Fic: Footsteps (2/2)
Title: Footsteps (2/2)
Pairing: Akame
Genre: Angst
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: I do NOT own JE, the lyrics or any of the characters mentioned below. This is entirely fictional!
Summary: Jin takes Kame home and remembers how much they use to share.
Credits: Credits also
bitofpixiedust for the lyrics.
( Part One: Who the hell is calling at this hour? )
~
Kame’s head bumped gently against the car window. His eyelids lifted slightly before drooping shut once more. There was a familiar smell of smoke and the scent of one he knew so well. Kame was aware of where he was, but he was too tired to protest at this point. Listening to gentle hum of the car and Jin’s steady breathing, Kame drifted in and out of consciousness.
“The way things are, the way things are, don’t blame only yourself for it”
Two years ago.
Was it just two years ago? It feels like much longer.
So much seems to have happened since then. Two years ago, when he was in Jin’s car, in very much the same position, slumped lifeless against the seat, worn and hung over. Back then under age drinking wasn’t entirely uncommon amongst the older juniors - that is until the unfortunate incident with Uchi Hiroki, and Kusano soon after him. They had been unlucky, caught at the wrong time and made scapegoats. He had been more fortunate. With KAT-TUN’s popularity on the rise and his own debut with YamaPi, many at the Jimusho turned a blind eye.
Back then, Jin had also been with him, covering and protecting him. Had it not been for Jin two years ago doing exactly the same as he was doing tonight, it may have been him on suspension not Uchi Hiroki.
But things shifted after that night. He’d begun to realise the thrill of doing the forbidden had more of a consequence than he’d anticipated. Moreover, the fall of Uchi and Kusano shifted the attention to KAT-TUN, and Ueda’s gradual relishing of the leader role shifted the focus to him.
His “extra-curricular activity” was no longer just a past time anymore. These people were serious. This was his job. This was reality.
He wasn’t young anymore.
~
Jin pulled the handbrake on the car and the hum of the engine fizzled out into the quiet of the night. He sat still for a moment staring straight ahead of him, his hand still on the steering wheel, listening to the shallow breathing of slumped frame next to him. He threw a long frustrated sideways glance at the sleeping figure before he pulled himself out of the car. Even in his sleep he can’t seem to unwind properly.
Jin paused as he stepped out into the hushed buzz of the Tokyo night and ran his tongue inside his cheeks. He shut his car door before crossing over to Kame’s side and gently pulled open his, careful to catch Kame’s head that was leant against it as he did so. He reached over the body to unfasten the seat beat before ducking out and again. Placing a hand on Kame’s shoulder he gave it a small shake.
“Oi…you're home.”
Kame stirred slightly but showed little sign of wanting to wake. Jin sighed heavily and tried again. “Oi...! god I need to get up tomorrow too you know…”
Silence.
Jin chewed the inside of his cheeks as he looked around him. Koki really have unwittingly put them back to where they were two years ago, the night where it all began and where it all ended. He put his hand on Kame’s shoulder again and shook him.
“Oi…Kamenashi…”
Jin paused and glanced at the sleeping face, the furrowed brows and tight cheeks. A part of him had a sudden urge to reach up a hand and smooth out those stress lines, to run his fingers softly through that messy black hair and ease whatever was bothering Kame in his sleep.
But Kame seems so out of reach now.
Things have shifted after that night.
Haven’t they?
He closed his eyes and breathed out slowly as he ducked into the car again. Then reaching behind Kame’s back, he gently pulled the body upright, adding quietly.
“Oi… you’re home...Kazu-chan…”
~
With one hand, Jin tried to get hold of the keys to Kame’s flat. It hung next one along to his. It always has, and perhaps always will. But compared to its well-used partner, it looks almost shamefully clean. The reason for him to use it became less and less after their debut - they were always so busy, and anyway, Kame was never around when he was free with the huge of amount of solo activities the guy also takes on. And then after he came back L.A. there seemed to be even less reason for him to use it…
And then he wonders if he should just return the key to its owner.
With effort, Jin struggled through the door with Kame still leaning heavily on him.
“Heaven forbid Kame…have you gained weight?” He murmured it with surprisingly little humour as he tried to kick off his shoes and step into the small living room of Kame’s studio flat. His hand fumbled for the light switch and flicked it on.
As the room lit, Jin paused to take in the place before him. He’d missed the cosiness of this small space. It wasn’t huge at all, but it was just about comfortably fit for two. He’d missed the light smell of the fruity bath gels that filtered unobtrusively into the living room from the bathroom, the smell that often emitted from Kame when he stood close to him during rehearsals. Jin found himself smiling somewhat as he saw the bits of clothing, coffee mugs, scripts, lyrics sheets strewed here and there over the sofa, the coffee table, the kitchen worktop; for the perfectionist, pedantic guy that Kame was, he was also surprisingly messy. But they say it’s the sign of a chaotic and busy mind, and Kame was certainly that. Sometimes, Jin finds it hard to believe that Kame is in fact the youngest member of KAT-TUN.
“…Don't let go of my hand…
Kame’s body fell gently against the soft covers of the bed. He moaned in protest as he felt the silky coolness of his duvet cover replace the warmth that was leaning over him.
…But I hurt you, didn't I?”
He use to like the coolness of his bed covers because it made the heat of the body next to him even sweeter to curl up against. Jin complained every time, about how Kame’s hands were always cold, how his feet always feel like ice and how in the winter, even under the duvet, Kame’s slim body would shiver. He would then conclude that Kame needed to keep warm, and then drape his arm over his waist and pull their bodies closer together and rest his warm lips against his forehead. He didn’t seem to feel cold back then, even that night in Okinawa when the only thing that separated his small body from the cold wind was those thin tent walls and his flimsy sleeping bag. Kame is stronger now, and no longer that frail, skinny lad, but sometimes Kame would wonder, wonder why his room now never appears to be warm enough.
Jin carefully tucked the duvet around Kame and as he folded the cover under Kame’s chin he paused. It’s been a while since Jin had actually looked at Kame properly. Yes, they see each other a lot and he obviously still talks to him - they work together after all. But when was the last time Jin actually looked at Kame? A look that wasn’t a glance, or fanservice, or a timed gaze when Kame is doing something before he, or somebody else, would notice and he would have to turn away again. He looks so beautiful now, if that is any way to describe a man; the way his fringe just sits lightly over his eyelids, his soft cheeks, the high nose and his full, lush lips. He smiled somewhat: just when did the lanky boy he knew change into this alluring and attractive young man. But Jin noticed something else too. Kame use to be so peaceful when he slept; with his defences down, he looked almost innocent, almost vulnerable. But now even in his sleep, Kame’s expression held a mask over untold experiences and emotions that he could no longer fathom, and it stirred an anger in Jin. Kame had promised him, promised to Jin that he will always be Kame, his Turtle, his Kazu-chan, that no matter what mask he wore for everyone else, with Jin he would always lay bare. But now, now with so much attention on them, so much expected of them, and particularly of this youngest member, has Kame forgotten?
“…You cried suddenly…
He turned away and let his eyes sweep over the untidy bedside table. It is no wonder Kame always loses his jewellery; his array of bracelets, rings, and necklaces were just lying in a dishevelled pile beside the table lamp. There was a small porcelain dish sitting there, and Jin assumed that it was Kame’s attempt to tame his jewellery problem once and for all, but seeing as there was more jewellery out of the dish than in it, it obviously wasn’t very successful.
…I'm sorry…"
Jin’s hands reached forwards to the small notice board above the dressing table and touched the only piece of jewellery that did not sit amongst the mess below: a small silver ring that hung on a neck-chain pinned against the board. His finger brushed against the side of the ring, brushed against the memories, brushed against the feelings that the small object held.
~
The muffled sound of movement beside him caused Kame to stir. He appreciated the dim light of his room as the consciousness caused the blood to pound at his head with a renewed force. His eyelids fluttered but Kame struggles to keep them open. Against the dim light of the room Kame could make out a blurry figure like a shadow in dream, but Kame need not see who it was, because he already knew by instinct. Kame stilled, almost not wanting to scar Jin away, satisfied to just be enveloped in the comfort of his presence. Many people had always presumed him to be the steady one of the two, the sensible body in their AkaKame pair, but in truth Jin had always been his rock in the storm of entertainment world, always there to remind him that there was more to life, the one with a hand on his shoulder, the one who taught him to laugh at himself.
He had been comfortable to just live in Jin’s limelight; happy to follow Jin wherever he went, proud to share his mannerisms and stage habits, clothes, style and looks. Even though Jin with his natural stage presence would always gain the attention and the adoration, back then, Kame was happy to be his shadow. But Jin let himself lay bare to the world, faults, stupidity, gifts and all - and that was a courage Kame could not muster. Kame swore to himself that he would grow stronger, to stand up on his own, so he could keep up with Jin, so he’d no longer be a burden on him. He’d wanted Jin to be proud, to come out of Jin’s protection; but they say you should be careful what you wish for, and before the year was out on their debut, Kame found himself forced into the spotlight having to shoulder the burden of KAT-TUN and the rest of their debut year alone.
He was angry with Jin at first, for leaving after they promised they’d work hard together. And then he was grateful because he did get stronger and whatever he face, be it happiness, pain, sorrow, work, he would always “be fine.” And now…and now what does he feel? Something in him has irrevocably changed. So where does this leave them?
“…the gentle rain, Drenches the two of us that are confused…”
Jin.
Where are we now?
Kame reached out a hand to try and grasp the answer, but that hazy figure seemed to be fading away.
Jin took a step back from the dressing table, though his eyes found it difficult to tear away from that single ring which seemed shimmer in the dimly lit room. At last, he turned to go, but as he did so, he felt the heat of a hand grab his own.
Jin stopped short.
Don’t. Kame.
“Jin…don’t go…”
It wasn’t a plea, it wasn’t even a question. It was a simple statement.
The silence of the room was punctuated by the raw ticking of the second-hand on the clock,
It was tiring not knowing when satisfaction will come next.
each sound clashing against their heartbeats,
It was tiring stealing time.
feeling heavier and heavier as the seconds ticked on.
It was tiring second-guessing when they could and when they couldn’t.
Maybe when they are older. Maybe when their prides have gone and they know where they stand. Maybe when time is more forgiving.
Maybe.
Jin chewed the inside of his cheeks. Slowly, he turned and with the other hand took Kame’s from his. Softly, he tucked the smaller hand beneath the bed covers and leant over and brushed his lips over the Kame’s forehead.
“Go back to sleep…Kazu-chan… You’re just dreaming…”
“…You will not be alone anymore…”
~
The low morning glow breaks in through the gap in the curtains and sheds its light upon a chaotic living room: the bits of clothing, coffee mugs, scripts, lyrics sheets strewed here and there over the sofa, the coffee table, the kitchen worktop. As the light creeps further into the small living space, it settles on a flask of warm ginger tea sitting amongst the owner’s belongings for another working day. Beside it, is a washed upturned mug and a scribbled note on a yellow post-it.
~
“…I've snatched away so much of your heart, all of you.”
The whispers of his footsteps still remain in the hallway. Kame can feel them now as he covers them with his own.
He still remembers the heat of Jin’s steps, as he put his feet in those well-placed dents he’d made in the snow. He remembers how he use to smile on seeing just one set of footsteps on that short journey home, and know that those single steps contained the warmth of two.
But there is one thing Kame doesn’t remember.
Kame doesn’t remember when the warmth of their footsteps had faded into a mere reminisce.
Pairing: Akame
Genre: Angst
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: I do NOT own JE, the lyrics or any of the characters mentioned below. This is entirely fictional!
Summary: Jin takes Kame home and remembers how much they use to share.
Credits: Credits also
bitofpixiedust for the lyrics.
( Part One: Who the hell is calling at this hour? )
~
Kame’s head bumped gently against the car window. His eyelids lifted slightly before drooping shut once more. There was a familiar smell of smoke and the scent of one he knew so well. Kame was aware of where he was, but he was too tired to protest at this point. Listening to gentle hum of the car and Jin’s steady breathing, Kame drifted in and out of consciousness.
“The way things are, the way things are, don’t blame only yourself for it”
Two years ago.
Was it just two years ago? It feels like much longer.
So much seems to have happened since then. Two years ago, when he was in Jin’s car, in very much the same position, slumped lifeless against the seat, worn and hung over. Back then under age drinking wasn’t entirely uncommon amongst the older juniors - that is until the unfortunate incident with Uchi Hiroki, and Kusano soon after him. They had been unlucky, caught at the wrong time and made scapegoats. He had been more fortunate. With KAT-TUN’s popularity on the rise and his own debut with YamaPi, many at the Jimusho turned a blind eye.
Back then, Jin had also been with him, covering and protecting him. Had it not been for Jin two years ago doing exactly the same as he was doing tonight, it may have been him on suspension not Uchi Hiroki.
But things shifted after that night. He’d begun to realise the thrill of doing the forbidden had more of a consequence than he’d anticipated. Moreover, the fall of Uchi and Kusano shifted the attention to KAT-TUN, and Ueda’s gradual relishing of the leader role shifted the focus to him.
His “extra-curricular activity” was no longer just a past time anymore. These people were serious. This was his job. This was reality.
He wasn’t young anymore.
~
Jin pulled the handbrake on the car and the hum of the engine fizzled out into the quiet of the night. He sat still for a moment staring straight ahead of him, his hand still on the steering wheel, listening to the shallow breathing of slumped frame next to him. He threw a long frustrated sideways glance at the sleeping figure before he pulled himself out of the car. Even in his sleep he can’t seem to unwind properly.
Jin paused as he stepped out into the hushed buzz of the Tokyo night and ran his tongue inside his cheeks. He shut his car door before crossing over to Kame’s side and gently pulled open his, careful to catch Kame’s head that was leant against it as he did so. He reached over the body to unfasten the seat beat before ducking out and again. Placing a hand on Kame’s shoulder he gave it a small shake.
“Oi…you're home.”
Kame stirred slightly but showed little sign of wanting to wake. Jin sighed heavily and tried again. “Oi...! god I need to get up tomorrow too you know…”
Silence.
Jin chewed the inside of his cheeks as he looked around him. Koki really have unwittingly put them back to where they were two years ago, the night where it all began and where it all ended. He put his hand on Kame’s shoulder again and shook him.
“Oi…Kamenashi…”
Jin paused and glanced at the sleeping face, the furrowed brows and tight cheeks. A part of him had a sudden urge to reach up a hand and smooth out those stress lines, to run his fingers softly through that messy black hair and ease whatever was bothering Kame in his sleep.
But Kame seems so out of reach now.
Things have shifted after that night.
Haven’t they?
He closed his eyes and breathed out slowly as he ducked into the car again. Then reaching behind Kame’s back, he gently pulled the body upright, adding quietly.
“Oi… you’re home...Kazu-chan…”
~
With one hand, Jin tried to get hold of the keys to Kame’s flat. It hung next one along to his. It always has, and perhaps always will. But compared to its well-used partner, it looks almost shamefully clean. The reason for him to use it became less and less after their debut - they were always so busy, and anyway, Kame was never around when he was free with the huge of amount of solo activities the guy also takes on. And then after he came back L.A. there seemed to be even less reason for him to use it…
And then he wonders if he should just return the key to its owner.
With effort, Jin struggled through the door with Kame still leaning heavily on him.
“Heaven forbid Kame…have you gained weight?” He murmured it with surprisingly little humour as he tried to kick off his shoes and step into the small living room of Kame’s studio flat. His hand fumbled for the light switch and flicked it on.
As the room lit, Jin paused to take in the place before him. He’d missed the cosiness of this small space. It wasn’t huge at all, but it was just about comfortably fit for two. He’d missed the light smell of the fruity bath gels that filtered unobtrusively into the living room from the bathroom, the smell that often emitted from Kame when he stood close to him during rehearsals. Jin found himself smiling somewhat as he saw the bits of clothing, coffee mugs, scripts, lyrics sheets strewed here and there over the sofa, the coffee table, the kitchen worktop; for the perfectionist, pedantic guy that Kame was, he was also surprisingly messy. But they say it’s the sign of a chaotic and busy mind, and Kame was certainly that. Sometimes, Jin finds it hard to believe that Kame is in fact the youngest member of KAT-TUN.
“…Don't let go of my hand…
Kame’s body fell gently against the soft covers of the bed. He moaned in protest as he felt the silky coolness of his duvet cover replace the warmth that was leaning over him.
…But I hurt you, didn't I?”
He use to like the coolness of his bed covers because it made the heat of the body next to him even sweeter to curl up against. Jin complained every time, about how Kame’s hands were always cold, how his feet always feel like ice and how in the winter, even under the duvet, Kame’s slim body would shiver. He would then conclude that Kame needed to keep warm, and then drape his arm over his waist and pull their bodies closer together and rest his warm lips against his forehead. He didn’t seem to feel cold back then, even that night in Okinawa when the only thing that separated his small body from the cold wind was those thin tent walls and his flimsy sleeping bag. Kame is stronger now, and no longer that frail, skinny lad, but sometimes Kame would wonder, wonder why his room now never appears to be warm enough.
Jin carefully tucked the duvet around Kame and as he folded the cover under Kame’s chin he paused. It’s been a while since Jin had actually looked at Kame properly. Yes, they see each other a lot and he obviously still talks to him - they work together after all. But when was the last time Jin actually looked at Kame? A look that wasn’t a glance, or fanservice, or a timed gaze when Kame is doing something before he, or somebody else, would notice and he would have to turn away again. He looks so beautiful now, if that is any way to describe a man; the way his fringe just sits lightly over his eyelids, his soft cheeks, the high nose and his full, lush lips. He smiled somewhat: just when did the lanky boy he knew change into this alluring and attractive young man. But Jin noticed something else too. Kame use to be so peaceful when he slept; with his defences down, he looked almost innocent, almost vulnerable. But now even in his sleep, Kame’s expression held a mask over untold experiences and emotions that he could no longer fathom, and it stirred an anger in Jin. Kame had promised him, promised to Jin that he will always be Kame, his Turtle, his Kazu-chan, that no matter what mask he wore for everyone else, with Jin he would always lay bare. But now, now with so much attention on them, so much expected of them, and particularly of this youngest member, has Kame forgotten?
“…You cried suddenly…
He turned away and let his eyes sweep over the untidy bedside table. It is no wonder Kame always loses his jewellery; his array of bracelets, rings, and necklaces were just lying in a dishevelled pile beside the table lamp. There was a small porcelain dish sitting there, and Jin assumed that it was Kame’s attempt to tame his jewellery problem once and for all, but seeing as there was more jewellery out of the dish than in it, it obviously wasn’t very successful.
…I'm sorry…"
Jin’s hands reached forwards to the small notice board above the dressing table and touched the only piece of jewellery that did not sit amongst the mess below: a small silver ring that hung on a neck-chain pinned against the board. His finger brushed against the side of the ring, brushed against the memories, brushed against the feelings that the small object held.
~
The muffled sound of movement beside him caused Kame to stir. He appreciated the dim light of his room as the consciousness caused the blood to pound at his head with a renewed force. His eyelids fluttered but Kame struggles to keep them open. Against the dim light of the room Kame could make out a blurry figure like a shadow in dream, but Kame need not see who it was, because he already knew by instinct. Kame stilled, almost not wanting to scar Jin away, satisfied to just be enveloped in the comfort of his presence. Many people had always presumed him to be the steady one of the two, the sensible body in their AkaKame pair, but in truth Jin had always been his rock in the storm of entertainment world, always there to remind him that there was more to life, the one with a hand on his shoulder, the one who taught him to laugh at himself.
He had been comfortable to just live in Jin’s limelight; happy to follow Jin wherever he went, proud to share his mannerisms and stage habits, clothes, style and looks. Even though Jin with his natural stage presence would always gain the attention and the adoration, back then, Kame was happy to be his shadow. But Jin let himself lay bare to the world, faults, stupidity, gifts and all - and that was a courage Kame could not muster. Kame swore to himself that he would grow stronger, to stand up on his own, so he could keep up with Jin, so he’d no longer be a burden on him. He’d wanted Jin to be proud, to come out of Jin’s protection; but they say you should be careful what you wish for, and before the year was out on their debut, Kame found himself forced into the spotlight having to shoulder the burden of KAT-TUN and the rest of their debut year alone.
He was angry with Jin at first, for leaving after they promised they’d work hard together. And then he was grateful because he did get stronger and whatever he face, be it happiness, pain, sorrow, work, he would always “be fine.” And now…and now what does he feel? Something in him has irrevocably changed. So where does this leave them?
“…the gentle rain, Drenches the two of us that are confused…”
Jin.
Where are we now?
Kame reached out a hand to try and grasp the answer, but that hazy figure seemed to be fading away.
Jin took a step back from the dressing table, though his eyes found it difficult to tear away from that single ring which seemed shimmer in the dimly lit room. At last, he turned to go, but as he did so, he felt the heat of a hand grab his own.
Jin stopped short.
Don’t. Kame.
“Jin…don’t go…”
It wasn’t a plea, it wasn’t even a question. It was a simple statement.
The silence of the room was punctuated by the raw ticking of the second-hand on the clock,
It was tiring not knowing when satisfaction will come next.
each sound clashing against their heartbeats,
It was tiring stealing time.
feeling heavier and heavier as the seconds ticked on.
It was tiring second-guessing when they could and when they couldn’t.
Maybe when they are older. Maybe when their prides have gone and they know where they stand. Maybe when time is more forgiving.
Maybe.
Jin chewed the inside of his cheeks. Slowly, he turned and with the other hand took Kame’s from his. Softly, he tucked the smaller hand beneath the bed covers and leant over and brushed his lips over the Kame’s forehead.
“Go back to sleep…Kazu-chan… You’re just dreaming…”
“…You will not be alone anymore…”
~
The low morning glow breaks in through the gap in the curtains and sheds its light upon a chaotic living room: the bits of clothing, coffee mugs, scripts, lyrics sheets strewed here and there over the sofa, the coffee table, the kitchen worktop. As the light creeps further into the small living space, it settles on a flask of warm ginger tea sitting amongst the owner’s belongings for another working day. Beside it, is a washed upturned mug and a scribbled note on a yellow post-it.
~
“…I've snatched away so much of your heart, all of you.”
The whispers of his footsteps still remain in the hallway. Kame can feel them now as he covers them with his own.
He still remembers the heat of Jin’s steps, as he put his feet in those well-placed dents he’d made in the snow. He remembers how he use to smile on seeing just one set of footsteps on that short journey home, and know that those single steps contained the warmth of two.
But there is one thing Kame doesn’t remember.
Kame doesn’t remember when the warmth of their footsteps had faded into a mere reminisce.