love and pain, blocked connections
I'm sad and maybe a little inebriated and I need to talk, TALK. and Kyle has to sleep because ze has school tomorrow and Hannah is :-( in the country! but far away :-( :-( :-( and I'm so sad right now and I feel incapable of talking to anyone else. I'm maybe a little in love and maybe not, I don't know, but I'm very attached to this girl who might not be entirely straight (?) but I don't think sees me "that way." I can't tell, and while I don't mind being passed over if the connection is just not there, right now I feel like it IS but there's this block in the way, this thing that I have no ability to change at all. I feel so confused and I feel sort of stupid for not figuring it out, and inferior/inadequate for not having what it takes.
And the worst bit is this terrible fear I have that I'll never fall in love (mutually) again. I know it's irrational but I don't want something that's fun and easy and sexy, I fucking want that twist in my stomach and that yearning. I want that seeing, that thing where I look at the person and I can see and feel ALL of them and ALL of it makes me ecstatic-scared-hopeful. And I want it both ways. And I don't want it to be only with Kyle and people I can't have -- because of distance or because it's not mutual or because it's too uncomfortable for them. I hate these barriers I HATE THEM. Why are there things in the way of this? Why do I feel this way if it's not fucking real? And if it is real why is it not... THERE? and why am I too scared to ask? and why does it make me so depressed? I mean I have so much, I have deep intense love with someone I connect with spirit-heart-mind-body, I have such amazing friends, but this one loss/lack feels so BAD.
and I miss Hannah so much. :-( Ze's in New York right now and I can't go see zir and that hurts even more than the usual pain of zir being an ocean away. It's been THREE YEARS since I've seen zir, hugged zir, touched zir face, slept cuddled together, laughed out of breath together. and it huuuuuurrrrrts. ohgodithurts, ache ache ACHE :-( :-(
Whenever there's something between me and a connection, I suddenly feel the pain of all my blocked connections. I was talking to Aurilion a few months ago but then ze suddenly told me ze couldn't handle it and cut contact again. Hannah and I keep getting separated by time and schedules. Ava... I still think of zir, I still have no answers. Viv moved to Seattle and we do not connect except in person. My sister is not here. There are others, all so far away. Why is this so hard? It feels like it's only hard for me.
does no one else feel the pull of this magic like I do? is it mild or just NOTREAL for other people? maybe this is why I've been so hopeless-acting. I'm so tired of falling for the wrong people, and not falling for the right ones.
God/dess, my problems are so luxurious, I'm so fucking rich and I'm just complaining about what I DON'T have. But it still hurts so much. owwwwww :-(