Left Behind 7/7
Final part. Sorry for the messy posts - can't quite figure out all this stuff for inserting links and so on! Hope you enjoyed it.
Author: wmr
7. Better With Three
The Doctor’s lips are warm on his, warm and so inviting and too, too tempting. He can’t help but return the kiss, parting his lips beneath the ones he’s wanted to taste again for longer than he’s ever waited for anyone before.
It’s better, way better, than the kiss he once stole. The kiss that has haunted his dreams for hundreds of nights.
The Doctor’s hand is in his hair, tugging him closer, holding him still. He wraps his own arm around the Doctor’s shoulders, as if afraid the other man will pull away too soon. That the kiss will end before he’s ready for it.
He’ll never be ready for it to end.
The Doctor tastes of tea and the curry the three of them shared for dinner and of the unmistakeable taste of Time Lord. And suddenly there’s a tongue and it’s stroking his and tangling and devouring...
There’s heat and passion and it’s not just on Jack’s side. And he has no idea at all what’s going on here, but as long as the Doctor keeps this up he has no intention of questioning it...
The Doctor draws back. Eyes alight with something Jack doesn’t dare to put a name to, he says, “So, am I?”
Jack couldn’t have counted to ten without stumbling right at this moment. “Are you... what?”
“Too different?”
“God, no.” He’s unable to resist, and stretches out a hand to run his fingertips over the Doctor’s face. “This... the new body... it’s just appearances. And, yeah,” he adds, his voice husky with wanting, “it’s a pretty damn attractive appearance too. Right now I couldn’t choose between the old you and the new you.”
“Good.” And the other man is grinning, apparently pleased with himself.
“So...” Now, he has to know. “What was that for?”
Suddenly, the Doctor sobers. Jack lets his hand fall away from the man’s face. But the Doctor catches hold of it.
Holding Jack’s gaze, the Doctor says, “It troubled me for a long time that the only kiss you ever got from me was saying goodbye.”
The words, and the expression in the Doctor’s eyes, leave him speechless.
Jack knows all about sexual attraction. He wouldn’t be Jack Harkness if he didn’t. He’d always known that the other Doctor was never indifferent to him. He’d never have tried it on with the Doctor in the first place if the signals had been complete lack of interest.
The Doctor - either Doctor - is not an asexual being. Nor is he only attracted to the opposite sex, or only to his own race.
But feeling attraction and doing something about it are two very different things, and Jack had long ago come to the conclusion that the Doctor simply would never acknowledge anything when it came to sex. Either with Rose or himself. Perhaps he didn’t care enough. Perhaps humans were beneath him. Perhaps he’d had his fill of sexual adventures in his nine hundred years and simply preferred to control his libido.
The kiss Jack had stolen had been partly in revenge for the Doctor’s refusal to play, as much as it’d been him saying goodbye in the way which meant most to him. It had been the kiss he’d always wanted and thought he’d never get.
Now... he has no idea what’s happening. What the Doctor is really saying. Is this just some form of compensation? Saying sorry for what happened?
Or is it... more? Is there something here that he’s been failing to understand?
He can test the waters a little. Raising an eyebrow in interrogation, he says, “So does this mean you’ll let me kiss you when we say goodbye again?”
The Doctor’s expression changes instantly. He frowns, seeming disappointed and unhappy. “We were - Rose and me - hoping you’d want to stay.”
The diffidence in the Time Lord’s voice is marked. Overwhelming. So different from his former incarnation. That Doctor would have behaved as if it didn’t matter that much to him at all. Made clear that it was entirely Jack’s choice. Hidden his own feelings under a façade of bland, maybe even cold indifference. Getting that Doctor to show any emotions at all, other than manic humour or occasional flashes of grief over his home planet, had been almost impossible.
Yet he’d loved the man anyway, despite all that. And had felt loved in return. Cared about, anyway.
Now, though, he needs the diffidence. Needs to feel that he is wanted.
“But... things are different now. I mean, you two. I wouldn’t want to be in the way. Three’s a crowd and all that.” Even with them wanting him to stay, he doesn’t know if he can bear being the one on the outside.
Even if staying means occasional casual, or even heated, kisses like this one. And the ones he’s been unexpectedly getting from Rose. Because they are a couple and he’ll still be the outsider, the one being thrown a few crumbs every now and then when he wants so much more.
The Doctor is shaking his head. “In our case, that’s never been true.”
Yes, of course, he was always welcome as part of the team. He’d been a valuable, even indispensable, part, too - he’s not so modest that he doesn’t know that.
“What is it, Jack?” the Doctor asks then. “Is it because I’ve changed? Or... well, I know two years is a long time. You don’t want to leave the life you’ve made for yourself? Torchwood is that important to you?”
“Torchwood?” He almost has to think to retrieve the context. And he realises that he’s barely thought about his job, the agency he’s lived, slept and breathed for almost two years, since waking up in the TARDIS. “No. I enjoy the job, but it’s just a job.”
Too late, he realises that he should have used that as his excuse. He can’t say it’s because the Doctor has changed too much with regeneration, because he’s already said that’s not true. And the one thing he can’t tell the Doctor is that he can’t stay because of him and Rose.
“Then stay.” The Doctor is looking straight at him, something in his gaze that Jack has never seen before. Something that looks suspiciously like... the kind of look he’d expect to be reserved for Rose. “We want you, Jack. It’s not been the same without you.”
He’s weakening. He can feel it - the longing, the insane need just to say yes, even though he knows it’ll be torture.
“Unless...” Now the Doctor is sounding confused. A little hurt. “Unless I’m wrong, and you don’t feel the same as you used to... You loved us once. The way I love Rose. And you wanted us. Didn’t you?”
God. He hadn’t realised his feelings had been that obvious. Oh, sure, he’d never made any secret of the fact that he was attracted to both of them. That, given the chance, he’d have pursued that. But he’d just assumed they saw it as what he was - the insatiable Jack Harkness, incapable of reining in his libido.
There’s no point denying it. He’s already aware that the Doctor sees too much, and that he may even have some talent for mind-reading.
“Yes,” he says quietly. “I did. I do. Nothing’s changed there. But there’s a difference now.”
“What’s different?”
“You and Rose!” he almost snaps. “Come on, man, you know what I’m talking about. You two are together. I’m happy for you, you have to believe that, but can’t you understand that I’ve got feelings too? How can I stay here knowing that you two are a couple and I’m not part of it? I love you. Both of you. Once, I was happy with the way things were - loving you, not doing anything about it - but that was before you two got it together. I can’t live with being on the sidelines. Not now.”
The Doctor whistles soundlessly. “So that’s it. And that never even occurred to us.”
“What?” He’s feeling awkward now, embarrassed, just wanting the Doctor to leave and this conversation to be over.
“We’ve been wondering why you seemed to be... well, holding back. I know you love Rose. I was pretty sure that you love me. What we didn’t realise is that... you didn’t know we love you too.” And, suddenly, his palms are cupping Jack’s face, holding him, and his eyes are gazing into Jack’s in a way that leaves no room for doubt about what he’s saying.
Then the Doctor’s lips are brushing his once more, and it’s the most tender kiss he’s ever had from a man.
When the other man draws back, Jack’s mouth is dry and he can barely swallow. This... it’s more than he ever dared hope for. Ever dreamed of.
“You... want me to stay because you love me?”
The Doctor’s eyebrows shoot up to his hairline. “You need an engraved invitation? Jack, what do you think’s been going on here over the last couple of days?”
He gives a helpless shrug. “Okay, call me thick, but I had no idea.”
“So I see.” Shaking his head, the Doctor resumes his seat next to Jack. “Looks like I have some convincing to do.”
“Well...” Jack smiles. He’s finding it hard not to smile now. In fact, if he could see his own face, he’s pretty sure he’d find that that the smile has taken over. “I think I’m getting the point.”
“Good.” The Doctor reaches for his hand again, holding it between his own two. “Still, I think you should hear this.”
“Okay.” He’s far from averse to having the Doctor stick around a while longer. Especially in these new circumstances. And when it might mean more kisses like those he’s just had.
“Rose is the strongest, bravest woman I’ve known,” the Doctor begins, to Jack’s surprise. He knows this about Rose, anyway, and wonders why the Doctor is telling him. “And there’s been a lot,” the Doctor continues. “Including women Time Lords, and they’re a tough bunch. Anyway, after we left Satellite Five, she had to cope with my regeneration. Suddenly finding herself with what felt like a complete stranger. And then I was sick and going crazy, and she had to help me even though the way I was behaving scared her rigid. She wouldn’t leave me. She stayed right by me even though I was nothing like the man she remembered. And she persuaded other people that I was who I said I was. Even after all that was over, and she was still left with a stranger, she coped. Got to know me all over again. She never gave up. Never faltered, not even for a moment.”
From the moment Jack met Rose, he knew she was a special woman. He’s seen her courage more times than he can count. He’s not remotely surprised that she took all this in her stride.
“She cried over you, Jack,” the Doctor continues, and he stills, listening, very touched. “Once she had time to stop and think and it all sunk in. She cried because you were dead. In her bedroom, she has a photograph - it’s of the three of us. We took it on Woman Wept - remember?”
Jack remembers. That was a good day. One of the best. They’d all been so happy, playing like children, laughing, secure in each other’s friendship.
“I’ve found her there so many times, just staring at that photo, tears in her eyes. Even though I told her you wouldn’t want her to cry for you, and she knows that. She told me, once, that she wished she’d just told you that she loved you when she had the chance.”
There’s a lump in Jack’s throat. He had no idea. And yet it’s all so obvious, when he thinks about it. Rose resurrected him. Why else would she have done that, if not out of love? The same love that made her go back to save her Doctor.
“And it was never just Rose,” the Doctor continued. “I’ve lost friends before. Too many times. Many more times than I want to remember. I wept for them all. I remember them all. I see their faces in my head all the time, every day. None hurt so much as losing you.”
And now he’s stunned. Wondering how he could have ever doubted their love for him.
“Doctor...”
“Yes?”
“I...” He falters for a moment, but then continues. “Thanks for telling me. I should have known, but... thanks.”
“I’m glad you know.” The Doctor squeezes his hand briefly. “Maybe now you won’t doubt us again.”
Jack shakes his head. “I won’t. And... the answer to your question is yes. I’d love to stay.”
“Wait.” The Doctor frees one hand and holds it up. “I want you to. But I also want you to go into this with your eyes open.”
“Oh?” What now?
“You know this is one hell of a dangerous way to live. I reminded Rose of that, too, when she said she was staying with me even after I changed.” He smiles ruefully. “She still misses the old me sometimes. I can see it in her eyes. But she loves me as I am now, too, and that’s all that matters.”
“You’re still the Doctor. Sure, there are differences, but they don’t count.”
The Doctor gives him a quick grin. “Nice to know you think so. For some reason, even compared against risking life and limb on a regular basis, regeneration’s always been the hardest part of this for companions to accept. Some have left me because of it.”
Jack raises an eyebrow. “But did any of the others love you? Like we do?”
“No. And you’re right, that makes a difference. But you still have to think about this. This life is dangerous. You could get killed at any time. Any of us could.”
“You think I don’t know that? Rose and me more than most?”
“True.” The smile was rueful again. “I can’t protect you all the time - I can’t even protect myself.”
“We protect each other,” Jack points out. It’s always been like that, as long as he was part of the crew, and from what he’s heard it’s been the same since Rose joined too. “As much as we can. You think Rose or I wouldn’t do whatever we had to do to save you? Or each other? Or that we don’t know you’d do exactly the same?”
“I know. But I also know that’s not always possible. There may come a time when it’s a stark choice: one of you or the universe - ”
“I know. And you’ll do what you have to do. I know that too.”
The Doctor nods. “Yes. You do. Stupid of me.” And Jack knows they’re both remembering Satellite Five once more.
“Anyway, that’s not the point,” Jack says. “You couldn’t live any other way. And neither could I. Or Rose.”
“You’re right there. She told me she could be sitting at home in her mum’s flat, eating beans on toast and looking forward to a boring, dead-end job in the morning, marriage to some bloke who’ll never really excite her and growing old without ever having lived - or she could be dashing in and out of danger with me, barely escaping with her life, and maybe dead before she’s twenty-three. And this life’s what she’d choose every time.”
Jack grins. He hasn’t met Rose’s mum, but he’s heard plenty. And he’s met Mickey, who seems to be very much history.
“You have to make a choice, Jack.” The Doctor’s tone is sober, and his eyes are serious. “Before, when you joined us, it wasn’t much more than an accident. We rescued you, and you stayed. And you were welcome, never doubt that. But this time you have somewhere else to go - you have a life you’ve made for yourself in the last two years. I know you enjoy it. Do you want to give that up to come travelling with us again?” He presses a hand to Jack’s shoulder. “Think about it. Decide what you want. And then tell me.”
And then he stands and, with one more too-brief kiss, leaves the infirmary.
*********
The Doctor says he’ll give Jack time to think about his decision. And he does - they both do. Over the next couple of days, he slowly gets more freedom from his confined position in the infirmary and is actually allowed to join his friends in the console room or the kitchen for short periods at a time. Clothes appear - his own clothes, left behind on the TARDIS and apparently kept; he realises that they never got rid of his things. And he’s drawn into their warmth once more. Their friendship, their camaraderie, is back, as if it’s never been interrupted.
He is teased, joked with, insulted, encouraged to swap stories about the past couple of years of his life, hugged, punched - not enough to hurt; they are careful of his injuries - laughed with. He sits on the grating as the Doctor tinkers with the TARDIS; he passes tools, makes suggestions and even tinkers himself when the Doctor’s not looking. He hears about their adventures, the ones without him, and feels warmed as they tell him they missed him and wish he’d been there. He is kissed, and he kisses in return. He feels wanted. Needed.
He feels loved.
But the future is never discussed. The TARDIS remains in limbo, somewhere in the Earth’s atmosphere but not travelling anywhere. This is a time out of time. They all know it won’t last.
And then he is pronounced recovered enough to move out of the infirmary. He still has dressings on his chest, but the wound is almost healed. His ankle can still be painful, and he can’t put much weight on it, but it is not far from full recovery. The Doctor says he can move to a bedroom tonight.
It’s getting dark when the Doctor, in shirt-sleeves once more, comes to the infirmary. He has insisted on walking Jack to his bedroom, saying that he doesn’t want Jack straining the ankle. A stick would have done just as well, but Jack sure as hell isn’t going to pass up the opportunity of the Doctor’s arm around his waist, his arm around the other man’s shoulders.
“So.” They’re slowly walking out of the infirmary, into one of the TARDIS’s endless corridors. “Have you made your decision?”
There was never any decision to make. Jack knows it, and wonders how his companions can’t have known it too. They know how he feels about them. They know now what being separated from them did to him.
Now, back in their company, invited to stay, to be part of their indivisible, unbreakable unit, he knows that they have saved his life again. For the fourth time.
He grins impishly. “My bedroom still available?”
“If you want it to be. Though you have a choice.”
“I do?” Well, he knows the TARDIS has a lot of rooms.
“If you don’t mind sharing...” He turns swiftly to see a sidelong glance full of humour and love. And also desire. His heart lurches, and something else does too.
“I’ve always been a fan of sharing,” he says, and grins. But the offer, the suggestion, touches him deeply.
“Good.” The Doctor steers him along a route he recognises. The Time Lord’s own room is down this way. “Rose told me I’d better not come back alone.” He grins again.
“And I’d never want to disappoint Rose.” He can think of much, much more interesting things to do with Rose. And with the Doctor. Though probably not all of them just yet, as he’s still recovering. Plenty of potential for the future, though.
“Tomorrow, we’ll go back to London,” the Doctor announces happily. “You’ll need to tell Harriet you’re resigning. We’ll come with you - I’d like to see her again. And it might help, just in case she has some crazy idea of making you work notice.”
Jack shrugs. He can always get around Harriet. “I don’t think that’ll be a problem.”
“Good. It’s going to be great having you around again!”
“Yeah.” And that’s Rose, standing in the doorway of a room they’ve just reached. “Like I said, Doctor, better with three, eh?”
“Yeah.” The Doctor grins and loops his free arm around Rose’s shoulder, keeping his other around Jack’s waist. Jack completes the circle by tugging Rose closer and sliding his free arm around her waist. He rests his head on her shoulder, and the Doctor lowers his to touch both of them. “Definitely better with three.”
END
Part 1: http://www.livejournal.com/community/better_with_3/52227.html
Part 2: http://www.livejournal.com/community/better_with_3/52674.html
Part 3: http://www.livejournal.com/community/better_with_3/53409.html
Part 4: http://www.livejournal.com/community/better_with_3/53543.html
Part 5: http://www.livejournal.com/community/better_with_3/53780.html
Part 6: http://www.livejournal.com/community/better_with_3/54016.html