[Lavi rubs his eyes as he stumbles towards Yupunzel's room, holding
this bouquet tightly in one hand. He was so tired and listless lately. Probably had to do with the pills. Maybe a bit with his own bleary view of the world lately. Or maybe it was just a good chunk of everything
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[Reaching out with his free hand to place his palm right over her tattoo. If she doesn't have the shovel now, it'll just clatter to the earth]
You always make me ask.
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I've tried asking. [She didn't know it wasn't enough. He didn't tell her it wasn't.]
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[She played the exact same game with him all the time. Why shouldn't he get to be on the receiving end?]
Have you? What things have you asked me since you got back?
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I've--[A pause, furrowing her brow to think. When she did ask him to explain it was usually peppered into conversation, so it was hard to pull out specific examples.]
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[Of course, he wants her to know these things. But he doesn't want to have to deal with her reaction if she doesn't want to know. If she doesn't care. So he fantasizes about the way she would react. That's much easier for him to deal with than the truth most days]
You've what?
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Fine. So I got it wrong and you weren't going to tell me.
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[Mean to make her angry. Didn't mean to make her upset with him. He just wanted her to see his point of view. She said she cared for him, and he believed it. But sometimes there was just so little proof of what love meant to her. And he had felt so lonely lately, so unwanted. Not asking how he was or where he'd been. Not initiating any phsyical contact. It made him feel like the only reason she loved him was because of want he could do for her. How he could make her feel. His own feelings weren't even a part of the equation]
[And now she didn't even seem apologetic. Just frustrated with him that he would want those things. That he needed those things for his own sanity]
[Slumps his shoulders, brushing a finger across her knuckles]
I'll tell you from now on. Everything that you should know. I promise. And- I'm sorry.
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I can ask if that's what you want. But you won't tell me when it's not enough. [Or at least, he hasn't so far. And how is she supposed to tell otherwise? It wasn't like she was in constant awareness of her behavior.]
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[Scrambles for her hand. He doesn't even move to thread their fingers. Just grips it. Desperately as if he lets go, she'll somehow slip through his fingers]
But you didn't ask anything! Not how I was. Not where I'd been. Not who had taken care of my hands. Not about my other injuries. Not about the Halls I'd seen.
How am I supposed to interpret that? And how can I ask for more when you just find it frustrating. Annoying. Stupid. I want you to ask because you want to know. Not just to make some stupid quota!
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... Is that how you think I feel? [That she finds him (or things about him) stupid and annoying and quota-filling (she doesn't, she just really sucks at the 20 questions Lavi is so used to playing)?]
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[Clutching a little tighter to her hand]
But it's not the same as I feel about you, is it? It's less invested. Talk of being happy without you. Of continuing on without you. [Laughs, though not one with any mirth] Impossible. I think about you all the time. Most times we're not together, I just wish that you were here with me.
I want to know everything about you. I want to be able to catch when you're feeling down before you do. Prevent it. Distract you from it. Make you smile again. Know your reactions as well as my own. Make every moment of the rest of forever wonderful and worth living.
...
So what do you feel about me, yeah? If I'm so off the mark.
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[Makes a frustrated sound at the difficulty of putting it into words] I do think of you, and I want to be with you. and I want to be able to protect you and make you happy. [But that's obvious stuff. Basic.]
... I trust you. And I want you to be able to trust me. [Because she's not sure if he fully does when he's assuming the worst about her.] I want you to be comfortable with me. I want to hear what you have to say.
[Curls her fingers, occupying her attention with their joined hands.] I want to do... things that couples do with you. [Even if she's still learning how to do all of that.]
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You're so different from him. And so very different from me, yeah. It's hard to read you sometimes. Hard to read past the walls you put up. Even after all we've promised together, you still hide away in that shell of yours. And I get it. Sometimes, I do. You don't want to get hurt again, so it's easier to stay inside that shell.
But on that same note, sometimes I feel like I'm the only one going out on a limb here. That I'm the only reaching out. Always going to you instead of meeting somewhere halfway.
And sometimes I think- [Shakes his head] no, I know that I'm not a strong enough person to pick myself and keep going after I've fallen too many times.
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So you need to tell me that. I can't read you all the time either, and I can't do anything about it if I don't know.
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What would you do if I went home, love?
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