Matthew James 2/13/2006

[demoted_goddess]

Yes, that date is correct. A little over two years and I'm finally opening up about my son's birth. I'm really good at procrastinating and repressing. -.- Anyway, under the cut.

Comments

[chaos_in_action]

Oh, mama. :( *lots of hugs* I understand where you are coming from with this. I empathize, and I am sorry.

It doesn't help for everyone, but are you involved at all with ICAN? Sometimes being around other people who have been through that same machine helps.

[demoted_goddess]

Thanks. :) ICAN? I'll have to look it up. I've pretty well avoided any kind of support/help/avenue of healing to this point just to be able to make it through the day.

[chaos_in_action]

http://www.ican-online.org and there's an e-mail group through yahoo groups. Its a rather high volume list, but well worth the time, I feel, to be on it. I have learned such an unbelievable amount of things through that group

[demoted_goddess]

Oh, awesome. I'll see about taking a look at those books and try to get on the yahoo group. I really appreciate it. *hugs*

[faeriesong]

I can only imagine how violated and disrespected you felt. I'm sorry you had a bad experience.

[demoted_goddess]

Thank you. :)

[ailbhe]

Urgh. I had a planned, scheduled c-section, and my body wasn't happy about it - unplanned, emergency c-sections are far far worse, not least because you have no time to prepare physically or emotionally.

The weight "gain" might be a good sign - losing all that weight so soon after birth isn't usual, and women often need a little insurance for at least the first year, because it's hard on your body. The rapid weight loss after the birth would have concerned me!

I really hate the language they use around birth; "elective" c-sections, "inadequate" pelvis, "incompetent" cervix. It's all designed to make women feel as though it's somehow their fault.

And it's not. It's not your fault at all.

[demoted_goddess]

Well, all the weight I'd gained was baby and fluids. In total I'd only gained about 25 pounds so that's why I wasn't that worried about the rapid weight loss. I absolutely detest the language surrounding clinical births. It's so ... sterile yet condescending at the same time.

I'm finally getting where I can actually believe that it's not my fault. Slowly, but getting there.

[ailbhe]

Oh, I'm glad to hear that - about the weight, I mean. After my traumatic birth I had rapid unhealthy weightloss which meant I found it harder to breastfeed, since I couldn't eat enough (stress!) so I kept passing out. There's a lot of pressure on some women to lose necessary body mass after having a baby. It's one of my bugbears.

I feel very strongly about the language issue too. Blaming and disempowering and dehumanising women all at the same time!

When my first child was three years old I had a friend write a letter of complaint to the hospital about her birth. I wasn't able to do it myself but I was able to supervise and sign it. Don't push yourself to deal with too much of it too soon.

And get angry, not guilty ;)

[demoted_goddess]

Oh, I have my days where I want to fly back out to California and smack some of the people. Other days it's really hard to shake the "what if" and "if only I'd..." mindset. This group has already been a big help.

[raving_liberal]

The period of time that has passed seems pretty normal to me. It took a long time for me to be able to really process everything that happened at my first son's birth. I'm glad you've reached a point where you're able to start processing it. The only judge of "bad enough to post" is you, though I certainly think your birth experience fits most every definition I have of birth trauma; I don't think anyone here would tell another mother her birth wasn't traumatic enough to share.

Thank you for sharing your experience. I hope it can be a step to healing for you.

[demoted_goddess]

Thank you. :) Sometimes all someone needs is for another person to listen and say "Damn. That's messed up."

[chippyjem]

That sucks! I can completely relate...right down to thinking "you won't make it to your elbow!"

[demoted_goddess]

^.^ Thanks, hun.