
“Oh, sorry.” Sam said. “Come on in.”
“I’ll trade you baby for doughnuts.” She said holding up the box.
Sam looked at Dean waiting for some sign that it was okay.
“Deal.” Dean said grabbing the box from her. “Just watch his head.”
She laughed. “I’ve done this once or twice before.”
Sam handed him over, making sure he was safe in her arms before exhaling. He felt empty without him in his arms. He couldn’t imagine how Dean felt leaving him alone to drive to the hospital.
“I called Jo, she couldn’t believe it.” She said. “I still don’t believe it.”
“Join the club.” Sam said.
“And you.” Ellen said, turning to him. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah.” Sam said looking back at Dean. “I am, now.”
“Good.” She said. “You two need to stick together.”
“We will.” Dean said walking to her side. “I’m afraid I’m gonna need that back now.”
“Already?”
“Sadly yes. I promised him time in the chair. Don’t make me a bad father.”
Ellen frowned as she handed him over. Sam could only laugh.
“He’s a little strange.” Sam whispered.
Ellen just looked at him while Dean strapped Mikey in. He started smiling as soon as Dean flicked the switch and the chair buzzed to life.
“Ha!” Dean said standing back. “What did I tell you?”
“He loves it.” Sam said walking to his side. “You were right.”
“I usually am.” Dean said walking back to the kitchen. “Let’s eat.”
It was the little things that Sam noticed. Normally Dean would have torn into a box of doughnuts so quick he’d barely be able to get one. Now the box was opened in the middle of the table with three plates set around them. Dean sat down first, making sure he could see Mikey happily vibrating in the living room. Sam laughed as Dean waved at him from the kitchen.
“So.” Ellen said grabbing a doughnut. “Where is his mother?”
Sam froze in the middle of pouring her a cup of coffee. He knew Dean wouldn’t want to talk about it but it was bound to come up eventually.
“She didn’t want him.” Dean said plainly. “So I took him home with me.”
“Where is she now?”
“I don’t know.” Dean said. “She took off.”
He looked sad, Sam didn’t like to see him like that. “He’ll be okay Dean. Lots of people grow up without moms. I turned out okay.”
“It’s not that.”
“What is it then?’ Ellen asked, she saw that look on his face too.
“She didn’t want him.” Dean said looking over at him. “How could anyone not want him?”
“Don’t worry about that.” Sam said. “You wanted him, that’s all that matters.”
“That’s right.” Ellen said. “Hell, I’m tempted to sneak out of here with him.
“He’s cute right?” Dean asked.
“He’s adorable.” She said. “You need to take him to see Bobby. He loves kids.”
“Bobby?” Sam asked. “Seriously?”
“Oh yeah.” Ellen said. “Loves them.”
Dean laughed, thinking that was really funny. “We’re not really up to traveling yet.”
“Well at least call him and let him know everything is okay.”
“I will.” Dean said.
“So are you going to take off from hunting for a while?”
“I guess so.” Sam said.
“No.” Dean said before he could finish. “We’re done. I sold most of our stuff anyway.”
“You didn’t tell me that.” Sam said.
“Lots of people stop once they have families.” Ellen said, finishing off her doughnut. “They’re not just walking alone anymore, you know?”
“Exactly.” Dean said. “I won’t risk leaving him alone.”
“Good for you.” Ellen said standing. “I’ve got to get going.”
“Already?” Sam asked. “You just got here.”
“Well, I wasn’t planning on stopping anyway, but I’m glad I did.”
She crossed the room to bend down next to Mikey, blissfully ignorant of anything except the vibrating of his chair.
“You be good.” She said. “I’ll get you something nice.”
“You don’t have to do that Ellen.” Dean said, walking over to her.
“Yes I do. That’s what people do.”
Dean smiled at her while he walked her to the door.
“Jo might call.” She said. “She hasn’t talked to either of you in a while.”
The exchanged goodbyes and watched her waving as she drove away. Sam shut the door and immediately turned to Dean.
“You sold all the weapons?”
“Not all of them.” Dean said. “I needed money.”
“So you’re just done?” Sam asked.
“Until melon head’s in college and then I’ll be too old. So yeah, we’re done.”
Just like that it was easy. A tiny little person came into their lives and they were done. Dean walked back to the kitchen while Sam just stayed standing by the front door unable to move.
“Come here.” Dean said.
Sam tried to shake off the shock of being free while he walked to the kitchen.
“Eat this.” Dean said holding up an oozing jelly doughnut.
“The last jelly doughnut?” Sam asked. “I can’t fight you for it.”
“I want you to have it.” Dean said. “How are you today?”
Sam took the doughnut from him and sat back down. Dean never gave up the last jelly doughnut. It was always the best one because you knew it was the last one. After that there were no more, just a sad empty sugar stained box.
“I’m okay.” Sam said, cutting the doughnut in half. “I’m still pretty tired.”
He picked up half of it and quickly moved it to Dean’s plate where the jelly spilled out over the side. Dean just looked down at it and smiled.
“Thanks.” He said. “You can go back to sleep. We just might join you.”
“Is that all he does?” Sam asked, turning to look at Mikey.
“No.” Dean said shaking his head. “If I unstrap him he does back flips and break dances. Of course that’s all he does.”
Sam laughed. “Well, I don’t know, I thought babies do stuff.”
“What are you talking about?” Dean said, crossing the room and picking him up. “He’s doing stuff all the time.”
“Like what?”
“Right now he’s trying to figure out how he can eat that doughnut. See he’s got that look of deep concentration.”
Sam looked at him, he was just staring off into nothing with his wide eyes.
“Oh.” Sam said. “I see it.”
“And he’s wondering who you are.”
“I am Sam.”
“Dude!” Dean said covering his ears. “He hates Dr. Seuss.”
“Seriously?”
“Yes.” Dean nodded. “He gets pissed.”
“What else?” Sam asked. “So I know.”
“He hates Dr. Seuss, being in the chair when it’s not vibrating and Metallica.” Dean said frowning.
“Oh no.” Sam said. “Not Metallica.”
“Yeah, we mostly listen to Vivaldi.” Dean said before adding. “The book told me to.”
“Where are the books?”
“Over there.” Dean said pointing across the living room.
“I’m going to read them.”
“Go for it.” Dean said. “They made me feel better.”
“After I get some sleep.”
Sam stood and took his plate to the sink to wash it off. Dean even had a soap dispenser which made Sam laugh.
“Why don’t you write down your address and I’ll go get your stuff.” Dean said. “You can stay with him.”
Sam turned around quickly. “I can’t do that alone.”
“All he’s going to do is sleep.”
“What if something happens?”
“Like what?”
“I don’t know.” Sam said. “What if he starts crying?”
“Then you pick him up and figure out what’s wrong.” Dean said calmly.
“What could be wrong?”
“He ate, so he won’t be hungry, he’ll either need to be changed or he’ll just want to be carried around.” Dean said. “You can handle this.”
Sam didn’t doubt he could keep the baby alive for a few hours but he didn’t want to face any problems alone.
“I trust you.” Dean said. “And Susan is right next door.”
“My apartment,” Sam said, looking around. “It’s pretty bad.”
“How so?”
“It’s just pretty bad.”
After making sure Mikey was asleep and Sam had everything he could need, Dean set off to drive to the place Sam called home for the past ten months. Sam scribbled down the address, saying all he needed was the duffle bags he never unpacked and the laptop hidden under the carpet in the closet.
Dean didn’t know what to expect as he drove up to the rundown building in the worst part of town. It was closer than the hospital and he hoped to make it back in two hours so Sam wouldn’t run into problems with the baby.
A woman was smiling at him as he walked up to the building, holding Sam’s apartment number in his hand.
“Want a date?”
“Excuse me?”
“Do you want a date?” She said, vulgarly sliding back her coat.
Dean looked down at his watch. “It’s ten in the morning.”
“Fuck you!” She yelled spitting at his feet.
He didn’t like this. He didn’t like the idea of Sam living in a place with hookers outside trying to drum up business. The flickering bare light bulbs in the hallway to Sam’s apartment didn’t make him feel any better, neither did the sick stale smoke smell that hung in the air.
All of that was opulent compared to the inside of the apartment. Dean checked his paper against the door number to make sure he had the right now. Sam couldn’t have lived here, no one could live here. There were empty beer bottles covering nearly ever surface and shining black bugs walking along the walls.
He had done this to Sam. He had forced him into this dank pit of despair. He could see him shivering on the broken sofa, or standing in the filthy kitchen trying to ignore the growling in his stomach.
Safe inside the walls he let himself break, dropping to his knees against the fetid stained carpet. Sam wouldn’t have even been able to escape into his own head. There was nothing here but the echoing sadness that he had caused because he couldn’t love Sam enough.
He couldn’t pretend this never happened. He could see Sam broken and empty everywhere, clutching the crushed pieces of his heart and wishing he could change the world. The past wouldn’t stay put. It would come back to bite him in the ass every time he saw Sam.
“Jesus.” He muttered into the empty room.
The bugs didn’t care for him being there, they just crawled along the walls, he stayed on his knees, watching them like they were crawling over his skin. Skipping there like Sam’s finger tips once had when they laid in bed for hours and let the world turn around them.
Dean pushed himself to his feet and crossed the room, swatting at the endless bottles in the kitchen. He screamed as they shattered falling to the ground like sparks from a cigarette tossed out the window. They didn’t fade, the stayed on the floor sparkling in the dim light.
He worked quickly grabbing at the clothes strewn around what he supposed was Sam’s bedroom. It was just a mattress, threadbare sheets and a flat pillow. It was Spartan survivalist living. Sam hadn’t been living here for ten months, he had been surviving, desperately clinging on to the life he once had. The life they once had together.
Dean ripped back the carpet in the closet to pull out the laptop Sam had hidden there for safe keeping. Dean could see him in countless motel room, staring into the screen and occasionally looking up and smiling. He was happy, safe, and healthy until Dean broke him.
Standing in the doorway he gave one last look to the apartment, scanning it for anything left. There was nothing except the slow crawl of bugs, beer bottles and the splotchy stained carpet. It might take him the rest of his life, but he would make this up to Sam. He would fix everything he broke. He would make him forget the beers he drank to numb the pain and the shadows that crawled across the walls.
He left the apartment swearing to himself to never let Sam go, no matter what it took.