Left Behind 6/7
Author: wmr
6. The Doctor’s Move
“Thought you might be awake again. You did sleep most of the day.”
The Doctor is in the infirmary again, a too-knowing look on his face. But he can’t possibly be aware that Jack’s been avoiding them both, can he?
“What time is it?” he asks.
“You humans and your fascination with linear time!” the Doctor grumbles. “Suppose you want it in Earth time, too.” He shrugs. “Some time around three.”
He’s obviously got out of bed again; like the previous night, he’s dressed only in those brown trousers and a shirt. Again, the shirt isn’t completely buttoned.
Jack imagines Rose removing the jacket. The tie. The trenchcoat he’d seen once, earlier, when the Doctor had come in to check on him before accompanying Rose on her shopping trip after all. Unbuttoning the shirt. Sliding the trousers off...
And he swallows. He has to stop this. Before he drives himself crazy - and before the physical evidence of what the Doctor and his fantasies are doing to him become too obvious for the Time Lord to ignore. The last thing he wants is the Doctor noticing he has a hard-on.
“Feel like sitting up?” the Doctor asks. “I think you’re up to it now.”
“Yeah, and more than ready for it, too. Think I’m getting bedsores, lying here.”
“Ouch.” The Doctor’s expression is sympathetic. “Let me know if anything needs treatment.”
God, no. Torture enough having the Time Lord’s hands on him as he checks the chest wound, as he’s done several times a day. To imagine the Doctor touching his back, his legs, his buttocks, but only to treat injury...
The Doctor helps him sit up, and adjusts the couch to an upright position. Then he removes the drip. “I think you can do without that now. If you need pain relief, I’ll give you pills.”
The pain doesn’t seem so bad now. He thinks he can manage.
The Doctor moves out of sight for a moment, then returns carrying something. “Thought you might like a game of Nyfrize.”
“What, Rose too easy to beat?” Jack grins. Nyfrize is a Gallifreyan board game involving the same need for strategy and planning ahead as chess. He’s always been a good chess player, and once the Doctor had taught him the game he’d made a tough opponent.
The game set up on a bed-table over Jack’s lap, they battle in silence for an hour or so. Play is as fiercely competitive as ever, even with the more mild-mannered Doctor as an opponent. It’s a close-run thing, but the Doctor wins.
“Even in two years, you haven’t forgotten much,” he says, resetting the pieces on the board. “You always were the best opponent I’d had in centuries. Even considering.”
Considering, of course, that he is human, something the Doctor frequently points out as if it’s an insult. Jack ignores the qualification; the Doctor always did prefer to avoid complimenting his companions unless absolutely essential. “You never told me that then. Afraid I’d get a swelled head or something?”
“You mean more than it was already?” The Doctor grins before moving his piece to open the second game.
Maybe because the atmosphere is companionable, because they’re both focused on the game and conversation doesn’t have to feel quite so intense as a result, maybe because it feels better to be sitting up - he’s at less of a disadvantage - Jack finally mentions it.
“You and Rose... things have changed.” Deliberately keeping it light, he waggles an eyebrow suggestively at the Doctor.
“Ah, you noticed?” The smile is actually a little bashful. The Doctor quickly looks back at the game-board and makes a move.
“You might as well have put up a neon sign.” Jack makes his move and grins. Whatever his personal feelings, he can’t not feel glad that his friend has found at least something of what he’s so obviously needed for so long.
“We were that obvious?” Now the Doctor looks taken aback. His hand falters on the piece he’s just about to move. Then he recovers. “Course, I always was irresistible, me.” And a lightning grin flashes.
Okay, the ego is obviously another thing that didn’t vanish with a new body.
“Well, you never called her ‘sweetheart’ before.” Jack winks. He can’t just leave it there. Even though it’s picking at the open wound, he can’t help it. Maybe he’s just a masochist after all.
Making his move gives him an excuse not to look at the Doctor as he speaks. “I always knew you loved her. I just never thought you’d actually do anything about it.” He pauses for a moment, considering. “Actually, it’s the other you who wouldn’t have, I suppose.”
The Doctor’s eyes widen. “I’ll have you know, it was the old me kissed her first.”
“Really?” Jack stares, astounded. “When the hell did you manage that? You mean you two were at it behind my back or something?”
“Oi!” The Doctor looks genuinely offended. “Of course not!” He leans back and drags his lean fingers through his already-rumpled hair. “I did it to take the Time Vortex from her.” That said, he turns back to the game-board and moves a piece, taking one of Jack’s.
Well... that makes a weird kind of sense, somehow. “So she killed you with a kiss,” he says, shaking his head at the irony of it. Guessing how much the Doctor had wanted that kiss, and only taking it in the knowledge that it would kill him.
“It was my choice.” The tone is implacable, almost angry.
“Oh, I know.” Jack reaches out and touches the Doctor’s hand in apology. “For what it’s worth, I’d have made the same choice. And I don’t get to regenerate.”
The Doctor’s other hand covers his, and his eyes seem to see right into Jack’s for a moment. “I know that. That’s what you did on the Game Station. For both of us. I never got to thank you for that.”
Jack shrugs, uncomfortable with the thanks he didn’t expect, doesn’t need. Delaying a little, he makes a move of his own, capturing a piece of the Doctor’s in revenge. “Hey, it’s what we all knew we were doing. You as much as me. And I wasn’t the only one who died there.” As the Doctor doesn’t answer, he continues, with one eyebrow raised, “So was that the only way of taking it from her?”
To his amusement, the Doctor actually blushes as he makes his own move. “Not really. There was at least one other way, but...” He gives Jack a rueful smile. “You’re right. I’ve felt this way about her for a long time. But I was determined never to do anything about it. For all sorts of reasons, as I’m sure you can imagine - she’s so young, I’m way too old for her, I’m alien to her, this is a dangerous life and I don’t want to tie her to it, she had a boyfriend... you name it. But then I had to take the Vortex from her or she’d have died. And I knew doing it would kill me. The thing with regeneration...” He trails off, and a distant look comes over his face.
“You never know what you’re going to get?” Jack, after all, has heard tales about some aspects of the process.
“Exactly. And I might have ended up looking old enough to be her grandfather instead of just her dad.” He pulls a face. Jack realises he’s probably very happy that he looks about ten years younger in this new body. “Some of my other bodies... Well, I was happy enough with them at the time, but the thought of Rose with some of them...” He shakes his head and gives Jack a rueful grin before turning back to the game board. “So it occurred to me that it might be my last chance. If I was going to die, I wanted to grab it. Especially - ” He sighs a little. “Especially as I knew she wouldn’t remember it. And that makes me sound just a little perverted, doesn’t it?”
No, just a guy desperately in love who’s about to die for the woman he adores. Jack knows he’d have done the same - and not suffered any qualms about it.
“So she did remember it after all? Was that it?” He makes his own move.
The Doctor shakes his head. “No, she didn’t remember a thing. Exactly as I expected. But she kept asking me to tell her exactly what happened after she got back to Satellite Five. Including why I regenerated. She hated the fact that she couldn’t remember anything about it.” He pauses, a playing-piece in his hand, and looks straight at Jack. “You of all people can understand how frustrating it is to have a gap where a memory should be.”
“You’re telling me.” Jack nods. “I can understand why it was important to her.”
“Exactly. Knowing how you felt about the memories you lost was what made me tell her everything, finally. Including the fact that I kissed her. And then she refused to let me go back to pretending that we didn’t feel that way about each other.”
“That sounds like Rose.” Jack smiles. He can just imagine her: tenacious, argumentative, refusing to allow the Doctor to get away with excuses. And at the same time making her own feelings clear. Probably taking the initiative and kissing him.
“Yeah.” And the Doctor smiles too, clearly reminiscing. “But I wanted to, anyway. Maybe I finally learned the lesson I keep preaching to other people - that life’s too short to keep holding back or avoiding risks.”
Or maybe, Jack thinks, this new Doctor doesn’t share his predecessor’s belief that he doesn’t deserve to be happy. Which is no bad thing.
The Doctor moves a piece into what Jack knows is a very risky position - but one which, if it paid off, could help him win the game.
Except that Jack is much more of a strategist than the Doctor gave him credit for in the beginning of their partnership, and he knows his opponent has just laid the path to his own defeat.
“After everything that happened, how close I came to losing her - and because we did lose you - holding back just seemed futile,” the Doctor continues, studying the game board. Jack knows that he can see the mistake he’s made now; he’s shaking his head a little at his own carelessness. “It’s not that I’m not aware of how fragile life is. You know that. You know I see it all the time. And companions have died before. But this felt different, somehow.”
Because there is no-one else left. Because this Doctor has already lost all his own people, loved ones, friends, relatives. He’d clung to Rose, and even to Jack, as if they were his family. Jack had known that. And now he feels ashamed of ever having thought that he’d been deliberately left behind. Everything the Doctor’s said over the past few days - everything Rose has said - has told him how much they missed him and wanted him around. Maybe still do want him around.
“So you’re together.” He makes the important tactical move. The game’s almost over now.
He gets a brilliant, dazzling smile in response. “Yes. And it’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me.” The Doctor shakes his head, as if he can barely believe it himself. “And, given I’ve been around for over nine hundred of your human years, that’s saying a lot.”
And, really, it is pretty amazing. In nine hundred years, has the Doctor never been in love before? Yet, looking at his expression, the dazed, dazzled look on his face as he clearly thinks about Rose, Jack can believe it.
Jack wins the game this time. And yet it feels as if he’s lost, and the Doctor’s taken the prize.
“I’m happy for you.” And he means it. Really. It’s just that he wishes, so much... But that’s being selfish, and if anyone deserves some measure of happiness it’s these two.
“Thanks.” The Doctor fiddles with a couple of the Nyfrize pieces. He’s obviously a little uncomfortable with the conversation. Obviously more of his predecessor remains than was immediately apparent. “Good game, by the way. You outplayed me. Maybe I’m the one who’s out of practice.”
Yet Jack can’t seem to take the hint and drop the subject. And there’s another scab he can’t avoid picking at. “You didn’t seem to mind when she kissed me.”
Your girlfriend, Doctor. Willingly kissing the man who’d have stolen her away from you long ago, if I hadn’t inconveniently developed scruples.
The Doctor meets his gaze again, revealing wide brown eyes which seem to see right through him. “Believe it or not, Captain, even my previous self did stop feeling jealous where you and Rose were concerned. Actually, long before we got dumped on the Game Station.”
Well, that was true. After an awkward first few weeks, when the Doctor had accepted him for his mechanical skills and his ability to jump into dangerous situations and sometimes even save the day but bristled every time he and Rose so much as smiled at each other, they’d all settled into a relaxed companionship. A friendship full of teasing, joking, light-hearted insults and very occasional casually affectionate comments. The Doctor had still glowered if any moderately-attractive guy happened to come into Rose’s orbit - especially if she actually seemed to notice the guy in question - but had done no more than raise an eyebrow in mock impatience if he’d seen Rose and Jack hug or exchange some other gesture of affection.
They’d been a unit. All for one, and one for all. No room for jealousy, for pettiness, for making one of the team feel less wanted, less cared for.
Still... The strange thing here is that the Doctor is actually saying so.
“You look surprised,” the Doctor says. “Did you think my opinion of you hadn’t changed in all that time? After everything we did together?”
“It’s not that. It’s... you’d never have told me anything like that before.” Or any of this. The other Doctor would never have entertained any kind of discussion of his feelings - especially the way he felt about Rose. He’d have ended the conversation, by simply refusing to answer, by changing the subject, by telling Jack bluntly to shut it, or by walking off.
The Doctor starts to pack away the game pieces. He’s getting ready to leave. But then, Jack reminds himself, morning is approaching. And Rose will wake and reach for her lover and find him missing.
He glances up and finds the Time Lord watching him, his expression knowing, too knowing.
“Regeneration brings a lot of changes. I know you’ve noticed. It’s not just the appearance - although,” the Doctor adds, a mischievous grin slashing across his boyishly handsome features, “I think this is an improvement. Don’t you?”
Invited to comment, how can Jack resist? Besides, if he says nothing, the Doctor will know that something’s wrong. The old Jack Harkness would never have held back, given an opportunity like this.
“Oh, I don’t know,” he says, and summons his very best Jack-the-Lad grin. “The brooding look had a lot going for it. Used to send shivers down my spine sometimes.”
The Doctor grins again. “Down, boy.” And, in that mock-chiding tone, Jack hears echoes of the Doctor he knew first. “But, all the same... the ears, Jack. The nose. And what was I doing with that hair?”
All Jack knows is that the earlier model was perfectly put together. He’d never have changed a thing. And he suspects Rose wouldn’t either.
“Adds character, Doctor,” is all he can trust himself to say at first. “Besides,” he adds then, knowing it’s true, “I don’t think Rose had any complaints. I certainly didn’t.”
The Time Lord grins. “S’pose I was attractive, in a dark, rugged sort of way. At least I wasn’t a pretty boy.”
“What, like me?” Jack laughs. In his acquaintance with the Doctor, he’s heard plenty of the man’s caustic asides on handsome young men, especially Rose’s apparent predilection for them.
“Oh, I don’t know.” And it seems that the Doctor is studying him. Appraising him. “Not pretty. Rose always thought you were good-looking, though.” At Jack’s surprise, he adds, “She said so. When you teleported out of the Albion before coming back to rescue us. I told her I was trying hard not to be offended.” He pulls a face, all wounded vanity.
“You look a bit pretty-boyish yourself now.” Jack can’t resist the opportunity.
“Oi!” He gets a mock-offended look in return. “I happen to like the hair. And the teeth.”
So does Jack. But he’s not saying so. Definitely not. That could lead to all kinds of trouble he has no intention of causing.
After a pause, the Doctor speaks again, and his tone is sober. “Yes, regeneration changes me in a lot of ways, and it’s more than just appearance. But in some respects you must remember that I haven’t changed at all. I’m still amazingly brilliant, of course.” A quick grin, before the Time Lord’s expression sobers again. “I’m also still the same man who’s killed. Left other people to be killed. Destroyed planets. Wiped out entire races. And I’d do it again if I have to.” His eyes seem to bore into Jack’s. “Remember that.”
Jack nods. He hasn’t missed the steel behind the mild-mannered exterior of the new Doctor. Not for one minute. But he knows this man, too. Knows he’s always done far more good than harm, and has only ever done harm in order to do good. He has made mistakes, true, but he makes up for them in the best way he can. The only way he knows how.
To him, the end justifies the means, at least some of the time. That’s not everyone’s philosophy, and it’s one where Rose and the Doctor have had some of their most spectacular disagreements, but it’s usually been Jack’s philosophy. And the end the Doctor strives for is always, barring the odd miscalculation, worth it.
He is no saint, but he is the best person - of any species - that Jack has ever met.
He is about to say so, even at risk of inflating the Time Lord’s ego still further. But, suddenly, the Doctor is standing. Moving closer to Jack’s bed. Leaning over him.
And the look in his eyes makes Jack forget to breathe. Makes time itself slow down.
“You think I’ve changed,” the Doctor is saying, almost whispering, a voice that echoes right down to Jack’s soul. “Too much for you? Too much for... this?”
And he leans in closer still, and his lips close over Jack’s.
*********
tbc
http://www.livejournal.com/community/better_with_3/52227.html
Part 2: http://www.livejournal.com/community/better_with_3/52674.html
Part 3: http://www.livejournal.com/community/better_with_3/53409.html
Part 4: http://www.livejournal.com/community/better_with_3/53543.html
Part 5: http://www.livejournal.com/community/better_with_3/53780.html