fear of love being taken away if I'm not comforting & helpful / my worth / who I am vs what I do

[belenen]

icon: "nascent (a painting by Michael Whelan of a person with long flowing hair and large breasts sitting naked and cross-legged inside a green egg, which is being held against the sky by giant translucent blue hands with pointy nails)"self-imposed restrictions now lifted while Topaz and I are on a break

Comments

[zimtkeks]

Your parents' taking away of love when you didn't help must have affected your concepts of love and support.
Were there any situations you can remember when someone else wasn't there for you when you were growing up?

People describing you as a giving person doesn't mean they don't see anything else in you. Maybe they already feel nourished by you just being there and being you, even when you're not doing anything.
And would not giving at all make you happier? In my experience I gain a lot from giving to someone I love. I have to be careful not to give too much so that I don't feel comfortable anymore, but in moderation it makes me happy and it is an expression of who I really am. I wouldn't try to go for the other extreme, rather find some balance.

[belenen]

Someone else was never really there for me. I knew I couldn't turn to my parents, and I was afraid that if I turned to someone else they would resent me for burdening them.

No, not giving at all would not make me happier, and I don't think it is even possible. I definitely do not have a goal of ceasing to give entirely. I would just like that to be allowed, because sometimes I'd really like to take a break.

[zimtkeks]

Someone else was never really there for me. I knew I couldn't turn to my parents, and I was afraid that if I turned to someone else they would resent me for burdening them.
That must have shaped your expectations, too.
I'm sorry you had to grow up like that.

[belenen]

While writing this I thought of you and felt comforted. Being loved purely for existing is rare, but for sure I feel loved by you for existing because I understand how you love.

[cactus_rs]

So much of this resonated with me, especially:

I think that I earn people's love and I find it very hard to resist the idea of a few more gold coins, even though I should have far more than I need. I feel a compulsion to hoard in case I make a mistake and that causes inflation that makes my previous earnings worthless. Ugh, I had no idea that my attitude toward love was so capitalist. I don't even know how to restructure it.

I conceptualize it as my Virgo DC manifesting itself: I function best (as in, feel the most secure) in relationships if I can feel that I of am some kind of use, whether in terms of logistics or financial support or "the only friend who does/understands X." Without that I feel like...well, why bother being friends me? I don't bring anything else to the table.

[belenen]

I thought I had outgrown my need to be needed, and I sort of have, but only in that I don't want it any more. I still function in such similar ways that I end up in similar situations. *shakes head* I feel ya.

[ragnarok_08]

So much of this really resonated with me, especially with wondering if I give too much or if I give at all.

[belenen]

*empathy*

[belenen]

*feels understood* thank you.